Balance of Character

My public defender had me write my life story for her. I suppose it was cathartic, but it took me months. It was painful and very difficult. My big question was how to write myself as a whole person - someone who was not all good or all bad. I certainly did very good things in my life, and given my current predicament, I did some very bad things as well. How could I write something that could achieve this balance of character. Perhaps allow this stranger, my attorney, who lived in a different state than I did so only knew me through phone calls and emails, to care about who I was and understand my addiction. It was important, probably only to me, that my life story give some insight. I am not a psychologist, but anyone reading my life story should be able to put enough pieces together to be able to say, "oh, I kinda get it now." I'll give you an example as an excerpt from my first time in a casino:

"It was during the same senior year [of college] that I first went to a casino. One had opened about 45 minutes [away] and a couple friends and I decided to check it out. I immediately got a rush just by being inside the casino – the lights, the sounds, and the people. I was just 21 years old and I was fascinated. I didn’t have a lot of money, being a student and all, but that didn’t stop me from trying out the slot machines. I was not secure in my card playing or in understanding the rules of the table games, so slot machines seemed the best way to go – put money in, pull the right arm (the machines were not computerized yet), and hope for a win. Well, wouldn’t you know that a bit into pulling the arm I would win a jackpot - $1,250. The bells and whistles blew to tell the entire casino that someone had won. My friends were amazed and I’d never had so much money in my hands in my entire life. I can honestly say that I was hooked already. This was fun. This was easy. This was a way to have the money to do the things I only dreamt of doing. I returned the next day with my friends – as I put us up in a motel nearby. I wanted to hear the bells and whistles again."

I was there with such innocence, yet, already could not just walk away with a win. Why am I blogging about this today? Because we are such complicated people. We can not be simply defined by terms of all good or all bad, although if you read my earlier posts I will beg to differ on your belief that you are a "bad" person. I was and am not a bad person, even though many people believe I am because I hurt them, lied to them, was doing bad things during my time of addiction. But reading that short excerpt above, I'm not sure of how much choice I had, even at the beginning, my first time in my first casino. A big win at the time. Taken by the lights and sounds. My ability to be a big shot with money suddenly. Kind of makes sense for the same kind of rushes that get people in trouble around all kinds of crimes and addictions.

I thank my higher power every day that I am able to say, "I'm not going to gamble today," and know that I can be true to that statement. I don't think I'm any less complicated a person, though, than the one that I needed to present to my attorney. Anyone who seems to present themselves as not conflicted at times, is probably not showing their true self.