The Real "Lasts"

Today and the past few days have consisted of many "lasts" for my time prior to prison. Today included my last G.A. Meeting in my hometown (I'm on my way back to school tomorrow), my last session ever with my wonderful counselor (who I've been seeing for over four years), and goodbyes to several of my closest friends. Last night I had to say goodbyes to even more friends. Lots of tears. They'd start crying which would lead me to cry which would lead them to more tears. Today I also said goodbye and hugged T.S. I will talk to her before I go and during, but we will not be together again until she and Sporty visit much later in the year. That's a long time to miss a child you care deeply for! Especially when she's about to start a life adventure and I really want to be there for her. Email, letters and short phone calls will have to be the communication form for a long while. 

I've started to notice that I'm kind of detaching a bit. Notice I mentioned that others cried first. Perhaps this is a continued sign of the stress.

Speaking of stress, I woke myself up as I was sleep walking last night. I have no memory of ever sleep walking before in my life. Luckily, nothing bad at all occurred. Let us hope that is the first and last time for that behavior!

Tomorrow I take the train to my other home by school and leave this place I call home for at least 10 months. I say goodbye to my mom and stepdad and know it will be at least six months before they are planning a visit to see me. Unlike my friends, they won't be crying. That's just not how they handle these things. The next three weeks or longer will be a good excuse for another vodka gimlet for my mom and another two cheeseburgers  every night for my stepdad and hours upon end of sitting on the couch not talking while playing each other and all their friends night after night on Words with Friends with the television so loud but no one is looking at it because even at their age, their noses are in their tablets playing games. That is how they deal with life and stress. At least these days. I suppose in their heads they can't even think that it's a last, because they are unable to consider the reality of what is about to happen to me. They've asked almost no questions. They've done no research on their own. They've also told no one and are mortified that I have. I do no wear their shame of me. I am not ashamed. My life was out of my control and today I'm grateful that I got caught. Otherwise, I wouldn't even exist anymore.

Anyway, with all the "lasts" I've done lately, I'm so glad they are not forever. I have no idea what's waiting for me in and after prison. I won't even guess. But my friends, hometowns, school, and even dysfunctional family will still be around while I'm away and when I'm back. It will be up to me to ensure I make the relationships with them "last forever" rather than just be a "last."