A Quick Last Request

I have a special group of women in my life. We are all in G.A. together and have formed a special community of support and recovery. In my first year of recovery, one of the women, Peppy, mentioned to me that it would be great to have a special retreat for women in G.A. and told me about an experience she had with another group. It lit a spark and within months, I developed the first annual women's recovery weekend retreat to be held at my aunt's property - wonderful, serene land in a rural Midwestern farming and arts community. Seven woman signed up that first year - most sleeping on air mattresses - and we played a great game for women, called "Cowgirls." It is a game where women friends can learn more about one another, laugh, reveal, tell stories, and be strong. We found ourselves playing that game every night, in addition to our other activities of campfires, cook outs, discussions, reflections, creative projects, writing, sharing and much more. More women have joined us since that time (although we top out at 10 people) and we've held the retreat every year, but we are now officially the "Cowgirls." This year, the retreat will go forward without me, and I'm glad it will. This retreat is about each person in the group, not just me, and we all look forward to it every year. I'll be looking forward to hearing how our 5th annual festivities helped each woman find a little more serenity.

Two days ago, I made a request of my fellow cowgirls. I asked if we all could do a conference call together before my self-surrender and say the serenity prayer. The serenity prayer runs through all 12-step programs, from what I understand, and is an important part of keeping ourselves thinking and acting rationally. So often, we become obsessed with those things that we have no power over. The serenity prayer gives us the words to refocus our thoughts to only that which is possible. We must have serenity to accept the things we cannot change. I must accept (and my friends must accept) that there is nothing in our power to change the fact that I am going to prison tomorrow. We must have courage to change the things we can. I must have courage (and my friends must have courage as well) to find the strength to make difficult decisions regarding my health, finances, education, relationships, etc. We must have the wisdom to know the difference. I must have wisdom (and my friends must have wisdom as well) to know when something is or is not within our control. For me, right now, almost nothing is within my control. I've signed over legal documents to put everyone else in control of all my affairs. Instead of taking responsibility, I will be walking away from it while my friends take on all of mine. But they, too, must have the wisdom to accept when even with their best efforts, they may not be able to better my situation(s) from the outside.

Having this time, tonight, at 10pm (12 hours before my self-surrender) to have all my cowgirls on the phone line was like having a boost of love and energy sent to me through the phone. I thought we would just do the serenity prayer and hang up, but we actually spent 30 minutes talking. Some friends spoke kind thoughts to me, others asked questions. I just took it all in. These women, strong, smart, capable women - all here for me - two even celebrating their birthdays tonight - but they chose to support me and be there for me.

Serenity, Courage, Wisdom --- Indeed.