From Dragonfly: My First Tears

My roommates set up a cleaning schedule. It's simple. There are seven of us. Each of us has a day. Mine is Sunday. Cleaning includes sweeping the floor, then mopping, and then wiping down the tops of the lockers. I effectively did my cleaning on Sunday. Many people were in the room at the time, but it was my cleaning day, so I cleaned on my own.

This morning, a Tuesday, someone else has the day to clean. I did my part by moving all my things off the floor and clearing my locker. Everything is locked in my locker. I was getting myself ready to come here - to the email lab - since I had no opportunity yesterday to use the lab, I was really wanting to get my opportunity. Well, one of my roommates decides to start yelling that we all need to help in the cleaning instead of just laying around reading (I am reading one of my school related books) and sleeping (without my medication, my fatigue is always bad). This was geared toward myself and another woman in the room - both with chronic health issues - who are here for short times and just recently arrived. Then she gets up behind me and starts yelling that she's going to punch someone out. She feels like punching someone out and she's talking about me. I just keep my back to her. I finish what I need to do in my locker, lock it, and walk out of the room.

I go down to the line for the C.O. to get my pass for coming here to the email lab. This roommate storms into the C.O.'s office and puts in some sort of complaint about me. She's screaming and throwing a fit. Not sure what she said (it's sound proof). Doesn't really matter. It will not be the truth. Doesn't matter though. Just being accused here, seems to be enough. I did walk in and ask for my pass to the email lab and was given one. Not sure what the C.O. thought of her frantic anti-me ramblings. I can say that she is all worked up and I was calm, polite, and am a newbie. I still have the newbie shoes, I think that gives me some latitude. I buy my sneakers on Wednesday. At that point, I will not be a newbie any more.

When I return to my unit after sending this email, I may face any number of sanctions, if the C.O. wants or I may face a roommate who will get into my face, possibly threaten me again, who knows. I can't know. I walked out of the unit to walk here and there were the first tears I cried since arriving. My first time feeling entirely unsafe, but trying to hold it all together. I know I will be okay. I will not tell on my roommate, because tattling gets you in much bigger trouble. That is not my goal. I just want to do my time in peace. I did my responsibilities with the cleaning. That is what I must do. I will not be pushed around to do more than my responsibilities. I will not be scared by someone in order to give up my serenity. I am not a hardened person, though. I cannot hide that I am a coward, will not fight, and will be a victim. I might as well wear a big "V" on my forehead for "victim," as much as I want to be strong. Yesterday, I received 17 pieces of mail. These messages of love and hope keep me motivated and moving forward. I also called a bunch of people having a meeting from my G.A. program last night. That helps too. I need to keep my emotions in check. Life on the outside helps make that possible.

I struggled to decide if I would write this. I always want to focus on the positive as much as possible. But there's a truth to this experience I am in that I do not want to ignore. Only due to the fact that I have a chronic health condition, I am in a secured lock-up location with people who have violence as part of their records. I have to share my room with people who do not think before acting and who are not afraid of the consequences either. While a prison camp may have it's issues, I doubt it would be like here, where people who are minimum-security are placed along with high-security inmates. More people are here for mental health issues, than medical issues, it appears. I am going to spend the next 10 months of my life trying to navigate my safety and serenity among such unknowns. Today I walked away. Tomorrow, I will do the same.