From Dragonfly: When People Are Untamed

A clearer head later in the day and I can look at the behaviors of those around me earlier today. So many broken people, but they are not getting the things they need here to fix themselves - like the GA program did for me. So many women who don't know how to have healthy relationships, how to set proper boundaries, how to properly show emotions,... instead of being locked up, they need emotional help. How are they going to leave here one day and not find themselves right back in the door? I was apologized to when I went back to my room - by two of my roommates. I was told that it was not about me. I know that. But, she had displaced anger and pointed it toward me. That is still not right. Her coming to hug me was like allowing any abuser come back and later say, "I'm sorry." The fact is that the abuse is never okay and the apologies mean nothing to me. I choose to keep myself away from unhealthy people with unhealthy boundaries, but here, I am forced to live among people who cannot control their emotions and who have the ability to act out before thinking.

The thing that's been getting to me over the last 24 hours, though, is the fact that someone who is eligible for a camp can be put into a secured environment with highly volatile people for the mere fact of their health. I cannot fathom how that is not a problem and does automatically set some to be victims of the craziness of others. Also, I do not understand why they choose to put those with medical issues along side those with mental health issues (serious mental health issues) that are not under control. It would only occur in the medical facilities.

Anyway, I learned yesterday that I will not be cleared to work for a month (at least), but I am still trying to get a job in education. They can choose to hire me at a desk job. I'll be happy just being a grader, if that's all I can do for now. I also learned that due to my health condition, I will not qualify for a halfway house. Whether this is entirely true or not, I do not know. I miss being able to "google" for my answers. I do know that many people talk about Carswell on Prisontalk.com but it is impossible to really talk about what this place is like unless you lived here without a sense of when you will leave. I can only say that each day I am here is one less day I will be here and that I have a lot of incredible support beyond the gates of this prison. 4p.m. is my favorite time of every day, because that is "mail call" and I stand at the door and listen closely for my last name. A smile when it is called and a bigger smile as it is called more than once. If you have a loved one in prison, write them. Write them often. They may not be able to write back as often, but the mail means everything. Mail never meant more to me! Mail gives me moments on my bed when the "untamed" are nowhere in my mind and I am just there, thinking about the person who wrote me, reading their words, and being filled with love and hope.