The Ups and Downs

Five years ago, I went from having a good paying job, partner, kids, friends, nice home, although my life was a mess due to my addiction and behavior to a sudden shift of being homeless, jobless, broke, alone, mourning the reality that my partner and kids left me, and still a total mess - until I found gamblers anonymous and my life got better one day at a time. 

Two months ago, I happily sat on a couch in my apartment that not only felt like home to me, but nearly every person who entered. I had a leased car and was able to pay the bills on time. In fact, I paid all my bills and my taxes on time. I had a job I loved that I had just recently been hired to do and as the boss said, was a "perfect fit." I had health insurance that covered even my most expensive medications. I had a fellowship and a research project and a class I cared about. I was projected to finish my phd in 2016.

Today, I am homeless, as I crash at Cache's apartment until I leave. I have no car, as my parents are taking on my lease. I will not have the funds to ensure full payment of my bills while away. I am unemployed, as my last day of work was yesterday. I have no health insurance, which came with the job. I have no current fellowship, research, or classes and no definite projection for my degree.

It's crazy to think this is the best way to ensure I can meet my restitution obligations. 

Since my "unintentional intervention" (the day I was found out to be a compulsive gambler and my bad acts were discovered), I have had to walk away/resign from two careers and while I retain hope for the one I'm working in now, we all know prison and a felony complicates things.

Why am I writing this? Because these "downs," they are not easy to take. I start to ask myself, "really?? I haven't lost enough yet? I haven't paid enough punishment YET?"

I take pity on myself. It's hard to get my head out of that place. I cry and try to control the outcomes. And then all I can do is accept.

At the same time, there are situations in which we must be our own advocates, where change is possible. We must be wise and seek advice and really only spend our energy on those areas in which we are being wronged. Anger is not the answer. Resources, logic, assistance, and truth may be. I am in one of these situations right now. I am just a day away from leaving for Texas, and some areas of pre-planning have suddenly not gone the way intended and I'm not sure why. I'm sorry to be vague, but it's really a long story and I do not yet know the outcome. What I do know, is that what has happened has the potential to affect my life substantially outside of prison while I am in prison and I will not be able to do anything about it. So, with just 48 hours (I started this Thursday) I've sought out help of colleagues, mentors, and professionals, and advocated for myself. I may not be able to cause change, but I'm not being passive either. I'm also establishing a paper trail so if something does occur while I'm in Carswell, I have what I need to continue the fight if I choose to upon my release. I have determination! 

Another reason I share all this is that I want to show that you can lose absolutely everything and think your life is never going to be good again, but I'm living proof that it can and does get better. It didn't even take a full five years, my life was significantly better in a year.

I honestly don't know when I'll be coming back here from Texas and what I will have to come home to - job, school, etc. What I do know is that it really doesn't matter. I will not give up hope. I'm going to get my phd. I'm going to have a home again that I love. I'll rebuild my credit. Everything is only temporary, as long as we are willing to do the work to make change.