From Dragonfly: Hambuger Day

Wednesdays are always hamburgers for lunch. It is also the only meal we get a dessert. Today was chocolate pudding. I guess some prisons give lots of desserts, but not here. The hamburgers are cooked well and we are even given fresh tomato, onion, and pickles to put on the bun. We are given a slice of cheese (not melted). On the side is either homemade (not crisp) fries or lay's potato chips. I don't like the homemade potato fries. This is a favorite meal for many people here. I've never been a "weekly" hamburger eater. My step-father, on the other hand, would eat a burger every day. But, it's lunch and I eat it, nonetheless.

Wednesday is also hump day - as it is everywhere. By Wednesday, I am usually very tired. I work from 7:30am-8pm on Mondays and by the time I get off work on Tuesdays at 5:00pm, I can barely walk or stay awake. When I walk into my unit on Tuesday nights, my friends already know that I will likely spend most of the night in my room, reading, on my bed. When I get up to walk to the restroom, people actually laugh, because I am walking like an old lady. It's been worse lately, with both my legs/feet in pain at night. Yet, there's nothing I can really do about it here!

Tonight, I will probably be more awake than last night and by tomorrow, I will be over the "hump." Thursdays are usually good days for me. By Friday evening, I pass out around 6pm and can sleep until morning - except that I have to stand for 9pm count. I keep wishing that my body will get better, that somehow, something will reverse itself and I will just be healthy again. I fear that's not occurring at the moment. But, I make the best of it. I may walk slow, but I don't stop walking. I can use an elevator, but I choose to walk up/down the flight of stairs to the chow hall (although I am glad I no longer live 24 stairs up in my unit!).

I am trying to focus on the health in the 4 areas of my life - emotionally, spiritually, physically, and mentally. Given my location at present, all these can suffer at various times. However, emotionally I am strong from my recovery program. I always lean on G.A. when I am feeling emotionally spent. Mentally, I take care of myself by talking things out and making sure I am living one day at a time. I will get too overwhelmed if I go much further out than that. Spiritually, I have always struggled. Not with my religion - I am Jewish - but with prayer and the concept of God. However, my recovery has helped me there too - as I do believe in a higher power and I know that I cannot control everything or anybody. I only can do the next right thing. I say the serenity prayer often, and that helps a great deal. There is the tiny Jewish community here, but I am unable to attend their Tuesday afternoon group and I am okay with that fact. I'd rather have my job.

So, the area I always struggle the most with is physical health. I've always been overweight and I accept that I will never be thin. My goal, always, is to be healthy. I've lost almost 20 pounds since arriving at Carswell and I suspect the pounds will slowly continue to fall. Even with burgers every week, the weight is coming off. I hope that it is a sign that I am finally losing the weight put on by months of prednisone use last year. My face is still round due to the pills. If I lose another 20 pounds, I will be at a weight I haven't been in more than 10 years. However, so much about my body is out of my control. Ever since I got sick last year, I struggle with pain, swelling, and other symptoms. Medication helps, but nothing has stopped it. Some of the best rheumatologists in the country have seen me and helped to diagnose me. So, what do I do when one of the 4 areas of my life - physical health - is so out of whack??

Acceptance. Acceptance is the only way I can keep my physical health, and not lose my emotional, spiritual, or mental health at the same time. Sometimes it is really hard. But, I know that I can only do what I am capable of doing and that I have a whole life to live, even with these physical issues. I know I will survive anything... I mean, I am surviving Carswell and weekly hamburger day after all.