From Dragonfly: Sexuality and Gender

I wrote something about sexuality and gender early in my stay here and sent it to Cache. Maybe, if she has time, she will share it with everyone. However, I just want to write about a conversation in my room yesterday. It started with a young, very masculine, boi coming to our room to talk with one of my roommates. I asked my roommate if this young woman is actually transgender in the outside world. I worry about how these F-to-M trans people have to claim to be female in prison in order to have the safety of being at a women's prison. There seem to be a lot of them. Based on my knowledge of the LGBT community and work specifically with trans individuals, I worry about how their identity may be conflicted while incarcerated. Anyway, Army said, "yes, I think they do identify as male in the outside world." That made sense to me.

Anyway, then Bandanna, my roommate who identifies as lesbian and has been locked up for 12 years since she was 19 years old, starts going through a trans-phobic dialogue. She also indicates that any woman who has ever been with a guy can't be lesbian. Braids, my other roommate, then pipes in about how if someone is male identified, they are still a woman if they have female body parts. Isn't this the same kinds of arguments we all hear on the outside?

I try to explain that there is a difference between gender and sexuality. There is also a difference between identity and behavior. Okay, other than to Army, I'm talking to two walls. Bandanna and Braids are certainly NOT open to anything I am saying. Well, I guess most people in this world wouldn't understand this either. I speak from an academic and personal experience point of view, they speak from emotions. No one can ever agree when you come at things from different perspectives. I finally just said, "yeah, okay," and left it at that. I have to remember that I am surrounded by people who lived in very different environments than I have. Not that my environments were any better than theirs, but we have different life experiences to base our understanding of things on. I just wish I could have some way to help against the homophobia and transphobia that exists behind these walls.

It may sound funny that I talk of homophobia, when nearly 90% of the women I meet are having relationships with other women. Most see it as a "choice," very different from identity and very different than the reality of LGBT people on the outside. It's like actual attraction/love has so little to do with these relationships. They are distractions from the reality here. They are a way to put our energy on other people and not focus on ourselves and the growth we need. Having been a scholar and advocate of the LGBTQ community for years, I am totally taken aback by the reality of these existences within prison. It is night and day from what we see outside prisons. Once these women leave prison, most are looking forward to being back with their boyfriends, husbands, or finding some new guy. These relationships in here are just a way to pass the time (not all, but it appears that way for the most part).

As for me, I am sticking with what I wrote before I ever came to prison. I am not interested in anything other than friendships. Danbury "informed" me that she believes two different women have crushes on me. I think she's nuts. I don't see it and I also am not interested in anything. I just want to do my time and get home to my friends and family. That is all I want. I appreciate my friendships/acquaintances. I actually hope to keep in touch with a few of them upon my release (when we are allowed). But, my goal is to get through this on my own. I walked in by myself and I will walk out by myself. One of the scariest things I've heard (more than once) is when one woman is near release and her girlfriend asks her to not go - to get in trouble or refuse halfway house in order to stay longer. Nothing could be MORE selfish! No one should WANT to be in prison any longer than they have to. These women should be happy for their girlfriends. If they really loved them, they would want what is best for them. Being in prison, is not what is best! If for some reason it is meant to be that they are to be together, it will happen, one day, when they are both free.

Okay, off my soap box and back to reality...