From Dragonfly: Star Spangled Banner

When a prison is on a military base, as this one is, we can sometimes see/hear things occuring on the base beyond our fences. Yesterday, a jet owned by the air force (I believe) was flying and the noise was overwhelming. I only hear these things outside, the medical facility and units keep out all outside noise. Too much concrete I imagine.

Everyday, there is a military tradition that we hear as well, if we are outside. The speakers on the base play "The Star Spangled Banner." I'm used to hearing the song at sports events, and love it when crowds roar and clap when whoever is singing it does the line, "the land of the FREE," which they hold that note on the "free" for quite a while. However, when I hear that line here, it brings tears to my eyes. I am not free. In many ways, I will never be "free" again.

Sure, I will be released within the next 6-7 months. I will go home and be "on paper" for three more years. However, I will have more freedom than I will here, or in the prison camp across the street. But then, what? Well, a felony follows one around... work applications, school applications, public assistance, friendships, family, etc. Many will just say, "no," and make you feel you are right back in prison after you've done your time. Not everyone, but some.

What will matter is how we handle that reality. This felony will not define my life. My imprisonment will not define my life. They are chapters of a much bigger life. People will treat me wrong, but that is not about me or anything I did, it is about them and their closed-mindedness. Would I really want to work somewhere that has a boss that won't trust me? Would I want friendships with people who cannot see past the mistakes of one's past?

I figure we can choose to go forward with our lives or we can wallow in our misfortunes. I choose to not let this felony and imprisonment restrict my "freedom" to be and do. Every interaction is an opportunity to educate others about addiction, forgiveness, recovery, compassion, and understanding. I will not "own" other's negativity. I will choose to surround myself by the people who choose love over hate and humility over egoism.

My life will never be the same again, that is very much the truth. But if anyone were to look back in their life 5 years, is it really the exact same? People change. Circumstances change. Struggle happens to everyone. Self-pity is a threat we all face, unless we can acknowledge that while 'different' is hard, there is usually an end to the struggle and a smile/laughter at the other side.

This experience has also helped me better see the value of some people and things in my life. The unconditional love of some, and the self-centeredness of others. Struggle does that... it helps you know who your true friends are. I am very lucky, because I have an incredible network of people who care deeply for me and whom I care deeply for as well. They know everything about me, and still choose to support me. If I didn't trust them with the truth, then that support would be fake. Only being your true self, can ensure the honesty every type of healthy relationship requires.

I also do my very best to stay away from a "why me" attitude. Why did I have addiction? Why did I make such stupid mistakes? Why did I go to prison when so many have not? My answer to these, is "why not me." I am no better than anyone else. I am affected by the same demons, experiences, and emotional turmoil as anyone else. There is no "why me," but rather I see it as I'm glad it is me and not someone else. No one I care about should have to go through this. Maybe my experience can help someone else not go through this. We never know how our interactions may help others. I sometimes think that perhaps I am here to represent all the people who struggle with gambling addiction. So many didn't go to prison "yet." Perhaps my experience, my writing, and my knowledge can help others avoid that 'yet' from every happening. If I save just one person from an experience like this, I've lived a worthy life.

For those not kept away from these walls, who either have been through this experience or are facing it in the near future, I can only say that our attitude is what matters most. We can do time, or we can let time do us. We can humbly face each day, knowing that this will be just one of those times of struggle, or we can keep a "why me" attitude. We can help others, or we can think we are better than others. We can be victims, or we can be survivors.

Missing family and friends is real and hard. But, we need to not take our family and friends into prison with us. It is hard enough on the outside knowing that someone you care about is locked up. We owe it to them to be interested in their lives, and let them try to enjoy their time until we are home again. If we put up expectations and restrictions on them, then we are being selfish. They will show their love and support through the mail, trulincs, prayers, visits, phone calls, and through them making the next right decision for themselves and their family. We are locked up, but we can't lock them up along with us.

It is nearly December and another month is coming to a close. Christmas is everywhere. There is a tree in the foyer. If another religion is celebrated, it occurs in the chapel. People are sad. They want to be with their kids, their spouses and others during the holidays. We do what we can to support one another. We had a great conversation about the foods we miss from our Thanksgiving feasts back home. We laugh at the funniest turkey cooking stories of our lives. I spent the day, yesterday, making something to send T.S. I also made two phone calls. The wait for the phones was long, but important. The food served to us was not "all that good," but it included turkey. They could have fed us anything. We are not "free" here. We are controlled. Our food is controlled. Our entertainment is controlled. We do not live in the "land of the free" when we are in prison, but it's a lot better here than in many other countries. Just take it all a day at a time, and now I'm past my Thanksgiving without family. I am past my first 3 1/2 months incarcerated. I am past my incredibly scary first few weeks. Perhaps, I do have some freedoms... I am writing this. I am wearing a sweatshirt at least 1 size too large for me and it's very comfy. I take a shower when I want to. My hair has blond highlights. I drank a hot cocoa with mini marshmellows yesterday. Maybe I don't have all the freedoms of the outside world, but I still have choice. We all still have some choice.