Frmo Dragonfly: Mourning

How does one mourn for a lost family member when they are locked up? Yesterday, South was told to go to the Chaplain's office. There, she was told that her sister passed away. Her sister was 65 years old, healthy, and just retired from her job. Her sister's family had been going through some tough times. The sister's husband has cancer and is actively doing treatments. The sister's daughter, also, had cancer recently, and had to undergo radiation and chemo. South's sister has been helping her husband and daughter through everything, little did she know that she had a silent killer, congestive heart failure, building inside of herself. I'm sure the stress of her family's health problems did not help her health. South and her sister were just 1 1/2 years separated in age, South being the older one. They were very, very close.

South's sister sent her cards here all the time. The last one arrived just a week or two ago. It said, "nothing much going on" or something like that. South's family has been incredibly supportive of her time here at Carswell. She had done nothing intentionally wrong and her 6 month sentence broke all their hearts. She goes home at the end of January (if not sooner).

So, in the meantime, she must mourn from here. She cannot be with her family. She cannot be at the funeral. She cannot see her sister one last time, laying peacefully in a casket. South has no options, except to be by herself, with all her feelings, in a place where "crying" is not the best thing to do (although, I constantly tell people that it's okay to cry).

I made sure South ate some dinner last night. She actually sat at a table with a bunch of us at the Atrium and, then, she and I took a short walk to inside rec and back. Fresh air is good. She does not get out a lot. She still carries her oxygen around (just in case), but she is not needing her walker all the time. I told South that we should have a memorial for her sister. We'll do it outdoors and she can share stories about her sister. We'll read something appropriate. We'll give South the chance to "say goodbye" in the way she can from prison.

I have NO idea what I would do if someone I love passed while I am here. I made sure to see my grandma (with Alzheimer's) one last time before my self-surrender and, amazingly, my step-grandpa - at 95 years old - is still going strong! Both are fragile, and, yet, I couldn't imagine something happening and my not being there. But there are many people I love that I would be shocked to learn about passing... like South was with her sister. I never really thought about what it would be like to mourn from prison.

We hear about others' family members passing regularly. Right now, a friend of mine has a mother with terminal cancer. She goes home in a couple months. We are praying that her mom can hold on long enough that my friend can see her before she pasts. I know a woman who lost her husband. She was not given a furlough to attend the funeral (most do not). She had to mourn her spouse from inside Carswell. One woman I know lost her son. Another has a child who is very, very sick, but she cannot get a furlough to see her young son.

If prison can teach you one thing, it is the every present reality that people matter much more than things. Every person I know, here, would give everything to be with their families. In some ways, we all mourn their loss from our lives on a daily basis - even though in our hearts we know that we will see them again, some day. However, when that person passes away, as South's sister did, all those hopes of holding them in our arms again dies along with them. Make sure the last thing you say to anyone is pleasant. You may not always be happy with your loved ones, but you never know if it's going to be the last conversation you have.

My heart goes out to South and her family at this time. There's so little we can do for someone who is mourning from prison. I know South knows that many of us care, and people are sneaking in hugs with her (we are not supposed to hug). I pray her sister felt little pain and that South is given the time she needs to mourn her loss - both here and once she is home.