Nails and Services

My aunt Bay is visiting me right now. She's always been one of my favorite people. She's an artist in every sense of the word and was never afraid of an adventure. I usually was. I grew up hearing her stories of travel and experiences that would make my jaw drop, eyes big, and head swirl with imagination. She would often put her experiences into plays and I'd sit front row watching her play multiple characters she had met over the years, fascinated, and enthralled. For the first time, I'm about to have an adventure she's never quite been on.

Bay and I decided to get pedicures today. Neither of us are girlie- girls. We are not afraid to show our toes without polish and neither of us has a manicure. We just both needed our feet to be worked on, for different reasons. Bay's toes needed a deep cleaning and foot shaving from the work she does taking care of her land and large garden. She did get some color, but she is not likely to get another pedicure for nearly a year. It's a treat!

My last pedi was in March, before a cruise. My first pedi was with a GA friend and T.S. when I was being shown that getting a pedicure was a nice self pampering. Today's pedicure was simple. Just clean up my toes, shorten my nails, and add no polish. I am not self surrendering with pretty polished toes.

In Carswell, there is a salon. Although the 'on the books' way to get services is through payment on my commissary account, in reality services are done through the unofficial 'barter system.' 

Technically, bartering items is against prison rules. This makes it very difficult to know what I will do. All I want to do is get out of prison ASAP and keep myself out of trouble. But, over a period of time, I'm inevitably going to need one or more services. 

Groceries

I did my final grocery shopping (for the most part) yesterday. I'll pick up a few items here and there, but I have a lot of planned meals out, the move, guests, and several days in Texas before my self surrender, so yesterday is likely the last time I'll go down all the aisles. I did not shop smart or necessarily healthy. I didn't look at prices. I bought my favorite breakfast cereal. I got the Greek yogurt that comes with the granola to mix in. I went to the deli for my lunch meat and cheese. I got a bottle of Mr. & Mrs. T Mix which I drink with no alcohol mixed in. A jar of whole pickles (yum!).  Milk. Good spreadable cheese and wheat thins. Eggs. A couple pieces of fruit. Pirate's Bootie. A couple more things. Not a lot. No reason to. I plan to eat at several of my favorite restaurants - sushi, Thai, Indian, Vietnamese, Mexican, Italian, the movie theater that serves meals while watching films, taco truck, and at least one really good steak!

If I lived with folks, I'd make meals here, but I've already sold my table and chairs and I prefer to try to enjoy my dinners with friends. I'll eat some meals here, enjoying my final groceries, by myself, but enjoy those real meals that I'm eating out.

16 days til self surrender

Employment

I've had a lot of jobs I have not enjoyed. Jobs with crazy bosses. Jobs that lacked supervision and let me take the fall. Jobs where I dreaded going to work every day. Jobs where I came home with a headache every night. Jobs I did just to pay bills or gamble. Jobs I wasn't respected. Jobs I didn't deserve. Right now, I love my job. I was hired into it just in December and started in January. I've loved it practically every day. I get enough independence to thrive and teamwork and supervision to learn and succeed. I work with a diverse group of individuals who each bring their own skill sets to the office and we work with an incredible population of clients. Yes, I love my job.

Next week, we hire my replacement. Two of the three candidates could possibly be there just 1-1 1/2 years, the 3rd would want the position for years. This is the reality of graduate assistant ships and PhD students -it all depends on where we are with our program. Two are close to finishing their dissertation. A slight possibility exists that if they are hired, I could come back into my job, perhaps not.

I'm not yet sure if felons can hold a graduate assistantship on my campus. I need to inquire. It will certainly affect my post prison decision making. Traveler has promised to call HR and ask the questions for me. That's very kind of her. 

I'm keeping my hope alive to come back to the job I love. At the very least, I get to make sure my replacement is awesome!

Hats

I love hats - big hats, baseball caps, bolo caps, forwards, backwards, fisherman, tall, tight, beanies, knit, safari, floppy ears hanging down, doesn't matter. My head was made for caps and I like to wear them. In fact, I'm not a fan of my hair, never have been, I like hats!

Hats are available in the commissary. There's a "plain cap" for about $7 and a knit hat for outdoors. Something tells me that neither of these hats will fit my hat head the right way, but we will see. Thing is, I will not be allowed to wear these hats into the dining hall or to my work or likely to visitation - so for the most part, my hats will only be available to me from 4-9 pm during downtime, except for the dinner time. This defeats the purpose of wearing my hats.

When I pack up my hats (yes, another box still waiting to be filled) my hat box will be filled. My hats will be in storage waiting for me and I for them. Will I choose my Vietnam safari hat? The painters cap? My favorite baseball team's hat? A cap with my college's logo? I don't know, but I will miss my nearly daily choice of what hat "matches" my clothing that I choose to wear for the day.

We Still Have Rights

Today I was trying to make my friends' life easier by consolidating my credit cards. When I called to do so, I learned that my credit looks bad because my former leased vehicle shows four months of non-payment AFTER it was traded in for a different vehicle. Needless to say, my credit limit increase and credit card consolidation was denied. 

I immediately started to call both the dealership and the credit agency that covers my car lease. Within four hours, I had a handshake and all was corrected with the dealership admitting their error to the credit agency, the credit agency reversing their reports on my credit report, and all will be well. As we all know, it takes time for the credit bureaus to correct things on their end and I'll likely be in Texas by then.

Somewhat ironic because over the next year, other items will likely hit my credit report for non-payment legitimately. Things I just don't have enough funds to cover with what I could get together. I don't think that's an excuse, though, to give up on trying to do the best I can to try to give myself a chance to maintain some credit post prison. I'm sure I will need a car. I'm sure every little thing helps. 

Even as felons, we still have rights. I felt good that I had this tiny bit of success today because these kinds of things, unfortunately, can often become headaches and nightmares instead.

17 days til self-surrender

Last Minute Changes

When we are going to prison, we unfortunately must depend on other people a lot. But we must accept that we cannot control other people and we must respect them. First, they are doing us the favor. Second, they are free, we are not. Third, we have lost our right to control our affairs. This is hard to accept, but very true.

I had several areas where I was depending on other people to make my life easier - such as where my furniture and things would go, my school being timely in reimbursing me, and things such as that. Truth is that people are allowed to be on their own timelines, not ours. They do not need to help us, they can choose to. We must be grateful for each thing that does happen.

Because not everything is going according to my perfect plan, I am needing to change my plan, which is fine. Perhaps it is more difficult, but that's on me. Perhaps I need to make some difficult choices, but that is a consequence of my going to prison.

Currently, I must decide what I will do for at least a month with my household full of things, as my first plan fell through. Most options are expensive and would also require dependence on yet more people while I am gone. My scheduled moving day is just 9 days away, I have barely packed as well. These things must be taken care of - hopefully today I get my plan together!

I Just Wanted Your Life to be Easier

So, my goodbyes with my folks went almost exactly as I thought they would. There were no tears. There were no longer than normal hugs. There were no promises of visits or letters or pictures. My mom chose to drop me off a little early at the commuter train to the city because she wants to get her car appraised, she did not wait with me or see me off. She spent most of our time together this morning on the phone with friends telling them that everything is good and talking about her upcoming trip to Las Vegas and Los Angeles. She did say one thing before we said goodbye, "I just wanted your lives to be easier..." referring to both my older sister and myself. I'm not sure what makes a life "easy," as some would say my sister- who has a nice house, two spoiled daughters, and a handsome husband, and doesn't seem to have to work has it pretty easy- but life throws her curveballs. Doesn't life throw everyone curveballs? I mean, the people with tons of money overdose, the people with much love get in accidents, the people with perfect marriages get cancer... Stuff happens. An easy life is not a guarantee. It is about how we handle our life that matters. I know my mom regrets many decisions she has made in her life. Honestly, I do not. I cannot. Who knows what different decisions would have led to? Life is about learning, growth, acceptance, and responsibility. Do I wish I were not going to prison? Sure, absolutely, but I know that it is not about dream world wishes. Life is about getting through the difficult times and still being able to smile on the other side- looking back and saying, "whoa, that was quite a ride."

Turning it all Over

Since I've come into recovery, I've been maturing. People usually mature in their teens, 20's, etc., and I did in some ways. However, my emotional maturity was just shut down and that led to other areas of failure in my life as well.

Today, I do a decent job of maintaining life on my budget, keeping a nice home, a clean car, being organized, etc. To me, these are signs of maturity. However, I am currently having to turn everything over to someone else - Survivor takes my bills and budget; my parents take over my car lease; Sporty is taking all my furniture and belongings; T.S. is taking Hope (my motor scooter); I'm leaving the apartment I love; Traveler is taking on my school email and school registration/ financial aid needs; Sporty is taking my general mail (other than bills that go to Survivor); I lose my health insurance; I cancel my renters, car, and scooter insurance; my medical bills go unpaid because I simply don't have enough money; I lose my job that I love and have to help hire my replacement; Survivor is taking on keeping this blog going by sharing updates from me; etc.

I just realized that I don't have anyone checking my non-school email yet. Always good to make lists.

Anyway, all my ways of being mature are now being stripped away from me for 10 months. To me, this makes little sense. They should be teaching us responsibility in prison, not slugging off all our responsibilities on other people.

I find the process of giving up all my responsibilities daunting and very difficult. I'm proud that my checkbook balances these days and that I was able to be approved for a decent leased car. Now I need to give up these things and let go of the control and just trust. I've learned to trust as well. It's hard though and I will not allow it to be an excuse to become immature or irresponsible. 

I'm also making these people my proxies, in the sense that I am responsible for their decisions. So, I cannot get mad at them after the fact if I do not like a decision they made. It is a consequence of my being in prison, which is a consequence of my past criminal behavior from compulsive gambling.

The Real "Lasts"

Today and the past few days have consisted of many "lasts" for my time prior to prison. Today included my last G.A. Meeting in my hometown (I'm on my way back to school tomorrow), my last session ever with my wonderful counselor (who I've been seeing for over four years), and goodbyes to several of my closest friends. Last night I had to say goodbyes to even more friends. Lots of tears. They'd start crying which would lead me to cry which would lead them to more tears. Today I also said goodbye and hugged T.S. I will talk to her before I go and during, but we will not be together again until she and Sporty visit much later in the year. That's a long time to miss a child you care deeply for! Especially when she's about to start a life adventure and I really want to be there for her. Email, letters and short phone calls will have to be the communication form for a long while. 

I've started to notice that I'm kind of detaching a bit. Notice I mentioned that others cried first. Perhaps this is a continued sign of the stress.

Speaking of stress, I woke myself up as I was sleep walking last night. I have no memory of ever sleep walking before in my life. Luckily, nothing bad at all occurred. Let us hope that is the first and last time for that behavior!

Tomorrow I take the train to my other home by school and leave this place I call home for at least 10 months. I say goodbye to my mom and stepdad and know it will be at least six months before they are planning a visit to see me. Unlike my friends, they won't be crying. That's just not how they handle these things. The next three weeks or longer will be a good excuse for another vodka gimlet for my mom and another two cheeseburgers  every night for my stepdad and hours upon end of sitting on the couch not talking while playing each other and all their friends night after night on Words with Friends with the television so loud but no one is looking at it because even at their age, their noses are in their tablets playing games. That is how they deal with life and stress. At least these days. I suppose in their heads they can't even think that it's a last, because they are unable to consider the reality of what is about to happen to me. They've asked almost no questions. They've done no research on their own. They've also told no one and are mortified that I have. I do no wear their shame of me. I am not ashamed. My life was out of my control and today I'm grateful that I got caught. Otherwise, I wouldn't even exist anymore.

Anyway, with all the "lasts" I've done lately, I'm so glad they are not forever. I have no idea what's waiting for me in and after prison. I won't even guess. But my friends, hometowns, school, and even dysfunctional family will still be around while I'm away and when I'm back. It will be up to me to ensure I make the relationships with them "last forever" rather than just be a "last."

Trying on Bras

On the commissary list for Carswell, it lists the type of bras, underwear, and shoes I will have at the facility. I don't imagine shoe salesman lining up waiting for me to say, "I'd like to try a 6 and a 6 1/2" or a dressing room to find the right bra fit. So, I'm going shopping today. Not to purchase anything, but to try on the stuff that I will need to know my sizes in.

I'm not one of those women that easily knows her size due to the fact that I'm a plus size person. While small, medium, and large tend to run about the same universally, the extra large sixes do not. Sometimes I am a XL and sometimes amazingly a XXXL - usually a XXL in my tops. But we are not allowed to wear clothing that is too baggy and I despise skin tight clothing. A too tight bra would be the worst!

However, stress and my health have also caused me weight loss. A good thing, but makes me even more unsure of my size. Last night at my pinning, my pants kept inching down due to being too big on me - oops!

So here's my plan for this afternoon. I'm going to look at the packages for Hanes brief underwear and figure out my size. Next, I will try on Hanes sport bras and figure out my size. As for shoes, I need to find my exact size in Reebok classic nylon and K-Swiss (once at prison they may only have one in stock). I will also try on isotoner slippers (in case I have enough commissary $$ to purchase them). I am unable to try on tshirts, sweatpants, sweatshirt, shorts, boots, or thermal clothing in advance, because the commissary list does not provide brand names.

One thing I am looking to purchase in advance is a small digital watch on a Velcro strap. The commissary list has a Timex ironman and a Casio analog watch. After talking with the prison, if I come in with a similar watch, I may be able to keep it. I'm looking to get something like the Timex one because I'd prefer something sporty with an alarm built in. No need to buy an alarm clock that way. Nothing fancy. Likely much cheaper to bring in with me, than spend $42.50 out of my commissary fund.

I'm starting my day at kohl's. They should have most items. Being able to prepare in this way is yet one more advantage of self surrender!

5 Year Pinning

In the GA program, certain milestones receive "pinnings." They are available for 1 year, 5 years, 10 years, and each 5 years following. Regions do them a little different. Whomever is being pinned, can make a lot of decisions for what happens at their pinning. Tonight was my 5 year celebration of recovery. I've spent a while preparing for it... Deciding whom to ask to do each of the program roles: chair, combo book readings, walk-through, day at a time reading, gam-anon reading, business, speakers, pinning, invocation, etc. I made electronic presentations for during dinner, during the readings, and during my speech (which lasted about 30 minutes). I designed a printed program and a bookmark for all the guest. But I love doing all these things and in reality, I did the easy work. Survivor ordered and put together food for 80-100 people and brought practically half her kitchen to the location - now that's the hard work. Wow! I am always amazed by the lengths my friends will go to to help and support me.

The message of my speech is that even in recovery, we face hard things, but facing them in recovery, allows us to face them head on and then move forward. It is about hope. I ended with this quote:

I really like that quote, because if we choose despair instead of hope in our dark days, our days will only get darker. That is what feeds our addiction.

I was amazed to see that several people brought gifts to the pinning as well. Call me strange, but I did kind of look at them funny, I mean, I'm about to self surrender and can't bring anything. Well, most of the envelopes had cash or gift cards. More that what most people would likely receive. Like, wow! And all the gifts were incredibly appropriate and given with thought. One gift stood out, as it is a white hat with a dragonfly and "Dragonfly Hazel" sewn into it. I will cherish all my gifts, but that cap is really unique!

So, what does my pinning have to do with my going to prison? I just told a room of nearly 100 individuals my story - not just of the devastation of an addiction, but the promises of recovery. I focused on the fact that life does not get perfect or even easy after surrendering to GA, but with the tools to face our consequences face on, we can keep our hope!

20 Days

I'm procrastinating. I know, I shouldn't. But I am. I have about 6 boxes packed and I'm leaving town in the morning to head to my hometown to have my G.A. 5 year pinning (celebration of recovery). I'll be gone 4 days. Perhaps spending time with my best friends will help me get motivated to get through my long list in my red notebook so I can move out of my apartment on time, get assignments done, and finalize all my planning. I've had a pleasant distraction of guests for several days. I've been able to help them out and distract myself from my needs. Not a healthy plan, but sometimes a break is necessary.

So, I imagine I'm not the only procrastinator out here. So, some ideas... Back to my red notebook. Never put it down. Even if I have five minutes free. I can be making a phone call or sending an email. Ask for help. Don't let your ego get in the way. Ask what you need help for. For me, it's both packing and moving. I even asked people for boxes. Mind as well save $. Prioritize with deadlines. Things can't just move to tomorrow because some things require a certain advance notice. Make sure you are on top of those. And don't forget - get those legal documents drafted!!!