From Dragonfly Hazel

Upon entry to FMC Carswell, I entered R&D - all arrivals and discharges go through this area of the prison. I was put into a 10 x10 concrete cell with a metal toilet on the other side of a half wall. The door was only closed 3/4 of the way and never locked. I was asked out for various initial meetings before being put back in - medical intake with a physician's assistant (I think he was) where I was told which medications I would and which I would no longer receive, a caseworker who made sure I received the rules and signed necessary forms, etc. I, of course, was asked to strip, put all my clothing into a box, and mail it to someone, which I did. First strip search of my life. I did not complain. I had to squat and spread my "cheeks". I did not complain. I lifted each foot, rubbed my hair, showed the back of my ears, opened my mouth for her to inspect, and lifted my breasts. I did not complain. I had nothing to hide. She gave me my initial uniform - pants that were about 7 inches too long, a loose sports bra, underwear one size too small, a hospital style nurses shirt that was too big. You get what they have. I did not complain. They handed me shoes in my size. One it a dark blue, well worn, and the other used to be blue, but has been washed or bleached a few too many times, so it looks white. I did not complain. I also got knee socks. For the night, I was given a sheet, blanket, towel, soap, shampoo, roll-on deodorant, & a bag to carry it all. I was led to my bed, a half inch thick mattress on metal (you have to scavenger for one of the three inch thick mattresses), and no pillow. No pajamas either. I guess they make you start borrowing right away. I don't want to owe favors to anyone, but survival is important too. I was put into the "Bus Stop", a room with 7 beds (3 bunk beds and a cot). The prison is maxed 2.capacity: and beds are hard to come by. I should be moved at some point. I didn't talk much, unless questioned by a staff member or officer that first day. No matter how much "research" I did, nothing can actually prepare you for the reality of living among 1500+ women with every kind of personality, offense, and some looking at never getting out of prison. Perspective is changed 100 percent. I am okay.

First Contact

Dragonfly made her first outside contact to Sporty. According to Sporty, Dagonfly sounded good.  She said she had lost some weight....she wasn't eating much the days before self surrender...and the food was "ok". Take from that what you will.

She is in a space with 6 other women and, yes, there is drama. For those who have watched "Orange is the New Black" and observed the drama depicted on this show, she said it is more so there.

Phone calls are difficult.  Apparently,  I am not on the approved list as yet and another call went to voice mail to someone else on her list before she was able to reach Sporty. She must wait 30 min between calls and the lines are long. According to Sporty, the caller ID on her phone came in as "Unknown Number". When you receive a call, it will state where the call is from and you have the option to accept, decline or permanatly decline. During the call you will hear a recording reminding you it is a call from the prison...just in case you have forgotten. When the time is getting close to timing out , you will hear a recording  letting you know and when time is up, it terminates. She had given up her lunch time to make her call.

She stated that the mail many of us had mailed prior to her surrender was much appreciated.

The commissary funds she had sent from Western Union two days before surrender was there for her commissary visit. She did state she wasn't able to purchase all she needed. Not sure why.

Before the call ended she restated how much the mail means to everyone.  So, please take time out of your busy schedules to make someone's day if you have loved ones in prison.

She is taking it a day at a time....

On 8-21-2013 I wrote a one page note with the large words "I'M O.K." with small statements surrounding the words and mailed it off to Survivor. These statements were my thoughts and observations just a couple days into my imprisonment. "I am o.k." comes from the C.O. we met a couple days earlier who told me to tell everyone I was okay no matter what... Thank you Survivor for holding on to the mail I sent you!

8-21-13

I'm O.K.

I’m talking with the education department about a tutoring job.

The drama here is more than you can ever imagine.

There is no GA meeting. I asked the Chaplain if I can start one.

I go to clinic every day for A.M.  appt, vitals, TB test, DNA test, etc.

My pillow is a feather pillow (first night they give you no pillow or sleep clothes)

I stand and walk and stand and wait and stand a lot. I’m tired.

About 50% of the inmates speak Spanish.

Being a self-surrender is very rare and this place is very over-crowded.

There are 3 other Jewish women of the 1,500+ inmates.

Lights out at 10:30pm.

Inmates go crazy on commissary, especially food and seasonings.

I live in 1 south in a room called the “bus stop.”

I’ve become an introvert.

I’ve been hit on at least 3x, but I’ve made it clear I’m not interested.

It takes me 45 minutes standing in line to get into Pharmacy, each meal, and my pill line, no sitting!

It took me until Wed. evening to get into the email system. Lines can be 1-hour long.

There are a lot of inmates waiting to be deported, but here for months.

I have a bank robber in my cell.

One of my roommates just got out of the SHU after 3 months.

I’ve met women with as much as 30 years here.

I have made a” friendship” with South, in my cell and also a newbie self-surrender. She’s 67, here due to Lupus and we trust each other. She worked at a University.

I have 6 roommates (4 have girlfriends).

I am given underwear a size too small originally and all my shirts are too big because they run out of sizes a lot.

I can spend $160 every 2 weeks in commissary. For right now, I need to. Plus $ for email/calls, so $400 in Sept.

I sweated off about 2lbs a day.

Some people are nice.

One woman said she knows 10 cent words and asked if anyone knew what “erroneous” meant. No one here but South and I did.

Mental Health and Physical Health population are together. Many people have no health issues here.

I am having a hard time sleeping, but am sleeping.

I’ve lost 5 lbs. since arriving 48 hours ago, according to the clinic scale.

I’M O.K.

Self surrendered

  Dragonfly Hazel self surrendered  yesterday morning at Carswell prison. I am Survivor.  It was a surreal experience. As I knew Dragonfly Hazel would do, she surrendered with dignity.

We arrived at the main entrance to Carswell 30 min early so we could have time to talk and say our goodbyes.   Dragonfly Hazel approached the police guard shack 5 minutes before her report time and advised them she was there to self surrender. The guard took her information and told her it could take10 min to one hour before the box truck would be there to take her in. He said it was ok to sit in the car with the AC since it was so hot.  It took about 20 min for the white truck to show. 

The guard/driver approached the guard shack, exchanged information and approached the car. She got out and showed him what she had to take in...a couple days of her current meds and her paperwork from her doctors.  He asked if she had anything in her pockets..no..and said it was time to go.

We gave each other one last hug and they walked to the truck. After getting in the truck she called to me that she needed her license for ID,  which I had and provided.  Appararently they hold on to it and return upon release.

I sat in my car and watched the truck turn and enter through the naval base entrance.  Dragonfly Hazel put her hand on the window to say goodbye. That is when I wept. I had held it together for the entire weekend for her. It was now my time to grieve her situation. We will try to post updates as we get them. She may be inside those walls, but always in our hearts, thoughts  and prayers.

My last personal post from the outside

Thank you to each and every blog reader, whether you came here on purpose or by chance, you have helped me get through the last two months. I'm honored that you choose to read my blog and be a part of my story.

Remember that you can't solve all your problems at once, so don't try to. There is no shame in asking for help! Breathe! Concentrate on just one day at a time. The days and weeks will pass soon enough and before you know it, you will be on the other side of this and stronger for living through it.

2.5 Hours of Freedom

I slept. Some. I meditated. Some. I dreamed. Some. I thought about words I didn't yet say and people I hadn't reached out to and yesterday's advice from the correctional officer and how bizarre and amazing that we had that moment with the correctional officer and the number of times Survivor and I have gotten lost in the 48 hours since arriving and how almost no restaurants were open on a Sunday night (not even McDonald's) and my sadness at turning in the handbook project not quite complete and that this motel lied about having free wifi if it goes in and out every other minute and how I will take a shower if I can't buy shower shoes for a couple days and ...

I think my ADD comes out especially strong at moments of high stress. At the same time, though, I'm resting comfortably and I did send one last message to some of my close friends:

"Never think I wouldn't be happy to hear about the good things in your lives because of where I will be. Also, never think that you can not complain to me because of it either. Remember that I am not the center of the universe. I hope you all will share with me your ups and downs. I care about you all (okay, some of you a little more than others - ha). I am and will be okay! I have all the tools of my recovery program to get me through this and I am not alone. I am going in with an army fighting for me at every second. If someone starts in on me, I truly believe that all I need to do is close my eyes and you all will be in my head calming me, holding me, loving me, patching me up, and helping me as if you could step outside my dreams. The scary inside those gates have nothing on the calm and love you all have shown me throughout this ordeal."

I share this because I believe it to be true and I never want my friends to feel that they cannot be whole with me because of my situation. My imprisonment is only temporary and my friendships and love, hopefully, are permanent.

A Quick Last Request

I have a special group of women in my life. We are all in G.A. together and have formed a special community of support and recovery. In my first year of recovery, one of the women, Peppy, mentioned to me that it would be great to have a special retreat for women in G.A. and told me about an experience she had with another group. It lit a spark and within months, I developed the first annual women's recovery weekend retreat to be held at my aunt's property - wonderful, serene land in a rural Midwestern farming and arts community. Seven woman signed up that first year - most sleeping on air mattresses - and we played a great game for women, called "Cowgirls." It is a game where women friends can learn more about one another, laugh, reveal, tell stories, and be strong. We found ourselves playing that game every night, in addition to our other activities of campfires, cook outs, discussions, reflections, creative projects, writing, sharing and much more. More women have joined us since that time (although we top out at 10 people) and we've held the retreat every year, but we are now officially the "Cowgirls." This year, the retreat will go forward without me, and I'm glad it will. This retreat is about each person in the group, not just me, and we all look forward to it every year. I'll be looking forward to hearing how our 5th annual festivities helped each woman find a little more serenity.

Two days ago, I made a request of my fellow cowgirls. I asked if we all could do a conference call together before my self-surrender and say the serenity prayer. The serenity prayer runs through all 12-step programs, from what I understand, and is an important part of keeping ourselves thinking and acting rationally. So often, we become obsessed with those things that we have no power over. The serenity prayer gives us the words to refocus our thoughts to only that which is possible. We must have serenity to accept the things we cannot change. I must accept (and my friends must accept) that there is nothing in our power to change the fact that I am going to prison tomorrow. We must have courage to change the things we can. I must have courage (and my friends must have courage as well) to find the strength to make difficult decisions regarding my health, finances, education, relationships, etc. We must have the wisdom to know the difference. I must have wisdom (and my friends must have wisdom as well) to know when something is or is not within our control. For me, right now, almost nothing is within my control. I've signed over legal documents to put everyone else in control of all my affairs. Instead of taking responsibility, I will be walking away from it while my friends take on all of mine. But they, too, must have the wisdom to accept when even with their best efforts, they may not be able to better my situation(s) from the outside.

Having this time, tonight, at 10pm (12 hours before my self-surrender) to have all my cowgirls on the phone line was like having a boost of love and energy sent to me through the phone. I thought we would just do the serenity prayer and hang up, but we actually spent 30 minutes talking. Some friends spoke kind thoughts to me, others asked questions. I just took it all in. These women, strong, smart, capable women - all here for me - two even celebrating their birthdays tonight - but they chose to support me and be there for me.

Serenity, Courage, Wisdom --- Indeed.

I Meet My First Carswell C.O.

Today we made it to Fort Worth, Texas and made our first stop finding FMC Carswell. I read multiple times on Prison Talk that people get lost often. I was pleased to find the prison on my google maps, and this is what we found (the following is a video - make sure you turn up your sound):

Things did not end there, however. We soon learned that we had found the right gate for weekend visitation (there is no longer Friday or Monday visitation at Carswell for some reason), but a different gate for self-surrender. I’m not sure how I was supposed to know this specific information, but I was open and honest with the Corrections Officer at the visitation security booth and he told me and Survivor to pull over and he would come over and give me directions to the “right” gate and some “hints” for doing my time at Carswell.

I need to start by saying that this C.O. was incredibly friendly, even when what he was telling me was  un-politically correct. In fact, I’m going to share some of the transcript with you – the breaks are because he was also waving cars by and doing the job he was supposed to do. He talked to us for over 15 minutes. We asked little - he offered all the topics and his comments. I imagine he's been asked some questions before. I imagine most haven't done the research I have. I’m keeping him anonymous – but as I said, he was kind. Later today, I looked at Survivor and commented, “oh my, his speech was almost identical to the counselor’s speech to Piper on her first day in 'Orange is the New Black'!” I kid you not. If I stay away from trouble and keep to myself, I will be okay. Oh, and stay away from the 'lesbians'. Don’t we all hear that advice over and over again?

 “Here’s the advice I’m going to give you. Come here. Do your time. Be as productive as you can while you are here. You only have a year, right? Ten months or so. So, you already need to be in the mindset of getting out. You don’t need to get involved with all the bullshit that goes on in prison. Because there is quite a bit of it. I’m not going to lie. 'Dyking' and all that stuff. It’s a female prison. It goes on here. Just like it would go on at a male prison. If you do the right things, people aren’t going to mess with you, because they want to be involved in the dirty stuff. Does that make sense to you? So, if they get an inkling that you want to go that route, they’re going to suck you right in….”

“About the medical care. You can read all kinds of stuff about any hospital not just a prison. Pull up any hospital and you’re going to read all kinds of crap. You can find good things you hear bad things. I’ll tell you this. The inmates here will see the same doctor here and you and I would. They don’t make, trust me when I tell you this, they’re not calling around to see who is the cheapest doctor, they’re not taking you in the alley somewhere to get you some treatment or nothing like that. You are going to get the best medical care that you can find. So, I hope that helps ease your mind. Okay? This is a hospital, so we have nurses, we actually have PA’s here, we have everything you need at a regular hospital, other than we are not going to do operations or anything like that. All that gets sent out to the local hospitals. The guards go with you. You get your medical stuff done and you come back. So, that should ease your mind. Right about that part anyway…”

“As far as like the prison life itself, inside of the prison, it’s a lot harder inside than if you were going to the camp. That’s why I asked you if you were going to the camp. Because of your medical condition, this is the only medical center. So, with that being said, right, in those housing units, depending on where they put you, typically 200-300 inmates per housing unit with just one officer, so you really got to look out for yourself. Like I said, if you stayed to yourself, I’m not telling you to come here and not to talk to people. You know, do like you would do out on the street in an unfamiliar area. You know use your manners and stuff like that. There’s a lot of programs that you can get involved with. Like I said, remember, you’re going to have a short time. Get involved as soon as you walk in the door. Start with education. They’ve got the chapel. They’ve got all kinds of programs. If you want to lose some weight, they have a walking track, it’s a half a mile. Get out there and walk early in the morning, you don’t have to jog. Right? You’re going to have a job, right? Depending on how bad your sickness is, you may not have a job while you are here. But then you might. You might want one. So, you’ll see inmates that don’t want to do nothing while they’re here…”

“The food, it’s not the greatest. But I’ll tell you this, it’s better than the troops are eating over in the desert. So, when it comes to that kind of stuff, the inmates, I hear them complaining, but I don’t hear them. Does that make sense? Cause a lot of these inmates, they have it better than they did out on the streets. It might not be better than you’ve been used to, but a lot better than some of them. So, you take it for what it’s worth. You know? We have a commissary, so you’ll go shopping in the commissary. A lot of the inmates – I mean you’re going to notice all these games that the inmates play – you’ll, I mean, being around on the street you’re going to be able to see them. You’re going to see inmates running around and doing whatever. You do what you think is right. Obviously, if you go and tell and they find out who told, you’re going to cause problems for yourself, right? Now, on the down low, we always get a lot of inmates dropping notes or they catch the officer by themselves. Well, that’s on you to do. We’re not going to ask you to do it. A lot of the inmates feel that they need to do that. Unbelievable stuff that goes on here in prison.”

I really liked this part of his monologue to me:

“Trust me, this is going to be a life changing experience for you. The bad thing about this is that you’re the one getting the time, …., anybody in your life is also getting to experience this at the same time. While you’re doing your time, everything comes to a standstill. It’s not just you. Okay, so don’t go in there and get to being sorry about yourself, because you’re not the only one doing the time. Your family is too. It sucks for me to come here and have to see the families come inside to visit….”

 “So, have a tough skin when you get here. Not too tough, okay? You’re a woman, so it’s okay to be a woman… Ten months is a short time. To be honest with you, if there’s anything else medically wrong with you, this is the time to get it fixed. You know what I’m saying? It’s going to be free. Everything is going to be free, so anything that you usually have copays out there, you’re not going to have to pay for here. Okay now, they do charge for sick calls and things like that, it’s like $2.00 bucks. You know what I’m saying? Personally, if I was locked down, I’d get everything done. So, don’t turn this into a negative. Make sure you’re keeping it positive. Like I said, you’ve got a short time. You’re going to see those inmates doing 30, 40, 50 years, life. Don’t get sucked into them suckers. Because they’re going to try to be your buddy. Because they know what you get out, you’re going to have a job and they want money coming back in. When you get here you’re not going to have a single friend. You’re not coming here with anyone going in or out, because that’s how you’re going to leave, by yourself.”

He then told me to be incredibly grateful for my circle of people supporting me from the outside and to assure everyone that I’m okay – no matter what – I’m okay. CO's will call me "inmate" or by my last name. I am to refer to the CO's by Officer (insert last name here) and look them in their eyes. I should respect the officers even if I were to bump into them after I leave the prison.

“I didn’t put you here, you put yourself in here.”

I appreciated his candor and support and the fact that he was straight forward and kind. He kind of lost me a bit with "dyking," as his judgements of people showed nearly immediately. But, generally, his advice is true and while I do not intend to get excessive medical care I do not need, I will try to make the best of my time in Carswell.

Pictures of Serenity

I was given a rare opportunity just one month prior to my sentencing. I was allowed to travel internationally with several colleagues from my school to South Africa. I am bringing with me into Carswell many memories of awe inspiring beauty. I thought I'd share a couple images I took that are now instilled in my brain when I close my eyes:

We can never forget that there is incredible beauty in this world and reasons to take our next breath.

The Last Minute Details

Today is about doing those things that needed to - or I wanted to - wait until today to ensure completion. I will officially move from my smart phone to an old phone, drop my service to the lowest basic possible Verizon phone service available, and then suspend my account. In three months, Survivor will suspend my account again. Then, for the final months, my bills that will be due, will be a fraction of the amount I was paying with an iPhone plan. The phone I'm switching my account to does not even work. It is just a account holder, so I don't break my contract or lose my number.

It's going to be a lot of phone calls first! I have to make sure I at least try to call some people before officially turning off this phone - my last communications for a very long while that are protected by the first amendment, where I can speak my mind, have no time limit, not worry I'll be censured, and not fear who is listening in.

Before any of that, I'm going to have breakfast with my step-sister and my niece whom I adore. We will have no talk of tomorrow. A perfect start to my day.