From Dragonfly: Welcome Back to Junior High

Junior High was definitely not the highlight of my life. The hormones going through everyone's bodies made everything strange. Male "friends" immediately were termed "boy friend." Girls got meaner to one another. Everyone dressed in fads, even if it didn't look quite right on the person. People became popular and other's became targets. Athletes were decided and nerds were, also, decided. Junior High is all about factions, emotions, fitting in, and friendships won and lost.

I would never choose to go back to Junior High, but here I am. Being in a woman's prison is just like back in junior high, especially in one way. I remember a week of 6th or 7th grade, where I went from popular to a target. All the girls made fun of me, gossiped about me, and left me not understanding what I'd done wrong. A week later, I was "welcome" back to the popular crowd. I asked, "why did you treat me that way?" The answer was, "because we have to pick on someone and it was your turn." I didn't want to "fit in" any more. I never chose to be mean over kind. I was friendly to the popular kids and the nerds (not realizing that later in life I would realize that I, in fact, am a nerd). Sure, I wore the right clothes, was popular in the Junior High dating scene, and continued to be friendly with everyone, but I never trusted the girls again. Being mean, just to be mean, and targeting/bullying someone because it is fun, is just not my style.

Here, the same thing happened to me starting about a week and a half ago. I've written a little about it, but somehow, people mistook my writing for something it is not and I became the target. The gossip, stares, sides-taken, popularity circles, fakeness, and meanness was once again my reality. It didn't even make sense. People no longer knew why they were targeting me for all the gossip and lies, but it just festered forth. A couple women even went to my boss and told her that I've been bad-mouthing her behind her back and she should fire me. Such an incident never occurred. I love my job and think highly of the teachers. But, suddenly, they were considering terminating my employment. I made it through the "meeting" last Friday without being fired. I spoke the truth about the gossip and how some women were choosing to target me - going after my job was the #1 way they knew they could hurt me. I love teaching/tutoring that much. But, even with still holding my job, nothing is the same. The damage was done. I don't blame my supervisor for a second to question whether she can trust me. How would she know if I am telling the truth or if the others were. Hopefully, in time, this, too, will pass over.

I will never understand the reasons girls/women can be so mean to one another. I don't understand why I've always been an easy target. At least, through my recovery, I am able to take each day one at a time and know that tomorrow, anything is possible. I do my best not to fret on the lies told about me and instead to focus on the positivity of a day worth living. Being in prison is a brutal experience, but the junior high mannerism is probably the worst part of it.