From Dragonfly: Haters

I've always had haters; people who just couldn't stand me. I would cry and cry, not understanding why people could be so mean. I wasn't mean. I always wanted to be everyone's friends. Back in my junior high days, a bunch of people started in on me because they didn't like that I wanted to be everyone's friend. They wanted me to choose - was I their best friends or was I other people's best friends. It sucked. I cried. Everyone, back then, actually wanted to be my friend.

In high school, I was really into theater. One day, I was at school rehearsing my lines for the opening night of a show I was co-starring in. It was the biggest role I'd ever been given and I wanted to ensure I was prepared. I was sitting in a classroom that had been temporarily shifted into our dressing room. I sat at the back of the room on an old couch, behind a clothes rack full of our costumes. It was private that way and I could relax while studying.

Well, suddenly a group of the other teens I was in the play with, including my co-star, walked into the room talking. They did not know I was sitting there, they could not see me. I was about to say something, when I suddenly realized they were talking about ME. So, I listened. The teen who was my co-star was saying, "I just don't like her. I don't know what it is, but she just gets on my nerves..." I cried. Why? Why was I so unlikable? Being that this was when I was SOOOO broken, just starting the behaviors that would lead me to be addicted to something, I believed everything anyone thought of me. I was hated. It actually turned out okay, for me at least, because in the play ("Top Girls") I was supposed to despise her and the anger in the play was the best I'd ever shown on stage. She didn't know why I was so good that night, but she hugged me after we got our standing ovation. Did she like me now?

Yes, I always worried about what people thought of me. I was obsessed with it. My self-esteem was based on the reflection I got from the people around me. If someone told me I was cute, I must be cute. If someone told me I was ugly, I must be ugly. If someone told me I was stupid, I was stupid. I didn't have a clue that I needed to look within myself and discover who I was and what I was. I just wanted to be liked.

So, fast forward to my 40's now, and I'm about 6 years out of that mindset. Sure, it sucks to be hated, but I know the hating has nothing to do with me and everything to do with the hater. I, also, don't care if everyone likes me. To be honest, I don't like everyone who crosses my path either. Just yesterday, I was trying to console with my friend, the one who believed she was going to the SHU, but is not, and someone walked up to see what was going on. When my friend was about to say something about me, this stranger to me said, "I don't like her" and walked off. I just blurted out, "well, that's fine, I've never, ever, spoken to you. I'm glad you are able to decide you don't like me." I brushed that "hater" off my shoulder and laughed. People are so closed-minded. They believe everything they hear by someone else. Haters LOVE to get other people to also hate.

I really don't care why people choose to not like me. People hear rumors and believe them to be true. People want to feel better about themselves, by putting other people down. People are jealous for whatever stupid reason. People just don't "get you" some of the time. It happens. I happen to like a lot of people that others do not. I get to know them for real. I get to see the person they are. I don't just judge them for their faults - we all have faults - but for the person they are or aspire to be. Some people have never understood that about me, why I'd stick by someone's side after they've done something that I should judge them negatively for... but look at my life. Do I want to be judged for my mistakes? Should I be friendless because I am now a felon or I've been dropped out of my PhD program or because I am not the best actress (even though I really wanted to be), or because some people just don't get my sarcasm and think I'm being mean when that is not the intention, or because sometimes I talk before I think (bad habit), or because I can be moody every now and then (who isn't?), or because I say "yes" too easily and when I say "no," I still feel a twinge of guilt????? I guess there's a lot of reasons people can hate other people. Sometimes personalities just don't mesh. It happens. It's okay.

I've written it many times, "other people's opinions of me are none of my business." It's the absolute truth. As long as I am able to go about my life, knowing that I am a decent person, trying to make the best of the trials and tribulations handed to me during life, accepting my many mistakes, I can accept anyone else's hated opinion of me. If you hate me, you just don't "get" me. That's okay. Because, I am still the kind of person who attempts to be nice to everyone; not because I want everyone to like me, but because I believe we should treat people with respect. Treat others and we would like to be treated. Maybe the person has not seen a lot of kindness in their life. Maybe, just maybe, the kindness will help turn a bad day into a decent one for them. You never know. Haters will be haters, but I prefer to focus on the good - there's some good in everyone, you just have to be willing to take the time to develop your own opinions, rather than focus on everyone else's.