The Solo Thanksgiving

At first, we were going to have a nice small Thanksgiving holiday. Then, a friend was going to come in and visit and it was going to be a bit more cheerful. Then, things once again changed and I am here by myself for the holiday. It's not the first time I've been alone for Thanksgiving and it is certainly not the loneliest. In fact, I am perfectly happy spending this holiday solo. I have a couple papers to be working on and can really use the down time for myself. I certainly do not require a turkey dinner to make myself feel special. I know I am loved and I did receive invitations for holiday feasts - only they were back home - out of state - and being under supervision, I am unable to just go. A couple days for me and Superdog to just spend together. Perfectly fine for me!

When I was in my gambling days, I spent plenty of Thanksgivings alone. Some, I would go to the movies. Perhaps I'd see 1, 2, even 3 movies. I'd feel sorry for myself that I had no family nearby and no one to spend the holiday with. I was either in school far away from home, all my close friends had left to spend the holiday with their families, or I was in a period of isolation from others. I'd inevitably be trying to get to a casino - depending on where I lived - a short 10 minute drive or an hour drive or a three hour drive from where I lived. Once at the casino, I no longer thought about Thanksgiving, I was lost in my dream world of diamonds, spades, hearts, and clubs, ringing bells, nameless faces, twirling die, and where money had no real value... my life had no value... the holiday had no value... my friends had no value... nothing had any value. Year after year after year of turkey days finding myself lost with nothing really to be grateful for because I didn't even understand what gratitude really meant.

As I embark on this year's Thanksgiving, I have a list much longer than I could ever write of things I am grateful for. Depending on whether I count from when I was released from Carswell or released from Home Confinement, I have officially been out for 5 months from coming home on home confinement and 6 months from Carswell. My life is good and full of wonderful people and possibilities. I have great friends, loving family, a Superdog, a job that means something to me, a new career outlook, this blog, GA and continued recovery, a livable budget, health insurance, opportunities, a reasonable PO, mentorship, spirituality, my Carswell connections, the ability to pay my restitution and pay as much forward as I can, personal growth, a home, a car, memories, and so, so, so much more... I don't need a day of Thanksgiving to remind to be grateful or Thankful. Everytime I make a choice/decision differently than I would have during my addiction years, I thank my Sponsor, counselor, and every friend who helped me through my early years - because I am able to make healthier decisions today - I am a better person today. I am not a perfect person - far from it - but a better person.

Anyway, so I spend tomorrow alone and I work on a paper and there's no better way for someone who was in prison a year ago to spend Thanksgiving this year! It's doing what I want to do and what I need to do. I have four papers to write - one is due Friday (small paper), two next week, and one the following. So, I have a lot of work to do. I'm perfectly happy and will enjoy the holiday - much moreso than last year and way more than all my years at movie theaters and casinos. I'm totally at peace.