So, how many days left in prison do I have? After spending hours in the clinic, nearly stalking the woman who hadn't uploaded my exit summary yet, I caught her in the hall, plead my case, and she said somewhat regretfully, "I'll get it done by the end of the day." Later, I headed to my case manager's office and she checked, no exit summary at 2pm. I said I'd check again at 3. Amazingly, she said, "okay," even though she doesn't offer open house hours today. She would be leaving by 4pm.
I woke at 3:35pm. Damn! I don't even remember falling asleep, wasn't I working on a People Magazine crossword? My entire room was asleep - late day nap, I suppose. I jumped into my shoes, didn't even put on my button down uniform shirt over my t-shirt, took the steps down (okay, I'm a Datsun in a Porshe world when it comes to getting down stairs... one leg, one leg, next step, one leg, next leg, next step... takes forever). I walk the hall to my case manager's office. She is still there. She prompts me to come in, and she says, "it just got uploaded." After months, starting in December, asking for this document, it is there, in my file, saying that I am approved and medically appropriate for home confinement. My knees hurt from jumping through so many hoops, but there it is.
My case manager is wrapping everything up for the day to go home. She tells me that Monday morning, she will do the papers (takes about 6 minutes of her time) and have me sign the forms (2 signatures are needed from me). Then it will be mailed off to my region. I believe I am going home in... 65 days and a wake-up...
Saturday, March 22, 2014
From Dragonfly: The Six Keys to Happiness
We did not learn the six keys last night. I suppose that's why there are six weeks, 12 hours in total, to the course. We did learn some of the underlying principles - mostly based on Tony Robins and, also, "The Secret." We watched the film to "The Secret" last night. It's principles were easy for me to accept - they are closely related to my 12 step program. I'm not sure it's such a "secret." There is something to it, all. I do believe we need to choose to think positive and positive things happen.
Imagine over 350 inmates who signed up for this class. We were filtered into the multipurpose room, with metal chairs lined up in rows. The facilitator is our outdoor rec officer, who has a lot of passion as a facilitator. I think she was actually trying to be Tony Robins. Quite a site in a prison. She starts things out making us all stand and try and get into the groove with her. Okay, I'll move my arms, no prob. Then she says that she needs to bring some people up to the front of the room... she chooses a young boi two rows in front of me, a woman with a cane, a few other random women, and me. Really?? She then says that she chose us specifically because she thinks we are "shy," and we need to get over that if we are going to go out and be able to get a job. The room is filled with several women who know me, people I tutored with, students, friends, etc. They all know I AM NOT SHY! How I put off the "shy" factor was weird. So, she makes us do this crazy leg thing to the music, making fools of ourselves, get us out of our comfort zones. I watch the woman with a cane try to move. Was it really appropriate to do something physical with someone who can barely walk? People are laughing and yelling at us. We have to dance sillier, now, I'm sure my cheeks are bright red. I keep saying to myself, "like I'm shy..." Once done, everyone is clapping for us and I head back to my chair, next to Lola. I say, "I have facilitated groups bigger than this one, been a public speaker for years, and I'm the one she selects as shy?" Okay, I really didn't want to get up there, maybe that makes me shy.
We then watched the movie and then, as we exited, we were each given a paper key with a quote. The quotes were different for everyone. I received one about "believing." See, we can ask the universe all we want for the things we want. We can even visualize having whatever that is (money, love, kids, etc.) However, we also need to believe we can have these things. I felt it so appropriate that I was given that quote, because that is my struggle - Believing I DESERVE these things. I still fight my demons of my past, sometimes, but am getting so much better. For example, I need to say that I am going to get back into my school, I have to visualize myself walking across that stage obtaining my PhD, and I have to believe that I deserve it. I can do this. I believe.
Imagine over 350 inmates who signed up for this class. We were filtered into the multipurpose room, with metal chairs lined up in rows. The facilitator is our outdoor rec officer, who has a lot of passion as a facilitator. I think she was actually trying to be Tony Robins. Quite a site in a prison. She starts things out making us all stand and try and get into the groove with her. Okay, I'll move my arms, no prob. Then she says that she needs to bring some people up to the front of the room... she chooses a young boi two rows in front of me, a woman with a cane, a few other random women, and me. Really?? She then says that she chose us specifically because she thinks we are "shy," and we need to get over that if we are going to go out and be able to get a job. The room is filled with several women who know me, people I tutored with, students, friends, etc. They all know I AM NOT SHY! How I put off the "shy" factor was weird. So, she makes us do this crazy leg thing to the music, making fools of ourselves, get us out of our comfort zones. I watch the woman with a cane try to move. Was it really appropriate to do something physical with someone who can barely walk? People are laughing and yelling at us. We have to dance sillier, now, I'm sure my cheeks are bright red. I keep saying to myself, "like I'm shy..." Once done, everyone is clapping for us and I head back to my chair, next to Lola. I say, "I have facilitated groups bigger than this one, been a public speaker for years, and I'm the one she selects as shy?" Okay, I really didn't want to get up there, maybe that makes me shy.
We then watched the movie and then, as we exited, we were each given a paper key with a quote. The quotes were different for everyone. I received one about "believing." See, we can ask the universe all we want for the things we want. We can even visualize having whatever that is (money, love, kids, etc.) However, we also need to believe we can have these things. I felt it so appropriate that I was given that quote, because that is my struggle - Believing I DESERVE these things. I still fight my demons of my past, sometimes, but am getting so much better. For example, I need to say that I am going to get back into my school, I have to visualize myself walking across that stage obtaining my PhD, and I have to believe that I deserve it. I can do this. I believe.
From Dragonfly: Support for my Time on Home Confinement
A <slightly edited> draft of the letter I had to write to get myself approved for home confinement:
As requested, this letter is my typed statement of the ability for me to obtain medical insurance/support during the duration of my home confinement. Upon release, I will immediately go to the Affordable Healthcare Act website and sign-up for an inexpensive policy for healthcare coverage. I have been informed that the lowest cost policy is $9/month. Having this coverage, will make me eligible for Enbrel Support, which helps low-income individuals pay no more than $10/month for their Enbrel medication.
At the same time as completing this application for insurance, I will begin the process for medicaid coverage. My home state is an approved ACA medicaid extension state. With my income level, it is highly likely that I will qualify for medicaid and the coverage will be much more comprehensive. As a medicaid expansion state, my state will be able to provide assistance to ex-felons released from state or federal prisons. States have been encouraged to help ex-felons sign up for medicaid and approve them so that continuity of care can be achieved. If my Enbrel cannot be supported by medicaid, Enbrel support has stated that they will work with me to find other financial support for the medication.
All this information has been verified by myself and social work through the computer and phone calls.
--------------
<end letter>
I know that there is a lot of positive and negative talk about Obamacare in the nation, but I for one am a fan. If it were not for this affordable health insurance, I, along with countless others, would be forced to remain in prison due to our medical and/or medication needs. For a woman I know, who has an insulin pump, she will be receiving 6 months of home confinement due to the availability of support under the ACA. She's a good woman and I'm glad she will be given that opportunity to be home with her son. I realize the legislation and options are not perfect. They, likely, never will be. I don't plan on needing to be on federal/state assistance for long. I'm a worker bee, and I will find work and, hopefully, decent insurance. In the mean time, though, this safety net will make it possible for me to continue my care once I am home. Thank god for that and one less worry for my family to have regarding my transition back to the real world.
As requested, this letter is my typed statement of the ability for me to obtain medical insurance/support during the duration of my home confinement. Upon release, I will immediately go to the Affordable Healthcare Act website and sign-up for an inexpensive policy for healthcare coverage. I have been informed that the lowest cost policy is $9/month. Having this coverage, will make me eligible for Enbrel Support, which helps low-income individuals pay no more than $10/month for their Enbrel medication.
At the same time as completing this application for insurance, I will begin the process for medicaid coverage. My home state is an approved ACA medicaid extension state. With my income level, it is highly likely that I will qualify for medicaid and the coverage will be much more comprehensive. As a medicaid expansion state, my state will be able to provide assistance to ex-felons released from state or federal prisons. States have been encouraged to help ex-felons sign up for medicaid and approve them so that continuity of care can be achieved. If my Enbrel cannot be supported by medicaid, Enbrel support has stated that they will work with me to find other financial support for the medication.
All this information has been verified by myself and social work through the computer and phone calls.
--------------
<end letter>
I know that there is a lot of positive and negative talk about Obamacare in the nation, but I for one am a fan. If it were not for this affordable health insurance, I, along with countless others, would be forced to remain in prison due to our medical and/or medication needs. For a woman I know, who has an insulin pump, she will be receiving 6 months of home confinement due to the availability of support under the ACA. She's a good woman and I'm glad she will be given that opportunity to be home with her son. I realize the legislation and options are not perfect. They, likely, never will be. I don't plan on needing to be on federal/state assistance for long. I'm a worker bee, and I will find work and, hopefully, decent insurance. In the mean time, though, this safety net will make it possible for me to continue my care once I am home. Thank god for that and one less worry for my family to have regarding my transition back to the real world.
From Dragonfly: Snapped
I guess you could say that one of my defects came out this morning. I watched the person who was bullying me get into a fight - a good old fashion fight with scratches and punches and a lot of screaming. An officer saw the incident and immediately got the two brought to the office. We were all sure of the result, these two were going to the SHU. That's what happens when you fight, if a punch is thrown, both people go to the SHU - even the victim.
Well, no one went to the SHU. The "victim" of this situation certainly did not want to go to the SHU and the two individuals have a long history as roommates. So, they both said, "nothing happened." Although an officer was witness, the insistence that nothing happened resulted in no one going anywhere and the two of them remaining roommates, for the time being.
So, what was my "defect?" I was gloating after the fight. I had been questioning why I'd quit the job I loved. I've had many, many students come up to me, upset with my decision. I'm helping several outside of school - one with writing, a couple with math, etc. I love teaching, have two months left, and started to question whether I'd over reacted.
However, the fight this morning was assurance that I had, in fact, done the right thing. The number of times this individual stood over me, pointing at me, bullying me, had me knowing that had I done anything other than walk away, she would have been just moments from snapping at me. I had blamed myself for just "taking it" and not saying something back, but this morning showed me how close I really was to being on the wrong side of this woman's fist. I am not a fighter, it would have been a one-way fight. So, all those times I just walked away, that was the right thing to do. I thank God for the advice my gambling counselor gave me when we worked on what I should do when someone is acting crazy at me, "walk away" was her advice. Yep, best advice. It stopped the incidents, I didn't cower, and I didn't get angry back.
I need not gloat. The woman is still at the job I love and I pray is doing a great job with the students. I am the one who is in my unit during the day, trying to fill up my time productively. I did what I had to do for myself, but it's not something I would have ever wanted to do. I know, though, that I did the right thing, even if it was the hard thing, because I have no doubt that by today, it would have been me, it would have been me... she was that close to snapping and it would have been me.
Well, no one went to the SHU. The "victim" of this situation certainly did not want to go to the SHU and the two individuals have a long history as roommates. So, they both said, "nothing happened." Although an officer was witness, the insistence that nothing happened resulted in no one going anywhere and the two of them remaining roommates, for the time being.
So, what was my "defect?" I was gloating after the fight. I had been questioning why I'd quit the job I loved. I've had many, many students come up to me, upset with my decision. I'm helping several outside of school - one with writing, a couple with math, etc. I love teaching, have two months left, and started to question whether I'd over reacted.
However, the fight this morning was assurance that I had, in fact, done the right thing. The number of times this individual stood over me, pointing at me, bullying me, had me knowing that had I done anything other than walk away, she would have been just moments from snapping at me. I had blamed myself for just "taking it" and not saying something back, but this morning showed me how close I really was to being on the wrong side of this woman's fist. I am not a fighter, it would have been a one-way fight. So, all those times I just walked away, that was the right thing to do. I thank God for the advice my gambling counselor gave me when we worked on what I should do when someone is acting crazy at me, "walk away" was her advice. Yep, best advice. It stopped the incidents, I didn't cower, and I didn't get angry back.
I need not gloat. The woman is still at the job I love and I pray is doing a great job with the students. I am the one who is in my unit during the day, trying to fill up my time productively. I did what I had to do for myself, but it's not something I would have ever wanted to do. I know, though, that I did the right thing, even if it was the hard thing, because I have no doubt that by today, it would have been me, it would have been me... she was that close to snapping and it would have been me.
From Dragonfly: A New Day
There's a quote that says something like, "I am a writer, because I write." I had always wanted to be a writer, but never realized that I already was one. I've kept journals/diaries off and on for years. I've thought up stories in my head numerous times. I've, also, always figured that someday I would write a book. I never knew if it would be fiction or non-fiction, just that I wanted to write. My most creative time writing are those sleepless nights. Last night, another night where I woke at 1pm and could not fall back asleep, I wrote. First, I wrote in my head, thoughts of many things going through it. Then, it came to me that I should grab one of the free psychology journals I have out of my locker and start writing it all down. I wrote and then I wrote, edited a little, and wrote some more. In the end, I wrote 9 pages. I couldn't stop until they were all written down and I felt good about it. I suppose I am a writer, because I write.
This evening I start a new class I signed up for called "6 keys to happiness" being taught through the recreation department. It advertises, "turn frustration into fascination." I figured, sounds interesting, mind as well sign-up. It is a popular workshop and was filled up weeks ago. It is one night per week, for two hours, for the next 6 weeks. We were told to come with one goal and three personal changes we'd like to work on. Here is what I've decided on:
Goal: To finish up my PhD (lots of mini-goals needed to get to that goal)
Change 1: Keep in contact through letters better with everyone who is writing me
Change 2: Eat less cookies
Change 3: Meditate and find some calmness every day
There are other ideas I had for my goals and changes. In fact, I'm never short on long-term or short-term goals (as you've probably noticed). So, by tonight, these may be tweaked a bit, but whatever I finally choose, I'm sure it will be okay. As we say in my program, it's all about progress not perfection. So, I dare not say, "eat no cookies," but eating less cookies may result in that. I do not want my change to be something I would give up on with a few days. These are things I need to achieve through knowing full well that I have a higher power and am helped toward the path I am supposed to take, not just the one I desire. We always need to stay flexible enough to see all the possibilities, and to know that it's okay to falter now and then.
I have a lot of hopes for today. The biggest is that I pray my exit summary will, in fact, be completed before 2pm. If it is or it is not, is out of my control. I know that what happens will be okay. I am okay. Today is a new day.
This evening I start a new class I signed up for called "6 keys to happiness" being taught through the recreation department. It advertises, "turn frustration into fascination." I figured, sounds interesting, mind as well sign-up. It is a popular workshop and was filled up weeks ago. It is one night per week, for two hours, for the next 6 weeks. We were told to come with one goal and three personal changes we'd like to work on. Here is what I've decided on:
Goal: To finish up my PhD (lots of mini-goals needed to get to that goal)
Change 1: Keep in contact through letters better with everyone who is writing me
Change 2: Eat less cookies
Change 3: Meditate and find some calmness every day
There are other ideas I had for my goals and changes. In fact, I'm never short on long-term or short-term goals (as you've probably noticed). So, by tonight, these may be tweaked a bit, but whatever I finally choose, I'm sure it will be okay. As we say in my program, it's all about progress not perfection. So, I dare not say, "eat no cookies," but eating less cookies may result in that. I do not want my change to be something I would give up on with a few days. These are things I need to achieve through knowing full well that I have a higher power and am helped toward the path I am supposed to take, not just the one I desire. We always need to stay flexible enough to see all the possibilities, and to know that it's okay to falter now and then.
I have a lot of hopes for today. The biggest is that I pray my exit summary will, in fact, be completed before 2pm. If it is or it is not, is out of my control. I know that what happens will be okay. I am okay. Today is a new day.
From Dragonfly: Just Three More Hoops, I Hope
My plan to obtain insurance was accepted by social work and she sent the plan, along with her "verification" message to all the appropriate parties. I tried to talk with the woman responsible for finishing my exit paperwork, but she was not in her office, so that is hoop #1 tomorrow - to get her to officially complete the exit summary and upload it to my computerized file.
Tomorrow's hoop #2, will be to see my case worker, for the forth time this week, at 2pm tomorrow. If the exit paperwork is in the system, she will complete the paperwork necessary to send to my region for processing. Once that is mailed, it's a waiting period of up to 60 days to hear back.
That's hoop #3, region "accepting" the plan and approving me to go to home confinement in May. They could still decline me due to my health condition or if they don't believe my resources will allow me to be taken care of financially/medically. I pray that the research we did in the last 24 hours will help them feel okay about the plan. Even someone I know, recently went to the ACA website for health care and were qualified for a $400/month policy for only $65/month based on family income. Even if that were my monthly fee, that's affordable - exactly what the affordable healthcare act was meant to happen - help those who are unable to afford health care coverage, to receive it at an affordable rate.
So, if this paperwork is sent off this week, there is a chance that I will be able to go home on my home confinement date of May 28th. There's no possibility of it being sooner, as there is simply not enough time and there are procedures on how much home confinement someone can receive. If I'm okayed, but it takes too long for the process, I could be going home in June. Of course, there's the absolute end date of July 2nd if all else fails. I have a lot of hope for the 28th, though. That's just over 2 months and something for me to really look forward to - an out date that will put me home just after my parents' anniversaries (both sets of parents have the same anniversary - long story) and I will be able to start my process of getting back on my feet that much earlier. I can't wait to start my future - one day at a time.
So, there are LOTS of us facing this same number of hoops in order to be released from here as a care level 3. I have had soooo many people come up to me and ask about my process so that they know the next step for themselves. Due to my experience, I watched one woman jump about three of the initial hoops just today - she went to social work, she talked with the person responsible for the paperwork and she went to team to get the official paperwork request. All these things could take weeks/months if you don't know the process.
Therefore, I decided to sit down and write the full process of trying to be eligible for community programs (halfway house/home confinement) for people who are a Care Level 3 at Carswell. I wrote, and wrote, and wrote - 6 pages worth of steps and information for everyone to consider. They can now look at it and start their process 17-19 months out, or if they are here shorter, the day they arrive. It's a guide to all of this and it took me only an hour to write it all out. I showed it to Appeal, because she, too, receives a lot of questions from folks. She read through it, loved it, and offered to type it up for me so we can make copies. That's awesome. I'll share what I wrote here, once I get it back from her. It lays out everything, including all the ways we can have to max out, if we are not approved at each hurdle. I hope that the information I am providing to folks will get more women out of here earlier, and closer to their spouses, children, grandchildren, and their life after incarceration. Perhaps, long after I am gone, that document will still exist and women for a long time will not have to learn the process as they go, like I did, but will be given the tools to advocate for themselves from day 1.
Tomorrow's hoop #2, will be to see my case worker, for the forth time this week, at 2pm tomorrow. If the exit paperwork is in the system, she will complete the paperwork necessary to send to my region for processing. Once that is mailed, it's a waiting period of up to 60 days to hear back.
That's hoop #3, region "accepting" the plan and approving me to go to home confinement in May. They could still decline me due to my health condition or if they don't believe my resources will allow me to be taken care of financially/medically. I pray that the research we did in the last 24 hours will help them feel okay about the plan. Even someone I know, recently went to the ACA website for health care and were qualified for a $400/month policy for only $65/month based on family income. Even if that were my monthly fee, that's affordable - exactly what the affordable healthcare act was meant to happen - help those who are unable to afford health care coverage, to receive it at an affordable rate.
So, if this paperwork is sent off this week, there is a chance that I will be able to go home on my home confinement date of May 28th. There's no possibility of it being sooner, as there is simply not enough time and there are procedures on how much home confinement someone can receive. If I'm okayed, but it takes too long for the process, I could be going home in June. Of course, there's the absolute end date of July 2nd if all else fails. I have a lot of hope for the 28th, though. That's just over 2 months and something for me to really look forward to - an out date that will put me home just after my parents' anniversaries (both sets of parents have the same anniversary - long story) and I will be able to start my process of getting back on my feet that much earlier. I can't wait to start my future - one day at a time.
So, there are LOTS of us facing this same number of hoops in order to be released from here as a care level 3. I have had soooo many people come up to me and ask about my process so that they know the next step for themselves. Due to my experience, I watched one woman jump about three of the initial hoops just today - she went to social work, she talked with the person responsible for the paperwork and she went to team to get the official paperwork request. All these things could take weeks/months if you don't know the process.
Therefore, I decided to sit down and write the full process of trying to be eligible for community programs (halfway house/home confinement) for people who are a Care Level 3 at Carswell. I wrote, and wrote, and wrote - 6 pages worth of steps and information for everyone to consider. They can now look at it and start their process 17-19 months out, or if they are here shorter, the day they arrive. It's a guide to all of this and it took me only an hour to write it all out. I showed it to Appeal, because she, too, receives a lot of questions from folks. She read through it, loved it, and offered to type it up for me so we can make copies. That's awesome. I'll share what I wrote here, once I get it back from her. It lays out everything, including all the ways we can have to max out, if we are not approved at each hurdle. I hope that the information I am providing to folks will get more women out of here earlier, and closer to their spouses, children, grandchildren, and their life after incarceration. Perhaps, long after I am gone, that document will still exist and women for a long time will not have to learn the process as they go, like I did, but will be given the tools to advocate for themselves from day 1.
From Dragonfly: The Hoops Just Keep Getting Higher
So... A morning of new news. I have officially been DENIED for the camp. I will not be going to the camp. Not even my case worker (the one who swears I'll be at the camp any day...) knows. The reason is due to my medication regiment. So, no matter what, I am in the medical facility's high security environment for the rest of my incarceration. Sure, I could appeal this decision, but the time that would take would go beyond my time left. I have one big recommendation for anyone about to face sentencing... If you have a health condition, unless it is to the point that you would be unable to survive, do NOT include any information on it in your PSR or as a supposed "mitigating factor" in your briefs to the court. I can tell you that men have a better option - they can go to a medical camp. Women, however, will end up at Carswell. They will be "minimum-in" to start, even though they would be "minimum-out" otherwise. Even as self-surrenders, they will be handcuffed/shackled on med trips until such time (at least 6 months in) that their status is changes to "minimum-out." If you can even just start at a camp, you will be "minimum-out" for the duration of your incarceration, even if they have to transfer you to Carswell in the future. If you are able to be off injections, blood thinners, other medications deemed to put you at a medical care level 3 or 4, even for a while, you can start at a camp and maintain that status. You still get medical treatment at the camps, in fact, sometimes the medical treatment is better than what is available here. Plus, you can always get transferred here, if you health status changes and you need medication, a surgery, or anything like that. I can't tell you whether you should or should not hide your medical issues, but I can tell you that all the lawyers who are saying that our medical conditions will HELP us with sentencing, are wrong and they have NO IDEA what it actually means for those of us minimum security women. I can't say enough about this and will likely write more in the future.
In other news, another hoop to get through at social work. We found the paperwork necessary to prove my ability to get health care coverage under the new Affordable Healthcare Act. In fact, ex-felons are guaranteed healthcare coverage, but I was told that I had to type up all the new information and bring it back to the woman who actually found me the information. She knows that access to type things up is very difficult, but I am using the email system, paying 5 cents per minute, to do so and bringing it back to her this afternoon. I can't understand why I would have to type up what SHE told ME, but it's another hoop and my sneakers are tied tight and I'm limber enough right now to reach it, I pray. More later.
In other news, another hoop to get through at social work. We found the paperwork necessary to prove my ability to get health care coverage under the new Affordable Healthcare Act. In fact, ex-felons are guaranteed healthcare coverage, but I was told that I had to type up all the new information and bring it back to the woman who actually found me the information. She knows that access to type things up is very difficult, but I am using the email system, paying 5 cents per minute, to do so and bringing it back to her this afternoon. I can't understand why I would have to type up what SHE told ME, but it's another hoop and my sneakers are tied tight and I'm limber enough right now to reach it, I pray. More later.
From Dragonfly: Spring is in the Air
Okay, for you folks up north, I know that you are facing snow flurries (still) and the highest your weather has been in a long time is in the 40's with a huge windchill, but down here in Texas, most our days start out cold, but become beautiful by afternoon. Yesterday, I think we were in the high 70's, today will be the 60's, and tomorrow, back into the 70's. Some of the trees on the compound are starting to bloom, and the yard is becoming pretty again (although we still have a lot of brown grass for the time being).
I guess our old Warden didn't want the compound to be pretty, but our newish Warden did. To some, it almost looks like a small college campus - trees, plants, flowers, grassy fields, and nice flower gardens. We have landscape crews (made up of inmates) who work hard on beautifying the compound through planting interesting things, ensuring the health of the existing plants/trees, maintaining the lawn, and more. In fact, Carswell just started two different apprenticeships regarding landscape architecture and horticulture. Once certified, the inmates in the program will be able to practice the craft on the outside of prison as well.
I can't say that I ever feel as if I'm on a college campus here. The buildings are not too nice and it would maybe be the size of a tiny campus or community college. I think it's the attitude of most the people here that make the idea of college being so difficult to imagine - more like a junior high, as I've said before. But, this would be a very large campus for a junior high school!
Anyway, it's nice getting to enjoy a little warmer weather, sunshine, and seeing trees literally bloom overnight. As the landscaping crews add new plants to the main building entryway, the place is moving into Spring with bright colors and interesting character. I, for one, appreciate the work going into the grounds, here. It make it just a little bit more serene for those of us who notice.
I guess our old Warden didn't want the compound to be pretty, but our newish Warden did. To some, it almost looks like a small college campus - trees, plants, flowers, grassy fields, and nice flower gardens. We have landscape crews (made up of inmates) who work hard on beautifying the compound through planting interesting things, ensuring the health of the existing plants/trees, maintaining the lawn, and more. In fact, Carswell just started two different apprenticeships regarding landscape architecture and horticulture. Once certified, the inmates in the program will be able to practice the craft on the outside of prison as well.
I can't say that I ever feel as if I'm on a college campus here. The buildings are not too nice and it would maybe be the size of a tiny campus or community college. I think it's the attitude of most the people here that make the idea of college being so difficult to imagine - more like a junior high, as I've said before. But, this would be a very large campus for a junior high school!
Anyway, it's nice getting to enjoy a little warmer weather, sunshine, and seeing trees literally bloom overnight. As the landscaping crews add new plants to the main building entryway, the place is moving into Spring with bright colors and interesting character. I, for one, appreciate the work going into the grounds, here. It make it just a little bit more serene for those of us who notice.
From Dragonfly: Getting Myself Out of Here
It is truly a full time job to try to get yourself OUT of prison. As you know, I've been struggling with getting them to complete my exit paperwork. Yesterday, I went to my case worker and my unit manager, during their office hours, in order to get assistance. My case worker's hands are tied now, she's done everything on her part. My unit manager was busy and didn't come to his office hours, so I filled out a cop-out and brought it directly to him this morning. I saw him reading it.
Then, at lunch, I walked up to the woman responsible for my exit summary in main line at the dining hall. She has talked to me several times, but still didn't know who I am. When I told her, again, what is happening, she said that she received a list of people from my doctor yesterday and should have the official declaration for me - which means, she can do my paperwork. So, she told me to come to her office after lunch. I beat her there and waited patiently for her return.
Once in her office, she read off a piece of paper the simple words, "home confinement." That means that due to my medical condition, I am not recommended for halfway house, but I can do home confinement. Perfect - I could be out of here in May. So, I said, "okay, can the paperwork be completed now?" She turned to me and asked, "well, do you have proof of health insurance?" Ummm, I'm a prisoner and have no job... answer: NO.
She said that I have to prove I'll have some health insurance, or they can't recommend me for home confinement. Really??? I can't apply for Obama care until I am home and I am not on disability or anything like that. I'd been covered by my school graduate assistantship, and I'm going to do my best to get back in, but in the meantime, I was going to go on the county health plan. She said I had to go to Social Work and have them send her an email saying that I have the medical coverage to go to home confinement.
Across the hall from the clinic, is psychology/social work. I walked in there and was told to go knock on someone's door, but there was no answer. So, I sat in the lobby. Lucky for me, Curls and Nurse were also in the lobby, so we sat and talked - and mostly laughed as Nurse told us about her crazy night from yesterday. After about 45 minutes, the social worker came out and had me go to her office. I explained the situation and she did not seem so happy to help me out, but she did call the county health plan to verify I could get on it. Well, wouldn't you know, the health plan ends in April. Really?!?!? But the reason is that the state is a Medicaid expansion state under the Affordable Care Act (this is something I am not too familiar with, but is making me like the ACA just a little bit more). What it means, is that people who are low income can qualify for Medicaid, even without a disability. I should qualify, as my income is currently $0. Wow, weird to write that! I plan to find a job and get back in school asap, so this would be a short term solution, but knowing that I should qualify, is certainly good news. However, wouldn't you know it, the social worker refused to actually do the search to prove that my state is an expansion state (even though the county health plan worker told her so on the phone) and shooed me out of her office, telling me that I had to get printed proof of the state being under the ACA and what it covers. Really!?!? It's not like I have access to the internet to do this search, and anyone will tell you that I'm the technology person among my friends/family.
Next stop, back to my case worker. She likes me and knows how hard I'm trying to get things done. Good thing, too, because she did the internet search for me and printed out an article saying that my state is going to be under the ACA expanded medicaid coverage and how I will qualify (I hope). So, tomorrow afternoon, I will be back at the office of the social worker, documents in hand, praying it's enough. All the medical lady needs is an email saying that I'm going to be okay for home confinement and then she will complete my exit summary papers. My prayer is that my case worker can mail off my papers to my region by the end of the week.
It truly is a full time job - as these meetings happen at all hours of the day. I never knew I'd have to jump through so many hoops and that it would be up to ME to make all this happen. Many inmates believe the prison will just do the paperwork and we will be in our halfway house or at home on the right dates. I'm living proof that it's not true. WE have to jump through a lot of hoops - good thing I have a good pair of sneakers, and am prepared to JUMP when I must!
Then, at lunch, I walked up to the woman responsible for my exit summary in main line at the dining hall. She has talked to me several times, but still didn't know who I am. When I told her, again, what is happening, she said that she received a list of people from my doctor yesterday and should have the official declaration for me - which means, she can do my paperwork. So, she told me to come to her office after lunch. I beat her there and waited patiently for her return.
Once in her office, she read off a piece of paper the simple words, "home confinement." That means that due to my medical condition, I am not recommended for halfway house, but I can do home confinement. Perfect - I could be out of here in May. So, I said, "okay, can the paperwork be completed now?" She turned to me and asked, "well, do you have proof of health insurance?" Ummm, I'm a prisoner and have no job... answer: NO.
She said that I have to prove I'll have some health insurance, or they can't recommend me for home confinement. Really??? I can't apply for Obama care until I am home and I am not on disability or anything like that. I'd been covered by my school graduate assistantship, and I'm going to do my best to get back in, but in the meantime, I was going to go on the county health plan. She said I had to go to Social Work and have them send her an email saying that I have the medical coverage to go to home confinement.
Across the hall from the clinic, is psychology/social work. I walked in there and was told to go knock on someone's door, but there was no answer. So, I sat in the lobby. Lucky for me, Curls and Nurse were also in the lobby, so we sat and talked - and mostly laughed as Nurse told us about her crazy night from yesterday. After about 45 minutes, the social worker came out and had me go to her office. I explained the situation and she did not seem so happy to help me out, but she did call the county health plan to verify I could get on it. Well, wouldn't you know, the health plan ends in April. Really?!?!? But the reason is that the state is a Medicaid expansion state under the Affordable Care Act (this is something I am not too familiar with, but is making me like the ACA just a little bit more). What it means, is that people who are low income can qualify for Medicaid, even without a disability. I should qualify, as my income is currently $0. Wow, weird to write that! I plan to find a job and get back in school asap, so this would be a short term solution, but knowing that I should qualify, is certainly good news. However, wouldn't you know it, the social worker refused to actually do the search to prove that my state is an expansion state (even though the county health plan worker told her so on the phone) and shooed me out of her office, telling me that I had to get printed proof of the state being under the ACA and what it covers. Really!?!? It's not like I have access to the internet to do this search, and anyone will tell you that I'm the technology person among my friends/family.
Next stop, back to my case worker. She likes me and knows how hard I'm trying to get things done. Good thing, too, because she did the internet search for me and printed out an article saying that my state is going to be under the ACA expanded medicaid coverage and how I will qualify (I hope). So, tomorrow afternoon, I will be back at the office of the social worker, documents in hand, praying it's enough. All the medical lady needs is an email saying that I'm going to be okay for home confinement and then she will complete my exit summary papers. My prayer is that my case worker can mail off my papers to my region by the end of the week.
It truly is a full time job - as these meetings happen at all hours of the day. I never knew I'd have to jump through so many hoops and that it would be up to ME to make all this happen. Many inmates believe the prison will just do the paperwork and we will be in our halfway house or at home on the right dates. I'm living proof that it's not true. WE have to jump through a lot of hoops - good thing I have a good pair of sneakers, and am prepared to JUMP when I must!
Getting Out of Prison...If you are a Care Level 3 at Carswell:
On March 22, 2014 I wrote that I would share the 6 handwritten pages that I wrote about the process of getting out of prison one you are above a Care Level 2 in federal prison. I am posting it later and through the magic of "blogger" I am able to have this post as of 3/23/2014. However, I am actually typing this up from the comfort of the lanai at my mother and step-father's home in Southern Florida, where they moved in late 2015.
1. 17-19 months prior to your exit date, your case worker should start the process for halfway house/ home confinement.
4. If you are only qualified for home confinement, the prison requires you to be able to prove you have health insurance prior to approval.
7. Even with health insurance, sometimes the out-of-pocket expense for our medications can be quite high. Please have someone go to the medication website and look up "financial support" options for people who have low income. Often the manufacturers have assistance, secondary to your insurance, and ensure you will have a low/no copay.
1. 17-19 months prior to your exit date, your case worker should start the process for halfway house/ home confinement.
- If you arrive with under 17 months of incarceration remaining, this process should begin at your first team meeting (30 days maximum after arrival.
2. If you are needing a case transfer from the district you were sentenced within to a different district in which you actually will be going to or live in within the U.S., this process should start as soon as possible. Your case worker will need to do a little leg work to find the appropriate office in the state of transfer, and will submit paperwork on your behalf. You will need to sign these documents before they are sent.
- In order to transfer your case, the best case scenario has you having a home address you plan to live at once released (even if going through halfway house first. A probation officer in the new district will visit the new address within 45 days of receiving the paperwork, will interview people living there, and will approve the new home. They will then send a letter to your case worker saying the transfer is complete.
- If you do not have an address yet, you can still try for the transfer based on the halfway house you will be going to, but there may be additional hoops you will have to jump through.
- As of my time in prison, there was only one person who could do this, and her last name was a favorite day of the week. Only she could complete the paperwork and she started in her position in January, 2014. She, also, has several steps to her process - the most important being a request to your assigned doctor to write a simple declaration stating what community confinement programs you are "Medically Appropriate" for. You must be medically cleared for this process to occur.
- As a medical level 3, the doctor can recommend halfway house, home confinement, both options, or neither. Medically, some people are forced to MAX out their time.
- If you are approved for halfway house, it is UP to your team to decide how much time to request. Some people are recommended for one month, some up to 12.
- If you qualify for the second chance act to receive up to one year halfway house (drug/alcohol treatment during prison, etc.), that process should begin at the 17-19 months prior to your exit date, if at all possible.
- If you are approved only for home confinement, you must do some more work on your own to get your exit summary approved.
- You will need to to to Social Work in the psychology offices.
- Working with the social worker, you will need to show that you are financially capable of supporting yourself (or you have someone at home who is going to help support you until you can get back on your feet) and your healthcare needs can be taken care of financially while on home confinement:
- Early in your incarceration, is possible, have a spouse/partner/parent send in a NOTARIZED letter saying that they agree to help you financially and medically upon release sent to your case worker. Have a copy of the letter sent to you so that you have the copy in your personal records (just in case).
- Even if you cannot get such a letter, you can also show proof of employment, your financial plan, or proof that you qualify for government financial assistance (i.e. social security, disability, etc.). You have to have someone do this work for you on the outside or you have to do this work for yourself BEFORE you turn yourself in, because NO ONE can do it for you and you can't do it for yourself once you are on the inside. There's no way to find the answers and no access to the internet.
- In order to show proof of health insurance, you have several options - THIS IS REALLY IMPORTANT:
- obtain a copy of your current insurance card with a phone number so the social worker can verify you are covered and/or will be covered upon release
- show proof of medicaid/medicare from the past and some proof that you will requalify. Provide a phone number to the local office if possible. Important to note that you are NOT QUALIFIED while incarcerated, so your benefits are cut-off while you are/were in prison.
- If your state is an "extended medicaid" state un the Affordable Healthcare Act (i.e. Obamacare - like the law or not, it brought a lot of healthcare rights to ex-prisoners), bring in proof that your state approved the extension, what it covers, and the application process. If you did not do this research before going in, have someone look it up for you and send it in to you asap.
- Some states allow you to apply while still in prison, some will not. For me, I had to apply after I was released, but was approved immediately for medicaid and paid $0/mth. I was asked to reach out to the Social Workers at FMC Carswell and tell them about my experience so they felt more comfortable about having people use Obamacare if in an extended medicaid state and they actually wrote me back and thanked me for letting them know my experience.
- Have a family member go to the Affordable Care Act (ACA) website and find what other health care plans may be available to you due to low/no income. Under the ACA, a plan can start at as little as $9/month.
- Once the social worker feels you have health insurance and support and/or are likely under the ACA to obtain medicaid, they will send an email to Medical Services to say they have verified everything. At that time, Medical Services can complete your exit summary.
7. Even with health insurance, sometimes the out-of-pocket expense for our medications can be quite high. Please have someone go to the medication website and look up "financial support" options for people who have low income. Often the manufacturers have assistance, secondary to your insurance, and ensure you will have a low/no copay.
- For me, this was one of my requirements, I had to show that I would still qualify for the Enbrel financial support card that ensured my co-pay was never more than $5 whenever I was not on medicaid. Medicaid paid 100% so it was not an issue during that time.
Friday, March 21, 2014
Happy :-)
Letter to Survivor 3-21-2014
Survivor [HAPPY STICKER],
I put “happy” because I am. I wonder if you can feel my smile all the way there, it’s warm enough to even melt your snow. My exit summary is complete and my papers are being mailed to my region on Monday to request my home confinement. May 28th, 65 days and a wake-up….I can do that!
It’ll be the perfect time of year. I may be having to stay indoors during home confinement, depending on my probation requirements, but it will be nice weather and my windows can let in fresh air! Hope will be ready to be ridden. With all the students heading home earlier in May, some jobs may be available as well. My future starts in May J
I miss you sooo much. It’s been 7 months since you dropped me off in the parking lot. My emotions were on hold, as I walked to the truck to begin the 5-minute ride across base to the prison. Shock was all I felt for days. I want to help ensure less of us ever have to go through this experience. Prison is not the answer for non-violent addicts. I need to help build the alternative, be part of the solution.
I started writing, I think a book. It wasn’t intentional. I couldn’t sleep a couple nights ago and at 4am, it all just spewed out of me, my Prologue. I’ve had 4 people read it. They say they want “more.” I want it to read like a novel, even though it’s non-fiction. I think it achieves that and draws in readers. I’m writing it long-hand, of course, but I’m just inspired to give a message of hope to others. I’m putting out to the Universe that I’m going to publish with a major publisher, and try to be on Oprah’s Book Club choice. Why not? Ha!...
I love you, Dragonfly J
Survivor [HAPPY STICKER],
I put “happy” because I am. I wonder if you can feel my smile all the way there, it’s warm enough to even melt your snow. My exit summary is complete and my papers are being mailed to my region on Monday to request my home confinement. May 28th, 65 days and a wake-up….I can do that!
It’ll be the perfect time of year. I may be having to stay indoors during home confinement, depending on my probation requirements, but it will be nice weather and my windows can let in fresh air! Hope will be ready to be ridden. With all the students heading home earlier in May, some jobs may be available as well. My future starts in May J
I miss you sooo much. It’s been 7 months since you dropped me off in the parking lot. My emotions were on hold, as I walked to the truck to begin the 5-minute ride across base to the prison. Shock was all I felt for days. I want to help ensure less of us ever have to go through this experience. Prison is not the answer for non-violent addicts. I need to help build the alternative, be part of the solution.
I started writing, I think a book. It wasn’t intentional. I couldn’t sleep a couple nights ago and at 4am, it all just spewed out of me, my Prologue. I’ve had 4 people read it. They say they want “more.” I want it to read like a novel, even though it’s non-fiction. I think it achieves that and draws in readers. I’m writing it long-hand, of course, but I’m just inspired to give a message of hope to others. I’m putting out to the Universe that I’m going to publish with a major publisher, and try to be on Oprah’s Book Club choice. Why not? Ha!...
I love you, Dragonfly J
Tuesday, March 18, 2014
From Dragonfly: Being Extraordinary
What is the difference between being ordinary and being extraordinary? I believe it is in how you carry yourself, how you carry your past, and how you view the future. Someone extraordinary will view the past as the past, and find lessons learned, adventures taken, and changes achieved as a part of their life experience. They will not hide from the past, but they will not live in the past either. They will confidently carry themselves through the present, knowing that they are not perfect, yet trying to do the best they can at any given moment. They will view the future as open-ended and a journey, not knowing the exact end point, but continuing to have goals and trying to reach them; not seeing it a failure if they fall short as a new door may be opening.
Why am I writing this? Well, I think people thought me extraordinary when I was living my two lives - the public one and the private one. My public life looked like all these things, but in reality, I privately hated myself and didn't believe I deserved any success or good to life. Looking back on my life up to the age of 35, I was just an ordinary person, faking being extraordinary.
Today, I will strive to be extraordinary, although as with anyone, I will fall short much of the time. I find myself engaging in the gossip of this place (it's hard not to) or feeling limited as to my future (which I know is the opposite of what lays ahead for me). I am my own worst enemy - we all are, don't you think? We let our minds take us to negative places, for the mere fact that we allow it to happen. If we strive for extraordinary, we will know that we are just feeling fear or anxiety, and let those feelings go, as we face each new day with hope.
I know that I am extraordinary. I know that you are extraordinary. Everyone can be extraordinary, if they allow themselves the peace and hope that surrounds that vision. No matter what has been done to us or what we have done, it's how we carry these things, talk about these things, and learn from these things that make us extraordinary. We can be victims the rest of our lives, or we can be survivors and teachers and helpers. We can view our experiences as opportunities to help others, no matter whether they were positive or negative experiences. It's all in how we see our time here on earth. The world does not revolve around us, but we are part of this world, put here to make it a better place. Well, that's what I believe anyway.
So, I'm going to start this day, and each day following today in prison, with thinking, "today I will be extraordinary." Today, I will have hope that my journey is what it is because it is making me a more extraordinary person. There's nothing wrong with being ordinary, in fact, instead of everyone thinking me extraordinary, I hope they see me as ordinary. There's comfort in just fitting in and not standing out. What matters is what I know about myself and how I can strive to make every day matter.
Why am I writing this? Well, I think people thought me extraordinary when I was living my two lives - the public one and the private one. My public life looked like all these things, but in reality, I privately hated myself and didn't believe I deserved any success or good to life. Looking back on my life up to the age of 35, I was just an ordinary person, faking being extraordinary.
Today, I will strive to be extraordinary, although as with anyone, I will fall short much of the time. I find myself engaging in the gossip of this place (it's hard not to) or feeling limited as to my future (which I know is the opposite of what lays ahead for me). I am my own worst enemy - we all are, don't you think? We let our minds take us to negative places, for the mere fact that we allow it to happen. If we strive for extraordinary, we will know that we are just feeling fear or anxiety, and let those feelings go, as we face each new day with hope.
I know that I am extraordinary. I know that you are extraordinary. Everyone can be extraordinary, if they allow themselves the peace and hope that surrounds that vision. No matter what has been done to us or what we have done, it's how we carry these things, talk about these things, and learn from these things that make us extraordinary. We can be victims the rest of our lives, or we can be survivors and teachers and helpers. We can view our experiences as opportunities to help others, no matter whether they were positive or negative experiences. It's all in how we see our time here on earth. The world does not revolve around us, but we are part of this world, put here to make it a better place. Well, that's what I believe anyway.
So, I'm going to start this day, and each day following today in prison, with thinking, "today I will be extraordinary." Today, I will have hope that my journey is what it is because it is making me a more extraordinary person. There's nothing wrong with being ordinary, in fact, instead of everyone thinking me extraordinary, I hope they see me as ordinary. There's comfort in just fitting in and not standing out. What matters is what I know about myself and how I can strive to make every day matter.
From Dragonfly: Clean Your Room
As kids, our parents would scream at us to "clean your room" or pick up after ourselves. Perhaps some parents were more flexible, didn't care what your room looked like, as long as the door was closed. During my years of addiction, I was a hoarder in the worst sense, piles everywhere. Even when I cleaned, the piles equaled dust and I didn't live in as clean a home as I wished. Once I was in recovery, cleanliness became important. I even scraped the funds to have a house cleaner every couple weeks do to the deep cleaning. I still have piles, but not as many. I am capable of ridding myself of stuff when I have to - I do my best clearing of stuff when I am with someone who can help me make the decisions of what to keep and toss - ergo the incredible work that Traveler did with me before I moved - she actually had me hold onto more things than I intended to. She had to remind me that going away for 10 months (or shorter) was not the rest of my life. I'd be back.
Anyway, cleanliness is very, very important in prison. I've written before about cleaning days (right now, my day is only Saturday, as my roommates all each already had two days and didn't mind my just picking up the missing one). Our rooms have a strict code - military style - of what are beds, our floors, under our beds, and our lockers are to look like. We must dust at the window - even the bars in the window. Tops of lockers must be cleared and dusted. During the week, during the working day hours, our beds are to be perfectly made, no items on lockers or the desk, shoes and laundry bag against the side walls under our beds. The floor must be swept and mopped. The trash can must be empty and upside down under our desk. Many people are in the unit all day, but if we are in our rooms, our rooms must not look lived in. We can be inspected at any time.
When people think inspection is happening in the units, they yell and everyone quickly goes about making sure everything in their room is pristine, the orderlies scrub the floors and bathrooms, and everyone stands outside their room, waiting for the inspector... sometimes for an hour before either the inspector shows up or the inspector doesn't and we have to do it all again later that day or later in the week. The inspector then ranks all 8 housing units and based on that order, inmates are called to meals and pill line. Since our move to the 1N side of the housing units, we have been failing repeatedly... we used to be 1st-3rd consistently in 1S, but in 1N we have fallen to 8th and we can't seem to get it right. Inspectors come and find items under pillows or mattresses, items in empty lockers, dust at the window sill or on top of lockers, things hidden under the upside down trashcan... we all know that these are going to fail us, yet people do it, week after week after week.
Our unit manager has had enough of it. So, like our parents used to tell us to "clean your room," so is our unit manager and we've been grounded just like our parents would do. For this week, we have no tables or chairs in the atrium during the day - no tables all day, chairs only between 6-9pm. People are sitting on the concrete to watch TV or play cards. If we continue to fail, next week, the TVs are going off. Our punishment if that's not enough next week? No email during the third week.
The thing about these punishments is that they are punishing everyone for the acts of a few. Only some rooms get the rest of us in trouble, so those rooms are also at risk. Every room written up will result in everyone in the room getting a "shot." Shots can be serious, resulting in someones inability to transfer to a camp, loss of good time, loss of communication or shopping privileges, etc. No one wants a shot. We must all trust in each other, especially our roommates, that the cleaning will be done (thoroughly) every day. If not, we are risking not only ourselves, but each other, and the entire unit.
I've mentioned that being here is a lot like junior high at times, and this is certainly one of those examples. We must follow the rules, or we will be grounded. We must clean up after ourselves and live in a clean environment. It's good for everyone to accept and follow those rules. So, just remember those earlier days in your life, when you wanted to go out but had to clean your room first. You will be happy you spent the small amount of time doing the right thing.
Anyway, cleanliness is very, very important in prison. I've written before about cleaning days (right now, my day is only Saturday, as my roommates all each already had two days and didn't mind my just picking up the missing one). Our rooms have a strict code - military style - of what are beds, our floors, under our beds, and our lockers are to look like. We must dust at the window - even the bars in the window. Tops of lockers must be cleared and dusted. During the week, during the working day hours, our beds are to be perfectly made, no items on lockers or the desk, shoes and laundry bag against the side walls under our beds. The floor must be swept and mopped. The trash can must be empty and upside down under our desk. Many people are in the unit all day, but if we are in our rooms, our rooms must not look lived in. We can be inspected at any time.
When people think inspection is happening in the units, they yell and everyone quickly goes about making sure everything in their room is pristine, the orderlies scrub the floors and bathrooms, and everyone stands outside their room, waiting for the inspector... sometimes for an hour before either the inspector shows up or the inspector doesn't and we have to do it all again later that day or later in the week. The inspector then ranks all 8 housing units and based on that order, inmates are called to meals and pill line. Since our move to the 1N side of the housing units, we have been failing repeatedly... we used to be 1st-3rd consistently in 1S, but in 1N we have fallen to 8th and we can't seem to get it right. Inspectors come and find items under pillows or mattresses, items in empty lockers, dust at the window sill or on top of lockers, things hidden under the upside down trashcan... we all know that these are going to fail us, yet people do it, week after week after week.
Our unit manager has had enough of it. So, like our parents used to tell us to "clean your room," so is our unit manager and we've been grounded just like our parents would do. For this week, we have no tables or chairs in the atrium during the day - no tables all day, chairs only between 6-9pm. People are sitting on the concrete to watch TV or play cards. If we continue to fail, next week, the TVs are going off. Our punishment if that's not enough next week? No email during the third week.
The thing about these punishments is that they are punishing everyone for the acts of a few. Only some rooms get the rest of us in trouble, so those rooms are also at risk. Every room written up will result in everyone in the room getting a "shot." Shots can be serious, resulting in someones inability to transfer to a camp, loss of good time, loss of communication or shopping privileges, etc. No one wants a shot. We must all trust in each other, especially our roommates, that the cleaning will be done (thoroughly) every day. If not, we are risking not only ourselves, but each other, and the entire unit.
I've mentioned that being here is a lot like junior high at times, and this is certainly one of those examples. We must follow the rules, or we will be grounded. We must clean up after ourselves and live in a clean environment. It's good for everyone to accept and follow those rules. So, just remember those earlier days in your life, when you wanted to go out but had to clean your room first. You will be happy you spent the small amount of time doing the right thing.
Monday, March 17, 2014
From Dragonfly: Sleepless Nights
I had a very hard time falling asleep last night. I was tired enough, but I just couldn't stop thinking about things that were causing me stress - like my life just before I was terminated from my job, the family I considered "mine" that I was living with (partner, three kids) that have long since moved on, old friends I've lost, and poor decisions/choices I made over the years of my unhealthy, addictive behavior. During step 9 of the GA program, the first person I had to make amends to was myself. Once I was able to forgive myself - more than a year and a half into the program - I was able to start making amends with others on my list. The last amends for my addictive behavior I made standing in the courtroom, the day of my sentencing, when so many "haters" were hearing me for the first time since my crime, where I took responsibility and apologized for my actions. The words were so real, but I was caught up in emotions, overwhelmed by the number of people there who spoke against me and the things they believed about me that just were not true. I still fear that my statement to the judge, and everyone in the courtroom, did not come out as 'real'. I'd practiced it several times, crying, but standing in the courtroom that day, just prior to learning that I was, in fact going to prison, I was able to speak the words, but could not connect with them; as I knew so many people were staring at me, frowning, hating, shaking "no" at every word I spoke. I knew they did not believe a word I said, and somehow, I lost the ability to feel the words coming out of me. I know that it didn't matter what I said, by that point, the judge had already made clear her feelings for me and only let me speak after everyone in the room and just before handing down the sentence she'd already decided upon. It didn't matter how beautifully Faith and Survivor spoke about our addictions, or my story; nobody was listening.
I had done my step 9 well before I ever knew I'd actually be charged with wire fraud, well before I was back in school and finding a new path that allowed me to see a new future. They say that we have to keep working our steps, and I do. I practice my steps every day, but I have not written out my steps in years. I think it's time I do so, again. I think I had such a restless night, because I need to forgive myself again. My addiction did not just start with my first day at a casino, the behavior was there prior to finding my outlet, when I was teen and making other unhealthy choices due to my low self-esteem, loneliness, and fear. This next time I work my steps, I need to take myself back to those earlier days, the days where it all started. I need to write out those stories this time.
Perhaps, in time, my memories of the past will be able to be less restless, and I will be able to look back, clear my head, and get a good night's sleep. I, actually, sleep pretty well most nights, now. From the time I was about 11 through my mid-30's I had very restless nights, up and down all night long, not able to turn off my head. I would do puzzle magazines to calm my thoughts and help me go to sleep. With the advancement in cell phones, I would play a word game, or something to clear my thoughts, always to fall asleep. I no longer have to do that. I fall asleep when tired, although I still like to do a crossword or something while getting my eyelids to fall heavy. Even with all the unknowns in my life, most nights, I am able to feel the calmness of having done my best I could for the day. I try not to have the anxiety of yesterdays or tomorrows - the past is the past and the future is yet to come. One day at a time clears my head. I can be good with just one day.
Everyone in prison has some restless nights, especially when they first arrive. It's loud here. There's no darkness. We have roommates that are up and down at all hours and some that snore. Some roommates can't stop talking, others never want the light off. Sleep is hard, at times. Usually, in time, we all are able to sleep enough. At least we can sleep, until the flashlight of midnight, 3am, or 5am counts crosses our eyelids. I've even learned to sleep through that, most nights.
Tonight, I'm going to clear my head before trying to go to sleep. I will have my puzzle magazine beside me, just in case. I will read my daily recovery readers, and keep those positive thoughts stirring as my only thoughts as I lay down. If I find myself restless, I will turn on my light at my bed, grab a pad of paper and pencil, and restart step one... perhaps that will help for today.
I had done my step 9 well before I ever knew I'd actually be charged with wire fraud, well before I was back in school and finding a new path that allowed me to see a new future. They say that we have to keep working our steps, and I do. I practice my steps every day, but I have not written out my steps in years. I think it's time I do so, again. I think I had such a restless night, because I need to forgive myself again. My addiction did not just start with my first day at a casino, the behavior was there prior to finding my outlet, when I was teen and making other unhealthy choices due to my low self-esteem, loneliness, and fear. This next time I work my steps, I need to take myself back to those earlier days, the days where it all started. I need to write out those stories this time.
Perhaps, in time, my memories of the past will be able to be less restless, and I will be able to look back, clear my head, and get a good night's sleep. I, actually, sleep pretty well most nights, now. From the time I was about 11 through my mid-30's I had very restless nights, up and down all night long, not able to turn off my head. I would do puzzle magazines to calm my thoughts and help me go to sleep. With the advancement in cell phones, I would play a word game, or something to clear my thoughts, always to fall asleep. I no longer have to do that. I fall asleep when tired, although I still like to do a crossword or something while getting my eyelids to fall heavy. Even with all the unknowns in my life, most nights, I am able to feel the calmness of having done my best I could for the day. I try not to have the anxiety of yesterdays or tomorrows - the past is the past and the future is yet to come. One day at a time clears my head. I can be good with just one day.
Everyone in prison has some restless nights, especially when they first arrive. It's loud here. There's no darkness. We have roommates that are up and down at all hours and some that snore. Some roommates can't stop talking, others never want the light off. Sleep is hard, at times. Usually, in time, we all are able to sleep enough. At least we can sleep, until the flashlight of midnight, 3am, or 5am counts crosses our eyelids. I've even learned to sleep through that, most nights.
Tonight, I'm going to clear my head before trying to go to sleep. I will have my puzzle magazine beside me, just in case. I will read my daily recovery readers, and keep those positive thoughts stirring as my only thoughts as I lay down. If I find myself restless, I will turn on my light at my bed, grab a pad of paper and pencil, and restart step one... perhaps that will help for today.
From Dragonfly: Inmate Recalls
There are the set inmate recalls - the ones at 9:30am (weekends), 10:30am (weekdays), 3:30pm, and 8:30pm. We have to immediately go back to our housing units at that time (unless we are on the "out count" due to work or something like that). Sometimes we have to go right to our rooms to stand count, sometimes it is just to get us into our units. However, when there is an "emergency," one we are usually unaware of, we hear "inmate recall... all inmates are to return to their housing units immediately... inmate recall," and where ever we are, whatever we are doing, we must stop, turn in any equipment we have, and immediately find our way back to our units. These kinds of "emergencies" maybe happen once every so often, perhaps 1-2x in a month; except lately...
Just this past three days, we have had three major recalls. Each left us in our rooms for hours, wondering what was going on. Two resulted in several "emergency" counts. Once, we were counted 6x within an hour, by 4 staff members. Usually, only gossip guides us on why we were called back to our units and what is leading to the counts. Last night, I believe it was because all the lights on the compound went out, so they wouldn't have been able to see us, but it could be something else, and that was just occurring at the same time. Two days ago, a suspicious package showed up in the mail room... all is fine, now, but the rumors were going crazy about the package and its contents. Sometimes, a recall is because someone is being moved out of "super max" to somewhere else for whatever reason. Super max is housed in its own building behind where my housing unit is. I've never seen anyone except staff coming/going to there. A couple people I know have done "suicide watch" for inmates in there, but I really know nothing of the place.
When there is an inmate recall that is unexpected, many inmates follow the rules and find their ways to their rooms, and either lay down or pick up a book or do something productive. Others, however, cause trouble, unable to be contained during a time that should be more free. They yell out obnoxious things, dance/sing silly to make other inmates laugh, ask crazy questions to the staff, or just refuse to stay put in their room, even though they are being told to stay there. There are no doors, so if someone wants to just walk to the restroom, they can. I can't tell you how often we hear, "who's in the bathroom?" by staff who are pissed that someone left their room. Of course, it is a medical facility, and we are one of the medical units, so people happen to be taking pills that may make holding off the restroom very difficult, but still, many people just don't like to follow rules.
I am a rule follower. If I have to go to the restroom while we are "racked up" in our rooms, I always ask permission of the staff. I usually sit and read or do a puzzle magazine when we are racked up, trying at the same time to hear the gossip about what's going on. I can't help but be curious - I've always been curious and I love solving a mystery. My roommates and I will contemplate what we think is happening and look out our window at anything suspicious or different happening on the compound while we are locked in our units. Sometimes, we use good deductive reasoning and pretty much can figure things out before some of the others near us, so they ask us our opinions on what is going on. No idea if our "guess" is right. We are usually never told by staff the full story.
I'm hoping as I face this Sunday, that we have no "special" recalls today. I like the fact that during the day, the unit is quieter, while so many inmates enjoy the mild weather we are having. Sometimes I go to indoor rec, or to the track at outdoor rec. I've even started doing some arm exercises with 2 lb. weights (got to start somewhere and my joints are very weak). I also have started walking the track with Lola. We both have arthritis, so we walk fairly slow, but around we go and it's good for us. So, I do hope there's no unanticipated recalls today. I want to enjoy a day of quiet and serenity as much as I can in here.
Just this past three days, we have had three major recalls. Each left us in our rooms for hours, wondering what was going on. Two resulted in several "emergency" counts. Once, we were counted 6x within an hour, by 4 staff members. Usually, only gossip guides us on why we were called back to our units and what is leading to the counts. Last night, I believe it was because all the lights on the compound went out, so they wouldn't have been able to see us, but it could be something else, and that was just occurring at the same time. Two days ago, a suspicious package showed up in the mail room... all is fine, now, but the rumors were going crazy about the package and its contents. Sometimes, a recall is because someone is being moved out of "super max" to somewhere else for whatever reason. Super max is housed in its own building behind where my housing unit is. I've never seen anyone except staff coming/going to there. A couple people I know have done "suicide watch" for inmates in there, but I really know nothing of the place.
When there is an inmate recall that is unexpected, many inmates follow the rules and find their ways to their rooms, and either lay down or pick up a book or do something productive. Others, however, cause trouble, unable to be contained during a time that should be more free. They yell out obnoxious things, dance/sing silly to make other inmates laugh, ask crazy questions to the staff, or just refuse to stay put in their room, even though they are being told to stay there. There are no doors, so if someone wants to just walk to the restroom, they can. I can't tell you how often we hear, "who's in the bathroom?" by staff who are pissed that someone left their room. Of course, it is a medical facility, and we are one of the medical units, so people happen to be taking pills that may make holding off the restroom very difficult, but still, many people just don't like to follow rules.
I am a rule follower. If I have to go to the restroom while we are "racked up" in our rooms, I always ask permission of the staff. I usually sit and read or do a puzzle magazine when we are racked up, trying at the same time to hear the gossip about what's going on. I can't help but be curious - I've always been curious and I love solving a mystery. My roommates and I will contemplate what we think is happening and look out our window at anything suspicious or different happening on the compound while we are locked in our units. Sometimes, we use good deductive reasoning and pretty much can figure things out before some of the others near us, so they ask us our opinions on what is going on. No idea if our "guess" is right. We are usually never told by staff the full story.
I'm hoping as I face this Sunday, that we have no "special" recalls today. I like the fact that during the day, the unit is quieter, while so many inmates enjoy the mild weather we are having. Sometimes I go to indoor rec, or to the track at outdoor rec. I've even started doing some arm exercises with 2 lb. weights (got to start somewhere and my joints are very weak). I also have started walking the track with Lola. We both have arthritis, so we walk fairly slow, but around we go and it's good for us. So, I do hope there's no unanticipated recalls today. I want to enjoy a day of quiet and serenity as much as I can in here.