Recovering Hope

When I was deciding which university to attend for my doctoral program, I was very specific about the location. I did not want an urban campus. I did not want to have to live too far away from campus. I wanted to ensure that I could use a fun and cute motor scooter as my transportation to/from campus on warmer days. Before I selected my campus, I'd selected my preferred transportation.

The school I selected was definitely the right fit in many ways. It, also, was the perfect school to ride around on a motor scooter. Within a month of moving to the area about 6 miles from campus, I went in search of my future scooter. I was thinking Vespa. They are just so darn cute!!

Instead, next to the Vespas in the showroom were two smaller, less expensive, scooters bearing the name Schwinn. One was tan and white, the other pink and white. The pink one was called a "hope 50." I fell in love. Not only was she the cutest scooter in the shop, but a percentage of her sale would be donated to breast cancer research. She was also a bit closer to the ground - and at 5' tall, I liked the fact that my toes on both of my feet could touch the ground at the same time. We were meant to be together. 

After spending a couple days looking up reviews to ensure I wasn't investing in a lemon, I proudly purchased my scooter. I rode around town with my 50cc bike, knowing I was allowed to park at bike racks, and getting over 100 miles to the gallon. Over winter, I would store her. I treated her well, and she treated me well - always making it to the gas pump just before officially running out.

It was the day I brought the scooter home, that I realized I would name her Hope. I don't usually name my vehicles, or give them a personality, but there was something special about this scooter. I was embarking on a new life and that is when I not only named my scooter Hope, but the word hope became my mantra.

Two years ago, in Vietnam, I purchased the perfect pink helmet with white stars on the sides. Scooters are the primary transportation to the families in Vietnam, and they sold really cool accessories. I would not leave the country without a helmet - which cost me the equivalent of about $8 U.S.

While I was in Texas, Joy stored Hope for me in her garage. I knew I'd be coming home to my cute bike and once off home confinement, I'd be able to don my helmet and take her for a nice ride. Just two days ago, I told someone that the first thing I would do Wednesday, is take Hope for a spin. Sporty picked her up from Joy a couple weeks ago, and she is parked on the sidewalk just outside our door.

So, you can imagine my reaction at 12:00pm today, when Sporty announced, "Hope is gone!" I thought she was playing with me. I went to the door, and she really was gone. She'd been stolen. She was locked to the side, so she was either lifted by very strong people or they jacked the ignition and broke the handlebar lock. Didn't matter though. Someone had my bike.

Immediately, I called the police and my insurance company. I had made sure I had comprehensive coverage for Hope, so she was covered in case of loss. The cop was very nice who came to take the report. I said that since I was having "police interaction," I needed to inform him that I was on home confinement. He didn't even blink and said, "no worries."

The officer told me that scooters are constantly stolen and they usually turn up - minus some parts. A bike like mine, though, he was sure would turn up, because it was one of a kind in this area. Plus, if they were wearing the pink Vietnamese helmet, that would be a definite sign. After dealing with the officer and my insurance company, I just sat and felt defeated. 

It was an hour later when I got the call that Hope had been recovered. Actually, she was recovered prior to my police report. Here's the details:

Hope Update: a male was seen by police riding a pink and white motor scooter at 3am. He dropped the bike and ran. The police thought it odd to see a tall male riding a short pink scooter. The scooter, proudly named "Hope" was brought to an impound lot. Hope's ignition and front cover are busted. Her Vietnamese helmet was still intact in the seat. She could not be started. A small scooter shop picked her up and she will be in the scooter hospital, awaiting State Farm examiners to appraise her condition. The owner looks forward to once again riding the streets of her town with Hope in the near future.

I guess there's irony here, I mean here I am a felon and I'm feeling the victim of a crime- a petty theft in reality. Life is not all black and white- there's so much grey in the middle. The guy riding my bike was not caught - he'd dropped my scooter to the road and ran from the scene. I won't know why he stole it. Is he part of a group that sells parts? Was he doing a prank? Did he need to money he'd earn to feed his kids? Was he just a kid? Did he have help? Where was he taking her? 

I'll never have all the answers. I'm just glad to know that hope has been recovered. I'm not sure if the insurance company will deem her too expensive to fix, and instead total her. I know electrically she can be fixed, but the damage to her body is extensive - especially the front hood, by the gas cap, and the side of the bike that went down in the road.

I guess it doesn't matter. I don't need this specific scooter to give me the hope I have. She brought the word into my life, and now it's my duty to keep restoring hope. Even feeling the violation of my favorite object being stolen and perhaps gone from my life forever, could not take away my hope. If I've learned anything over the last six years, it's that people matter so much more than objects. They can be replaced.

Background Check

It was the first time I had to answer that question in the positive, "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" It was on the form I had to fill out to start volunteering at my old job on campus. The plan is for me to volunteer through summer and once I am accepted back in for this fall (if I put it out to the universe will it make it true?) they want to rehire me as their graduate research assistant again. This is how we doctoral students pay for school and get paid - it covers all my tuition, health insurance, and gives me a living stipend. Even though my old job knows all about my conviction and prison time, they really want me back :-)

So, we decided to start with my volunteering part-time as I work to get myself back into school.

So, first, the Assoc. Provost who funds the program had to approve my volunteering/working there. I mentioned before that he has close ties to my old department and former advisor, however he's an independent thinker and knows of my work from several projects I've been involved with on campus. He told my former boss that he trusts her decision on whether I can work there. The next step, though, was passing the human resources background check.

All hires have to have a background check. Also, since this organization specifically works with youth (we help them get successfully through high school and into college), volunteers have to have their background checked too. When I got to the question about having a felony, I put the piece of paper down for a moment. After the question it says, "having a felony does not automatically preclude you from being considered for a position..." Yet, I was still nervous. I would have to mark, "yes," and then write a couple sentences explaining the charges, etc.

I turned the form in on Monday, and since I hadn't heard anything yet, I tried my best to just keep an open mind. No news really can be good news sometimes. Well, this afternoon I received a call from the organization and I was approved. I passed the background check, even with a felony that's not very old. I mean, according to the BOP, I'm still in custody.

So, I'll start volunteering the 3rd, the day after I'm officially off home confinement. One staff member recently had a stroke, so I'll be helping with her job, as well as my old job. I won't be getting paid, yet, but I can't think of a better use of my time and energy. The youth are all on campus over the summer taking classes as part of the program, so I'll be able to be around all that youthful energy. 

In the meantime, it was time for me to consider how else I may make a living, whether I get back in school or not. I decided to submit a couple applications for part-time jobs at the local community college. Once again, that question came up in each application. I know what I have to say, so I answered, "yes," and explained the circumstances. I don't know if it will affect their consideration of me or not. I can't worry about that. I just have to keep knocking on doors.

Since the first door I knocked on was open, I can tell you that we are capable of finding work with that big F on our foreheads. We must be honest, humble, and grateful. We must take responsibility for our pasts. 

Now, I hope this advice will help me through a meeting I have with another department on campus I may apply to as a student... More than one door may be open!

Blogging

This morning I decided to go through my email to see what messages I received while I was incarcerated. I had no idea that I'd received so many emails and comments! Thank you for all your support and for reading this whirlwind of thoughts and observations.

I don't know why it took me so long to read through all the comments. Well, I guess I do. I was not looking forward to reading more comments like from the blog entry about heroes falling I read when I first got out a couple weeks ago. Truth is, that's the only entry that had such hateful and judgmental comments. I feel so much joy, now, knowing that others have found my blog insightful, helpful, and interesting. Writing it has made this whole last year have direction and purpose.

I'm not going to say that I particularly like all the blog entries or that I'm a great writer. However, the ability to reflect openly about experiences is incredibly healing. I had a childhood that was about secrets and hiding. It took recovery for me to realize that all the secrets caused me to become emotionally stunted. Having a blog like this is quite the opposite, I can share the good, the bad, and the ugly. We say in the program, "we are only as sick as our secrets," and I thank god every day that I no longer harbor secrets and the fear of truth.

As time goes forward with this blog, I will share more about the life struggles that led to my addiction and crime. Perhaps a reader will identify with some of the experiences and they will be able to get the help they need before finding themselves at the brink of suicide and self-hatred. The focus of this blog though, will remain on the present and my life now that I have a large "F" for felon symbolically written across my forehead.

Please know that now that I'm home, I welcome comments and questions on this blog or through the link to email me (contact link on right panel). I will do my best to respond to any questions as soon as possible. Also, please feel free to suggest topics you'd like to see appear here. I'm never really at a loss of things to write about, but I want to ensure this blog stays interesting to the readers.

I am so blessed that so many people have found this blog and choose to keep coming back. There are readers from literally around the world - Europe, Asia, South America, etc. When I was leaving to self-surrender, Cache and I were so excited that I had nearly 5,000 hits on this site. Now, we are nearing 50,000. 

So, thank you to all of you! You've helped me through a difficult life experience and given me the strength to keep my hopes alive. I can not imagine life without writing, so you are all stuck with me for the long haul!

Cleaning House

I still need to organize my room. I still have boxes of I don't know what packed in storage. I still have the stuff I shipped home from Carswell in the box. Three weeks home and I've done almost nothing on making my space feel like home. Maybe I'm stuck in a rut.

Best way to get out of a rut?? Make a goal, a reasonable one, and stick with it. For me, that means putting each step into my calendar for the day I am to do it. By the end of July 4th weekend, I will have my room set up how I want it, my things put in their respective places, and all necessary things unpacked (some boxes are just going to stay in storage for a while... three people living in a not-so-big townhouse). This gives me a week to accomplish these tasks. Maybe all I need is to know I'm off home confinement to really get moving.

Today, we have a house cleaner doing some deep cleaning. That will be good motivation for me to get my stuff organized. In fact, I already started, as I needed to clean up for the cleaning lady (isn't that an oxymoron?). I believe a house cleaner should spend their time doing deep cleaning, not moving piles of stuff around to be able to dust.

So, I look forward to accomplishing my home goals. I have a lot to look forward to when I'm off home confinement, I certainly don't want to come home to an unorganized mess. Maybe I should stop this blog post and unpack that box over there...

Never Forget

A lot of people make an active choice to try to forget their time in prison. They are so emotionally wounded from the experience that they prefer to not talk about it, stay away from media that would remind them of it, and put their experience as far away from their thoughts as they can. I get it. Why relive a nightmare over and over again? We need to live in the present, not the past. I really do understand.

I make a different choice, however. I choose to never forget. It would be so easy to enjoy the comforts of home, ignoring that so many are still there struggling... Ignoring the fact that we have a broken justice system (not that it ever worked "right"). I can't do that, though. I believe that I'm meant to have every experience I have, in order to use that knowledge for good, for change, for helping others. I went to prison to pay for my wrongdoings, but I also went to be a voice for prison reform. I witnessed far too many things that were horribly wrong, for me to sit back and do nothing.

Things have gotten even worse at Carswell since I've been home. The prison is so overcrowded, that they turned a unit TV room into another bus stop, housing a dozen more people. People are packed in like sardines, and the failure to provide a safe environment becomes impossible. My unit that once had about 250 people, now houses 310. Sixty more people, yet the resources are not expanded to accommodate them. 

Friends are still there who are past their community program dates. Even Freckles, who is two weeks from her promised HWH date, has no confirmation or travel arrangements. Others are still being forced to max out, like My Bunkie who should have been processed for community programs back in December. She doesn't even have any medical issues!

Fights and drug smuggling/dealing have increased in number, and people are being released from the SHU early, because there are not enough beds to house everyone. Laundry doesn't have enough uniforms or pillows to accommodate newbies, so they don't get their few items guaranteed by the prison. People are serving sentences for non-violent crimes that are more than double those with violent pasts. Inmates continue to be treated like cattle, rather than people.

Worse of all, people are dying. MRSA is allowed to spread throughout the body before being properly treated. People sit on blue benches for hours, begging to be seen at the clinic, only to be told they'll be put on call-out which never happens. People wait in 3 hour lines, missing their meals, in order to get the medication they need. Treatment for cancers and other serious illnesses are held up for months, while the illness spreads and gets worse, sometimes to the point of no longer being treatable. Necessary medications are withheld, because the prison doesn't want to bare the cost. While I was at Carswell for just over nine months, I witnessed the death of nearly a dozen inmates, half of which for things that I believe were improperly treated, or not treated at all. One unnecessary death is one to many!!

So, no, I will not just close my eyes to the injustice of treatment in our prison system. The vast majority of people are locked up for non-violent crimes (at least in the women's prisons). They are not all bad people, they made mistakes and perhaps some deserve to go to prison, but they are still people and equally deserve humanity. I knew our justice system was broken before I witnessed it first hand. Now, I must be a part of the solution.

I do not know what my future holds and in what ways my voice will be heard. I do know, though, that I have a voice and I must use it. I did my time, and got through it alright (albeit with a little PTSD).  However, I will only be able to truly be comfortable with my freedom, if I am doing what I can to help those still on the inside. I will not forget!

Writing My Personal Statement

I was never a procrastinator. I always tried to be on top of all my work, giving me buffer time just in case. Since being on home confinement, though, I find myself staring at things to be done and feeling overwhelmed at the task. It's getting better, though, as I accomplished many things this past weekend.

One item on my "to-do" list has been my Personal Statement for readmission to my school - albeit a different education department. I met with a professor last week and she asked me to send my statement to her, but I kept stumbling over what to say, how much information on my past and imprisonment needed to be included, and emphasizing why this new department is such a good fit for me, when I was excelling in my old department. No doctoral program wants a student that does not really want their program. I was already working with them, I just need to be able to explain so much in a concise and well written statement.

Normally, addiction recovery and incarceration are not items I would encourage anyone to emphasize in their applications to graduate schools. However, given as my admission was revoked, I need to explain my situation and provide enough details that the faculty can understand. It is fairly unique.

I wanted to send off my information to the department by last Friday, but I just couldn't quite get my head around how to write the letter. This is not an uncommon experience, as I often ponder on what I will write before tackling a new writing project. This allows my thoughts to be more honed and the writing process to go easier.

It is also not uncommon for me to find myself awake in the middle of the night, having much of what I want to write written in my head. Such was true last night, where at 3am, I started typing my personal statement on my phone (yes, paper and a pen would have been a better option, but that would have entailed turning on a light, finding paper and a writing utensil, and disturbing Superdog who was asleep on my floor). 

So, I finger typed and finger typed a full statement. I did not make the mistake of immediately sending it off. It desperately needs editing and rearranging. However, it is all there on paper (well, the smartphone screen). The details of my past and incarceration, and yet it focuses on hope and goals and my love of education. I do not know what will happen as I continue my quest to be readmitted to the university and the college of education, but I do know that it's far better to face this all head on, regardless of the outcome.

Once the letter was completed, I sent it off for comments from Survivor and Sporty and I attempted sleep. Ring, ring... 5am and the RRC was checking to make sure I was home. They have the weirdest timing! Where would I be at 5am? Well, I suppose I was out at 5am plenty during my gambling binges...

Anyway, I was able to sneak in about two hours of sleep last night, before having to wake and drive the 3 hour morning trip to/from my RRC. It literally took 4 minutes today to have my breath analyzed (still no alcohol) and fill out the form. No meeting with my CW today. Such a waste of gas.

Tonight, I will finish editing my personal statement and email it off to the professor with a copy of my CV (curriculum vitae). I'll apologize that it took me a couple days to complete her request, and thank her for meeting with me and considering my request for admission. Then, I'll go and get a good night's sleep, as I know she's sending off the materials to other faculty in her department. I need to give them the procrastination time they need to consider my application. I can only hope one of them finds themselves awake in the middle of the night, thinking about how I would make a valuable addition to their  academic department.

Tweeting

I've been in love with technology since I was a kid. My father built our first computer and I would teach everyone how to use it. Things were so simple back then... Excitement was watching a curser (called a turtle) draw lines and make cool objects on a program called "Logo." I'm aging myself here!

I've done my best to stay up to date on technology and software. However, the social media craze came on super fast and I missed the MySpace bandwagon. I joined Facebook later than many of my peers (although I've more than made up for it in updates and photos).  I now have Instagram, YouTube, LinkedIn and blogger as well. However, I never quite understood the Twitter craze and why tweeting was such a wonderful way to connect.

I was wrong. I started a @DFHazel twitter account yesterday, and in just one day, I've connected with numerous people from both the recovery and prison reform worlds. This blog has been visited by new people, and I've found great blogs by others. I'm already making possible friendly and/or professional connections. I get it now...

I've said from the beginning that my story is neither special nor unique. It's great to connect with others whose stories are similar and different from my own. Social media offers us a way to make new networks for collaboration, sharing, connecting, and fun.

I'm planning on making twitter a new daily connection for myself to the world. Feel free to follow me at @DFHazel - I may choose to follow you back as well. There's so much to learn about people.

My next feat will be to build a DFHazel website. It'll be a place to share resources I developed while away, relevant news, and other valuable information... Stay tuned for that to happen in the near future!