Step 7

"7. Humbly asked God (of our understanding) to remove our shortcomings."

Step seven in gamblers anonymous (and most 12 step programs) reminds us that we are not necessarily able to remove all our personality and emotional defects on our own. They are a part of us, some we may not even know exist or we may not know how to describe, but they pain us or others and add difficulty to our lives. Our goal is to tackle such shortcomings one at a time and find healthier ways of thinking and living.

I must admit, I'm being tested on my ability to "let go," "have patience," "accept what seems unlikely," and just release it all to my higher power. I am one resolved to do just that. For six years doing so has never steered me wrong and I know, really know, that this time will be no different.

I'm obviously talking about the University. I'm obviously admitting that I did not hear anything today. Friday's workday came and went and I did not hear a peep about the hold on my registration and enrollment. 

This is what I must do. The department of criminal justice told me to assume that the hold will be lifted and to attend orientation Tuesday and my class Wednesday. My boss has me working, with no pay, my fall hours, assuming the same hold is being lifted. Everyone is just moving forward being positive, and doing their part.

I shall continue to do the same. I spent so much time looking to see if I had a new email today, that Sporty and T.S. Did me a favor and took my phone from me for an hour. I'm glad I had to have that anxiety break. Nothing will change this weekend, so that's another 48 hour break. Truth is, it doesn't even matter if news comes Monday or Tuesday, now, because I'm already attending class next week no matter what. 

I'm just going for it. That's what all the messages are telling me to do. I may be the crazy woman who can't even take a library book out because she's on hold in the system, but I'm going back to school next week. I think I'll start listening to the messages I'm receiving and not all the self defeating talk in my head. (Note to self - ask God to remove self defeating talk from my head when able...).

Do You Really Want to be My Friend?

One of the first things I did when I was released from prison was clear out most of my Facebook "friends." If I haven't seen, spoken to, or written to you in a couple of years, are you really someone that needs to know everything about who I know's head got recently covered in ice water? I kept my close friends, my family, my recovery friends, anyone who wrote or supported me in any way while I was in Texas, and University friends that I knew were caring despite all the gossip and drama. I no longer cared how many Facebook friends I had, just that I knew that whatever I posted I didn't have to worry about who was on the receiving end. My privacy settings are high, but I can't and won't control what others do with the information they receive from me. It's okay though, I'm not ashamed of my life.

Every couple days, though, I receive a friend request. It's either from someone I had unfriended due to my uncertainty of their support, or we weren't friends prior to my incarceration. I look at the request sometimes and for a split second and wonder "why," why are they reaching out to me. Truth is, most of them know nothing of where I've been for the past year. Some didn't even notice we weren't Facebook friends until they saw me post on another friend's message. It really doesn't matter. They are reaching out to me, wanting to reconnect.

I made the decision tonight to go ahead and just accept the friend request and to send them private messages saying that they should check out this blog so they know what I've been up to and ask questions in they have any. I've done that so far like four times when people have friended me and I'm pleased to share that they have all been incredibly supportive. I'm so amazed by the open mindedness of the vast majority of people I meet.

According to prison time, I am three days and a wake up from my new department's orientation, and four and a wake up from my first class. I still have a hold on my enrollment and registration. The secretary at the department wrote to me that I should move forward on the "assumption" that the hold will be lifted. I decided to order a couple of the books from Amazon today. I can return them if I have to. Or maybe that open mindedness  did spread to the University and I will be officially a student once again in just a few days, adding more people to my Facebook friends list.

Back to School

Now don't get excited, I did not get any news. The title is referring to T.S., not myself. When T.S. chose my University among those she was accepted to, I was thrilled. I knew I would have the responsibility and honor of helping her purchase things for her dorm room and freshman year, make big decisions, and support her through difficult times. I'd promised her a meal off-campus now and then, some laundry assistance, a bathtub when she wanted it, and a listening ear always. So many promises before I learned I would be going to prison, and worst still, have to self-surrender before she even moved onto campus.

Sporty is a great mom and did everything for T.S., but I hated not being there for both of them - the ins and outs of college life, especially at my University, is really an area they lean on me for. I did what I could from Texas - through phone, trulinks, and mail, but I was absent and failed in every one of my freshman year promises to someone who did not deserve to be let down by me.

Being back now gives me the pleasure of a second chance. T.S. may be going into her sophomore year, but she happily still seeks parental type guidance and support. She selected to live on campus for another year, so I get the opportunity to help with the dorm room this time. I already made her happy with one success. She and her roommate really wanted to buy a Capet for the room. The school sells a cheap one for $175 that fits the room. I took T.S. to a carpet store and she bought a remnant of a carpet the same size, worth over $300, for $120. It's softer, fuller, she saved money, and she had no idea remnants existed. Ah, it felt good to help. Unfortunately, the 12x11 carpet is rolled and laying in our entryway all the way to our kitchen until we can move it into the residence hall Friday, which makes our home currently look worse than a dorm room. Superdog can't quite figure out if she should walk over it or if she needs to walk all the way around it to get to the door to be let out.

Other things we are doing is look for a bike (her bike last year was stolen), obviously a better bike lock, buy school supplies (which totally geek me out), pack, organize, shop for some clothes (everyone wants back to school clothes), and talk through ideas. I'm with her every step of the way. 

We are working the same schedule this week, so we spend the rest of the day together, running errands, talking, listening to music, walking here and there, and eating too much. It's perfect and this has been a week I'm so grateful to have with T.S. I told her that I'll probably have empty nest syndrome next week and when she's at school. I'll see her probably weekly or often enough (we will be on the same campus), but it won't be the same. She's an adult, she's already grown up so much in the past year. I have had such an amazing two months spending time with her at home and seeing the maturity first hand. 

It's been an honor to have had T.S. allow me to act as a co/step parent in her life. It has always been up to her and she chose to let me in. Perhaps I healed a part of her and I know she healed a big part of me. Everyday I spend time with her, I am in awe of her individuality, intelligence, maturity, wisdom, creativity, selflessness, and humanity. I can't wait to see what she is like in five years, ten, twenty. In the mean time, I'm just excited to be helping her prepare to go back to school.

One Year

Today marks the one year anniversary of the day I self-surrendered to FMC Carswell. Every moment of the day is still so vivid in my mind. There were so many new sights, sounds, smells, people, touches, clothes, and rules. Nothing in the world prepares you for that first day.

I knew from the beginning that I was not alone. Survivor just dropped me off and I knew that she and my other close friends were all thinking about me and some even shedding tears. My letter writing started immediately. As did my connections with new friends - South, Chi, Freckles, Appeal, Danbury, Lola, Mama, Nurse, Glitter, Curls, Army, Bandana, Braids, Ark, Cali, Taz, Red, Bunkie, Longwinded, Mexi, and many more! Friends and family were a lifeline throughout the last year and I thank every person who has said a kind word, shared a laugh with me, sent me a letter/card/book, tweeted me, Facebook messaged me, sent emails, or prayed for me. While incarcerated and after, my heart has been truly filled with awe at all the love and support I've received. Thank you!!!

I guess, if I lost good time, today would actually be the day I would exit prison. Yesterday would've been 365 days and today was the +1. As the goody two shoes I am, I didn't visit the SHU and lost no good time, so I didn't have to truly max out (I knew of very few who ever did). However, I guess that's another reason this date - Aug 19th is significant (I have 3 min to finish this blog post and upload before the date turns to the 20th -  not going to happen - but know I started on the 19th!!!)

Three years ago, on August 19th, I also started a private blog with one of my best friends and I just realized it today, when the site we used (we stopped posting about 1 1/2 years ago), sent me a your blog turned 3 today email. It appears that August 19th may be a very significant date for me.

Okay, I got my hopes up. I did what I always say DON'T DO! I built expectations and assumptions around today. This morning I put on Facebook that my life would "change" today... All because I believed that today is the day I would hear back from admissions and my hold would be lifted. This belief did not come out of nowhere, mind you. I had some decent clues.

Last week, my supervisor at work received a call from admissions telling her that the application is back at admissions and is now waiting on one more signature from someone who will be back in the office on Tuesday (TODAY - the 19th). I was told by an assistant dean in the grad school that I should hear at the early part of this week. Well, after today, it's the "mid" part of the week... So, you get my drift. I'm doing my best to have patience, but people first told me I'd hear two weeks ago, then last Wednesday, and then Today. 

Did I hear today? Well, I did talk with admissions today. The final person was on vacation and just got back. They are not sure when he will get to my file. That's where it was left. School starts in a week and my job should have started this week. Ce la vie for the life of a felon!

So August 19th resulted in more time volunteer working at my future campus job, spending time with T.S., working out to Jillian Michaels, watching the "American President," and being a plain, good, fine, ordinary day.

If I Could Choose

While I'm not technically on "welfare" because I do not have kids, I am on several forms of government assistance - Medicaid and Food Stamps. I have no idea the cost on the taxpayers to support me month to month for these two items, but I thank every one of you for helping me survive as I rebuild my life. 

Truth is, the taxpayers were paying my room, board, medical care, security, maintenance, education, clothing, and every other expense I had while I was in Carswell. So, I suppose I'm becoming less of a burden on the taxpayers. Unfortunately, there are a lot, I mean a lot, of people in my same shoes who are forced to live on the governments dime. So many people talk about how people take "advantage" of the system. All I see are people who will do anything to get off the system.

I for one am eating far better than I would on a grad student's stipend and getting just as good, if not better, healthcare for free than I was on my prior insurance. However, I cannot wait for the day that I can call the government assistance office and inform them that I will no longer need Medicaid or food stamps. I would rather struggle to make ends meet, but stay on my budget and do my best, than have to keep living off the government when I do not have to.

It is very unfortunate that so many ex-felons are unable to find work and are forced to rely on government assistance. I'm so grateful the safety net exists for us. For everyone. I've known a lot of people who have been on unemployment, Medicaid, food stamps, cash assistance, childcare subsidies, and many other government funded programs. Without these opportunities, so many families and individuals would struggle even more than what happens now. Whether a felon, a low income worker, a displaced worker, someone retired, a teenage parent, a single parent, a foster parent, whomever you are, these programs exist to help. I will never forget these months of assistance I received and like so many other things over the last several years, I will pay it all forward as I am able.

Memories More Than Things

I've always been a believer in the idea that giving memories is more important than giving things. With people though, we like the things, the tangible. On birthdays and holidays, we like the act of unwrapping something. Objects - the more the merrier, especially when we are young. How many broken McDonalds' toys does every parent have sitting around their house because their child HAD to have it? Truth is, adults are rarely better, we want, want, want what we see in ads and windows. Things just are fun and somehow our lives would be better if we had more things.

It was when I was a late teen, and my best friend Art and I decided to take long road trips for our winter breaks, that I truly realized that it's the memories, not the things that last and make our lives better. For four weeks one year, and five weeks the next, we traveled nearly every continental state and experienced beauty, crime, horseback riding, late nights, city life, rural landscapes, perfect sunsets, trolley rides, long walks, running out of gas, getting lost (before gps), strange people, all kinds of humor, visiting relatives, making new friends, getting sunburnt, freezing noses, crossing the Canadian border, hopping over to Mexico, sailing, camping, sleeping in the car, sleeping in nice hotels, sleeping in roach motels, and filling pages of diaries and photo books of interesting people, places and things. I do not remember most of the things I was given over my lifetime, but I certainly remember almost every aspect of those two trips and other memory makers I've done over my life.

For the last week, T.S.'s little sister has been visiting us and we've done all sorts of things. She lives in a very urban environment and before she went back home today, I wanted to give her a memory of an experience she never can have where she currently lives. She has talked about wanting to do it before, but usually expense is a large factor. However, I woke up this morning and something told me to just look it up for this area. Being in a more rural area, I guess I shouldn't be all that surprised, but it was very affordable to give her the experience. We surprised her this morning with the opportunity to go horseback riding. She's nine years old and old enough to remember the first time she went, and she will always remember that she went with T.S. and how old she was, etc. We gave her a memory!

Over the last week, she received some rollerblades and a bike as well (thank you Craig's list) and she loves them both and used them a lot. However, something tells me that when she is older, it's not the things she received this trip that she will remember, it is the experiences. I'm so happy I was able to provide her with a life experience today!