Like, Really?

Sometimes when you are living a reality, you forget how strange it may appear to people outside that reality or even how odd it initially appeared to you when you first saw the behavior until it became normal to you as well. Let's consider fads like wearing leg warmers, crocs, even women working outside the home. 

In prison, there are many of those moments - they have softball teams here? People play pool in the rec? There's a nicely paved outdoor walking path? They have like 100 aerobic videos and only three television we can use to watch them on? If I want to keep Kosher, I better love sardines? A salad bar consists of iceberg lettuce? My 7am call out to see a doctor may result in my seeing the doctor at 3:30pm? I'm in a medical facility and have bad legs, but I have to stand for two hours twice a day to get my pain medications? I am not allowed to touch another inmates nor communicate with them post incarceration, but I can take a amateur picture with them in front of a professional backdrop that I can keep forever?

It's the last one that came up today. We have out of town guests and we were talking a little about my experiences down in Texas. Somehow the subject of pictures came up, so I decided to share the pictures I have of me with fellow inmate friends. The first thing our company said was, "they had a backdrop?!?!?" She was so shocked! Of course this surprised her. She hasn't seen it on Orange is the new Black yet...

I sometimes think that if they actually showed true reality on OITNB, people would say it was too made up. That's the thing about reality. It's often stranger than fiction. OITNB is loosely based on Kerman's experience, but by this point, loosely is an understatement. She was at a camp, OITNB is an FCI (closer to was Carswell is like). That's okay though, OITNB's TV show's intentions is to entertain, and that it does. 

The truth is that very little in prison is entertaining except those moments when the sarcastic part of you can look around and go, "really?!?!" I still laugh at some of the inconsistencies and insanity. One thing that made me laugh was our niece today, reminding me that it's not quite expected that at prison, we would be allowed to purchase tickets to take pics with our fellow felon friends in front of a fancy backdrop.

Blogging

I need to be honest. I almost didn't blog today. I just wasn't sure what to write about. There's the topic of home confinement and expenses that I'm working on from a reader that asked a question, but with the drama of school this week, I didn't finish preparing it yet (sorry!!). So, that one is coming very soon, albeit quite late.

It's like I feel incredibly busy, yet barely busy at the same time. Perhaps it's just my head that's full on information right now. My task list is incredibly long, yet I'm not trying to get every single thing done in an insane amount of time. Accomplishing what I can, making task lists for the future, trying to remain organized, and reminding myself that I want all this, helps.

So, there is really nothing to blog about and everything to blog about. I suppose life's normalcy is a good thing to report, just 3 months post- incarceration. Three months ago yesterday I walked out of Carswell. So many people get stuck, I'm one of the few who chooses to not forget, yet I've moved forward so quickly. Not sure what statistics I'd fit into. I'll probably be reading about all the people unlike myself in my classes. It will be cool to find some research around people who do thrive post incarceration. 

I hope I have many days where I'm at a loss on what to write. Sure, everyone gets writers block. For me, though, it's also a sign that life is good. I'll happily accept that.

My First Real Criminal Justice Class

There are three areas that criminal justice programs tend to cover broadly - policing, courts, and incarceration. To say that I have a real personal insight into each one of those areas is an understatement. So much so far in this first three hour class focused on a system that conflicts between punishing wrongdoers and due process - yet there is so much grey area in the middle. Students didn't question that everyone is arrested before arraignment, yet I sat in there, an example of someone never technically arrested. The discussion in class was lively and I showed myself to be interested, inquisitive, cynical, flexible, and perhaps a bit annoying (who knows). Well, I hope not annoying - it was the first day of the class.

At one point in the class, we all had to sign up to work together in teams of four on issues. Initially I signed up on the restorative justice team, since I am a trained facilitator. However, six of us signed up and we had to limit each group to four. The professor said something about "flipping a coin," and I said that "I don't gamble," to the whole class which made people laugh. If they only knew that my gambling led me to the criminal justice system they so desperately want to work within. In GA the main book (yellow book) it includes that we cannot "flip a coin," so that's why I ended up just saying that I'd volunteer to go to another team. Now I'm on the Sentencing Guidelines team... Yep, I know a bit about that too. I'll be looking at it all from a federal point of view - I think that will be my specialty. Seems, so far, most everyone I meet, works on the state level.  One Prof already told me it is hard to get fed data - that should surprise nobody!!!

I do not have another class until next Wednesday due to the holiday, so I have time to get my hands on some textbooks, start assignments, and get back in the groove. In the meantime, it's a four day weekend for me. Not sure I've been working enough to earn a Labor Day, so I promise to keep myself busy!

Exactly Where I Should Be

There were several moments of pause for me today. Two professors decided that since I am not yet an official phd student in the department, they are uncomfortable with my taking their courses. So, I signed up for two master's level courses. I must always remember that it is a large part of recovery to humble oneself and I'm sure that I will learn much from those courses. My other course will remain at the phd level and I'm also auditing a one credit phd course that was recommended. I'm fascinated by all the people and their interests. Other than the professors, I think I'm the oldest person in the room by a decade or more. That was not the case in my education courses where the phd courses were filled with people ranging in ages from 20s to 50s.

I miss my old cohort. I really enjoyed my friends and now I sit at a table with strangers who I know will become friends. In the master's courses, many students are looking at this University being just a 1-2 year stop for them, so long term roots may not be their goal. I like learning in collaborative environments, so I hope to meet some people who are interested in doing similar.

My campus has various coffee shops in buildings throughout. After my class today, I wanted a chai tea latte, but the closest cafe I knew of was in the education building and I must admit, a knot filled in my stomach about going there today - the first day of classes - likely everyone from my old program would be somewhere in that building.  So, I went to the website, and actually discovered that a cafe was in the building directly next to where my classroom was. So, I went there. Wouldn't you know it, I bumped into an old friend from my old department as I entered? We were always friendly and I see no reason to be any different, so I asked several questions around how he is doing. It felt good and once again, I hope I diffused any initial weirdness. 

The other truth is that I've been waiting so long for the admission answer, I'm the least prepared I've ever been for a semester of school. Just tonight, after celebrating Sporty's bday with a great dinner, I picked up some notebooks and a folder. I currently have three of the twelve books I need to have (trying to get as many as I can through the library, but I'm still locked out of most systems for a couple days). I need to quickly decide how I will handle all the pdf's professors want read, citation software, studying schedule and locations, opportunities for study groups, update on citation style requirements for this particular program, etc, etc. I've always had these issues answered and myself well organized before the start of each semester in the past.

I walked my campus proudly, though, today. I walked out of my car knowing I belonged there. There can no longer be any doubts. My journey is far from over, but I'm at least starting a new path and can't wait to see where I wind up. I may have an F for felon stamped across my forehead for the rest of my life, but I now get to show you all how unlimited out opportunities are despite our pasts.

The 11th Hour

There have been moments this year when I started to question myself, especially lately, am I holding out for something that is just not meant to be. First, my judge tells me that my academic career should end, then my admission is revoked to my phd program after two successful years, then my readmission is put on what seems like an indefinite hold. I don't verbalized my fears, but what if the real answer is "no?" What if I am not officially admitted to the University, what then?

I never had a backup plan. I just kept listening to the messages being given to me - keep trying, be patient, maintain hope, assume it's going to happen, and no one questioned my actions when I did just that - not my PO, not my supervisor, not my new department. They just kept cheering me on - keep going!!! Well, okay, if you all believe in me, and I believe in me, then I'm going to just keep holding onto my belief in hope until I no longer am able to. With classes officially starting tomorrow, I drove home at 5pm having done my program orientation and a long meeting with my supervisor today, wondering if the every five minute check to see if I finally received an email saying my hold was lifted had been raised was too much. Maybe, just maybe, it was time to accept reality. Since mid July, I've been checking and rechecking my email constantly, being told it'll take a week, then ten days, then another week, then waiting til Tuesday, and now it had been another week. Time was ticking. 

5:52pm tonight by email:

"The hold on your application has been lifted and you are approved to continue your academic pursuit. 

My sincere best wishes.

....

Director of Admissions"

After I send a quick thank you, he replies back to me with, "Thank you for your patience, ... Have a success[ful] fall semester."

Let's be honest. I was anything BUT patient! It was 14 hours prior to their start of classes and I was officially admitted to the University. The biggest struggle was within myself, not the process of getting back in.

It's sad to know that many people would probably have never fought their way back into the University. Once their admission was revoked, they would have accepted it as a new dead end. I pray that people can learn from my experience that while I had many self-doubts along the way, perseverance, honesty, open-mindedness, flexibility, and hopefully some humility have helped me find my way back into a major University outside their traditional timeline, into a very competitive program, with a number of opportunities for a future that will not only allow me to pay my restitution, but to pay forward all the good done for me, and do public good for others throughout my life. 

Tomorrow I will officially sit in my first class as an official student of the University after my incarceration. I will never forget how many people went out of their way to help make this possible for me and I will do my best to make them all proud. Most of all, I will do the best I can to make myself proud. I do not have to be perfect, I just have to commit myself to this, work hard, follow through, and believe in myself. 

I am officially a student again at the 11th hour!

The Restitution Question

According to my judge's order, I must pay 10% of my gross income to my restitution. Since I had to report in about my "police interaction" last night (he'd already received notice and was glad I called because he was going to call me), I decided to ask a bunch of restitution related questions.

My P.O. has been doing this job a long time, like a lot of people I meet in the criminal process, yet somehow I always seem to have the unique circumstances, even though they really shouldn't be all that unique. I asked about whether a grant and a student loan will count as income in terms of having to pay 10% toward my restitution. I was not complaining about having to do so, but I do worry that those funds have specific educational purposes and putting them (even 10%) toward a personal debt may be outside the guidelines of the grant/ loan. Also, on federal taxes, they are not forms of taxable income. I'm not sure if that matters. My P.O. will get back to me on that. It's not my plan to actually take out much in loans, mostly I am eligible for a grant that I'd like to receive and I may need just enough loans to help with textbooks, student fees not covered by my graduate assistantship, and a little bit of support to catch up since I've been unemployed since I've been home and since I was never officially made a student, my employer could never pay me that donation made on my behalf this summer - because I'm not in the University system. I told my supervisor to deposit the funds into my school year stipend account. At least sharing household expenses with Sporty really cuts my bills big time!!

Another question I had is whether any of the restitution payments I made while at Carswell are showing on my file. The entire time I was locked up, not one monthly payment actually showed up as paid, even though the funds were withdrawn from my account. I was told it's a slow processing issue. What else is new? My PO didn't know.

I asked where my restitution is going and where I should be sending it. It's another question my PO couldn't answer. I guess it was a confusing morning for him with all these very difficult questions before 9am. I knew it was a miracle he answered his phone. He never answers his phone. 

The phone call ended and from the conversation I learned that my PO was glad I wasn't out selling anything illegal last night when I had met up with the cops. NOPE. That I knew slightly more about my restitution situation than my PO. That apparently no one else ever asks their PO a question prior to 9 am.

Where this leaves me? I'm attending the department of criminal justice's graduate student orientation tomorrow. I still have a hold on my admission, although I now know that even the dean of the grad school, the same one that revoked my admission last year, signed for my admission this year. It's waiting for one last signature. I have no access to any University systems, libraries, parking permits, etcetera because I'm not an official student. I'm working my 20 hr per week graduate assistantship, only I can't be officially hired because I'm not a student yet, and I'm earning no money and have none of the benefits. I'm eligible for a grant and student loans, but they can't be processed until I'm a student and then my PO will decide if I'll have to pay 10% of the financial aid to my restitution.

Truly, even my PO thinks this is all going to work out!

Sirens

I don't know about you, but I'm one of those drivers who hated when a police car is driving behind me. I may be doing everything right, but I will suddenly be nervous. Somehow I will just know that they will turn their lights on and I'll get pulled over. 99% of the time, they just turn away or pass my by, probably annoyed that I've slowed down too much. Ugh, a granny driver! It's that 1% of the time that scares me, though. I don't want a ticket. I never was one to do well with police interaction, but now that I'm on federal supervision and have a record, I'm especially nervous. We all hear stories.

I'm guessing you know what I'm leading up to here. We had a really long day today. T.S.' dorm room move-in is on its third day and finally the furniture is set where it is staying (I pray) but once that was set, we had to go shopping and, well, we were all pretty much exhausted. When we left the store around 9pm, I failed to turn on my headlights (I'm still not used to driving a vehicle that does not have lights that can stay on and automatically turn on/off) and about half way of the four miles home I realized it and flipped on the lights. That's exactly when the other lights (blue and red) were flipped on behind me as well. My first thought was, "I'm going to have to call my P.O. tomorrow morning and report this..." My goal is to stay under the radar, not have to report police interaction.

The rules are the rules, though. I listened to the officer inform me that my lights were off. I told him about not having my car for the past year, about why that was, how I'm not used to not having auto lights, how my parents had been taking care of the car, etc. Be humble. Be honest. 

A few minutes later the police officer returned to my vehicle and did not write me a ticket. He believed me story. It was the truth. Always best to just say the a truth. I'm glad I spoke my truth, there's a lot in his car computer that he can gain access to that even I don't know, so I'm never going to try to outsmart a cop. 

I still have to contact my P.O. tomorrow. I will likely only get his message machine. He will write some comments in my file. It shouldn't leave to bad a mark as long as I continue to do what is expected of me. I hate to admit though, I think I will now be a bit more scared of those officers driving behind me for now on.

The Truth of Fellowship

One of many words I had no real meaning for prior to six years ago was "fellowship." I'd known of community, but now that I know of fellowship, I see how much deeper it goes than community. One of the great gifts of being in a recovery program is the fellowship we share, especially as we build stronger relationships and personal connections within our meetings.

I was fortunate to have the opportunity to experience the great blessing of incredible fellowship today with new and old friends - including some I haven't seen for quite a while. The day brought laughter, tears, hugs, smiling, sharing, helping, and even some drawing. I hold onto energy from days like today to help me get through tough days, remembering that many people are still struggling with this insideous illness losing everything, and that through GA, I have some very close friends.

I think people are able to find fellowship in places outside of recovery rooms and events. Many religious institutions organize around concepts of fellowship. I think a true fellowship must have some open form of communication about a specific topic.

In the end, today,I chose to give my phone number to two people needing a female person to help them with initial ga program question and two people who want to attend our new meeting. Most important to me, though, was that hug. The hug by my ga friend who wasn't quite sure if she would see me this morning. Feeling the reaction of her body while we hugged and knowing that those were real tears of happiness to see me, is the real fellowship that has kept me knowing prior to, during, and now after prison, that I am never alone and the very real value of fellowship!