Picking Blueberries

Our official recovery weekend has started and I feel so refreshed in the outdoors surrounded by friends who understand the same life struggles as my own. The minute Superdog and I parked on the land, a calmness washed over me. This is a place I've always felt peace. I have a lot of history on this land and many memories and no where could I feel more "free" right now than being here.

I had the opportunity to spend several hours with my aunt just catching up and relaxing. It was really just wonderful. She has always had an energy that's fascinated me. She is incredibly talented / actress, writer, and so much more. She's an adventurer, an ex hippy that's still kinda a hippy, interesting in myriad of ways, and usually the natural center of attention. She and my mom are complete opposites, yet that's not to say one is all good and the other bad - just complete opposites, like my sister and I.

Survivor came early and we went to lunch in town. It was wonderful to have that time. I miss my time with her. We used to be able to spend more to together, so today was nice! 

The rest of the gang started arriving a bit later and suddenly it was all of us together, catching up, hugging, laughing, looking at pictures/videos, talking, cooking, eating, gossiping, taking photos, telling stories, blowing up airbeds, making s'mores at a bonfire and so much more!!! Years can pass by and it's like yesterday!!! 

I can't take moments like this for granted, nor people like these women. They are amazing and I am so blessed to have this special weekend every year. It is so good to be surrounded by such love!

The Building Anticipation

I can't help myself. I'm excited for this weekend. It is my weekend that is about friendship, recovery, laughter, sharing, growth, serenity, nature, and so much more. Six years ago, when the first weekend occurred, some of us were practically strangers to one another, and not all of us were yet a part of this group. We had 7 of us that first year and 6 of us are still a part of it - we now have a group of 11. It was intended to be a women's recovery retreat, but we are now the cowgirls, all in G.A., all with years of recovery, and all growing in our recovery as the years go by. 

I for one know how lucky I am to have this particular group of incredible women as my friends. I wouldn't trade any of them in for anyone else. Each one of them is unique and special. They all have the ability to make me laugh and we share the trust that makes tears just as likely. None of us are perfect, nor do we pretend to be, which makes all of us perfect as a group. We accept that we are degenerates, laugh at our inadequacies, and most of all, genuinely care about one another's lives.

We often laugh when we are out together imagining how anyone would guess how this group formed. We vary in age over a 30+ year span, we vary racially, we vary by sexual orientation, marital status, parenthood, some are grandparents, others raising babies,..., some retired, others in college, ... Well, you get the idea. Are we a bowling league? Church group? Nope, just a bunch of best girlfriends in recovery who share a lot in common, even if by the looks of it, we share little in common.

Our retreat will be on about 4 1/2 acres of land owned by my aunt and nicknamed decades ago by my grandfather a Yiddish word for crazy. The land is incredibly serene, with blueberry bushes, a small and large pond, bird feeders, many plants, gardens, and even a blue ceramic cow (don't ask). The house is not set up for 11 to sleep, but we don't care. There are beds that sleep four, and we bring air mattresses to accommodate the rest of us. It's actually quite cozy and regardless of our ages, we find ourselves getting a good night's sleep. 

My favorite place is the screened in porch that I've found peace in since I was a child visiting the land. Aside from seeing my friends, I am looking forward to just sitting in that room, closing my eyes, and releasing as much stress as I can. There is a positive energy there that I cannot define, but I imagine most people have a place in their lives that gives them pure calmness and peace. For me, it is there.

Last year, my friends momentarily considered canceling their weekend because I couldn't be there (incarceration and all). I'm so glad it was only for a second and that they knew the retreat was as much about each of them as it was about me. This year, though, I can't wait to have us all there together. It'll actually be the first time we are all there together in a couple of years. Everyone needs this retreat, not just me, and I can't wait to be part of their weekend memories as well.

Never Get Too Comfortable

I've mentioned before that I've been concerned about the fact that I have not heard back from my PO lately and I need to be making my restitution payments and have some questions. My messages went unanswered, and he doesn't like repeat calls or emails, so it's a sit and wait game. However, I didn't want to violate my supervision either. I knew that this month I must make a payment, but since my case was transferred from one state to this state, I wasn't sure the protocol on where to make payments and last I talked to my PO, neither did he. What a lot of people don't realize, is that restitution is paid to the court clerk where you are sentenced, usually, not to the victims or some other entity. Additionally, all the restitution payments I made while incarcerated are still not showing up on my paperwork as being applied to my overall restitution debt.

This morning, I decided to head over to my PO's office. I guess I can just go there any week day, although I never have been there since my first day of official supervision. I went to drop off two forms. One form was a listing of all the gambler's anonymous meetings I've been to since July 2nd. It actually wasn't all of them, but most of them. It's a technicality that I have to have the form filled out and I attend at least a meeting every week. They have to have proof that I'm serious about my recovery. I am. Included was the G.A. conference I attended a couple weeks ago. He was pleased I went to it. He really doesn't understand how serious about recovery I am.

The second form was my first ever "travel authorization" form. It was for permission to travel to where my family and friends are for the Yom Kippur holiday weekend. It usually takes two weeks to receive approval, but luckily my PO was in, took me into his office for about 45 minutes, and approved me for my first trip out of state on the spot. In October, I will officially be able to take a road trip for a weekend. I'm truly looking forward to it! The fact that I need to go through that process, though, is that reminder - I am still in supervision - possibly for another 2 3/4 years - and my life is not mine to live freely. I have restrictions.

Interestingly, my PO asked me if I've had any "police interaction" recently and I honestly answered, "no." However, Sporty was driving my car last night and was pulled over. She was driving in a turn only lane and went forward, the cop just gave her a warning - this was just last night. Turns out that since it was my vehicle, my name popped up at my PO's office this morning. All was fine, but I guess he would have been forced to check in with me anyway today. I didn't realize that even my vehicle without my being in it made me susceptible to PO questions. It's okay, though, cause I really needed to talk to my PO!

Well, it's really good that I went in, because my PO still didn't have the answers about my restitution payments. That's okay, though, I'm just going to start making the payments to the original court - by check. I hate not being able to make the payment electronically. I like a better paper trail! I've also made the decision to make an initial payment out of the school grant I received. It's technically not income, but my PO never got a response from the court and I don't want to make a wrong move. I'll do whatever it takes to be truly free. I'll be paying on my restitution for a long time, but I want to be off supervision. I just don't want to ever get too comfortable with my life and somehow forget that I need to be doing something or that I have rules to follow and must report in and must pay my restitution on time.

It's actually quite easy to get caught up on normality and almost forget that I can't just jump in my car and drive somewhere or that I can never travel to Canada again or that I have no passport or that I can't just take an Amtrak or buy a plane ticket. My life is monitored. And, it appeared, my car is monitored. I'm at home, comfortably sitting on my couch, writing this blog post, but my life is still under surveillance to a point. I suppose in some ways it will always be - at least until I can actually finish supervision and finish paying off my restitution. Somehow, I will find a day when I am totally free again. Perhaps it won't matter one day. I don't know. I just can't forget that right now, I better keep taking the initiative and check in with my PO from time to time.

Weekend Failure

I'm not sure I should call my weekend a failure. I crossed many things off my to-do list. I've been excitedly planning for my weekend away with a group of my close friends next week - fun shopping included. I've made my third, yes third, assignment listing for the semester (I think this one I'm happy with). I wanted a listing that put together all my assignments from all my syllabi into one easy to read location. I utilized a groupon for a consignment store that was about to expire (very important) purchasing everything BUT the pants I need for the now cooler weather. I earned a free student professional license to a great survey software (SogoSurvey) that I had to jump through hoops to earn, but it was worth the time and effort to get the free professional license.

So, it wasn't a wasted weekend... but I did not cross off too many items on that new, updated, pretty assignment listing that I made. I just didn't have it in me to sit and read. It didn't help that Starbucks made a mistake with my chai order yesterday and instead of one Venti Chai Frappachino, I had that AND an Iced Chai Latte... that's a lot of caffeine for someone who doesn't do much caffeine like ever... I think I was a little too jumpy to be good at much of anything after I made the bad choice of drinking it all... I chose taste over health - go figure!

Speaking of health. I've made the choice to try an elimination diet after next weekend's binge fest with my friends. The elimination diet is meant to identify the foods that cause issues like allergies and other problems. People with chronic health issues, such as myself, have been able to find foods that cause increased inflammation, foods that increase their headaches, etc. After a month or so, I'll be able to identify the foods that seem to cause my system the biggest issues and try to develop a way to limit or eliminate those foods from my diet. Sporty and I bought a book (she's doing it too for other health reasons) and we are reading it chapter by chapter for the how to's and what not to do's. It's a big undertaking, but something I've been wanting to do for some time.

When I first got out of prison, I bought an orange juice at my not real halfway house. I almost immediately felt sick to my stomach. That made me wonder if I was having a reaction to the O.J. since I hadn't had it in so long, my body no longer was used to the juice. I haven't had any since. In that last several months, I've noticed that certain meals have had some similar reactions on me, but I don't quite know what foods are the culprits. So, best way to find out is to do this elimination diet. The reports say that after doing the elimination diet, I should feel really good, have better energy, and even lose a little weight (not a bad thing...). I'll keep you all informed about how it goes.

Maybe the elimination diet will also help me with my ADHD issues and I'll be able to concentrate a little more on my studies. While I did accomplish a lot this weekend, I really do want to put my studies first. I'm not worried. I don't have anything that must be done in the next two day or anything, but I also never want to feel as if I am behind either. We do not do homework in grad school --- we study and that is a thing that is done all week long, not just cramming before class. Well, tomorrow is another day and I will study, yes I will. Perhaps, I will lay off the caffeine before I even start the elimination diet too.