From Dragonfly: When Heroes Fall

A difficult day yesterday. Although, I will start with the positive. I started my job "trying out" at Education to be a GED tutor. I helped women aged 19-68 write introduction paragraphs for essays. It was fun, but hard not "being" the teacher or looking at the program from my educational research brain. I hope I am selected to be one of the permanent tutors. I do a day with them again tomorrow.

That could not outweigh the emotions of the day, however. Starting at lunch... SARDINES!!! AGAIN... So, as I understood based on a conversation earlier in the day with the chaplain, I went to the main line to get some chicken and rice. Next thing you know, an officer pulls me out of line and starts yelling at me. He pulls me to the side and asks the main dining guy to assist him at degrading me publicly for going to the main line when I am supposed to be on the "common fare." I explained that they are out of the meals and I have been served Sardines 5 of the last 7 days and spaghetti and meatballs 4 of the days. They called me a liar, even though I was not lying. They were out of food and only got a new shipment yesterday. I guess meals were going to start following the menu last night (I wouldn't know, because as soon as they made me put an entirely full tray of decent food on the dish washing counter, I did not go back yesterday). I went immediately back to the chaplain to once again (3rd time) talk about the lack of meals available for Kosher inmates. But, what can they really do?!?! So, I officially withdrew from the Kosher meals and then I broke down in tears. Luckily, the chaplain (of course) had actual tissue on her desk (what a concept!). She closed her door and I said, "I'm so stupid crying about food. I just want some protein." I said I'm not supposed to cry here. She told me that it was ridiculous that I could not cry. I am a woman, in a messed up place. Very true. I walked out of the main building wondering how soon this place will officially "break me." I ate some basic commissary fare in my room before having to get my head together and return to education for the afternoon class.

Okay, so my day starts to get a little better. I'd put some protein in my stomach and started to get passed the fact that I may actually get a "shot" (in trouble) for having taken food from the wrong line... until mail call. The first letter I receive is from my advisor, Dr. P., I'm excited that she decided to write me and I open it immediately... to see a letter informing me that she has read my indictment and no longer will act as my academic advisor or mentor. She said that our relationship is "irreparably damaged." I never lied to her about anything and an indictment (as we all know) is not fact. But, she decided I am not fitting to work with her anymore. She cc'd the heads of my academic department. I'm sure they have now read the indictment as well. My academic future now remains unknown. Tears again - this time in the safety of my bed.

I have to admit that 19 additional pieces of mail were given to me yesterday - wow! They were all loving, supportive, funny, and wonderful. I laid on my bed and read every single one. Here's one letter telling me I am dirt and 19 telling me I am loved and supported. Yet, we cannot change where our minds go - that I can only think of the one negative even among so much positive. This is the time for the serenity prayer. Keeping in mind what is and what is not changeable at this moment, I must only worry about today and TODAY, I can do nothing. Acceptance will come. I am going back to school. As of right now, I am still a student and I've done nothing to violate my right to continue to be one. I do not know what the future looks like, but do any of us? Keep doing the next right thing... read and distract myself... spend time with the few here, like South, who truly understand. One day at a time.