From Dragonfly: Dad

It's always hard to get difficult news in prison. Yesterday, it was my turn. I learned that my Dad has a brain tumor. It is on the bone, so even if they operate, they will not be able to get it all out. My father is still in his 60's, yet his Mother passed away in his 90's three years ago, his sister in her 70's two years ago...

Life with my father has been a difficult ride. He was not the kind of father any child should have - angry, abusive, distant... When he left my home in the late 80's, it was months before my sister or I heard anything from him. We didn't miss him. We felt safer and were happy that my Mom was free of the crazy life with my dad.

For a while, I would see my dad every so often. Sometimes, it would be at least monthly, sometimes less frequent. My parents fought in their divorce for four years before it could be finalized. By the time it was, they were both living with the people who would be their new spouses. They married these spouses on the exact same day - forcing my sister and I to attend both their weddings, hold up their Chupahs, and take family pictures twice in the same day. I was too young to drink, but my sister was not... it was the kind of day one would probably want to drink at (although, I've never had that inkling to want to drink...). Anyway, my father and I grew more and more distant. I always had so much anger at him, but was passive in his presence, as I was to anyone and everyone.

As I became an adult, we went for long periods of time without talking, then periods of time connecting. He changed over the years. He became softer. At times, that same old personality came out, made worst by my step-mother, who I refer to as my "step-monster." Perhaps that is enough said about her. But, somehow, my dad and I maintained a distant relationship. There are many ways I am like him - luckily, the good ways... computer ability, analytical thinking, interest in nerdy type things. My dad was never a "nerd," but he could have been. He was just too angry and too "broken" to be much of anything. He is intelligent, though, and always enjoyed finding cool electronics. Although, he went Beta, when the rest of the world went VHS, swearing it would win out, he was wrong...

In recent years, my dad I and have gotten closer. We lost my grandma and my aunt in the last several years, I am the only person who still talks to him in my family. My sister and him have had no relationship for nearly 15 years. He doesn't know her children (his grandchildren). Too many lies, too much hurt, could ever repair that relationship. My first cousins would not call when he had his first bought with cancer last year - bladder cancer. They said that they got it all.

Two days after his surgery for bladder cancer, two days before my sentencing, my dad had his first stroke. Perhaps his only one, but who knows. The stroke was bad, and he was in ICU for a long time, rehab for longer, and then continued with rehab from home. He was doing well, but he cannot verbalize his thoughts well. Phone conversations are difficult. I know he wants to say things to me, but he can't connect his words. His wife helps him communicate. He doesn't even use the computer much anymore. He lived his life on his computer!

He was only told that I was going to prison two days before I self-surrendered. The doctors were concerned that he would have another stroke due to the shock. So he didn't know. I hated that. But, he accepted it when I told him. We'd been tighter since my recovery started. I even spent a week with him in his nice southwestern state a couple years ago. As I said, he's gentler now. I know he cares about me. Other than his wife, I am his only family.

So, when I got the news yesterday, I was incredibly saddened. He does not have the strength he had a year ago, when he fought his bladder cancer. He does not have the words to express how he feels. I fear he will not be able to advocate for himself - something we all must do in today's healthcare world. So, I pray for him, his health, and that I will be able to see him again. The last two times I saw him were funerals, I pray the next time I see him is not his. Although his wife told me that they won't have funerals - "no one would come," she said. Perhaps, but I would be there.

My home confinement date - May 28th, is my dad's birthday. Perhaps that is no coincidence. As my friend in G.A. says, "there are no coincidences, just god-instances." My prayers are that I will be able to get permission to see him after my release. I pray he makes it to then, or beyond for years. One never knows. Don't give up Dad! Stay strong! That's what I told him on the phone yesterday. Perhaps he could tell I was crying. Someone does love him. It is me!

His first procedure is this Friday. It is a procedure through his nose - just an overnight in the hospital. We'll know more after that. Stay strong. That message is for my dad, and myself.