According to Probation Services...

I was wondering what official policy is around early release from supervision. I suppose it should surprise none of us that there is a lot of discretion on the part of those in power (not us) to decide who is considered and who is not for early release:

"Can I get off of Federal supervision early?

The short answer is generally yes, if certain conditions are met.  According to federal statue, all offenders are eligible for early release after one year of supervision.  However, it is the decision of the sentencing judge. Some sentencing judges will not grant early release if a significant downward departure was given at the time of sentencing. Others will not consider it until you have reached 1/2 to 2/3 of the your supervised release sentence. Some districts will grant an early termination with an outstanding fine or restitution balance, if payments have been made as ordered during the period of supervision. Other districts will not consider anyone for early termination as long as there is any outstanding debt to the court. A request for early release can be generated by the officer after they have examined your role in the offense, the nature and severity of your offense and criminal history, your compliance under supervision, how any of your codefendents were handled, and if the U.S. Attorney has an objection to early release. This process takes a little while, and again underscores the importance of compliance on supervision and a good working relationship with your officer."

I have not heard back from my P.O. I was supposed to hear by Friday. Either he forgot, did not hear back from the prosecutor in my case, or was just telling me what I wanted to hear. If I don't hear from him by the end of the day tomorrow, I'll be calling him again,

December Supervision Update and More

A couple months ago I posted that my P.O. had stated that I should be off supervision by the holidays (remember?). Later, Freckles posted that her P.O. stated that she was told that nearly no one gets off supervision. Well, it is the holidays... what's my status?

I have been on supervision a total of 17 months of my 3 year sentence. Word was that most people have to do at least 18 months, so there's that. What about the "before the holidays," stuff though? I had to go see my P.O. and I have been pushing him in a cordial kind of way... "any movement?" "anything I can do?"

One thing I did was bring in my Carswell certificate that showed I took a class in financial budgeting. It was a requirement of my supervision that I have a financial course and encouraged that I do it while still incarcerated. I didn't mind doing so. It was informative and Glitter taught it. I went for six weeks and we watched videos, filled out paperwork, took a pre and post test. It was legit. I received a certificate and points on my official paperwork for completing it. It was one of the few educational activities where I was a participant and not the educator. My P.O. made a copy of the certificate last time I was there and we crossed that requirement off my paperwork, or so I thought.

Last week, I talked to my P.O. again due to my needing permission to travel for Thanksgiving, and he informed me that he still wanted me to get in another financial seminar ("I don't care how short or long it is"). I guess pushing these programs while still incarcerated don't count once we are out. Luckily, I had several workshops I'd been to that we could choose from. We selected a workshop I recently attended with the youth I work with where I actually took a selfie with Rev. Jessee Jackson Sr. Telling my P.O. that I had a selfie with Rev. Jackson resulted in his wanting me to text him a copy of the photo. While not nearly as informative as the seminar I attended at Carswell, the one day workshop with Jessee Jackson crossed that "t" and dotted that "i," and there was nothing remaining on my requirements from court for concern. No matter what anything may think of Rev. Jessee Jackson, the workshop was really good and he was inspirational to the youth - also, he was impressive to my P.O. which is all that really matter!!!

So, was that enough? Well, no.

Being qualified to be recommended for early release from supervision and having your P.O. actually seek it are two entirely different things! I had done everything expected of me for the last 17 months - monthly reports, paying more than expected in restitution, maintaining my employment, school, solid family life, no negative police interactions, clean from gambling, active in recovery, etc., but there are several people that must make the decision to ACT before anything can happen and the first level had initially decided to NOT act.

My P.O. informed me that the office was so overwhelmed with "bad" drug dealers that they did not have time to go to court to request my early release. Early release is the lowest priority in such a busy office. With the number of people recently being released from prisons, they are just too burdened to take on the work of early release. He admitted he was going to try to get me released before, but too much work has now piled upon him. I think he could see my disappointment as I just stared at him knowing that he had all the power in that room.

I did not let it entirely go, though. I brought up the fact that travel is a real part of my life - as all our family members live out of state and I am constantly burdening him with travel requests.

Next thing that happened is that my P.O. decided that he would call the prosecutor from my case and see if there would be an opposition to early release. If not, it will be much simpler to go forward. That phone call should have occurred this past week. I am supposed to hear back from my P.O. tomorrow.

My P.O. asked me if the prosecutor was being really tough on me. I said that, honestly, he was tough in the fact that he asked for prison and a year and a day, but that he could have gone with the statutory minimums of 3-5 years. My P.O. laughed and said, "he went for a year and a day?"

I said, "I know, he wanted me to be able to get time off..."
My P.O. said, "exactly." One year and I'd have served exactly 365 days in prison and instead I was able to served about 10 months!

I also said that the prosecutor allowed me to hold on to my passport and go to South Africa between arraignment and sentencing. This fascinated my P.O. "You went to South Africa??"

"Yeah, they said I was a good bet." Meaning I wouldn't run. "I told them that they should use a different choice of words on me."

My P.O. is the one person in the legal system who understands my sense of humor around my gambling addiction. I reminded my P.O. that I am 7 1/2 years clean from gambling. I am also 7 1/2 years since any wrong doing.

I do not know what could happen. Will I be released from supervision before my three years are finished or will I have the opportunity to have a judge consider me for early release? These are outside my control.  I will just keep doing the right thing whether on or off supervision and hope that I continue to maintain a decent relationship with my P.O.

Honesty, Open-Mindedness, and Willingness are three words we learn in recovery --- I think they are applicable in our relationships with our P.O.'s as well!

Gambling Diversion Programs instead of Prison? Why Not??

I am doing research for a research project and came across this article from April. Not only does the article make me mad because the Nevada legislature enacted a law to help people like Ms. Meador and yet the Judges don't understand gambling addiction and don't use the state program that can help her (she would still pay restitution and it's a 3 year commitment!) but the comments at the end of the article are just so ludicrous. It's alarming how little people can understand this addiction even in Clark County, NV - home of Las Vegas! 

Yes, she committed a crime but putting her in a prison where gambling is rampant and she will receive no treatment whatsoever is not the answer. Diversion programs are not a free ride - instead, like drug court, they help people get the recovery they need and recidivism rates are much lower than when sent to prison. Gambling motivated white-collar offenders are not motivated by greed - they are motivated by the next bet, the last bet, debts caused by gambling, and the irrational thoughts and feelings that plague their lives due to the inability to stop gambling.

Treatment for problem gamblers a long shot in Las Vegas courts

My Presentations and a lot of Sleep

As mentioned in a previous post, I am at a conference this week. It is actually one of the largest annual conferences of criminal justice scholars in the world and this year happens to be in Washington D.C. I had two presentations - one based on my autoethnography (this blog) and one based on my summer research project around prison transgender policies. Aside from my part on those two panels, I attended numerous other sessions on such topics as effects on early decisions and programs in cases, sentencing disparities, women and crime, and so much more. I was going to attend a session around prison education, but a professor I had just met who was fascinated by my background insisted I not attend that session as it "would just frustrate me..." and then she followed up with, "you should be teaching on these issues." She had just started talking to me ten minutes earlier because we happened to sit next to each other in the hallway.

Yesterday, during the roundtable discussion on life in prison, I was pleasantly surprised to find 13 people in the room. That is a great turn out for a roundtable- especially given our 8am time slot and that we were opposite a major breakfast event for those in the Sentencing and Incarceration division (which even we on the panel should be attending!) bad timing indeed.

The three other papers being presented were fascinating and I was so happy to be among such a great group of people and research. When it was time for questions, I was surprised when people seemed most interested in my little independent research project on transgender prison policies. I answered each to the best of my ability and several people asked for my email after the session. This was exciting! Yes, I did share my personal prison experience as I am continuing this research to focus on women's prisons, as most policies appear to be written primarily for Male to Female transgender individuals, yet the Female to Male transgender individual appears invisible in most policy. Many transgender individuals (not just drag) are housed for safety reasons in female prisons, yet it is a very complex state by state policy based on several factors including surgery, hormones, and much more! I do not know of any Female to Male transgender individual housed in general population in a male prison. Like I said, complex.

Anyway, following the presentation, one of the professors on my panel walked up to me in the hotel lobby and asked if she could keep in touch with me. She also asked if I will be on the academic job market after I receive my Phd. I explained that it is a far way off... Couple years. She didn't care. She said that I BELONG in academia and that she's going to keep in touch with me. I think I really needed that boost right now with being so buried in my work! I started questioning my goals! 

The bad part of this trip, though, is my health. It's fall and I'm flaring! Fatigue at its worst and pain is awful. I was able to do about 3/4 of a day out before the conference before I could no longer handle the day. I've been in every night. Wednesday night, I passed out before 8pm and woke just in time to catch my uber for my conference in the morning. Yesterday, I only made it half the day at the conference, was asleep at 4pm and woke from 8am-midnight. I'm getting done what I must for my classes, but I'm not getting ahead, going to more of the conference, or taking in this great city of Washington D.C. These are the moments I wish I did not have a chronic illness. I know I will be better than this. I just have to wait it out.

Today, I make my way back home. The conference lasts until tomorrow, but my graduate school travel fellowship did not cover enough for me to afford to stick around. I also miss my family. Sporty is with me, but TS, Penny and the puppies are at home waiting. 

I think I made a decent first appearance at this very large conference. For Dragonfly Hazel's first public appearance, no academic immediately questioned my ability to use this site for research purposes. My life and the lives of so many others are changed through incarceration within the federal women's prison system. We are now one step closer to some new research on the subject!

Freckles TIPS Presentation

I did not have pre-sentence or pre-incarceration supervision, but a lot of federal offenders do. Freckles was under supervision before her incarceration and had some idea what to expect post-incarceration because of it. I, on the other hand, pretty much was entirely free except for being asked to turn in my passport AFTER my academic trip to South Africa which occurred a couple weeks prior to my sentencing. 

Since she was on supervision after her indictment, Freckles received various "assessments" and programs. TIPS is one of them and here she shares that it is now coming full circle...

---------------------------------

From Freckles:

Well - I'm not sure how many of you attended a TIPS (Transition into the Prison System) workshop at your probation office before you were sentenced or self surrendered, but I did and it was the most useless 4 hours my husband and I spent in preparing me for my incarceration.  I've recently been asked by my PO to present at the next TIPS workshop. I know I can't change the world and make the workshop the best thing ever for these future federal inmates, but I'm hoping I can at least have them leave the room thinking they gained some valuable information from me.

I know all of our experiences are vastly different.  From being on pretrial, to sentencing and even through the self surrender process.  But the fact of the matter is that once you are inside those walls, there is so much information that I wish everyone could have access to and even when preparing for release how much the BOP does not do. 

I taught many classes while I was in the system - but I'm not sure totally how to prepare for this?  Any ideas would be greatly appreciated.  Most of you have followed the blog or maybe even been incarcerated yourselves.  What would you want to hear/learn about?  

I know I won't be able to tell everyone everything they need to know - but I'm hoping to at least give them some valuable information that they can hold onto.  Unless you're a "frequent flyer" in the system - I'm hoping to see many faces as horrified as I was and even if for one minute I can give them some peace I'll be happy.  I do know one thing - there is no way to prepare for the "toll" it will take on your family. And until I was released I did not realize that my time away was much harder on my family than it was on me.  So even though we are caged in a system that makes us jump thru hoops, do back bends and flips when asked - we need to keep in mind our loved ones on the outside.  And bottom line - it's still all about our choices and our actions do have consequences long after we realize....

Wish me luck - and I'll post again in January after how everything went...

Presentation

Today Dragonfly Hazel is coming out to more than 3,000 criminal justice academics when I present at a national conference. Wish me luck... Our stories and our lives matter!

Typical BOP False Hopes? (By Freckles!)

A new entry from the one and only Freckles!!! Check it out!!!

While in prison, halfway house or on probation - you always hear about this mythical thing called "early release".  Early release from prison has proven to not be a unicorn as thousands of drug cases have recently seen early release with more to come. But what about early release from probation?  It's always a question to your PO and you're never given a truly straight answer. I'll use my 36 month probation term for our example.  

So I ask my PO about getting released from federal supervision early, not too long after I started my probation with them last spring.  To that I get an answer that with a term of 3 years we can recommend release around the 12 - 18 month mark.  Usually the 18 month mark is what is signed off on by our supervisor in our district.  Ok cool, so thinking if the PO says I'm good to release and even the supervising powers that be say I'm good to release - I should be hopeful that I'll be cut loose correct?  Not so much.  

After my last visit from my PO, she discussed me being turned over to another agent who is for "low risk" individuals. I was honestly shocked since I've had the same person for over a year on pretrial and now for about 9 months - I felt like she was never going to let me go.  

I asked the question again - especially with all these "early releases" going on from the BOP - what are the chances of me being released from supervision early.  Her response was definitely not what I imagined.  I was told that the reason I'm being "given" to a low risk PO is because of the increase in her caseload and that is the way the system is dealing with the influx of people coming into the supervision arena earlier then planned.  I was also told that although it is normal to "ask" to be released early from supervision it rarely happens.  She has seen it happen once and in that case the person did a complete turn around.  The judge sees so many of these that he denies, denies, denies and he needs to be "wowed" to cut you loose. 

Judge? what judge? what about you and your peeps signing off on?? Well, it goes in front of a judge - not your sentencing judge - another bureaucrat that is the early release gate keeper.  I was then informed since I was married, have a house and job - and had all this before I was incarcerated - it's probably pretty hard for me to "wow" the judge (but he doesn't know Freckles and her capabilities). 

So again, I plug along not planning on early anything - my hopes of beaches outside the US and Mexican Fiesta's need to be postponed for yet another 2 plus years. It really isn't a big deal to me - I don't do anything I'm not supposed to - but my state is cut in "half" as far as where I can travel without permission - so even a weekend to a friends cabin that is only 2 hours away needs to be ok'd; but I can travel 5 hours away to another friends cabin just because it falls on the "right" side of the state.  Spontaneity is no longer in my dictionary (for now) - because Freckles has it in her and it sucks not being able to be "me". And yes my PO will approve any travel I do want to do - she's already made that clear and even asks if I have any trips planned.  

So, keep your heads up - but not your hopes. Maybe, just maybe, I'll have the peeing in a cup thing down by the time I release now with the full 3 years!!  And maybe, just maybe, I'll start planning things to "wow" this bureaucrat - that is one challenge that this felon is up for - watch out early release gate keeper - Freckles is coming in HOT!!

Halloween Comes too Close to Home

As a kid, I really enjoyed Halloween. I remember being into my costumes a lot and having a lot of fun with trick-or-treating in my neighborhoods or with friends. I don't remember all that many of my costumes, but I do remember being a vampire my junior year in high school. Not sure why I got so dressed up, but I still have a good picture of that one. I also remember my mom dressing me very inappropriately as an "Asian" person in 3rd grade because my grandma had bought me a kimono on a trip and I happen to have smallish eyes. I sure hope no one was offended! How un- P.C. of us back in 1983 or so.

Anyway, as an adult, I haven't done a lot of costumes. In fact, the last time I dressed up in full costume was around ten years ago, I think. It should not surprise anyone that I dressed as a Queen of Hearts playing card. After being at a party for too short a time because all I wanted to do was gamble, I went to a casino and won their costume contest. I then likely lost whatever I won on their tables. Winnings never stayed winnings...

I love being home on Halloween, now, and seeing all the kids costumes and giving out candy at the door. I haven't lived in the best kid populated neighborhoods for trick or treating, until now, so I'm really looking forward to lots of fun costumes and stuff on the 31st!

T.S., at 20, still gets into costume almost every year and either goes trick or treating with her little sister or she hangs with friends or her cousins. This year her cousin is having a Halloween party. A ton of them are dressing in a theme... They are going in their favorite Orange is the New Black character.

At first when they told me the idea, I thought it sounded really fun. They love the show, as do I- it's so unreal in so many ways, and the moments that are realistic a are so few and far between... It never brings me back there... Except the very last 10 seconds of the last episode of the last season...

Anyway, I had even asked, if I were going, who would I be? "Piper," I was told. Oh, of course!

So, I guess I surprised even myself the other day when I was helping T.S. with something on her computer and I happened to see that she had an internet page open where she is ordering her "khakis." Federal khakis. The same khakis I had to wear for 9 1/2 months. They aren't just wearing clothing to kinda look like uniforms, they are purchasing real uniforms. They will wear badges that will look "real." My daughter will play like she's a federal felon. I know she and my nieces are all just portraying characters, but seeing them in real federal uniforms is not something I would ever want to see. 

They are not costumes. They are the uniforms my friends wear without choice. They are uncomfortable, they are oversized. They are tight. They are real.

I get that this is an emotional response to something that should not bother me. It would not bother the average person. T.S. Visited me at Carswell and took pictures with me while I had to wear my khakis. I never want those roles reversed. Perhaps she will be tasty or crazy eyes or someone else in that uniform - but no one in a federal uniform wants to be in it. I could accept it if it was for a play, movie, television show, etc, but for Halloween it is only a way to make fun of it... Maybe it's still too close to when I was forced to wear it

I said so many times, "I will never wear khaki again," I certainly still wear the color. However, there would be no reason for me to don a federal uniform as a fun costume. I'm sad that the people I love are choosing to do so, but respect that they certainly had no idea that it would bother me in this way.

Ashes to Ashes

This weekend I flew out west to help spread my father's ashes along Route 66, his favorite road. When he was much younger, he would travel the route to/from California and he loved those trips. My step-mom and her daughter chose a beautiful spot last weekend. I said a poem while my step-mom let most of the ashes fall to the earth from about 7,000 feet up. My step-sister's 19 year old son, my step-mom's brother, and Sporty were with us. As the ashes were going and I was emotionally reading a poem she selected about death, my step-mom stepped in a huge puddle and started swearing and that's how most of that went. 

Then she stopped and I noticed that there were still ashes in the bag. Honestly, she would just throw them away. So, I took the bag, went to the side rail, and started just talking to my dad as the remainder of his ashes went with the wind and down to the trees and earth. He would have loved where he is at: 

I know that our choice to donate his body to cancer research took most of his tissue and organs. I'm glad they cremated and sent us what was left to give back to the beauty of the earth!

Being here, though, is not so peaceful. I suppose I should find my serenity in knowing it is most likely my last time here. My stepmother actively chose to prefer to give anything that she wants to give away of my father's to her family and not to me. She would not part with anything of his that would be a family heirloom of my dad's as I am rightfully the next generation of his family. 

Examples such as his bar mitzvah book filled with my family members, his bar mitzvah ring, his yamikah that he has worn since boyhood, pictures of my grandparents, his work awards or desk nicknacks (many he has had since before marrying her), watches, etc. everything. She will either keep it, give it away to someone else, or dump it - but she refuses to give me anything personal of my fathers.

Two weeks ago, she called and said she had a watch and tie of my grandfathers to give me. Now she says she cannot find them. They were given to my dad. Now they were going to go to me. Gone.

I am leaving with some old sweaters and tshirts. She was giving all his clothes away and I insisted I go through them. She was annoyed but I didn't care. They have no value to her - tshirts and sweaters. They certainly are not family heirlooms. I just could not handle leaving with nothing of my father's. 

I know I have memories. I certainly want no money. I just wanted those things that should pass down in the family to stay in the family. I'm his daughter and I'm mourning him too. I know she misses him but things like his bar mitzvah book are filled with my ancestors and belong with my family. Her answer was this, "I'm not giving it to you." My thoughts were, "I shouldn't even have to ask."

Ashes to ashes. Dust to dust. As tears have fallen so many times from my eyes this weekend, I can only thank god that my father is not here to witness how awful his wife is upon his death. I know he loved me and I know he would want what is right. He may be ashes on the earth today. I may be leaving here tomorrow morning. Somehow, someday, I will make sure most his belongings are back with our family.

My LGBTQ Rights

This blog post is not going to be anything I've written before. I usually write here about my life inside and outside of prison, being a felon, or something like that. However, an incident from yesterday has been bothering me and I want to get it out of my head, so best place to do so for me is in writing and best place for me to write is on my blog. Forgive me the liberties I take in writing about a totally different subject in this post.

As you all know, I love my job. I love who I work with and what I do. I feel respected and needed. My boss knows my history and held my job for me. It's incredible. She is incredible. I am so very grateful.

There is one area though that I've always felt a little awkward, and that is around the fact that I am out and proud around my identity within the LGBTQ community. I came out at 18 years of age and we can just say I flew out of the closet. I immediately was named a leader on my college campus at the time. I also became political in the community. It was 1991 and we needed role models, equal rights, positive media, changes in policies and laws, etc. It is one of the reasons I went to law school.

Since 18 years of age, I have never hidden who I am. There is a saying, "silence equals death." I have a great uncle who was gay or bisexual and hid his identity from our family. His silence resulted in his hiding who he was with and when and he died from AIDS in the 80's. I take that saying literally. Had he not felt like he had to hide who he was, maybe he would have found a long-term relationship and lived a happy healthy life. One never knows.

Anyway, my work within the LGBTQ community is all over my resume and CV, I never hide it. I do a lot of volunteering and other work within the community. I was hired with the knowledge of that background.

So, yesterday, I was made a bit uncomfortable when asked about how I handle situations around my "personal life" with the youth of my organization. I was told that the staff don't talk about their "husbands" so there would be no reason for me to bring up my "wife." I was told that our youth may have conservative parents who may misconstrue something I would say to the youth and it would be interpreted as if I were saying that "homosexuality" was okay when it is not according to their parents.... Things like that.

So, I informed the person talking to me that I felt perfectly comfortable in my rights with how I would talk with any youth around the subject. First, one youth who is out approached me about how to figure out what colleges had safe spaces and which did not. I was glad that the student knew there was someone on staff that they could approach to talk about that! 

My role is to listen to the youth. Not guide them. I have worked with youth practically my entire adult life. I am a safe person to come to and to help guide them to further resources. I am not concerned about how parents would interpret my words because I never meet 1on1 with a student in total privacy and my job is to listen and help, not tell a young person how to think or feel.

Students do know that I got married this summer to my wife, however, and so far they have only said "that's cool." I may be the first out adult they know or maybe not. These kids respect me in my role and maybe it helps them break down some stereotypes. 

I'm not going to change being who I am or worry three years into my job. I said that I am no different on staff than the other diversity we offer among our staff members. They didn't see it that way. Homophobia even in the best of places. Trying to see past it.

Glad I was able to write all of this. Thanks for reading!

Supervision Status

I met with my P.O. again this week. I had to meet with him because I needed to fill out the paperwork again for travel approval. I am leaving town later this month to help spread my fathers ashes along Route 66 with my step-mother. It will be a way to officially say, "goodbye." I have no idea if/when I will have any communication with her again after that weekend. I know it will be up to me. She is already making plans on the rest of her life with her family. My father would have no expectations on me to keep in touch with her - I know that. It just seems odd to spend a weekend at "their" home and then leave it on a Monday knowing that she and her family will now have everything and I will never see or know anything of that part of my family again. She has "chosen" to not probate a will and I am still deciding on whether I want to make any trouble about that decision. As his daughter I believe my father would want me to have something and that he likely left me something. As a recovering gambler, I do not want to make his death about my trying to get something of "financial gain." I do not know what his will said and the only way to find out is if I hire an attorney and force probate. Things then become ugly. I may not even be listed in his will - he could have left everything to his wife and just had me as a contingency. If so, she will change the will to leave everything to her daughter and grandson long before anything happens to her. I earn my financial well-being in recovery. I do not expect anything from my father's death. People tell me that I should at least find out. It is so confusing because of my recovery. If money was left to me, perhaps it could help with my restitution payments, schooling, etc. There is no right answer, I just want to keep serenity in my life - yet not be passive to what is lawfully my right.

As for my other trip, I am going to a national conference to make two criminal justice presentations. One I am not concerned about - it is based on the research I did this summer through my independent study. The other presentation is based on my thesis and is all about this blog!! I'm focusing my actual presentation more on the methodology of autoethnography in a woman's prison than on findings, since I have not reached my findings stage in my research yet. This will be when I am at a conference of amazing criminal justice researchers, however, and I tell them all that I am Dragonfly Hazel, I am a graduate student at my university, and I may be seeking employment at their universities in the future. My story will become much more public this November in the Criminal Justice community.

My P.O. approved both trips. He does not know the emotions behind both trips, just the purpose of the trips. He has approved every trip I have requested since my supervision began in July, 2014. I have taken many trips outside of the state. I do not have to ask for permission for trips outside of my district, as long as I stay within my state.

While with my P.O., I once again asked, "is my name going to the Judge for consideration for early release from supervision?" I know that many people are being released from the federal prisons very soon due to the change in mandatory drug sentences and they need to get people like me off the higher level supervision rolls. My P.O. looked at a bunch of stuff on his computer screen and asked me to provide him with updated bank statements this week. He will go to his supervisor. Three possibilities will follow.

1) His supervisor could agree with him that my file is ready to go to the Judge for consideration for removal from supervision. The judge will consider everything to date and I may be released. I have been on supervision 15 months of my 3 year sentence.
2) His supervisor could decide to put me on a lower level of supervision in which case I will be assigned to a different P.O., but remain on supervision for a period of time with some level of contact and some responsibilities.
3) His supervisor could disagree and have me remain on the same level of supervision and I stay with my same P.O. for some period of time until we do another review.

My P.O. asked me "why do I want my supervision to end? what would change?" A very smart question by him... but I already knew my answer. I have no idea what others say to it. I said, "the only thing that would change for me, is my ability to travel without having to ask permission, especially with notice." My mom and stepdad moved down South. My dad passed away. My step-grandfather now lives with my parents down south and is 97 years old. Sporty’s family still lives back in the state I grew up in. T.S. decided last minute to have a pumpkin carving party just last weekend back there and I could not go because I need at least 2 week notice to travel. I want to be able to travel for family things and not have to worry. If something is going on with my aging parents or my step-grandfather, I want to be able to just go. The only thing that changes for me is that.

I will keep going to G.A. - I was going before and I never plan to stop. It's a part of my life. I need it. It is my medicine to stay in recovery!

I will keep paying my restitution. Perhaps some people don't pay it if they don't have to, but I will. In G.A. we believe that repayment of our debts is essential in our recovery. It may take me years and years to pay on my restitution amount that was set by the court, but as long as I continue to pay I am doing my duty and it will be a forever reminder of how far my illness took me. I know I will never forget, but a monthly payment is a good reminder nevertheless. I have no idea where that money goes and I just pray that it is going to a good cause and into the community that felt the most hurt by my actions! When enough money is there, I hope they are able to build a fund that really helps individuals within the community.

I do not know if I will be off supervision in a month, three months, or a year. It could be that I am on it for the full 3 years. I do know that my only way off supervision is to continue to do the right next thing every single day. I am honest with my P.O. every time I am asked a question. I submit my monthly reports on time. I pay my restitution every month. I do my best to be the client/supervisee that he does not have to worry about. I have enough personal worries of my own.

Creativity

With the opportunity to work with students again in a teaching role, I was a little taken aback the other day when the students selected the activity of the day to be painting canvases. While creativity is something I feel should be strongly encouraged, I am not a very astute visual artist.

It turns out, my students decided we would paint ceiling tiles from our learning space rather than canvases (for better or worse). Whatever I painted would exist for an eternity in that 24 hour accessed space at my University. We had less than an hour to visualize and create our new piece of art.

The students in the class are mostly seniors and I was honestly impressed at their skills to take an uneven surfaced tile and create beautiful sunsets, water scenes, trees, school logos, modern art, and more. It was awesome. This is my creation:

Feel free to interpret.

I will say that I did better than I thought I would in many ways, and it does actually have meaning. I liked the idea of painting a ceiling tile, it allowed for texture that I couldn't create on my own.

Future students, grads, staff and more will walk into that room and see the tiles created by this class. I suspect many of the other tiles will stand out, as it should be. I'm just glad that I am not embarrassed that mine will be among the others staring down at everyone in the room. Perhaps at just the right time, the right person will look up, and see that "hope" is staring down at them.

Specific Deterrence

Reading for class tonight...

“Specific deterrence refers to the idea that punishment reduces the crime of those specific people who are punished… A number of studies have tried to determine whether increasing the severity of punishment reduces crime. Most data suggest that more severe punishments are no more effective at reducing crime than less severe punishments. In fact, some studies suggest that more severe punishments may increase the likelihood of subsequent crime… [Studies] tend to suggest that arrested/convicted people do not have lower rates of subsequent crime [than those not arrested/convicted for similar crimes]. Some studies, in fact, find that the arrested people have higher rates of subsequent crime…” 

—— all this from my textbook!!!

Goes on to say - "punishing people does not reduce their subsequent crime."

Hmmmmmmm......

Finding my Dissertation Topic

The entire time I was in my old education program, I never quite knew what I would focus on for my dissertation. I had many research areas I cared about, but what would I want to spend a couple years researching and writing about? I was torn between many topics and never quite solidified with a "yes, this is it!" feeling. In criminal justice, my thesis topic came fairly easy - it is an autoethnography based on this blog and my experiences at FMC Carswell. It is looking specifically at self and collective efficacy in a federal women's prison and will add something to prison research that does not yet exist. My hope is to finish this semester and be working on a publication all next semester.

I am starting to also work on the baby steps of my dissertation at the same time. Sounds crazy, right? However, I need to be doing both right now because I am taking PhD courses while I am still completing this last Master's course and having this extra time on my thesis due to the issues that occurred Spring semester last year. I don't want to have to stay in school an entire extra year and my professors do not want me to either. I'm in an advanced research methods course right now that prefers we use the class to start thinking about our "topic," and I have...

I am going to focus on addictions and crime. After a 30 minute conversation with a professor last week, I am fairly certain the focus will be around the fact that incarceration does not best serve an addict or the victims of addiction based crime. I want to think very broadly in terms of defining addiction - including physical and behavioral addictions - with hopes that the research could help with pre-sentencing and/or placement decisions.

Too many people who are not career criminals or violent criminals are put into our prison system when what they need are programs that will better serve them. I feel that prisons are broken for all, but if we have a system called "prisons" they should be for those that are a "danger" to society. Addicts are a danger to society only because they are first a danger to themselves. If programs can help combat that first issue, they can potentially combat the second.

Our prison system does not help individuals the way we need it to. If someone is an addict, there are many ways to continue to be an addict or cross-addict in prison. The system is not set up to actually help a person connect to other people and start to build the fellowship necessary to really succeed in society post-incarceration. Something different is needed. Some research exists, but most is around drugs and alcohol, little if any around other forms of addiction.

So, I have my dissertation topic. How I will conduct my research is yet to be decided. The exact focus within this topic will be small. Many of the decisions will be decided as I move forward. However, my research will be on addiction and crime. I am excited.

The Good Rabbi and Dad's Death

If a person is to be away from family while mourning in the Jewish faith, there is perhaps no better time of the year than during the High Holy Days (Rosh Hashanah starts tonight and the next ten days are very important and then end with Yom Kippur). Last night, just hours before I actually knew of my father's passing, I happened to reach out to a local synagogue to see whether I would be able to obtain a yahrzeit candle (burns for 7 days) and a black ribbon once my father passed. I did not yet know when his passing would occur, but that it would be soon and I knew I needed to figure these things out. He may not be being buried, no funeral, shiva, or memorial may be occurring, but that does not mean that I do not want to honor him properly in our Jewish faith.

My email to the Rabbi resulted in a return phone call hours after his death. She gave condolences, even though the email indicated he had not yet passed, yet when she left her call he had. I realize she didn't know that, but I like to think that somehow she just knew that from the time I wrote and the time she called, she just knew. I don't know why I like to think that, but I do.

I didn't know it would be a female Rabbi, but I was pleasantly surprised listening to her voice in the message. It was soft and kind. It is so nice to see temples hiring females into their rabbinical roles, and not just as lower level rabbis. She said that I should come to services tonight and tomorrow, even though I am not affiliated. I am welcome. She said she would have a ribbon for me and would look for a candle. It was a sincere invitation and I knew that my prayers were answered, my dad passed away this morning, but I was not alone, I could be in synagogue.

Even more important, as part of each service during these holidays, is the mourners Kaddish/prayer which is usually done in the home as part of the shiva (usually mourning for a week after the funeral - reformed Jews sometimes shorten it to 3-5 days). Usually, 10 people must be present to say the prayer, so I couldn't do it on my own. Being in synagogue, I can think of my dad as we say it. 

On the 22nd is Kol Nidre, the Eve of Yom Kippur which is a special service about those we have lost. I have lost my grandma and my father this year. I am grateful to feel I now have a synagogue to attend where I can honor them in our faith. Perhaps this experience will be the impetus to finally affiliate me with a local synagogue!

My stepmother made the decision long ago to cremate my father. I'm not sure his wishes, but since my wishes are to be cremated, I am not fighting her. In Jewish faith, we are to be buried, but I believe we have decided a better legacy for my father that helps us feel peace and I'm more than sure is okay with God. We are donating my dad's body to cancer research. His bladder cancer spread throughout his body and in the end, killed him. They will be able to learn from him and, hopefully, be able to help others in the future. What could be more righteous a life? They will cremate his ashes and we will receive them next month.

I will then fly out there. My stepmom and I will go to Route 66. He loved taking that road. We will choose a section and let him scatter. I wanted to make something or keep some ashes, but my stepmom said, "no." I decided it was not as important to me as just being present.

It's a new year for me. A Jewish new year. It's my first new year without my dad. He died on the last day of last year. His legacy starts on the first day of this year.

For the next 30 days I wear a torn black ribbon over my heart. The ribbon is called K'riah. Only mourning children wear the ribbon over their heart according to custom. Orthodox Jews tear their clothing instead of wearing ribbons. That is where this comes from. I had to say a special prayer with the Rabbi when the ribbon was cut. ...'Dayan Ha'emet,' ..."Blessed is the Judge of Truth." According to a website I read, this is said "because as mortals, we can not understand God's decrees and judgements. Rather, all we can do is accept those judgements, and to acknowledge that God is in control of all life." 

What an amazing explanation - just like the serenity prayer... Except we all know how hard it is to accept when it comes to losing someone we care about. I will wear the ribbon, although I feel very exposed. I don't like that part. I don't really want people asking me why I'm wearing a ribbon and most of the people I know, wouldn't know the reason. It's like seeking sympathy. I know that I'm allowed to and am supposed to mourn, but it feels like a private process. The ribbon makes it very public.

Tomorrow night Sporty and I will cook a real Rosh Hashanah dinner aside from my going to synagogue. It's a good time for tradition, family, and keeping busy. 

RIP Daddy

Rest in Peace to my father who passed at 4:01 pst this morning. He was 70 years old. I am glad he is out of pain after years of struggling with bladder cancer which spread throughout his body. He was not always an easy man to love, but I am grateful to have practiced the act of forgiveness which allowed us to develop a beautiful relationship while I was an adult. I loved my daddy and will miss him and know that he loved me deeply.

A House Full of Students

It's that time of year... a new semester of school. It's hard to believe I am back at school again. So many people I started this journey with are finishing their dissertations or working on them. Some have graduated. I am pretty much where I started, just many more classes in and have a lot more knowledge. With a lot of hope, I think I can graduate in 2018. It will be a lot of work, but I believe I can.

It is not just a new semester for me, it is a new semester for everyone in my house. T.S. is back at school as a college Junior. She is consistently on the Dean's List and I could not be prouder. I would be proud even if she was not earning such top grades, but it is nice to see her work so hard and earn good grades. She takes her studies serious and I know that it pays off to work hard. She lives in a real apartment this year with roommates and is starting to learn what it is like to live like an adult. Guess we have done something right in that direction!

Sporty is also a student this semester! She is starting with a graduate certificate in Addiction Studies!! She will earn that in one year and meanwhile she is applying to MSW programs. We are all full-time students in our home now. We figured that while we live in a low cost of living community, now is the time to take these opportunities and we are doing it!

I am still working at my same graduate assistantship with a slight raise. I also am so grateful to return to a teaching/research fellowship I had before I was incarcerated!!! I started last week and it is SOOOOO good to be working with undergraduates again! Right back where I love to be! It is so fabulous because everyone knows my story and they want to work with me. Same graduate assistantship. Same fellowship. I'm just in a different program of study, but I am happy in my new program of study! I loved my independent study this summer and I'm looking forward to continuing on with it even though it is not for any more credit.

We have another full-time student in my household. You have not heard of her before. She just moved in with us from across the country and is a high school Junior. She is bright, talented, capable, and incredibly sweet, but was not necessarily highly achieving in her high school. She is very close with T.S. and we spent much of the summer with her. After a lot of talking with her and her mother, it became clear that she, I will blog her name as PennyB, would not necessarily graduate high school on time if she continued in the school and staying where she was at. So, it was an opportunity to "pay it forward..." PennyB needed a new chance in life and Sporty and I had the space and passion to offer it, we are now the guardians of PennyB.

She moved in last week and things are already going great. T.S. is so happy to have PennyB here and the two of them haven't stopped smiling since her arrival. We have PennyB registered at a top hybrid high school that she will attend 16 hours/week and do the rest online. It is an amazing program that has received the highest marks from U.S. News and World Report. I am here to help tutor and guide her. When I was young, I needed to be mentored. Now, I get to do that for someone else.

Our lives are about giving back, paying forward, recovery, and gratitude.

I had not told my P.O. in advance that PennyB had moved in. Then I did my monthly report and added her name. I was not worried. I knew that my P.O. would just look at it and smile. There's Dragonfly Hazel helping another youth... I hope I do, I hope I do... Here's to a good semester for us all!

I saw this on some social media site and loved it - so I am sharing it here! Live by it!!

Another Semester

Summer semester has officially ended and fall semester starts in just another week. Today grades posted for the independent study I took over the summer. Another good semester. 

I currently have completed 56 graduate course credits at my university - not including the deferred credits toward dissertation and, now, thesis, credits I have taken. The typical PhD program requires approximately 45 or so course credits and then maybe 24 dissertation credits before graduation. The good news is that by the end of this year, I will have already completed a full year's curriculum of the PhD criminal justice program, plus I will have most (if not all) of my required cognate (an additional required 12 credits) complete. So, there is a slight possibility that I may be able to graduate by 2018 (3 years - just 2 after my "official start!"). As long as I take summer courses, set my sights early on my dissertation topic, and do not waver too much from it.

I am also getting back in front of a classroom this semester!! I was rehired into my old fellowship where I am a co-convenor for a college course. We are called convenors because we empower the students to help design the curriculum  for the class. It's a wonderful program to work with and in addition to teaching with it, I will spend a semester doing research as well.

Of course I still have my incredible job, where we work with high school youth, helping them succeed and get into college. It's our 50th year on campus and we are planning a huge alumni event to celebrate. As the data person, I'll be doing a lot of surveys and research studies.

I also need to complete my thesis, redo my my PhD admissions stuff, take my in class and online courses, and spend time with family. 

Luckily, I'm going to take it all just one day at a time and try to not get overwhelmed! Has it really only been a year since I was writing about whether I would be admitted back into school? Waiting for that decision from admissions was agony!

Here I am. As real a student as you can find. Too much on my plate, but just enough nerd to love it! It's back to school time, actually one of my favorite times of the year (excitement for the unknown!).

Two Years

Two years ago today I self-surrendered to FMC Carswell. It feels like a lifetime ago and it still feels like yesterday. I have the two boxes I shipped home from Carswell still with me. The blanket I promised to finish had not had a single stitch added. The books that I had to bring home with me have not been touched. I shared photos with some people and I actually carry most of them around in my school backpack. I pull one out from time to time. I look at Lola, South, Freckles, Appeal, Mama, others... Some are out, some still in, some I don't know about. But it makes me think of them. They are all in my heart. I want to think of them, pray for them. They were/are still important to me even if I am unable to keep in touch.

I recently took the most amazing road trip with Sporty, TS, TS' little sister, and TS' girlfriend. It started with visiting my father who is on hospice. It's just a matter of time, but he certainly has help on a long time. The cancer is now everywhere. I was glad to spend the time with him.

The road trip took me through 12 states. I spent two nights in the state where I had lived and worked for 10 years and where my addiction had reached its peak. It is where my crime occurred and where my sentencing was given. My last three times there were always emotional and I left in tears. This time, surrounded by family, it was a real vacation. I was able to show the highlights of the state and city I called home. I visited with some of the people I still call friends and who stood by me all these years (even in the courtroom when our other friends sat on the other side) and my tears were of happiness.

I also learned something - some people who sat on the other side of the courtroom (not all, but some) have started to understand that I do have an addiction and that my behavior was not to harm them or the community. Learning this was huge to me as while I know that other people's opinions don't matter, I never had intentions to hurt others or especially my community or the organizations that I was working with!! I was sooo irrational and lost in my addiction at the time. I thank god every day that I have not placed a bet since May 5, 2008. I hope to make a difference for others to help them stop earlier than I did so they do not go down the kind of path I did!!!

I also received a message recently from someone associated slightly with my old school program. They apologized for a message they sent me prior to prison saying that they never wanted to interact with me again. They had heard the gossip and at the time made a judgement based on it. They asked me for forgiveness. I did not hesitate. I hope you will do the same if people who may not have understood your actions and may have hurt you ask for forgiveness. Remember, we hurt people and we want to be forgiven, we need to do the same back. Also, no one knows anyone's full truth. No one knows yours and you don't know theirs. Peace comes when you allow forgiveness in your heart!!!!

Two years and I’m still in school, but still have three or more years to go, a lot more calm, and close to being off supervision I hope. I still believe in paying it forward. I have not been able to hold up to everything I wanted - like keeping in touch with folks - but since I'm studying criminal justice, I know I'm going to help make a difference! 

I'll never forget that day. Survivor dropping me off. The hugs. Releasing everything to her. Knowing she would sit in that parking lot. Trying not to cry. The drive to the prison in the van. Going through processing. Meeting South. My first meal. Fear. Unmatched shoes. A bra too big. Tight undies. A view of the whole housing unit from my bed. Standing count. Sleeping "on" my made bed instead of in it. Fights. Noise. Light. Stairs. Appointments. Boredom. Confusion. No pillow. No change of clothing. And that was just the first day...

What Current Prison Policy Means to People Like Me

People are being released from prison. Obama has commuted some sentences, but even moreso, people who were sentenced under mandatory minimums are starting to get their sentences reduced because Congress passed laws that took a new look at drug crimes. Ten years for a non-violent drug offense really is too long behind bars!!!!

So, what does this mean for people like me - people like Freckles? Well, according to my P.O., the federal probation offices are about to get SWAMPED with people getting out of prison who have spent a lot of time inside. They need to reduce their loads.

Every month, a new list of people are being brought before the judge to have their federal supervision ended early. For some, it's earlier than even expected. The federal probation office needs to release the people who are doing everything right on supervision so that they can handle the new caseload. They are starting with people who had LONG federal supervision sentences - like 5-10 year federal supervision sentences (some already serving 4 years without a single violation). Those people are finally being released fully from federal supervision. Ah, real freedom!! They earned it! Still a felon, but not having to ask permission to leave the state, being able to get a passport again, and not having to check-in all the time - well, that is something!

My P.O. says that my name will be on that list soon --- "perhaps sooner than I thought." I was happy to hear those words. I hope Freckles hears those words soon too! I know her supervision started after mine, but still, I want her freedom too. I believe Lola's supervision is to start soon... I hope it doesn't have to last forever as well. As long as we keep paying our restitution, do the right next thing, stay out of trouble (which we were never in before), and give back to society, I think it's a blessing to be able to move forward with our lives.

I'm not sure when my name will be on that list and sent to the judge. I'm just grateful to know that one day, soon, I will be able to pick up the phone and tell my dad that I'm going to visit and not have to worry about getting permission for the trip.

Hi. It's Been A While.

Why have I not been writing? No good excuses except that I intend to start writing again now, so let me catch you all up with what is going on. Maybe you will understand a little bit. I say no good excuses, because excuses are just excuses, if we want to do something, we will make time to do it!

I'm working on an independent study and my thesis. I have to admit, my thesis has taken a back seat, ever since I was told to stretch it out for another year. My summer independent study has been interesting and I enjoy working with the professor.

So, in all of the, I never wrote when on July 2nd, I reached one year of being off BOP custody!!! Had I been on top of this blog, I certainly would have! I mean, that is a really big deal! One year free of custody. One year of my federal supervision. I guess to celebrate, I went to a beautiful lake town on the 4th and saw the most amazing fireworks!!! Only, I wasn't thinking about the fact that I was one year free. I wasn't thinking about the fact that July 4th was my original date of release. I had my family with me and I was enjoying the moment with them. I guess that's what one year of freedom brought me - a chance to be in the moment!!!!!

Very Interesting Article!

Why Orange is the New Black Differs from Women's Federal Prison

7 Years

Seven years ago, I walked into my first gamblers anonymous meeting. My parents begged me not to go at the time, fearing I would be admitting my wrongdoing. For me, I knew it was the only answer - GA or death. I could no longer live with the person I had become.

My last gamble was in May, 2008, but my anniversary is my first meeting after my last gamble because that is the start of my journey of recovery. Stopping gambling is not enough. I had to change my thinking, understand the underlying addiction, and meet with others who understood what I was going through. June 9th started me on my path. I have not looked back.

Seven years has significance. Not so much in the program, but in the number "7." I'm not talking "lucky number 7." That would be dangerous gambling talk. But in Jewdaism there is signifince to the number 7, and I thought I would share some of that as I considered my GA anniversary and it's important milestone for me. I also think about the fact that I'm just days away from starting my life as a married woman in this 7th year of my recovery...

Much of what I'm about to share, comes from an article written by Rabbi 

Yaakov Salomon (he wrote many more): 

In the beginning... God created 7's.

"Time contains many different entities. Nearly all of them are related to natural phenomena. Days, nights, months, seasons and years are all directly determined, in some way, by the 

constellations. There is one exception -- the week. The formulation of a week seems to be totally arbitrary. Who needs 
it? Let one day just follow the previous one. And why 7 days? The concept of a week and its constitution of 7 days is one that is strictly God-invented and human-adopted. While we may quibble about creation -- how, when, by whom, why -- the world has consensually agreed to the concept of a week."

Kabbalah teaches that 7 represents wholeness and completion. 

After 7 days, the world was complete.

Shabbat is the 7th day of the week.
When a close relative dies, we sit Shiva for 7 days.
On Sukkot we shake 7 species - 1 Lulav, 1 Esrog, 2 willows, and 3 myrtles.
Yitro, the first real convert to Judaism, had 7 different names, and 7 daughters (one who married Moses).
Moses was born and died on the same day - the 7th of Adar.
Our Sukkah huts are "visited" by 7 guests: Abraham, Isaac, Jacob, Moses, Aaron, Joseph and David.
The Menorah in the Temple had 7 branches.
Achashvarosh, King of Persia during the miracle of Purim, held a party for 7 days. 
There are 7 holidays in the Jewish year: Rosh Hashana, Yom Kippur, Sukkot, Chanukah, Purim, Passover, and Shavuot.
In addition to the 613 Commandments, the Sages added 7 more.
There are 7 Noachide Laws pertaining to all humanity.
At every Jewish wedding, 7 blessings are recited (Sheva Brachot).
Each Shabbat, 7 people are called to the Torah reading (Aliyot).
The first verse in the Torah contains 7 words.
Our Matriarch Leah had 7 children - six sons and one daughter.
There were 7 days of preparation for the construction of the Tabernacle in the desert.
Traditionally, the bride circles the groom 7 times under the Chuppah (wedding canopy).
We wind the Tefillin straps around the arm 7 times.
Moses was the 7th generation after Abraham.
Each plague in Egypt lasted 7 days.
In Pharaoh's dreams there were 7 cows and 7 stalks of grain. 
The Biblical contamination period typically lasts 7 days. 
God created 7 levels of heaven. (Hence the expression, "I'm in 7th heaven!")
On Shabbat and holidays, we recite 7 blessings in the silent Amidah.
The world has 7 continents.
The 7 weeks of the Omer correspond to the 7 "sefirot," the 7 behavior traits in which we serve God: kindness, strength, 
beauty, triumph, splendor, foundation, and kingship.
Noah sent the dove and the raven out of the Ark for 7 days to inspect the weather conditions. 
The Jewish New Year of Rosh Hashana occurs in the 7th month -- Tishrei.
There are 7 notes on the musical scale.
We dance 7 circles (hakafot) on the holiday of Simchat Torah.
The smallest allowable dimension of a Sukkah is 7 by 7 handbreadths.
The world has 7 seas.
Joshua led the Jewish People around the walls of Jericho 7 times before the walls fell.
Jacob worked for Laban for 7 years (twice) in order to marry his daughters.
The Holy Temple contained 7 gates of entry.
We recite 7 blessings every day before and after the "Shema" -- 3 in the morning and 4 at night.
The Talmud lists 7 female prophets: Sarah, Miriam, Deborah, Hannah, Avigail, Chuldah, and Esther.
A Jewish servant regains freedom in the 7th year. 
We conclude our Yom Kippur prayers by proclaiming 7 times, "The Lord is God!"
A Jewish wedding is followed by 7 days of celebration.

----////

Okay, that is enough copying of the rabbi's interesting words about the number 7. Now for my reflection. Completeness.

Wholeness.

I will say that I am a much more complete person today than I was seven years ago. I am able to address all areas of my life today openly and honestly. I balance my emotional, physical, mental, and spiritual needs best I can. In recovery, we like to say that it is a road, not a resting place. So, it will never be fully "complete," but in the sense of a 7 that repeats itself, I think this first 7 years has been a good journey.

I have visited three of the seven continents. I shall set a goal to set foot on the other four over the next seven years. Okay, 1-2 may be super difficult to get to, so perhaps my goal will be to visit at least two new continents in my next seven years of recovery and all seven during my first 21 years of recovery (multiples of seven)! I have seen 3 of the 7 natural wonders of the world, I'd like to see all seven- another 7 not already on the above list!

On a more serious note, it also happens to be not 7, but 8, months since my grandmothers passing. we are spending a day in June with relatives at the gravesite doing the blessings over her tombstone and laying her officially to rest next to the love of her life - my grandfather. My grandfather believed in "7's." He used to tell me how important 7's were because he saw me every 7 days (we had dinner as a family every Friday night). 

Today, I privately celebrated my seven years. On Friday night, I will announce it at my meeting. I asked a friend to pick me up a seven year GA coin because I like to carry my anniversary coin in my wallet. Just for me. Brings me a smile. I have my other six. My recovery program counting my days free from gambling and working on doing the best I can one day at a time. I can always do better. I try. 

I still remember day one like it was yesterday. I never want to forget that pain. I never want to ever go back there. In the beginning, God created 7's... Today, he/she helped me reach mine!

Six More Months of Federal Supervision?

I heard back from my P.O. yesterday. We had a nice conversation. He wants me to come in and fill out the travel authorization paperwork again with the details of my honeymoon. I am already authorized for the trip, but he needs to know where I will be everyday and every night. So, we have a date on Friday for me to come in. Yay. I knew he was missing me!

I always want to check in with him when I am doing anything major. He said that it is a good policy. I want to be on the up and up with him as my goal is to not hold anything back and seem to be doing anything weird or funny as I am trying to get off supervision. He appreciated that. I always think the best policy is being an open book with my P.O. so he knows that I am not hiding anything - even if I am just telling him too much... Keeps him off my back.

As for my possibility of release, he said I was too early in asking. I knew that, as it hasn't even been a year. Next month is one year. He did say that they were working on releasing people early just this week, though. He will welcome a call from me after July, though. Not in July, but after... He said, perhaps before the holidays... So, maybe, by December I will be off supervision! He once again said, there is a private process I can go through. I can call my attorney and start a process after a year. That magical attorney that I have on retainer. I explained that I am a graduate student and I will not be having some attorney go to court asking for my supervision to be reduced. I will be asking him to go to court on my behalf. It may take longer, and it is a process, but I intend to stay on him.

He told me to just keep doing what I am doing. Stay going to my GA meetings. Don't be using drugs or get drunk (like I ever do - ha!). Don't get into any trouble. I don't plan on it! Just stay the course and I should see myself off of supervision within 18 months.

So, for those of you facing federal supervision, do the right things. You may not get off supervision at a year, but you will probably get off early. Just do what you are asked to do. I'll keep you updated, as always. Stay clean. Do the right next thing. Take it all one day at a time.

One Year

I've been out of prison a year. In that time, I had the shortest stay possible at a halfway house, a month of home confinement, fought my way back into graduate school, been successful on federal supervision, attended many GA meetings and conferences, survived a wrongful accusation at school, moved, adopted a new puppy, written hundreds of posts, rebuilt relationships, been challenged, grown emotionally, changed my diet, started vlogging, seen a myriad of doctors, laid my grandmother to rest, nearly lost my father again, found strength I didn't know I had, leaned on others, helped others, etc. It has been quite a year!

I've certainly learned what friendship really means. Every relationship in my life has shifted and is valued more. 

I really work on my judgments of others, as I do not want to be judged! I do my best to try to understand first, hearing both sides, except where there is violence. I have a hard time when physical/sexual violence is involved.

I'm also a pretty open book. I tell my story openly. I don't want a double life ever again, so it's just so much easier not fearing the truth. This is me! I am a felon. I am a compulsive gambler in recovery. My job now is to help others like me and pay forward all the advice and gifts given my way.

I still have prison dreams. Not often, but they happen. They are not realistic. I'm okay with them. It's always good to be reminded of where you never want to return. I did not need to go there to keep me from gambling again or from doing something illegal, but going there opened my eyes to a very unforgiving world that few people really understand and so many people get lost within. My hope is to do something about that!

This summer I am doing an independent study with a professor. We are writing a paper around sexuality and gender in the women's prison system. Right now, I am reading everything I can find around transgender inmates at women's prisons, as well as anything academic on same-sex sexuality and relationships. Based on my observations compared to what I'm academically reading, there may be a big gap between what academics think is happening and what really is. Could be interesting to explore further.

So, one year. One year of comfortable sleep. No chasing medications. Driving a car. Work I love. Wearing my own clothes. Money in my pocket. Hugging people when I want. Using a smart phone. Cooking on a stove. Not seeing barbed wire. Using the restroom when I want. No standing count. Not paying for every minute I write on here. Spending time with loved ones. One year!!!

Thank you all for being a part of this last year too! Thank you for continuing to read this blog, and making comments when you do! I love my community and you all are a part of it!!! Who knows what year two will be?!? My hope is that I will be getting off supervision. I'll just take it one day at a time!!!

Grades

Last semester was one of my worst semesters academically since I've been back in graduate school. Instead of A's, B's and C's, my university gives 4.0, 3.5, 3.0, 2.5, 2.0, etc for grades. I've never received lower than a 3.0, well, I received my first and only 3.0 that first semester back - last semester. Whether I'd deserved what felt like a low grade for my work in the class was neither here nor there, it was on my transcript and I was not about to fight the grade. So this semester, with all the drama, the emotional issues, and my health setbacks, plus let us not forget I was in statistics... I was curious about what my grades may be. I wasn't concerned about any 3.0 grades. I knew I was doing okay. Seeing my 4.0s in my classes for this semester, though, truly gave me a smile.

I am not a straight 4.0 student. I never was and I've never strived to be one. I am not and also will never claim to be all that intelligent. I am capable and intelligent enough. I work hard, though.  I was never that student where everything came easy, and it's even harder now because my memory is worse than ever. I will study for days for a test and in multiple ways. My longer term memory is much better than my short term memory.

As a kid, I was in the middle of being an accelerated kid and not. They would promote me to the accelerated classroom because I'd be ahead of the regular classroom, but I'd fall behind the accelerated kids. I never studied hard as a kid. I was not well motivated then.

I have never scored very high on standardized tests. I do alright - high enough to get in to decent schools, but I've never tried to get into the most competitive schools and my scores would have been barriers. Yet, I can tutor people to get great scores, and they do. Always a better coach, than a player!

My average GPA at my undergrad was alright, not great. I had too much "life" going on to fully concentrate on school at times. My law school didn't give grades, but evaluations, I did fine.

Applying to grad schools I've always been very successful, even at very selective schools. That, I believe, has a bit to do with my academics and scores (they open doors), but much more with my essays, resume, and my story of who I am and what I hope to accomplish.

So, what is this blog entry really about? It's about the fact that ultimately grades do not matter. If I am learning or doing my best, I can ask nothing more of myself. I've been given many opportunities in life without a perfect ACT score or GRE score or LSAT score. I've had a less than perfect GPA and still have been accepted to top five programs in the country. This is not to toot my horn, it is to tell you, or your kids, that IT IS OKAY to get a B once in a while or in my case a 3.0 in a class. Your success is based on who you ARE as a PERSON and not on what some numbers say about you. Never give up on yourself or think yourself less intelligent because you don't have perfect grades.

If you always were to get perfect grades, why go to school? School is for learning, not already knowing everything! It's about improving.

Yes. I was happy to see I did well in my classes this semester. They were tough courses - especially stats. Not every semester's grades have been so successful and that's okay too.

An Emotional Year of School

It's my week between classes. The official academic year ended Friday and summer session starts next week. I have a lot of catching you up on. Some you know, some not so much...

I think this last academic semester would have to be one of my most challenging academically and emotionally. I'm sure some of my law school quarters were just as academically challenging, but that was a long time ago, so I don't remember. I can say, that I enjoyed the academic challenge of it, though, and I think I did alright in the end. I should know tomorrow.

I've learned a lot this year inside and outside the classroom. My need for my GA program is stronger than ever. Last week I attended an out of state conference and experienced some amazing fellowship. I had the privilege and humbling opportunity to be both a workshop presenter and a closing speaker. Telling part of my story to a room of GA and GAM-ANON peers gave me so much energy, although I think there wasn't a dry eye in the room when I was done. I'll have to work on that! I need to end in a joke or something! Ha!! I love public speaking...

A year ago this month, I was on a fence wondering if I was going to go home on my home confinement date or not. Every day, I was at my case worker's office for updates. Would I be approved for halfway house? Did they ever get my papers? Right now, I lay in my nice comfy bed and reflect on a tough year of growth, and I am grateful for the experiences. They may not have all been pleasant, but I made my way through them. I did not do anything I am ashamed of along the way. I am doing the best I can at the life being a human. I'm proud to have made it through another year of graduate school.

No More Tax Refunds

Sorry I've been so absent. Between how I've been feeling and our big move, I really have not had any energy. I know I've been bad to you all and I apologize. Today, though, I certainly have something to share that I think others in my position would want to know, so I am writing once again - YAY!!! Plus, I miss you all!

I filed my taxes well in advance of the deadline and anticipated a decent refund, given how little I earned over the 2014 year. It would have been used for the right types of expenses and perhaps some of my restitution as well, although it was not that sizable. Since I already pay 10% of my gross income, I have already paid on these funds. Anyway, after filing, the IRS site went through their typical processing and about 2 1/2 weeks later my taxes had been processed and I was told to expect my deposit on approximately 4/15/2015. Sounded good. Having it right around our move was a perfect time for a little influx of funds.

The deposit did not come, however. It did not come the next day either. The site said that if the funds were not deposited by 4/20/15, to check back. So I did. That's today. This is what it says:

"Your refund has been applied to a past due obligation such as child support, another federal agency debt, or state income tax. The Financial Management Service, who issues IRS refunds, will send you a notice informing you of the reduction..."

Well... okay! Just after my release from prison, I filed my 2013 taxes. I received a refund then too. I was given that refund. I do not know if all my federal refunds will now be held, or if they will pick and choose. I do owe restitution and this is one way to get more funds back, I suppose. I don't know if this is done to all federal individuals who owe restitution or just some of us. I know many people who owe like 10x more than me. I wonder if their taxes are held. I do not know.

I am not angry in the least bit, although it would have been nice to know that this was going to happen so that I was not anticipating a tax refund. I wonder still who receives the funds of my restitution and I wonder how long it will be for whomever it is to receive these funds which will have to exchange a boatload of hands first.

So, if anyone is facing similar, it's good to be aware that you may, or you may not, have your tax refunds withheld. Only time will tell if this is a permanent reality. I'll keep you all informed. This is certainly one of those things that I'm glad I have my serenity prayer for - accept the things I cannot change...

Official Mail from FMC Carswell

It has been ten months since I left FMC Carswell. So today, when I received an official piece of mail from the facility, I was only joking when I said to Sporty, "maybe they are finally sending me back my social security card and birth certificate..." Well, lo and behold, I open the official envelope and what do I find inside? My birth certificate and social security card!!!

The last time I saw those two documents, they were sitting on my case worker's desk in an envelope sent by Survivor. I had seen them on the same desk, in the same pile three weeks earlier. Both times, I reminded her to put it in my folder, as I would need the documents for my release and halfway house. They never made it to my folder. I wonder where they have sat for the last ten months!?!?!? Did they ever make it off my case worker's desk prior to being sent home to me?

I was literally looking up all the details of having to get my new social security card just this last week. I was worried that I may need my birth certificate for my marriage license and I would have definitely need a replacement when I could finally replace my passport. I was lucky that I didn't need my social security card for my current job since I had already worked there in the past, but I wouldn't have been so lucky in the future.

I was told nonstop that I needed these two documents prior to my release. Survivor worked her butt off to get me the documents. She had to send them directly to my case worker. My case worker never did her job with them and I never actually needed them - that's not to say you wouldn't - just that I didn't - and now, 10 months later, I finally have them back. Well, if I'm going to get official mail from FMC Carswell, I'm glad it wasn't them telling me they have a room waiting for me or anything. I'm happy to have my paperwork back. At least they didn't claim to have "lost" it or anything. I guess I officially exist once again!