Freckles, RDAP, and Going Home

As I get ready to do my last group with TDAT - that's the aftercare for the Residential Drug and Alcohol Program (RDAP) that I did in Carswell, I'm a little bit in thought about what people have "advised" me of along the way and how I'm glad in some instances I did not listen to them.

As far as the RDAP drug program goes, I was told "don't under any circumstances do it," some prior to self surrendering and others while at Carswell. It's not worth the time off (I got a 9 month reduction and with halfway house my 33 months turned into only 12 at the institution), the program here at Carswell is way too hard you'll hate it and after you release you have to do this aftercare thing - why would you want to do that.  

Well, after my 9 months in the program and 8 months in after care - I'm extremely happy I did it. Another 9 plus months in the institution would've been ok for me but devastating for my family.  The after care is 3 hours of your time per week - in the whole scheme of things not a big deal and I did learn some valuable things about myself and how to deal with others - which in my eyes we can always learn something. Dragonfly Hazel was a big help through all of this - she knew times I was struggling and took her GA experiences and gave me great advice and the biggest piece that helped me every day is that I will not use everything the program throws at me - take what I need and discard the rest. And that's exactly what I did and used it as a huge learning experience.

Why would you go to the HH when it's in the ghetto? Just max out and then you are done with the BOP. That truly sounded like a logical plan - my pre prison self was horrified of even going near where the HH is located let alone having to basically live down there for 5 months before my home confinement date. But again, I'm glad I did it. Think about it - I was extremely afraid and nervous going into prison. I survived and made the best out of a very bad situation. You get comfortable and have a routine so people are uneasy leaving that behind. But the HH is a new chapter, a new uneasy feeling that you too will get over and settle in once again to a routine. The biggest thing that I did not realize while in prison was the toll that my incarceration put on my family. You have it easy in there - 3 hots and a cot so to speak. My husband struggled with keeping everything together with a business and 4 rescue dogs. My sister and mom were horrified that I was going through something like Locked Up that you see on TV. So all those times you call singing the blues and wanting money on your books and being a flat out entitled brat - stop it, you have it easy on the inside. You put yourself there - don't make it any worse on your family than you have to. And being at the HH you have a lot more freedoms than you did in prison - you'll get over the uneasy, horrified feeling (remember I cried my first night there wanting to go back to Texas).

All in all, it's been a ride, another chapter of the white collar girl from the burbs meets prison. As the halfway house peeps call me - Martha Stewart - well, I made it. I've grown and become a better person because of it. Thanks to everyone I've met along the way who helped me grow and become who I am. I've found "friends" in very unsuspecting places - yes even in the ghetto :) And now I'm off - with treats for my group who had endured me for 8 months. I'm sad my friend Vak and Man In the Mirror can't be there with me today - but know they'll be there in spirit. Vak is done and MIM has to work....

----Freckles

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Don't worry, Freckles will still be writing updates! I am so very proud of her growth as she has gone through her drug and alcohol program and life at the halfway house. I have never understood why anyone would want to stay in prison longer than necessary. Then again, I too was in for a rude awakening when I was at the reality of a halfway house. We need to change the the way programming happens while people are locked up. Freckles had one experience because programming was available. I had another because it was not. Yet, two women with fraud charges and addiction backgrounds- just different kinds of addictions. Something to think about.

I'm throwing a mini party for Freckles today although she's many states away from me. I'm going to a GA meeting and I'll dedicate my therapy in her honor. I'm not sure how I would have gotten through Carswell without our daily breakfasts. She was my daily laugh, sometimes cry, intellectual, and always confidante. I miss her. I'm so proud of her. Welcome to home confinement Freckles!!!!! You did it!!!! 🎉🎉🎉🎉🎉

Divorced Parents

I always envy those divorced parents who are still friendly and can be friends after the chaos of separation. I have a friend whose parents still spend holidays together. There is her and her son, her mom and step- father, and her dad. Her step-mom used to be there too, but she passed away a few years back unexpectedly. Her mom and her dad are still best friends, but they just were not meant to "be together." Wow, how adjusted is that family?!?

I supposed my family is much more typical. My mom and dad never speak. My dad happened to live across the street and about a dozen houses down from where my mom lives before moving to another state, and my mom never knew he lived so close by. Their spouses hate one another. Everyone bad mouths each other. They complained to my sister and I about one another from the time of their separation until present. Nothing has been amicable.

The hardest part is when there is a celebration or a funereal that forces them into the same place. High school and college graduations they could sit separately, so the difficulty was on my sister and I having to try to make them both happy separating our time in celebrations. Out of town graduations, especially my law schools graduation, got sketchy, due to my step-mom saying something nasty about my mom to my grandpa. Keeping them apart is really important.

We've had a couple funerals lately and after 20+ years of divorce, you'd think things would be calmer, but the stress is still there. Mostly on my maternal side. I think because of protecting my sister, who has not had a relationship with my father in 17 years. Complicated family relationships.

Just this morning I learned that the cancer has spread to his eye and nose. So now my realization is that I don't even know if he will be able to be there and if he is, what kind of condition he will be in. One year ago, I was told his cancer was a death sentence. It had spread to his brain. Then we'd been given so many mixed messages. He's now had it in his bladder, brain, hip, eye, and nose. My poor dad. I love him and I care about him and I pray he will be able to be at my wedding. Most of all, though, I just pray for his health. The weekend of my sisters wedding he asked me if he will be included in my wedding because he wasn't in hers, and I said, "yes," so if that's what he wants then Dad, please have the strength to be here. Most of all, have the strength to FIGHT CANCER!!!!

Having divorced parents that do not get along can be difficult, but I choose to look within myself to figure out what I need to do in my relationships. I honestly understand that my sister has hurt feelings for a reason, my mom does as well. I love both of them. I chose to rebuild my relationship with my father for my own reasons. I will never forget the past, but I do practice forgiveness.

Right now I is the time to practice prayers.

My Lower Extremities

I'm part of a research study. I'm not the researcher, but the one being researched. At the local medical school, they asked for volunteers of people with chronic health issues to pair up with first year medical students so that the students could learn about issues patients face in medical care. It's really cool! I guess I'm one of the more interesting volunteers and much younger than most.

About once a month, two young medical students come over and spend an hour with me. They ask questions, but mostly it's a conversation. I tell them stories of the medical care I've received - doctors advice that worked, bad stories, having to teach my own docs, things like that. This last week, they asked a question that stuck with me, though, what worries me health wise in the future? I couldn't lie. It's my lower extremities.

Prior to my diagnosis and possibly connected or not, I've had six ACL related surgeries on my right knee. The last one was great and my knee seems to be working great, but there is arthritis from all the surgeries and a lack of meniscus. That I can live with.

The real problem is my pain and problems on a daily basis with my lower extremities in general. The worst is from just below my knees to my Achilles and ankles. It's also in my hips. In the past, I've had to use a cane to help me walk. Some days, I'm a good walker, but then I realize that even on my good days, when I think I'm walking good, I'm still limping along way slower than even the slowest walkers. Yet, these are the good days.

So, my worry for the future is that my legs won't hold up. No matter how much I try to stay active, my legs for some reason will not let me. I'm eating healthier. I'm moving more (still wear my Fitbit). I see my doctors. I take my medications. Yet, I'm only 42 years old. If I have this much pain and discomfort now, what will it be like 5-10 years or 25 years from now? I don't want to be in a wheelchair or have to use a walker as a young woman.

Well, that was my answer... But then I came back to reality. Today, I can walk! Today, I don't need to use any aids to help me. Today, I have choices. I had to answer their question and I answered it honestly, but I cannot live in the fears of a future where anything could happen. A medication could come along and make me feel better, I may start feeling like I did last spring again sometime soon (I hope), anything is possible.

Sure there is always fear of the worse to happen in the future, but there are hopes as well. I will concentrate on those instead. For today, I will walk.

Freckles Prepares for FREEDOM!!!

I'm getting ready to enter my last week of home confinement and my last week under halfway house supervision. I release from BOP custody on Monday, March 30th - so I will be at the halfway house at midnight to sign my discharge paperwork and they will fax it over and by 12:05am I will be walking out a free woman. When I first got to the halfway house I couldn't imagine going there at midnight to do all of this - why not wait until the morning? Well, after 8 months of this, I will be there with bells and whistles on before the clock strikes midnight ready to go. Now you may get phone calls after you release, so don't be surprised. Vak got two days of phone calls (midnight and 7am ones) and also a call saying he needed to report or the Marshal's would be notified. So again, nothing can shock me anymore.

I have met with my PO 3 times already. She was the same PO I had on pretrial. She came down to the halfway house the first week I arrived to say "Hi" and see how I was doing. I went down to her office about two months ago and a few weeks ago she popped in. I'm glad that I have her - she has seen me at my worst during pretrial - an entitled, white collar criminal who doesn't deserve to go to prison with a huge attitude. To someone now who was greatly humbled and changed by her experience. She noted the difference and even gave me a hug and was glad to see me. But don't be alarmed if you haven't heard from your PO yet. There is another inmate preparing to release 10 days after me and hasn't even heard from her PO. So again, I don't think there is a specific procedure for them.

I have been emailed some forms to have ready for my PO - she is coming for a house visit on 4/1 to do what they call my "intake". One of the forms is the financial forms - unlike Dragonfly, my monthly restitution was not set by my judge during my sentencing so we now have to come up with that amount and it will start in May. There is another questionnaire that is a psychological behavior based 80 question rate from 1-5 - questions like "I do whatever it takes to get what I want",  "I have helped out friends and family with money that was obtained illegally", "I often have thoughts of hurting myself" - and on and on. Pretty interesting - and again, the one thing this experience has taught me is don't give them too much information - it can sink you. To me, the past is my past, so if I did help out friends with illegally obtained money, so be it - I'm basing it on who I am now or what I would do now which is none of the above including "thinking it's okay to break the law in certain circumstances" - because yes we've all done it - something as simple as jaywalking or speeding because we are late. Am I telling her that - heck no.

I had my last one on one with my caseworker at the HH. It's amazing how now my weekly "notes" in my case file are getting more detailed and much longer. I've had to sign a form stating if I applied or didn't apply for healthcare now that I'm leaving BOP custody. I've had to provide past phone bills that they have misplaced to verify my land line for home confinement. And a survey on how my experience at the HH was. Yes they will get their survey along with an attachment detailing out things they need to hear and a copy will go to the Regional CCM. I have paid my last subsistence, I do get paid again on Friday the 27th, but they will not see that since I'm done. Time does go fast - so I'm now getting ready for another chapter and enter the probation stage. But good news, of my 36 months my PO said likely I will release after 18 and it does not matter that I will still owe restitution it's based on you and your behaviors, so keep your nose clean and fly under the radar at all times - it all follows you out of prison and the halfway house.

-----Freckles
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I pray that Freckles finds her initial time of freedom wonderful and serene!!! Congratulations Freckles!!! Keep up the good work!

I also hope my PO sees it fit to release me from my supervision after 12-18 months, as Freckles' PO is inclined to do for her. As you can read between Freckles' experiences and mine, there are so many differences just between our two. You can't base anything on someone else's experience. Just go about doing your best and hope for positive outcomes.