Doing Right for our Kids

I've mentioned before, I think, that I don't have any biological kids of my own. It's a long story on why that is. However, I love kids and I've helped raise some kids over the years. One of these kids, T.S., is the closest thing to a daughter I will ever have. I'm incredibly proud of her. She is bright, kind, giving, helpful, and not trying to be too grown up before she has to be. She is 18 years old and about to go to college. She was admitted to many universities, but she wanted to go where I am, before any of us knew that I would be going to prison, so she selected to go out of state to my university to start her studies.

I made T.S. a lot of promises I cannot keep now that I'm going to prison. I'd told her that I would take her out to dinner once a week. I told her that she could enjoy a bath once in a while in my bath tubs (the residence halls only have showers and she loves baths). I told her I would help purchase her school books. I told her I could take her places. I told her I would help get stuff for her dorm room. I told her many things, but most importantly, I told her I WOULD BE HERE FOR HER! Now I won't be.

T.S. is fairly mature, having gone through more than her share of life events at a young age, but she is still 18 and when someone who is a parent figure in your life makes promises (even if they don't say the word promise) we cannot let them down. Not if we want any chance of coming back to a positive relationship after prison.

First, I've never lied to T.S. Since she was old enough to understand, she's known that I could be arrested at some point and why.

Second, when I realized I was going to prison, I spoke honestly with T.S. and hoped she could understand. She said she did, and most young people will claim to.

Third, I found surrogates to fill my roles with all of my promises. Granted, her mom has to fill some of them, but my friends offered their bathtub, multiple friends of mine friended T.S. on Facebook and told me that if T.S. needs anything while I am gone, they will help her out. I met a professor who can help her find tutoring if she needs it. Her cousin already promised her to help with decorating her dorm room. T.S. is going to be well taken care of in my absence. At 18, and soon to be 19, years old, at least that care doesn't have to be 24/7.

I write about this because we can't forget about the promises we made to our kids or the children in our lives. They may depend on those promises. Our lives are upside down, but don't take it out on the innocent ones being left behind. Knowing they are still living their lives in the best possible way should bring you some happiness while doing your time.

Independence Day

Yes, July 4th has come and gone for this year. For me, I had a nice day. I spent it with Sporty, we mostly organized things around my home and then went and found a random place to eat tacos from a mobile truck and watch the city fireworks overhead. It was actually quite perfect. I haven't really been in much of a festive mood but that night just kind of fell together the right way.

In this blog, though, I'm not talking about that Independence Day, I'm talking about the other one, the day of freedom, the day we are released from prison. I was curious exactly how "good time" was calculated. I was told that my sentence of one year and a day made me eligible for good time resulting in 10 months. I was curious how that was calculated.

Turns out that it actually has some controversy, as the DOP calculates it as less time off than the statute originally intended. What it turns out to calculate to is the following days of imprisonment for every 356 days sentenced:

319 days

It is 319 days from the start date to the end date, but not including the end date

Or 10 months, 15 days excluding the end date

Alternative time units

319 days can be converted to one of these units:

27,561,600 seconds

459,360 minutes

7656 hours

319 days

45 weeks (rounded down)

I was thinking I might have difficulty tracking days of the week inside, I promise I will not be tracking hours, minutes, or seconds! It is interesting to know that given my sentence, those are my exact number of days though - 319!

So, I decided to use a date calendar and see what my proposed day of independence would be. There are a lot of free websites that allow you to put in dates and calculate the number of days between. So, I put the start at 8/19 and kept moving around the end date. I thought that my 10 months would end in June, but 45 weeks is actually longer than 10 months. It is 10 months 15 days.

Wouldn't you know it... 319 days from the day I self surrender - July 4, 2014. I suppose next years Independence Day and each one after "may" have an extra special meaning! I'm not sure if they will actually release someone on a federal holiday, but that's the date, I kid you not.

Laughter and Privilege

I wonder whether this has happened to others. You get all nervous. Sit down to tell someone your story. At the end, tell them you are going to prison. And they LAUGH. They can't help it. It is the last thing they can ever imagine coming out of your mouth.

I will certainly not fit anyone's stereotype of a felon or prison inmate. That does not make the experience any less real for me. The laughter goes through me almost like nails on a chalk board, I've just trusted someone with something so deep and terrifying and their laughter makes it into a joke. I know they don't mean it that way. They literally do not believe me.

It makes me think of life after prison just a bit. I will have the good fortune of people giving me the benefit of the doubt and opportunities because of who I am, what I look like, and my education. Others will not be so lucky, they will wear their felony decree like a tattoo etched on their forehead where people do not give them a break because of racism, ignorance, and cycles of poverty. People will not laugh at them about their felony, they assume the felony. It is such a sad society we live in.

This is one of the many reasons I will do my best at acceptance throughout my prison stay. I've had so much privilege in my life for the mere fact of the color of my skin or the community I was raised in. Many people I will be imprisoned with have never had one day of that reality of privilege in their life. I am no better than anyone there. I committed my crime, where some of them could be innocent. The racism in our judicial system is vast and I even studied it in law school. 

I'm not saying that everyone in prison is innocent, I'm just saying that privilege gave me one year and a day, where someone else could have been sentenced to two years. Privilege gave me five years to get well before being charged, where someone else would have been arrested immediately. Privilege is allowing me to self surrender, where someone else would be held in custody. Privilege allowed me to travel internationally one month before my sentencing, where someone else would have had to turn in their passport earlier.

The purpose of this blog - be aware of your privilege if you have some - because the other inmates certainly will be!

Signs of Stress

There is no way around it, neither meditation, nor candy, nor prayer, nor distraction, nor getting things done, ... It is just there... STRESS. I've had a lot of stress over the years in my life, but I'm seeing the signs of it right now as if it is close to its worst. Of course, I could just blame my memory issues on my health, but it's probably due to that ugly word stress!

Yesterday, I rode my scooter, Hope, all the way home and was locked out of my house, having locked my keys inside my office on campus. Today I was riding Hope to campus and for the first time ever in any vehicle I've ever driven, ran out of gas! In 92 degree heat!! I tried to start walking Hope home, but the hills & my bad health got the better of me. I posted on Facebook my predicament and had a rescue response in less than a minute (although I had to wait more than 40 minutes in the heat for her to appear with the one gallon of gas).

I wonder if others find themselves being forgetful during these days just before self-surrender. It is certainly difficult at times to have my head "in the game." It is not an excuse, though. I was more than an hour late to work today (and had to ask the office manager to let me in my office since my office keys were also locked inside my office).

I lie in silence a lot, clear my head, think of nothing, and try to stay in that state of relaxation without falling asleep. I feel outwardly more anxiety than stress. But perhaps that anxiety is just a symptom of  the stress.

In the end, I suppose, everyone would say that it is perfectly normal to feel stress at this time. We are going through a huge life change. We are going to an unknown, where we have little control, if any. However, we must find ways to maintain our sanity, our memory, and our health best we can. I'm still searching on my magic way, although riding Hope certainly is one.

Weather and Clothing

I decided to look up the average temperatures in Fort Worth. They certainly have the four seasons, even though they are south, although the winters will be milder than up in the north. It has been weird to think about going somewhere and packing nothing for the trip. With the weather what it is in Fort Worth, I would want a bit of my entire wardrobe. I love to wear layers, but only shorts and a t-shirt to sleep because I get warm. In prison, so many of these choices will be made for me.

I really do not enjoy cold weather, icy ground, or being in the snow. I like seeing it from the warmth of my home (or by a fire place). I do not walk super well and ice makes me nervous (in Jan 2012, I slipped on ice and tore my right knee ACL for the third time). I'm pretty much a klutz! I don't think there will be many icy days at the prison.

As for my clothing, I wonder how comfortable the prison garb is. I will certainly buy the t-shirts and long sleeve shirts to allow for layers (and sweats). At least I'm comfortable in khaki. One outfit for ten months, no fun socks or shoes, I'm not saying I'm a girlie girl by any means, but I will miss being able to look outside at the weather and deciding what I want to wear for the day.

Balance of Character

My public defender had me write my life story for her. I suppose it was cathartic, but it took me months. It was painful and very difficult. My big question was how to write myself as a whole person - someone who was not all good or all bad. I certainly did very good things in my life, and given my current predicament, I did some very bad things as well. How could I write something that could achieve this balance of character. Perhaps allow this stranger, my attorney, who lived in a different state than I did so only knew me through phone calls and emails, to care about who I was and understand my addiction. It was important, probably only to me, that my life story give some insight. I am not a psychologist, but anyone reading my life story should be able to put enough pieces together to be able to say, "oh, I kinda get it now." I'll give you an example as an excerpt from my first time in a casino:

"It was during the same senior year [of college] that I first went to a casino. One had opened about 45 minutes [away] and a couple friends and I decided to check it out. I immediately got a rush just by being inside the casino – the lights, the sounds, and the people. I was just 21 years old and I was fascinated. I didn’t have a lot of money, being a student and all, but that didn’t stop me from trying out the slot machines. I was not secure in my card playing or in understanding the rules of the table games, so slot machines seemed the best way to go – put money in, pull the right arm (the machines were not computerized yet), and hope for a win. Well, wouldn’t you know that a bit into pulling the arm I would win a jackpot - $1,250. The bells and whistles blew to tell the entire casino that someone had won. My friends were amazed and I’d never had so much money in my hands in my entire life. I can honestly say that I was hooked already. This was fun. This was easy. This was a way to have the money to do the things I only dreamt of doing. I returned the next day with my friends – as I put us up in a motel nearby. I wanted to hear the bells and whistles again."

I was there with such innocence, yet, already could not just walk away with a win. Why am I blogging about this today? Because we are such complicated people. We can not be simply defined by terms of all good or all bad, although if you read my earlier posts I will beg to differ on your belief that you are a "bad" person. I was and am not a bad person, even though many people believe I am because I hurt them, lied to them, was doing bad things during my time of addiction. But reading that short excerpt above, I'm not sure of how much choice I had, even at the beginning, my first time in my first casino. A big win at the time. Taken by the lights and sounds. My ability to be a big shot with money suddenly. Kind of makes sense for the same kind of rushes that get people in trouble around all kinds of crimes and addictions.

I thank my higher power every day that I am able to say, "I'm not going to gamble today," and know that I can be true to that statement. I don't think I'm any less complicated a person, though, than the one that I needed to present to my attorney. Anyone who seems to present themselves as not conflicted at times, is probably not showing their true self.

Getting Those Words Out of Your Head

One of the things I find so common among almost anyone who has struggled with an addiction of any type is the negative self talk. I don't think we developed it on our own. It came from others, judging us, and our believing those words. We may never tell anyone, but inside our heads we believe we are, "stupid," "ugly," "selfish," "unworthy," "a mistake," "broken," "fat," "not good enough," "retarted," "dumb," "worthless," "a failure," "useless," etc. Sure, as kids we were all called some of those names, but some of us were called them by maybe the wrong people or too many times or somehow, we just started to believe them.

I carried around many of these words with me much of my life. Even my over-achievements couldn't help me lose the words "stupid" or "unloved" from my head. They were so ingrained, that I felt like each time I had success, I was an imposter who did not deserve the success I was earning. 

These are not the only reasons people become addicts. But my self loathing certainly did not help.

I write about this because it is possible that people are throwing these kinds of words at you now, due to your crime or the fact that you will be in prison. You must remember that you are worthy of love. Do not "own" other people's opinions of you. Ever. You must find your way to understand what got you in trouble, work through the self-esteem issues you have, and build a stronger character. 

You may have done a stupid act, but that doesn't make you "stupid." You may have lost your family, but that doesn't make you "unlovable." You may have broken the law, but that doesn't make you "broken." 

Creating Opportunities

My last post was about a family member that had not responded to any communication by me in weeks. Wouldn't you know it that I received the kindest email from her today? She told me that she would absolutely visit me (not my step-brother or the kids, which is fine), but that she would. Which is exactly what I wanted. I'd jumped to a conclusion and all she needed was time. We have to remember to give our loved ones the time they need.

Another thing we need to be able to accept is that people who care about us often feel powerless over our situation. They want to "fix" it, but there is no magic pill. We must do our time. We must face the consequences of our actions. They must allow us to face the unknown and scary and they cannot take that away from us. However, we can help by creating some easy opportunities for our family and friends to assist us from the "outside." 

My friend Survivor is taking on my finances while I am gone. She and I were talking this afternoon about the fact that some friends have spoken to her about sending some funds my way during my time at Carswell. The generosity of my friends is unbelievable, many of them need every penny they earn, and yet here they are offering to assist me while I am in prison. I am doing my best to save up for all my basic needs. Of course it would be nice to have some of the nicer commissary items, but they are not necessities and I am hopefully only in for 10 months at the longest. So, we were talking about other ways my friends can feel like they are supporting me.

I already sent my friends my prison address, details on the email and phone system, and information on how the visitation system works, should they have the ability to travel to Texas. I know that they will do their best to email and write, and I know that I will be one of the people who feels very grateful at mail call. Forever I will be humble to this reality and will pay forward this to others I meet facing similar situations by writing others in prison.

While reading the Carswell handbook, I noticed that I can receive magazines and newspapers directly from publishers. So, Survivor and I decided that putting a list together of periodicals that I would like to receive (along with the Amazon book wish list I already have) will be the perfect way to create new opportunities for friends to feel like they are doing "something" to help. I don't expect to receive every book/magazine/newspaper on my lists. In fact, I hope I don't, or I would probably have to give half away to other inmates (which wouldn't be so bad). But, it was fun coming up with my list. Survivor will hold the list, so I don't receive 10 copies of People Magazine. It's important to have a central person who can organize things for you while you are gone. I was able to browse a very comprehensive list of magazines at magazines online. Discount websites are fine to order from because you still receive the actual magazines from the publisher. Make sure your specific institution allows magazines by reading the handbook.

My hope is to have a couple weekly magazines, maybe 1-2 monthly ones, and at least one daily newspaper. Since they are allowed, I see no excuse from cutting myself off from the news of the world. It will be bad enough that I will be cut off from social media for so long (another blog post I will have to do, I am sure!). Make sure that the person who is tracking who is purchasing what for you lets you know who ordered a magazine for you, because it may show up without the gifter's name. I plan to write a nice thank you note for anything I receive, as long as I am able. If I can't, it's about "paying it forward," and I certainly will!

And She Won't Respond

I guess I could say I have been pretty lucky. Since my charges, arraignment, and sentencing, I've had some of the most incredible support. I have had the benefit of five wonderful years of recovery to mend relationships and build new friendships.

My immediate family and close friends all knew about my legal issues from the beginning. I did not feel it was right for anyone to trust me if I did not trust them. Amazingly, they all supported me. Many asked questions. Many prayed that things would turn out differently than they did. Their support was there, always. I was honored to have 37 letters of support, each one making me cry, attached to my attorney's sentencing recommendation. If I had asked for more, perhaps I could have gotten more. That is amazing to me. Five years ago, I would have been hard pressed to get five letters, because I told no one anything about my struggles with addiction which made the truth coming out too much of a shock and my friends all walked away from me. 

I have a "difficult" relationship with my immediate family. Perhaps I will blog a bit more about that at a later time. When everything hit the fan 5 years ago with my addiction and the possibility of legal charges, my mom and stepdad asked me not to tell my step-siblings. Being an adult, I don't know why I just follow their wishes without thinking through the consequences, but I agreed. Now that I am going to prison, and I will not be able to be around to help out my folks, my aging grandparents, etc., I realized all of my step-siblings had to know. What if their grandfather (who is 95) passed away and I wasn't there? Would my folks just tell lies on where I am? And, I have a step-brother and his family in Dallas, less than an hour from where I will be. Maybe his wife, Jen, who I've always gotten along with fabulously will visit. Since everyone in my life is 1,000 miles away, this was a possibility of a visitor.

So, I reached out to Jen. Jen and my step-brother called my folks, but never responded to me. In three weeks, they have ignored my texts and emails as well. Jen is the one person I never thought would do that. The only family I have near the prison. I will give them time. People deserve time. They are the only people from my current life that I've told so far, since my recovery, to turn away from me. 

It is going to happen. This may be the first, but likely will not be the last. People who do not understand. People who come to their own understanding on what happened. We cannot change them. We can only be the best people we can be. I will still call on birthdays and reach out to my niece and nephew. I know I'm not a bad person. 

I always must remember, "other people's people's opinions of me are none of my business."

How We Leave Things

I have been thinking about the fact that there will be several times over the next month that I am saying, "goodbye," for a while to someone. Maybe they know why, maybe they don't. Given that we cannot predict our future (no matter how much we try) we do not know for sure when and if we will see this person again. I suppose this is true always, every day, but it is ever so real when you are facing imprisonment.

Our words are so powerful. Never forget that. Everyone who cares about us is also affected by our sentence. They are going through their own stages of grief and anger and disbelief. Try as much as you can to allow them their feelings. At the same time, do not allow anyone to abuse you mentally, emotionally or physically because of the pain your impending sentence is causing them. Abuse is never okay, and you must believe that you do not deserve it.

I digressed. Ah, saying goodbye, yes, that was what I was supposed to be blogging about. Have I mentioned that I've recently been diagnosed with ADD, it's unmedicated, ha. Ah,yes, goodbyes.

I am trying to consciously make all my words count, because they could be my goodbye to someone. Tonight, I was working with my intern on our newsletter and it goes to print tomorrow. As of now, we have no further meetings planned, but one could come up, not sure. So, I told her that she gets to take more leadership next year in the newsletter because I won't be there... Blah, blah, blah. Then I told her what a pleasure it has been to work with her, that I've been noticing certain strengths (and I listed them off) and that I highly recommend she look into a master's program that I knew she'd never even heard about. I talked with her about why I think she would be a strong candidate, who to get letters of reference from, and more. I wanted this last meeting to be meaningful. Every goodbye should have meaning.

I've been thinking about the people I'm closest with in this world. I can't really plan our "goodbye" moments. They have to just happen. But I will consider my words carefully. I will tell them how much they mean to me. I will thank them for being a part of my life. Make every goodbye matter!

Caught Thinking About the Future

I must apologize for my recent posts. They were honest moments of blogging, so no regrets in doing so, but nonetheless, I work a program of recovery and recovery tells us to live in the day. One of my favorite readings is as follows:

Yesterday, Today, and Tomorrow

There are two days in every week about which we should not worry; two days which should be kept free from fear and apprehension.

One of these days is yesterday with its mistakes and cares, its faults and blunders, its aches and pains. All the money in the world cannot bring back yesterday. Yesterday has passed forever beyond our control. We cannot undo a single act we performed. We cannot erase a single word we said. Yesterday is gone.

The other day we should not worry about is tomorrow with its possible adversities, its burdens, its large promise or poor performance. Tomorrow is also beyond our immediate control.

Tomorrow's sun will rise, either in splendor or behind a mask of clouds ... but it will rise. Until it does, we have no stake in tomorrow, for it is yet unborn. This leaves only one day ... TODAY. Any person can fight the battles of just one day. It is only when you and I add the burdens of these two awful eternities - yesterday and tomorrow - that we break down.

It is not the experience of today that drives people mad - it is the remorse or bitterness of something which happened yesterday and the dread of what tomorrow may bring. Let us, therefore,

LIVE BUT ONE DAY AT A TIME.

---------------------------------

I have always loved that reading because it is so very true. We project what we think will happen in the future, yet it rarely turns out that exact way. We hold onto burdens if our past, yet those days are done and we can do nothing to change the past (only what we do today and each day in front of us matters).

A wise person once said to me when I told them I was worried about the possibility of these legal charges one day getting filed against me, "you can spend every day worrying and if they are never filed, you just wasted every day worrying or you can spend every day worrying and one day they do get filed and you STILL wasted every day worrying." He was absolutely right. Had I been sitting around, worrying for 5 years, I wouldn't be living where I do today. I wouldn't be back in school. I wouldn't have the ability to find joy even during moments of sadness. I would have just wasted away- worrying. 

Don't let yourself go there too often, now we all can't help it some of the time, but when your mind is there - lost in the paranoia of what's to come or the darkness of what was, remind yourself that if you are spending all your energy on the past or future, you are failing to live in today. You can battle the issues of just one day. The day will end at some point. You will close your eyes and be able to start afresh tomorrow. The past and future matter but it is what you do today that matters most of all!!

A Rift in the Plan

I'm not sure why I was not more concerned before now. Maybe it was just a wish, an inability to accept the truth, a hope, I don't know. It wasn't until I was talking with Hansom the other night and we were talking about my including him on my list of 30. We can each bring in a list of 30 names, addresses, phone numbers, and emails of people that we want to stay in touch with while we are incarcerated. We can add/delete people as we need, and they must agree to be communicated with by phone and email (which is monitored just like mail is read), but there is a limited number of people we can put on the list and I wanted Hansom to be one of them and he wanted to be as well.

The thing is, I've mention that Hansom has a felony on his record. He is off probation. However, he may not be allowed to be on my list anyway. There are very strict rules about inmates communicating with current or ex felons. We ended our call with the fact that we will try.

However, our conversation brought me to the reality of something much bigger, and he is aware of this as well, that Survivor may also not be allowed to have any communication with me either. Survivor is my friend, GA sponsor, family, support, confidante, hero, late night texting, laughing, crying, fun loving, understanding, sisterly, caring, loving, other pea in my pod. She is my rock in recovery and has been there at all my darkest moments. The idea of no communication at all with her for nearly a year terrifies me. She is the one person I know can and would visit me (she can fly for free due to her prior career with the airlines). She also recently survived breast cancer and has another surgery scheduled soon after my self surrender (which she put off because of wanting to be at my sentencing and such). I only imagined being incarcerated with knowing my other "pea" was just a phone call, email, or letter away. 

Prison talk (once again, a really good website to join for offenders and their family/friends) confirmed that it is likely Survivor will be initially refused from my visitor list and that she may try to appeal. I'm still waiting to hear about whether other forms of communication will likely be restricted as well. 

I guess it is good to know all this a month before I go in. I will have time to prepare mentally/emotionally. It is something we should all be aware of, though, even with our best intentions, the BOP could put a rift in our plans.

Holidays

Okay, today I kinda cried for a moment. I thought about the holidays. I was talking to Sporty on the phone and talking about Thanksgiving and the Jewish High Holidays and I just got sad. The prison allows visitors on holidays (well, federal holidays - not Jewish ones), but I won't be having any. The Feds try to put inmates close to home so they can get regular visits, but I'm being sent 1,000 miles away from my family and friends. I have absolutely NO expectations of anyone giving up their family traditions to spend a boring day sitting across from me in a visiting room. It is not even about that. I will be gone one year, just one set of each holiday. It will be okay.

The thing is, I missed a lot of holidays in my past. I spent many a thanksgiving, Christmas, New Year, etc. alone in a casino chasing losses or possibly on a winning streak. I believed I had no where else to go. No one wanted me at their holiday festivities. I was alone and whether it was true in fact or not, I believed I was unloved. Most of my adult life consisted of holidays spent with strangers who knew my name because we played at the same tables night after night, yet we knew nothing about one another. We just needed our next "hit," the adrenalin of the next deal of the cards, the next win, the next promise of a life better than the one we are living.

When I stopped gambling in 2008, started recovery and addiction therapy, holidays suddenly mattered. I was suddenly around family and friends that invited me into their homes. I'd actually get more than one invitation at times. I started celebrating holidays with friends that aren't even my holidays - like Christmas and Easter - because my friends invited me to their family dinners (although the Jew in me confused the term "dinner" to mean 5 or 6 once when the Easter dinner was to be served at 2). I also enjoy giving and receiving holiday presents and hate that it won't be a part of our traditions this year! Holidays have come to be a part of my recovery from the "broken" person I was. 

This, of course, leaves me with just one choice, find a way to enjoy the holidays without visitors of family or friends. I shall. During the months of Nov and Dec, they increase phone time from 300 min/month to 400 min/mth. So, I can call people more. I'll figure it out. I guess it is okay once in a while to realize the realities of life in prison. Holidays really hit me today.