Getting Past Our Anger

When I was first accused of embezzlement at my former employer's business I was angry. The stories that were being told about me were not the truth. Since I was never "asked questions," the people in my life put together their own realities of what they believe must have been true. In most cases, their stories do not even come close to the truth. Lawyers told me that I should not go public with my story as the proper advice to any potential criminal defendant is to stay silent, so I did. My truth never fully being able to be told.

A couple weeks ago, at my sentencing, I listened to some of my former mentors and friends speak their "personal truths" to the judge. I realized at that moment that these made up stories are the stories they must tell themselves to protect themselves. For them, it just would not make sense a woman they loved and trusted to do something this bad. If I had such a bad addiction, wouldn't they know it? But they did, they just didn't know what the signs were. Most people don't. So, in reality, these made up false stories are just as real to the people we hurt or to the court as the truth is for us. There is no way to prove absolute truth when witnesses are involved. 

Anyway, earlier today, a woman reached out to me and seemed angry about the prison time she is looking at and was telling me about her crime and the reasons for it. This was my response:

"As for the crime and punishment, I am going to propose something that may be nearly impossible to do. Acceptance. A while ago I had to realize that in order for me to move forward with my life, I had to let go of the fact that no one would ever believe or fully understand my Truth versus the story the prosecutor was telling. I was found guilty of 30% truth and 70% made up stories that people thought were true. But since 30% was true, it really didn't matter that the rest was false. For me, I needed money and I had my employers debit card - enough said. It really does not matter why I thought it was legitimate to withdraw the money because the act itself was illegal. If you can come to acceptance about your "act" being illegal regardless of the reasons behind why you did it, the peace will help you get through this. Carrying the anger can't be helping you as you face something as scary as we are."

Sometimes, I am able to see the growth my recovery program has given me. Acceptance is certainly one of them.

Legal documents can actually be good...

I know, by now the site of anything legal is scary. We have had to read our indictments, victim impact statements, sentencing recommendations, court motions, even our support letters that likely made us all weep are not easy to read. But we cannot hide from all aspects of the law. Right now, although I am not licensed to practice law in any state in the U.S. (and likely never will be again), any person with a legal background will encourage you to do the following. 

I must admit my own personal failures in this regard... each of the things I am going to encourage I have drafted dozens of times for others, yet I have failed to do so for myself. I promise here, though, within the next couple weeks, I will complete the forms that are relevant to me. We all must. While we are inside, life on the outside continues, and we must ensure we are protecting ourselves and those we love.

Legal documents to write/update:

-will (even if you are not going in for a long time or have no heirs, if you want any item going to someone special, it must be written or else probate court must follow probate laws)

- power of attorney for healthcare: who do you trust making healthcare decisions for you. Draft the form (usually a free form available at any health agency or online) and give a copy to listed individuals.

- power of attorney for finances - you can choose how much or how little the poa can do, but someone must be able to call, pay, deposit, file taxes, sell assets, negotiate, etc on your behalf and they must have a notarized copy of the form.

- child guardianship (if you have children, even if they have a second parent, consider drafting papers giving another party the power to make healthcare decisions, pick the children up from school, etc in order to help. Do not leave children with anyone, even grandparents without guardianship papers)

- bankruptcy/consumer credit counseling okay, let's hope you have a way to ensure you will be able to maintain your bill payments while away. If you can't, don't leave all the financial stress to your spouse after you are gone.

- divorce/legal separation- I hope you will not need this. Any partnership should have a real discussion about what their expectations are and try to work things through prior to going away.

I hope this list is a good start. There are certainly others depending on your marital status, level of wealth, etc. You may want to look into a trust or insurance. Just do not forget to explore all your non criminal legal resources. You will be glad you did. I will too... I just need to write them!!

Finding Community

When I walked into the gambler's anonymous program in June, 2008, I could not imagine I would have anything in common with anyone in the rooms. They all appeared to be older than me, mostly male, and I couldn't imagine they did damage to their lives even close to what I had done to mine. I couldn't have been more wrong. If we let ourselves get to know others, we realize that we all have far more in common than our differences.

The same is true for the prison community. I am not there yet, but I have met people in GA who have spent time in prison because a gambling addiction (like drugs and alcohol) often brings us to the desperation of crime (something we would never do if we were not in the throes of addiction). These people are my friends and some of the people I admire most in my GA program. They are doing well today, prison did not break them, they are able to move forward, work, have love in their lives, and stand tall (well the last part will be difficult for me at just 5' tall).

I recently decided to start joining the prison community in advance of my self-surrender. It is a place to ask questions, gain support, and not feel so alone on this path. Don't think of yourself as different or unique than everyone else in prison. They all just committed a crime or at least were found guilty of one, and are doing their time, and want to stand tall on the outside one day. Introduce yourself (whether a person going in or a supporter of someone going in) at www.prisontalk.com.

Bills

My income is limited. I do not have a large savings. I am not Martha Stewart. I have no financial advisor who will "manage" my butt loads of money while I am in prison. I live on a budget. Sometimes I use credit cards. When the semester starts and I receive my funding, my card balances are low, as the year moves on, they get higher. I pay my bills on time. I get approved for my vehicle lease. My credit is not perfect (14 years of damage done from compulsive gambling) but it has slowly improved and one day I may have even been approved for a home. Not anymore, with my restitution, but that's okay.

What really bothers me is that I look at my monthly budget, my bills, what I can save before I leave in as little as 6-8 weeks, and I do not know how I will be able to cover everything without any real income for 10 months. Inmates with spouses or who are wealthy perhaps have options, but those like me (and likely you) do not have many. I am trying to avoid the need for bankruptcy and I know that I must be proactive before going inside if I have any chance to avoid it. Reading online, most sites say that we need to make sure we have someone paying our bills- but that assumes $$ exists. Other sites say that anyone low income that goes in for 4-6 months or longer will inevitably have a bankruptcy. I'd like to prove that wrong.

Another odd factor is that the judge actually put on my judgement that I am required to have credit counseling (because she is freaked out by my educational loans that she didn't understand). That rule, however, does not come into place until my supervision starts after incarceration.

So, today after paying all my bills for the month, I decided to break down each of them into categories. Things I absolutely want to keep paying on time, things I'd like to keep paying, and things I can call and see if they will hold the account/close the account/ or just not pay. I do not have a choice. I simply do not have enough money to pay everything with no income. Once I started that process, though, I hated it. So, I decided to make a non committal call. I called one of the nonprofit consumer counseling services. I'm not sure the counselor was ready for my call, "I have fine credit but I'm going to prison and I want to avoid a bankruptcy and I also want to keep some credit outside consolidation... I just want to see if this will save me money ..."

Two hours on the phone and we are not at the answer yet. They will call me back Monday. I guess the thing about this is that I don't know yet what I will do about paying everything, and I'm going to run every option by my Coach Survivor, but I need to be proactive, figure out all my options, and give myself time to figure it all out. Otherwise, I will just be a statistic, another ex-con needing a bankruptcy and then I will be allowing this prison sentence hurt me financially for seven years beyond everything else. Be proactive!

Prison to Professor

He did it and so can I!

"Wiley College professor's journey from prison to Ph.D

By Tracy Clemons – bio|e-mail

MARSHALL, TX (KSLA)- A professor at Wiley College, in east Texas, is living out what some would think they'd only see in a movie. Dr. Tracy Andrus has gone from prison, to a Ph.D, to heading up the Criminal Justice department at the small college. 

"My business got in trouble. I went over to some banks. I got money out of the account that I did not have. They call that check kiting. I was arrested and eventually I was sentenced to 57 years in prison," Andrus says. 

He only served three of those years. Part of that time was in a halfway house in Alexandria. He settled down in the city, and took classes at Louisiana College. Andrus completed his bachelors degree in 2000. 

"I was very excited about it, and God had really blessed me a whole lot, so I said I wanna get my masters degree," he says.

He finished his masters in Criminal Justice at the University of Louisiana-Monroe in one year. Andrus tells KSLA News 12 that he'll never forget the day he was accepted into the Ph.D program at Prairie View A&M. 

"You'll never know how that really made me feel, knowing that now I have an opportunity to earn a PhD, when only a few years prior to that, I was actually doing time in prison." 

Dr. Andrus says he was the first African American to earn a doctorate in Juvenile Justice.

We spoke with a few students in his department, and they all say his story is nothing short of amazing.

"His story is just profound, how we can overcome adversity and still make it," says sophomore Jazmine Jackson.

Wiley senior Nathan Evans says it's inspirational: "By me looking at a man like that, he really inspired me to show me that I can be somebody. No matter where you come from, no matter what background, you can be somebody." 

Andrus attributes his change completely to God-"I know that God was working in my stead from the day I went into the penitentiary."

He tells us he got closer to God while he was in prison. Today he speaks from the experience he believes God allowed him to endure. 

"You may have been to jail. You may be in jail right now, but I just want folks to know that if you have the will, and you put God in front of you, there's nothing that you cannot do if you have the passion to do it." "

A Website of Interest

I found a website that may be of interest to some. It is by a woman in a similar predicament but focuses more on the inside than preparation. Please follow this link to "prison woman talks."

I found reading her updates very interesting for a number of reasons:

1) She somehow gets access to the Internet on a weekly basis while in prison camp

2) She has interesting insights on what she thought things would be like versus what she was observing

3) She is taking her first college courses while in prison through a partnership with a community college (although she does comment that she would like to earn a PhD in her 19 months on the inside)

4) She has an interesting take on why some people visit and others don't.

5) I really liked her piece on "mail call" 

Making the Most of Our Time

I just received an email inviting me to interview for a one week teaching job on my campus. I applied for this position before I knew my sentence, before I knew I would have to be leave this place I love in late August to await my self-surrender. The teaching gig is a week prior to the time I am leaving where I currently live. I can earn a couple hundred dollars doing what I love on top of my usual graduate assistantship, and it will keep me busy. So, I said "yes" to the interview. If I am selected to work for the week, it will be another wonderful opportunity I can add to my CV (an educator's resume) and luckily things are put down by year, not month. My CV will, hopefully, not have a hole in it because I have 2013 entries and when I am out in time for Fall, 2014, it will have 2014 entries. 

It is important for you to know that you do not have to put months on your resumes. You also do not have to put everything you have ever done down. A resume is a marketing piece. Never lie on your resume, but you do not have to put down every short term job, prison position, etc. Make sure you have someone who understands human resources, resume writing, etc. look at your resume before you go looking for jobs after you have been on the inside. Remember it is a marketing tool of yourself and nothing more. Make the most of your time before you go in, while you are inside, and after. I'll post later about finding jobs after doing time in prison. Doing time does not mean you need to spend your life in the poor house. I truly believe that.

Piper Kerman

I am going to be known in prison as a number. Most likely I will remember this number for the rest of my life. Every prisoner gets a number and that is how we are known and called by. When I heard Piper Kerman talk about her experience in the Danbury women's prison, (http://www.prx.org/pieces/87687-the-moth-radio-hour-1304-air-window-1-22-13-1), it felt a little too close to stories of other places where the goal is for individuals to lose identity and just become "one of" and unimportant. I promise to not allow this to happen to me.

It appears that Piper made sure it did not happen to her either. She used the experience to write a humorous and insightful memoir called, "Orange is the new black." I already have it on order from Amazon and will receive the book in a couple days. I hope to read her book before starting to watch the dramatization of it on Netflix. Netflix ordered the book into a series which happens to start on July 11, 2013 (just days from when I am keeping this blog). In one of the coming attractions for the new series, another inmate asks Piper something about her background, and Piper remarks back, "I thought you weren't supposed to ask questions. That's what the books said," and the other inmate makes a face and comments, "you researched for prison??" And I knew that I could be Piper in that exact situation. I am a researcher by trade and my counselor pointed out to me just today that due to my childhood and survival instincts, it is not a surprise that I want to know as much as I can about what I will need to prepare myself for.

I plan to watch the entire first season of the new Netflix series before leaving for whatever place I am going. As I read Piper's book, I may make some comments. At the very least, I will let you know if I recommend it!

Sleep Patterns

Our sleep in prison camp is going to be very different than at home. At home I sleep in a queen size bed all to myself. I toss and turn a lot - mostly due to my autoimmune condition causing pain and stiffness in my joints. In prison, I will be placed on a twin mattress as part of a bunk bed. They will do checks every two hours or so to make sure everyone is in their bed and accounted for by moving flashlights into our bunks. Even with earplugs ($0.15 in the commissary) we will hear the snoring, the toilet flushing, the bunk bed squeaking, the laughing, the book page flipping, the light cracking, the guard talking, the whispering, etc. Then, at 5:30am we will be woken up for our first standing count of the day.

The biggest thing I am going to do to prepare for the reality of sleeping at prison camp is getting my body used to a 5:30 wake up. Since I do not know what camp I will be sent to, I figure I should prepare for a 5:30 am eastern time wake up and if I happen to be placed in a later time zone, it will be easier. Starting August 1st, I will start waking up an hour earlier, then an hour earlier a week later, etc. until I am waking at 5:30am every morning. I will just need to figure out two things, what to do with my early mornings and how to stay awake all day.

Clothing and Linens at the Prison Camp

Every prison camp has their own prison attire, linens and colors, however, this is basically what is provided to each inmate upon arrival:

- 2 towels

- 2 washcloths

- 1 toothbrush

- 1 toothpaste or toothpowder

- 3 bras

- 8 underwear

- 8 socks

- 1 deodorant

- 1 shampoo

- 1 comb

- 1 nightshirt

- 4 uniform pants

- 4 uniform shirts

- 1 pair steel toe shoes

- 4 brown t-shirts

New underclothing (underwear, bras, socks) is issued every six (6) months. All other clothing issued should last much longer. Replacement on all other clothing is determined by the laundry staff. 
If I want additional clothing, I must purchase them in the commissary. The following are approximate costs:
- bathrobe $33
- fleece jacket $26
- pajamas $19
- thermal tops $11
- thermal bottoms $11
- gloves $6
- scarf $3
- knit hat $6
- baseball cap $7
- underwear $3
- shorts/shirts ($ unknown)
- bras ($ unknown)
- sweat pants $13
- shoes ($ unknown)
The only color clothing I will wear will be khaki, white, grey and brown. Gratefully, I will have the ability to walk outside and see the wonderful colors of the world every day.  

10 Questions

Immediately after my sentencing I noticed a theme  to many of my conversations with friends and family who wanted to know what happened, why, when, etc about the details. The next day, I decided to just write a list of the ten questions I think most people who are curious about everything and care about me would want to know. When I get together with people and they start inquiring, I ask if they would like to go through the ten questions, and they seem to like it. Some have a couple more questions, but generally, these take care of most of their initial curiosities:

1. Where and when will I be self-surrendering?
2. How must my life change prior to self-surrendering and why?
3. Why did the judge say I have to leave my doctoral program?
4. How will money work while I am in prison (how will I pay my bills, etc)?
5. Why was the sentence so harsh?
6. How will communication/visitation occur when I am in prison?
7. What should you tell people?
8. How can you help me through this?
9. What happens after prison?
10. How can this be a good thing for me?

I will cover how I answer each of these questions in a basic way here. I may cover them in more detail in a later blog entry. The important thing for you is to think through the questions relevant to your life (obviously #3 is specific to me and #4 is specific to me because I do not have a spouse).

Where and when will I be self-surrendering?
 In the general sense, most people sentenced to self-surrender are told an approximate date of their self-surrender and a probable location at their sentencing hearing. Always being a little different, neither is exactly the case for me. Due to the fact that I have a chronic autoimmune condition requiring a substantial medication regiment and work accommodation, the judge ordered that the department of prisons must look at my medical needs before assigning me to a location. I was promised that I will not be assigned prior to August 18th (after the summer semester of school ends because I would have to pay back all my summer funding if I had to drop out prior to the end). So in both the case of where and when, I can honestly say, "I don't know." My hope is Alderson Prison Camp and my hope is after the Jewish High Holidays - putting me self-surrendering in mid-September. This, however, is 100% out of my control.

How must my life change prior to self-surrendering and why?
I live alone in a two bedroom nice apartment off the public transportation route in my town. I lease a car, eat several meals out per week with friends, and enjoy day trips on my limited income when I can. Over the next several months, I will be needing to save money to help ensure I have the funds I need for my commissary account, a storage locker for all my belongings, sell items I will not need as I will be downsizing, turning in my car lease, and saving on gas and other expenses. My life is about minimalism, saving, downsizing, gratitude, and acceptance. My close friends will need to understand this as well.

Why did the judge say I have to leave my doctoral program?
See yesterday's post.

How will money work while I am in prison?
On the inside: Everything comes through the commissary. Every month, Survivor, my financial "coach," will send me money orders I leave with her before I go to put into my commissary account. Based on talking with an individual who has spent time in Dublin, I plan to start with approximately $225/month for the first several months and lower it to about $125-$150/month toward the latter months in order to cover my needs/wants (shower shoes, watch, extra shirts, gym shoes, phone time, emails, stamps, stationary, shampoo, soap, toothpaste, drinks, snacks, razor, knit hat, etc). I will likely write a separate piece on the commissary one day. No one can send me anything from the outside except books, but that is a special process that I will also set up in advance.
On the outside: Most unmarried prisoners have to do a bankruptcy, unless they have money saved and a good money management person on the outside. Prisoners cannot manage their affairs from the inside. I know that mine cannot be managed. I will work with Survivor to manage what we can set up and we will decide what we cannot do. It will be okay. 10 months is not forever and I will see what I can do when I am out. I am hoping to not have to do a bankruptcy. I have never had to do one, even with all my gambling debts. However, the problem lies with that. I still pay off some of my old debt and the 10 months of not being able to pay off debt may become something that puts me too far into the hole. However, I am not figuring this out today. Will update on this when it is figured out because I think this is valuable to others to know what we figure out.

Why was the sentence so harsh?
Okay, you're thinking... 10 months... not so harsh! And, I totally agree. Honestly, it could have been many years. Even my plea could have been up to 2 years. The thing is that there was a lot of mitigating reasons for it not to be - most specifically the fact that NONE of the parties were asking for me to serve multiple years, that I am working recovery, in school, etc. It wasn't even being considered. I spend the day before the sentencing with my attorney and we never even considered the possibility of 10 months in prison. That is why this seems harsh. So, those of you facing years, I apologize. Had the government, honestly, done their job efficiently and charged me 4-5 years ago, I would also be looking at a much harsher sentence. If you have not been charged yet, are awaiting charges, are not sure you will ever be charged, etc. All I can recommend is to spend this time doing the right thing for yourself - GET THE HELP YOU NEED! If you have an addiction, any kind of addiction, admit it to yourself - and get into the appropriate 12 step program. Get into therapy with an appropriate counselor. Work on your demons. Work on whatever caused you to get yourself into trouble with the law. Don't wait for the judge, the prosecutor, your lawyer, or anyone else to tell you that you need to get help - do it yourself! So, my answer to why was the sentence so harsh is that the sentence is NOT harsh. It is not harsh because I have done everything I should be doing to ensure I will never gamble again and to ensure that I will never feel so desperate that I would ever steal again. Even the prosecutor believed that I would never commit a crime again. However, the most important person who has to believe that would never do such destruction to their life again is YOU!

How will communication/visitation occur when I am in prison?
Communication: Every form of communication has it's price, but is the lifeline of every prisoner, so cost is not a barrier! I will have 300 minutes of phone calls/month (30 - 10 minute phone calls); emails; and letters. I will be allowed to have a list of 30 people I am allowed to communicate with at any given time. Make a list of the people you want to communicate with. Make sure you know their phone numbers, current addresses, and email addresses. Make sure they want to communicate with you. They must accept you as a communicator or you will not be allowed to communicate with them. Make sure they know to check spam email. No one is allowed internet, so everything comes from a prison email system. No google or gmail. No pretend I'm not in prison! Letters are encouraged. No gifts.

Visitation: Every prison camp has their own visitation rules. Generally speaking, visitors can visit Friday-Monday with 8 hour shifts on Saturdays and Sundays, but it depends on the camp. Prisoners can spend the entire day with their guests in the visitor area which usually includes an indoor and outdoor area (often spaces for kids to play as well). Visitors are encouraged to bring lots of quarters, as the only food for visitors and prisoners during the visit are in the vending machines and visitors must pay. Hugs are only allowed at the beginning and end of the visit.

What should you tell people?

Whatever you are comfortable. I told my friends and family that they can say anything they want to anyone they want. I cannot control their actions. However, in order to not lie, at the very least, they can tell people that I am away for a while or I'm away for personal reasons. In honesty, it really is no one's business, but I do not believe in lying.

How can you help me through this?

A lot of people ask me this. They are such good friends that want to help and through my recovery program I have had to learn both how to ask for help and how to accept help. Getting help is not a sign of weakness. It is a way of connecting with others, we help others and others help us. We "pay it forward" and it is not even about helping the same people that help us, it is just about brink there when someone needs it. They are then there when someone else needs it. So, my friends that ask how they can help, I am honest. I can use help packing, moving, and making some difficult decisions. Mostly I just need an ear sometimes when it all gets overwhelming. They are very happy to oblige.

What happens after prison?

The sentence of imprisonment is only the start. My sentence actually ends in 2017, possibly later when my full restitution is paid off. After I spend time at the prison camp, I will likely have to go to a halfway house for a couple weeks to months. They do that as a transition. Then I have supervised probation for three years with substantial financial, travel, and other restrictions. Some things I read say that the restrictions being at home can actually be more difficult for some. I'm just going to take it all a day at a time.

How can this be a good thing for me?

Few people going to prison could think there's a silver lining- maybe the person who needs alcohol or drug treatment - but most people I imagine can not see it. I'm fortunate, however. I have been given five amazing years to experience life with clear eyes and a healthy brain. Five years where I did not hide from emotions of fear or love or anger or pride. I traveled to amazing places where there was nothing to feel but the presence of my higher power and serenity. So, I know that this is happening now, so long after anyone ever thought it would, for a reason. I believe there is someone that I must meet or that must meet me - perhaps both. I must grow. My story needs this experience. I will connect with what is good and observe all that is around me, even in a place like a federal women's prison camp. Perhaps I can be a voice of "hope," a word I believe in so much for someone who has lost her way. I don't know. But, I believe I will "pay it forward" all these five years of gifts given to me, in my months in prison!

Why my judge said I can't complete my doctoral program, why she iswrong, and why I do not have to listen to her

It sounds a little uppity, my saying that I know more than my judge or that I do not have to listen to her. Truth is, we cannot change our sentence, especially if we accepted a plea. Part of a federal plea is to know that we cannot be absolutely promised a specific sentence and that we cannot appeal the sentence we receive. Our only appeal rights are for insufficient counsel (very hard to prove unless your counsel happened to miss your court date or slept through your hearing) or if the judge went beyond their scope. In the case of my sentencing hearing, neither specifically occurred, although it appeared the latter had.

I mentioned prior that we had not prepared for the sentence I received. Even more so, we all believed - my lawyer, probation and even prosecutor, that my being back in school doing well and working on my doctorate degree in education was a mitigating factor in my favor. All the sentencing briefs stated as much.

The judge, however, prior to even giving the sentence in my case made it clear her opinion on the matter stating something close to, "I believe you need to consider a new path. The education path you are on is not going to lead to a job and it is INCONCEIVABLE that you will get hired as a faculty member in education with a felony at any public or private non-profit institution..." She then put a restriction on my post imprisonment supervision on my having credit or loans (including school loans). I explained that I will be eligible for a loan forgiveness program sponsored by the us government after ten years of working as a faculty member, but again she emphasized that I am kidding myself to think I could gain employment in that sector.

It was one thing to be going to prison and have to stop out of school and work, but her insisting that I must drop out of school was devastating to me. I've been back in school for two years. I have worked very hard, I have earned fellowships, scholarships, and research grants. My goal is to make a difference in how students are able to engage in the classroom. I've been fortunate to travel to Vietnam and South Africa to learn and work with colleagues. Walking away from this new career (that I love) absolutely makes no sense. My addiction and crime caused me to give up my former careers, friends, etc. I could not believe the judge was forcing me to do it again.

That night, after the sentencing, I cried harder than I had in a very long time. Later, with a clearer head, I realized the judge overstepped her role and I needed to read the judgement. If she forbade my education in the judgement, I could appeal. If she did not, then it was up to two people at my institution if I could stay and to answer whether I would ever get a job - the ombudsman and my advisor. I received a copy of my judgement earlier this week, financial restrictions will make it hard for me to stay in school, but the judges comments were not officially part of the sentence. She saved herself from an appeal. On to handling this within my school.

The Ombudsman serves as a confidential, neutral, informal and independent resource for student concerns and conflicts. I actually spoke to the office of the ombudsman at my university immediately after knowing the case against me was moving forward many months ago. I didn't want to hide. I knew the office was confidential and I needed to know my rights and responsibilities. Being a doctoral student gave me more rights than I realized. I had no responsibility to tell anyone anything, as long as I did not lie on my application, which I did not (these charges came nearly 2 years after I applied). In fact, I never had to tell anyone, even if I were to be convicted and going to prison, like I am. I at least agreed with the idea that until I knew what was happening, I had no responsibility to tell anyone.

That all changed last Friday, though, when I realized I would be gone for a full school year and that the judge believed I would need to leave school. I decided the person I needed to tell was my advisor, Dr. P. When you are in a doctoral program, you are assigned to a faculty advisor who kind of mentors you, assists you through your program, helps select your courses, ensures you stay on track, and if you stay with them, heads your dissertation committee. I've been wanting to tell Dr. P. and dreading telling Dr. P. for a long time. Dr. P. is a very well known and well respected scholar. Yes, I feared her judgement, her rejection. I feared she would say something similar to what the judge said, only I started fearing that long before the judge ever said it. But after the sentencing I knew my education fate was essentially in Dr. P.'s hands. If she wanted me out, I'd be out, if she were willing to fight for me, I may be allowed to stay. Our minds play wicked games on us. We always fear the worst things happening. Scenarios, even when bad things do happen, rarely turn our as bad as our minds think they will go.

Anyway, I had to wait until today to meet with Dr. P. I asked her last Sunday for a nontraditional meeting, outside her office and not confined to a short time. Neither of these things have I ever asked for and she accommodated both, but she knew I was not coming with good news. We met in a private conference room where no one would bump into us after, so if I were in tears, I could just leave without explaining myself.

I prepared many thoughts/questions in advance. I did not know what she would say, so I was prepared for most scenarios. Typical, I wasn't prepared for what really happened. Not only did she understand and support me and tell me that I'm "stuck" with her. She told me that she understands addiction from people in her life, that she is sorry this is happening to me, and that without a doubt I will not be kicked out of my university or my program. Even more, without my even asking, she wants me to do an independent study while incarcerated and do some reading toward my dissertation and also journaling around my observations of higher education for women prisoners.

When I told her about what the judge said, she said that she would like to, "smack the judge on the head" (in a nice kind of way of course) and that the judge absolutely does not understand our careers, how we get hired, or my employability. Dr. P. emphasized that the judge was absolutely wrong. In my line of work, if a background check is done at all, it's after hire, and as long as I am honest, it will not keep me from being hired. She also said that with my story, my background, skills, and areas of specialty, I will be very hire-able within the sector and she is not worried. She is willing to tell that to probation if she has to. Dr. P. feels that no one else needs to know the exact reason I'll be gone and I'm comfortable with that. We will tell folks that I am taking a leave of absence for personal reasons. It is not a lie. Once again, it is the difference between discretion and deception and discretion makes sense.

So, that's why the judge said I had to quit school, why she's wrong, and why I do not have to listen to her!

My Coaches

In May, 2008, on the brink of suicide, having lost my family, employment, friends, and secrets... My secret gambling life being exposed, I threw out nearly everything I had valued over my 35 years of life - articles I was quoted in, pictures of my childhood, keepsakes from events I coordinated or attended, news stories from historical events, note books or papers that meant something, favorite books, nick naks, furnishings, transcripts, plays I wrote, artwork, and so much more. Crates, boxes, and shelves of stuff that moved with me from house to apartment to anywhere I called home. It grew over the years. Some of it was replaceable (like transcripts), some not (like my plays). I did not care at the time. It had no value to me because I had no value to me. I threw it all away.

Today, as I have to plan for a move where I cannot bring anything in with me, and I must sell things to help support me, I do not want to make the same mistake. I cannot afford to keep all my furniture and things stored. I also do not have the means to automatically afford the monthly balance I will need in my commissary account ($100+). I will do a later post on commissary needs. So, selling things must be part of my plan. Therefore, I need to balance value to me with value for my livelihood. 

This is where my coaches come in. I have a couple individuals in my life - Survivor and Traveler who are assisting me with decisions, especially the difficult decisions, I must make over the next several months. Traveler helps me with all things household. She is helping me decide what to sell and already telling me what not to sell (like my couch and one bedroom set) and will help with that process. Survivor helps with all things financial and she will send my commissary money orders once a month into prison camp. I will make no large financial decisions like what to do about my bills, etc without talking with Survivor first.

Going to prison is overwhelming. If you are given the opportunity to get your affairs in order and self surrender, don't try to do everything on your own. If you have a spouse and/or family that are supportive and willing to help, ask them! If they are not, ask a friend!!! Get a coach, someone you trust!!!! If your spouse is too angry to assist you, ask someone else.

Discretion vs. Deception

Who do I tell? How do I tell? For what reasons do I tell? For a long time those questions followed me about being a recovering addict. A wise person in my recovery rooms said that there is a difference between discretion and deception.

I now face those same questions about my felony and why I will be leaving school and where I live (or rather my life as I currently know it) for almost a year. I will not be deceitful. I will not tell everyone it is a family thing or a medical thing - although some may think that. I currently have both family members ill and with chronic health issues. I will not lie. Lies get me in trouble. Lies cause me to have to lie more. Lies cause me to make up stories that I can't keep straight or I have to elaborate or I have to hope my friends can corroborate, lies are my life before recovery. Lies keep an addiction fueled. 

Discretion on the other hand is okay. There are wonderful people in my life. Friends and family, and friends who are like family, who know my whole story, and I trust them completely. There are others that I am not as close with. I do not have to tell the world. That is discretion. But I cannot lie. 

"I am taking a leave of absence for personal reasons. I would prefer not to talk about the reasons." That is all that is necessary. 

Will people gossip? Will people figure it out? Perhaps someone already told them... Well, I've had to realize the truth, "other people's opinions of me are none of my business." Maybe later, when I'm back in a year, I will want to tell more people, maybe I won't. That's my choice. It is my discretion. You have a right to privacy. Not a right to deception.

The Notebook

It is red. Spiral bound. 120 pages. Lined, just like all my notebooks for school or for notes or for organizing. This notebook, I started yesterday.

In the top right corner, starting a couple pages in, I wrote the date and on each page after the next date between now and the end of August. There are pages blank at the end, I hope to add dates there as well. I hope to make it to the date I wrote on the top of the last page I wrote, Saturday, August 31st.

On the lines of each dated page are lists. Things to do. Things I must do to prepare to go to prison. There are so many big things, like move out of my apartment, give leave at my job, figure out my finances, etc., that they all break down into smaller tasks: figure out what furniture to sell, post items on Craig's list, rent storage locker, call capital one credit card, make appointment with supervisor, etc. 

This is what the red notebook is for. I cannot, in fact no one, can solve all their problems at once, and if we try to look at everything we must do, it is overwhelming and can become debilitating. So, plan it out. Small tasks. A couple a day. Progress each day. Goals that move me forward. 

Today included an email to a fellow GA member I met by chance over 2000 miles away from where I live who may actually be able to assist me in getting me out of my car lease. I also (with the help of a wonderful friend) packaged old school books to be shipped off - so I can make funds toward the expenses I am incurring as I prepare for prison and for my needs during incarceration. I dropped all the fall and spring courses I was scheduled to take and instead signed up for dissertation credits (something I can do as a doctoral student), so I do not lose my status as a student. I also reduced my funding for the time I am gone to only cover the tuition of the credits I am taking and no living expenses. All these will be marked out of my red notebook on 6/25. The things that I thought I would do today, but could not, I simply carry over to another day. There is no guilt for not getting everything done. We must take all that must be done just one day at a time.

One suggestion. Please put on a couple pages of your notebook (which can be any color by the way - mine was red and free) to take some time for yourself. Take a walk, take a nap, take yourself out to the movies, etc. Don't forget that YOU matter and that YOU deserve some mental preparation for prison as well.

"Dragonfly"

While I do not suggest I am these things, I do suggest these are things we strive for in our recovery program one day at a time.

"Symbolisms of the Dragonfly:

• Maturity and a Depth of character
  The dragonfly, in almost every part of the world symbolizes change and change in the perspective of self realization; and the kind of change that has its source in mental and emotional maturity and the understanding of the deeper meaning of life. 
• Defeat of Self Created Illusions
  The end of one’s self created illusions and a clear vision into the realities of life. The magical property of iridescence is also associated with the discovery of one’s own abilities by unmasking the real self and removing the doubts one casts on his/her own sense of identity. This again indirectly means self discovery and removal of inhibitions.
• Focus on living ‘IN’ the moment.   Symbolizes and exemplifies the virtue of living IN the moment and living life to the fullest. By living in the moment you are aware of who you are, where you are, what you are doing, what you want, what you don’t and make informed choices on a moment-to-moment basis. This ability lets you live your life without regrets like the great dragonfly.
• The opening of one’s eyes
  It symbolizes the uninhibited vision of the mind and the ability to see beyond the limitations of the human self. It also in a manner of speaking symbolizes a man/woman’s rising from materialism to be able to see beyond the mundane into the vastness that is really our Universe, and our own minds."

http://www.dragonfly-site.com/meaning-symbolize.html

A call with my public defender

As my time of freedom narrows, I am planning goals for each day to prepare. Some are rather small, some much larger. I just need to get it all done, best I can, and try not to procrastinate. At the same time, I need to keep studying, keep doing my job, and my other responsibilities. Even though I got a prison sentence, it does not give me the excuse to stop being responsible or moving forward.

My most important business today was a phone call with my public defender. So, you may ask... She was a public defender, did I get a good defense? Well, I think I got better than my money's worth. She was good... Not great. She didn't really try to understand me / gambling addiction or to defend me, but she did advocate for my needs at times, she respected my GA program, and she always returned my emails and calls. Since I paid nothing for her, I can not complain.

Today's call, however, was important, and it is an important lesson to anyone going through legal issues: ALWAYS READ YOUR LEGAL PAPERS! I hadn't received the sentencing documents from my hearing on Friday and so I asked for them yesterday. I read through them thoroughly. The judge failed to cross off a recommendation by the prosecution that after prison camp, I have 6 months radio frequency monitoring. The judge made it clear on friday that she didn't think that was necessary. But there it was, still in my document. At first my attorney told me that it doesn't matter because it isn't "checked," but neither were any of the other requirements that the judge is ordering (like 3 years supervision). I don't think my attorney was very happy because this is a real error that must be fixed meaning more hours. More work for her.

 My overall advice on public defenders - be nice to them. Say "thank you." Tell the truth. Write out your story, all of it, and give it to them. Let them "know" you. Think through a plea agreement. Always ask questions. Write your questions down and build them up so you can ask them all at once. It's okay to show emotion with your attorney. Listen to their advice, but it is only advice. It is okay to think something over. Get a copy of everything and keep a copy of everything (electronic okay). Get to know the attorney's assistant/paralegal, there are many things they can get you quicker. Give them as much advance warning of travel plans, medical needs, etc. bring someone with you when you talk to your atty to help you remember what was said. Fill out and mail forms on time. Dress appropriately, but you do not have to wear a suit.

My name is Dragonfly Hazel

This first post will be short, but I did not want this blog to be started without something on it. I am 40 years old, Caucasian, well educated (in fact I am currently obtaining my doctoral degree and I also have a juris doctorate degree), but none of my demographic information is important - I struggled with the demise of a debilitating, baffling, progressive addiction - compulsive gambling - for 14 years. Addiction will make the strongest people weak, the smartest people dumb, the most capable people incapacitated, the givers into takers, the rule makers into rule breakers, and the ethical into criminals. Such is the truth with me and so many I've met over the years. I am not unique. I am not special. I am a person who has had to overcome the realities of an insidious emotional illness. I am now five years clean from compulsive gambling - a disease that nearly took my life five years ago.

In about 60-90 days, I will be going to a federal women's prison camp as my punishment for stealing funds from my employer during my days of gambling. I believe there's a reason so much time passed between my crime and punishment and I believe my story may be able to help someone else struggling either with addiction and/or with the legal system. I looked all over online and found very little real information about preparing to go inside for women (much more information is available for men). So this blog will tell a story. A story that moves through the past and a story that tells of the preparation of what is happening as I prepare to go to prison. My sentencing was just a couple days ago. I had NO idea I would be sentenced to such a long time. My lawyer, friends, family, and I had not prepared for it. So, we all must prepare for it now. Come along with us. Learn. Chat. Share your story. This is our blog.

One year and one day.
Dragonfly Hazel