Last Day at School

I woke up perfectly at 5:30am central time. I've trained myself well to wake to the alarm of my watch. At least I will not dread the mornings. I highly recommend getting yourself ready for the early morning wake-ups if you are not already!

I did not make today a "light" day or a fun day. Although I will have a lot of fun anyway. I am spending the entire day doing what I love - teaching. I literally won't even have breaks. I'd figured I would offer to help facilitate the training program for new international teaching assistants this week - mind as well do what I absolutely love my last days here and remember what I hope to come home to.

Tonight I'm going to dinner and then a movie - a comedy. I can still live in the day - the moment - when I need to.

On Monday morning, my life will change forever. There is no book written for what that change will be for me and I'm going to keep believing that there is a positive purpose for my imprisonment, for the fact that I am needing to be at FMC Carswell.

At the time my life fell apart five years ago, I did not know these things, yet I now know there was a purpose then as well. I was supposed to get the help I needed and I was supposed to help others. I was supposed to meet T.S., Sporty, Survivor and others and down the road, I was supposed to come to terms with my past and my "family." I was supposed to discover a new career and engage in learning on a new level. Had I not gone through the difficult and unknown, none of that would exist for me today.

So, five years later, I'm being told to strip myself again -literally and figuratively - of everything I know and go through the difficult and unknown. I cannot know what will exist for me on the other side of this experience I am about to endure, but I will endure it, there will be an other side, and one day I will share with all of you once again that we must walk through these experiences in order to look back on them, reflect, and realize the gifts that we actually gained along the way.

The Last Week

What am I doing specifically in this last week to prepare to self surrender? So many things, but I am happy to highlight a couple of them:

- Instead of waking up to my cell phone alarm, I'm waking to my watch alarm so I can get used to it. I've also set it for the same time I'll be needing to wake at Carswell. I have tough mornings and need to acclimate myself.

- I'm also trying to get used to sleeping with one pillow, as I've been a two pillow gal a long time.

- I sent several of my favorite digital pictures to Walgreens to print. Not a ton, but a handful that I am mailing to myself just before my self-surrender. I'm hoping my friends will find fun pics with me in with them that they may send me, but I wanted some home memories to start with.

- I made a pile of my college transcripts to date to carry with me into the prison. I'm also still getting the remainder of my medical records together.

- I made sure my friend Sporty knows what clothes to send me for my release clothing.

- I gave my important passwords to my surrogates for when I'm gone. If you can't trust the person, don't make them a coach/surrogate for you!

- I figured out all the bills I could, my budget, my general commissary monthly need, and set up arrangements. No guarantees that everything will be perfect, but that's part of the consequences. Worst thing I could do is take no responsibility and put it all on someone else.

- I'm going to send out a reminder of my mailing address, the way the email system works, and that those who are emailing with me should check their spam mail in the two or so weeks following my ss.

Goodbyes are getting harder, especially with the people I'm closest with. It's almost too hard to get emotional at all, so I just say, "see ya." I'll be talking with them by phone anyway before I go. It's hard to believe that literally, as a new school year is beginning, I too am on a new path of learning. 

As a child I was a very lonely and hurt kid and I used to wish my parents WOULD send me off to military school. I figured I would be safer and better loved there, even with the hard discipline and rules. I may be a rarity of a kid to want to leave home that bad. I guess in some ways, that wish is coming true a little too late in life at a time when I do not need to leave my current life to feel safe or loved. It's very important, though, to remember that for most of us it is only temporary. All these preparations are only to give us the love and security we need to bring with us in an unknown, but it will not be forever for most of us. We will be coming home. Then I'll be able to write about life after I finally got my childhood wish...

Sleep Patterns

Our sleep in prison camp is going to be very different than at home. At home I sleep in a queen size bed all to myself. I toss and turn a lot - mostly due to my autoimmune condition causing pain and stiffness in my joints. In prison, I will be placed on a twin mattress as part of a bunk bed. They will do checks every two hours or so to make sure everyone is in their bed and accounted for by moving flashlights into our bunks. Even with earplugs ($0.15 in the commissary) we will hear the snoring, the toilet flushing, the bunk bed squeaking, the laughing, the book page flipping, the light cracking, the guard talking, the whispering, etc. Then, at 5:30am we will be woken up for our first standing count of the day.

The biggest thing I am going to do to prepare for the reality of sleeping at prison camp is getting my body used to a 5:30 wake up. Since I do not know what camp I will be sent to, I figure I should prepare for a 5:30 am eastern time wake up and if I happen to be placed in a later time zone, it will be easier. Starting August 1st, I will start waking up an hour earlier, then an hour earlier a week later, etc. until I am waking at 5:30am every morning. I will just need to figure out two things, what to do with my early mornings and how to stay awake all day.

My Coaches

In May, 2008, on the brink of suicide, having lost my family, employment, friends, and secrets... My secret gambling life being exposed, I threw out nearly everything I had valued over my 35 years of life - articles I was quoted in, pictures of my childhood, keepsakes from events I coordinated or attended, news stories from historical events, note books or papers that meant something, favorite books, nick naks, furnishings, transcripts, plays I wrote, artwork, and so much more. Crates, boxes, and shelves of stuff that moved with me from house to apartment to anywhere I called home. It grew over the years. Some of it was replaceable (like transcripts), some not (like my plays). I did not care at the time. It had no value to me because I had no value to me. I threw it all away.

Today, as I have to plan for a move where I cannot bring anything in with me, and I must sell things to help support me, I do not want to make the same mistake. I cannot afford to keep all my furniture and things stored. I also do not have the means to automatically afford the monthly balance I will need in my commissary account ($100+). I will do a later post on commissary needs. So, selling things must be part of my plan. Therefore, I need to balance value to me with value for my livelihood. 

This is where my coaches come in. I have a couple individuals in my life - Survivor and Traveler who are assisting me with decisions, especially the difficult decisions, I must make over the next several months. Traveler helps me with all things household. She is helping me decide what to sell and already telling me what not to sell (like my couch and one bedroom set) and will help with that process. Survivor helps with all things financial and she will send my commissary money orders once a month into prison camp. I will make no large financial decisions like what to do about my bills, etc without talking with Survivor first.

Going to prison is overwhelming. If you are given the opportunity to get your affairs in order and self surrender, don't try to do everything on your own. If you have a spouse and/or family that are supportive and willing to help, ask them! If they are not, ask a friend!!! Get a coach, someone you trust!!!! If your spouse is too angry to assist you, ask someone else.

The Notebook

It is red. Spiral bound. 120 pages. Lined, just like all my notebooks for school or for notes or for organizing. This notebook, I started yesterday.

In the top right corner, starting a couple pages in, I wrote the date and on each page after the next date between now and the end of August. There are pages blank at the end, I hope to add dates there as well. I hope to make it to the date I wrote on the top of the last page I wrote, Saturday, August 31st.

On the lines of each dated page are lists. Things to do. Things I must do to prepare to go to prison. There are so many big things, like move out of my apartment, give leave at my job, figure out my finances, etc., that they all break down into smaller tasks: figure out what furniture to sell, post items on Craig's list, rent storage locker, call capital one credit card, make appointment with supervisor, etc. 

This is what the red notebook is for. I cannot, in fact no one, can solve all their problems at once, and if we try to look at everything we must do, it is overwhelming and can become debilitating. So, plan it out. Small tasks. A couple a day. Progress each day. Goals that move me forward. 

Today included an email to a fellow GA member I met by chance over 2000 miles away from where I live who may actually be able to assist me in getting me out of my car lease. I also (with the help of a wonderful friend) packaged old school books to be shipped off - so I can make funds toward the expenses I am incurring as I prepare for prison and for my needs during incarceration. I dropped all the fall and spring courses I was scheduled to take and instead signed up for dissertation credits (something I can do as a doctoral student), so I do not lose my status as a student. I also reduced my funding for the time I am gone to only cover the tuition of the credits I am taking and no living expenses. All these will be marked out of my red notebook on 6/25. The things that I thought I would do today, but could not, I simply carry over to another day. There is no guilt for not getting everything done. We must take all that must be done just one day at a time.

One suggestion. Please put on a couple pages of your notebook (which can be any color by the way - mine was red and free) to take some time for yourself. Take a walk, take a nap, take yourself out to the movies, etc. Don't forget that YOU matter and that YOU deserve some mental preparation for prison as well.