8 Years

Mother's Day, 2016. This week marked my 8th anniversary of my "Devine intervention" - my last gamble, getting caught, coming clean with the people around me and myself, stopping my impending suicide, and beginning the path that would start my road to recovery. My life has certainly moved forward a long way, looking back I was in a place of believing myself "broken" and beyond repair. I was unlovable, never good enough, and undeserving of anything and everything in my life (these things I believed). I could not see past my own issues of addiction, shame, guilt, and fear to fully experience anything in my life.

Today, my life is full of wonder and awe. I live in confidence, love, honesty, openness, willingness, peace, and much more happiness. I am married and surrounded by young people. I give back to my community and do my best to do so without expectation of anything in return. I am forgiving. I seek forgiveness when necessary without expectation of forgiveness in return. I try to make healthy choices of mind, body, and spirit.

I make amends for my past in various ways both public and private. I speak openly as a felon and of my crime and those I hurt. I do not hide from my past, as perhaps I can help open minds and educate others. I take my recovery seriously and continue in my recovery knowing that no one is ever cured of addiction and that we must always be there for the new people who walk into our rooms. I give back by taking leadership through participation in Gambler's Anonymous intergroup and helping with area rooms and conferences. I make my monthly reports to my Probation Officer, showing that I have not gambled, have not done anything in violation of my supervision and that I am doing everything I can to ensure I would not find myself in the position to commit an addiction motivated crime again.

I rebuild relationships with those I hurt as much as I can. Any chance I see anyone in person, my openness, honesty, and willingness to speak and ask forgiveness is usually accepted. Those that have chosen to not forgive me, I will never give up trying to make amends to. I shall carry their names with me and if/when the time comes, I shall ask again. It will always be up to them.

I pay my restitution every month. Some months are harder than others to honestly meet the 10% of income threshold. We have 3 college students in our household and our finances are tight. It is a priority payment, though, and it is paid. It is something I do not just because I am told I must, but because it is a very real reminder of where just one gambling bet could take me. I do not have urges to gamble, but if I ever did, I just need to remember that I already have 10% of my income going out because of gambling, I certainly do not need more (besides violations of my supervision, etc.). I could not imagine anything taking me back to gambling, yet 95% of people who start recovery, do go back out. I guess I am fortunate to not have had a relapse (knock on wood). I surrendered to recovery and GA the minute I walked into the door. I knew I had a problem and wanted to find a way to stop. It was no longer fun - I just could not stop. GA gave me a way, as long as I was willing to sit and listen to those who stood in my shoes before me. Crazy to think I am now one of those people who helps the new person now.

Things have not been all roses. I have been sick for months. This academic semester brought with it the Norovirus and several additional infections over a period of time. I've had bronchitis for over 1 1/2 months. One thing seems to get better and the next hits me. My docs have me off all my meds for my chronic health issues in hopes that my body could fight off the infections, but it has not been helping, so my pain and fatigue levels have gone up. It's been very difficult and I was not able to finish my thesis this semester due to my health. I now have a goal of June. The stress of everything with fighting the school appeared to make it all a bit worst.

However, I am alive. I have a job I love. I am looking forward to classes that will challenge and enlighten me. I have an incredible family. I will get off supervision in 2016. I am loved. I am good enough. I deserve the good that happens in my life. What a difference 8 years makes!

I do want to put a shout out to all the Mom's in Carswell or incarcerated anywhere. I remember that day well. It is a very hard day for Mothers. Be good to your Mom today. Happy Mother's Day!

The Truth in Social Media

I was looking at my Facebook profile earlier today and it still said that I am an education student at my University. Which, of course, I no longer am. Last night, I discovered a similar issue on my old Instagram account. Throughout the social media world, I am listed as I saw myself prior to my incarceration and have not even thought about updating these things since I've been out... until today...

I imagine I have numerous accounts I don't even think about that are connected to life as it was, not as it is. I do feel, though, that I need to extend my honesty to my social networks and update my information when I discover outdated information. At the same time, I don't need to explain the 9 month gap of my life between August 2013 and May 2014 - if someone asks I'll tell them, but no one's bio says, "and this is the time I was at FMC Carswell." Before I went to prison, I had hoped that I would obtain my PhD by 2016. Now, I am looking at 2018/2019. Quite a difference. These are the changes I am making to my bios.

Experts in the world of social media, employment, and privacy laws warn folks to be careful with what we put out in cyber space. Do you really want your future boss knowing that you were up all night downing shots or that you swear in all your tweets? You may think your privacy settings are such that only those you want will be able to see your updates, but there are a myriad of ways for people to learn about others through social media. When I am about to hire someone, I often google them. I know that people google me as well. I don't need to put anything about my crime or incarceration on my social media, because when they google me, they will learn all about it.

I figure I should just be myself in my social networking world. I am not suave, so I don't need to appear suave. I am not perfect, so I do not need to appear perfect. I'm nerdy, in recovery, bookish, into the arts, a technology geek, quirky, funny, independent, and creative... I think that's what comes out when someone looks at my persona in the social media world.

For ex-felons, it is even more important that we be aware of what our social media presence appears like. Our PO's may be keeping an eye on us through these networks, even if we are unaware of it. Travel outside your region and check-in to a restaurant on Facebook and your PO will know it. Tweet that you are with your bestie from the prison and you may be going back to the prison. Upload a pic to Instagram of you getting high and see how fast your are brought in for a urine sample. Whether you use your real name or not, do not try to play stupid using social media while on parole/ supervision. I truly believe our PO's are much smarter than many of us give them credit for.

All that being said, I don't think for one second that I am really anonymous with this blog. A lot of my friends and family read it and know who I am, obviously. A lot of people I was locked up with know about it. Many of the CO's inside read it - including several that made some backwards comments to me at times about it. It's not hard to figure out who I am - hmmm... one of 4 Jewish women. 5' tall. Entered on August 19th. Left on May 28th. Lived in One North. Gambling addiction. Yaddah, yaddah, yaddah (thanks Seinfeld). I may not use my name, but I did choose to identify myself in numerous ways. I did that because I want to be a real person to everyone who reads this. I did not want this blog to feel like it's being written from a third person point of view.

I have no idea how my PO would or will react if/when he learns about this blog. It is such an important part of my life now. It has almost been over a year of writing nearly every day. I am ten days away from the anniversary of my self-surrender. This blog started as the story of someone preparing for self-surrender, became the story of someone incarcerated, and now talks of like beyond bars. I think it is important that I keep writing. I hope you all feel that although you don't know my direct name or my exact town, that you feel that you know me as a person... I am updating all my social networks, however, I think for now, being Dragonfly Hazel is a persona divide that I am going to maintain for a while.

Letting the Control Go

My struggle, as with so many others, is trying to control things that are simply outside my control - which entails all people, places, and things. I don't really try to control people or places, but I certainly do things... but sometimes that does cross over to people and places. My anxiety I wrote about in the middle of the night was connected to this. I want to control both the University and the people working in admissions to tell me the status of my admission on my terms - not theirs. I will always find anxiety and disappointment when I put expectations on others. Truth is, whether or not I know my status tomorrow or next week, it will not matter. I just need to know before the 13th for my assistantship to be able to start officially the following week when it should. That is still several days away, so, I need to allow the people, places, and things responsible for helping make that occur to do their jobs and I need to LET GO.

Perhaps you can tell, but I did have a much better day today. After sleeping nearly 10 hours last night, I woke up bright eyes and bushy tailed and as Sporty put it, "really nerdy today!" I was cracking jokes, making funny accents, and just generally having more pep in my walk. I went into work a little early and immediately produced some good stuff for my supervisor and didn't push her on whether she'd talked to admissions or not. I didn't need to know.

Later in the morning, my supervisor did talk to me about having called admissions and that the conversation went something like this:
"She is admitted and she has gotten all the documents in that we need. We are just waiting for some additional documents..." From whom and from where is unknown to my supervisor and myself. They also said that it could be 10 days (from last Thursday) before we know my status. Well, okay. They said that they told me that, but I would've definitely remembered them giving me a timeline - and they did not. They indicated to me that they would quickly process it because fall semester is about to begin. Oh well - release control!

So, I felt that it was important to let the criminal justice department know what was happening. This is what I wrote to the Director who I first spoke with when I went to visit the department:

"I wanted to give you an update on my admissions status at [the University]. I am very excited to be starting courses with the Criminal Justice program later this month. I just want to make you aware that my admissions has been put on hold at the Admissions office, due to my background of having a felony. It has been on hold since July 7th. They are checking to ensure I am not a harm to the University or community. I am not sure the standard they use in that decision. They told me that I should know my status soon, but I do not know when. I just wanted to inform you of this because I have been unable to register for my courses, although I already have them "planned" and will immediately register and officially enroll once my background is cleared. I, also, thought it would be best to let someone in the department know of the hold on my admission. Please let me know if you have any questions/concerns."

At first, I received a basic response that they appreciate me contacting them and will file my note. Just a few minutes later, though, I received this email from someone else from the Department:

"Thank you... The School of Criminal Justice has asked the Office of Admissions to lift the hold and process admission. Our request must first be approved by the College of Social Science and the Graduate School, but I do not anticipate much more delay. Have a good afternoon, and I'll keep an eye on your admission status as well!"

It was such a pleasant surprise that they did this on my behalf. I cannot control the actions of the College of Social Science or the Graduate School (and as you know I have history with the graduate school), but it means so much that the Department is willing to do what they can to get me through the admission process without my having to ask.

While usually the statement that we cannot control people, places, or things comes from our inability to get what we want. However, in this case, it appears that although I couldn't control people, places, or things today, several people went out on a limb on my behalf on their own. I released control and good things happened. I do not know and cannot control what the University admissions decision will be or when I will receive the news. However, I know that there are many people who have my back through this process and I need to just allow everyone to do what they need to do and I need to get out of the way and stop trying to control everything!

Stand Up, Sit Down

Last night, I had the opportunity to run diversity activities with the high school youth at my job. They are staying on campus this week and they requested me to do activities similar to what I'd done last year with them. I had a lot of fun, as did the youth. There were moments of laughter, silence, deep thought, and hugs. There's one specific activity I facilitated that always appears to have a deep impact - sometimes I run it as "cross the room" and sometimes "stand up, sit down," but either activity is very similar. Last night, the students participated in stand up, sit down.

In this activity, I first set the guidelines, which include what is shared in the room stays in the room, respect for each other, absolute silence, no forcing anyone to stand, no laughing at anyone, and only reveal that which you choose to reveal. No one is forced to reveal anything about themselves that they are not comfortable with. Once the guidelines are set, and I can see all the youth agree to them by nodding their heads, I start reading a listing of comments. After each comment, the youth decide if it applies to them and they stand up if it does, or stay seated if it does not. I always start with simple ones, like "stand up if you wear glasses or contacts." Those that do stand up. I wait a couple seconds so everyone can see who is standing and who is not. They are all in a circle of chairs, so everyone can see one another. After a few seconds, I say, "you can be seated." So, as I read the 40+ statements, the students are essentially doing a lot of sitting crunches. Up, down, up, down, up, down... but in reality, no one stands for everything I say. Here's an example of some of the statements I read after the "stand up if...":

• in the past year, you have been in a relationship that hurt
• you are a person of color
• you have felt embarrassed about the economic class of your family
• you come from a family of four or more children (85% stood)
• you are an only child (1 person stood)
• you are being raised by someone other than your parents
• you have low self-esteem
• you feel lonely
• you feel physically unattractive
• you are good at sports
• you, a member of your family, or a close friend is gay, lesbian, or bisexual
• you have been teased about your accent or voice
• you have ever felt alone, unwelcome, or afraid
• you have a learning or physical disability
• you have experienced alcoholism in your family
• you have experienced drug addiction in your family
• you have experienced suicidal thoughts at some point in your life

There were many more statements. Every statement I made was followed by several students standing. There they were, among their peers, sharing intimate details about their life. I used to be a bit cautious about how "deep" I allowed the statements to go when I was working with youth. For years, I led this activity as "cross the room" at the summer camp I help organize. What I learned year after year was that the youth loved participating in this activity. They liked revealing things about their lives and seeing that they were not alone in anything. Nearly every serious question results in multiple youth sharing that issue. It helps them. Year after year, the youth would ask me to add more and more statements. By my last year running this activity with the youth, I had a list of more than 100 statements. The youth never seemed to tire of the activity.

After the exercise, the youth are broken into age groups and have a discussion about the activity. They share insights and emotions. The activity can be draining, but the youth always say they would like to do participate in it again.

I've learned through the years of running this activity with youth, that youth want to share things about their lives. The problem they find, though, is that there are few listeners or people they trust to just talk with. An activity like this allows them to reveal what they want in a safe environment. Something that may have been a secret is now out and they don't have to harbor their feelings about it. As a person in recovery, I now understand how important it is to give people those safe spaces to share. I'm always surprised by how much youth want to talk about their lives if they are asked the right questions.

I carry this over to adults as well. I've actually run activities like this with adults and, in fact, I modified it from an adult activity I once participated in. However, adults don't necessarily find themselves in the types of environments where activities like this can occur.  Therefore, as caring adults, we need to ask these questions of our friends. We need to ask and listen. Perhaps some people are too closed off to share, but others will enjoy the opportunity to open up and reveal things they thought no one else would care to hear about. Sometimes, you may just learn something fascinating about someone that you thought you knew so much about. It's important that we all share things about our lives. It helps people reflect on their life experiences when sharing them. It also helps friendships become stronger. I challenge all of you to take the time to ask questions and share with a friend. It may help them and you at the same time!

A New Meeting

Sporty and I started a new gamblers anonymous meeting tonight. Four people attended, which is good because it is not advertised yet. I chaired the meeting and it felt great! We were able to celebrate Sporty's 6 year anniversary, which was wonderful as well.

The two others at the meeting have been in GA for years, but struggle to stay clean. They are both back just a few months since their last relapses. It's so hard to see people struggle so much with this debilitating addiction. There's no magic cure, we can just pray that at some point they will be able to surrender fully to recovery. Only recovery can really help when the urges to gamble are so strong. Recovery is so much more than attending meetings - it's working the steps, checking in with a sponsor, getting involved, finding ways to fill the void, connecting with fellowship, believing in a higher power, and most of all ACCEPTANCE that we really do have an addiction.

I was very lucky when I came to GA. The meetings I attended were filled with people who worked the full program and achieved many years of clean time. I even know a couple with more than 45 years in the program. With so many people relapsing, it's inspiring to meet people who have not only stayed clean, but who continue to attend meetings and share their wisdom after 5, 10, or more years.

It's really weird to think that I may be one of those people now. Where I live now, there's only a handful of people with more than 5 years clean. Even fewer that have done the steps and really done the hard recovery work. I suppose it's a gift that Sporty and I have something to offer this community - the wisdom gained from our meetings where we used to live. Paying it forward.

I imagine it'll take a couple months for the new meeting to be strongly attended. That's okay, we've helped start two meetings in the past. We won't get discouraged. What matters is that we are giving people another night of the week to attend a GA meeting if they need it. Even if it's just the two of us some weeks, it'll be okay. We only need two people to make it a meeting. And, as is said in any recovery program, meetings make it!!

"Dragonfly"

While I do not suggest I am these things, I do suggest these are things we strive for in our recovery program one day at a time.

"Symbolisms of the Dragonfly:

• Maturity and a Depth of character
  The dragonfly, in almost every part of the world symbolizes change and change in the perspective of self realization; and the kind of change that has its source in mental and emotional maturity and the understanding of the deeper meaning of life. 
• Defeat of Self Created Illusions
  The end of one’s self created illusions and a clear vision into the realities of life. The magical property of iridescence is also associated with the discovery of one’s own abilities by unmasking the real self and removing the doubts one casts on his/her own sense of identity. This again indirectly means self discovery and removal of inhibitions.
• Focus on living ‘IN’ the moment.   Symbolizes and exemplifies the virtue of living IN the moment and living life to the fullest. By living in the moment you are aware of who you are, where you are, what you are doing, what you want, what you don’t and make informed choices on a moment-to-moment basis. This ability lets you live your life without regrets like the great dragonfly.
• The opening of one’s eyes
  It symbolizes the uninhibited vision of the mind and the ability to see beyond the limitations of the human self. It also in a manner of speaking symbolizes a man/woman’s rising from materialism to be able to see beyond the mundane into the vastness that is really our Universe, and our own minds."

http://www.dragonfly-site.com/meaning-symbolize.html