December Supervision Update and More

A couple months ago I posted that my P.O. had stated that I should be off supervision by the holidays (remember?). Later, Freckles posted that her P.O. stated that she was told that nearly no one gets off supervision. Well, it is the holidays... what's my status?

I have been on supervision a total of 17 months of my 3 year sentence. Word was that most people have to do at least 18 months, so there's that. What about the "before the holidays," stuff though? I had to go see my P.O. and I have been pushing him in a cordial kind of way... "any movement?" "anything I can do?"

One thing I did was bring in my Carswell certificate that showed I took a class in financial budgeting. It was a requirement of my supervision that I have a financial course and encouraged that I do it while still incarcerated. I didn't mind doing so. It was informative and Glitter taught it. I went for six weeks and we watched videos, filled out paperwork, took a pre and post test. It was legit. I received a certificate and points on my official paperwork for completing it. It was one of the few educational activities where I was a participant and not the educator. My P.O. made a copy of the certificate last time I was there and we crossed that requirement off my paperwork, or so I thought.

Last week, I talked to my P.O. again due to my needing permission to travel for Thanksgiving, and he informed me that he still wanted me to get in another financial seminar ("I don't care how short or long it is"). I guess pushing these programs while still incarcerated don't count once we are out. Luckily, I had several workshops I'd been to that we could choose from. We selected a workshop I recently attended with the youth I work with where I actually took a selfie with Rev. Jessee Jackson Sr. Telling my P.O. that I had a selfie with Rev. Jackson resulted in his wanting me to text him a copy of the photo. While not nearly as informative as the seminar I attended at Carswell, the one day workshop with Jessee Jackson crossed that "t" and dotted that "i," and there was nothing remaining on my requirements from court for concern. No matter what anything may think of Rev. Jessee Jackson, the workshop was really good and he was inspirational to the youth - also, he was impressive to my P.O. which is all that really matter!!!

So, was that enough? Well, no.

Being qualified to be recommended for early release from supervision and having your P.O. actually seek it are two entirely different things! I had done everything expected of me for the last 17 months - monthly reports, paying more than expected in restitution, maintaining my employment, school, solid family life, no negative police interactions, clean from gambling, active in recovery, etc., but there are several people that must make the decision to ACT before anything can happen and the first level had initially decided to NOT act.

My P.O. informed me that the office was so overwhelmed with "bad" drug dealers that they did not have time to go to court to request my early release. Early release is the lowest priority in such a busy office. With the number of people recently being released from prisons, they are just too burdened to take on the work of early release. He admitted he was going to try to get me released before, but too much work has now piled upon him. I think he could see my disappointment as I just stared at him knowing that he had all the power in that room.

I did not let it entirely go, though. I brought up the fact that travel is a real part of my life - as all our family members live out of state and I am constantly burdening him with travel requests.

Next thing that happened is that my P.O. decided that he would call the prosecutor from my case and see if there would be an opposition to early release. If not, it will be much simpler to go forward. That phone call should have occurred this past week. I am supposed to hear back from my P.O. tomorrow.

My P.O. asked me if the prosecutor was being really tough on me. I said that, honestly, he was tough in the fact that he asked for prison and a year and a day, but that he could have gone with the statutory minimums of 3-5 years. My P.O. laughed and said, "he went for a year and a day?"

I said, "I know, he wanted me to be able to get time off..."
My P.O. said, "exactly." One year and I'd have served exactly 365 days in prison and instead I was able to served about 10 months!

I also said that the prosecutor allowed me to hold on to my passport and go to South Africa between arraignment and sentencing. This fascinated my P.O. "You went to South Africa??"

"Yeah, they said I was a good bet." Meaning I wouldn't run. "I told them that they should use a different choice of words on me."

My P.O. is the one person in the legal system who understands my sense of humor around my gambling addiction. I reminded my P.O. that I am 7 1/2 years clean from gambling. I am also 7 1/2 years since any wrong doing.

I do not know what could happen. Will I be released from supervision before my three years are finished or will I have the opportunity to have a judge consider me for early release? These are outside my control.  I will just keep doing the right thing whether on or off supervision and hope that I continue to maintain a decent relationship with my P.O.

Honesty, Open-Mindedness, and Willingness are three words we learn in recovery --- I think they are applicable in our relationships with our P.O.'s as well!

The Monthly Report

Like clockwork as it is set to do, I hear the ring - beep, beep, beep... I look to my phone. It is my monthly reminder that my supervision report is due. I also have to pay my 10% restitution based on my gross income for last month. Snoozing the alarm is not an option. There is a deadline and I do not intend to miss it.

The first thing I do once I make sure I am on my computer and ready, is bring up the document I have that gives me all my logins and passwords. Everything is on government websites and none of the logins are easy to remember or changeable. I put everything in a safe and secure place that I know to look to when it's time to do my report and payment.

I usually do my payment first, because I will need to provide the amount in the report, although as long as I know the amount, the order does not matter. Some jurisdictions allow for online payments and others require mailed in payments or allow for phone in payments. Your PO may not actually know. Usually the website for the clerk of the court you were sentenced in has the answer or you can call and ask. My PO lets me pay after the month is complete, that's a conversation to have with your PO about when they expect payments to be paid.

Once I know I've made my payment, I log onto the website for monthly reports. Every federal person on supervision is using the same website so make sure you have a decent internet connection. It is not the most advanced technology.

The questions are pretty basic and most answers are kept from month to month, so I only have to edit changes - even my financials stay in there. I always have to edit the end balances of my bank accounts. I suppose that's a way to ensure we are paying attention. I mean most people wouldn't have the exact same balance in their checking month after month. I had to put in that I had to pay a parking ticket that T.S. got when she parked my car one day. I entered the amount I paid in my restitution. Most months that is the same - 10% of my graduate assistant stipend.

I always review the full report before hitting submit, nervous that I missed something or wrote something incorrectly. I just don't want to do anything that could misrepresent the truth. I haven't had any trouble with my reports so far, but like so many other rituals within the DOJ, I have no idea if and how they are used.

In a month I will likely be packing up my house, just days away from moving to our new digs when I will hear those beeps reminding me that it is once again time to do my report. I will sit down next to my computer, pay my 10% and fill out my report. This time I will need to ensure my PO knows that my address is about to change. Other than that, most answers will continue to be the same. Most likely, of course. The monthly report. The reminder that I am still not free.

Chicken Tortilla Soup from Scratch

Prior to incarceration, I wouldn't have attempted it. I'm not a cook. Whenever I wanted to help in the kitchen as a child, I was shooed away. Later in life, nothing was ever made except what went in the microwave. I always enjoyed home cooked meals, but doubted my own abilities. Since being home, I've branched out and tried and failed a few times - never ask me to make those puffy Thai noodles unless you want me to burn down the house! But, I've also had some successes! One of those is a wonderful chicken tortilla soup recipe!

It's healthy, has a kick to it, and tastes darn good! I'm proud of myself for learning the recipe, doing a little experimenting, and having decent success with it more than once. It's gonna be a staple food in my life for a while, I can tell!

It's an example that it's really never too late to learn something new. I don't ever think cooking will necessarily come easy to me, but I can never again say that "I can't cook," and Carswell actually taught me that. Carswell also taught me the real value of happiness. Even in my bad days since being home, I've been happy. How could I not be? Life is soooo good! I have everything I need and more! I am allowed to have choice, to think, to dream, to open a door and step outside, to smell fresh air whenever I want to, to ride a bus, to walk a dog, to sleep past six, to wear jeans, to own twenty pairs of shoes if I want to, to use the Internet, to reach out to friends anytime, to eat when I'm hungry, to sleep when I'm tired, to hug anyone I want to, ... What's not to love and be happy about? I can cook in a pot, on a stove, with fresh water, with real chicken, fresh vegetables, and savory spices. I can add any kind of cheese I want, and even sour cream - real sour cream. My mayo is refrigerated, so is my lunch meat and salad dressings.

Sure, about 2 1/2 months, I should be fully acclimated to life on the outside again. I think I pretty much am. My driving is what it always was. My technology geekiness is back full swing, I enjoy wearing a full range of colors and shoes. I spend time with family and friends like no time has past. 

It's different now, though. I know it, and they know it. It's subtle in some ways and not so subtle in others. I have stories of prison life that are now just a part of me. Some are curious, some don't want to hear them. I don't separate myself from any of my experiences. I'm genuinely more content - for better or worse. I'm also willing to try new things - like cook a new recipe... Even if it results in the smoke alarm beeping a few dozen times. Hey, I'm used to that, we had fire drills constantly at Carswell!!!

Monthly Report

There is a required report each month that goes to probation. It's a requirement that it be completed the first few days of the month, although I was warned that sometimes the system crashes. Every person on federal supervision trying to do their report at the same time, that's a lot of server traffic!

Since my supervision started July 2nd, I completed my first report this evening. It was clear skies throughout my reporting - waiting til night is probably a good choice. What was not a good choice, though, was my unprepared self trying to answer detailed questions about all my finances this month. I checked the box, "follow up with my probation officer" on nearly every question. I now remember my PO telling me to track every expense, but I didn't. I tracked the big stuff and my regular bills, but I didn't track every time I bought gasoline or what I spent eating out at a restaurant. I carried a small amount of cash with me and I did not track where every penny went. How many times did I ride the public bus for $0.60/ride? What about when I pooled my money with others and then paid for a meal? Do I report the full amount that I used my debit for, or just the amount I actually paid? I lived within my budget, but I did not track my expenses in the way I need to.

Starting tomorrow, I'm going to carry a small pad of paper with me everywhere. I will track all my expenses there. Early in G.A., I did something similar in order to learn to live on a real budget. Now, I have the duty to report everything to the Feds every month and I don't want any red flags on my file. I did the best I could for July, I guess that's all I can do now. 

It's been easy to forget the supervision reporting requirement since everything was given to me at a meeting a month ago and never revisited. Today was a wake-up call, though, that I need to get my act together. Maybe with the need to record every penny spent, I will be motivated to spend less. It's not like I've had the money to go crazy, but knowing I need to justify purchases should help me stay closer to needs over wants.

I will not complain about the reporting rules, though. It's such a small requirement compared to incarceration. I need to remember that I'm still not quite free, even when it feels as if I am. Some day I'll have true financial freedom. Until then, though, I will track expenses and report in as instructed.

Probation Flies In

Yesterday afternoon, I talked with my PO and he asked me when I would be home today. I'd always thought that he would just "show up," but he actually set a time with me to come by my home. Well, okay.

This afternoon, he came by with another officer, a woman, who was introduced to me and I immediately forgot her name. I do that a lot. Immediately, my PO says that they do not have a lot of time, so I should take them on a tour of my home.

Superdog was in the basement, since my PO told me that I must keep my dog away from the officers. However, they asked to start the tour with the basement. Superdog is an incredibly well trained dog - does therapy in nursing homes - yet the officers immediately backed away from her and told me to grab her collar and lock her in somewhere. I selected the half bath - poor Superdog had no idea why I was forcing her into a bathroom.

My PO used a flashlight as we moved around the house. It was daylight and I turned on lights as we went from room to room, but I guess he was cool looking like the officers on law and order or CSI. I always wondered why they didn't turn lights on when walking into a crime scene. Not that there's any crime scene at my home. The worst thing he saw was unmade beds and a pile of laundry. 

The place most thoroughly checked was my closet, but more to say that it was really a long closet than to see what was in there (clothes, hangers, bags...). Even the nearly silent female officer made a comment about the long closet. Glad they showed some interest in my place.

I talked to my PO for about ten seconds about what's going on with school, and he said to mention that he will gladly talk to them if they want. I need to fill out a release of information, of course. He also told me to bring a tracking sheet to all my GA meetings, even though the sheet is AA/NA - they really don't prepare for other 12-step programs.

Less than ten minutes later, the officers were heading out the door. I spoke to them with respect and manners. I called him, "Sir," and told her that "it was nice to meet you." I wasn't even thinking about who these individuals are and the power they currently have over me. A small mis-step and I could be headed back to Carswell. 

I am not a danger to anyone. I think my PO knows it. On his voicemail he ends with, "have a drug-free day." Unless he's talking about methotrexate and enbrel, I don't think he's referring to me. I don't know if everyone just gets fly-by stops that are scheduled by their PO's or if they have more frequent interaction, but I'm great with how today went. Maybe next time he schedules a stop, I'll have tea and crumpets waiting (although I don't think he's allowed to accept any food or beverages from a client).

Letters of Recommendation

In order to be admitted to the criminal justice program at my University, I needed to include three letters of recommendation. For some reason, two of the letters were shared with me when sent to the department. Most professors do not share their letters, but these did and it was a blessing to read their words.

I know that I have a couple degrees, but I never felt worthy of them. I never believed myself smart enough - always comparing myself to the smartest people in the room and falling short. I always felt like an impostor. The "fake" me was earning these rewards, the "real" me did not deserve any of them. Even when I walked across the stage to gain my diploma from law school, already hired at a firm, it didn't feel like I'd earned that right.

My mind was sick. I didn't believe in myself. I saw all accolades as lies. Everything good that happened to/for me was by chance. I hated myself and knew deep down that everyone hated me too. The emotional illness feeding my addiction was all-consuming.

When I applied the last round to my doctoral programs, I cast a wide net. I did not know how programs would rate my past experience, as I was not always working directly in the education sphere. I was surprised to be accepted to my top choice and several other top schools. On paper, I look good.

So, what happens when you go from what's on paper to who I am in person? In my younger years, I was able to sell myself, but I did not believe a word I said. Even though on paper it was the truth, I felt disconnected from it. Undeserving. Although I'd been in recovery several years before my last round of applications, some of that still lasted... Was I deserving this opportunity in this program?

It was not until I finished my first year in the doctoral program, that I fully realized I was capable and that I did not have to be the smartest person in the room to succeed. We all have our own gifts and we each bring something different to the classroom, to our research, and to discourse. If we all interpreted everything the same, then no change would ever occur. No scholarship would need to be published. By the time I was in my second year, I felt secure, intelligent enough, and capable. I'd earned my right to be a doctoral student.

Now, here I am (re)applying to graduate programs. I have no fears of my worthiness. I earned enough high marks in my doctoral program to equal any top applicant. It's not intelligence that makes the difference between who succeeds and who fails, it is motivation, passion, and of course hard work. Looking back at my lifetime of success, now, I'm able to see those same qualities throughout. My success was not as an impostor, it was from hard, motivated work. 

When reading the letters of recommendation this week, I can officially accept that they are writing about the "real" me. I'm a whole person, with successes and failures, but even with my worst failures that led to unimaginable consequences, my successes still win out. I learn from my failures and try to do the right thing. No person is perfect, even if I held myself to that unattainable goal for most my life.

I will share with you one line from one of the letters. It said that I was probably "the top undergraduate that [she] had in [her] 30+ years of teaching." I have no idea if it is true, but it does not matter, because she believes it to be true and my being her student led to us both growing as people. I did not do my undergrad at some top university that earns accolades. It was a state school, and not the flagship state school. I never knew if I would have been accepted to a top school, I never applied. I left high school early, needing to leave my home life, and went to the furthest college I could and still be an in-state student. I do not regret that decision, as it allowed me the opportunity to learn from and work with the professor who wrote that line in one of my recommendation letters. Everything happens as it should.

I will sit down this weekend and write thank you letters to my three recommenders. Whether or not I am admitted, I know they put thought and effort into their pieces of the admission puzzle. I know I've earned their praise, even if it is sometimes hard to accept. I am smart and capable and I will add something unique to any program and classroom. I now know and accept that fact.

Supervision

It has been over a week since I met with my PO and I haven't heard from him, he has not stopped by, and I don't (yet) feel any strings pulling me (imagine a puppet). With the restraints of the past year, I feared supervision still resulting in the feeling of being contained. Instead, I feel remarkably free.

My only limit that I really feel so far, is the inability to travel out of state. Truth is, though, finances won't allow me to travel anyway. Without my scooter, I don't even have a current method of transportation. I'm taking public buses to/from campus everyday for my no-pay job. Luckily, I have a lot of quarters. So, my travel consists of where the local buses can take me and I'm comfortable with that fact.

Actually, there is one drawback. The 2pm bus I take home from campus everyday is the last trip before leaving work for the bus driver, so, he drives like a maniac! He swerves, he hits curbs, he drives in the middle of the street... I actually got motion sickness the other day and had to wear those motion sickness arm bands on his bus trip the next day. Luckily, today was his day off, so my ride went smooth and the geeky arm bands stayed in my satchel.

The bus stop is a couple minute walk from my home. Last year, when I was so sick, I wouldn't have been able to walk it. Now, I enjoy every bit of the walk - especially with the nice weather (although I understand the weather down at Carswell is so hot that they are closing the compound... It's never good to keep the inmates all cooped up for too long...). 

I imagine sometime soon, I will see my PO at work or home, or perhaps he will call. I'll be able to tell him about my application into the university, loving being back at my job, and that my goal is to be officially hired and start earning wages on August 15th. 

In the meantime, life is about trying to not spend money (never easy), keep my health up, stay grateful, and keep moving forward while I never forget the people I care about. I won't throw people away that matter. As long as I know I'm doing the next right thing!

I'm going to get to some of those questions a few of you wrote to me after the friend update very soon. I want to spend some time on them. I was also asked to be a guest blogger on someone else's prison related blog. I've never done that before, so I'm trying to work on the right topic. I never run out of things to write, but as all this blog's readers can attest to, some blog posts are better than others!!

I am not going to tell my PO at the present time about the fact that I'm starting to write a book - well, actually working on three books. One has been within me for many, many years, but I didn't know how to end it until now. Another has grown out of my recent experiences. The third is the book I wish I had to prepare myself for self-surrender. I have a lot of dreams and goals in my life, and now I'm embarking on one I've had for more than 20 years - to write a book that sells! I believe I have it in me.

Anyway, this post has certainly swayed around topics quite a bit, but the most important item I'm sharing is that being on "paper," "street time," "probation," "supervision," (whatever you choose to call it), isn't so bad. You no longer have someone pulling all your strings and controlling all your movements. You have choices and as long as you choose healthy, legal things, you will do just fine!

Keep your fingers crossed that the bus driver has tomorrow (oops, after midnight... today) off as well!!!

Opening the Door

Many of us have a lot held in. We have things we don't tell everyone, just our closest friends and family. It's normal to use discretion when we talk with colleagues- they don't need to know everything about us.

It is pretty great, though, when someone opens the door to a conversation you never thought you'd had. Yesterday, I realized that I did just that for a work colleague. She is very work oriented and while I know some basic things about her life and grand kids, I don't know all that much about her personal life.

While driving and walking to a meeting, yesterday, we started talking about nutrition and food. I was telling her about how food crazy I've been since coming back. That's when she revealed that when she picked her nephew up from prison, he was craving certain foods. She and I then talked a bit about her nephew and I could sense she was happy to be talking about him without any judgement coming her way. She has loved one or more people who have had an experience similar to mine and that was all that mattered.

In the past week of work (for no pay), I'm feeling great being in my old office and doing work that matters. From the very beginning, when I was first hired, we all felt that this was a perfect fit for me and the organization. Being back, I sense that everyone still feels that way.

In a couple weeks, I'll know my status for reentry into my university and whether I can accept the graduate research assistantship so I can continue working there. There's a part of me that knows this is all going to work out! Even if it didn't, though, it's good to know that I'll have this office of wonderful colleagues that I feel safe being open with, and they feel safe being open with me.

First Meeting with P.O.

I need to start by apologizing for not posting yesterday. By evening, I was really not feeling well and fell asleep in my clothes until morning (although I was woken a few times). I'm much better today, plus I was given the opportunity to start volunteering at my old job on campus, so today was a great day!!!

My first meeting with my PO went for 2 1/2 hours. He promised it would be the longest meeting we ever have. Here's pretty much what the meeting entailed...

The PO's office is in the downtown region of the smallish city I live in at a federal building. I walk in and I'm literally the only person in the entire entryway, except for three security officers. I'm immediately asked if I have any electronic devices - ummm, yeah, my cell phone. I'm told I cannot bring my phone into the building and I must go and put it in my car - along with any weapons I may be carrying. I say something like, "I almost took the bus here, it's a good thing I drove," which is followed up by them with, "yeah, it is..." So, if I took the bus, I wouldn't even be allowed to check the phone with security, I just would not be allowed in - period.

So, I go back to the expensive garage I had to park in, leave behind my phone (I don't have weapons...) and walk back in. This time, I go through the metal detector, which shows two 'hot spots' on my body - left hip and upper back. So, the only female guard wands me - it goes off on my zipper, my bra straps, and my bra closure. I think they have it all set a little too sensitive. After being pat down (I'm used to this), I am told to go up to the second floor and keep turning left.

I am the only one going up a grand staircase and on the second floor, the only person I see is another guard. This place is eerily quiet. If you wanted a good place for a haunted house, I think I found it. So, in the silent corridors, I turn left, left, and left and find myself at the federal probation office. It says, "come on in."

So, in my head, I had a picture of what a PO office would be like. Folding chairs set up in rows. Screaming children. Scary men with hating eyes. Okay, the DMV, only more chaotic and scarier. Instead, I walk in and it's empty. It is a small waiting room, with six cushiony chairs, a lamp, some brochures, and bullet-proof glass separating the waiting room from the administrative desk next to the door that leads to all the professional offices. With the box of tissue next to the table lamp, it looked exactly like a therapists waiting room. Once again, it was eerily quiet. The admin person was away from her desk, so I just sat down and comfortably waited in silence. I whispered the serenity prayer to myself.

My PO came out to introduce himself about ten minutes later. He has one of those names that is spelled a way that you think it's a common name, but in fact it's pronounced entirely different and you'd better not goof it up. He handed me an 80 question survey to assess my drug/alcohol abuse, mental state, and  thoughts about my acceptance of my crime. It's the kind of psychological survey that asks each question in three different ways to ensure honesty. I finished it in under five minutes.

The admin person showed up, opened the door, and asked if I was who I am. I guess they weren't expecting anyone else. This place was soooo empty - I mean, don't they have people that need to check-in? She explained she had been entering my information all morning into the computer - procrastination??

My PO brought me to his office. I discovered he has a law degree and he told me he's been working on all sides of the criminal process for a long time. He seems to like being a PO. He kind of made it clear that my educational/ professional background and my type of crime was not typical of the people he supervises on release. He said a lot of, "I guess I don't need to do [blah, blah, blah] with you..." It didn't stop him, though from being very tough on my restrictions on supervision.

Important to note, however, is that it is entirely possible to be released from supervision early. How does one do that? Follow ALL the rules, don't make them nervous about any behavior/ decisions, and always check in when you are supposed to. I have a goal of being off supervision by June 30, 2015. 

I had to do a drug urine test. A female PO watched me through one-way glass while I made a mess trying to catch enough liquid. I hate doing urine tests. I was embarrassed about the mess, and tried cleaning up the drips best I could. She said to not worry, they clean it up every night. Whew. 

My PO and I went through a lot of paperwork. There were forms I had to sign - like the fact that I'm prohibited from owning a gun or explosive device. I had no idea that some fireworks count as explosive devices under that rule and not only can't I do them, but no one around me can either. My PO said that a sparkler is the most advanced firework he would recommend.

It took a while going through all my rules and restrictions. He gave me a map of my state and showed me what constitutes my district. That is where I can freely travel. However, he is allowing me to the eastern side of the state for day-trips or quick outings. He may permit me to stay overnight on the eastern side for a GA conference coming up in August.

I am not allowed to travel anywhere else for 60 days. After that, I have to submit a travel authorization form at least 10 days prior to any trip I want to take. At least I no longer have to call in before/after every time I leave my house!!

I have to check-in once a month through a computer site. There's a report I will need to fill out each time. No matter what your crime was, the reporting is the same for everyone. The only other times I have to check in are when I'm needing to travel, I've had any police interaction, I'm called and told to come in, or my PO randomly stops by my home or work.

My PO is in support of my trying to get back in school. He knows that a job awaits me when I'm readmitted. So, for the next several weeks, my energy should go to that, and not finding an outside job. If I learn that I will not be back in school this August, I need to find a job and let the job on campus go. He gave me a bunch of job search forms to use as I apply for anything.

I have a form that needs to be signed at each GA meeting I attend. He needs proof that I'm as involved in GA as I claim. No problem. I told him about how Sporty and I started a new meeting for Friday nights. He said he may have some people to send to it (so much for not being around other felons -ha). As for that rule, I immediately got permission for Survivor and Hansome to be allowed contact with me, even though they have past felonies. When I explained how involved with GA these two are, he said he'd rather see me hanging with them, than people doing drugs who aren't felons. I hadn't realized that was the either/or scenario I must choose between.

My judge is also REQUIRING me to be in mental health treatment. My PO doesn't know why that is part of the judgment. So, he's sending me for an assessment at a catholic charities mental health center. I inquired on if it's a religious type of counseling, since I'm Jewish. He said that it's not religious, they are just the charity running it. I have to call for my intake within one week.

So, other general conditions of supervision include that I cannot commit another offense, I must allow them to collect my DNA anytime, I must support my dependents and meet family responsibilities, I must maintain a job unless given permission for school or other reasons, I have to give two weeks notice before moving or changing employment, no alcohol (it actually says no excessive use, but my PO wants me to refrain... fine with me!), I cannot be anywhere illegal activity is going on, I cannot be a special informant, and I must inform my employer about relevant information surrounding my felony (since I have a money crime, if I want to work at a bank, they must be notified... if I want to work at a bakery as a baker, they don't because it doesn't connect to the job duties...).

My judge added nine special conditions to my supervision, which my PO said is quite a lot and we agreed that she must've really disliked me. My PO will have access to all my bank accounts, tax records, and anything else financially-related I have. I cannot purchase or sell any assets without permission. I informed my PO about Hope and the fact that I may need to purchase a replacement scooter- he was okay with that. While it says that I cannot use any credit, get new credit, or loans, my PO thought it okay to reasonably use my existing credit and he'd okay necessary student loans. I am not allowed to gamble, nor frequent any place where gambling is occurring. I'm required to participate in a credit counseling program - although, my gambling debts are no more and within GA we believe in paying off our debts - not doing bankruptcy or working with a scamming debt consolidator. My PO agreed that the condition is a little out there and is checking with his supervisor on what we should do. So far, I like the reasonableness of my PO!

The big condition, of course, is my restitution. He started the conversation by saying he's seen people's restitution much, much higher than mine. Me, too - I know people who have millions due. While mine is not nearly like those, it's still a lot to come up with. The judge set my amount due at 10% or more of my income - no matter what my income is. So, if with my grad assistantship I am receiving $1200/mth - I would have to pay $120/mth. With a low income, 10% is a lot! Now, when I'm earning $3,000/mth in the future, and I owe $300/mth, at least I can live on $2700 minus taxes. My hope is to pay off my restitution faster than the 10% per month as I am able, so I can rid myself of the monthly payments.

So, that's what happened yesterday. Other than a contraband cell phone, urine dripped on the floor, setting off a metal detector, and a very expensive parking garage space, my 2 1/2 hours went pretty well. I hope my PO is able to see my seriousness in taking on these responsibilities, my acceptance of the situation, and my growth that helps me ensure that I am always trying to do the next right thing. I have no idea if my first PO meeting was typical, but it was okay. Okay, these days, is good!

The federal building was just as quiet as I made myself downstairs and back outside. Is it really possible that I was the only client visiting the entire building of offices yesterday afternoon? With budget shortfalls, maybe they are all on furlough... 

Last Day of Home Confinement

Of all my time in custody of the BOP, this last month went the fastest. I am suddenly on the cusp of my out date and the almost freedom that provides. I am so grateful that I've been allowed to spend this past month at home, surrounded by my loved ones. Even though my movements were limited, it was really a great month!

I was told yesterday that there is very little anyone can do for Hope. They no longer make the scooters, so parts are scarce. State Farm told me that they may need to "total" her. I guess I may be starting my almost freedom by purchasing a replacement scooter. I guess it's a time of new beginnings.

I also start work, well volunteering at my old job, this week on Thursday. I will be working about 20 hours per week doing both my old job and helping cover the work of a long term employee who recently had a stroke. They need me right now and I'm so happy to be able to be there, helping high school youth find their way to college. The youth specifically asked for me to do some diversity and acceptance exercises with them when they spend a week staying on campus. I did some of the exercises last year and they asked for me again. I have purpose!! When I used to run the summer camp I helped found, I did many of the same exercises with the teenage youth, and they always asked for it again the next year. I discovered that youth want a safe space to explore issues in an interactive, experiential way.

This leads me to where I am presently on my journey back into school. I have no definite inroad yet.  Today, I have a rescheduled meeting with a professor of a non-education based program. I'm always a little anxious telling my whole story, but I still tell all, as at this time I have to. I'm going to just spend some time with the serenity prayer before walking into the building.

While I haven't been as productive as I could have been these past several weeks, I feel as if I'm starting my almost freedom with some good possibilities in life. I also know that I need to keep my mind open to all possibilities that may be sent my way. There is good ahead for me, I just need to allow the journey to unfold.

I'm doing nothing particularly special to mark my last day of home confinement, but I am going out for a good dinner tomorrow night to celebrate my first day of almost freedom. That dinner will follow a 3-hour morning drive to go to/from my not a real HWH/RRC to pick up my end of custody paperwork (they couldn't give me it yesterday when I was there, only tomorrow), and my afternoon meeting with my probation officer (PO for now on). I've spoken to him once, but will meet him for the first time tomorrow. So my first day of almost freedom, won't feel so free at all. 

I'll think through some home confinement tips to share with you all and post them soon. I sincerely believe that we should be leaning on home confinement for non-violent offenders as a real answer to the prison overcrowdedness issue. Even if I had to wear a monitor, which I didn't, it would have been a much better option.

So, my last day of BOP custody. It had better be my last day EVER!! I know a lot of people violate probation/supervision, but I will walk a safe and narrow path. I have but one goal, full (not almost) freedom for the rest of my life.

First Conversation with my P.O.

I am not yet under the supervision of my probation officer, since the RRC is in charge of my supervision. I've never met him either, since I had no supervision prior to my self-surrender, so I decided to give him a call yesterday. I'm curious about what supervision will be like and how much freedom I'll actually have. Obviously, not freedom to do anything bad, but will I still have a curfew? Can I plan to do a special weekend away with my close friends? Etc.

My P.O. seemed like a nice guy when I talked to him on the phone. He knew exactly who I was with just my name - he's talked with Sporty a couple times since I'm living with her. He didn't want to answer any questions until my official out date - July 2nd. He was like, "wow, that's right around the corner, isn't it?" So, we made a time for me to meet him at his office that afternoon and he said he will give me all the details then. It's crazy that people only tell you what to expect when the day arrives... No ability to prepare oneself. Just another unknown in the future.

I tried to see if my 2x weekly check in could get transferred to him for the remaining time of my home confinement... His office is 15 minutes away, the RRC is 1 1/2 hours away. It isn't possible. So, after this morning, I have 3 more times of that ridiculous drive.

I did get him to answer one question in the positive, though. He says I'll be limited to the western side of my state for the first 60 days or so of my supervision, which will allow me to do my special annual weekend retreat with my close GA friends. Eleven of us will be doing the retreat this year and since I had to miss last year's, I'm super pumped for it. I started this retreat, but it has really become part of all of our lives. I do a lot of the organizing, still, and I've already planned some weekend activities! I can't wait to sit around a campfire and eat s'mores!!

Also, even though I'm restricted to the western side of my state, my P.O. gave me permission to attend a Queen (with Adam Lambert) concert next month on the eastern side of the state. I've been a Queen and Adam Lambert fan... the two together just sounds like an amazing concert! Glad my P.O. said yes. He sounds like a pretty reasonable guy!

I don't know what my life will be like once supervision starts (being on paper, as we call it in prison), but I know it should be more relaxed than my home confinement. It's just one more step closer to real freedom. I think it really depends on who your P.O. happens to be. As long as mine has a sense of humor, I think it'll be all right.