Food

I'm still waking on Carswell time. I asked the woman in the bubble if I could sit somewhere and write at 5am, not allowed, so I wrote in my not so comfy bed using my book light. I spend about half my day in this bed.

At 6am, I was allowed out of my room, so I drank an OJ (out of vending machine) and walked the halls for 30 minutes. I was missing Freckles - we walked together most mornings.

Breakfast was at 8:15am, but by then, my stomach was feeling pretty funky. By lunchtime - very funky. It must be the OJ - I hadn't had real OJ in nearly a year. It's like introducing things into one's diet during an elimination diet. I hear many foods may cause me a reaction. Unfortunately, there was no way for me to get any Pepsid, Imodium, or the like, so I have had to just face bouts of "ugh" through the day. So be it.

There's no programming here on Sundays. Some residents get furloughs with their families, many go to AA/NA meetings, others work - some of us continue to be locked in this building with nowhere to go. The one other non-smoker and I bonded over no fresh air.

So, we watched a movie with Kevin Costner called "Dragonfly" and I thought, "how aperpo." It was alright. Now, they are watching Step Up 2. A room filled with young women, slightly older than T.S. I would be watching something different, perhaps one of the movies they have that are considered structured time - "Walk the Line" or "Silver Lining..." about characters dealing with addiction...

9:15pm We are watching "The Hunger Games." We have 1 & 2, but due to smoke breaks, dinner saves, pill line, etc we will only get through #1 tonight. I'll watch #2 at home. I am still in hope of going home tomorrow. I am thinking it must be true, because I am on the last page of this journal - a journal Freckles got me during the merry-go-round. So, I guess I need to go home to get a new notebook :-)

Since I get a night time medication, I automatically get a snack - bologna sandwich with mustard and a small cranberry juice every night. I give away the sandwich and drink the juice.

I love the line just spoken in Hunger Games, "Hope is the only thing stronger than fear..."

Riding Around on Hope

I've mentioned before that I named my motor scooter "Hope." Hope is a word I hold onto a lot. My car I named "Zaziwae," the word 'Hope' in Nelson Mandela's native tongue. On days where it appears it will not rain, I choose to ride Hope the 6 or so mile to/from my campus each day and it is my favorite part of the day. The fresh air. The breeze. Yes, I always have my helmet on (note earlier post about the day of my passing out, no helmet would have meant head injury- thank god for helmets!). The feeling of going fast even though my 50cc bike only really goes 35 mph on a good day. Nature. Sunshine. Time to myself.

I didn't always have Hope - not just literally, but figuratively. Perhaps in the casinos I did. Hope for the next win. But not Hope for myself, Hope for my journey, Hope for others. I'm not sure I even really understood the word. Now I see myself on a journey of Hope. Not that it means I get all my Hopes and dreams, that is not at all what this means, it is about not giving up. Keeping the journey alive. A roadblock just means I need to find another way. There are many bumps in the road (a ride on my scooter Hope feels all of them) but in time, with persistence, strategy, and the ability to seek out resources and ask for help when necessary, we can get past them. To me, that is Hope. 

I talk in this blog about where I will be in one year - back at school, back at my graduate assistantship, back in this life I love. That is Hope. Truth is, we do not know our future. All we know is today. All we can do is challenge ourselves, get past the roadblocks and over the bumps each day and see what actually occurs. While Hope may not be the word you choose to hold onto, find a word, something positive that you can close your eyes and think about when times may be dark. Perhaps your thoughts will get just a little lighter.