A January Letter Tells All to Survivor

As done earlier in this blog - I am posting a letters that was written during my time of incarceration. The following is the explanation posted on 9/13/13 in the first letter posting:

"In a later post - after I am home - I state that I will post some of my letters home on the date that they were written. I post everything from the letter except for things that are personal about the person I am writing that is not relevant to the experience of myself or prison. In the letters I may not have used their pseudonyms - however that is changed for the purpose to keep this blog consistent and to keep everyone anonymous as always. Other than those few changes for the purposes of consistency and anonymity, everything listed here is exactly as it it written in the letter - including how I used shorthand or symbols. Some things may be similar to what I write in prior/later blogs. Other things I may not have written at the time on the blog because I knew it was being monitored. I take photos of any images and include that as well."

1/27/14

Survivor -

I haven't been writing letters much. It's a failure of my emotions and my hand. It hurts when I write a lot. Also, I always write less when I most need to write - when my emotions are in overdrive. It's so much easier to write when I'm fine and I can just observe everything around me. It's much more difficult when my thoughts are lost in my head, my senses on overdrive, and I can't exactly put words to what I'm feeling. That has been the case for sometime now.

I am honestly okay. I will survive this and I will be stronger for it. In fact, this place helped me find my creative side again and I hope it lasts - not just crafts or writing Hazel - but I wrote a play in my head a couple days ago - that hasn't happened since I was a teen. In many ways I am inspired in new ways, although I am not giving up on my old goals.

I am going to fight my way back into [my University]. I know it's not the end of the world if I don't receive my PhD, but I've worked too hard and am too determined not to keep moving forward. If I give up now, I'm a victim, but if I hold my head up high and reach my goal, I can be living proof of moving forward, succeeding when others want you to fail, and following healthy ways of living.

We can either wear our addictions, recovery, and convictions as chains or they can be scars - always there, but forever healing and fading. My life just got a little more interesting, that's all.

My visit with my folks was alright. it's the first time someone left and I cried. I want to be able to be there for my folks, my grandparents. The stress on my mom is highly noticeable. The reality of visiting me here showed on their faces. [My step dad] was brought to silence, my mom to shock.

I am currently in the "lab." I was on a call-out to have blood pulled today. I'm supposed to be tested every 1-2 months, but this is the first time since early October. I'm very curious what the results will show. I had to send cop-outs (requests) to get them to order the labs, saying, "please look at my paperwork and order appropriate labs..." But what I think officially got me in was my trip to the rheumatologist last week. She immediately asked why my labs are so old, I just looked at the C.O. with me. "I'm in prison", is my thought. So she ordered Carswell to do my labs. I pray everything looks good enough, so I can get medically cleared. Otherwise, I may be here until my out date in July :-(

I'm not upset to be missing work today. There are a lot of mean people there who decide to gang up against me and try to get me fired. It has nothing really to do with me, but I just take it all as it comes. I'll be out of here long before them.

I'm becoming quite the crafter. I can't sit and do nothing, so I always have a project going. My crochet is getting much better. My plastic canvas designs are a hit. Unfortunately, it's hurting my hand a lot. The way the rheumatologist talked about my condition is form of spondyloarthropathy that is mimicking rheumatoid arthritis, lupus, and fibromyalgia. Why can't anything with me be simple? My fatigue is super bad right now and I've had a cough for several weeks. I'm going to sick call this week.

Being at Carswell is truly a one of a kind experience. Throw away all the "how to survive prison" handbooks. They simply do not apply here. Also, it's b.s. that you walk out with no friends - all us white collar folks tend to find one another. It'd like people in G.A., people you never thought you'd make friends with, but in the end, we support one another through this. It's not like my relationship with you, or people on the outside, but it is real. [The officer we met the day before I surrendered] made many statements that day before my self-surrender, that are just not true. Even the people I room with show kindness and goodness at times.

I think Sporty is coming in for another weekend in March. She's been so good to me. She sent me pics of my new room and it looks very warm, cozy, and comforting. I can't wait to sleep in a real bed again - with enough blankets, a comfy pillow, and no alarm, count, or people yelling out, "dryer three." (that's the call to tell the person in Dryer 3 that their clothes will be removed from the dryer unless they immediately com e and remove them as it is time for the next person's clothes). I wash on Sunday's & Wednesdays. The laundry wars are fierce - how do 260+ women wash their clothes 2x each week in 45 min wash/dry cycles? Fights, yelling, stolen items, etc are all part of the daily routing in the laundry wars. I think A & E should pick it up as a new show.

I've not yet given up on going to the camp across the street. My doc just needs to sign off on it, but I've never seen my doc. I'm thinking I should have an appt within 2 weeks. Perhaps God wants me here to see South off. She leaves 2/10. I can't wait to introduce you two some day. You will love her!! We'll have to take a road trip some time to see her.

Well, move is about to open. Back to work for the rest of the morning.

Miss you tons - Love you more!

Dragonfly

From Dragonfly: Sexuality and Gender

I wrote something about sexuality and gender early in my stay here and sent it to Cache. Maybe, if she has time, she will share it with everyone. However, I just want to write about a conversation in my room yesterday. It started with a young, very masculine, boi coming to our room to talk with one of my roommates. I asked my roommate if this young woman is actually transgender in the outside world. I worry about how these F-to-M trans people have to claim to be female in prison in order to have the safety of being at a women's prison. There seem to be a lot of them. Based on my knowledge of the LGBT community and work specifically with trans individuals, I worry about how their identity may be conflicted while incarcerated. Anyway, Army said, "yes, I think they do identify as male in the outside world." That made sense to me.

Anyway, then Bandanna, my roommate who identifies as lesbian and has been locked up for 12 years since she was 19 years old, starts going through a trans-phobic dialogue. She also indicates that any woman who has ever been with a guy can't be lesbian. Braids, my other roommate, then pipes in about how if someone is male identified, they are still a woman if they have female body parts. Isn't this the same kinds of arguments we all hear on the outside?

I try to explain that there is a difference between gender and sexuality. There is also a difference between identity and behavior. Okay, other than to Army, I'm talking to two walls. Bandanna and Braids are certainly NOT open to anything I am saying. Well, I guess most people in this world wouldn't understand this either. I speak from an academic and personal experience point of view, they speak from emotions. No one can ever agree when you come at things from different perspectives. I finally just said, "yeah, okay," and left it at that. I have to remember that I am surrounded by people who lived in very different environments than I have. Not that my environments were any better than theirs, but we have different life experiences to base our understanding of things on. I just wish I could have some way to help against the homophobia and transphobia that exists behind these walls.

It may sound funny that I talk of homophobia, when nearly 90% of the women I meet are having relationships with other women. Most see it as a "choice," very different from identity and very different than the reality of LGBT people on the outside. It's like actual attraction/love has so little to do with these relationships. They are distractions from the reality here. They are a way to put our energy on other people and not focus on ourselves and the growth we need. Having been a scholar and advocate of the LGBTQ community for years, I am totally taken aback by the reality of these existences within prison. It is night and day from what we see outside prisons. Once these women leave prison, most are looking forward to being back with their boyfriends, husbands, or finding some new guy. These relationships in here are just a way to pass the time (not all, but it appears that way for the most part).

As for me, I am sticking with what I wrote before I ever came to prison. I am not interested in anything other than friendships. Danbury "informed" me that she believes two different women have crushes on me. I think she's nuts. I don't see it and I also am not interested in anything. I just want to do my time and get home to my friends and family. That is all I want. I appreciate my friendships/acquaintances. I actually hope to keep in touch with a few of them upon my release (when we are allowed). But, my goal is to get through this on my own. I walked in by myself and I will walk out by myself. One of the scariest things I've heard (more than once) is when one woman is near release and her girlfriend asks her to not go - to get in trouble or refuse halfway house in order to stay longer. Nothing could be MORE selfish! No one should WANT to be in prison any longer than they have to. These women should be happy for their girlfriends. If they really loved them, they would want what is best for them. Being in prison, is not what is best! If for some reason it is meant to be that they are to be together, it will happen, one day, when they are both free.

Okay, off my soap box and back to reality...

Letter Mailed Home to Survivor

In a later post - after I am home - I state that I will post some of my letters home on the date that they were written. I post everything from the letter except for things that are personal about the person I am writing that is not relevant to the experience of myself or prison. In the letters I may not have used their pseudonyms - however that is changed for the purpose to keep this blog consistent and to keep everyone anonymous as always. Other than those few changes for the purposes of consistency and anonymity, everything listed here is exactly as it it written in the letter - including how I used shorthand or symbols. Some things may be similar to what I write in prior/later blogs. Other things I may not have written at the time on the blog because I knew it was being monitored. I take photos of any images and include that as well.

9/13/13

Hi Survivor,
I've thought a lot about you today. I wonder if something is happening to you or your family that is putting you at the forefront of my brain - or maybe it is just that I miss you!

I have a new room! The whole room is 10' long and 7 1/2 ' wide. About 2' separate the 2 bunk beds - four people in 75 square ft. Here's a diagram: Room 140 in Unit 1 South (first floor)

They moved 4 of us out of the bus stop to make room for the people who are not paying their frp (restitution payments) due to lack of finds or being an frp rejector.

Unfortunately South is still stuck in the bus stop and she is not happy about it, but she does not complain. It's going to be hard not having her nearby - as we have really supported one another a lot. Since I'm housed on the first floor, I can't go on the second floor so there's few ways for her and I to communicate. My new roommates I don't know, but they are named ***, ****, and *****. Not good that my name rhymes with 2 of my roommates.

I do not have a great window view. I see the indoor center and a lot of perimeter fencing (a constant reminder that I am locked in). My window faces east. The bars on it are thick and grey - yep, I'm behind bars... But, a new adventure starts with this move. There's no guarantee that I'll be in this room permanently - nor my roommates, so it's all a day at a time.

I'm having a blanket crocheted for me. It's going to be brown, ayran, and possibly burgundy. I figured I can take it home with me and it will go will with my room or the living room. 

In 10 minutes, 8:45 pm, I have to check-in for "extra duty" - meaning I have to clean the unit from 8:45- 11pm, except for standing count (which I do not have to stand outside my room for anymore, just inside). I was talking with Chi in the hall & didn't realize it was 4pm - which means we both have extra duty tonight. People with extra duty have to wash walls, floors, etc. I let the C.O. know that I can't stand the full 2 hrs & need a job that accommodates that. We will see. I keep getting in trouble for not knowing rules... Must go.

Love,

Dragonfly

Sex, Affection, and Relationships in Prison

So, I'm running low on days to write this blog post before my self surrender, so I suppose now is the right time. If anyone reading this blog has watched "Orange is the New Black," they have seen a lot of prison sex. Well, while the free reign of locations and time do not really exist in women's prisons, sex does happen. To my utter amazement, one academic study noted that 75-80% of women in prison engage in some sort of same-sex "coupling or relationships" that include some sort of sexual favor. I thought perhaps I would write a bit about what I've read.

First, it seems to make little difference as to the sexual orientation of the woman in prison. Some call it, "gay for the stay." Others just refer to it as the necessary need to have intimacy and affection. Sexual favors do not always include something which leads to orgasm. In many prisons, women who are identified as lesbians or who are not very feminine are considered "studs." The other women are considered femmes. In many prisons it is the femmes that let the studs know they are interested, but if caught, it is often the stud that is penalized. COs often keep a close eye on anyone known to be a lesbian (homophobia alive and well in the prison system even though there are some really amazing policies and anti-discrimination training against doing so). 

Second, families of sorts form in prison. These may or may not include some form of sexual play. These "families" are often made up of a stud and femme who have a strong bond and close relationship along with a couple young, maybe 20-something, inmates who are like their children. They will act as mentors for these younger offenders and protect them from the dangers of prison. There will be no sexual relationship with these younger offenders, but as a "family," all will be expected to have each other's backs and to do favors for each other and help one another out. With the younger offenders that are more masculine in the "family," they may be called "boy" and a more feminine one "girl," this is part of the role playing. So hearing inmates refer to others as, "mom, dad, sister, brother, boy, girl, etc." don't do a funny face or assume mom or sister means blood. It may mean within the confines of the prison walls. A family of protection, affection, intimacy, survival, and friendship.

Third, even if all this scares the heck out of you, don't be afraid of a little affection. Just because a woman hugs you, holds your hand, or offers you some comfort, does not mean she wants to have sex with you or to make you her "prison wife." You will still need friendships and affection when you are in prison. And more often than not, these are women just like you, scared, loved ones at home, and just lonely.

Know whatever your boundaries are and don't cross those boundaries. "No," still means, "no." Whatever you decide to do, know that it is against the prison rules to engage in any sexual activity in prison (although as mentioned above, it occurs), so if your goal is to do your time and get out, following the rules and keeping a low profile will help. At the same time, do not be a snitch on others if you don't want to be on the wrong side of a fight or thrown in the SHU for your own protection.

As for me, I am currently in a place in my life where sex couldn't be further from my list of priorities. I do enjoy some affection and imagining choosing to go nearly a year without allowing anyone to ever even give me a friendship hug is a bit insane. I will not put boundaries on affection that is allowed in prison, but I choose to only engage in such behavior that will not risk my good time off. I have too much to come home to and too many people I can't wait to hug back home!!