December Supervision Update and More

A couple months ago I posted that my P.O. had stated that I should be off supervision by the holidays (remember?). Later, Freckles posted that her P.O. stated that she was told that nearly no one gets off supervision. Well, it is the holidays... what's my status?

I have been on supervision a total of 17 months of my 3 year sentence. Word was that most people have to do at least 18 months, so there's that. What about the "before the holidays," stuff though? I had to go see my P.O. and I have been pushing him in a cordial kind of way... "any movement?" "anything I can do?"

One thing I did was bring in my Carswell certificate that showed I took a class in financial budgeting. It was a requirement of my supervision that I have a financial course and encouraged that I do it while still incarcerated. I didn't mind doing so. It was informative and Glitter taught it. I went for six weeks and we watched videos, filled out paperwork, took a pre and post test. It was legit. I received a certificate and points on my official paperwork for completing it. It was one of the few educational activities where I was a participant and not the educator. My P.O. made a copy of the certificate last time I was there and we crossed that requirement off my paperwork, or so I thought.

Last week, I talked to my P.O. again due to my needing permission to travel for Thanksgiving, and he informed me that he still wanted me to get in another financial seminar ("I don't care how short or long it is"). I guess pushing these programs while still incarcerated don't count once we are out. Luckily, I had several workshops I'd been to that we could choose from. We selected a workshop I recently attended with the youth I work with where I actually took a selfie with Rev. Jessee Jackson Sr. Telling my P.O. that I had a selfie with Rev. Jackson resulted in his wanting me to text him a copy of the photo. While not nearly as informative as the seminar I attended at Carswell, the one day workshop with Jessee Jackson crossed that "t" and dotted that "i," and there was nothing remaining on my requirements from court for concern. No matter what anything may think of Rev. Jessee Jackson, the workshop was really good and he was inspirational to the youth - also, he was impressive to my P.O. which is all that really matter!!!

So, was that enough? Well, no.

Being qualified to be recommended for early release from supervision and having your P.O. actually seek it are two entirely different things! I had done everything expected of me for the last 17 months - monthly reports, paying more than expected in restitution, maintaining my employment, school, solid family life, no negative police interactions, clean from gambling, active in recovery, etc., but there are several people that must make the decision to ACT before anything can happen and the first level had initially decided to NOT act.

My P.O. informed me that the office was so overwhelmed with "bad" drug dealers that they did not have time to go to court to request my early release. Early release is the lowest priority in such a busy office. With the number of people recently being released from prisons, they are just too burdened to take on the work of early release. He admitted he was going to try to get me released before, but too much work has now piled upon him. I think he could see my disappointment as I just stared at him knowing that he had all the power in that room.

I did not let it entirely go, though. I brought up the fact that travel is a real part of my life - as all our family members live out of state and I am constantly burdening him with travel requests.

Next thing that happened is that my P.O. decided that he would call the prosecutor from my case and see if there would be an opposition to early release. If not, it will be much simpler to go forward. That phone call should have occurred this past week. I am supposed to hear back from my P.O. tomorrow.

My P.O. asked me if the prosecutor was being really tough on me. I said that, honestly, he was tough in the fact that he asked for prison and a year and a day, but that he could have gone with the statutory minimums of 3-5 years. My P.O. laughed and said, "he went for a year and a day?"

I said, "I know, he wanted me to be able to get time off..."
My P.O. said, "exactly." One year and I'd have served exactly 365 days in prison and instead I was able to served about 10 months!

I also said that the prosecutor allowed me to hold on to my passport and go to South Africa between arraignment and sentencing. This fascinated my P.O. "You went to South Africa??"

"Yeah, they said I was a good bet." Meaning I wouldn't run. "I told them that they should use a different choice of words on me."

My P.O. is the one person in the legal system who understands my sense of humor around my gambling addiction. I reminded my P.O. that I am 7 1/2 years clean from gambling. I am also 7 1/2 years since any wrong doing.

I do not know what could happen. Will I be released from supervision before my three years are finished or will I have the opportunity to have a judge consider me for early release? These are outside my control.  I will just keep doing the right thing whether on or off supervision and hope that I continue to maintain a decent relationship with my P.O.

Honesty, Open-Mindedness, and Willingness are three words we learn in recovery --- I think they are applicable in our relationships with our P.O.'s as well!

Two Years

Two years ago today I self-surrendered to FMC Carswell. It feels like a lifetime ago and it still feels like yesterday. I have the two boxes I shipped home from Carswell still with me. The blanket I promised to finish had not had a single stitch added. The books that I had to bring home with me have not been touched. I shared photos with some people and I actually carry most of them around in my school backpack. I pull one out from time to time. I look at Lola, South, Freckles, Appeal, Mama, others... Some are out, some still in, some I don't know about. But it makes me think of them. They are all in my heart. I want to think of them, pray for them. They were/are still important to me even if I am unable to keep in touch.

I recently took the most amazing road trip with Sporty, TS, TS' little sister, and TS' girlfriend. It started with visiting my father who is on hospice. It's just a matter of time, but he certainly has help on a long time. The cancer is now everywhere. I was glad to spend the time with him.

The road trip took me through 12 states. I spent two nights in the state where I had lived and worked for 10 years and where my addiction had reached its peak. It is where my crime occurred and where my sentencing was given. My last three times there were always emotional and I left in tears. This time, surrounded by family, it was a real vacation. I was able to show the highlights of the state and city I called home. I visited with some of the people I still call friends and who stood by me all these years (even in the courtroom when our other friends sat on the other side) and my tears were of happiness.

I also learned something - some people who sat on the other side of the courtroom (not all, but some) have started to understand that I do have an addiction and that my behavior was not to harm them or the community. Learning this was huge to me as while I know that other people's opinions don't matter, I never had intentions to hurt others or especially my community or the organizations that I was working with!! I was sooo irrational and lost in my addiction at the time. I thank god every day that I have not placed a bet since May 5, 2008. I hope to make a difference for others to help them stop earlier than I did so they do not go down the kind of path I did!!!

I also received a message recently from someone associated slightly with my old school program. They apologized for a message they sent me prior to prison saying that they never wanted to interact with me again. They had heard the gossip and at the time made a judgement based on it. They asked me for forgiveness. I did not hesitate. I hope you will do the same if people who may not have understood your actions and may have hurt you ask for forgiveness. Remember, we hurt people and we want to be forgiven, we need to do the same back. Also, no one knows anyone's full truth. No one knows yours and you don't know theirs. Peace comes when you allow forgiveness in your heart!!!!

Two years and I’m still in school, but still have three or more years to go, a lot more calm, and close to being off supervision I hope. I still believe in paying it forward. I have not been able to hold up to everything I wanted - like keeping in touch with folks - but since I'm studying criminal justice, I know I'm going to help make a difference! 

I'll never forget that day. Survivor dropping me off. The hugs. Releasing everything to her. Knowing she would sit in that parking lot. Trying not to cry. The drive to the prison in the van. Going through processing. Meeting South. My first meal. Fear. Unmatched shoes. A bra too big. Tight undies. A view of the whole housing unit from my bed. Standing count. Sleeping "on" my made bed instead of in it. Fights. Noise. Light. Stairs. Appointments. Boredom. Confusion. No pillow. No change of clothing. And that was just the first day...

The Monthly Report

Like clockwork as it is set to do, I hear the ring - beep, beep, beep... I look to my phone. It is my monthly reminder that my supervision report is due. I also have to pay my 10% restitution based on my gross income for last month. Snoozing the alarm is not an option. There is a deadline and I do not intend to miss it.

The first thing I do once I make sure I am on my computer and ready, is bring up the document I have that gives me all my logins and passwords. Everything is on government websites and none of the logins are easy to remember or changeable. I put everything in a safe and secure place that I know to look to when it's time to do my report and payment.

I usually do my payment first, because I will need to provide the amount in the report, although as long as I know the amount, the order does not matter. Some jurisdictions allow for online payments and others require mailed in payments or allow for phone in payments. Your PO may not actually know. Usually the website for the clerk of the court you were sentenced in has the answer or you can call and ask. My PO lets me pay after the month is complete, that's a conversation to have with your PO about when they expect payments to be paid.

Once I know I've made my payment, I log onto the website for monthly reports. Every federal person on supervision is using the same website so make sure you have a decent internet connection. It is not the most advanced technology.

The questions are pretty basic and most answers are kept from month to month, so I only have to edit changes - even my financials stay in there. I always have to edit the end balances of my bank accounts. I suppose that's a way to ensure we are paying attention. I mean most people wouldn't have the exact same balance in their checking month after month. I had to put in that I had to pay a parking ticket that T.S. got when she parked my car one day. I entered the amount I paid in my restitution. Most months that is the same - 10% of my graduate assistant stipend.

I always review the full report before hitting submit, nervous that I missed something or wrote something incorrectly. I just don't want to do anything that could misrepresent the truth. I haven't had any trouble with my reports so far, but like so many other rituals within the DOJ, I have no idea if and how they are used.

In a month I will likely be packing up my house, just days away from moving to our new digs when I will hear those beeps reminding me that it is once again time to do my report. I will sit down next to my computer, pay my 10% and fill out my report. This time I will need to ensure my PO knows that my address is about to change. Other than that, most answers will continue to be the same. Most likely, of course. The monthly report. The reminder that I am still not free.

Federal Supervision Overload

I've been in contact with my parole officer a lot lately... too much for comfort if I do say so myself. When I received permission to go to the GA conference in Lexington, part of that permission required me to leave messages with my PO every step of the way. Each trip I make has its own set of rules. For this trip, I called him when we set off on the road, when we arrived in Lexington, and when we finished the conference and started heading back. Each time resulted in a short message on his voicemail with an update of my trip.

Just prior to going, I had to call him and tell him that I'd been stopped by a police officer for speeding on campus. My honesty got me out of a ticket that time. The fact that the officer immediately knew that I was on federal supervision was a little unnerving but comes with the territory, I suppose.

Then, as I was filling out my monthly online report early this week, I realized that I'd talked with someone at the conference that had been incarcerated before - I mentioned her here on the blog as the person who had spent time at Lexington. Well, out of the requirements of supervision, in one of my messages to my PO over the weekend, I'd mentioned it to him as well. What that meant, is that I had to answer that question in the positive on my monthly report, which was the first time I'd done so. I wanted to talk to my PO and make sure that was the case. I don't even remember the woman's name and know nothing of the details of her crime. This time, my PO called me back and Yes, I do have to report it. So, in filling out my monthly report, I put the small amount of details of having an interaction with another felon. My PO told me that it will not adversely affect me in any way, it is just protocol to report it. It was interesting in answering the questions, as I hadn't realized that many people probably have to say, "yes," all the time due to family members and other close relations having past felonies.

Then, my PO calls me and tells me that I have an 80 question survey that I need to fill out. Since I am just past 6 months, it's my guess that I need to fill this out every 6 months, because it is the same survey I filled out right at the beginning. I had to make my way over to my PO's office and it took me about 7 minutes to complete. It's one of those surveys that wants to make sure we are really sorry for our criminal acts to ensure we do not still have criminal thoughts, that we are not blaming the world for our punishments, that we are thinking clearly, etc. Every so often, there is a question thrown in that you should answer in the opposite of all the other questions, just to be sure you ARE paying attention to the actual questions on the survey. I write surveys, I know what to do on this. I answered honestly, nonetheless! Truth be told, without recovery, I would not have the clear mind to really understand things the way I understand them today. I always blamed myself, of course, but I thought of myself as broken, instead of really understanding underlying addiction and irrational thinking and actions. In recovery, I have the ability to have rational thoughts and choices over my actions, in addiction, I honestly could not be trusted to make any rational decisions or choices.

Given all the above, I don't want to have to make the call I need to make later today... every interaction - big or small - with police must be reported. T.S. parked my car this morning and it received a parking ticket. Sounds too small to report, right? But even an infraction with my car shows up in his office. So, once again, I have to contact my PO. Here I am wanting favors and to get off supervision, and in a short period of time I get stopped for speeding (it was 37 in a 25) and now a parking ticket. They are small infractions, but I for one want none. When on supervision the idea is to keep ourselves out of trouble. I got a little frustrated this morning - not so much with T.S., but with my inability to "control" - which is far outside of working my GA recovery program. I just need to go with the flow, I guess. What will happen, will happen.

I guess I better stop writing and give my PO a call... good thing it'll probably be his voicemail...

Never Get Too Comfortable

I've mentioned before that I've been concerned about the fact that I have not heard back from my PO lately and I need to be making my restitution payments and have some questions. My messages went unanswered, and he doesn't like repeat calls or emails, so it's a sit and wait game. However, I didn't want to violate my supervision either. I knew that this month I must make a payment, but since my case was transferred from one state to this state, I wasn't sure the protocol on where to make payments and last I talked to my PO, neither did he. What a lot of people don't realize, is that restitution is paid to the court clerk where you are sentenced, usually, not to the victims or some other entity. Additionally, all the restitution payments I made while incarcerated are still not showing up on my paperwork as being applied to my overall restitution debt.

This morning, I decided to head over to my PO's office. I guess I can just go there any week day, although I never have been there since my first day of official supervision. I went to drop off two forms. One form was a listing of all the gambler's anonymous meetings I've been to since July 2nd. It actually wasn't all of them, but most of them. It's a technicality that I have to have the form filled out and I attend at least a meeting every week. They have to have proof that I'm serious about my recovery. I am. Included was the G.A. conference I attended a couple weeks ago. He was pleased I went to it. He really doesn't understand how serious about recovery I am.

The second form was my first ever "travel authorization" form. It was for permission to travel to where my family and friends are for the Yom Kippur holiday weekend. It usually takes two weeks to receive approval, but luckily my PO was in, took me into his office for about 45 minutes, and approved me for my first trip out of state on the spot. In October, I will officially be able to take a road trip for a weekend. I'm truly looking forward to it! The fact that I need to go through that process, though, is that reminder - I am still in supervision - possibly for another 2 3/4 years - and my life is not mine to live freely. I have restrictions.

Interestingly, my PO asked me if I've had any "police interaction" recently and I honestly answered, "no." However, Sporty was driving my car last night and was pulled over. She was driving in a turn only lane and went forward, the cop just gave her a warning - this was just last night. Turns out that since it was my vehicle, my name popped up at my PO's office this morning. All was fine, but I guess he would have been forced to check in with me anyway today. I didn't realize that even my vehicle without my being in it made me susceptible to PO questions. It's okay, though, cause I really needed to talk to my PO!

Well, it's really good that I went in, because my PO still didn't have the answers about my restitution payments. That's okay, though, I'm just going to start making the payments to the original court - by check. I hate not being able to make the payment electronically. I like a better paper trail! I've also made the decision to make an initial payment out of the school grant I received. It's technically not income, but my PO never got a response from the court and I don't want to make a wrong move. I'll do whatever it takes to be truly free. I'll be paying on my restitution for a long time, but I want to be off supervision. I just don't want to ever get too comfortable with my life and somehow forget that I need to be doing something or that I have rules to follow and must report in and must pay my restitution on time.

It's actually quite easy to get caught up on normality and almost forget that I can't just jump in my car and drive somewhere or that I can never travel to Canada again or that I have no passport or that I can't just take an Amtrak or buy a plane ticket. My life is monitored. And, it appeared, my car is monitored. I'm at home, comfortably sitting on my couch, writing this blog post, but my life is still under surveillance to a point. I suppose in some ways it will always be - at least until I can actually finish supervision and finish paying off my restitution. Somehow, I will find a day when I am totally free again. Perhaps it won't matter one day. I don't know. I just can't forget that right now, I better keep taking the initiative and check in with my PO from time to time.

Weekend Failure

I'm not sure I should call my weekend a failure. I crossed many things off my to-do list. I've been excitedly planning for my weekend away with a group of my close friends next week - fun shopping included. I've made my third, yes third, assignment listing for the semester (I think this one I'm happy with). I wanted a listing that put together all my assignments from all my syllabi into one easy to read location. I utilized a groupon for a consignment store that was about to expire (very important) purchasing everything BUT the pants I need for the now cooler weather. I earned a free student professional license to a great survey software (SogoSurvey) that I had to jump through hoops to earn, but it was worth the time and effort to get the free professional license.

So, it wasn't a wasted weekend... but I did not cross off too many items on that new, updated, pretty assignment listing that I made. I just didn't have it in me to sit and read. It didn't help that Starbucks made a mistake with my chai order yesterday and instead of one Venti Chai Frappachino, I had that AND an Iced Chai Latte... that's a lot of caffeine for someone who doesn't do much caffeine like ever... I think I was a little too jumpy to be good at much of anything after I made the bad choice of drinking it all... I chose taste over health - go figure!

Speaking of health. I've made the choice to try an elimination diet after next weekend's binge fest with my friends. The elimination diet is meant to identify the foods that cause issues like allergies and other problems. People with chronic health issues, such as myself, have been able to find foods that cause increased inflammation, foods that increase their headaches, etc. After a month or so, I'll be able to identify the foods that seem to cause my system the biggest issues and try to develop a way to limit or eliminate those foods from my diet. Sporty and I bought a book (she's doing it too for other health reasons) and we are reading it chapter by chapter for the how to's and what not to do's. It's a big undertaking, but something I've been wanting to do for some time.

When I first got out of prison, I bought an orange juice at my not real halfway house. I almost immediately felt sick to my stomach. That made me wonder if I was having a reaction to the O.J. since I hadn't had it in so long, my body no longer was used to the juice. I haven't had any since. In that last several months, I've noticed that certain meals have had some similar reactions on me, but I don't quite know what foods are the culprits. So, best way to find out is to do this elimination diet. The reports say that after doing the elimination diet, I should feel really good, have better energy, and even lose a little weight (not a bad thing...). I'll keep you all informed about how it goes.

Maybe the elimination diet will also help me with my ADHD issues and I'll be able to concentrate a little more on my studies. While I did accomplish a lot this weekend, I really do want to put my studies first. I'm not worried. I don't have anything that must be done in the next two day or anything, but I also never want to feel as if I am behind either. We do not do homework in grad school --- we study and that is a thing that is done all week long, not just cramming before class. Well, tomorrow is another day and I will study, yes I will. Perhaps, I will lay off the caffeine before I even start the elimination diet too.

The Reality of Time

As I drove home from work today, I thought how much I looked forward to my G.A. meeting this evening and my weekend days ahead. While I'll spend much of the time studying, they will be slower days without feeling as rushed. This sense of "time" is so different than how it felt when I was incarcerated.

Of course there were weekdays and weekends, and there were days, weeks, months, etc. It is just that it all blended in to each other. Living it felt forever and looking back felt like it was no time at all. Now, a day feels like a day, and a week feels like a week. The idea of TGIF works because a weekend truly feels like a weekend.

Last night I had the honor of being able to talk with one of you, a reader of this blog, who is fearing that she may have to face this similar path I've gone down. It's so overwhelming to face it all - all those unknowns - and feel capable of getting through it okay. It comes right back to this issue of time. It's all just one day at a time. If we look at everything that is or may occur, it's a never ending tunnel of time and possibilities and fears. So, keep your focus on today and what you can do just for today. Tomorrow, you will do the same.

It may feel like forever, but for right now, enjoy your Fridays. Enjoy your weekends and your Tuesdays and your September and everything. Don't put yourself into your own prison prior to actually being put in one physically. Whether we have to go to prison or not will be decided at some point down the road, but for now, we have days to live.

Once we are incarcerated, time may have no real meaning. I think that's why we talk things like, "two days and a wake up," or say we are leaving in a month even though 50 days may separate us from when we leave (I.e. It's sept.1 but they leave oct. 24... They would say a month...). Time has no real meaning until you look back.

Here, in the outside world, time has meaning. So make the best of it. Make time for yourself and those you care about. I love that I can sense time in my life once again.

Personal Space

I've recently noticed another change that I don't know to be permanent or not. While I'm still my mostly extroverted self, I actively choose to be more in my own space these days. I like to study alone. I enjoy sitting away from classmates.  I don't even fret about turning my phone off for hours while I'm in school.

Three years ago, when I was started my education program, it took me about two weeks to reach out to five other classmates and start a weekly study group. We would share thoughts on readings, discuss assignments, and support one another through our core courses. 

Now, I find a cubicle on the quiet side of the library, ensuring that no one is right next to me, and quietly I work through my readings and assignments. I have no problem working with groups, yet have no interest in forming any in addition to project groups already set up in classes. I like my independence and enjoy the space it provides me from others.

I can only imagine this must be a direct result of coming out of the overcrowded reality of Carswell. Tonight in class, nearly everyone say on the right side of the classroom. I don't know why. I sat on the left side. I spread my stuff out. I put my bag on the chair next to mine. I didn't use most of it, but I had an entire row to myself. 

I'm not entirely anti-social. A classmate sat in front of me and behind me. We shared comments now and then. I did notice, we all were a bit less distracted by others, though. We also were known by name quicker by our professor. 

I used to want to feel accepted and "part of." Now, I really don't care. There are certainly people I could see being friendly with - which could happen in due time. I don't need it, though. I have amazing people in my life. I'm happy being colleagues with folks. We don't all need to be best friends. 

I am a little surprised though. It is a change of character of sorts. Prison certainly changes us in unexpected ways!

You'd Do That For Me?

I guess prison really did change me. Before I went, I still had fear of authority. Before I went, I would reluctantly walk up to a professor and insecurely tell them my thoughts hoping they'd think them worthy. Before I went, I feared judgement and belonging and looking over my shoulder and complications and enemies and lies and the truth and losing everything and well... I guess I just was full of fear. 

Maybe the biggest change in me is my lack of fear. Today, I do not fear authority. I walked right up to the director of my academic program, talked access to research with him, and he said, "I'm going to look into that for you." I said, "you'd do that for me?" (All that time in prison, I forgot that people in authority roles really do go out of their ways to help others), and I think I made a good collegial relationship with a very important colleague.

Then, I went directly to a female faculty's office that I want to be on my thesis committee, introduced myself, and we are having coffee together next week. I suppose that's how it's all supposed to happen. I feel as if I'm exuding a confidence I never had in the past - even though I know less about the exact subject matter than in the past, I know how to be a researcher and an academic.

I know where I belong. I am excited to know that the research I may be doing could potentially help many women involved in the federal justice system. Wouldn't it be something if all this experience turned out to help me change the lives of accused and/or convicted female offenders? 

I wish I could share some of this happiness and what is happening with my friends back at Carswell. I wonder how they are all doing. Some may have successfully been transferred by now. Others may still be fighting the system. I wonder who is sick and who is getting out. I pray Taz is well. I imagine Lola and Jin are well at the camp. Is it possible that one of Appeals appeals have won? How much longer does Glitter have? Is Nurse and Cali back in California now? Has Mama seen and/or talked to her boys? Did Curls find a new job? Did they figure out what was wrong with Taz? Has my bunky finally been released? So many women cross my mind. I may not be allowed to reach out to them, but that does not mean I forget.

If I could, I'd let them know that I'm doing what I can to make a difference - one day at a time. It's going to take me years for the degree, but my research will hopefully be useful and help women in the future. All I have right now are my prayers. I'll be doing that for you! 

"I Want to Investigate Money Crimes"

It was a really, really long day. I'm not complaining. I wouldn't change a thing. I'm happy and have so much to be grateful for. In fact, I actually received actual money today - the excess of a small grant - awarded to me by my school. Problem is, and isn't there always one, I have not heard back from my P.O. (he doesn't call, he doesn't write - imagine whiney mother referring to child) and do not know the protocol on my financial aid. I do not want to put funds toward bills or rent if I have a legal responsibility in a different direction. I do not think it's technically "income," but I know that I needed his permission to begin with and I don't want to make incorrect assumptions... We knows what they say about people who ASSuME things... Ass out of U and Me... In this case just me and the possibility of getting a violation. I'll try calling my PO again tomorrow.

I imagine my finances are being scrutinized much stronger than someone with say a drug crime. For them, it's their blood and urine that's scrutinized. Speaking of scrutinized finances, I found myself engaged in a funny conversation today. I was talking with a fellow student who is freshly out of undergrad and excited to be considering a career in intelligence. I asked where his interests lie and he said that he's specifically interested in money based crimes - white collar offenses. I wonder if my cheeks turned bright red at that moment. If they did, he didn't show it. He then talked about how DEA also sounds exciting. Oy veh. He's a nice guy. I'm sure there may be a time where telling my story could be appropriate, I don't know. 

I kind of want to do a "I can shatter all your stereotypes" workshop for all these folks. I keep hearing things like - Feds don't matter - only 10% of cases go there. Women don't matter because they commit far less crime, and far less violent crime. Discretion is bad in the criminal process (yet discretion allowed me substantial downward departure and I never went through a true arrest). Etc. and... It's only been a week so far!!!!

Best advice I've learned so far - honesty and being humble are your best ways to avoid a ticket or arrest from a police officer. Lies/tears/making up a story is the fastest way to find your way in real trouble. When I told that officer a couple weeks ago that I'm on federal supervision and all about my car just getting back to me, etc., he knew that I was being honest (people don't make up prison!) and it turns out, that helped me avoid a ticket!

In time, I'd like to try and reach out to others who sought degrees in criminal justice grad programs after imprisonment and see how they took to certain concepts. There's got to be a bunch of us out there!

6,000 Steps in an Hour

I'm still wearing my fitbit flex. I do not always get to 10,000 steps, but I try. Today, though, was a running errands around campus day, which meant a lot of steps! I must admit, I also walked to the wrong building entirely on the wrong side of the quite large campus as well. Oops. 

I successfully turned in paperwork to payroll, human resources, and the parking office. This means I will receive a direct deposit of my payroll. Human resources can run yet ANOTHER background check on me since I'm moving into a graduate assistant role (not just volunteering). I successfully purchased a graduate assistant parking permit for campus. I also checked out two more books for my classes at the business library.

I think the human resources experience was the most interesting. Instead of just dropping off my authorization for my background check, I asked if I could speak with the woman conducting the check. Instead of my going to her, she came up to the desk, so my conversation was public and two other ladies could hear everything. Taking the "I have nothing to be ashamed of" approach, I said that I have a felony and asked how the procedure would go. She explained it and was very kind. I said something like, "honesty is always the best policy," and all three of them agreed, nodding and sming at me. I may be a felon, but one look at me, and I'm so non- threatening. It left me thinking about felon stereotypes and the felon identity. Am I an "acceptable" felon when some others are not - simply because I don't fit into stereotypes? Does that help me move forward quicker. Do I have privilege of some sort over other felons? 

Is it gender? Race? My baby face? 

If someone asked you to close your eyes and imagine a felon, who would you describe? Does OITNB change people's perceptions of felons?

I've become very curious. Perhaps a research topic is there for me to flush out out...

Tomorrow, instead of walking so much, I have six hours of classes. Something tells me that I may think back to my long walks of today and continue to think about felon identity. Both classes require research papers. I think all that walking today helped me clear my mind enough to be ready for a possible paper topic.

Labor Day

So how does a graduate student spend Labor Day? At the library of course! The campus library was open for five hours today, which allowed me enough time to get lost among the stacks and find just two of the books I need for the semester. I ordered a couple from other libraries and will have to either rent or buy the rest. The textbook industry is big bussiness... Over $100 per book and a new edition every other year!

T.S. had to watch a 1940's film noire classic from the video collection at the library, so I had the rare privilege of being able to be there with her without being an adult "embarrassment" to a teenage undergrad. Ha. It actually turned out to be a nice afternoon. Pb&j sandwiches and all.

I start "officially" working this week. In a couple weeks, a real paycheck will be deposited into my account. 10% of my gross pay will start being paid toward my restitution. I will finally be on my path toward getting off supervised release. I feel as if I've been in a waiting pattern for the last three months, just holding onto HOPE and being allowed to circle the skies praying not to run out of fuel or crash. Now, I've finally landed and I'm able to start the real journey of life after prison.

I don't mind that I spent Labor Day working on school, because I was working and I'm so grateful to have all that I do right now!

Family Picnic

Tomorrow is the annual picnic for my mothers side of the family. Growing up, it meant horseshoes, softball, volleyball, grilled hotdogs and burgers, tons of side dishes and people that I had no idea who they were or how they were related. I was pretty much the baby of the family for a very long time, so everyone knew me, loved to squeeze my cheeks (ouch!), and generally were kind for a few words before continuing their adult conversation with others. It didn't matter, though, I always loved the family picnic.

When I moved back to where I grew up, after spending over a decade away falling into all the devastation of addiction and chaos, I took on an important role. My grandma had always been a main organizer of the family picnic, (along with my aunt) but my gandma's recent onset of Alzheimer's had started to make things like organizing large events difficult and my aunt was having a difficult go with things at the time, so, as I was trying to rebuild my life while living in my parents' second bedroom, I also planned the annual Labor Day weekend family picnic. Luckily, Sporty assisted by finding some great kid activities - like a bouncy house (lots of kids now that the next generation has come along) and sports equipment. It was a success, and for the next several years, I continued to organize our family picnic.

Of course, I had to release the reigns once I left to go to school, although, I did visit and attend the picnic. Last year, I'm not sure if there was a picnic. I never really heard about one. I was in Texas, so if there was one, I didn't respond to the email invitation.

A couple weeks ago, I received an email inviting me over to a cousin's house for a more casual setting for the family picnic. It had always been at a wooded area - often on a lot of land or a forest preserve- so not sure how being in the backyard of a home in a neighborhood will go, but I'm just grateful that someone new took on the leadership and is continuing this long family tradition. My mother attended family picnics when she was a little girl. This goes way, way back.

Initially, I'd hoped to ask to go home for this weekend, and possibly attend the family picnic. Federal supervision requires a minimum of two weeks written request and I had to wait 60 days until I could request (September 1 is my 60 days... Tomorrow!) So, for two reasons, I could not request this weekend. It makes me sad that my grandma's Alzheimer's is too far advanced now for her to go to any social functions outside her assisted living community. At least my parents will be there - our side of the family will represent.

I'm not sure I would've found my niche at the family picnic. I often find that I just have so little in common with many members of my family. I suppose recent experiences may make me a bit more interesting to talk with - especially with the popularity of OITNB - but it's the one subject my mom and step-dad would get incredibly angry seeing me talking about - prison! My switch to crim justice might bring on good conversation, but once again, it could lead back to that topic my folks scowl at me for (not that I care really if they scowl at me... But just saying). So, then I just listen to everyone talk about their lives. Their houses, kids, art, cars, careers, vacations, etc and then I wonder, "I'm related to all these folks how?" 

Well, at least they don't squeeze my cheeks anymore, that has fallen on the now much younger kids. While horseshoes may not be part of every family picnic anymore, it may not be such a bad thing. One year, when I was about 9 years old, my horseshoe hit my sister's ankle and put her on crutches. She was not very happy with me.

Plus, these days, I define my family much broader than I did when I was young. I do not solely define family by blood... but I still include them as well...

Like, Really?

Sometimes when you are living a reality, you forget how strange it may appear to people outside that reality or even how odd it initially appeared to you when you first saw the behavior until it became normal to you as well. Let's consider fads like wearing leg warmers, crocs, even women working outside the home. 

In prison, there are many of those moments - they have softball teams here? People play pool in the rec? There's a nicely paved outdoor walking path? They have like 100 aerobic videos and only three television we can use to watch them on? If I want to keep Kosher, I better love sardines? A salad bar consists of iceberg lettuce? My 7am call out to see a doctor may result in my seeing the doctor at 3:30pm? I'm in a medical facility and have bad legs, but I have to stand for two hours twice a day to get my pain medications? I am not allowed to touch another inmates nor communicate with them post incarceration, but I can take a amateur picture with them in front of a professional backdrop that I can keep forever?

It's the last one that came up today. We have out of town guests and we were talking a little about my experiences down in Texas. Somehow the subject of pictures came up, so I decided to share the pictures I have of me with fellow inmate friends. The first thing our company said was, "they had a backdrop?!?!?" She was so shocked! Of course this surprised her. She hasn't seen it on Orange is the new Black yet...

I sometimes think that if they actually showed true reality on OITNB, people would say it was too made up. That's the thing about reality. It's often stranger than fiction. OITNB is loosely based on Kerman's experience, but by this point, loosely is an understatement. She was at a camp, OITNB is an FCI (closer to was Carswell is like). That's okay though, OITNB's TV show's intentions is to entertain, and that it does. 

The truth is that very little in prison is entertaining except those moments when the sarcastic part of you can look around and go, "really?!?!" I still laugh at some of the inconsistencies and insanity. One thing that made me laugh was our niece today, reminding me that it's not quite expected that at prison, we would be allowed to purchase tickets to take pics with our fellow felon friends in front of a fancy backdrop.

The 11th Hour

There have been moments this year when I started to question myself, especially lately, am I holding out for something that is just not meant to be. First, my judge tells me that my academic career should end, then my admission is revoked to my phd program after two successful years, then my readmission is put on what seems like an indefinite hold. I don't verbalized my fears, but what if the real answer is "no?" What if I am not officially admitted to the University, what then?

I never had a backup plan. I just kept listening to the messages being given to me - keep trying, be patient, maintain hope, assume it's going to happen, and no one questioned my actions when I did just that - not my PO, not my supervisor, not my new department. They just kept cheering me on - keep going!!! Well, okay, if you all believe in me, and I believe in me, then I'm going to just keep holding onto my belief in hope until I no longer am able to. With classes officially starting tomorrow, I drove home at 5pm having done my program orientation and a long meeting with my supervisor today, wondering if the every five minute check to see if I finally received an email saying my hold was lifted had been raised was too much. Maybe, just maybe, it was time to accept reality. Since mid July, I've been checking and rechecking my email constantly, being told it'll take a week, then ten days, then another week, then waiting til Tuesday, and now it had been another week. Time was ticking. 

5:52pm tonight by email:

"The hold on your application has been lifted and you are approved to continue your academic pursuit. 

My sincere best wishes.

....

Director of Admissions"

After I send a quick thank you, he replies back to me with, "Thank you for your patience, ... Have a success[ful] fall semester."

Let's be honest. I was anything BUT patient! It was 14 hours prior to their start of classes and I was officially admitted to the University. The biggest struggle was within myself, not the process of getting back in.

It's sad to know that many people would probably have never fought their way back into the University. Once their admission was revoked, they would have accepted it as a new dead end. I pray that people can learn from my experience that while I had many self-doubts along the way, perseverance, honesty, open-mindedness, flexibility, and hopefully some humility have helped me find my way back into a major University outside their traditional timeline, into a very competitive program, with a number of opportunities for a future that will not only allow me to pay my restitution, but to pay forward all the good done for me, and do public good for others throughout my life. 

Tomorrow I will officially sit in my first class as an official student of the University after my incarceration. I will never forget how many people went out of their way to help make this possible for me and I will do my best to make them all proud. Most of all, I will do the best I can to make myself proud. I do not have to be perfect, I just have to commit myself to this, work hard, follow through, and believe in myself. 

I am officially a student again at the 11th hour!

The Restitution Question

According to my judge's order, I must pay 10% of my gross income to my restitution. Since I had to report in about my "police interaction" last night (he'd already received notice and was glad I called because he was going to call me), I decided to ask a bunch of restitution related questions.

My P.O. has been doing this job a long time, like a lot of people I meet in the criminal process, yet somehow I always seem to have the unique circumstances, even though they really shouldn't be all that unique. I asked about whether a grant and a student loan will count as income in terms of having to pay 10% toward my restitution. I was not complaining about having to do so, but I do worry that those funds have specific educational purposes and putting them (even 10%) toward a personal debt may be outside the guidelines of the grant/ loan. Also, on federal taxes, they are not forms of taxable income. I'm not sure if that matters. My P.O. will get back to me on that. It's not my plan to actually take out much in loans, mostly I am eligible for a grant that I'd like to receive and I may need just enough loans to help with textbooks, student fees not covered by my graduate assistantship, and a little bit of support to catch up since I've been unemployed since I've been home and since I was never officially made a student, my employer could never pay me that donation made on my behalf this summer - because I'm not in the University system. I told my supervisor to deposit the funds into my school year stipend account. At least sharing household expenses with Sporty really cuts my bills big time!!

Another question I had is whether any of the restitution payments I made while at Carswell are showing on my file. The entire time I was locked up, not one monthly payment actually showed up as paid, even though the funds were withdrawn from my account. I was told it's a slow processing issue. What else is new? My PO didn't know.

I asked where my restitution is going and where I should be sending it. It's another question my PO couldn't answer. I guess it was a confusing morning for him with all these very difficult questions before 9am. I knew it was a miracle he answered his phone. He never answers his phone. 

The phone call ended and from the conversation I learned that my PO was glad I wasn't out selling anything illegal last night when I had met up with the cops. NOPE. That I knew slightly more about my restitution situation than my PO. That apparently no one else ever asks their PO a question prior to 9 am.

Where this leaves me? I'm attending the department of criminal justice's graduate student orientation tomorrow. I still have a hold on my admission, although I now know that even the dean of the grad school, the same one that revoked my admission last year, signed for my admission this year. It's waiting for one last signature. I have no access to any University systems, libraries, parking permits, etcetera because I'm not an official student. I'm working my 20 hr per week graduate assistantship, only I can't be officially hired because I'm not a student yet, and I'm earning no money and have none of the benefits. I'm eligible for a grant and student loans, but they can't be processed until I'm a student and then my PO will decide if I'll have to pay 10% of the financial aid to my restitution.

Truly, even my PO thinks this is all going to work out!

Sirens

I don't know about you, but I'm one of those drivers who hated when a police car is driving behind me. I may be doing everything right, but I will suddenly be nervous. Somehow I will just know that they will turn their lights on and I'll get pulled over. 99% of the time, they just turn away or pass my by, probably annoyed that I've slowed down too much. Ugh, a granny driver! It's that 1% of the time that scares me, though. I don't want a ticket. I never was one to do well with police interaction, but now that I'm on federal supervision and have a record, I'm especially nervous. We all hear stories.

I'm guessing you know what I'm leading up to here. We had a really long day today. T.S.' dorm room move-in is on its third day and finally the furniture is set where it is staying (I pray) but once that was set, we had to go shopping and, well, we were all pretty much exhausted. When we left the store around 9pm, I failed to turn on my headlights (I'm still not used to driving a vehicle that does not have lights that can stay on and automatically turn on/off) and about half way of the four miles home I realized it and flipped on the lights. That's exactly when the other lights (blue and red) were flipped on behind me as well. My first thought was, "I'm going to have to call my P.O. tomorrow morning and report this..." My goal is to stay under the radar, not have to report police interaction.

The rules are the rules, though. I listened to the officer inform me that my lights were off. I told him about not having my car for the past year, about why that was, how I'm not used to not having auto lights, how my parents had been taking care of the car, etc. Be humble. Be honest. 

A few minutes later the police officer returned to my vehicle and did not write me a ticket. He believed me story. It was the truth. Always best to just say the a truth. I'm glad I spoke my truth, there's a lot in his car computer that he can gain access to that even I don't know, so I'm never going to try to outsmart a cop. 

I still have to contact my P.O. tomorrow. I will likely only get his message machine. He will write some comments in my file. It shouldn't leave to bad a mark as long as I continue to do what is expected of me. I hate to admit though, I think I will now be a bit more scared of those officers driving behind me for now on.

The Truth of Fellowship

One of many words I had no real meaning for prior to six years ago was "fellowship." I'd known of community, but now that I know of fellowship, I see how much deeper it goes than community. One of the great gifts of being in a recovery program is the fellowship we share, especially as we build stronger relationships and personal connections within our meetings.

I was fortunate to have the opportunity to experience the great blessing of incredible fellowship today with new and old friends - including some I haven't seen for quite a while. The day brought laughter, tears, hugs, smiling, sharing, helping, and even some drawing. I hold onto energy from days like today to help me get through tough days, remembering that many people are still struggling with this insideous illness losing everything, and that through GA, I have some very close friends.

I think people are able to find fellowship in places outside of recovery rooms and events. Many religious institutions organize around concepts of fellowship. I think a true fellowship must have some open form of communication about a specific topic.

In the end, today,I chose to give my phone number to two people needing a female person to help them with initial ga program question and two people who want to attend our new meeting. Most important to me, though, was that hug. The hug by my ga friend who wasn't quite sure if she would see me this morning. Feeling the reaction of her body while we hugged and knowing that those were real tears of happiness to see me, is the real fellowship that has kept me knowing prior to, during, and now after prison, that I am never alone and the very real value of fellowship!

Do You Really Want to be My Friend?

One of the first things I did when I was released from prison was clear out most of my Facebook "friends." If I haven't seen, spoken to, or written to you in a couple of years, are you really someone that needs to know everything about who I know's head got recently covered in ice water? I kept my close friends, my family, my recovery friends, anyone who wrote or supported me in any way while I was in Texas, and University friends that I knew were caring despite all the gossip and drama. I no longer cared how many Facebook friends I had, just that I knew that whatever I posted I didn't have to worry about who was on the receiving end. My privacy settings are high, but I can't and won't control what others do with the information they receive from me. It's okay though, I'm not ashamed of my life.

Every couple days, though, I receive a friend request. It's either from someone I had unfriended due to my uncertainty of their support, or we weren't friends prior to my incarceration. I look at the request sometimes and for a split second and wonder "why," why are they reaching out to me. Truth is, most of them know nothing of where I've been for the past year. Some didn't even notice we weren't Facebook friends until they saw me post on another friend's message. It really doesn't matter. They are reaching out to me, wanting to reconnect.

I made the decision tonight to go ahead and just accept the friend request and to send them private messages saying that they should check out this blog so they know what I've been up to and ask questions in they have any. I've done that so far like four times when people have friended me and I'm pleased to share that they have all been incredibly supportive. I'm so amazed by the open mindedness of the vast majority of people I meet.

According to prison time, I am three days and a wake up from my new department's orientation, and four and a wake up from my first class. I still have a hold on my enrollment and registration. The secretary at the department wrote to me that I should move forward on the "assumption" that the hold will be lifted. I decided to order a couple of the books from Amazon today. I can return them if I have to. Or maybe that open mindedness  did spread to the University and I will be officially a student once again in just a few days, adding more people to my Facebook friends list.

One Year

Today marks the one year anniversary of the day I self-surrendered to FMC Carswell. Every moment of the day is still so vivid in my mind. There were so many new sights, sounds, smells, people, touches, clothes, and rules. Nothing in the world prepares you for that first day.

I knew from the beginning that I was not alone. Survivor just dropped me off and I knew that she and my other close friends were all thinking about me and some even shedding tears. My letter writing started immediately. As did my connections with new friends - South, Chi, Freckles, Appeal, Danbury, Lola, Mama, Nurse, Glitter, Curls, Army, Bandana, Braids, Ark, Cali, Taz, Red, Bunkie, Longwinded, Mexi, and many more! Friends and family were a lifeline throughout the last year and I thank every person who has said a kind word, shared a laugh with me, sent me a letter/card/book, tweeted me, Facebook messaged me, sent emails, or prayed for me. While incarcerated and after, my heart has been truly filled with awe at all the love and support I've received. Thank you!!!

I guess, if I lost good time, today would actually be the day I would exit prison. Yesterday would've been 365 days and today was the +1. As the goody two shoes I am, I didn't visit the SHU and lost no good time, so I didn't have to truly max out (I knew of very few who ever did). However, I guess that's another reason this date - Aug 19th is significant (I have 3 min to finish this blog post and upload before the date turns to the 20th -  not going to happen - but know I started on the 19th!!!)

Three years ago, on August 19th, I also started a private blog with one of my best friends and I just realized it today, when the site we used (we stopped posting about 1 1/2 years ago), sent me a your blog turned 3 today email. It appears that August 19th may be a very significant date for me.

Okay, I got my hopes up. I did what I always say DON'T DO! I built expectations and assumptions around today. This morning I put on Facebook that my life would "change" today... All because I believed that today is the day I would hear back from admissions and my hold would be lifted. This belief did not come out of nowhere, mind you. I had some decent clues.

Last week, my supervisor at work received a call from admissions telling her that the application is back at admissions and is now waiting on one more signature from someone who will be back in the office on Tuesday (TODAY - the 19th). I was told by an assistant dean in the grad school that I should hear at the early part of this week. Well, after today, it's the "mid" part of the week... So, you get my drift. I'm doing my best to have patience, but people first told me I'd hear two weeks ago, then last Wednesday, and then Today. 

Did I hear today? Well, I did talk with admissions today. The final person was on vacation and just got back. They are not sure when he will get to my file. That's where it was left. School starts in a week and my job should have started this week. Ce la vie for the life of a felon!

So August 19th resulted in more time volunteer working at my future campus job, spending time with T.S., working out to Jillian Michaels, watching the "American President," and being a plain, good, fine, ordinary day.