First Conversation with my P.O.

I am not yet under the supervision of my probation officer, since the RRC is in charge of my supervision. I've never met him either, since I had no supervision prior to my self-surrender, so I decided to give him a call yesterday. I'm curious about what supervision will be like and how much freedom I'll actually have. Obviously, not freedom to do anything bad, but will I still have a curfew? Can I plan to do a special weekend away with my close friends? Etc.

My P.O. seemed like a nice guy when I talked to him on the phone. He knew exactly who I was with just my name - he's talked with Sporty a couple times since I'm living with her. He didn't want to answer any questions until my official out date - July 2nd. He was like, "wow, that's right around the corner, isn't it?" So, we made a time for me to meet him at his office that afternoon and he said he will give me all the details then. It's crazy that people only tell you what to expect when the day arrives... No ability to prepare oneself. Just another unknown in the future.

I tried to see if my 2x weekly check in could get transferred to him for the remaining time of my home confinement... His office is 15 minutes away, the RRC is 1 1/2 hours away. It isn't possible. So, after this morning, I have 3 more times of that ridiculous drive.

I did get him to answer one question in the positive, though. He says I'll be limited to the western side of my state for the first 60 days or so of my supervision, which will allow me to do my special annual weekend retreat with my close GA friends. Eleven of us will be doing the retreat this year and since I had to miss last year's, I'm super pumped for it. I started this retreat, but it has really become part of all of our lives. I do a lot of the organizing, still, and I've already planned some weekend activities! I can't wait to sit around a campfire and eat s'mores!!

Also, even though I'm restricted to the western side of my state, my P.O. gave me permission to attend a Queen (with Adam Lambert) concert next month on the eastern side of the state. I've been a Queen and Adam Lambert fan... the two together just sounds like an amazing concert! Glad my P.O. said yes. He sounds like a pretty reasonable guy!

I don't know what my life will be like once supervision starts (being on paper, as we call it in prison), but I know it should be more relaxed than my home confinement. It's just one more step closer to real freedom. I think it really depends on who your P.O. happens to be. As long as mine has a sense of humor, I think it'll be all right.

I'm Not Ashamed

After my three hour drive for a ten minute meeting at the RRC today, I met a professor/friend for lunch. It was a wonderful lunch meeting and very nice catching up. She knows my story and supports me. I told her the story of my admission being revoked. She knew a bit of it, but I told her it all. She's willing to be a reference for me as I work to get back in. I'm grateful.

The conversation did lead me to feel as if I'm defending myself. Could I still get a job as a professor? How will it be if I'm working along with people from my old program? Hard questions for me to answer, but I just smiled and said things like:

"I'm not afraid of haters, they are everywhere, I can work with anyone. Their  judgement is on themselves, not me..."

"I will get back into (my school) and I will walk across that graduation stage one day. To all the nay-sayers out there, I'm doing this for myself, for everyone who has made mistakes in their lives, and because what matters is who I am and what I do today, in recovery, not who I was and what I did in addiction..."

"I'm not concerned about where I will work, that's years away... Will I get a job? Yes. But for now, my concern is about taking it a day at a time and for right now, all I need to concern myself with is getting back in school..."

"I will not be ashamed of who I am, the experiences I've had, or the fact that I went to prison. The experiences made me more passionate to help others, more passionate to continue my education, and more passionate about the value of overcoming hardships. This is not my end, it's yet another beginning..."

People want to hear the horror stories of prison, and there are tons. I hadn't shared with you all, yet, the reality of learning that several staff members at Carswell were reading this blog and let me know. It kept me from sharing certain things, I always had to consider protecting myself. I'm home now, though, so I can share more openly and I will... However, even though I just experienced hell, it doesn't mean I want to dwell on the negative. I'm stronger now and that experience helps me know that I can overcome anything. I'm not happy about the experience, but I can focus on what I learned and the good people, rather than the horribleness and the bad people.

Being home has helped me immensely in getting past some of my walls of protection I built, but I have a feeling that some healthy walls may remain. These walls will allow negativity to bounce away from me, haters to have no impact on me, and shame to be nonexistent. We can only feel ashamed if we allow ourselves to do so. 

I have nothing to be ashamed about. I had an addiction. I committed a crime to feed my addiction and irrationally believed I wasn't doing anything wrong. I apologized openly in court to a packed courtroom. I put myself into recovery and surrendered fully to the program. I have not gambled in over six years. I've learned why I developed an addiction and have taken as many steps as possible to avoid a cross-addiction. I help others dealing with the same. I got myself into a top education PhD program. I worked hard over two years - earning fellowships and scholarships and passing my initial comprehensive exams. I went to prison with my head held up and I survived the experience. So, no, I am not ashamed. To be honest, I'm humbly proud of myself. I owe my success to so many people, and hope to pay forward as much as I am able. I will be an example of someone who can make something of themselves after prison, and by doing so, I know I will help others not give up on their goals/dreams either.

Anyway, lunch went well, although I hate that my time is limited. We would've kept talking. I have a feeling I'll be working with this professor friend of mine sometime again in the near future, and I know she carries no judgement of me. That's the way I hope I am when a future student comes to me with their hope for a second chance. There's no shame in asking for help and reaching out, the only shame is not reaching out and keeping it all inside.

Six Years

Today marks my six year GA anniversary. It was also my first GA meeting since before I went to prison. It was a great meeting and I was happy to hear a lot of recovery in the room. Giving my therapy, I knew I was where I was supposed to be.

A lot of people get some clean time in and then they choose to stop going to meetings. Their lives get busy, they have money again, they believe they can stay clean on their own. Too often, we see them walk back into a meeting weeks, months, or years later. They are once again devastated by their addiction and need help. I've never seen anyone walk into a GA meeting and say, "you all were wrong, I went back out and it was great!" The first gamble to a compulsive gambler is like the first drink to an alcoholic. There is no good that comes out of it.

Also, it's those with a decent amount of recovery time that are so important to newbies who need to hear our stories of recovery, have us to sponsor them, and guide them through the steps. Those who were already in the program helped us and we now pay it forward to those that are new. I gave my contact info to two people who requested it. That's what we do.

There's also no magic time when you should start recovery. Some are successful early after discovering they have a problem, others have to face dire consequences to their addiction. As a rabbi once said in her sermon, "you never reach rock bottom, you just stop digging." The only real rock bottom is death and I pray most will find recovery before that extreme consequence.

Sporty and I have decided to start a new GA meeting in the area. It will start in 1 1/2 weeks. We've successfully helped start two others that are strong today (where we used to live), so we hope this new meeting here, on a night that had no local meeting) will be successful.

I never thought I'd connect with a 12 step program. I also never really understood what it was. At first, it can be very intimidating, but if you keep going back, it becomes comfortable and safe. If you struggle with an addiction, give yourself the gift of recovery. Will power alone doesn't work in the long term.

I gambled for 14 1/2 years, so 6 years of recovery is still nothing compared to my loss of such a long amount of time gambling. I plan to keep going to meetings for the rest of my life, sponsor others, rework the steps, and know that if ever I am in need of a friend, all I need to do is call someone else in recovery or go to a meeting. Yes, it's that simple.