Being home

Five days on home confinement so far, and I have to say, "life is good!!" There are so many things I can do and I'm loving it! I am married to my house phone (the rrc does call at any time they want to check to ensure I'm home --- midnight, 3am, 6am, 10:30am, noon, 3:00pm, 6pm, etc. They only call 2-3x per day, but I never know when the phone will ring). I always get a call that wakes me up.

Sporty set up a nice home for me to come to. It's a 70's rental townhome, so the floors squeak with every single step. Even little superdog can't avoid squeaking the floors. At least no one sneaks up on me!

My room seems huge to me, even though I don't have the master. In fact, my full size bed feels enormous. I roll over and don't hit a cinder block wall!!! I am still working on getting my room set up, but I take little steps every day. I have boycotted making my bed for a couple days, but I hate walking in my room and not having my bed made, guess I'll have to find something else to boycott.

Superdog follows me everywhere and sleeps next to my bed. She always slept with T.S. when she's home (which she is for the summer), but ever since my second day here, she barely leaves my side. I haven't lived with her in 3 years, so maybe she thinks if she keeps an eye on me, I won't leave her again. I don't know, but having the constant companionship of a wonderful dog makes home confinement much more tolerable!

I am able to get fresh air. My house phone in my pocket, I can sit just outside my front door, let Superdog relax with me, and enjoy being outside. I wish I could take walks, but that is not allowed.

I am still working out, though. Actually, it took me a couple days to get back into my daily habit. I discovered free workout videos on comcast on-demand. Many need weights and things I don't yet have, so I've stuck mostly to Pilates and yoga. It feels good to continue that morning tradition. 

Food is amazing!!! I forgot how good things could taste!!! This week's highlights include pizza, Chinese, chipotle, real salad, salami and provolone sandwich, ice cream, cheese omelette, home-made waffle, bacon, raisin bran cereal, taco salad, edimame, and Arizona Arnold Palmer tea/lemonade. It's a good thing I am working out!!! I've actually lost weight.

I've left the house only once. I had to drive myself to/from the rrc (3 hours total driving). My appointment there lasted 10 minutes. What a waste of gas. But it got me out and back being comfortable driving. I listened to radio and heard some current music. I'm really behind the times now. I'll repeat that trip 7 more times. Instead of counting down hamburger days, I will count down trips back to see my CW.

I've been enjoying catching up on some movies. I watched Hunger Games 2 and Frozen, so far. Oh, and just the first episode of the second season of "Orange is the new Black." I've been asked by tons of people if I think I could handle watching it. I said, " hell yes, it's hilarious..." I actually really want to watch it, but in just the first episode I was thinking, "wow, yep, that's pretty accurate," a couple times. The first episode lacked the humor and really went for the drama. I'm sure the humor will be back soon. Or, perhaps, I couldn't see the humor in something I just lived through. Although, I really saw humor every day living the reality of prison. As we would say, "you can't make this s**t up!"

I have started my job of doing everything to get back in school. I officially have a meeting with the associate dean of the graduate school and have reached out to a couple professors to talk with. The ultimate decision to let me in school lies at the departmental level, so hopefully I'll get more meetings set up soon! I'm nervous, but know I can do this!!

Survivor did a nice job on my finances and it looks like I can sustain paying minimums on my bills for two months while I work everything out. That's with the incredible generosity of many friends who donated funds to me while I was away and Sporty allowing me to share the townhome for free for a while. Everyone's generosity does not go unnoticed!!! Thank you friends!!!!!

In fact, friends have been stopping by, and it's been wonderful. I've seen Cashe a couple times (even watched some Doctor Who!). Joy, Traveler, and others have also stopped by. It's so nice to see them!!! For me, it doesn't seem like almost a year passed, but catching up, I realize how much their lives have moved forward. My perspective seems to be that life just stopped 10 months ago, but for others there are new babies, dissertation proposals defended, graduations, new jobs, people moving, new relationships, and so much more!! Even though I learned much of these things in letters, somehow it wasn't as real to me until I was home.

I think this month of home confinement will go by quickly. I'm keeping myself busy. I'm enjoying downtime with T.S. and reading recovery books with Sporty. Tomorrow is my 6 year G.A. recovery anniversary. I have permission to go to a meeting. Slowly, life is getting more and more "normal."

I had a hard time figuring out which remote went to which device.

Sex, Affection, and Relationships in Prison

So, I'm running low on days to write this blog post before my self surrender, so I suppose now is the right time. If anyone reading this blog has watched "Orange is the New Black," they have seen a lot of prison sex. Well, while the free reign of locations and time do not really exist in women's prisons, sex does happen. To my utter amazement, one academic study noted that 75-80% of women in prison engage in some sort of same-sex "coupling or relationships" that include some sort of sexual favor. I thought perhaps I would write a bit about what I've read.

First, it seems to make little difference as to the sexual orientation of the woman in prison. Some call it, "gay for the stay." Others just refer to it as the necessary need to have intimacy and affection. Sexual favors do not always include something which leads to orgasm. In many prisons, women who are identified as lesbians or who are not very feminine are considered "studs." The other women are considered femmes. In many prisons it is the femmes that let the studs know they are interested, but if caught, it is often the stud that is penalized. COs often keep a close eye on anyone known to be a lesbian (homophobia alive and well in the prison system even though there are some really amazing policies and anti-discrimination training against doing so). 

Second, families of sorts form in prison. These may or may not include some form of sexual play. These "families" are often made up of a stud and femme who have a strong bond and close relationship along with a couple young, maybe 20-something, inmates who are like their children. They will act as mentors for these younger offenders and protect them from the dangers of prison. There will be no sexual relationship with these younger offenders, but as a "family," all will be expected to have each other's backs and to do favors for each other and help one another out. With the younger offenders that are more masculine in the "family," they may be called "boy" and a more feminine one "girl," this is part of the role playing. So hearing inmates refer to others as, "mom, dad, sister, brother, boy, girl, etc." don't do a funny face or assume mom or sister means blood. It may mean within the confines of the prison walls. A family of protection, affection, intimacy, survival, and friendship.

Third, even if all this scares the heck out of you, don't be afraid of a little affection. Just because a woman hugs you, holds your hand, or offers you some comfort, does not mean she wants to have sex with you or to make you her "prison wife." You will still need friendships and affection when you are in prison. And more often than not, these are women just like you, scared, loved ones at home, and just lonely.

Know whatever your boundaries are and don't cross those boundaries. "No," still means, "no." Whatever you decide to do, know that it is against the prison rules to engage in any sexual activity in prison (although as mentioned above, it occurs), so if your goal is to do your time and get out, following the rules and keeping a low profile will help. At the same time, do not be a snitch on others if you don't want to be on the wrong side of a fight or thrown in the SHU for your own protection.

As for me, I am currently in a place in my life where sex couldn't be further from my list of priorities. I do enjoy some affection and imagining choosing to go nearly a year without allowing anyone to ever even give me a friendship hug is a bit insane. I will not put boundaries on affection that is allowed in prison, but I choose to only engage in such behavior that will not risk my good time off. I have too much to come home to and too many people I can't wait to hug back home!!

Piper Kerman

I am going to be known in prison as a number. Most likely I will remember this number for the rest of my life. Every prisoner gets a number and that is how we are known and called by. When I heard Piper Kerman talk about her experience in the Danbury women's prison, (http://www.prx.org/pieces/87687-the-moth-radio-hour-1304-air-window-1-22-13-1), it felt a little too close to stories of other places where the goal is for individuals to lose identity and just become "one of" and unimportant. I promise to not allow this to happen to me.

It appears that Piper made sure it did not happen to her either. She used the experience to write a humorous and insightful memoir called, "Orange is the new black." I already have it on order from Amazon and will receive the book in a couple days. I hope to read her book before starting to watch the dramatization of it on Netflix. Netflix ordered the book into a series which happens to start on July 11, 2013 (just days from when I am keeping this blog). In one of the coming attractions for the new series, another inmate asks Piper something about her background, and Piper remarks back, "I thought you weren't supposed to ask questions. That's what the books said," and the other inmate makes a face and comments, "you researched for prison??" And I knew that I could be Piper in that exact situation. I am a researcher by trade and my counselor pointed out to me just today that due to my childhood and survival instincts, it is not a surprise that I want to know as much as I can about what I will need to prepare myself for.

I plan to watch the entire first season of the new Netflix series before leaving for whatever place I am going. As I read Piper's book, I may make some comments. At the very least, I will let you know if I recommend it!