Doing Right for our Kids

I've mentioned before, I think, that I don't have any biological kids of my own. It's a long story on why that is. However, I love kids and I've helped raise some kids over the years. One of these kids, T.S., is the closest thing to a daughter I will ever have. I'm incredibly proud of her. She is bright, kind, giving, helpful, and not trying to be too grown up before she has to be. She is 18 years old and about to go to college. She was admitted to many universities, but she wanted to go where I am, before any of us knew that I would be going to prison, so she selected to go out of state to my university to start her studies.

I made T.S. a lot of promises I cannot keep now that I'm going to prison. I'd told her that I would take her out to dinner once a week. I told her that she could enjoy a bath once in a while in my bath tubs (the residence halls only have showers and she loves baths). I told her I would help purchase her school books. I told her I could take her places. I told her I would help get stuff for her dorm room. I told her many things, but most importantly, I told her I WOULD BE HERE FOR HER! Now I won't be.

T.S. is fairly mature, having gone through more than her share of life events at a young age, but she is still 18 and when someone who is a parent figure in your life makes promises (even if they don't say the word promise) we cannot let them down. Not if we want any chance of coming back to a positive relationship after prison.

First, I've never lied to T.S. Since she was old enough to understand, she's known that I could be arrested at some point and why.

Second, when I realized I was going to prison, I spoke honestly with T.S. and hoped she could understand. She said she did, and most young people will claim to.

Third, I found surrogates to fill my roles with all of my promises. Granted, her mom has to fill some of them, but my friends offered their bathtub, multiple friends of mine friended T.S. on Facebook and told me that if T.S. needs anything while I am gone, they will help her out. I met a professor who can help her find tutoring if she needs it. Her cousin already promised her to help with decorating her dorm room. T.S. is going to be well taken care of in my absence. At 18, and soon to be 19, years old, at least that care doesn't have to be 24/7.

I write about this because we can't forget about the promises we made to our kids or the children in our lives. They may depend on those promises. Our lives are upside down, but don't take it out on the innocent ones being left behind. Knowing they are still living their lives in the best possible way should bring you some happiness while doing your time.

Independence Day

Yes, July 4th has come and gone for this year. For me, I had a nice day. I spent it with Sporty, we mostly organized things around my home and then went and found a random place to eat tacos from a mobile truck and watch the city fireworks overhead. It was actually quite perfect. I haven't really been in much of a festive mood but that night just kind of fell together the right way.

In this blog, though, I'm not talking about that Independence Day, I'm talking about the other one, the day of freedom, the day we are released from prison. I was curious exactly how "good time" was calculated. I was told that my sentence of one year and a day made me eligible for good time resulting in 10 months. I was curious how that was calculated.

Turns out that it actually has some controversy, as the DOP calculates it as less time off than the statute originally intended. What it turns out to calculate to is the following days of imprisonment for every 356 days sentenced:

319 days

It is 319 days from the start date to the end date, but not including the end date

Or 10 months, 15 days excluding the end date

Alternative time units

319 days can be converted to one of these units:

27,561,600 seconds

459,360 minutes

7656 hours

319 days

45 weeks (rounded down)

I was thinking I might have difficulty tracking days of the week inside, I promise I will not be tracking hours, minutes, or seconds! It is interesting to know that given my sentence, those are my exact number of days though - 319!

So, I decided to use a date calendar and see what my proposed day of independence would be. There are a lot of free websites that allow you to put in dates and calculate the number of days between. So, I put the start at 8/19 and kept moving around the end date. I thought that my 10 months would end in June, but 45 weeks is actually longer than 10 months. It is 10 months 15 days.

Wouldn't you know it... 319 days from the day I self surrender - July 4, 2014. I suppose next years Independence Day and each one after "may" have an extra special meaning! I'm not sure if they will actually release someone on a federal holiday, but that's the date, I kid you not.

Laughter and Privilege

I wonder whether this has happened to others. You get all nervous. Sit down to tell someone your story. At the end, tell them you are going to prison. And they LAUGH. They can't help it. It is the last thing they can ever imagine coming out of your mouth.

I will certainly not fit anyone's stereotype of a felon or prison inmate. That does not make the experience any less real for me. The laughter goes through me almost like nails on a chalk board, I've just trusted someone with something so deep and terrifying and their laughter makes it into a joke. I know they don't mean it that way. They literally do not believe me.

It makes me think of life after prison just a bit. I will have the good fortune of people giving me the benefit of the doubt and opportunities because of who I am, what I look like, and my education. Others will not be so lucky, they will wear their felony decree like a tattoo etched on their forehead where people do not give them a break because of racism, ignorance, and cycles of poverty. People will not laugh at them about their felony, they assume the felony. It is such a sad society we live in.

This is one of the many reasons I will do my best at acceptance throughout my prison stay. I've had so much privilege in my life for the mere fact of the color of my skin or the community I was raised in. Many people I will be imprisoned with have never had one day of that reality of privilege in their life. I am no better than anyone there. I committed my crime, where some of them could be innocent. The racism in our judicial system is vast and I even studied it in law school. 

I'm not saying that everyone in prison is innocent, I'm just saying that privilege gave me one year and a day, where someone else could have been sentenced to two years. Privilege gave me five years to get well before being charged, where someone else would have been arrested immediately. Privilege is allowing me to self surrender, where someone else would be held in custody. Privilege allowed me to travel internationally one month before my sentencing, where someone else would have had to turn in their passport earlier.

The purpose of this blog - be aware of your privilege if you have some - because the other inmates certainly will be!

Signs of Stress

There is no way around it, neither meditation, nor candy, nor prayer, nor distraction, nor getting things done, ... It is just there... STRESS. I've had a lot of stress over the years in my life, but I'm seeing the signs of it right now as if it is close to its worst. Of course, I could just blame my memory issues on my health, but it's probably due to that ugly word stress!

Yesterday, I rode my scooter, Hope, all the way home and was locked out of my house, having locked my keys inside my office on campus. Today I was riding Hope to campus and for the first time ever in any vehicle I've ever driven, ran out of gas! In 92 degree heat!! I tried to start walking Hope home, but the hills & my bad health got the better of me. I posted on Facebook my predicament and had a rescue response in less than a minute (although I had to wait more than 40 minutes in the heat for her to appear with the one gallon of gas).

I wonder if others find themselves being forgetful during these days just before self-surrender. It is certainly difficult at times to have my head "in the game." It is not an excuse, though. I was more than an hour late to work today (and had to ask the office manager to let me in my office since my office keys were also locked inside my office).

I lie in silence a lot, clear my head, think of nothing, and try to stay in that state of relaxation without falling asleep. I feel outwardly more anxiety than stress. But perhaps that anxiety is just a symptom of  the stress.

In the end, I suppose, everyone would say that it is perfectly normal to feel stress at this time. We are going through a huge life change. We are going to an unknown, where we have little control, if any. However, we must find ways to maintain our sanity, our memory, and our health best we can. I'm still searching on my magic way, although riding Hope certainly is one.

Weather and Clothing

I decided to look up the average temperatures in Fort Worth. They certainly have the four seasons, even though they are south, although the winters will be milder than up in the north. It has been weird to think about going somewhere and packing nothing for the trip. With the weather what it is in Fort Worth, I would want a bit of my entire wardrobe. I love to wear layers, but only shorts and a t-shirt to sleep because I get warm. In prison, so many of these choices will be made for me.

I really do not enjoy cold weather, icy ground, or being in the snow. I like seeing it from the warmth of my home (or by a fire place). I do not walk super well and ice makes me nervous (in Jan 2012, I slipped on ice and tore my right knee ACL for the third time). I'm pretty much a klutz! I don't think there will be many icy days at the prison.

As for my clothing, I wonder how comfortable the prison garb is. I will certainly buy the t-shirts and long sleeve shirts to allow for layers (and sweats). At least I'm comfortable in khaki. One outfit for ten months, no fun socks or shoes, I'm not saying I'm a girlie girl by any means, but I will miss being able to look outside at the weather and deciding what I want to wear for the day.

Balance of Character

My public defender had me write my life story for her. I suppose it was cathartic, but it took me months. It was painful and very difficult. My big question was how to write myself as a whole person - someone who was not all good or all bad. I certainly did very good things in my life, and given my current predicament, I did some very bad things as well. How could I write something that could achieve this balance of character. Perhaps allow this stranger, my attorney, who lived in a different state than I did so only knew me through phone calls and emails, to care about who I was and understand my addiction. It was important, probably only to me, that my life story give some insight. I am not a psychologist, but anyone reading my life story should be able to put enough pieces together to be able to say, "oh, I kinda get it now." I'll give you an example as an excerpt from my first time in a casino:

"It was during the same senior year [of college] that I first went to a casino. One had opened about 45 minutes [away] and a couple friends and I decided to check it out. I immediately got a rush just by being inside the casino – the lights, the sounds, and the people. I was just 21 years old and I was fascinated. I didn’t have a lot of money, being a student and all, but that didn’t stop me from trying out the slot machines. I was not secure in my card playing or in understanding the rules of the table games, so slot machines seemed the best way to go – put money in, pull the right arm (the machines were not computerized yet), and hope for a win. Well, wouldn’t you know that a bit into pulling the arm I would win a jackpot - $1,250. The bells and whistles blew to tell the entire casino that someone had won. My friends were amazed and I’d never had so much money in my hands in my entire life. I can honestly say that I was hooked already. This was fun. This was easy. This was a way to have the money to do the things I only dreamt of doing. I returned the next day with my friends – as I put us up in a motel nearby. I wanted to hear the bells and whistles again."

I was there with such innocence, yet, already could not just walk away with a win. Why am I blogging about this today? Because we are such complicated people. We can not be simply defined by terms of all good or all bad, although if you read my earlier posts I will beg to differ on your belief that you are a "bad" person. I was and am not a bad person, even though many people believe I am because I hurt them, lied to them, was doing bad things during my time of addiction. But reading that short excerpt above, I'm not sure of how much choice I had, even at the beginning, my first time in my first casino. A big win at the time. Taken by the lights and sounds. My ability to be a big shot with money suddenly. Kind of makes sense for the same kind of rushes that get people in trouble around all kinds of crimes and addictions.

I thank my higher power every day that I am able to say, "I'm not going to gamble today," and know that I can be true to that statement. I don't think I'm any less complicated a person, though, than the one that I needed to present to my attorney. Anyone who seems to present themselves as not conflicted at times, is probably not showing their true self.

Getting Those Words Out of Your Head

One of the things I find so common among almost anyone who has struggled with an addiction of any type is the negative self talk. I don't think we developed it on our own. It came from others, judging us, and our believing those words. We may never tell anyone, but inside our heads we believe we are, "stupid," "ugly," "selfish," "unworthy," "a mistake," "broken," "fat," "not good enough," "retarted," "dumb," "worthless," "a failure," "useless," etc. Sure, as kids we were all called some of those names, but some of us were called them by maybe the wrong people or too many times or somehow, we just started to believe them.

I carried around many of these words with me much of my life. Even my over-achievements couldn't help me lose the words "stupid" or "unloved" from my head. They were so ingrained, that I felt like each time I had success, I was an imposter who did not deserve the success I was earning. 

These are not the only reasons people become addicts. But my self loathing certainly did not help.

I write about this because it is possible that people are throwing these kinds of words at you now, due to your crime or the fact that you will be in prison. You must remember that you are worthy of love. Do not "own" other people's opinions of you. Ever. You must find your way to understand what got you in trouble, work through the self-esteem issues you have, and build a stronger character. 

You may have done a stupid act, but that doesn't make you "stupid." You may have lost your family, but that doesn't make you "unlovable." You may have broken the law, but that doesn't make you "broken." 

Creating Opportunities

My last post was about a family member that had not responded to any communication by me in weeks. Wouldn't you know it that I received the kindest email from her today? She told me that she would absolutely visit me (not my step-brother or the kids, which is fine), but that she would. Which is exactly what I wanted. I'd jumped to a conclusion and all she needed was time. We have to remember to give our loved ones the time they need.

Another thing we need to be able to accept is that people who care about us often feel powerless over our situation. They want to "fix" it, but there is no magic pill. We must do our time. We must face the consequences of our actions. They must allow us to face the unknown and scary and they cannot take that away from us. However, we can help by creating some easy opportunities for our family and friends to assist us from the "outside." 

My friend Survivor is taking on my finances while I am gone. She and I were talking this afternoon about the fact that some friends have spoken to her about sending some funds my way during my time at Carswell. The generosity of my friends is unbelievable, many of them need every penny they earn, and yet here they are offering to assist me while I am in prison. I am doing my best to save up for all my basic needs. Of course it would be nice to have some of the nicer commissary items, but they are not necessities and I am hopefully only in for 10 months at the longest. So, we were talking about other ways my friends can feel like they are supporting me.

I already sent my friends my prison address, details on the email and phone system, and information on how the visitation system works, should they have the ability to travel to Texas. I know that they will do their best to email and write, and I know that I will be one of the people who feels very grateful at mail call. Forever I will be humble to this reality and will pay forward this to others I meet facing similar situations by writing others in prison.

While reading the Carswell handbook, I noticed that I can receive magazines and newspapers directly from publishers. So, Survivor and I decided that putting a list together of periodicals that I would like to receive (along with the Amazon book wish list I already have) will be the perfect way to create new opportunities for friends to feel like they are doing "something" to help. I don't expect to receive every book/magazine/newspaper on my lists. In fact, I hope I don't, or I would probably have to give half away to other inmates (which wouldn't be so bad). But, it was fun coming up with my list. Survivor will hold the list, so I don't receive 10 copies of People Magazine. It's important to have a central person who can organize things for you while you are gone. I was able to browse a very comprehensive list of magazines at magazines online. Discount websites are fine to order from because you still receive the actual magazines from the publisher. Make sure your specific institution allows magazines by reading the handbook.

My hope is to have a couple weekly magazines, maybe 1-2 monthly ones, and at least one daily newspaper. Since they are allowed, I see no excuse from cutting myself off from the news of the world. It will be bad enough that I will be cut off from social media for so long (another blog post I will have to do, I am sure!). Make sure that the person who is tracking who is purchasing what for you lets you know who ordered a magazine for you, because it may show up without the gifter's name. I plan to write a nice thank you note for anything I receive, as long as I am able. If I can't, it's about "paying it forward," and I certainly will!

And She Won't Respond

I guess I could say I have been pretty lucky. Since my charges, arraignment, and sentencing, I've had some of the most incredible support. I have had the benefit of five wonderful years of recovery to mend relationships and build new friendships.

My immediate family and close friends all knew about my legal issues from the beginning. I did not feel it was right for anyone to trust me if I did not trust them. Amazingly, they all supported me. Many asked questions. Many prayed that things would turn out differently than they did. Their support was there, always. I was honored to have 37 letters of support, each one making me cry, attached to my attorney's sentencing recommendation. If I had asked for more, perhaps I could have gotten more. That is amazing to me. Five years ago, I would have been hard pressed to get five letters, because I told no one anything about my struggles with addiction which made the truth coming out too much of a shock and my friends all walked away from me. 

I have a "difficult" relationship with my immediate family. Perhaps I will blog a bit more about that at a later time. When everything hit the fan 5 years ago with my addiction and the possibility of legal charges, my mom and stepdad asked me not to tell my step-siblings. Being an adult, I don't know why I just follow their wishes without thinking through the consequences, but I agreed. Now that I am going to prison, and I will not be able to be around to help out my folks, my aging grandparents, etc., I realized all of my step-siblings had to know. What if their grandfather (who is 95) passed away and I wasn't there? Would my folks just tell lies on where I am? And, I have a step-brother and his family in Dallas, less than an hour from where I will be. Maybe his wife, Jen, who I've always gotten along with fabulously will visit. Since everyone in my life is 1,000 miles away, this was a possibility of a visitor.

So, I reached out to Jen. Jen and my step-brother called my folks, but never responded to me. In three weeks, they have ignored my texts and emails as well. Jen is the one person I never thought would do that. The only family I have near the prison. I will give them time. People deserve time. They are the only people from my current life that I've told so far, since my recovery, to turn away from me. 

It is going to happen. This may be the first, but likely will not be the last. People who do not understand. People who come to their own understanding on what happened. We cannot change them. We can only be the best people we can be. I will still call on birthdays and reach out to my niece and nephew. I know I'm not a bad person. 

I always must remember, "other people's people's opinions of me are none of my business."

How We Leave Things

I have been thinking about the fact that there will be several times over the next month that I am saying, "goodbye," for a while to someone. Maybe they know why, maybe they don't. Given that we cannot predict our future (no matter how much we try) we do not know for sure when and if we will see this person again. I suppose this is true always, every day, but it is ever so real when you are facing imprisonment.

Our words are so powerful. Never forget that. Everyone who cares about us is also affected by our sentence. They are going through their own stages of grief and anger and disbelief. Try as much as you can to allow them their feelings. At the same time, do not allow anyone to abuse you mentally, emotionally or physically because of the pain your impending sentence is causing them. Abuse is never okay, and you must believe that you do not deserve it.

I digressed. Ah, saying goodbye, yes, that was what I was supposed to be blogging about. Have I mentioned that I've recently been diagnosed with ADD, it's unmedicated, ha. Ah,yes, goodbyes.

I am trying to consciously make all my words count, because they could be my goodbye to someone. Tonight, I was working with my intern on our newsletter and it goes to print tomorrow. As of now, we have no further meetings planned, but one could come up, not sure. So, I told her that she gets to take more leadership next year in the newsletter because I won't be there... Blah, blah, blah. Then I told her what a pleasure it has been to work with her, that I've been noticing certain strengths (and I listed them off) and that I highly recommend she look into a master's program that I knew she'd never even heard about. I talked with her about why I think she would be a strong candidate, who to get letters of reference from, and more. I wanted this last meeting to be meaningful. Every goodbye should have meaning.

I've been thinking about the people I'm closest with in this world. I can't really plan our "goodbye" moments. They have to just happen. But I will consider my words carefully. I will tell them how much they mean to me. I will thank them for being a part of my life. Make every goodbye matter!

Caught Thinking About the Future

I must apologize for my recent posts. They were honest moments of blogging, so no regrets in doing so, but nonetheless, I work a program of recovery and recovery tells us to live in the day. One of my favorite readings is as follows:

Yesterday, Today, and Tomorrow

There are two days in every week about which we should not worry; two days which should be kept free from fear and apprehension.

One of these days is yesterday with its mistakes and cares, its faults and blunders, its aches and pains. All the money in the world cannot bring back yesterday. Yesterday has passed forever beyond our control. We cannot undo a single act we performed. We cannot erase a single word we said. Yesterday is gone.

The other day we should not worry about is tomorrow with its possible adversities, its burdens, its large promise or poor performance. Tomorrow is also beyond our immediate control.

Tomorrow's sun will rise, either in splendor or behind a mask of clouds ... but it will rise. Until it does, we have no stake in tomorrow, for it is yet unborn. This leaves only one day ... TODAY. Any person can fight the battles of just one day. It is only when you and I add the burdens of these two awful eternities - yesterday and tomorrow - that we break down.

It is not the experience of today that drives people mad - it is the remorse or bitterness of something which happened yesterday and the dread of what tomorrow may bring. Let us, therefore,

LIVE BUT ONE DAY AT A TIME.

---------------------------------

I have always loved that reading because it is so very true. We project what we think will happen in the future, yet it rarely turns out that exact way. We hold onto burdens if our past, yet those days are done and we can do nothing to change the past (only what we do today and each day in front of us matters).

A wise person once said to me when I told them I was worried about the possibility of these legal charges one day getting filed against me, "you can spend every day worrying and if they are never filed, you just wasted every day worrying or you can spend every day worrying and one day they do get filed and you STILL wasted every day worrying." He was absolutely right. Had I been sitting around, worrying for 5 years, I wouldn't be living where I do today. I wouldn't be back in school. I wouldn't have the ability to find joy even during moments of sadness. I would have just wasted away- worrying. 

Don't let yourself go there too often, now we all can't help it some of the time, but when your mind is there - lost in the paranoia of what's to come or the darkness of what was, remind yourself that if you are spending all your energy on the past or future, you are failing to live in today. You can battle the issues of just one day. The day will end at some point. You will close your eyes and be able to start afresh tomorrow. The past and future matter but it is what you do today that matters most of all!!

A Rift in the Plan

I'm not sure why I was not more concerned before now. Maybe it was just a wish, an inability to accept the truth, a hope, I don't know. It wasn't until I was talking with Hansom the other night and we were talking about my including him on my list of 30. We can each bring in a list of 30 names, addresses, phone numbers, and emails of people that we want to stay in touch with while we are incarcerated. We can add/delete people as we need, and they must agree to be communicated with by phone and email (which is monitored just like mail is read), but there is a limited number of people we can put on the list and I wanted Hansom to be one of them and he wanted to be as well.

The thing is, I've mention that Hansom has a felony on his record. He is off probation. However, he may not be allowed to be on my list anyway. There are very strict rules about inmates communicating with current or ex felons. We ended our call with the fact that we will try.

However, our conversation brought me to the reality of something much bigger, and he is aware of this as well, that Survivor may also not be allowed to have any communication with me either. Survivor is my friend, GA sponsor, family, support, confidante, hero, late night texting, laughing, crying, fun loving, understanding, sisterly, caring, loving, other pea in my pod. She is my rock in recovery and has been there at all my darkest moments. The idea of no communication at all with her for nearly a year terrifies me. She is the one person I know can and would visit me (she can fly for free due to her prior career with the airlines). She also recently survived breast cancer and has another surgery scheduled soon after my self surrender (which she put off because of wanting to be at my sentencing and such). I only imagined being incarcerated with knowing my other "pea" was just a phone call, email, or letter away. 

Prison talk (once again, a really good website to join for offenders and their family/friends) confirmed that it is likely Survivor will be initially refused from my visitor list and that she may try to appeal. I'm still waiting to hear about whether other forms of communication will likely be restricted as well. 

I guess it is good to know all this a month before I go in. I will have time to prepare mentally/emotionally. It is something we should all be aware of, though, even with our best intentions, the BOP could put a rift in our plans.

Holidays

Okay, today I kinda cried for a moment. I thought about the holidays. I was talking to Sporty on the phone and talking about Thanksgiving and the Jewish High Holidays and I just got sad. The prison allows visitors on holidays (well, federal holidays - not Jewish ones), but I won't be having any. The Feds try to put inmates close to home so they can get regular visits, but I'm being sent 1,000 miles away from my family and friends. I have absolutely NO expectations of anyone giving up their family traditions to spend a boring day sitting across from me in a visiting room. It is not even about that. I will be gone one year, just one set of each holiday. It will be okay.

The thing is, I missed a lot of holidays in my past. I spent many a thanksgiving, Christmas, New Year, etc. alone in a casino chasing losses or possibly on a winning streak. I believed I had no where else to go. No one wanted me at their holiday festivities. I was alone and whether it was true in fact or not, I believed I was unloved. Most of my adult life consisted of holidays spent with strangers who knew my name because we played at the same tables night after night, yet we knew nothing about one another. We just needed our next "hit," the adrenalin of the next deal of the cards, the next win, the next promise of a life better than the one we are living.

When I stopped gambling in 2008, started recovery and addiction therapy, holidays suddenly mattered. I was suddenly around family and friends that invited me into their homes. I'd actually get more than one invitation at times. I started celebrating holidays with friends that aren't even my holidays - like Christmas and Easter - because my friends invited me to their family dinners (although the Jew in me confused the term "dinner" to mean 5 or 6 once when the Easter dinner was to be served at 2). I also enjoy giving and receiving holiday presents and hate that it won't be a part of our traditions this year! Holidays have come to be a part of my recovery from the "broken" person I was. 

This, of course, leaves me with just one choice, find a way to enjoy the holidays without visitors of family or friends. I shall. During the months of Nov and Dec, they increase phone time from 300 min/month to 400 min/mth. So, I can call people more. I'll figure it out. I guess it is okay once in a while to realize the realities of life in prison. Holidays really hit me today.

38 Days

This is the first time I actually did the real count. I have 38 days until my self-surrender. Some may look at the number and say "only" 38 days. I used to see things that way, usually the pessimist. There is a lot I'm looking forward to in those 38 days, though, including time with family and friends, trying to finish another season of Doctor Who (yes, major nerd), my GA pinning, people coming to visit, many rides on Hope, some summer blockbuster movies and popcorn, and more. So, I'm not going to count down the days. I may notice the weeks go by a bit. I plan to get done what continues to be on my red notebook, finish my class, and enjoy the freedom and nice weather. Live each day, one day at a time. The Feds would like to take a lot away from us, but it is up to you to let them take your optimism or ability to enjoy the simple things in life.

Orange is the New Black

I watched the first three episodes of the series on Netflix tonight. Thursdays are usually tough for me health-wise. My injection medication is on Friday nights and tends to run its course by Thursday mornings, so a night of television seemed just about right.

I absolutely love the creator, Jenji Kohan, who also created, "Weeds." The cast is really great too. It is not verbatim to the book, but many of the characters and the best lines seem to be in it. It is always interesting to see how Hollywood dramatizes reality. Kohan is known to over sex the characters and that is certainly true for this series - men and women alike. The drama is good and I found myself caring quickly for many of the female inmates, especially as their true back stories were revealed. I liked that part a lot, because it showed a side of the inmates that we wouldn't easily see. Many women in the facility made a mistake, found themselves desperate, were manipulated by someone else, or have mental illness. Something tells me that may be the truth for many people I will meet in Carswell as well. 

Do I think the series is worth watching? Yes. Do I think it's realistic? Slightly, at best. Will I watch the whole series? Definitely. Do I recommend the series or book more? The book for reality, the series for entertainment - a lot of laughter. Although I have to admit, tears ran down my face during the first 15 minutes of the pilot, but not after that!

Keeping the Faith

When I wrote my blog the other day about what you can bring with you into prison/prison camp, I inadvertently left out one item - your bible. You are allowed to bring that with you. I do not own a bible. If I did, it would be called a Siddur (Jewish Prayer Book). Looking at the list of items you can bring into Prison, it does not list a Siddur. Jewish people account for less than 2% of all prisoners (federal or state) in the U.S. prison system. Jewish people are just 0.6% of the population in Texas. Not only Jewish people face predicaments like this - Muslims, Buddhists, Hindus, and others face similar issues of minority religions/faiths.

One way for me to connect to my faith while I am in prison, and also to ensure my health a bit, is to ask for a kosher diet. My friend, Hansom (who has been in prison) told me that Kosher diets get salami (rather than bologna) and I did not grow up eating a lot of pork. I never kept entirely Kosher, but I always kept the Jewish Holidays and was raised on a very Jewish culture including hebrew school and a bat mitzvah. If I want to have a piece of my culture in prison, setting myself up as Kosher from the beginning will establish me with those rights.

I found this Jewish prison website this morning. They are contacting FMC Carswell ahead of my arrival and ensuring that they know a Jewish prisoner wanting a kosher diet is arriving. Texas prisons rarely receive Jewish prisoners and they will likely have to order the kosher food in. The Supreme Court held that all prisoners must have a right to practice their religion in prison, including a kosher diet. I will have access to more fruits and vegetables. No spam, pork/beef bi-products (a favorite of the prison system), and my food will be cleaned according to Kosher law. It is packaged appropriately as well. During the holidays, like Passover, I will be given pre-packaged meals that provide me with Matzoh and hard boiled eggs, etc. According to Hansom, many people who are not Jewish ask for the Kosher diet as well. I guess if you can document a need or a religious belief, you can get it.

Of course, there could be issues along the way. Excuses by the prison on why they can't meet my Kosher diet. The prison chaplain(s) can help with this. They can help with any religious questions/needs you may have. Use them as a resource. I plan to. I'm keeping the faith - including my religious faith. I may not be the most religious person in the world, but I certainly believe in my higher power. I certainly believe having a Kosher diet will help me through my time at Carswell and I thank Hansom for telling me to consider this option! Considered and approved!

Trying To Fit In

As I talk with people about what life may be like on the inside, I often get the advice to keep to myself (I'm an extrovert) and just do my time. I must admit, I hate confrontation. Anyone who knows me, knows that. I used to be the most passive person you'd ever met. Not even passive-aggressive (never been aggressive), just passive. But with my five years of addiction recovery, five years of growing emotionally, I've learned to stand up for myself at times (still not confrontational) and I still, unfortunately, withdraw at signs of aggression. So, with this being the truth, I'm unsure how to really be "prepared" for the prison environment.

From what I've read, the prison camps are not full of fights or confrontation. Everyone is mostly in there for non-violent crimes. That is where I'd be if it were not for my medications. But the federal medical center is a real prison, with convicts at every security level doing time together. Some inmates may be there for life. They are bored. Even confrontation not pointed at me makes me withdraw. 

I have a male GA friend who also spent time in prison for his crimes connected to his addiction. He told me that inmates like to "test" you when you first arrive. They may take something of yours to see your reaction. They may confront you. They may try to get your story. Of course, there is a difference between men's and women's prisons.

The best advice I received and that I can give to others is to stay and appear strong - don't let someone get to you - don't show your weaknesses - make acquaintances but trust no one with your life story. Fitting in is not your goal, getting out early for good behavior is.

So, when I see confrontation, or someone confronts me, I think I'm going to go with my natural instinct and walk away, even if I appear a coward. I'd rather be a coward, than living in the Hole in isolation. As for keeping to myself, I expect to be the extrovert I am, I just don't expect to share much about myself. I'll let others tell me their crazy and fascinating stories and I'll believe about 10% of them. Like I said, trust no one and everyone is getting the same advice!!! 

Riding Around on Hope

I've mentioned before that I named my motor scooter "Hope." Hope is a word I hold onto a lot. My car I named "Zaziwae," the word 'Hope' in Nelson Mandela's native tongue. On days where it appears it will not rain, I choose to ride Hope the 6 or so mile to/from my campus each day and it is my favorite part of the day. The fresh air. The breeze. Yes, I always have my helmet on (note earlier post about the day of my passing out, no helmet would have meant head injury- thank god for helmets!). The feeling of going fast even though my 50cc bike only really goes 35 mph on a good day. Nature. Sunshine. Time to myself.

I didn't always have Hope - not just literally, but figuratively. Perhaps in the casinos I did. Hope for the next win. But not Hope for myself, Hope for my journey, Hope for others. I'm not sure I even really understood the word. Now I see myself on a journey of Hope. Not that it means I get all my Hopes and dreams, that is not at all what this means, it is about not giving up. Keeping the journey alive. A roadblock just means I need to find another way. There are many bumps in the road (a ride on my scooter Hope feels all of them) but in time, with persistence, strategy, and the ability to seek out resources and ask for help when necessary, we can get past them. To me, that is Hope. 

I talk in this blog about where I will be in one year - back at school, back at my graduate assistantship, back in this life I love. That is Hope. Truth is, we do not know our future. All we know is today. All we can do is challenge ourselves, get past the roadblocks and over the bumps each day and see what actually occurs. While Hope may not be the word you choose to hold onto, find a word, something positive that you can close your eyes and think about when times may be dark. Perhaps your thoughts will get just a little lighter.

You Can't Take It With You

That actually was the title of one of my favorite plays when I was young. Another tidbit about me. I love the theater! But in this blog, I'm not talking theater, I'm talking about what you can, and what you cannot, take with you to self surrender.

Obviously you will self-surrender by walking up to a door, fence, gate, marshal, etc. wearing clothing, shoes, etc. but such articles will be shipped off immediately. Make sure whomever is receiving your clothes knows they are coming or they may FREAK out at the box with your favorite hat and sneakers in it. 

What will you be allowed to keep?

Almost nothing. If you are legally married, you can have a wedding band with no special gems or jewels. You may be allowed to keep a basic chain with a religious charm necklace. It can't be fancy. It can't be expensive. And it is not guaranteed. They do sell some as the commissary. You may be allowed to keep a basic Casio style digital watch with a value below $100. You may read that some white cotton undergarments can get in, but I talked directly with the prison today, and at least at Carswell, all undies and bras must come from them. Perhaps some camps are more lenient. Worth a call, I suppose. I was told to bring my pill bottles with whatever is left in them - whether I am given the medication is unknown. I'm also to bring my enbryl, which I'll have to keep cold for my travel days. Bring your glasses, but make sure they are plastic frames and simple frames. Not too valuable. I suppose since mine came from SAMs Club, it's as low as you can go. That is all the physical property we can keep.

We should also bring our paperwork:

-medical records

-power of atty over healthcare

-living will

-college/high school transcripts (if u finished high school but didn't attend college)  - without transcripts, you must take GED courses

- 2 copies of our address list - 30 names, addresses, phone numbers, and email addresses - one for the prison and one to keep

- money order to put initial funds in commissary account

Back home, with someone you trust, before you self surrender, have one bag packed with 5 outfits- especially if you are planning on being out in less than a year. At the halfway house, you will be allowed 5 outfits and they will need to be sent to you once you arrive. Plan ahead. Don't forget the shoes and possible work/interview clothing.

When we know the facts

I'd be lying if I wrote that I slept well last night. I'm trying to figure out if I'm more upset by my sooner than expected surrender date or if I am using that because I am more scared of the other news, that I am officially going to FMC Carswell. I'd like to say that I hadn't researched much on Carswell, but my research on the place actually started 9 months ago. Somehow I knew, my health had recently changed for me, and if I were to get incarceration in sentencing, there was a better chance than not that I'd be headed to Carswell.

In late September, 2012, I was riding home on my motor bike - a cute 50cc pink scooter I named "Hope" and I passed out. Ten days hospitalized locally, high inflammatory markers, high white blood count, other odd blood tests, but most doctors were stumped. My oxygen levels fall. I spend 6 weeks on 24 hr oxygen and I'm only 39 years old. Three trips to the Cleveland Clinic, work locally with rheumatologists, neurologists, pulmonary, cardiology, neuro-psych, and gastroenterology, and I'm currently on 8-9 pills/day and a weekly rhumatological injection with only a working diagnosis. But I feel better most days at about 60-75%.

The prosecutor's case against me literally moved forward within days after the initial hospitalization was over. Suddenly, instead of looking at going to a prison camp, I had a medical condition that top doctors were working hard to treat and understand. 

So, I knew, of course I knew, if I were sentenced to incarceration, it would have to be to a medical facility. The only problem is that there is only one medical facility for female federal inmates in the U.S. It has some of the most negative reviews of healthcare one could imagine. Cancer that goes untreated. Women waiting months to see doctors. Body bags for women who had treatable conditions. I know I will be out soon enough to avoid these issues. Even if I am in pain, I can withstand my 10 months. I will survive anything. I just can't be there and do nothing about what I will see going on around me. At the same time, troublemakers get time added on to their sentences, time in the "hole," inability to use commissary or phone or email, and I need these things. At least I think I do. Maybe I am being sent to Carswell to make a difference. To be a voice. To add that chapter of observation to my writings. To help the women there. I don't know. At least not yet.

One thing that I will say that is unique about Carswell is that since it is the only medical center, women at all criminal levels are in one location. While I am eligible for minimum security at a camp, I can be rooming with a murderer. This is truth. The only two women on death row in the U.S. are at Carswell, although they are kept separate than the general population. Instead of a prison camp without fences, there will be two rows of fences with barbed wire. Seven men working at Carswell since 1995 have been convicted of raping inmates, including a priest. I am strong enough to go and be there. I will be ready. I will make a difference!

A date. A location. A time.

August 19th. FMC Carswell. 10am.

Earlier than I thought I would be self-surrendering. I'd hoped I could have my GA 5 year pinning on Aug. 25th. I'd been looking forward to helping move T.S. (a young woman who I love like a daughter) into her freshman dorm room in late August. I'd hoped that I would be able to attend the 5th annual women's recovery weekend that I've been hosting at my aunt's land every September. I'd hoped I could spend some time away from where I attend school, close to family and friends, and attend temple for the Jewish High Holidays. My attorney had told me she thought I'd have more time. I do not.

I will finish my summer graduate assistantship and class on Friday, August 16th. I will likely rent a car with Survivor to make a special two day journey down to Fort Worth, TX. I will eat my last bites of real beef and other delights. I will sleep in a comfortable bed on the night of August 18th. Survivor will probably tell me to stop playing with my phone, or to stop talking, or we will just stay up talking and laughing (we've been known to do that!) I will make some last phone calls on the 18th and early on the 19th. We may drive by the gate early once, just to be sure we know where we are going. I will have all my papers in order and everything I am supposed to bring. I'll have looked through them to be sure at least a dozen times. Survivor may too. I'll do my best not to cry as they drive me away from my friend to the medical center. I'm not sure how successful I'll be at that - as I'm crying right now just writing this.

Women's Federal Medical Center Carswell Prison (Fort Worth, TX)

A Stack of Board Games

I'm sitting on a couch waiting to facilitate a meeting and I'm looking at a shelf full of board games- monopoly, trivia pursuit, racking, cranium, scattergories, dominos- games that teach competition, winning at all costs, and even cheating. We play these games as kids, and we play other games as adults. Still competing to be the best, at all costs, and our cheating can become criminal activity. This is true for addicts. The next win is just around the corner, we believe it, we must believe it, otherwise our entire world would crumble. We must somehow believe we will be able to pay our bills, pay back our payday loans, feed our children. Unfortunately, at the casinos our money means nothing more than Monopoly money - I'll trade you my $100 dollar bill for the slim chance that I will get the right cards or one spin of a wheel. Insanity is defined as "doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results." Never thought my summer of '89 obsession of daily monopoly with my friends would somehow connect me years later to an addiction, crime, and prison.

I am Officially a Number

I was curious and looked myself up on the Federal Bureau of Prisons website - available here. On the left bar is "inmate locator." I entered my first and last name and I am officially listed. A week ago I was not yet listed on the website (so I guess it takes a couple weeks). I officially have my number. There are five digits a dash and then three digits. It also lists my age, race, gender, known release date (mine is unknown as of now) and my location (says "not in BOP custody" as of right now). I became curious as to if there was any logic as to the Register # given to me. So, I researched...

The first five digits are random, the three digits after the dash are based on the jurisdiction where I was booked by the U.S. Marshal (regardless of where I live or where my trial took place or where I will be serving out my sentence). There is a key to the last three digits. You can find the key here. That is the only significance to the number I was assigned with. With 8 digits, my number will not be easy to remember - no easy sequences or number repeats. However, I am likely to hear it and say it enough times that I will know it by heart for the rest of my life.

I have two choices here. I can choose to let this number be something that takes my individuality away or something I own and empowers me as a way to inspire change in myself and others. Yes, I will be a prisoner, I am a felon. I carry this weight for my lifetime. I have a prison number. It is truth. It does not change who I am or my journey.

Getting Past Our Anger

When I was first accused of embezzlement at my former employer's business I was angry. The stories that were being told about me were not the truth. Since I was never "asked questions," the people in my life put together their own realities of what they believe must have been true. In most cases, their stories do not even come close to the truth. Lawyers told me that I should not go public with my story as the proper advice to any potential criminal defendant is to stay silent, so I did. My truth never fully being able to be told.

A couple weeks ago, at my sentencing, I listened to some of my former mentors and friends speak their "personal truths" to the judge. I realized at that moment that these made up stories are the stories they must tell themselves to protect themselves. For them, it just would not make sense a woman they loved and trusted to do something this bad. If I had such a bad addiction, wouldn't they know it? But they did, they just didn't know what the signs were. Most people don't. So, in reality, these made up false stories are just as real to the people we hurt or to the court as the truth is for us. There is no way to prove absolute truth when witnesses are involved. 

Anyway, earlier today, a woman reached out to me and seemed angry about the prison time she is looking at and was telling me about her crime and the reasons for it. This was my response:

"As for the crime and punishment, I am going to propose something that may be nearly impossible to do. Acceptance. A while ago I had to realize that in order for me to move forward with my life, I had to let go of the fact that no one would ever believe or fully understand my Truth versus the story the prosecutor was telling. I was found guilty of 30% truth and 70% made up stories that people thought were true. But since 30% was true, it really didn't matter that the rest was false. For me, I needed money and I had my employers debit card - enough said. It really does not matter why I thought it was legitimate to withdraw the money because the act itself was illegal. If you can come to acceptance about your "act" being illegal regardless of the reasons behind why you did it, the peace will help you get through this. Carrying the anger can't be helping you as you face something as scary as we are."

Sometimes, I am able to see the growth my recovery program has given me. Acceptance is certainly one of them.

Legal documents can actually be good...

I know, by now the site of anything legal is scary. We have had to read our indictments, victim impact statements, sentencing recommendations, court motions, even our support letters that likely made us all weep are not easy to read. But we cannot hide from all aspects of the law. Right now, although I am not licensed to practice law in any state in the U.S. (and likely never will be again), any person with a legal background will encourage you to do the following. 

I must admit my own personal failures in this regard... each of the things I am going to encourage I have drafted dozens of times for others, yet I have failed to do so for myself. I promise here, though, within the next couple weeks, I will complete the forms that are relevant to me. We all must. While we are inside, life on the outside continues, and we must ensure we are protecting ourselves and those we love.

Legal documents to write/update:

-will (even if you are not going in for a long time or have no heirs, if you want any item going to someone special, it must be written or else probate court must follow probate laws)

- power of attorney for healthcare: who do you trust making healthcare decisions for you. Draft the form (usually a free form available at any health agency or online) and give a copy to listed individuals.

- power of attorney for finances - you can choose how much or how little the poa can do, but someone must be able to call, pay, deposit, file taxes, sell assets, negotiate, etc on your behalf and they must have a notarized copy of the form.

- child guardianship (if you have children, even if they have a second parent, consider drafting papers giving another party the power to make healthcare decisions, pick the children up from school, etc in order to help. Do not leave children with anyone, even grandparents without guardianship papers)

- bankruptcy/consumer credit counseling okay, let's hope you have a way to ensure you will be able to maintain your bill payments while away. If you can't, don't leave all the financial stress to your spouse after you are gone.

- divorce/legal separation- I hope you will not need this. Any partnership should have a real discussion about what their expectations are and try to work things through prior to going away.

I hope this list is a good start. There are certainly others depending on your marital status, level of wealth, etc. You may want to look into a trust or insurance. Just do not forget to explore all your non criminal legal resources. You will be glad you did. I will too... I just need to write them!!

Finding Community

When I walked into the gambler's anonymous program in June, 2008, I could not imagine I would have anything in common with anyone in the rooms. They all appeared to be older than me, mostly male, and I couldn't imagine they did damage to their lives even close to what I had done to mine. I couldn't have been more wrong. If we let ourselves get to know others, we realize that we all have far more in common than our differences.

The same is true for the prison community. I am not there yet, but I have met people in GA who have spent time in prison because a gambling addiction (like drugs and alcohol) often brings us to the desperation of crime (something we would never do if we were not in the throes of addiction). These people are my friends and some of the people I admire most in my GA program. They are doing well today, prison did not break them, they are able to move forward, work, have love in their lives, and stand tall (well the last part will be difficult for me at just 5' tall).

I recently decided to start joining the prison community in advance of my self-surrender. It is a place to ask questions, gain support, and not feel so alone on this path. Don't think of yourself as different or unique than everyone else in prison. They all just committed a crime or at least were found guilty of one, and are doing their time, and want to stand tall on the outside one day. Introduce yourself (whether a person going in or a supporter of someone going in) at www.prisontalk.com.

Bills

My income is limited. I do not have a large savings. I am not Martha Stewart. I have no financial advisor who will "manage" my butt loads of money while I am in prison. I live on a budget. Sometimes I use credit cards. When the semester starts and I receive my funding, my card balances are low, as the year moves on, they get higher. I pay my bills on time. I get approved for my vehicle lease. My credit is not perfect (14 years of damage done from compulsive gambling) but it has slowly improved and one day I may have even been approved for a home. Not anymore, with my restitution, but that's okay.

What really bothers me is that I look at my monthly budget, my bills, what I can save before I leave in as little as 6-8 weeks, and I do not know how I will be able to cover everything without any real income for 10 months. Inmates with spouses or who are wealthy perhaps have options, but those like me (and likely you) do not have many. I am trying to avoid the need for bankruptcy and I know that I must be proactive before going inside if I have any chance to avoid it. Reading online, most sites say that we need to make sure we have someone paying our bills- but that assumes $$ exists. Other sites say that anyone low income that goes in for 4-6 months or longer will inevitably have a bankruptcy. I'd like to prove that wrong.

Another odd factor is that the judge actually put on my judgement that I am required to have credit counseling (because she is freaked out by my educational loans that she didn't understand). That rule, however, does not come into place until my supervision starts after incarceration.

So, today after paying all my bills for the month, I decided to break down each of them into categories. Things I absolutely want to keep paying on time, things I'd like to keep paying, and things I can call and see if they will hold the account/close the account/ or just not pay. I do not have a choice. I simply do not have enough money to pay everything with no income. Once I started that process, though, I hated it. So, I decided to make a non committal call. I called one of the nonprofit consumer counseling services. I'm not sure the counselor was ready for my call, "I have fine credit but I'm going to prison and I want to avoid a bankruptcy and I also want to keep some credit outside consolidation... I just want to see if this will save me money ..."

Two hours on the phone and we are not at the answer yet. They will call me back Monday. I guess the thing about this is that I don't know yet what I will do about paying everything, and I'm going to run every option by my Coach Survivor, but I need to be proactive, figure out all my options, and give myself time to figure it all out. Otherwise, I will just be a statistic, another ex-con needing a bankruptcy and then I will be allowing this prison sentence hurt me financially for seven years beyond everything else. Be proactive!

Prison to Professor

He did it and so can I!

"Wiley College professor's journey from prison to Ph.D

By Tracy Clemons – bio|e-mail

MARSHALL, TX (KSLA)- A professor at Wiley College, in east Texas, is living out what some would think they'd only see in a movie. Dr. Tracy Andrus has gone from prison, to a Ph.D, to heading up the Criminal Justice department at the small college. 

"My business got in trouble. I went over to some banks. I got money out of the account that I did not have. They call that check kiting. I was arrested and eventually I was sentenced to 57 years in prison," Andrus says. 

He only served three of those years. Part of that time was in a halfway house in Alexandria. He settled down in the city, and took classes at Louisiana College. Andrus completed his bachelors degree in 2000. 

"I was very excited about it, and God had really blessed me a whole lot, so I said I wanna get my masters degree," he says.

He finished his masters in Criminal Justice at the University of Louisiana-Monroe in one year. Andrus tells KSLA News 12 that he'll never forget the day he was accepted into the Ph.D program at Prairie View A&M. 

"You'll never know how that really made me feel, knowing that now I have an opportunity to earn a PhD, when only a few years prior to that, I was actually doing time in prison." 

Dr. Andrus says he was the first African American to earn a doctorate in Juvenile Justice.

We spoke with a few students in his department, and they all say his story is nothing short of amazing.

"His story is just profound, how we can overcome adversity and still make it," says sophomore Jazmine Jackson.

Wiley senior Nathan Evans says it's inspirational: "By me looking at a man like that, he really inspired me to show me that I can be somebody. No matter where you come from, no matter what background, you can be somebody." 

Andrus attributes his change completely to God-"I know that God was working in my stead from the day I went into the penitentiary."

He tells us he got closer to God while he was in prison. Today he speaks from the experience he believes God allowed him to endure. 

"You may have been to jail. You may be in jail right now, but I just want folks to know that if you have the will, and you put God in front of you, there's nothing that you cannot do if you have the passion to do it." "

A Website of Interest

I found a website that may be of interest to some. It is by a woman in a similar predicament but focuses more on the inside than preparation. Please follow this link to "prison woman talks."

I found reading her updates very interesting for a number of reasons:

1) She somehow gets access to the Internet on a weekly basis while in prison camp

2) She has interesting insights on what she thought things would be like versus what she was observing

3) She is taking her first college courses while in prison through a partnership with a community college (although she does comment that she would like to earn a PhD in her 19 months on the inside)

4) She has an interesting take on why some people visit and others don't.

5) I really liked her piece on "mail call" 

Making the Most of Our Time

I just received an email inviting me to interview for a one week teaching job on my campus. I applied for this position before I knew my sentence, before I knew I would have to be leave this place I love in late August to await my self-surrender. The teaching gig is a week prior to the time I am leaving where I currently live. I can earn a couple hundred dollars doing what I love on top of my usual graduate assistantship, and it will keep me busy. So, I said "yes" to the interview. If I am selected to work for the week, it will be another wonderful opportunity I can add to my CV (an educator's resume) and luckily things are put down by year, not month. My CV will, hopefully, not have a hole in it because I have 2013 entries and when I am out in time for Fall, 2014, it will have 2014 entries. 

It is important for you to know that you do not have to put months on your resumes. You also do not have to put everything you have ever done down. A resume is a marketing piece. Never lie on your resume, but you do not have to put down every short term job, prison position, etc. Make sure you have someone who understands human resources, resume writing, etc. look at your resume before you go looking for jobs after you have been on the inside. Remember it is a marketing tool of yourself and nothing more. Make the most of your time before you go in, while you are inside, and after. I'll post later about finding jobs after doing time in prison. Doing time does not mean you need to spend your life in the poor house. I truly believe that.

Piper Kerman

I am going to be known in prison as a number. Most likely I will remember this number for the rest of my life. Every prisoner gets a number and that is how we are known and called by. When I heard Piper Kerman talk about her experience in the Danbury women's prison, (http://www.prx.org/pieces/87687-the-moth-radio-hour-1304-air-window-1-22-13-1), it felt a little too close to stories of other places where the goal is for individuals to lose identity and just become "one of" and unimportant. I promise to not allow this to happen to me.

It appears that Piper made sure it did not happen to her either. She used the experience to write a humorous and insightful memoir called, "Orange is the new black." I already have it on order from Amazon and will receive the book in a couple days. I hope to read her book before starting to watch the dramatization of it on Netflix. Netflix ordered the book into a series which happens to start on July 11, 2013 (just days from when I am keeping this blog). In one of the coming attractions for the new series, another inmate asks Piper something about her background, and Piper remarks back, "I thought you weren't supposed to ask questions. That's what the books said," and the other inmate makes a face and comments, "you researched for prison??" And I knew that I could be Piper in that exact situation. I am a researcher by trade and my counselor pointed out to me just today that due to my childhood and survival instincts, it is not a surprise that I want to know as much as I can about what I will need to prepare myself for.

I plan to watch the entire first season of the new Netflix series before leaving for whatever place I am going. As I read Piper's book, I may make some comments. At the very least, I will let you know if I recommend it!