For just one hour this morning, I almost felt normal - like I was not sitting in prison. It was my first haircut since I arrived. Carswell has a cosmetology school as part of it's educational offerings. The classes are always filled. The women in the classes start cutting real hair (not just mannequins) after about 6 weeks of learning every weekday. The school offers free haircuts and other hair services (braiding, highlights, color, twists, deep conditioning, etc.) for free to inmates. We have to buy our own products in advance. We must bring our own shampoo/conditioner. If we want color, we must purchase it at the Commissary and then have them pick it up (we can't bring it back to our units). That way our color is on hold in Cosmetology until our next day. The way it works here, is that once you are on the list, you are called in for an appointment every 3 weeks or so. Today was my first appointment, my next is October 31st. We can have only one thing done each appointment. Today, I had a haircut. Next time, I am going to do highlights.
The cosmetology school is right down the hall from where I work, but I'd never been down that hall. Once you enter, it is like a little bit of normalcy. There are chairs for waiting clients, shelves filled with different magazines, and even music in the background (I heard some Journey, John Mayer, and Pink!). We are brought into the salon area, once our name is called, and it looks just like any salon - well, any salon at any cosmo school. There were a lot of hair stations for the students and graduates to work from. There is a line of hair washing stations, just like at home. They put a cape over your clothes and towel around your neck. Everything is done correctly.
I decided to finally get my hair done because it was growing out in every direction. Just before my sentencing, Survivor and Faith talked me into getting my hair cut (yes, my hair was not so good then either). It was cut fairly short and in layers. I hate layers. I want my hair about shoulder length, now, but the layers are a nightmare - especially since my hair seems to want to be very wavy in Texas! So, my hair was cut to the hair line in a nice sort of bob. My bangs are still growing out, as well as some side layers. It sits better, though.
When cutting my hair shorter, I was actually conscious about how short I was wanting to go, for I did not want to be seen as a "boi" when it was complete (boyish hairstyles usually indicate the inmate wants to be "boi" - whether or not they are homosexual). I have looked like a boy much of my adult life and I don't care about it on the outside. However, in prison, if I want people to pretty much leave me alone, I don't want to stand out. Boi's, here, are usually sought after for relationships. I've made it clear that I am not interested in a "prison romance." Not only is it against the rules, but the sneaking around, making out in bathrooms, and other things are totally "junior high." I choose relationships that are mature, healthy, and leave me without any guilt. These could not exist within a prison environment. My friendships are enough for me.
An inmate just tapped my shoulder. They are from the same state as me and we root for different college football teams from our state. We enjoy watching Saturday Football and giving each other sh*t for their teams' behavior. Good, innocent, fun! It's nice to still have a little bit of normalcy with college football Saturdays!!
So football and haircuts... one is quite feminine, the other not so much... but they both give me moments of the finer things in life and are welcome distractions in a place such as this.
Thursday, October 10, 2013
From Dragonfly: Nothing is Permanent in Prison
The reality of living in prison, is to know that things change all the time. One minute, you are getting used to your roommate, the next they are moved. You may love something they sell in commissary, but they choose to stop selling it. You may make a good friend, but then they are sent to halfway house. You may get used to having a microwave, only to have it taken away from the unit for days at a time. You may enjoy watching a specific tv show, only to find out that you can't watch it. You may want to play softball, only to be told that you were kicked off your team. You may be expecting roast beef, and be served pork roast instead. Everything changes and nothing is permanent. The goal, don't get too comfortable, ever.
Today, a major change is occurring that affects me. Freckles was officially accepted into the RDAP program (residential drug and alcohol program). She is being moved out of my unit and also will not be able to tutor anymore in Education. RDAP is a very intensive 9 month program. The incredible news for her, is that once she completes the program, they will let her out 9 months early... so she will be able to go to halfway house/home confinement in October, rather than summer, 2015. Of course, for her, that is wonderful!!!!
I will miss my daily chats with Freckles. She, too, is from the Midwest and we enjoyed watching Saturday college football together. We also did our breakfasts together. She is someone I have found that I can trust in here.
Soon, South and Danbury will also be moving on. South is probably going to go to home confinement within a couple months. Danbury is officially released in December. I've made other "friends." There is Star (a young, pregnant woman), Army (my roommate), Ark (Army's best friend), and many more. But, since I have been here, Freckles, South and Danbury have been my closest confidants. All will be heading to greener pastures, I hope.
The crazy thing is that once we are each released from prison, we cannot communicate legally - not until we are off supervised release (for me, 3 years). So, keeping in touch and knowing how one another are doing is a little tricky - and I certainly do not intend to get in trouble while on Supervision. However, there are some good people in prison. People who are genuine, scared, kind, honest, and good. Even among the chaos that exists, friendship can and does occur.
Good luck to Freckles! I will see her in passing and, perhaps, on the play field. But, I will miss our being able to support one another through this crazy experience. I know her spouse is happy that she will be going home earlier. I am as well.
Today, a major change is occurring that affects me. Freckles was officially accepted into the RDAP program (residential drug and alcohol program). She is being moved out of my unit and also will not be able to tutor anymore in Education. RDAP is a very intensive 9 month program. The incredible news for her, is that once she completes the program, they will let her out 9 months early... so she will be able to go to halfway house/home confinement in October, rather than summer, 2015. Of course, for her, that is wonderful!!!!
I will miss my daily chats with Freckles. She, too, is from the Midwest and we enjoyed watching Saturday college football together. We also did our breakfasts together. She is someone I have found that I can trust in here.
Soon, South and Danbury will also be moving on. South is probably going to go to home confinement within a couple months. Danbury is officially released in December. I've made other "friends." There is Star (a young, pregnant woman), Army (my roommate), Ark (Army's best friend), and many more. But, since I have been here, Freckles, South and Danbury have been my closest confidants. All will be heading to greener pastures, I hope.
The crazy thing is that once we are each released from prison, we cannot communicate legally - not until we are off supervised release (for me, 3 years). So, keeping in touch and knowing how one another are doing is a little tricky - and I certainly do not intend to get in trouble while on Supervision. However, there are some good people in prison. People who are genuine, scared, kind, honest, and good. Even among the chaos that exists, friendship can and does occur.
Good luck to Freckles! I will see her in passing and, perhaps, on the play field. But, I will miss our being able to support one another through this crazy experience. I know her spouse is happy that she will be going home earlier. I am as well.
Tuesday, October 8, 2013
From Dragonfly: Food Creativity
I've talked a lot about creativity in prison, but I have not talked much about the food creativity. This is where commissary and other means to get food comes in. There are plenty of edible meals in the chow hall, but every so often, there is a meal you just don't want/like. Or, you are not feeling up to the walk and long wait. Or, you just need something a little different. Or, like many people, you've been here long enough to prefer your own creations to the kitchen staff's creations. Whatever, the reason, there are choices - as long as you can afford them.
The number one way people get their food for use in their unit is through their commissary purchases. As I've mentioned before, there are many different kinds of items available - for a slightly higher price than we would pay on the outside. Categories of food available include: rice, tortillas, cheese, spices, condiments, coffee, ramen soups, cookies, crackers, pudding, ice cream, candy, chips, packaged meat/soy products, and more! From these purchases, people can make roll-ups, potato logs, cheese cake, tacos, chicken and rice, and much, much more!
There are additional ways (legitimate and not) that people "somehow" get foods. One way is what they can get from their meals in the chow hall. We are allowed to remove any whole piece of fruit and/or dessert with us for later consumption. These tend to be apples or oranges. Dessert is just on Wednesdays and is usually either a home-made cookie or packaged pudding. Some people sneak other parts of their meals out (baked potato, bread, sliced cheese, sugar, butter, and much more). How they sneak it out and where they put it on their body is always a mystery to me! The most illegitimate way inmates get food is through the kitchen. I do not ask questions and know nothing about how people get their additional items from the kitchen (brown sugar, blocks of butter, tomatoes, onions, etc.). All I know is that people have stuff and you never ask how they got it or where they got it from. With these additional items, apple pie, caramel, potato soup, and thinks that smell very yummy are also prepared for meals in the unit.
The next challenge is how inmates cook their meals. In most units, inmates have whatever Tupperware they may have purchased from commissary (or from another inmate), and a hot water spout. The prison got rid of any food they believe required microwaves. I live in the only unit with a microwave - there is one little microwave for 264 women! In units without a microwave, inmates use wax paper (not sure where they get that!) and IRON their food! How else would you melt your cheese??? An additional way food is cooked is through their large thermoses. They fill the thermos with hot, hot water and then put whatever needs to be cooked in a plastic bag in the thermos. This can heat meat, cheese, pizza sauce, etc.
With all these limitations, I still see the most amazing meals being prepared. Pizza is made on Goya crackers or tortillas, with pepperoni and three kinds of cheeses (none of which require refrigeration). Cheesy rice and taco meat rolled into tortillas is wonderful. Baked potato, cheese soup was last night's new adventure in cooking. Cheese cakes made with fruit or just plain vanilla or chocolate are prepared in multiple sizes. Popcorn balls, made with melted marshmallows are the bomb! There's also honey buns with melted chocolate and Graham cracker crumbs, smores, or granola toffee bars that can be made. Noodles (made from the ramen) with beef, chicken, or even seafood is possible! The possibilities are endless!!!
Last night, a fellow Tutor made crepes... a flour tortilla with butter marshmallows, and cinnamon, then another tortilla on top - ironed to perfect crunchy harmony. In my unit, we can prepare this in our microwave, although, we waited over 2 hours to make our dinner last Thursday.
This week is Danbury's birthday. We are trying to plan a special meal, plus dessert for her. Commissary was out of most of the items we needed to purchase, when I was allowed to shop yesterday. South will try to get them on her shopping day - Thursday. If not, we will, undoubtedly, still come up with a fabulous, celebratory meal! It's just a little different how we go about doing it in prison!
The number one way people get their food for use in their unit is through their commissary purchases. As I've mentioned before, there are many different kinds of items available - for a slightly higher price than we would pay on the outside. Categories of food available include: rice, tortillas, cheese, spices, condiments, coffee, ramen soups, cookies, crackers, pudding, ice cream, candy, chips, packaged meat/soy products, and more! From these purchases, people can make roll-ups, potato logs, cheese cake, tacos, chicken and rice, and much, much more!
There are additional ways (legitimate and not) that people "somehow" get foods. One way is what they can get from their meals in the chow hall. We are allowed to remove any whole piece of fruit and/or dessert with us for later consumption. These tend to be apples or oranges. Dessert is just on Wednesdays and is usually either a home-made cookie or packaged pudding. Some people sneak other parts of their meals out (baked potato, bread, sliced cheese, sugar, butter, and much more). How they sneak it out and where they put it on their body is always a mystery to me! The most illegitimate way inmates get food is through the kitchen. I do not ask questions and know nothing about how people get their additional items from the kitchen (brown sugar, blocks of butter, tomatoes, onions, etc.). All I know is that people have stuff and you never ask how they got it or where they got it from. With these additional items, apple pie, caramel, potato soup, and thinks that smell very yummy are also prepared for meals in the unit.
The next challenge is how inmates cook their meals. In most units, inmates have whatever Tupperware they may have purchased from commissary (or from another inmate), and a hot water spout. The prison got rid of any food they believe required microwaves. I live in the only unit with a microwave - there is one little microwave for 264 women! In units without a microwave, inmates use wax paper (not sure where they get that!) and IRON their food! How else would you melt your cheese??? An additional way food is cooked is through their large thermoses. They fill the thermos with hot, hot water and then put whatever needs to be cooked in a plastic bag in the thermos. This can heat meat, cheese, pizza sauce, etc.
With all these limitations, I still see the most amazing meals being prepared. Pizza is made on Goya crackers or tortillas, with pepperoni and three kinds of cheeses (none of which require refrigeration). Cheesy rice and taco meat rolled into tortillas is wonderful. Baked potato, cheese soup was last night's new adventure in cooking. Cheese cakes made with fruit or just plain vanilla or chocolate are prepared in multiple sizes. Popcorn balls, made with melted marshmallows are the bomb! There's also honey buns with melted chocolate and Graham cracker crumbs, smores, or granola toffee bars that can be made. Noodles (made from the ramen) with beef, chicken, or even seafood is possible! The possibilities are endless!!!
Last night, a fellow Tutor made crepes... a flour tortilla with butter marshmallows, and cinnamon, then another tortilla on top - ironed to perfect crunchy harmony. In my unit, we can prepare this in our microwave, although, we waited over 2 hours to make our dinner last Thursday.
This week is Danbury's birthday. We are trying to plan a special meal, plus dessert for her. Commissary was out of most of the items we needed to purchase, when I was allowed to shop yesterday. South will try to get them on her shopping day - Thursday. If not, we will, undoubtedly, still come up with a fabulous, celebratory meal! It's just a little different how we go about doing it in prison!
From Dragonfly: ...and a Wake Up
There's a saying here in prison. It goes, "____ days and a wake up." Some will say, "100 days and a wake up." Others may be a little giddy and say, "One day and a wake up." What does it mean? It means that in that many days (plus one night's sleep), they are being released. For example, today a very nice woman is headed home. She is a professional marketer and, also, is going to start her own non-profit related to women prisoners. Yesterday, I saw her in the tv room and said, "all you have now is a wake-up." She was all smiles! I wished her well this morning and hope that she can find serenity by finally walking outside the gates of this prison!
I do not count my days yet. I do not know how many more "wake ups" I will have. It is more than I've been here, so it is not soon enough. Plus, I don't know yet if I can get my care level decreased. The 4-5 month difference in when I can leave Carswell is substantial to my number of "wake ups."
At least my wake "wake ups" are comfortable now. Yesterday, my new crocheted blanket was completed. It is aryn (off white) and cafe (brown) and done in a waffle type stitch (can't remember the exact name of the stitch). It is soft, warm, and only MINE! My other blankets have been owned by countless women before me. My pillow has been slept on by many, many heads. I try not to think about it, as it would make me nervous (this is a medical facility... we have no idea the illnesses of the people around us or before us).
I, also, finally was listened to on my pillow issue (being allergic to feathers). I was given a plastic "hypo-allergenic" pillow cover that zippers. I put it on my pillow and my pillow case (stained before I even received it) on top. The pillow cover, at least, was brand new in package. It is kind of like having a hospital pillow, as the plastic case crunches with movement. At least the feathers are not against my face anymore.
All this does not help me get very many zzzzzzz's. There is never time of full quiet on the unit. With open doorways, we can even hear snoring from 5 rooms over. Also, people talk, and talk, and talk. The ice machine bangs, turns off, turns on, releases ice, etc. Plus there is never darkness. There are lights on every night. The C.O. decides which "safety" lights he wants to keep on. It appears that every C.O. has their own choices. None leave the room dark. Plus, there is a huge pole with 6 lights on it that shines in my window. If I wanted to, I wouldn't even need my book light to read. Freckles made a very creative eye mask. I may soon follow suit.
It seems my best sleep is when I can get a nap in. Nearly every day, I fall asleep at some point when we are preparing for count. I don't sleep long, but my roommates are always waking me to stand up. Somehow, I don't hear the C.O.'s yelling, "Stand Up Count!" This must be a very deep sleep!
I am awake every morning before 6 am. My friends would know that it is a very different schedule than I used to keep. Mornings are hard, but I get myself up, showered, dressed and by the time Freckles and I walk to breakfast, I am mostly coherent. By now, 7:15am, I am thinking and ready... it's time to go to work!
I do not count my days yet. I do not know how many more "wake ups" I will have. It is more than I've been here, so it is not soon enough. Plus, I don't know yet if I can get my care level decreased. The 4-5 month difference in when I can leave Carswell is substantial to my number of "wake ups."
At least my wake "wake ups" are comfortable now. Yesterday, my new crocheted blanket was completed. It is aryn (off white) and cafe (brown) and done in a waffle type stitch (can't remember the exact name of the stitch). It is soft, warm, and only MINE! My other blankets have been owned by countless women before me. My pillow has been slept on by many, many heads. I try not to think about it, as it would make me nervous (this is a medical facility... we have no idea the illnesses of the people around us or before us).
I, also, finally was listened to on my pillow issue (being allergic to feathers). I was given a plastic "hypo-allergenic" pillow cover that zippers. I put it on my pillow and my pillow case (stained before I even received it) on top. The pillow cover, at least, was brand new in package. It is kind of like having a hospital pillow, as the plastic case crunches with movement. At least the feathers are not against my face anymore.
All this does not help me get very many zzzzzzz's. There is never time of full quiet on the unit. With open doorways, we can even hear snoring from 5 rooms over. Also, people talk, and talk, and talk. The ice machine bangs, turns off, turns on, releases ice, etc. Plus there is never darkness. There are lights on every night. The C.O. decides which "safety" lights he wants to keep on. It appears that every C.O. has their own choices. None leave the room dark. Plus, there is a huge pole with 6 lights on it that shines in my window. If I wanted to, I wouldn't even need my book light to read. Freckles made a very creative eye mask. I may soon follow suit.
It seems my best sleep is when I can get a nap in. Nearly every day, I fall asleep at some point when we are preparing for count. I don't sleep long, but my roommates are always waking me to stand up. Somehow, I don't hear the C.O.'s yelling, "Stand Up Count!" This must be a very deep sleep!
I am awake every morning before 6 am. My friends would know that it is a very different schedule than I used to keep. Mornings are hard, but I get myself up, showered, dressed and by the time Freckles and I walk to breakfast, I am mostly coherent. By now, 7:15am, I am thinking and ready... it's time to go to work!
Sunday, October 6, 2013
From Dragonfly: Letter On My Behalf
I just finished typing the letter I wrote to respond to the accusations against me by my university. I am still slightly in denial that it has come to this. I started on the typewriters, but all my errors made the letter look like it was being typed by a 5 year old - I am a computer nerd - not a typewriter one! So, I retyped it using the email system and printed it out so that I can send it. Unfortunately, the printer shows a header and also causes black lines down the side of the page (making it look like a photo copy), so, I took correction tape to white out the side lines and the header. After using the copy machine ($0.50/sheet), I was able to make the letter look professional. Many, many steps to make something we take for granted on the outside, possible. I even had to type it as two separate emails because of the character limits and then retype part of it when it printed alone on a page mid-letter. But I took my time with it and it is complete. It is just over 4 pages printed (single-spaced). This IS my life we are talking about. Part of me thinks I am saying too much and part feels that I am not saying enough. I believe it doesn't really matter. If they want me gone, they will see to it that my admission is revoked. It would break my heart!
One of my students saw me typing and said, "Oh, you know how to type!" and then proceeded to ask me to help her on the typewriters... Ummmm, we'll see how that goes!!! I guess some skill is better than none and many use the typewriters for official legal forms (very important)! I don't see why they can't provide some of the computers (that are sitting mostly unused in Education) with Microsoft word on them for people to get typing done, but we are in the dark ages. That is why we must be creative by using our email. Here, it is all about creativity with everything.
There is a huge line, so I am going to make this one short. I'm doing alright. The changing weather isn't great on my joints, but I'm surviving. Thank god I have this outlet!!
One of my students saw me typing and said, "Oh, you know how to type!" and then proceeded to ask me to help her on the typewriters... Ummmm, we'll see how that goes!!! I guess some skill is better than none and many use the typewriters for official legal forms (very important)! I don't see why they can't provide some of the computers (that are sitting mostly unused in Education) with Microsoft word on them for people to get typing done, but we are in the dark ages. That is why we must be creative by using our email. Here, it is all about creativity with everything.
There is a huge line, so I am going to make this one short. I'm doing alright. The changing weather isn't great on my joints, but I'm surviving. Thank god I have this outlet!!
Saturday, October 5, 2013
From Dragonfly: Creativity
I am smiling. A real smile! I just got notice that the funds to pay for my SPO purchases are being held against my account. This may sound bad, but SPO is what we call our craft supplies!!! I ordered items to make my own cards. I'm really excited to know that it went through. I get really bored just writing on lined paper. With these supplies, I can be more creative and have some "me" time making fun cards. I guess I should warn all my friends that I will be sending them really cheesy cards - as I am not all that creative - but I will try!!!
Creativity, here, is amazing. There is one woman who paints reading glasses for folks in our unit. The reading glasses they buy here are black. She uses her paints to put fun designs on the frames - they are super cute and creative. Another inmate is nearly done creating a beautiful blanket. Her crochet skills are incredible and the blanket could probably sell for a lot of money on the outside. Some inmates made cards for people. If I do, I will not charge, as that is against the rules here, however, the other inmates do. How we pay for these items is through commissary purchases that they request. Once again, it is against the rules, and the consequences can be severe, but for some people, it is their only way to purchase their needs. There are women who cut hair, women who do braids, women who make teddy bears, women who decorate mp3 players, women who decorate rooms for birthdays, women who create large drawings, women who make crochet animals, women who do needlepoint, women who make meals/desserts, etc. For a price, someone in every unit will create what it is you want. Sometimes the price is very high. Sometimes, it is shockingly low. I'm always impressed seeing how much work goes into each project - they are not earning a good hourly wage, but, then again, we are in prison.
I'm glad I will soon have my supplies, in order to enjoy time being creative. I love my work, but there is a lot of stress that comes with the job as well. The head teacher continues to degrade me in front of my students. My students always look at me and cannot fathom why she has a stick up her butt about me, but she does. I have never even had a real conversation with her. When I tried, she was short with me and walked away. I guess being an inmate puts me on the bottom of the mud pit... but she will allow me to teach the students. Makes no sense. My students are doing great! Yesterday, they all turned in two well-written paragraphs. Such growth in one week! The head teacher wants them to be writing 5 paragraph essays already, but they are still learning transitions, proper punctuation, and structure. Plus, Ms. W., the teacher who has been working in my room, is not going to be there for very long. A new teacher, or Ms. N., will be in her place. A new teacher means that anything we do curriculum-wise will need to be redone when they come. The students are seeking to have some consistency - they have been through 3 former tutors and now 2 teachers. They just need someone who gets to know them, their strengths and weaknesses, to stay. But, I reminded myself just a bit ago, I am NOT here to teach GED students. I am here to do my time and go home. I need not care as much as I do. I may not be able to help it, but I need to distance myself. It is a very rewarding job, but I am still just an inmate.
That is why the ability to be creative is so important for me. I can care about what I do. Also, I've slowed down majorly in writing people. I just don't have anything new to share. Every day here is about the same, except for the gossip (called "inmate.com," even though it has nothing to do with computers). No one needs to hear about a bunch of prison gossip. So often, we learn it is not true anyway. So, making cards will be a positive outlet - lie to me and tell me that you love my cards!
Creativity, here, is amazing. There is one woman who paints reading glasses for folks in our unit. The reading glasses they buy here are black. She uses her paints to put fun designs on the frames - they are super cute and creative. Another inmate is nearly done creating a beautiful blanket. Her crochet skills are incredible and the blanket could probably sell for a lot of money on the outside. Some inmates made cards for people. If I do, I will not charge, as that is against the rules here, however, the other inmates do. How we pay for these items is through commissary purchases that they request. Once again, it is against the rules, and the consequences can be severe, but for some people, it is their only way to purchase their needs. There are women who cut hair, women who do braids, women who make teddy bears, women who decorate mp3 players, women who decorate rooms for birthdays, women who create large drawings, women who make crochet animals, women who do needlepoint, women who make meals/desserts, etc. For a price, someone in every unit will create what it is you want. Sometimes the price is very high. Sometimes, it is shockingly low. I'm always impressed seeing how much work goes into each project - they are not earning a good hourly wage, but, then again, we are in prison.
I'm glad I will soon have my supplies, in order to enjoy time being creative. I love my work, but there is a lot of stress that comes with the job as well. The head teacher continues to degrade me in front of my students. My students always look at me and cannot fathom why she has a stick up her butt about me, but she does. I have never even had a real conversation with her. When I tried, she was short with me and walked away. I guess being an inmate puts me on the bottom of the mud pit... but she will allow me to teach the students. Makes no sense. My students are doing great! Yesterday, they all turned in two well-written paragraphs. Such growth in one week! The head teacher wants them to be writing 5 paragraph essays already, but they are still learning transitions, proper punctuation, and structure. Plus, Ms. W., the teacher who has been working in my room, is not going to be there for very long. A new teacher, or Ms. N., will be in her place. A new teacher means that anything we do curriculum-wise will need to be redone when they come. The students are seeking to have some consistency - they have been through 3 former tutors and now 2 teachers. They just need someone who gets to know them, their strengths and weaknesses, to stay. But, I reminded myself just a bit ago, I am NOT here to teach GED students. I am here to do my time and go home. I need not care as much as I do. I may not be able to help it, but I need to distance myself. It is a very rewarding job, but I am still just an inmate.
That is why the ability to be creative is so important for me. I can care about what I do. Also, I've slowed down majorly in writing people. I just don't have anything new to share. Every day here is about the same, except for the gossip (called "inmate.com," even though it has nothing to do with computers). No one needs to hear about a bunch of prison gossip. So often, we learn it is not true anyway. So, making cards will be a positive outlet - lie to me and tell me that you love my cards!
Thursday, October 3, 2013
From Dragonfly: Cinderblock Walls
Every morning I wake up and face a cinder block wall. Due to the size of the rooms, each bunk bed is up against a side wall. I usually wake facing that wall. It represents so many things to me. I, often, reach out and touch the wall. It is very sturdy and white. I want to push it down, but of course I can't. I just don't want to be behind these walls anymore. I spend my time in recovery breaking down my personal walls, and now I literally have necessary walls that keep me in. Emotions are bad in prison. Having personal walls is good.
I, also, have walls to ensure that no one can access my private information. I keep all my stuff in a locked locker. I keep my thoughts in my mind. I keep my friends at a distance (those inside and outside of prison). It is impossible to fully explain what it is like here day in and day out. This place encourages an unhealthy way of life in every way.
I have a friend who received bad news lately. Her answer to this news... "I want to go smoke." Somehow, she has access to cigarettes and a place where she will not get caught smoking. The punishment for getting caught is time in the SHU, loss of email, loss of phone, and loss of other privileges. It doesn't matter. She just wants to "escape" her reality here for a nice long drag on a cigarette. Another inmate, overdosed on pills she bought on the underground market here. Anyone who wants to get "high," finds a way to do it. The walls here are not big enough to block the conduct of people who are desperate.
I can't say that I am really that different from myself outside these walls. I was always trying to follow the rules. I was a teacher's pet as a kid. This will surprise none of my friends. I always tried to avoid anything that could bring punishment. I guess I was punishing myself enough with self-destructive thoughts and behavior. There are some others here who appear to be a lot like me. We have never been in a physical fight (although, I realize I did fight back as a child against my sister once in a while). We have never been in trouble in school or work (except for the disastrous crimes that brought us on this side of the walls). The thing is that, most of us, never intended to hurt others or cause havoc. We got stuck, somehow, in our lives, our trust in others, or addictions. Our crimes are a result of that behavior - not the desire to cause havoc or break the law.
This morning, I was talking with Freckles about the women, here, who spends a ton of time and money on makeup. While I am behind these walls, I really care not about what I look like. There is no one to impress. I'm more comfortable just being "me." Freckles pointed out, correctly, that putting on the makeup may help these women feel just a little more normal, than we are able to feel while incarcerated. If they would do their hair and make-up every morning at home, being able to do it here gives them just a bit of normalcy, and perhaps control. I indicated that many of them are also trying to impress other women here. She agreed. However, it is important to try and keep a little of yourself while inside the walls.
For me, the opportunity to teach, is the thing that keeps me grounded. While my student is slightly different here than outside the walls, the opportunity to teach and learn remains the same. I still love the moment that I can see my students "click" with the concepts and gain understanding. Last week, almost none of my students knew how to properly write a sentence (there are some exceptions, of course). Today, most of the students wrote two full paragraphs! They are even getting their punctuation right. It brings me such joy. Yes, there is joy inside the walls. It is not the same joy as outside, but the ability to smile is wonderful.
Forty new inmates walked inside these walls this week (so far). They came through the Oklahoma transfer center, so they all spent some time inside some walls before arriving here. But the walls at Carswell are slightly taller here. They are more stringent. The walls are more demanding. I see their fear and their tears. Some have horrible roommates, like I had in the past. Some, can't believe they were transferred so far from home. It is hard to see past these walls to our future or opportunities for good. But, it is possible. Yes, I wake up and look at a cinder block wall every morning. I believe that one day, I will be successful, and my push will have impact. It will be the last push I do, and I will be walking outside the walls.
I, also, have walls to ensure that no one can access my private information. I keep all my stuff in a locked locker. I keep my thoughts in my mind. I keep my friends at a distance (those inside and outside of prison). It is impossible to fully explain what it is like here day in and day out. This place encourages an unhealthy way of life in every way.
I have a friend who received bad news lately. Her answer to this news... "I want to go smoke." Somehow, she has access to cigarettes and a place where she will not get caught smoking. The punishment for getting caught is time in the SHU, loss of email, loss of phone, and loss of other privileges. It doesn't matter. She just wants to "escape" her reality here for a nice long drag on a cigarette. Another inmate, overdosed on pills she bought on the underground market here. Anyone who wants to get "high," finds a way to do it. The walls here are not big enough to block the conduct of people who are desperate.
I can't say that I am really that different from myself outside these walls. I was always trying to follow the rules. I was a teacher's pet as a kid. This will surprise none of my friends. I always tried to avoid anything that could bring punishment. I guess I was punishing myself enough with self-destructive thoughts and behavior. There are some others here who appear to be a lot like me. We have never been in a physical fight (although, I realize I did fight back as a child against my sister once in a while). We have never been in trouble in school or work (except for the disastrous crimes that brought us on this side of the walls). The thing is that, most of us, never intended to hurt others or cause havoc. We got stuck, somehow, in our lives, our trust in others, or addictions. Our crimes are a result of that behavior - not the desire to cause havoc or break the law.
This morning, I was talking with Freckles about the women, here, who spends a ton of time and money on makeup. While I am behind these walls, I really care not about what I look like. There is no one to impress. I'm more comfortable just being "me." Freckles pointed out, correctly, that putting on the makeup may help these women feel just a little more normal, than we are able to feel while incarcerated. If they would do their hair and make-up every morning at home, being able to do it here gives them just a bit of normalcy, and perhaps control. I indicated that many of them are also trying to impress other women here. She agreed. However, it is important to try and keep a little of yourself while inside the walls.
For me, the opportunity to teach, is the thing that keeps me grounded. While my student is slightly different here than outside the walls, the opportunity to teach and learn remains the same. I still love the moment that I can see my students "click" with the concepts and gain understanding. Last week, almost none of my students knew how to properly write a sentence (there are some exceptions, of course). Today, most of the students wrote two full paragraphs! They are even getting their punctuation right. It brings me such joy. Yes, there is joy inside the walls. It is not the same joy as outside, but the ability to smile is wonderful.
Forty new inmates walked inside these walls this week (so far). They came through the Oklahoma transfer center, so they all spent some time inside some walls before arriving here. But the walls at Carswell are slightly taller here. They are more stringent. The walls are more demanding. I see their fear and their tears. Some have horrible roommates, like I had in the past. Some, can't believe they were transferred so far from home. It is hard to see past these walls to our future or opportunities for good. But, it is possible. Yes, I wake up and look at a cinder block wall every morning. I believe that one day, I will be successful, and my push will have impact. It will be the last push I do, and I will be walking outside the walls.
From Dragonfly: A New Teacher
Yesterday, a new teacher, Ms. W., was assigned to my classes until Ms. N. returns. Ms. W. is brand new to education, but has worked for many years as a C.O. in the institution. Some students really do not like her, but it is my first days working with her, and she seems like she wants to teach, so that is good. She is also deferring to me about the curriculum so far, but we are about to write a couple weeks of science curriculum, so that will be a joint decision. So far, she has liked the curriculum I am doing to help students brainstorm essays and then write their introduction paragraphs. For some students, it has been so long since they were in school, and they dropped out so early in life, that just getting them to understand a sentence is what we need to do. Others, seem to be accomplished writers. I love it when I see someone struggling "get it" and start excelling with their work. It is very rewarding. I always tell my students, "good work." I also let them know that it is okay to struggle, as long as they are trying. We then work 1-on-1 until they understand. With Ms. W. in the room, not both of us can work 1-on-1 with different students. Plus, she can tell people to pay attention, which I am not allowed to do. She can discipline them worse, as well. I've enjoyed teaching yesterday and today! Also, several students told Ms. W. behind my back that I am a good tutor and teacher. It was nice that they said that unsolicited.
Nothing is ever perfect, though. Several of the "tutors" are getting very frustrated with the job. We are paid less than the kitchen workers (even the dish washers). We are not given first priority at meals, while facility workers do, even though we must be at work on time. We sometimes can't do our commissary shopping, if we have a call-out the morning of our commissary day, because education does not want us shopping during the lunch break (in case it takes too long). Also, some workers get commissary priority, but tutors do not (once again, we still need to figure out how to be at work on time). We are given very little time to be in the email room. Blah, blah, blah. All these issues are true, but I am SOOOO glad I am a tutor and not a dish washer. I am SOOOO glad I am a tutor and not trying to paint walls. I feel like every day at work, I am using my interest in the Scholarship of Teaching and Learning with both the educators and the students. I am shifting the classroom from just summative assessment, to formative assessment as well. Not everything needs a grade, but everything should be used to guide the student's level of learning and understanding. Tomorrow, I think I am going to try the bulls eye formative assessment activity that I learned from colleagues when we were in South Africa. Yesterday, I did the "fly swatter" game - where I asked students to reduce several fractions and they used a fly swatter to point to the correct answer on the board. They had fun and they pretty much got it all correct, even though they were solving the problems in their head!!
I am recommending 4 students for pre-GED testing to see if they may be ready for the big test. I am not sure how they will score, but I hope to see some of my students obtain their GED while I am still here. Although, if it was a choice to tutor or go home, I will definitely choose home. I have had no answer on lowering my "care level". I've talked with 2 people at medical and submitted 3 cop-outs so far. Everything takes time and persistence here!! Just like the work of learning in order to pass the GED test!
Off to class!!!!
Nothing is ever perfect, though. Several of the "tutors" are getting very frustrated with the job. We are paid less than the kitchen workers (even the dish washers). We are not given first priority at meals, while facility workers do, even though we must be at work on time. We sometimes can't do our commissary shopping, if we have a call-out the morning of our commissary day, because education does not want us shopping during the lunch break (in case it takes too long). Also, some workers get commissary priority, but tutors do not (once again, we still need to figure out how to be at work on time). We are given very little time to be in the email room. Blah, blah, blah. All these issues are true, but I am SOOOO glad I am a tutor and not a dish washer. I am SOOOO glad I am a tutor and not trying to paint walls. I feel like every day at work, I am using my interest in the Scholarship of Teaching and Learning with both the educators and the students. I am shifting the classroom from just summative assessment, to formative assessment as well. Not everything needs a grade, but everything should be used to guide the student's level of learning and understanding. Tomorrow, I think I am going to try the bulls eye formative assessment activity that I learned from colleagues when we were in South Africa. Yesterday, I did the "fly swatter" game - where I asked students to reduce several fractions and they used a fly swatter to point to the correct answer on the board. They had fun and they pretty much got it all correct, even though they were solving the problems in their head!!
I am recommending 4 students for pre-GED testing to see if they may be ready for the big test. I am not sure how they will score, but I hope to see some of my students obtain their GED while I am still here. Although, if it was a choice to tutor or go home, I will definitely choose home. I have had no answer on lowering my "care level". I've talked with 2 people at medical and submitted 3 cop-outs so far. Everything takes time and persistence here!! Just like the work of learning in order to pass the GED test!
Off to class!!!!
Wednesday, October 2, 2013
From Sporty: Addendum to my visit with Dragonfly
I forgot to mention a few things in my recent post. When visiting an inmate at Carswell it is highly recommended that you find the location during the day when you can see where you are going. I attempted this in the very early morning when it was still dark out and it is very difficult to locate. It didn't come up on my GPS or my navigation system on my smart phone. It is very easy to mistaken Carswell Navy Base for Carswell Prison, as they are located right next to each other. You will drive through a residential area before reaching the gates of Carswell Prison.
Another important thing is to bring money for the vending machines in the visiting area. I was told to bring quarters, but all the machines do take $1 and $5 dollars bills and provide change. Partaking in the items from the vending machines seemed to be very enjoyable for many of the inmates, as this is a time they can eat different types of food that they are not able to get on the inside. The money that a visitor brings in the prison must be in a clear plastic purse or zip lock baggie. Money and your car keys are the only items they allow visitors to bring inside with them.
You may leave things in your car or there are lockers inside to secure your items before you go to the visitation room. I was told they will accommodate visitors who need to bring in prescription medication, but this is something I didn't do, so I don't know the procedures for this. I do know that once a visitor is in the visiting room, you may not leave the building and be allowed back in during that same day.
Sporty
Tuesday, October 1, 2013
From Dragonfly: Only an Inmate
Throughout the day, there are many times we are reminded that we are "only an inmate." There's when we stand count (and we are just a number), or when we are told we cannot leave a place, or when the washing machine is broken and we can't do anything about it. It is very humbling to be in the role of accepting ones status as "only an inmate." No matter who we are on the outside, we have none of that when we are in here. Our education does not matter. Our skills do not matter. We are all seen as the same. It is part of the freedom taken away.
Today, I had one of those moments to remind me that I am only an inmate. I am teaching my class about brainstorming ideas, themes, and outlines. We are moving towards writing essays. The class teacher is out ill. She has been to 2 days of my teaching in total. I am a tutor, but when she is not in the classroom, I must teach the material. I have designed curriculum, looked through our available materials, and worked hard to be ready for any day that the teacher is not there. Since she's only been in 2x due to her illness, most days, I must teach. I love teaching, so I have no complaints. Well, today, I was busy talking about the "outline" when another teacher (not my assigned teacher, but the head teacher) walked in my room and started observing. Then she says, "that is not the way we teach this." I tried to explain that we were moving toward the "mapping" exercises (the way we teach brainstorming) but that I was trying to show how it helps toward writing. She immediately told me to stop and that I can only teach straight from the GED book. I erased the board and we opened the book I had already been intending to use for exercises.
Two minutes later, another teacher came into the classroom and asked me to step out and brought me to a third teacher's office. I was 'informed' by the two teachers that whenever a teacher tells me to do something or questions anything I am doing, I am just to say, "thank you," and never talk back. Never, ever talk back. I am just an inmate. I am not to explain "why" I choose to teach a certain way. I am to follow directions. Period. So, I did. But, I know that my students get confused by the book and I have no leverage to help explain things further. Outlines are not allowed, only mapping, but not everyone is visual in that way. To me, the goal is that the students can write a GED essay, not the way in which they go about brainstorming their thoughts. It is about getting the students to the end goal in a way that is understandable to them.
However, I do not get to put in my input. I may spend 90% of the time with the students, but I am not allowed to use my skills to help them, except on an individual level. I must remember, always, I am just an inmate. Here, I am not a college graduate. I do not have a juris doctorate and I certainly am not studying toward a PhD in education. I do not know how to teach, here. I have no authority, here. I can be belittled in front of a classroom of students, here. I am an inmate.
Today, I had one of those moments to remind me that I am only an inmate. I am teaching my class about brainstorming ideas, themes, and outlines. We are moving towards writing essays. The class teacher is out ill. She has been to 2 days of my teaching in total. I am a tutor, but when she is not in the classroom, I must teach the material. I have designed curriculum, looked through our available materials, and worked hard to be ready for any day that the teacher is not there. Since she's only been in 2x due to her illness, most days, I must teach. I love teaching, so I have no complaints. Well, today, I was busy talking about the "outline" when another teacher (not my assigned teacher, but the head teacher) walked in my room and started observing. Then she says, "that is not the way we teach this." I tried to explain that we were moving toward the "mapping" exercises (the way we teach brainstorming) but that I was trying to show how it helps toward writing. She immediately told me to stop and that I can only teach straight from the GED book. I erased the board and we opened the book I had already been intending to use for exercises.
Two minutes later, another teacher came into the classroom and asked me to step out and brought me to a third teacher's office. I was 'informed' by the two teachers that whenever a teacher tells me to do something or questions anything I am doing, I am just to say, "thank you," and never talk back. Never, ever talk back. I am just an inmate. I am not to explain "why" I choose to teach a certain way. I am to follow directions. Period. So, I did. But, I know that my students get confused by the book and I have no leverage to help explain things further. Outlines are not allowed, only mapping, but not everyone is visual in that way. To me, the goal is that the students can write a GED essay, not the way in which they go about brainstorming their thoughts. It is about getting the students to the end goal in a way that is understandable to them.
However, I do not get to put in my input. I may spend 90% of the time with the students, but I am not allowed to use my skills to help them, except on an individual level. I must remember, always, I am just an inmate. Here, I am not a college graduate. I do not have a juris doctorate and I certainly am not studying toward a PhD in education. I do not know how to teach, here. I have no authority, here. I can be belittled in front of a classroom of students, here. I am an inmate.
From Dragonfly: Another Wonderful Visit
Sporty just left. We spent 5 hours together yesterday and about 5 1/2 hours together today. We never ran out of things to talk about, although both visits left me fatigued (all we did was sit, eat, and talk). I am so fortunate to have so many people who care about me and make my time here go by easier!! I asked Sporty to write up her experiences and she has agreed, so be looking for that soon!
Last night, an odd thing happened here. A woman in my unit brought me an article that she has from a local paper and said, "You're quoted in the paper!" I hadn't been interviewed for any articles that I know of, so I thought to myself, is it Dragonfly Hazel being quoted? Did someone pick something up off something I've written? But, once I was reading the article, I had my answer. See, I happen to have the exact SAME name as a well-known columnist - a columnist I highly do not agree with. The article was about a woman here in Carswell, Lynn Stewart, who is a 'political' prisoner based on her actions in defending a terrorist (as an attorney). She is dying from cancer and currently has less than 6 months to live. She does not want to die in prison. They have tried to get her compassionate release, but she has not yet been approved (only 24 people are approved annually for compassionate release). The article was more about the uses of compassionate release than Ms. Stewart. Anyway, the article quotes this columnist, who shares my name, and she said that she believes Ms. Stewart should never be released from prison and should die here. Well, these are definitely NOT my opinions, but since I have that same name, others here think I was the one being quoted. This could be a bad thing!!!!!! Except when it comes to the staff - who may think I'm on their side of things. This woman, who shares my name, has followed me around the country in many ways. I almost did not get a job once, because they thought I must be her. I have received messages for her, with people finding my number instead of hers. Friends have told me that they thought I was coming on TV, when in fact, it was her. We are a different ethnicity from one another (so that helps), but, since she is usually just writing her opinions, many people have no idea what she looks like.
Now, I have the reality that if people google our name, they will either think I am a closed minded writer or a horrible felon. Not sure she is happy to have my name either now!!!! An odd reality.
Last night, an odd thing happened here. A woman in my unit brought me an article that she has from a local paper and said, "You're quoted in the paper!" I hadn't been interviewed for any articles that I know of, so I thought to myself, is it Dragonfly Hazel being quoted? Did someone pick something up off something I've written? But, once I was reading the article, I had my answer. See, I happen to have the exact SAME name as a well-known columnist - a columnist I highly do not agree with. The article was about a woman here in Carswell, Lynn Stewart, who is a 'political' prisoner based on her actions in defending a terrorist (as an attorney). She is dying from cancer and currently has less than 6 months to live. She does not want to die in prison. They have tried to get her compassionate release, but she has not yet been approved (only 24 people are approved annually for compassionate release). The article was more about the uses of compassionate release than Ms. Stewart. Anyway, the article quotes this columnist, who shares my name, and she said that she believes Ms. Stewart should never be released from prison and should die here. Well, these are definitely NOT my opinions, but since I have that same name, others here think I was the one being quoted. This could be a bad thing!!!!!! Except when it comes to the staff - who may think I'm on their side of things. This woman, who shares my name, has followed me around the country in many ways. I almost did not get a job once, because they thought I must be her. I have received messages for her, with people finding my number instead of hers. Friends have told me that they thought I was coming on TV, when in fact, it was her. We are a different ethnicity from one another (so that helps), but, since she is usually just writing her opinions, many people have no idea what she looks like.
Now, I have the reality that if people google our name, they will either think I am a closed minded writer or a horrible felon. Not sure she is happy to have my name either now!!!! An odd reality.
From Dragonfly: Sporty In Town
Today, Sporty came to visit me. It was a great visitation and she's coming back tomorrow. I asked her to write up her experience to share and she said, "okay." So, that should be coming soon. I thought I would spend a little time typing up some observations I've made about my incarceration. I have 96 written so far, so here are just a few:
- If you were at a prison camp with your medication for years, but sent here for evaluation, you will be told that you cannot transfer to a camp due to your medication.
- We will ask you to bring $1,000 of your medication with you to your self-surrender. We will throw away $1,000 of your medication upon surrender (just bring bottles and maybe 1 day's medicine with you).
- We will give you a shoe box with your new shoes and the materials your books arrive in. Shoe boxes and packing materials are contraband.
- Everyone in your room is responsible for the cleanliness of the room. If someone does not clean, well, we have no answer for that because everyone must clean. Fighting is not allowed, but make them clean.
- You can get everything and anything for a price, just don't ask where it came from.
- We have replaced our microwaves with hot water spickets. This should be an even trade.
- You may visit an inmate, as long as you have the ability to control young children after sitting in the car for 4 hours waiting.
- While talking to loved ones on the phone, we will remind them that you are in a "federal prison" at least 3x.
- You will need physical therapy when that cast comes off. There is one a 1 1/2 year wait for physical therapy.
- Please do not waste your food. If you cannot finish your food, please do not share your food.
- The best place to avoid trouble is in your room, on your bed. Unless you have a crazy roommate, in which case you will be safe in a toilet stall.
- We care not if you are 70 and retired, you still must get your GED.
- Trans guys must go by women's names here. Trans women must go by women's names here.
- We are told to look as good as possible - including ironing our uniforms. Some women take it a little further, ironing tshirts, sweats, and their underwear.
- We are referred to by our last names, but no one can say them correctly.
- If for some reason you are locked out of your email, we will press the reset button on Monday.
- You are required to record your name in order to use the phone system. When you call out, our system will recognize your voice and name once every 12 attempts. If you have a cold, you cannot use the phone system, because your voice will not be recognized.
- If you are new, we will house you in the bus stop with troublemakers and non-FRP payers. They will assist you in understanding facility rules.
- If you cut your hair short, you are a "stud" and will be well cared for by the femmes, whether you are homosexual or not.
- You will learn every meaning of the word, "fuck," within a week upon arrival.
- You must have your i.d. with you at all times. We are providing you with pocketless sweats.
- Your work will start at a rate of $0.12/hour of satisfactory work performance. This money should help you pay financial obligations and be saved toward release.
- If you do not receive adequate funds from the outside to pay your FRP, we will restrict your work income to $5.25/month.
- After one year in your job, you are eligible for a one-week paid vacation. Enjoy absolutely no change to your life the rest of your year incarcerated - only a little more time doing nothing productive.
- If you want to get your computation papers, please wait for 2 1/2 hours outside records on any Wednesday in order to be told to go to your counselor. Then, wait an hour to see your counselor, in order to be told to go to records.
- In order to accommodate everyone for laundry, your time may be at 4:45am or end at 2:00am.
- You are responsible for paying your FRP payment on time, however, we will not pay you enough to cover the payment, so please beg your family & friends to send you funds early each month.
- 50% of inmates speak spanish as their first language, for that reason, 10% of the televisions are reserved for spanish language television shows. Ummm, is something unfair there?
- Shaved heads and mohawks are prohibited, unless you identify as a boi.
- It is important that you maintain communication with your family, especially your children. If you are in trouble, the first priviledge we take away is phone & email, so we can punish not only you, but your children.
- You can't stand more than 10 minutes, walk more than 2 blocks, or lift more than 20 pounds? You are approved for food service!
- Personal hygiene is very important to not spread germs. However, our bathrooms are out of soap and towels.
- You must carry your own toilet paper at all times. If you run out, please avoid the toilets.
- We will provide you with a 2,500 calories/day diet. Don't gain weight!
- We offer a salad bar. It consists of iceburg lettuce. Enjoy this special addition to your meal.
- Welcome to prison. In 24 hours, we will provide you with your uniforms, pajamas, underwear, bras, and a pillow. For tonight, enjoy the oversized uniform that publically says your size on it in blank parker 20 times and a blanket. No change of clothes. No pillow. Good luck.
- You self-surrendered and have never been under attest or in handcuffs, but since you have to see a specialist, outside the medical facility, we are putting you in wrist and ankle shackles.
- If you have a medical issue, we will put you in a more secured prison (even though you are unable to run) and you will have less time at home because you are ineligible for halfway houses.
- Oh, you have a bite that has swollen your entire arm and causes paid on your entire right side? Here's some gauze and tape. Let us know if it gets worse.
- We have wonderful craft supplies for you to order so you can occupy your time in a healthy way. It will just take 3 months for shipping and handling.
- Sorry you don't know this rule I made up this morning, here's "extra duty" so you will know it in the future.
- No, we can't give you a non-formulary medication. Here's a medication that will make you sleep all day, so you won't notice any of your pain. You may need assistance standing for count.
- We have programs to help you with adjusting to life after prison which is available your last year incarcerated. There is a wait list, so you may need to wait over a year to attend sessions.
- You may have a past drug problem, but here's a narcotic to ease your pain.
- If you want taste in your food, purchase your own spices in the commissary. Those green beans look good, but have no taste.
And, writing these stupid things is how I keep myself busy...
- If you were at a prison camp with your medication for years, but sent here for evaluation, you will be told that you cannot transfer to a camp due to your medication.
- We will ask you to bring $1,000 of your medication with you to your self-surrender. We will throw away $1,000 of your medication upon surrender (just bring bottles and maybe 1 day's medicine with you).
- We will give you a shoe box with your new shoes and the materials your books arrive in. Shoe boxes and packing materials are contraband.
- Everyone in your room is responsible for the cleanliness of the room. If someone does not clean, well, we have no answer for that because everyone must clean. Fighting is not allowed, but make them clean.
- You can get everything and anything for a price, just don't ask where it came from.
- We have replaced our microwaves with hot water spickets. This should be an even trade.
- You may visit an inmate, as long as you have the ability to control young children after sitting in the car for 4 hours waiting.
- While talking to loved ones on the phone, we will remind them that you are in a "federal prison" at least 3x.
- You will need physical therapy when that cast comes off. There is one a 1 1/2 year wait for physical therapy.
- Please do not waste your food. If you cannot finish your food, please do not share your food.
- The best place to avoid trouble is in your room, on your bed. Unless you have a crazy roommate, in which case you will be safe in a toilet stall.
- We care not if you are 70 and retired, you still must get your GED.
- Trans guys must go by women's names here. Trans women must go by women's names here.
- We are told to look as good as possible - including ironing our uniforms. Some women take it a little further, ironing tshirts, sweats, and their underwear.
- We are referred to by our last names, but no one can say them correctly.
- If for some reason you are locked out of your email, we will press the reset button on Monday.
- You are required to record your name in order to use the phone system. When you call out, our system will recognize your voice and name once every 12 attempts. If you have a cold, you cannot use the phone system, because your voice will not be recognized.
- If you are new, we will house you in the bus stop with troublemakers and non-FRP payers. They will assist you in understanding facility rules.
- If you cut your hair short, you are a "stud" and will be well cared for by the femmes, whether you are homosexual or not.
- You will learn every meaning of the word, "fuck," within a week upon arrival.
- You must have your i.d. with you at all times. We are providing you with pocketless sweats.
- Your work will start at a rate of $0.12/hour of satisfactory work performance. This money should help you pay financial obligations and be saved toward release.
- If you do not receive adequate funds from the outside to pay your FRP, we will restrict your work income to $5.25/month.
- After one year in your job, you are eligible for a one-week paid vacation. Enjoy absolutely no change to your life the rest of your year incarcerated - only a little more time doing nothing productive.
- If you want to get your computation papers, please wait for 2 1/2 hours outside records on any Wednesday in order to be told to go to your counselor. Then, wait an hour to see your counselor, in order to be told to go to records.
- In order to accommodate everyone for laundry, your time may be at 4:45am or end at 2:00am.
- You are responsible for paying your FRP payment on time, however, we will not pay you enough to cover the payment, so please beg your family & friends to send you funds early each month.
- 50% of inmates speak spanish as their first language, for that reason, 10% of the televisions are reserved for spanish language television shows. Ummm, is something unfair there?
- Shaved heads and mohawks are prohibited, unless you identify as a boi.
- It is important that you maintain communication with your family, especially your children. If you are in trouble, the first priviledge we take away is phone & email, so we can punish not only you, but your children.
- You can't stand more than 10 minutes, walk more than 2 blocks, or lift more than 20 pounds? You are approved for food service!
- Personal hygiene is very important to not spread germs. However, our bathrooms are out of soap and towels.
- You must carry your own toilet paper at all times. If you run out, please avoid the toilets.
- We will provide you with a 2,500 calories/day diet. Don't gain weight!
- We offer a salad bar. It consists of iceburg lettuce. Enjoy this special addition to your meal.
- Welcome to prison. In 24 hours, we will provide you with your uniforms, pajamas, underwear, bras, and a pillow. For tonight, enjoy the oversized uniform that publically says your size on it in blank parker 20 times and a blanket. No change of clothes. No pillow. Good luck.
- You self-surrendered and have never been under attest or in handcuffs, but since you have to see a specialist, outside the medical facility, we are putting you in wrist and ankle shackles.
- If you have a medical issue, we will put you in a more secured prison (even though you are unable to run) and you will have less time at home because you are ineligible for halfway houses.
- Oh, you have a bite that has swollen your entire arm and causes paid on your entire right side? Here's some gauze and tape. Let us know if it gets worse.
- We have wonderful craft supplies for you to order so you can occupy your time in a healthy way. It will just take 3 months for shipping and handling.
- Sorry you don't know this rule I made up this morning, here's "extra duty" so you will know it in the future.
- No, we can't give you a non-formulary medication. Here's a medication that will make you sleep all day, so you won't notice any of your pain. You may need assistance standing for count.
- We have programs to help you with adjusting to life after prison which is available your last year incarcerated. There is a wait list, so you may need to wait over a year to attend sessions.
- You may have a past drug problem, but here's a narcotic to ease your pain.
- If you want taste in your food, purchase your own spices in the commissary. Those green beans look good, but have no taste.
And, writing these stupid things is how I keep myself busy...
From Sporty: My Two Visits with Dragonfly Hazel
Arrived FMC Carswell at 7:45 am and had about 30 cars in line in front of me. Gates open at 8am but didn't until 8:10.
Had to show guard at gate my
drivers license and proof of car insurance. I was in a rental car and
showed rental contract and my own insurance card that covers rental. Was
given a form and parking pass to put on dashboard. Drove to parking
lot, entered building, filled out short form, if you have inmates number
that's good or they will look it up. Placed form with my drivers
license paper clipped to it in box on counter and stood waiting, very
few chairs. Guard calls out name of inmate I was visiting and then I
went through metal
detectors and put personal belonging in bin with shoes just like at
airport. Then sign a paper, have hand stamped with invisible ink and
wait for guard to escort groups through a room with fluorescent lamp
that
shows your hand stamp. Then to visiting area. Dragonfly Hazel was in
visiting room
when I arrived and first saw her at 9:30am,
dressed in all Khaki uniform. We were allowed one hug and small kiss
upon arrival and one at departure. The meeting area is a large room with
seating similar to that at the
airport. Rows of chairs with some having a table in between chairs, but
most did not. We were able to change our seats once a seat with a table
opened up. We
had to sit in seat sideways in order to comfortably talk and be able to
face each other w out turning neck the whole time. We talked and I was
able to purchase things from vending machine for us.
She was not allowed at vending machine but could stand at a distance as
I read off what was in frozen food machine. One microwave was
available, so at times there may be a short wait to use, but not bad.
Food choices were all $4 each and included deli sandwiches,
cheeseburgers, breakfast sandwiches, buffalo chicken wings, mini tacos,
BBQ ribs, chili cheese dogs. I got her a breakfast sandwich and it was
very similar to what you would get at a fast food restaurant. I had
eaten before I arrived and would suggest others do the same. She wanted
an orange soda, something she enjoys and can't get inside. There were a
lot of families visiting, talking, eating, some crying.
They had a kids play room and it was nice to see inmates spending time
with their kids although it was sad as well. We talked for hours as we
both had so much to share. For lunch she had the mini tacos and they
were good! I had the wings and I don't recommend them! Other vending
machines had a variety of other items you would normally see in them. At
about 10:15 am
the lights flashed on and off signaling for all
inmates to approach desk and line up for a count (fyi: they shut down
the line of people coming in to visit during counts, so don't come
during the 10 o'clock hour). They were then told
that their bathroom breaks would be at 10:30 and 12:30.
They flash the
lights on and off when it's bathroom break time. When she went to
bathroom she told me a woman guard had to stand in there with her while
she went to make sure visitors weren't giving any inmates anything to
bring inside. Visitors use different restrooms, one family at a time and
you must obtain key from desk and sign for it. At 1pm inmates can take pictures with family. Inmates obtain picture
tickets ahead of time and the cost is $1 each. Dragonfly Hazel bought 2 tickets. An
inmate whose job is picture taking took our pics and will get them in
a week and she can send me one. They actually set up with a backdrop for
the photos. Visiting hour ends at 2:45 and we hugged before departing. She then got
in a line where she told me 4 inmates at a time will go into a room to
be strip searched before going back inside. Visitors are escorted out
where they pick up their drivers license and go thru room to show hand stamp
again then leave and return parking pass to guard at front gate.
Day 2
Arrived earlier this day at 6:50 am and had 15 cars in line in front of me. Gates opened at 8am and I reached visitation room and Dragonfly Hazel at 8:50am. Not much in machine for breakfast so she wanted to try the much talked about pizza and she enjoyed it. For lunch we shared a huge cheeseburger and it was ok but would have been better with condiments, there were none! Dragonfly Hazel wasn't feeling well and had a stiff neck and body aches, but she was happy to have the visit. It was a busier day for visitors and the guard made an announcement that if it became too crowded he may have to cut some of the visits short. When this happens they ask local visitors or frequent ones to leave and ones that traveled a great distance, like myself would be able to stay. Nobody was asked to leave early today. Dragonfly Hazel mentioned that mail call is the highlight of her week, so keep sending letters to your friends, family and loved ones if they are ever incarcerated....it means a lot to them to stay connected! I said goodbye and left at 2:40pm. We were happy to see each other and had two days of long visits and while it was great to see her, it was also sad, given the circumstances and the environment she is in.
Day 2
Arrived earlier this day at 6:50 am and had 15 cars in line in front of me. Gates opened at 8am and I reached visitation room and Dragonfly Hazel at 8:50am. Not much in machine for breakfast so she wanted to try the much talked about pizza and she enjoyed it. For lunch we shared a huge cheeseburger and it was ok but would have been better with condiments, there were none! Dragonfly Hazel wasn't feeling well and had a stiff neck and body aches, but she was happy to have the visit. It was a busier day for visitors and the guard made an announcement that if it became too crowded he may have to cut some of the visits short. When this happens they ask local visitors or frequent ones to leave and ones that traveled a great distance, like myself would be able to stay. Nobody was asked to leave early today. Dragonfly Hazel mentioned that mail call is the highlight of her week, so keep sending letters to your friends, family and loved ones if they are ever incarcerated....it means a lot to them to stay connected! I said goodbye and left at 2:40pm. We were happy to see each other and had two days of long visits and while it was great to see her, it was also sad, given the circumstances and the environment she is in.
Saturday, September 28, 2013
From Dragonfy: Pomp and Circumstance
I have to admit my mistake from yesterday. It is not 150 graduating, it is 55 (well, there are more, but they do not want to participate in the ceremony and others have already left Carswell), so 55 will walk at today's graduation. Rehearsal yesterday was bitter sweet for me, and I did not expect that response...
The graduates were each fitted for cap and gown and then they had two photos taken. I worked the photo section. I helped put the gowns on and off them and make sure their tassle was on the correct side. One of the teachers kept telling me I was putting it on the wrong side, but I know what I'm doing. I did this job many times at my institution of higher education - where one of my responsibilities was helping the faculty and VIP's get into their caps and gowns. The realization that I am doing it in prison now, and not at my school was a bit overwhelming. Then, the graduates had to practice walking in and out. The music took me right to graduation ceremonies and I started to realize that I really may not receive my PhD. I may not walk the aisle this last time. Something I want to achieve so bad, and it may be taken away from me. I still can't believe I am in this position with my institution. I have been a good student and given back to the University in so many ways. Why would my past have such an impact on my educational goals?
The other day, one of my students came up to me after class and said, "I hope you get out of here soon and can go back to your life on the outside." I said, "thank you," and then asked why she said that to me. She said that she has high regard for me, that I am a skilled educator and that I am one of the first tutors to treat all my students with respect. She is a lady in her 50's and I was really amazed at the praise she gave me. It took me back to what I may face once I'm out of here, though. Will I have a school to go back to? Will I get to accomplish my goals? If, for some reason it is taken from me, what will I do?
This is, again, when I have to turn to my GA program and remember that I don't have to solve all my problems at once. In fact, while in prison, the only thing I can do is type up the letter I've written in response to the letter I received (using a typewriter!), and pray that my higher power has the best of wishes for me. I also received the "Day at a Time" book from G.A. yesterday, so now, daily, I can have just a moment of my recovery in my life. Thank you Survivor!!!
It looks like they are going to send South home sometime soon. She was called to her social worker's office and they are starting the process... could take 2 months, but I did tell her weeks ago that I believed she'll be home for the holidays. Danbury is also going to be released by December. I will be sad for my friends to go, but SO HAPPY that they are going home!!!! One day, it will be me.
The graduates were each fitted for cap and gown and then they had two photos taken. I worked the photo section. I helped put the gowns on and off them and make sure their tassle was on the correct side. One of the teachers kept telling me I was putting it on the wrong side, but I know what I'm doing. I did this job many times at my institution of higher education - where one of my responsibilities was helping the faculty and VIP's get into their caps and gowns. The realization that I am doing it in prison now, and not at my school was a bit overwhelming. Then, the graduates had to practice walking in and out. The music took me right to graduation ceremonies and I started to realize that I really may not receive my PhD. I may not walk the aisle this last time. Something I want to achieve so bad, and it may be taken away from me. I still can't believe I am in this position with my institution. I have been a good student and given back to the University in so many ways. Why would my past have such an impact on my educational goals?
The other day, one of my students came up to me after class and said, "I hope you get out of here soon and can go back to your life on the outside." I said, "thank you," and then asked why she said that to me. She said that she has high regard for me, that I am a skilled educator and that I am one of the first tutors to treat all my students with respect. She is a lady in her 50's and I was really amazed at the praise she gave me. It took me back to what I may face once I'm out of here, though. Will I have a school to go back to? Will I get to accomplish my goals? If, for some reason it is taken from me, what will I do?
This is, again, when I have to turn to my GA program and remember that I don't have to solve all my problems at once. In fact, while in prison, the only thing I can do is type up the letter I've written in response to the letter I received (using a typewriter!), and pray that my higher power has the best of wishes for me. I also received the "Day at a Time" book from G.A. yesterday, so now, daily, I can have just a moment of my recovery in my life. Thank you Survivor!!!
It looks like they are going to send South home sometime soon. She was called to her social worker's office and they are starting the process... could take 2 months, but I did tell her weeks ago that I believed she'll be home for the holidays. Danbury is also going to be released by December. I will be sad for my friends to go, but SO HAPPY that they are going home!!!! One day, it will be me.
From Dragonfly: Graduation
Tomorrow is graduation day for all the students who have received their GED, cosmetology, ESL, or apprenticeship degrees over the past year. I walked in to class to start teaching this morning and was told that classes were cancelled for today and tomorrow. They don't tell us in advance, ever. This morning, I went through all the classroom materials that I've had no ability to look at since I get almost no time without students in my class. About 10am, I was called into a meeting with the other Education inmate workers.
We have a role in tomorrow's graduation (good to know), but they have not told us our roles yet. Instead, today is the rehearsal. There are probably about 150 inmates graduating. It is treated like a real high school graduation - caps, gowns, grad music, pictures, food, and guests. Today, I will assist inmates in getting their photos ready with a cap and gown on. I don't know if it is the best job for me, since I can't really reach most people's heads. Ha. Every graduating inmate will receive two graduation photos free of charge. The only other "free" photos are our mug shots, so this is a big deal! It is quite the accomplishment for these students to be going through graduation and to be able to walk out of prison with the ability to have access to a career and/or college (depending on their new degree). Yesterday, I talked with one student who hopes to go to a community college when she gets out of here next year and pursue a degree to be an x-ray technician. I believe she will, too!
I meet so many people who tell me they will go right back to their criminal ways upon graduation. It makes me incredibly sad to think that being here has not caused them to believe there is another way in life. It makes me so proud of those who are spending their time here trying to better themselves. I love the joy I hear when they get their GED results. I see their tears if they have a score too low to pass math. This education matters to them. I won't say it's everyone who are in the classes, but definitely a lot of them. I met two women who both graduated from the cosmetology school. Both plan to work in hair salons when they go home. Real direction and a way to support themselves and their children. So wonderful!!
I hate that the staff here think they have no programs for me. I am learning everyday by observing other people and my students. I also officially know how to chain up in crochet and do a single stitch. I have a 10" x 5" crocheted project that can be used for nothing to show for my new skill. I'm a little scared to try to actually make something real. I may try to make something for T.S. for her upcoming birthday in November, but I fear that it will have too many missed stitches and she will just laugh at me... plus we don't have the yarn colors for her school colors... I would need to be creative.
Speaking of the cosmetology school, I may have to make an appointment there after all. I don't think my hair has looked worse in all my life. I'm trying to grow it out, but it pretty much looks like a layered mop on my head. I'm thinking of trimming up the back to let it all grow out together. I'll see what Sporty thinks when she visits this weekend. And, my SIL invited Sporty to dinner Saturday night since she will be in town with nothing to do after visitation ends at 3pm. Everyone in my life always shows me how amazing they are. I am a very fortunate woman, even in my khaki's!
We have a role in tomorrow's graduation (good to know), but they have not told us our roles yet. Instead, today is the rehearsal. There are probably about 150 inmates graduating. It is treated like a real high school graduation - caps, gowns, grad music, pictures, food, and guests. Today, I will assist inmates in getting their photos ready with a cap and gown on. I don't know if it is the best job for me, since I can't really reach most people's heads. Ha. Every graduating inmate will receive two graduation photos free of charge. The only other "free" photos are our mug shots, so this is a big deal! It is quite the accomplishment for these students to be going through graduation and to be able to walk out of prison with the ability to have access to a career and/or college (depending on their new degree). Yesterday, I talked with one student who hopes to go to a community college when she gets out of here next year and pursue a degree to be an x-ray technician. I believe she will, too!
I meet so many people who tell me they will go right back to their criminal ways upon graduation. It makes me incredibly sad to think that being here has not caused them to believe there is another way in life. It makes me so proud of those who are spending their time here trying to better themselves. I love the joy I hear when they get their GED results. I see their tears if they have a score too low to pass math. This education matters to them. I won't say it's everyone who are in the classes, but definitely a lot of them. I met two women who both graduated from the cosmetology school. Both plan to work in hair salons when they go home. Real direction and a way to support themselves and their children. So wonderful!!
I hate that the staff here think they have no programs for me. I am learning everyday by observing other people and my students. I also officially know how to chain up in crochet and do a single stitch. I have a 10" x 5" crocheted project that can be used for nothing to show for my new skill. I'm a little scared to try to actually make something real. I may try to make something for T.S. for her upcoming birthday in November, but I fear that it will have too many missed stitches and she will just laugh at me... plus we don't have the yarn colors for her school colors... I would need to be creative.
Speaking of the cosmetology school, I may have to make an appointment there after all. I don't think my hair has looked worse in all my life. I'm trying to grow it out, but it pretty much looks like a layered mop on my head. I'm thinking of trimming up the back to let it all grow out together. I'll see what Sporty thinks when she visits this weekend. And, my SIL invited Sporty to dinner Saturday night since she will be in town with nothing to do after visitation ends at 3pm. Everyone in my life always shows me how amazing they are. I am a very fortunate woman, even in my khaki's!
Wednesday, September 25, 2013
From Dragonfly: Aproval!!
I have several friends that want to visit me - including Sporty and Survival. Both required the paperwork going to the Warden for approval based on something in their past. I was SOOOOO worried that they would not be approved. Yesterday, I learned both were approved! It took about 3 weeks for their approval (whereas my family was approved within days of their form arriving). Therefore, do not be surprised when some approvals take time, it does not mean they will not be approved! Now, I get to know that Sporty will be flying down and visiting me this weekend - all weekend. Yeah!
We have had a change in guards this week, which has a lot of people in an uproar. The way it works, is that every 3 months, the C.O.'s are assigned to new units. Our new day officer is a female C.O. who has quite the reputation of being a "hard ass." The problem in most inmates eyes seems to be that she follows the rules!! In fact, she expects inmates to do exactly what is in our A&O book. Consequences are severe if we fail.
I have no problem with how this C.O. wants to run the unit. Of course, I don't fail the rules. People have been getting their lockers searched if their rooms are not inspection-ready by 8am. Anything they are not allowed to have, is confiscated. Our craft project permits have to be in order. We have to be in our rooms 30 minutes before count. We cannot use the restrooms while they are being cleaned. We must use the cosmetology department for haircare. If we use a chair, we must put it back where they are stored under the stairs when we are finished. We cannot hang around the front door waiting for the "chow" call, we must be in the open area. We cannot use the irons if it is not our wash day/time. We can't have anyone else do our wash. We cannot go in anyone else's room. We can't scream between the 1st floor and the 2nd floor to get someone's attention. We cannot hog the televisions - if it is not our "time" that we signed up for, we must give the control of the remote to the person who did. We must share and clean the microwave (or it will disappear). There are lots more rules. But, for the most part, I think they are very reasonable! Too bad they can't force people to be kind to one another!!
There are some people in here who spend all their time thinking about life after prison. I have not been doing that. My program has taught me that "one day at a time" is the only way to live and not worry all the time. I must say that it is working. Each morning, I wake up and face my day. At the end of the night, I almost always say out loud, "another day done." Today is my 37th day at Carswell. Each day is unique and requires 100% of my energy. There are people I have met that are kind. I have been teaching myself crochet (with the help of other inmates). I may try and make a scarf (easiest first project), but I'll have to mail it out to someone (we can't keep our craft projects, generally). Survivor sent me a fancy crochet book, that I received yesterday, so now I can learn more than the single stitch. About 5 inmates immediately asked to borrow the book.
I've also been reading A LOT. I read, "Room" in one day. I am just about done with "A Dog's Journey" and know that someone will send me the next book in the 2-book series (hint, hint). When I don't have new books sent, I venture into the library and start something old that I never read. It helps the time go by. I'm also watching television, now that I am housed on the television floor (1st floor). Last night I watched "The Voice." It is the first show, since I've arrived, that everyone seems to laugh together with. Usually our televisions are divided into factions of people - a lot by race. When "The Voice" is on, people from all different backgrounds are watching. I love that!
It's almost time to get to education. I need to borrow some toilet paper off someone because I forgot to keep some on me and we have to carry our own for all restrooms.
We have had a change in guards this week, which has a lot of people in an uproar. The way it works, is that every 3 months, the C.O.'s are assigned to new units. Our new day officer is a female C.O. who has quite the reputation of being a "hard ass." The problem in most inmates eyes seems to be that she follows the rules!! In fact, she expects inmates to do exactly what is in our A&O book. Consequences are severe if we fail.
I have no problem with how this C.O. wants to run the unit. Of course, I don't fail the rules. People have been getting their lockers searched if their rooms are not inspection-ready by 8am. Anything they are not allowed to have, is confiscated. Our craft project permits have to be in order. We have to be in our rooms 30 minutes before count. We cannot use the restrooms while they are being cleaned. We must use the cosmetology department for haircare. If we use a chair, we must put it back where they are stored under the stairs when we are finished. We cannot hang around the front door waiting for the "chow" call, we must be in the open area. We cannot use the irons if it is not our wash day/time. We can't have anyone else do our wash. We cannot go in anyone else's room. We can't scream between the 1st floor and the 2nd floor to get someone's attention. We cannot hog the televisions - if it is not our "time" that we signed up for, we must give the control of the remote to the person who did. We must share and clean the microwave (or it will disappear). There are lots more rules. But, for the most part, I think they are very reasonable! Too bad they can't force people to be kind to one another!!
There are some people in here who spend all their time thinking about life after prison. I have not been doing that. My program has taught me that "one day at a time" is the only way to live and not worry all the time. I must say that it is working. Each morning, I wake up and face my day. At the end of the night, I almost always say out loud, "another day done." Today is my 37th day at Carswell. Each day is unique and requires 100% of my energy. There are people I have met that are kind. I have been teaching myself crochet (with the help of other inmates). I may try and make a scarf (easiest first project), but I'll have to mail it out to someone (we can't keep our craft projects, generally). Survivor sent me a fancy crochet book, that I received yesterday, so now I can learn more than the single stitch. About 5 inmates immediately asked to borrow the book.
I've also been reading A LOT. I read, "Room" in one day. I am just about done with "A Dog's Journey" and know that someone will send me the next book in the 2-book series (hint, hint). When I don't have new books sent, I venture into the library and start something old that I never read. It helps the time go by. I'm also watching television, now that I am housed on the television floor (1st floor). Last night I watched "The Voice." It is the first show, since I've arrived, that everyone seems to laugh together with. Usually our televisions are divided into factions of people - a lot by race. When "The Voice" is on, people from all different backgrounds are watching. I love that!
It's almost time to get to education. I need to borrow some toilet paper off someone because I forgot to keep some on me and we have to carry our own for all restrooms.
Tuesday, September 24, 2013
From Dragonfly: New Morning Routine
Now that I am working in education every weekday, I have a new morning routine. I awake around 5:50am. I am usually awake even earlier, but I stay in bed, stretching my muscles and joints. I have to be VERY careful doing so, as my bunk mate above me screams if I jiggle the bed. It's hard to do my stretching and not jiggle a little bit. There is no where else in the unit I could do it, and with my morning stiffness, just getting out of bed takes stretching.
Once I am up, I gather my uniform and head to the restroom. I was trying to dress in my room, but my roommates, again, complained that I was waking them, so I compromised and bring it all to the restroom stalls. I shower at night, so my hair looks like a nightmare in the morning. I always wet it down in the sink and do what I can. My hair has been growing wildly. The humidity of Texas is making it even curlier than it was before I was imprisoned, and there is little I can do but hope it doesn't stick out everywhere. I am letting it grow while I am in here, because I would prefer all my hair to be shoulder length when I leave. So, everyday is a bad hair day!
I take all my morning pills, once again frustrating my roommates (I'm not sure how I am not to make any noise in a 70 sq. ft. room. One roommate never complains. She understands that I have a job and must get ready. The other two do not work and just lounge around most of the day. Well, one has a job - cleaning showers 2x/day, but total time doing it is around 2 hours/day. After pills, I grab a plastic chair (we have all our community chairs stacked under a staircase and if we want one, we need to carry it ourself to one of the community area, after, we must return it under the staircase), and I go watch the news for a couple minutes. Once Freckles is ready as well, we go to breakfast - sometimes with others, sometimes just ourselves. It's nice having Freckles have the same schedule as me. And, she gets ready in her room, along with another of her roommates, and no one complains!!!
We only go to breakfast on Mondays, Tuesdays, and Thursdays. Banana days are just too crowded and we will not get to work on time. Breakfast usually consists of a wheat bagel (not toasted) and a morning cereal of all-bran, grits, or oatmeal. Each day is one of those options. I do not enjoy any of the three. I usually get dry toast as an alternative unless they happen to have small pieces of breakfast cake or muffins (rare). I always grab two packages of the skim milk packets as well - it is the only real dairy I receive and I am always craving it. It may not be the best breakfast, but at least I can teach for three hours without feeling hungry. On Wednesdays and Fridays, Freckles and I are starting to eat cinnamon rice cakes with peanut butter and strawberry jam in our unit (all available in commissary). I never realized how much I could enjoy a rice cake, until I put pb&j on it!! I purchased a couple cans of V-8 juice, which we share.
If I get out of breakfast before 7:15am, I make my way to the email lab (because now that I work, access to email is a lot harder). I don't always have time to fully respond to anyone's messages, but just reading things from my friends makes me very happy. If something is important, I (of course) respond. Sometimes, though, based on time, I can't respond until much later in the day or the next day.
By 7:30am, I am walking into the education department. I have to check in with one of the teachers, so they know I am there. So far, only twice, has my teacher been in. She is ill and needs a lot of time off from work. On days she is not in, I teach the entire day and love it! On the two days (so far) she was in, I just spend my time grading and am silent at my work desk (not so much fun). My teacher cannot remember my name, ever, so if she wants me, she screams, "Hey!" and/or snaps her fingers. I feel a bit like she thinks I'm a dog. I definitely prefer the days where I am the teacher! I think she is going to retire in a couple weeks (when she turns 50). She's mentioned it and I am hoping she does whatever is best for her. However, I do hope she will start to treat me with even a little respect. Oh, and she tells entirely inappropriate stories to the students, gets off track, and fails to actually get the students to the day's lessons, sometimes. My thoughts about how we teach adult students are constantly filled. Here, though, I am not a scholar. I am just an inmate.
My students treat me with great respect, though. They always say, "hi," to me and smile. They appreciate my help as they work toward their GED. When the teacher is in the classroom, they look at me with sad eyes. I always say things like, "today, please respect our Teacher," so they know I will not engage in any conversations against her. The students are working hard and two of them are testing this week for their GED, and based on practice tests, they should pass! Hard work pays off!
I stay in my classroom from 7:30am-11:30am. I no longer have to go back to my unit at RECALL at 10:30 due to my job. 10:30-11:30 is the most time I have to grade papers (so I take them back to the unit sometimes with me at night). I get to eat lunch with the education tutors always at 11:30. We do not need to wait in the long line with our unit. This ensures we can be back at work by 12:30pm, so start our afternoon shift.
On Mondays and Fridays, I receive my enbryl shot at 10:30am. The clinic was good to work with me and stop me having to come at 7:45 am (which caused me to be locked in the clinic until the next open move at 8:45 am). Working has certainly added some worth to my stay, as well as a way to be busy half the day. I am SO glad I chose to seek out this employment!!
Once I am up, I gather my uniform and head to the restroom. I was trying to dress in my room, but my roommates, again, complained that I was waking them, so I compromised and bring it all to the restroom stalls. I shower at night, so my hair looks like a nightmare in the morning. I always wet it down in the sink and do what I can. My hair has been growing wildly. The humidity of Texas is making it even curlier than it was before I was imprisoned, and there is little I can do but hope it doesn't stick out everywhere. I am letting it grow while I am in here, because I would prefer all my hair to be shoulder length when I leave. So, everyday is a bad hair day!
I take all my morning pills, once again frustrating my roommates (I'm not sure how I am not to make any noise in a 70 sq. ft. room. One roommate never complains. She understands that I have a job and must get ready. The other two do not work and just lounge around most of the day. Well, one has a job - cleaning showers 2x/day, but total time doing it is around 2 hours/day. After pills, I grab a plastic chair (we have all our community chairs stacked under a staircase and if we want one, we need to carry it ourself to one of the community area, after, we must return it under the staircase), and I go watch the news for a couple minutes. Once Freckles is ready as well, we go to breakfast - sometimes with others, sometimes just ourselves. It's nice having Freckles have the same schedule as me. And, she gets ready in her room, along with another of her roommates, and no one complains!!!
We only go to breakfast on Mondays, Tuesdays, and Thursdays. Banana days are just too crowded and we will not get to work on time. Breakfast usually consists of a wheat bagel (not toasted) and a morning cereal of all-bran, grits, or oatmeal. Each day is one of those options. I do not enjoy any of the three. I usually get dry toast as an alternative unless they happen to have small pieces of breakfast cake or muffins (rare). I always grab two packages of the skim milk packets as well - it is the only real dairy I receive and I am always craving it. It may not be the best breakfast, but at least I can teach for three hours without feeling hungry. On Wednesdays and Fridays, Freckles and I are starting to eat cinnamon rice cakes with peanut butter and strawberry jam in our unit (all available in commissary). I never realized how much I could enjoy a rice cake, until I put pb&j on it!! I purchased a couple cans of V-8 juice, which we share.
If I get out of breakfast before 7:15am, I make my way to the email lab (because now that I work, access to email is a lot harder). I don't always have time to fully respond to anyone's messages, but just reading things from my friends makes me very happy. If something is important, I (of course) respond. Sometimes, though, based on time, I can't respond until much later in the day or the next day.
By 7:30am, I am walking into the education department. I have to check in with one of the teachers, so they know I am there. So far, only twice, has my teacher been in. She is ill and needs a lot of time off from work. On days she is not in, I teach the entire day and love it! On the two days (so far) she was in, I just spend my time grading and am silent at my work desk (not so much fun). My teacher cannot remember my name, ever, so if she wants me, she screams, "Hey!" and/or snaps her fingers. I feel a bit like she thinks I'm a dog. I definitely prefer the days where I am the teacher! I think she is going to retire in a couple weeks (when she turns 50). She's mentioned it and I am hoping she does whatever is best for her. However, I do hope she will start to treat me with even a little respect. Oh, and she tells entirely inappropriate stories to the students, gets off track, and fails to actually get the students to the day's lessons, sometimes. My thoughts about how we teach adult students are constantly filled. Here, though, I am not a scholar. I am just an inmate.
My students treat me with great respect, though. They always say, "hi," to me and smile. They appreciate my help as they work toward their GED. When the teacher is in the classroom, they look at me with sad eyes. I always say things like, "today, please respect our Teacher," so they know I will not engage in any conversations against her. The students are working hard and two of them are testing this week for their GED, and based on practice tests, they should pass! Hard work pays off!
I stay in my classroom from 7:30am-11:30am. I no longer have to go back to my unit at RECALL at 10:30 due to my job. 10:30-11:30 is the most time I have to grade papers (so I take them back to the unit sometimes with me at night). I get to eat lunch with the education tutors always at 11:30. We do not need to wait in the long line with our unit. This ensures we can be back at work by 12:30pm, so start our afternoon shift.
On Mondays and Fridays, I receive my enbryl shot at 10:30am. The clinic was good to work with me and stop me having to come at 7:45 am (which caused me to be locked in the clinic until the next open move at 8:45 am). Working has certainly added some worth to my stay, as well as a way to be busy half the day. I am SO glad I chose to seek out this employment!!
Sunday, September 22, 2013
From Dragonfly: Showers
This week, for the first time since my arrival, we had real rain showers. Many people ran through the rain to get to whatever building they needed. Me, I can't run, so, I walked and was soaked by the time I was at my classroom. We needed the rain - everything was looking very brown outside. The weather was in the 90's and so humid. The rain cooled things off. Most inmates can be seen wearing their sweatpants and/or sweatshirts this weekend. At least in the morning. Then, the sun comes out and it warms up to a good 80-something degrees. Much more reasonable. We are inside so much, however, that the inmates that went out to enjoy the cooler temps yesterday, all got back to the unit sunburned. We all need the natural Vitamin D, though. I didn't have any time outside, due to my visit with SIL, so, at least I am not sunburned!
I figured this was a perfect opening for describing our "other" showers... the ones in the bathrooms. I am pleased to share that all our showers have doors (and most of them lock). Some of the showers are better than others... as they have a hook on the door and do not flood. Newbies (such as myself when I first arrived) will see an available shower, go in, and suddenly be standing in a puddle of water not going down the drain. We learn quickly - that is a bad shower. I try to warn the newest newbies to not use shower #_ or shower #_... Why should everyone have to learn the hard way?
Our toilets are also all behind doors that lock. I am so grateful for the shower and toilet privacy! Also, our cleaning staff are inmates in the unit. They clean our bathrooms/showers several times every day. I wouldn't use a shower without my shower shoes on, but I am not afraid to touch anything. They are clean.
A weird feature of the showers is the height of most of the water spouts. They are about 5' 5" high... I can get under it fine (I'm short), but to do my hair, I'm practically on top of the water handle. For taller women, they need to bend down for their face/hair. I'm not exactly sure of the reason for these low shower heads - which cannot be adjusted - but it certainly may limit the amount of time people are in the shower. I do love that there seems to be unlimited hot water.
Bathrooms are the one place we can be alone behind a door. Now, I only go to such places to do my bathing/bathroom purposes, but at least when I am doing them, I am not concerned about who is looking in or even paying attention to conversations on the other side of my door. I get moments of peace. I never appreciated showers more!
I figured this was a perfect opening for describing our "other" showers... the ones in the bathrooms. I am pleased to share that all our showers have doors (and most of them lock). Some of the showers are better than others... as they have a hook on the door and do not flood. Newbies (such as myself when I first arrived) will see an available shower, go in, and suddenly be standing in a puddle of water not going down the drain. We learn quickly - that is a bad shower. I try to warn the newest newbies to not use shower #_ or shower #_... Why should everyone have to learn the hard way?
Our toilets are also all behind doors that lock. I am so grateful for the shower and toilet privacy! Also, our cleaning staff are inmates in the unit. They clean our bathrooms/showers several times every day. I wouldn't use a shower without my shower shoes on, but I am not afraid to touch anything. They are clean.
A weird feature of the showers is the height of most of the water spouts. They are about 5' 5" high... I can get under it fine (I'm short), but to do my hair, I'm practically on top of the water handle. For taller women, they need to bend down for their face/hair. I'm not exactly sure of the reason for these low shower heads - which cannot be adjusted - but it certainly may limit the amount of time people are in the shower. I do love that there seems to be unlimited hot water.
Bathrooms are the one place we can be alone behind a door. Now, I only go to such places to do my bathing/bathroom purposes, but at least when I am doing them, I am not concerned about who is looking in or even paying attention to conversations on the other side of my door. I get moments of peace. I never appreciated showers more!
From Dragonfly: Squat and Spread 'Em
A room about 10'x10' with a small wall dividing part of it down the middle. Four inmates and one officer. Strip, squat and spread your cheeks (the lower cheeks). That is a strip search here post-visitation. My prior strip search had just an officer in the room. Today, three other inmates could see me naked, squatting, and spreading. I could see them, too. I kept my eyes on the back wall - didn't look anywhere by at the wall. I didn't want to see anyone else. I imagine no one else wanted to see me, either. What a job the C.O.'s have that they have to look at hundreds of naked butts.
The strip search was well worth it, though! I had my first visitor - my sister-in-law (SIL). SIL is the same sister-in-law that I talked about in a much earlier post. I can't remember if I gave her a pseudonym, but for now on she's SIL. She's wonderful, loving, supportive, intelligent, and interesting. She made me laugh, listened to my stories, shared her stories, and purchased me food from the vending machines. I was not super hungry - so I ate a bag of sour cream and cheddar ruffles and drank a can of orange soda. Neither can I get in here. It was great. Next time, I told her I'm trying the pizza. Ha.
I know that she had to wait a bit to come in, but I don't know how long. It did not seem to be a full house today at visitation. Maybe 40 people had visitors today. Sad, since there are over 1,600 inmates! Maybe Saturdays are not as busy as Sundays. I don't know. Most facilities have Friday and Monday visitations as well, but not here. We can have visitors from 7-3 Saturdays and Sundays only. Actually, our visitors are escorted out at 2:45pm. SIL seemed to take in the entire experience well. I think it will freak out my parents a bit if they visit, but who knows.
Interestingly, I realized that another inmate at visitation is a woman I'd read a lot about prior to getting here. She's like the "poster child" of women's prisons (that is what she called herself while we were waiting to exit). She was an attorney that refused to cooperate with the authorities about her client who was accused of being a terrorist. She held her atty-client privilege and they locked her up. She is in end-stage cancer and has months (if that) left of her life. I guess she applied for compassionate release. Her application is with D.C. right now. So many interesting stories here. I am glad her family is able to come here and spend weekends with her.
Many of my fellow inmates tell me that they asked that no one visit while they are here. They think it would be hard to say, "goodbye," and would make them even more homesick. After having my visit today, I need to disagree with this statement. I know it is hard to see people we miss, but they need the visitations as much as we do. We need to remember that our families go through the reality of our incarceration at the same time we do. For example, I talked with T.S. this morning. She is doing alright starting college, but the adjustment and expected level of studying is difficult and she really misses having me there to talk with. I miss her everyday, but I do not have the ability to talk with her everyday. So, I just try to make our conversations count. I can't wait for her to visit me in December, when she is on break, though. Then, for hours, we can talk. I can be the parent-figure I've been to her for years. I can't wait to get home and be available all the time, but our families just want us around, period. Visits make that possible.
Sporty has been trying to visit for several weeks. She must fly here. However, her visitation form has not been approved yet. In fact, just SIL's form is approved so far. It can be quite the wait to have visitation forms approved. I highly recommend NOT making any travel arrangements until visitation approval is already received. It has been over 3 weeks for several of my friends/family so far. I think anyone listed on the PSR as family can have nearly automatic approval. Others may take time. SIL is on my PSR as family and that may be why her approval came so quickly. I am certainly glad it did. For 2 1/2 hours today, we were just the sisters we are and I was not just an inmate. Nothing can be better while incarcerated!
The strip search was well worth it, though! I had my first visitor - my sister-in-law (SIL). SIL is the same sister-in-law that I talked about in a much earlier post. I can't remember if I gave her a pseudonym, but for now on she's SIL. She's wonderful, loving, supportive, intelligent, and interesting. She made me laugh, listened to my stories, shared her stories, and purchased me food from the vending machines. I was not super hungry - so I ate a bag of sour cream and cheddar ruffles and drank a can of orange soda. Neither can I get in here. It was great. Next time, I told her I'm trying the pizza. Ha.
I know that she had to wait a bit to come in, but I don't know how long. It did not seem to be a full house today at visitation. Maybe 40 people had visitors today. Sad, since there are over 1,600 inmates! Maybe Saturdays are not as busy as Sundays. I don't know. Most facilities have Friday and Monday visitations as well, but not here. We can have visitors from 7-3 Saturdays and Sundays only. Actually, our visitors are escorted out at 2:45pm. SIL seemed to take in the entire experience well. I think it will freak out my parents a bit if they visit, but who knows.
Interestingly, I realized that another inmate at visitation is a woman I'd read a lot about prior to getting here. She's like the "poster child" of women's prisons (that is what she called herself while we were waiting to exit). She was an attorney that refused to cooperate with the authorities about her client who was accused of being a terrorist. She held her atty-client privilege and they locked her up. She is in end-stage cancer and has months (if that) left of her life. I guess she applied for compassionate release. Her application is with D.C. right now. So many interesting stories here. I am glad her family is able to come here and spend weekends with her.
Many of my fellow inmates tell me that they asked that no one visit while they are here. They think it would be hard to say, "goodbye," and would make them even more homesick. After having my visit today, I need to disagree with this statement. I know it is hard to see people we miss, but they need the visitations as much as we do. We need to remember that our families go through the reality of our incarceration at the same time we do. For example, I talked with T.S. this morning. She is doing alright starting college, but the adjustment and expected level of studying is difficult and she really misses having me there to talk with. I miss her everyday, but I do not have the ability to talk with her everyday. So, I just try to make our conversations count. I can't wait for her to visit me in December, when she is on break, though. Then, for hours, we can talk. I can be the parent-figure I've been to her for years. I can't wait to get home and be available all the time, but our families just want us around, period. Visits make that possible.
Sporty has been trying to visit for several weeks. She must fly here. However, her visitation form has not been approved yet. In fact, just SIL's form is approved so far. It can be quite the wait to have visitation forms approved. I highly recommend NOT making any travel arrangements until visitation approval is already received. It has been over 3 weeks for several of my friends/family so far. I think anyone listed on the PSR as family can have nearly automatic approval. Others may take time. SIL is on my PSR as family and that may be why her approval came so quickly. I am certainly glad it did. For 2 1/2 hours today, we were just the sisters we are and I was not just an inmate. Nothing can be better while incarcerated!
Saturday, September 21, 2013
From Dragonfly: Creative Projects
I mentioned in an earlier post about things we can do to keep ourselves occupied. One of those items are creative projects. The most popular projects I see are crocheting blankets, locker organizers, and pillow cases. I have never held a crochet hook in my life, but yesterday someone gave me a plastic hook. My goal is to learn a basic stitch, so that I can make myself a locker organizer. I am leaning on others for the bed blanket right now.
Locker organizers are made of plastic needle point backing that is cut and stitched in different ways to make pockets for items - such as pens, medication, notes, brush, etc. Every locker organizer looks different. At the top of the organizer a crocheted hanger is made to go around the top of the locker (holding it in place). The locker closes with the organizer placed inside the locker so everything is locked up safe.
In order to have any of these items, we have to fill out a project form at indoor rec. It is a simple form, but if you have a blanket or a locker organizer or a crocheted stuffed animal, etc and do not get the permit, they can be confiscated. It's so interesting to see what projects people make. I especially love the crocheted stuffed animals. Inmates send them home to their kids.
Another popular project is paining mugs/jugs. The true artists among us (not me) do this. We see mugs with Hello Kitty, Winnie the Pooh, Betty Boop, realistic self portraits, and much more painted on mugs and jugs. The jugs are HUGE and hold like 64oz of liquid. It's amazing the creativity some inmates have in making their beds and, even, their mugs look personal and special.
I have a water bottle that has my name on it written in bubble paint. That is the extent of my creativity SO FAR. However, I intend to leave here with the full bed set and locker organizers and I intend for at least most of it being done by yours truly. We will see how this turns out... I may have the holiest blanket on the unit!
Locker organizers are made of plastic needle point backing that is cut and stitched in different ways to make pockets for items - such as pens, medication, notes, brush, etc. Every locker organizer looks different. At the top of the organizer a crocheted hanger is made to go around the top of the locker (holding it in place). The locker closes with the organizer placed inside the locker so everything is locked up safe.
In order to have any of these items, we have to fill out a project form at indoor rec. It is a simple form, but if you have a blanket or a locker organizer or a crocheted stuffed animal, etc and do not get the permit, they can be confiscated. It's so interesting to see what projects people make. I especially love the crocheted stuffed animals. Inmates send them home to their kids.
Another popular project is paining mugs/jugs. The true artists among us (not me) do this. We see mugs with Hello Kitty, Winnie the Pooh, Betty Boop, realistic self portraits, and much more painted on mugs and jugs. The jugs are HUGE and hold like 64oz of liquid. It's amazing the creativity some inmates have in making their beds and, even, their mugs look personal and special.
I have a water bottle that has my name on it written in bubble paint. That is the extent of my creativity SO FAR. However, I intend to leave here with the full bed set and locker organizers and I intend for at least most of it being done by yours truly. We will see how this turns out... I may have the holiest blanket on the unit!
Thursday, September 19, 2013
From Dragonfly: A Night's Sleep
For some reason, whenever I receive bad news, I have a cycle. At first, I react emotionally. I do not tend to have a lot of anger, but I have a million emotions and thoughts going through my brain. I always reach out to others to discuss this and I also wrote here about all those thoughts.
Then, I go to sleep. I almost always wake up way too early after a bad news day, with stress and thoughts on my mind. This morning, I was awake by 4 a.m. Falling back asleep is useless, as my brain almost always has an answer, or at least a plan. Today, I woke up and knew my next steps.
I am going to respond to the letter I received yesterday. I am going to concentrate specifically on their charge of my not including a former employer on my resume for admission. I am going to point out that over the 8 year period of 2000-2008, I never worked just one job. In fact, I worked in non-profits as a consultant and/or employee with over 60 non-profits, including during the time I worked at the employment in question. I did not include all these jobs. Instead, I lumped them together and was honest in describing my work over that period of time. The work was not relevant to my application for admission, really just a side-note, as the relevant work I had done was put separately and individually on the resume. Had the job been listed on my resume, it would not have affected my admission. The non-profit in question was not well known beyond the community I lived in. What got me in to my program was my other work, in the academic community, and my personal statement. All of which was true. I will speak of the work on recovery I did over the 2 1/2 years prior to my admission and how that prepared me to undertake the role of a graduate student. I will highlight my successes since starting at my school, showing that I was ready and capable for study and work. These are the truth and respond directly to the allegations.
I will offer to send a copy of my PSR, since they are sitting on my indictment. I will also offer to send a copy of my more than 30 letters of support that was provided to the judge in my sentencing, to show who I am as a person today.
That will be my proper response. I will write several drafts. I will fight for my place and my goals.
Then, I go to sleep. I almost always wake up way too early after a bad news day, with stress and thoughts on my mind. This morning, I was awake by 4 a.m. Falling back asleep is useless, as my brain almost always has an answer, or at least a plan. Today, I woke up and knew my next steps.
I am going to respond to the letter I received yesterday. I am going to concentrate specifically on their charge of my not including a former employer on my resume for admission. I am going to point out that over the 8 year period of 2000-2008, I never worked just one job. In fact, I worked in non-profits as a consultant and/or employee with over 60 non-profits, including during the time I worked at the employment in question. I did not include all these jobs. Instead, I lumped them together and was honest in describing my work over that period of time. The work was not relevant to my application for admission, really just a side-note, as the relevant work I had done was put separately and individually on the resume. Had the job been listed on my resume, it would not have affected my admission. The non-profit in question was not well known beyond the community I lived in. What got me in to my program was my other work, in the academic community, and my personal statement. All of which was true. I will speak of the work on recovery I did over the 2 1/2 years prior to my admission and how that prepared me to undertake the role of a graduate student. I will highlight my successes since starting at my school, showing that I was ready and capable for study and work. These are the truth and respond directly to the allegations.
I will offer to send a copy of my PSR, since they are sitting on my indictment. I will also offer to send a copy of my more than 30 letters of support that was provided to the judge in my sentencing, to show who I am as a person today.
That will be my proper response. I will write several drafts. I will fight for my place and my goals.
From Dragonfly: A Little Hope(less)
I always try to be positive, but am unable to do so at the moment. Not that some okay things haven't happened since I last wrote. I was called into the Education Department on Monday morning and told that I would be taking over as Head Tutor that moment in a classroom with that educator who told me off last week. She didn't know about my hire until today (because she is out sick quite a bit). So, I love having the job and working with the students, but there is stress with her anger at the fact that her last tutors were fired and I was hired in their place without her say. She has lost her say in hiring decisions, but this puts me at a very high level of expectations. My issues are not with my new job, however.
Have you ever been in that position where you think you know your path and that you think you are doing the right next thing, but, somehow, life throws you for a loop and you are lost? That's me at this moment. I'm not as lost as I was in 2008, when losing everything put me on the brink of killing myself and I had a deep belief that I was "broken." I'm not there, because my recovery and therapy from addiction helped me come to terms with what "broke" me and how to be okay with who I am (including my prior bad acts I did while under the reality of addiction). I am a constant work in progress and believe that every new day is a chance to learn something new and be just a little bit better. Hard to do in prison, but I try, nonetheless.
My favorite time of the day is always "mail call." I did not receive much today - except for a letter. A letter from my University. A letter from the Dean of my Graduate School. All those things that were told to me just two months ago, about my support and that I had a home at my school. It's all crashing down. That leak in my friends who decided to break my trust and send my indictment to others. The others who bullied me and kept the indictment moving forward. The advisor who was my biggest advocate, who decided could not support me anymore. All of it based on an indictment that speaks of one sides case and so much was not even in my plea. Now, my University is questioning whether my admission will be rescinded. I have until October 12th (or earlier because mail from here takes time) to respond to the allegations that I should not be a student at my school because I did not share this prior employment on my resume. I know that you do not have to share every job ever worked on your resume, as long as the resume speaks the truth. My resume does. It also doesn't include the day I worked at a cell phone graveyard (long story), the six months I served as a paralegal (not relevant to anything), etc. Everything on my application resume was true, but I left off the position that I was terminated from. It was an old position by the time I applied to my school. I had three jobs that were more recent and relevant (whereas my prior job was not relevant) to the field of study I was applying to. I can fight these accusations, but then I question, "why?" I mean I LOVE school and I LOVE what I do and I am GOOD at it. But, I will only return to a school that does not want me there, a department that will not support me. I don't know how I would be able to put together a guidance committee, find a new advisor, or receive recommendations when I graduate.
At the same time, the right thing to do is fight. My crime occurred in 2008. I applied to my school in late 2010. I have not gambled since 2008. I have not done a bad act since that time either. I lost two careers - my legal career and my non-profit career - due to my crime. I turned to education. Education promises second chances for adults. There are programs for ex-offenders to get into higher education. Somehow, because my crime affects people emotionally (I hurt a community I love and that supported me greatly), they cannot see beyond the bad acts. These are people who have only known me in recovery. People who have seen me give back and help others. Who I am today seems to not matter.
I do not know how I am supposed to look forward to release when I am losing something I love and have committed myself to. If I do fight, I could win. What then? Do I change programs in my institution? Sporty and T.S. just moved to where my school is. T.S. is a student there and Sporty is getting a job there. She is setting up the home I will return to after I am released. I only live there because of school. School provides me inspiration, my job, my health insurance, everything. Should I really just be flipping burgers? Am I not worthy to be a professor because of my past? Am I not worthy of obtaining my PhD, even though I have a good gpa and have shown myself a good researcher and educator? Should my gifts be wasted because of my past?
It is times like right now that I wish I had my G.A. meetings. I wish I had the ability to surround myself by my incredible friends and community. I question my higher power. I don't question his existence, I question what I am supposed to do and why this is happening all over again. Most people in G.A. may lose everything once. For me, I'm losing it all again, even though I never placed another bet nor continued my prior bad acts. Is there a purpose for all of this? Am I supposed to fight? Am I supposed to just give in?
I don't think I should give in. I think, at the very least, I need to write back and speak my truth. I may include a copy of my pre-sentence report (which a friend will have to send to them because I have no access to any documents). At least in the PSR, it is two sided. It talks about all the work I've done on myself. It mentions that I have done everything a person could do to ensure they never commit another crime. Yet, the school is interested in why my resume did not include that one job. I have a defense for that. I find it unfair that I am having to fight this within the confines of prison, rather than their waiting for my release. So powerless, I feel.
I know, this is a rambling writing. I apologize. Sometimes, you just need to get it all out. I tried calling friends. None answered. I hadn't been able to get into email for a while (technical difficulties while installing thumbprint readers for security). I don't like that this is the first message I am writing. But, sometimes, I can't just show my observations. Life is about feeling the emotions of what is happening and going through it (in addiction I was all about avoidance). I cannot avoid the situations I am currently presented with. I must face them all - sometimes at the same time. It is hard. It is emotional. It is lonely. It causes sadness, anger, fear, and so much more. I must live this one day at a time. I must trust in the truth and maintain my HOPE, even when feeling hopeless. I know, I'm a contradiction. And, that's where I am today - a not so good day.
Have you ever been in that position where you think you know your path and that you think you are doing the right next thing, but, somehow, life throws you for a loop and you are lost? That's me at this moment. I'm not as lost as I was in 2008, when losing everything put me on the brink of killing myself and I had a deep belief that I was "broken." I'm not there, because my recovery and therapy from addiction helped me come to terms with what "broke" me and how to be okay with who I am (including my prior bad acts I did while under the reality of addiction). I am a constant work in progress and believe that every new day is a chance to learn something new and be just a little bit better. Hard to do in prison, but I try, nonetheless.
My favorite time of the day is always "mail call." I did not receive much today - except for a letter. A letter from my University. A letter from the Dean of my Graduate School. All those things that were told to me just two months ago, about my support and that I had a home at my school. It's all crashing down. That leak in my friends who decided to break my trust and send my indictment to others. The others who bullied me and kept the indictment moving forward. The advisor who was my biggest advocate, who decided could not support me anymore. All of it based on an indictment that speaks of one sides case and so much was not even in my plea. Now, my University is questioning whether my admission will be rescinded. I have until October 12th (or earlier because mail from here takes time) to respond to the allegations that I should not be a student at my school because I did not share this prior employment on my resume. I know that you do not have to share every job ever worked on your resume, as long as the resume speaks the truth. My resume does. It also doesn't include the day I worked at a cell phone graveyard (long story), the six months I served as a paralegal (not relevant to anything), etc. Everything on my application resume was true, but I left off the position that I was terminated from. It was an old position by the time I applied to my school. I had three jobs that were more recent and relevant (whereas my prior job was not relevant) to the field of study I was applying to. I can fight these accusations, but then I question, "why?" I mean I LOVE school and I LOVE what I do and I am GOOD at it. But, I will only return to a school that does not want me there, a department that will not support me. I don't know how I would be able to put together a guidance committee, find a new advisor, or receive recommendations when I graduate.
At the same time, the right thing to do is fight. My crime occurred in 2008. I applied to my school in late 2010. I have not gambled since 2008. I have not done a bad act since that time either. I lost two careers - my legal career and my non-profit career - due to my crime. I turned to education. Education promises second chances for adults. There are programs for ex-offenders to get into higher education. Somehow, because my crime affects people emotionally (I hurt a community I love and that supported me greatly), they cannot see beyond the bad acts. These are people who have only known me in recovery. People who have seen me give back and help others. Who I am today seems to not matter.
I do not know how I am supposed to look forward to release when I am losing something I love and have committed myself to. If I do fight, I could win. What then? Do I change programs in my institution? Sporty and T.S. just moved to where my school is. T.S. is a student there and Sporty is getting a job there. She is setting up the home I will return to after I am released. I only live there because of school. School provides me inspiration, my job, my health insurance, everything. Should I really just be flipping burgers? Am I not worthy to be a professor because of my past? Am I not worthy of obtaining my PhD, even though I have a good gpa and have shown myself a good researcher and educator? Should my gifts be wasted because of my past?
It is times like right now that I wish I had my G.A. meetings. I wish I had the ability to surround myself by my incredible friends and community. I question my higher power. I don't question his existence, I question what I am supposed to do and why this is happening all over again. Most people in G.A. may lose everything once. For me, I'm losing it all again, even though I never placed another bet nor continued my prior bad acts. Is there a purpose for all of this? Am I supposed to fight? Am I supposed to just give in?
I don't think I should give in. I think, at the very least, I need to write back and speak my truth. I may include a copy of my pre-sentence report (which a friend will have to send to them because I have no access to any documents). At least in the PSR, it is two sided. It talks about all the work I've done on myself. It mentions that I have done everything a person could do to ensure they never commit another crime. Yet, the school is interested in why my resume did not include that one job. I have a defense for that. I find it unfair that I am having to fight this within the confines of prison, rather than their waiting for my release. So powerless, I feel.
I know, this is a rambling writing. I apologize. Sometimes, you just need to get it all out. I tried calling friends. None answered. I hadn't been able to get into email for a while (technical difficulties while installing thumbprint readers for security). I don't like that this is the first message I am writing. But, sometimes, I can't just show my observations. Life is about feeling the emotions of what is happening and going through it (in addiction I was all about avoidance). I cannot avoid the situations I am currently presented with. I must face them all - sometimes at the same time. It is hard. It is emotional. It is lonely. It causes sadness, anger, fear, and so much more. I must live this one day at a time. I must trust in the truth and maintain my HOPE, even when feeling hopeless. I know, I'm a contradiction. And, that's where I am today - a not so good day.
Sunday, September 15, 2013
From Dragonfly: Entertainment Options
So, what do us inmates do when we are not working, standing in pill line, or in our rooms sleeping or awaiting count? Every facility is different, but here there are some options. First, there is indoor rec. At indoor rec, they have pool tables, games, work out equipment, aerobic and yoga type classes, craft classes, opportunities to order your own craft supplies, cd's to listen to, and some inmate programs (like weight loss). Most nights, the facility is packed with people playing cards, pool, and attending classes. I ordered some craft supplies from indoor rec and should receive the package in about 45-60 days from now. Nothing happens fast. I want to design my own cards to send out.
Another option is the outdoor rec center. There, inmates can borrow basketballs, softballs and mitts, outdoor yoga/stretching mats, walk the track, play on a softball league (I hear that there will be volleyball and soccer leagues as well), horse shoes, and more outdoor style items. The softball league is SUPER popular here, with games not only against different housing units and teams by inmates, but also an outside team comes once in a while and plays the all-star players. At big games, about half the inmates are either playing or watching. The heat and sun have kept me away (because my medication makes me very sensitive to the sun).
Third, there is this email room - TruLinks. TruLinks is a timed time on the messaging service. It is not really email, as nothing can be attached and every message is monitored ("hello" to whomever is monitoring this message). This is true for emails coming in or going out. However, each inmate can spend approximately 1 hour on TruLinks if they have funds (5 cents/min) and time.
Fourth, the compound yard is quite popular. There is an area with covered picnic style tables, tables that are not covered, and numerous benches. As long is it is not "inmate recall" or bad weather, the outdoor space is usually filled with women talking, laughing, brushing/braiding hair, avoiding bird droppings, checking out women walking by, fighting, and more. I only sit outside when I have to wait for the unit doors to be unlocked.
The libraries are another option. There is a room that has the law library (all computerized) and the regular library. We can check out up to 4 books at a time. Most of the titles are older, but they do receive newer titles now and then. We cannot donate the books we receive from the outside and finish reading, which is a bummer. The law library computers offer DOP policies and the U.S. code and decisions of the federal courts. They do not have state court/law information. That's difficult for some, as they have state charges pending and cannot conduct any research on their issues at times. Since we have access to cases, anyone here who ever appealed their case is free reign to read about, so people will know exactly their crimes and punishment. There is also a Chapel library. There are more books for check-out there - they all have some religious undertones and there is fiction and non-fiction available. None of the libraries are large, but an inmate would have a lot of reading options before running out of books to consider. Reading is my favorite activity that I do A LOT!!!
Religious Services also offers other options, in addition to the library. They have a lot of videos, dvd's, and cd's (all religiously based) for inmates to check-out and watch on one of several screen options. There are cubbies, where an inmate must wear headphones to hear their movie - meant for one watcher at a time. There are also two rooms that sometimes are available, where several people can sit together and watch a movie on a larger television with sound. I've watched one movie here so far. However, since it is the Jewish Holidays, I may check-out Yent'l (a favorite of mine) for a 2 hour break in my day. On some Sundays, Religious Services airs one of their movies in the chapel for inmates to watch. This institution does not offer regular "movie nights" like many other facilities do.
In the Unit, there are 6 televisions. Four require radios and headphones to hear and two are in smallish rooms with sound available. One room is only for sports/news. People "sign up" to be in charge of a television on some day at some time. I have not done so yet. However, a group of us wants to watch "Big Bang Theory," so we are hoping that one of us can get close enough in line to get a Thursday night television for a couple hours. Yesterday was the first time, ever, that I watched television in my unit. I watched a little bit of a cheesy Lifetime movie and then watched the Wisconsin/Arizona State football game with Freckles. I realized that I need to get my school football schedule to see when I may be able to watch the games on ESPN or ESPN2. It would be nice to have a little bit of home for a short while here. Maybe I'll see someone in the stands I know!
Other than the above options, a lot of people spend time napping, writing, doing their crafts (needle point, knitting, crocheting, card designing, and more). Others do things they should not (against the rules). I've seen people getting their haircut in the unit (it is only allowed in the cosmo school), doing tattoos in very unsafe ways (needle and ink), engaging in relationship activities, and more. Some people go in and out of the SHU quite a lot due to their need to go against the rules. In the SHU, you lose access to nearly all activities.
I'm sure I've missed some things on this listing, but it's what I could come up with this morning. Days that start before 6am are tough on my thinking! I miss sleeping in!!! However, when I am not sleeping, at least there are "some" options for me to be busy (even if I don't take advantage of every option). For me, I do a lot of low-key things and try to stay away from crowds or trouble. I figure it is my best option for getting out of here the quickest way possible.
Another option is the outdoor rec center. There, inmates can borrow basketballs, softballs and mitts, outdoor yoga/stretching mats, walk the track, play on a softball league (I hear that there will be volleyball and soccer leagues as well), horse shoes, and more outdoor style items. The softball league is SUPER popular here, with games not only against different housing units and teams by inmates, but also an outside team comes once in a while and plays the all-star players. At big games, about half the inmates are either playing or watching. The heat and sun have kept me away (because my medication makes me very sensitive to the sun).
Third, there is this email room - TruLinks. TruLinks is a timed time on the messaging service. It is not really email, as nothing can be attached and every message is monitored ("hello" to whomever is monitoring this message). This is true for emails coming in or going out. However, each inmate can spend approximately 1 hour on TruLinks if they have funds (5 cents/min) and time.
Fourth, the compound yard is quite popular. There is an area with covered picnic style tables, tables that are not covered, and numerous benches. As long is it is not "inmate recall" or bad weather, the outdoor space is usually filled with women talking, laughing, brushing/braiding hair, avoiding bird droppings, checking out women walking by, fighting, and more. I only sit outside when I have to wait for the unit doors to be unlocked.
The libraries are another option. There is a room that has the law library (all computerized) and the regular library. We can check out up to 4 books at a time. Most of the titles are older, but they do receive newer titles now and then. We cannot donate the books we receive from the outside and finish reading, which is a bummer. The law library computers offer DOP policies and the U.S. code and decisions of the federal courts. They do not have state court/law information. That's difficult for some, as they have state charges pending and cannot conduct any research on their issues at times. Since we have access to cases, anyone here who ever appealed their case is free reign to read about, so people will know exactly their crimes and punishment. There is also a Chapel library. There are more books for check-out there - they all have some religious undertones and there is fiction and non-fiction available. None of the libraries are large, but an inmate would have a lot of reading options before running out of books to consider. Reading is my favorite activity that I do A LOT!!!
Religious Services also offers other options, in addition to the library. They have a lot of videos, dvd's, and cd's (all religiously based) for inmates to check-out and watch on one of several screen options. There are cubbies, where an inmate must wear headphones to hear their movie - meant for one watcher at a time. There are also two rooms that sometimes are available, where several people can sit together and watch a movie on a larger television with sound. I've watched one movie here so far. However, since it is the Jewish Holidays, I may check-out Yent'l (a favorite of mine) for a 2 hour break in my day. On some Sundays, Religious Services airs one of their movies in the chapel for inmates to watch. This institution does not offer regular "movie nights" like many other facilities do.
In the Unit, there are 6 televisions. Four require radios and headphones to hear and two are in smallish rooms with sound available. One room is only for sports/news. People "sign up" to be in charge of a television on some day at some time. I have not done so yet. However, a group of us wants to watch "Big Bang Theory," so we are hoping that one of us can get close enough in line to get a Thursday night television for a couple hours. Yesterday was the first time, ever, that I watched television in my unit. I watched a little bit of a cheesy Lifetime movie and then watched the Wisconsin/Arizona State football game with Freckles. I realized that I need to get my school football schedule to see when I may be able to watch the games on ESPN or ESPN2. It would be nice to have a little bit of home for a short while here. Maybe I'll see someone in the stands I know!
Other than the above options, a lot of people spend time napping, writing, doing their crafts (needle point, knitting, crocheting, card designing, and more). Others do things they should not (against the rules). I've seen people getting their haircut in the unit (it is only allowed in the cosmo school), doing tattoos in very unsafe ways (needle and ink), engaging in relationship activities, and more. Some people go in and out of the SHU quite a lot due to their need to go against the rules. In the SHU, you lose access to nearly all activities.
I'm sure I've missed some things on this listing, but it's what I could come up with this morning. Days that start before 6am are tough on my thinking! I miss sleeping in!!! However, when I am not sleeping, at least there are "some" options for me to be busy (even if I don't take advantage of every option). For me, I do a lot of low-key things and try to stay away from crowds or trouble. I figure it is my best option for getting out of here the quickest way possible.
Saturday, September 14, 2013
From Dragonfly: New Room, Continued
I had to break in the last post. When an announcement is made saying, "Inmate Recall," it matters not what we are doing, we must all immediately go back to our units. Sometimes, we are told why, most of the time we are not. Sometimes it is because someone from super max has to be brought on the grounds for some reason (medical, trial, etc.). Other times, it is the staff needing a break from inmates to have a "going away" party for another staff member, or something like that. Sometimes it is just because we need to have a meeting. Regardless, "inmate recall" is important and failure to accommodate their request can result in time in the SHU.
So, my new room. I explained the dimensions already. I have three roommates, all who've been here a while. One, Bandana, has been here 12 years (since she was 19 years old) and has some major anger issues (which she immediately told me about). My lesson, do not touch her stuff or get on her bad side. Period. Another, Army (a 22 year Army vet), seems kind, and is either out with her friends or has her earphones on all the time. The one who is my bunky, Braids, is also out of the room most of the time. Thing is, manners don't really exist in prison, and in a space of 75 sq. ft., it is hard when people are rude to one another. Given the lessons I learned in my prior room, I'm keeping to myself and reading or writing. It is no guarantee, but this is likely my room for the rest of my time here. I am still doing meals and spending time with South and Danbury. I hope that continues.
I did not have any quality time with my roomies last night. I had "extra duty" (cleaning the unit) for 2 hours because I was talking with Chi and didn't notice it was 4pm and we MUST be in our room at 4pm. I was about 10' away. Oops. Chi and I both got "extra duty." After an hour of cleaning clean walls, I talked to the C.O. about allowing me to complete my second hour his next night on duty (Monday). I think he could take one look at me and see that I was about to faint (flushed, sweaty, etc.). He agreed. One hour is do-able. Two hours on my feet trying to hold a mop up against the wall is nearly impossible for me. My shoulder joints were so inflamed. Kind of crazy that the extra duty here is not "accessible" for people with medical issues - since this IS a medical facility. I did fall asleep pretty well last night, though. Exhaustion will do that.
Oh, one more update. Yesterday morning, I was told NOT to seek any employment outside of education. They definitely want me as a tutor. Freckles had started before me and she's good too, so it was the right decision to hire her in the classroom I was in. But, there are two more instructors seeking tutors AND that instructor who was super rude to me the other night, well, BOTH of her tutors were fired by the instructor's supervisor yesterday and she is no longer allowed to hire her own tutors. I don't know the story in full, but I know that at some point soon, I will likely work in some classroom in education. That is good enough for me. Never give up HOPE!
So, my new room. I explained the dimensions already. I have three roommates, all who've been here a while. One, Bandana, has been here 12 years (since she was 19 years old) and has some major anger issues (which she immediately told me about). My lesson, do not touch her stuff or get on her bad side. Period. Another, Army (a 22 year Army vet), seems kind, and is either out with her friends or has her earphones on all the time. The one who is my bunky, Braids, is also out of the room most of the time. Thing is, manners don't really exist in prison, and in a space of 75 sq. ft., it is hard when people are rude to one another. Given the lessons I learned in my prior room, I'm keeping to myself and reading or writing. It is no guarantee, but this is likely my room for the rest of my time here. I am still doing meals and spending time with South and Danbury. I hope that continues.
I did not have any quality time with my roomies last night. I had "extra duty" (cleaning the unit) for 2 hours because I was talking with Chi and didn't notice it was 4pm and we MUST be in our room at 4pm. I was about 10' away. Oops. Chi and I both got "extra duty." After an hour of cleaning clean walls, I talked to the C.O. about allowing me to complete my second hour his next night on duty (Monday). I think he could take one look at me and see that I was about to faint (flushed, sweaty, etc.). He agreed. One hour is do-able. Two hours on my feet trying to hold a mop up against the wall is nearly impossible for me. My shoulder joints were so inflamed. Kind of crazy that the extra duty here is not "accessible" for people with medical issues - since this IS a medical facility. I did fall asleep pretty well last night, though. Exhaustion will do that.
Oh, one more update. Yesterday morning, I was told NOT to seek any employment outside of education. They definitely want me as a tutor. Freckles had started before me and she's good too, so it was the right decision to hire her in the classroom I was in. But, there are two more instructors seeking tutors AND that instructor who was super rude to me the other night, well, BOTH of her tutors were fired by the instructor's supervisor yesterday and she is no longer allowed to hire her own tutors. I don't know the story in full, but I know that at some point soon, I will likely work in some classroom in education. That is good enough for me. Never give up HOPE!
From Dragonfly: I've Been Moved
Last night, the counselor in my unit held a "town hall." As part of this meeting (which none of us could fully hear due to his turning each direction and when we were in the other direction we couldn't hear much), our counselor informed us that anyone who is not paying their FRP (Financial Responsibility Program) for their court fees or restitution will be moved. The place they go is the Bus Stop, so that meant that those in the bus stop who are not trouble makers and are paying their FRP were to be moved. For some reason, South was left in the bus stop (but she pays her FRP and is most definitely NOT a trouble maker). I was happy to be moving away from the drama, but alas we can not select our new room and there are many rooms in prison with trouble-makers and drama! Some people did not luck out with their new rooms. I'm in a better situation, I think.
All the rooms, except the bus stop, have two bunks (four people) and are approximately 10' long and 7.5'. They were built for 2 people. There is no room for two people to be between the bunks at the same time bending down to get shoes or in their lockers, but it's okay. I have a window to the outside world!!!! It has thick bars, but I can see nature. I can also see barbed wire and fencing, but the natural light is wonderful. The room is also much darker at night, except for a large light outside our window that makes the room glow orange.
The move was rather difficult on my body, getting everything down to the first floor (no more 24 steps up and down) and getting everything set up in my locker (somehow in less than 1 month, I've filled my locker to capacity!).
Inmate recall. Must end this here.
All the rooms, except the bus stop, have two bunks (four people) and are approximately 10' long and 7.5'. They were built for 2 people. There is no room for two people to be between the bunks at the same time bending down to get shoes or in their lockers, but it's okay. I have a window to the outside world!!!! It has thick bars, but I can see nature. I can also see barbed wire and fencing, but the natural light is wonderful. The room is also much darker at night, except for a large light outside our window that makes the room glow orange.
The move was rather difficult on my body, getting everything down to the first floor (no more 24 steps up and down) and getting everything set up in my locker (somehow in less than 1 month, I've filled my locker to capacity!).
Inmate recall. Must end this here.
Friday, September 13, 2013
Letter Mailed Home to Survivor
In a later post - after I am home - I state that I will post some of my letters home on the date that they were written. I post everything from the letter except for things that are personal about the person I am writing that is not relevant to the experience of myself or prison. In the letters I may not have used their pseudonyms - however that is changed for the purpose to keep this blog consistent and to keep everyone anonymous as always. Other than those few changes for the purposes of consistency and anonymity, everything listed here is exactly as it it written in the letter - including how I used shorthand or symbols. Some things may be similar to what I write in prior/later blogs. Other things I may not have written at the time on the blog because I knew it was being monitored. I take photos of any images and include that as well.
9/13/13
Hi Survivor,
I've thought a lot about you today. I wonder if something is happening to you or your family that is putting you at the forefront of my brain - or maybe it is just that I miss you!
I have a new room! The whole room is 10' long and 7 1/2 ' wide. About 2' separate the 2 bunk beds - four people in 75 square ft. Here's a diagram: Room 140 in Unit 1 South (first floor)
9/13/13
Hi Survivor,
I've thought a lot about you today. I wonder if something is happening to you or your family that is putting you at the forefront of my brain - or maybe it is just that I miss you!
I have a new room! The whole room is 10' long and 7 1/2 ' wide. About 2' separate the 2 bunk beds - four people in 75 square ft. Here's a diagram: Room 140 in Unit 1 South (first floor)
They moved 4 of us out of the bus stop to make room for the people who are not paying their frp (restitution payments) due to lack of finds or being an frp rejector.
Unfortunately South is still stuck in the bus stop and she is not happy about it, but she does not complain. It's going to be hard not having her nearby - as we have really supported one another a lot. Since I'm housed on the first floor, I can't go on the second floor so there's few ways for her and I to communicate. My new roommates I don't know, but they are named ***, ****, and *****. Not good that my name rhymes with 2 of my roommates.
I do not have a great window view. I see the indoor center and a lot of perimeter fencing (a constant reminder that I am locked in). My window faces east. The bars on it are thick and grey - yep, I'm behind bars... But, a new adventure starts with this move. There's no guarantee that I'll be in this room permanently - nor my roommates, so it's all a day at a time.
I'm having a blanket crocheted for me. It's going to be brown, ayran, and possibly burgundy. I figured I can take it home with me and it will go will with my room or the living room.
In 10 minutes, 8:45 pm, I have to check-in for "extra duty" - meaning I have to clean the unit from 8:45- 11pm, except for standing count (which I do not have to stand outside my room for anymore, just inside). I was talking with Chi in the hall & didn't realize it was 4pm - which means we both have extra duty tonight. People with extra duty have to wash walls, floors, etc. I let the C.O. know that I can't stand the full 2 hrs & need a job that accommodates that. We will see. I keep getting in trouble for not knowing rules... Must go.
Love,
Dragonfly
From Dragonfly: Good News
Not the best news (which would be an earlier out date), but good news for my health. I was on the "call out" to the nurse this morning and thought it was to once again do my vitals. But, instead, it was the injection group. I am OFFICIALLY getting my enbryl on Mondays and Fridays (starting today). I have no reference for how the medication finally got approved (as it was denied formally by the DOP central medical offices twice).
My guess is one of two things. The first is that they took the 26 vials of blood from me a couple weeks ago. Depending on the results, perhaps that supported the change in approval for enbryl (it will take another 1-2 months before I actually see those results). The second possible reason is that nice Jewish prisoner organization I reached out to prior to self-surrendering. They had said that they would advocate for my medication and my friend, Faith, took it on to contact them when I was not approved. It is possible that their contacts with the regional or central offices got me approval. There's no way for me to know which item, or whether both, worked. All I can say is that I will have way less fatigue, sweating episodes, and pain because of this change. It makes me very happy.
On a negative note, having this medication may keep me a "level 4" medical inmate and not allow me the earlier release (where I have to be a level "2"). I will still talk with the nurse next week to see what I need to do to get my medical level down. According to the different level descriptions, I should fit into a level 2 hands down. Level 4 is for inmates who need constant medical attention and assistance with their daily needs (dressing, washing, etc.). I am not that ill and hope they will see that. But, one day at a time on all this. Today is already starting better than the last couple days.
My guess is one of two things. The first is that they took the 26 vials of blood from me a couple weeks ago. Depending on the results, perhaps that supported the change in approval for enbryl (it will take another 1-2 months before I actually see those results). The second possible reason is that nice Jewish prisoner organization I reached out to prior to self-surrendering. They had said that they would advocate for my medication and my friend, Faith, took it on to contact them when I was not approved. It is possible that their contacts with the regional or central offices got me approval. There's no way for me to know which item, or whether both, worked. All I can say is that I will have way less fatigue, sweating episodes, and pain because of this change. It makes me very happy.
On a negative note, having this medication may keep me a "level 4" medical inmate and not allow me the earlier release (where I have to be a level "2"). I will still talk with the nurse next week to see what I need to do to get my medical level down. According to the different level descriptions, I should fit into a level 2 hands down. Level 4 is for inmates who need constant medical attention and assistance with their daily needs (dressing, washing, etc.). I am not that ill and hope they will see that. But, one day at a time on all this. Today is already starting better than the last couple days.
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