I grew up in a home, where my mom got Reader's Digest monthly. After reading it, she would put it on a shelf in the den. We had a shelf full of Reader's Digest magazines. I never opened one of them to see what was inside. I have no idea if it is like it was when it started in the 1920's or if it has changed a lot over the years, but I recently received my second monthly issue, and must say, it is the perfect reading for someone in prison. Why?
It is full of laughter! This last issue had over 100 funny stories, jokes, cartoons and more. These were not "stupid" humor items, but the kind of comedy I like - smart humor. Some were so good, I laughed out loud and/or shared them with my roommates.
The reading is quick. The digest is full of short stories, articles, and and commentaries. These are easy to pick up and read while waiting in line for the clinic, waiting for stand-up count, or for some, waiting in pill line.
The magazine has a lot of content. While each story is relatively short, there's a lot of it. It's not a magazine you look through for 30 minutes and put down. For me, it took me two days to ingest all the great materials.
Speaking of which, the non-joke material is wonderful to read. They have sections of books, personal stories, and educational stories. For example, I just read a wonderful story written by a mother who lost her young son in the Sandy Hook Elementary shooting. I also read a piece about 10 things that make your home a home (family, art, etc.). I read something about signs someone may have a stroke (did you know that a crease in your earlobe may be a telltale sign?). The content is interesting, covers many topics, and is well written. Even the ads are interesting (I loved one that had a thumbprint and it was full of about 100 funny sayings). Okay, I do admit, I'm dying for good entertainment and reading materials (prison sucks, if you didn't know that).
Now, I certainly do not work for Reader's Digest. I am getting no "kick-back" for this plug for the magazine. I'm just saying it may be a magazine to start re-looking at - and a great one to send loved ones in prison.
Saturday, November 9, 2013
From Dragonfly: Inmate.com
Inmate.com is the rumor mill. The first time I heard an inmate say that they heard something on inmate.com, I asked, "where do I access that?" Okay, I am gullible. All it means is that it's going around as a rumor. All sorts of things are on inmate.com. There's news of an inmate recall (which is only usually 20% accurate), sending people home (which is only about 10% accurate), transferring a lot of people to other facilities (which is about 45% accurate), health scares (which is usually about 99% accurate), fights (which is about 100% accurate), new items in commissary (about 70% accurate), well, you get the idea. There are constant rumors. We always hear about C.O.'s having affairs with inmates (probably about 0.1% accurate). But the rumors that really bother me, are the rumors about grandiose opportunities upon our release.
From early in my time here in Carswell, I started to hear the rumors. Inmates from all walks of life talk about them. The first rumor is that once we are released from prison, we can go to social security, file some documents about PTSD from prison, and have like $1,600 within a couple days. If something sounds too good to be true, it probably is!
Another is that we automatically qualify for disability upon release. Well, that is true for those who were on disability PRIOR to imprisonment, but not so much for the general population. Again, too good to be true.
People say that social security will put us on their rolls. Ummm, social security starts at age 65, so for most of us, we wouldn't even qualify. Too good...
Finally, there's a rumor on inmate.com that we are eligible for a government grant for up to $16,000 to help us start our own business. Does anyone realize we are criminals? The government is not going to just hand us money - UNLESS we continue our manipulative ways and do, yet, another illegal thing. Money is not just handed to ex-felons. (Oh, there is the possibility of $100 given to us as we head home --- but that's all).
So, I decided to research all the above items. I asked friends at home to do research and I went to the library and read books about getting started again, once released from prison. I can now verify that inmate.com is wrong when it comes to beliefs about "free money" upon release from prison. We need to find jobs, pay our own rent, feed ourselves, and take care of our own families. Oh, and pay our restitution.
That's not to say that some states may have special programs, but that would be state to state, so I cannot verify whether it's true or not. Also, there are federal programs we can APPLY for and possibly QUALIFY for. These include food stamps, welfare, unemployment, disability, emergency funding, emergency housing, and more. However, these are not guaranteed, some of these programs are only going to be for families with children, and nothing will happen overnight. That's one of the reasons almost all inmates go through a halfway house prior to full community re-entry.
I, also, read in a book that some states, not sure if it is most states or not, will not allow anyone still on supervised released to live in Section 8 housing. Many people here come from section 8 housing, so this may surprise them. Also, at least New York (I couldn't find books on other states yesterday), will not allow anyone to live in section 8 housing until they are off supervision AND done paying their restitution. Had that been my only option, it would have been closed to me, as the amount of my restitution is beyond my ability to pay off without a good job. Since section 8 is a federal program, I imagine New York's rules are similar to those in other states.
Don't be too discouraged, though. I did hear a news story this morning about a new home being built for women just recently released from prison. There are places like that throughout the country. There are community programs that help us. There are food pantries to feed us. Many of us have family and friends to help us out until we get ourselves settled. I just request that people think through what inmate.com is saying. If it sounds too good to be true (i.e. "they are sending 800 of us home within two months") it probably is too good to be true!
From early in my time here in Carswell, I started to hear the rumors. Inmates from all walks of life talk about them. The first rumor is that once we are released from prison, we can go to social security, file some documents about PTSD from prison, and have like $1,600 within a couple days. If something sounds too good to be true, it probably is!
Another is that we automatically qualify for disability upon release. Well, that is true for those who were on disability PRIOR to imprisonment, but not so much for the general population. Again, too good to be true.
People say that social security will put us on their rolls. Ummm, social security starts at age 65, so for most of us, we wouldn't even qualify. Too good...
Finally, there's a rumor on inmate.com that we are eligible for a government grant for up to $16,000 to help us start our own business. Does anyone realize we are criminals? The government is not going to just hand us money - UNLESS we continue our manipulative ways and do, yet, another illegal thing. Money is not just handed to ex-felons. (Oh, there is the possibility of $100 given to us as we head home --- but that's all).
So, I decided to research all the above items. I asked friends at home to do research and I went to the library and read books about getting started again, once released from prison. I can now verify that inmate.com is wrong when it comes to beliefs about "free money" upon release from prison. We need to find jobs, pay our own rent, feed ourselves, and take care of our own families. Oh, and pay our restitution.
That's not to say that some states may have special programs, but that would be state to state, so I cannot verify whether it's true or not. Also, there are federal programs we can APPLY for and possibly QUALIFY for. These include food stamps, welfare, unemployment, disability, emergency funding, emergency housing, and more. However, these are not guaranteed, some of these programs are only going to be for families with children, and nothing will happen overnight. That's one of the reasons almost all inmates go through a halfway house prior to full community re-entry.
I, also, read in a book that some states, not sure if it is most states or not, will not allow anyone still on supervised released to live in Section 8 housing. Many people here come from section 8 housing, so this may surprise them. Also, at least New York (I couldn't find books on other states yesterday), will not allow anyone to live in section 8 housing until they are off supervision AND done paying their restitution. Had that been my only option, it would have been closed to me, as the amount of my restitution is beyond my ability to pay off without a good job. Since section 8 is a federal program, I imagine New York's rules are similar to those in other states.
Don't be too discouraged, though. I did hear a news story this morning about a new home being built for women just recently released from prison. There are places like that throughout the country. There are community programs that help us. There are food pantries to feed us. Many of us have family and friends to help us out until we get ourselves settled. I just request that people think through what inmate.com is saying. If it sounds too good to be true (i.e. "they are sending 800 of us home within two months") it probably is too good to be true!
Thursday, November 7, 2013
From Dragonfly: Team 2
Today was my second team meeting. Team, again, is when inmates meet with their case worker, unit manager, and unit counselor all together. Since I leave in less than a year, I have team 3-4 times total before I leave. My next one is scheduled in March, 2014.
Anyway, during team, they talk about any issues within the institution (like if I have been getting in trouble --- which I have not), they update my paperwork (now shows I have a job and that I got off kosher fare), and talk about anything necessary happening on the outside. They are surprised that Sporty has not yet heard from probation to approve my release home. Once the home is approved, my case manager can put in for my halfway house date. They are still hoping for it to be longer than just good time, but rather several months. Nothing can happen until my home is approved, though. So, it may be a long while for any changes to my out date. If I get a longer halfway house stay, I would be able to go through the halfway house quickly and then move to home confinement. I'm willing to do anything to lawfully free myself from prison!
Anyway, during team, they talk about any issues within the institution (like if I have been getting in trouble --- which I have not), they update my paperwork (now shows I have a job and that I got off kosher fare), and talk about anything necessary happening on the outside. They are surprised that Sporty has not yet heard from probation to approve my release home. Once the home is approved, my case manager can put in for my halfway house date. They are still hoping for it to be longer than just good time, but rather several months. Nothing can happen until my home is approved, though. So, it may be a long while for any changes to my out date. If I get a longer halfway house stay, I would be able to go through the halfway house quickly and then move to home confinement. I'm willing to do anything to lawfully free myself from prison!
From Dragonfly: No Matter
No matter how bad I think I have it, there's always people who have it worse. Here, in prison, I see people fighting cancer, with bald heads, and no family around. I see people carried down two flights of stairs (the elevator is broken), while having a seizure. I see women standing 3+ hours in lines to get their medication that keeps them alive. I see people having spent 20+ years in prison, with no hope of dying anywhere else. I see women who belong in a psychiatric hospital, not a prison. I see women who have lost custody of their babies, even though their prison sentence is not long and others who have lost their entire families. I see women who never got the help they need, and are still battling drug addiction - willing to do anything to get that next high. I see women unable to attend the funerals of their most beloved people - spouses, parents, siblings and children. I see many people who have given up on hope.
Not just here, but throughout the world, there are people so much less fortunate than I (even though most would think my current circumstances grants me "unfortunate" status). In South Africa, I walked through townships filled with shacks (made of scraps and tarps) without electricity or running water, attempting to raise generations of family in one or two rooms. In Vietnam, I met families who could not afford shoes for their children and whose only mode of transportation was a hand built canoe with holes. I've met countless homeless throughout the U.S. and the world. So many can only live day to day, yet they do not give up hope - and neither shall I.
I open with all this because I learned in a letter last night, that my admission to my University, where I have given two years of quality study, research, and work, has officially revoked my admission. This news is devastating to me. It is impossible for people here to understand why my education would cause such feelings - they say things like, "Can't you just go somewhere else?" I truly gave my heart and soul into my PhD program and in return, I was given amazing opportunities and set goals for my future. Having lost two careers due to my addiction and crime associated with it's downfall, as well as family, reputation, community, friends, etc to the devastation of my gambling addiction, going back to school was my opportunity at a second chance. It was a very rigorous application process and my final decision on where to attend was not made lightly. I officially started a new life, moving to a new state, leaving all my friends and family, to attend this school. Now, T.S. and Sporty have joined me. T.S. is a freshman at the University and Sporty moved there to be there for both me and T.S. My home is now with Sporty in that town. My three years of supervision will be there, just a 5 minute drive from my campus, living with Sporty. I'm leaving here at 41 years of ago and it is a LONG process to start over again. I would have to go to a new school, go through the application process, and would now need to reveal that I am a felon. When I went through the last application process, it was years before any of these federal charges. I do not think it likely that another program will accept me after I need to reveal the truth on why I am no longer at my former University.
I am allowed to appeal the decision. I can't even try to do this without a lawyer, which I do not have. They gave me 30 days, and the letter I write would go to the supervisor of Dr. P. in her new position and since she is part of this story, it would be a conflict to go against her wishes. So, this leaves me with a lot of unknowns. What I had hoped was that I was coming home to - my classes, my old job that I loved, health insurance - all that is no more. Thank god for my recovery program and my trust that, somehow, things will work out for me in the end - as long as I keep doing the right next thing. I must release control and concentrate on all I am grateful for.
I am not fighting cancer. I get visitors. I don't have seizures. I don't have to stand in pill line. I will be out of prison in less than 9 months. I will die someday and somewhere outside of prison. I am not mentally ill. I am surrounded by support and love from biological and chosen family. I no longer battle addiction. I can focus on recovery. I have not given up hope. I have a home to go to - with Sporty there to support me. I can count on food on the table and heat to keep me warm. I have enough shoes for my lifetime (if needed), and I have a scooter to get me around.
So, yesterday, was a bad day. In my life, the letter withdrawing my status as a doctoral student was yet another reminder of how much addiction and it's consequences can destroy lives. Of course, I will keep fighting, but I must have the wisdom to also know when I can change things and when I cannot.
I know, no matter what, this is not an end for me. I am on a journey called life. It may not go exactly as I saw my life as a child, or in my 20's or even just a year ago, but I'm still here. I get to write. I get to help people. As long as I am still able to make a positive contribution to the world, I know I'll be okay. Never give up Hope.
I just read an incredible book by Mitch Abrams. The last sentence was, "I am in love with hope." Being lost is not the end, it's what we find next that can bring us back to a smile, a laugh, and new goals.
Not just here, but throughout the world, there are people so much less fortunate than I (even though most would think my current circumstances grants me "unfortunate" status). In South Africa, I walked through townships filled with shacks (made of scraps and tarps) without electricity or running water, attempting to raise generations of family in one or two rooms. In Vietnam, I met families who could not afford shoes for their children and whose only mode of transportation was a hand built canoe with holes. I've met countless homeless throughout the U.S. and the world. So many can only live day to day, yet they do not give up hope - and neither shall I.
I open with all this because I learned in a letter last night, that my admission to my University, where I have given two years of quality study, research, and work, has officially revoked my admission. This news is devastating to me. It is impossible for people here to understand why my education would cause such feelings - they say things like, "Can't you just go somewhere else?" I truly gave my heart and soul into my PhD program and in return, I was given amazing opportunities and set goals for my future. Having lost two careers due to my addiction and crime associated with it's downfall, as well as family, reputation, community, friends, etc to the devastation of my gambling addiction, going back to school was my opportunity at a second chance. It was a very rigorous application process and my final decision on where to attend was not made lightly. I officially started a new life, moving to a new state, leaving all my friends and family, to attend this school. Now, T.S. and Sporty have joined me. T.S. is a freshman at the University and Sporty moved there to be there for both me and T.S. My home is now with Sporty in that town. My three years of supervision will be there, just a 5 minute drive from my campus, living with Sporty. I'm leaving here at 41 years of ago and it is a LONG process to start over again. I would have to go to a new school, go through the application process, and would now need to reveal that I am a felon. When I went through the last application process, it was years before any of these federal charges. I do not think it likely that another program will accept me after I need to reveal the truth on why I am no longer at my former University.
I am allowed to appeal the decision. I can't even try to do this without a lawyer, which I do not have. They gave me 30 days, and the letter I write would go to the supervisor of Dr. P. in her new position and since she is part of this story, it would be a conflict to go against her wishes. So, this leaves me with a lot of unknowns. What I had hoped was that I was coming home to - my classes, my old job that I loved, health insurance - all that is no more. Thank god for my recovery program and my trust that, somehow, things will work out for me in the end - as long as I keep doing the right next thing. I must release control and concentrate on all I am grateful for.
I am not fighting cancer. I get visitors. I don't have seizures. I don't have to stand in pill line. I will be out of prison in less than 9 months. I will die someday and somewhere outside of prison. I am not mentally ill. I am surrounded by support and love from biological and chosen family. I no longer battle addiction. I can focus on recovery. I have not given up hope. I have a home to go to - with Sporty there to support me. I can count on food on the table and heat to keep me warm. I have enough shoes for my lifetime (if needed), and I have a scooter to get me around.
So, yesterday, was a bad day. In my life, the letter withdrawing my status as a doctoral student was yet another reminder of how much addiction and it's consequences can destroy lives. Of course, I will keep fighting, but I must have the wisdom to also know when I can change things and when I cannot.
I know, no matter what, this is not an end for me. I am on a journey called life. It may not go exactly as I saw my life as a child, or in my 20's or even just a year ago, but I'm still here. I get to write. I get to help people. As long as I am still able to make a positive contribution to the world, I know I'll be okay. Never give up Hope.
I just read an incredible book by Mitch Abrams. The last sentence was, "I am in love with hope." Being lost is not the end, it's what we find next that can bring us back to a smile, a laugh, and new goals.
From Draglonfly: Education
If you walked through the education department in this prison (and probably other prisons), it would not be like most educational facilities. We have 8 "teachers." That is their title. 5 have classrooms and teach when they want. The classrooms are staffed by tutors, who are the primary teachers. The teachers approve the curriculum, the tutors write the lessons and carry out the work. The teachers decide who is ready to test (tabe, pre-test, official GED test), based on the information provided by the tutors. The teachers are out of the department with other duties at least 25% of the time. It is really self-study environment, except that the tutors are there the whole time and also teach some lessons. All the classrooms are different sizes and hold different amounts of students. Students are placed in specific classrooms for specific reasons (don't ask me the reasons - I know one classroom is specifically for people who struggled the most - although, most the students struggle significantly). Some classrooms have three tutors assigned, some just one. Why? Not sure.
The department is constantly making changes, new furniture, new computers, big TVs... but then everything is changed a month later. Not sure why. We have a new education resource center that was put together in September. They are moving it to a new room before the end of the year. We have a computer classroom that has not been used for computer classes the entire time I've been here. Why? Not sure. But, these students need typing and basic computing classes. The GED testing will be 100% computerized come January. Those tests will be in the newly built testing room - which looks nice.
Every so often, like at least 1 time per month, students are told not to come to classes from anywhere of 1 day to 3 days. Last week, students had 1 1/2 days off, this week, 3 days off. The tutors still come to work, which is fine with me. I would go crazy with nothing to do. They don't tell us why we have no students, sometimes we never know what's happening. I do know that, at least sometimes, it is when we are having important visitors to the department (judges, accreditation, etc.). Sometimes, they set up one mock class to be occurring while they do their education walk-through... I guess we need to make it "look good."
In reality, I think our education department does good work. In addition to the GED courses, we have apprenticeships that self-study for their boards 2 afternoons/week. We have inmates apprenticing in many of the traditional blue collar roles. They walk out of here ready for a career. Pretty great. We also have the cosmo department - practicing by doing inmates hair for free. My next appointment, I am getting highlights. Finally, we have our ACE (adult continuing education courses). I'm a huge fan of those. People take 6 weeks in a subject they sign up for. If they complete it, they get a certificate and century points. Century points can actually decrease a person's security level over time. The certificate is good to bring home and show our probation supervisors. Shows we did something productive in prison.
I am currently teaching an ACE course and taking an ACE course. My PSR said that I have to take a personal finance class. So, I am taking it now. It may be information I already know, but I must be able to show that certificate at the end to my probation officer. I am teaching U.S. Government. Tonight is the third class. It is on state and local governments. I try to make my class as interactive as possible. In two weeks, students will sign up for the next 6 week ACE sessions. I will be teaching Essay Writing in that go-round. Many of the ACE classes are not as "academic" in nature. Many are actually video series based. One class right now is watching a variety of National Geographic videos about the rain forest. Another class is learning about "Big Cats." There will be a Jacques Cousteau class in the next session of course. These ACE classes tend to fill and fast... although, the academic courses are not as full as the rain forest type courses.
A lot of women have to take parenting courses as part of their incarceration. We offer those in English and Spanish every 6 week session. They are always filled up completely. The inmates need to show that certification to their probation officer.
I'm glad I am part of the education department. I am treated with respect, most of the time, and I am able to give back to my community. I have great co-tutors and we all work very hard, for little pay - just like teachers on the outside. Students have even brought an apple and placed it on my desk... corny, but shows their appreciation. I can ask nothing more!
The department is constantly making changes, new furniture, new computers, big TVs... but then everything is changed a month later. Not sure why. We have a new education resource center that was put together in September. They are moving it to a new room before the end of the year. We have a computer classroom that has not been used for computer classes the entire time I've been here. Why? Not sure. But, these students need typing and basic computing classes. The GED testing will be 100% computerized come January. Those tests will be in the newly built testing room - which looks nice.
Every so often, like at least 1 time per month, students are told not to come to classes from anywhere of 1 day to 3 days. Last week, students had 1 1/2 days off, this week, 3 days off. The tutors still come to work, which is fine with me. I would go crazy with nothing to do. They don't tell us why we have no students, sometimes we never know what's happening. I do know that, at least sometimes, it is when we are having important visitors to the department (judges, accreditation, etc.). Sometimes, they set up one mock class to be occurring while they do their education walk-through... I guess we need to make it "look good."
In reality, I think our education department does good work. In addition to the GED courses, we have apprenticeships that self-study for their boards 2 afternoons/week. We have inmates apprenticing in many of the traditional blue collar roles. They walk out of here ready for a career. Pretty great. We also have the cosmo department - practicing by doing inmates hair for free. My next appointment, I am getting highlights. Finally, we have our ACE (adult continuing education courses). I'm a huge fan of those. People take 6 weeks in a subject they sign up for. If they complete it, they get a certificate and century points. Century points can actually decrease a person's security level over time. The certificate is good to bring home and show our probation supervisors. Shows we did something productive in prison.
I am currently teaching an ACE course and taking an ACE course. My PSR said that I have to take a personal finance class. So, I am taking it now. It may be information I already know, but I must be able to show that certificate at the end to my probation officer. I am teaching U.S. Government. Tonight is the third class. It is on state and local governments. I try to make my class as interactive as possible. In two weeks, students will sign up for the next 6 week ACE sessions. I will be teaching Essay Writing in that go-round. Many of the ACE classes are not as "academic" in nature. Many are actually video series based. One class right now is watching a variety of National Geographic videos about the rain forest. Another class is learning about "Big Cats." There will be a Jacques Cousteau class in the next session of course. These ACE classes tend to fill and fast... although, the academic courses are not as full as the rain forest type courses.
A lot of women have to take parenting courses as part of their incarceration. We offer those in English and Spanish every 6 week session. They are always filled up completely. The inmates need to show that certification to their probation officer.
I'm glad I am part of the education department. I am treated with respect, most of the time, and I am able to give back to my community. I have great co-tutors and we all work very hard, for little pay - just like teachers on the outside. Students have even brought an apple and placed it on my desk... corny, but shows their appreciation. I can ask nothing more!
From Dragonfly: Beep, Beep, Beep
At least twice per month, the sound of the fire alarm fills our ears in our housing units. It is one of those sounds that stays within your head for hours after the alarm stops. This morning, a Saturday, it was 5:15am when it was going off. I was one of the lucky ones, I was already awake and just exiting the restroom. Most were still fast asleep, others were in the shower. It was cold outside, so I can't imagine having to go out there wet!! I wasn't dressed for the weather, either, shorts, shower shoes (crocs), tshirt and sweatshirt... My legs and face were downright shivering. It takes more than 10 minutes for everyone to exit the towers (housing units not attached to the medical facility). There are almost 1,000 women living in them. Some have to walk down 4 double flights of stairs --- 96 stairs in total. When the alarm is over, they need to walk right back up those same stairs. Others have to be put in their wheel chairs and hope that someone will assist them out of the building (one thing people are good about here, is helping out those in wheelchairs - especially the elderly). I know that it's part of the safety record to do fire drills... and some are during daylight hours, but many are in the middle of the night. To me, that seems like corporal punishment. I'm not sure how often they do the housing units within the medical facility, but since there would be so much dependence on staff (people in hospital beds, etc.), it can't be all that often. Since my job is in the medical facility, I have yet to hear a fire alarm (drill) during the normal work hours in the medical facility.
I couldn't fall back asleep, so I laid in my bed and read using my book light. I am so grateful that I could purchase a book light in the commissary. It is actually decent quality and I use it every night. Last night I didn't use it much, because I went to sleep just after dinner (around 6 pm). I woke for count (which was late at 10pm) and then again just before this morning's fire drill. Guess I needed my sleep. Acquaintances, here, say that I seem a lot more tired these days, but I know that's normal with my physical condition. I took a lot of naps in the last year, and here, I don't get naps.
I am very grateful to many friends on the outside who decided to give me subscriptions to magazines. They are the perfect read for waiting in the clinic lobby, resting, and more! I recently received my first copies of "Reader's Digest," "National Geographic," and "People." I read them all cover to cover. They remind me of life outside of these walls! I highly recommend magazine subscriptions for anyone going to prison!
I couldn't fall back asleep, so I laid in my bed and read using my book light. I am so grateful that I could purchase a book light in the commissary. It is actually decent quality and I use it every night. Last night I didn't use it much, because I went to sleep just after dinner (around 6 pm). I woke for count (which was late at 10pm) and then again just before this morning's fire drill. Guess I needed my sleep. Acquaintances, here, say that I seem a lot more tired these days, but I know that's normal with my physical condition. I took a lot of naps in the last year, and here, I don't get naps.
I am very grateful to many friends on the outside who decided to give me subscriptions to magazines. They are the perfect read for waiting in the clinic lobby, resting, and more! I recently received my first copies of "Reader's Digest," "National Geographic," and "People." I read them all cover to cover. They remind me of life outside of these walls! I highly recommend magazine subscriptions for anyone going to prison!
Friday, November 1, 2013
From Dragonfly: Names
Many books/shows state that all inmates go by their last names in prison. This is certainly true when we interact with staff of the prison. Most just refer to us without any salutation. If my last name was Smith, I would be "Smith" when they need anything. In education, they add a little respect, and would refer to us with a salutation, "Ms. Smith." A good number of the staff can't pronounce our last names correctly, and they don't like to be corrected, so we just have to get used to being called by the wrong last name. If we don't respond, it is on us, not them.
Inmates, here, tend to refer to each other by first names. I wasn't anticipating that. The only people I hear inmates calling by last name, are those much older, and the salutation is added, "Ms. Thompson." Other than that, everyone just goes by their first name. I think it may be different in other prisons, but that's the way it is here.
There are also many nicknames, including the family relationships I wrote about before coming to prison. There are many, many women here in "family" relationships - calling each other, "sister," "mother," "daughter," and "daddy," among other names. These are not people related to one another, it is merely a family structure they put together while being incarcerated. They may eat meals together, help each other out with commissary, and protect one another. Some are in relationships that go beyond that, many are not.
There is one exception to the above paragraph, there is a mother and daughter in my unit who are actually mother and daughter. They just recently transferred the daughter to our unit. Her mom has been here for several months, but the daughter was still being sentenced. When sentenced, the judge actually said that daughter and mother should be at the same institution. The daughter is very early 20's, and the mother can keep an eye on her. They both have 10 or so years to do. I was very surprised that not only the judge wanted them at the same institution, but that the DOP actually followed through on that recommendation. I am glad that they can maintain their loving relationship - especially with so much time to do. It's funny to hear the two of them squabble like normal mother/daughter relationships.
There are at least six women in my unit who share my first name. One woman has a girlfriend who screams our name all the time to get her attention from upstairs. I can't help but turn around every time, knowing full well that no one screams my name in the unit (my acquaintances tend to be a little more respectful of everyone). I considered a nickname, but I just went back to my name 5 years ago, after going more than a decade with a nickname. I don't need to get started with another nickname. I guess it would be easier if everyone just called me by my last name - I am the only one here with it - but then it would be like I was playing on a sports team. That's the last time in my life where people all referred to me by my last name.
I was glad that no one gave me their own "nickname" upon my arrival. There are a couple people who call me "genius," which I am not, but for some reason, since they think I'm 20-something, and I know more than a 20-something person should know (I'm 40 after all), it's just a nickname of assumptions that are not true. Plus, there are the students who call me "Ms. Tutor." I don't mind that name. It's the way that they see me.
Names are really important to people and their identities. My identity is not necessarily attached to my name, as I share my full name with someone who is famous, has published under the name, and even owns a URL under my name. If people don't know me, they actually think I could be her. I've often thought about changing my name, even if just my last name, which I may still do, so I am no longer confused with this other more-famous woman (whose politics are very different than my own). Perhaps marriage will one day change my last name, or I will just use Dragonfly Hazel for a while. Although, I may seem a bit flighty with the name Dragonfly. It's a good pen name and I love that so many appreciate my writing. I think what I do in my life and for others is much more important than the name I am known by.
Inmates, here, tend to refer to each other by first names. I wasn't anticipating that. The only people I hear inmates calling by last name, are those much older, and the salutation is added, "Ms. Thompson." Other than that, everyone just goes by their first name. I think it may be different in other prisons, but that's the way it is here.
There are also many nicknames, including the family relationships I wrote about before coming to prison. There are many, many women here in "family" relationships - calling each other, "sister," "mother," "daughter," and "daddy," among other names. These are not people related to one another, it is merely a family structure they put together while being incarcerated. They may eat meals together, help each other out with commissary, and protect one another. Some are in relationships that go beyond that, many are not.
There is one exception to the above paragraph, there is a mother and daughter in my unit who are actually mother and daughter. They just recently transferred the daughter to our unit. Her mom has been here for several months, but the daughter was still being sentenced. When sentenced, the judge actually said that daughter and mother should be at the same institution. The daughter is very early 20's, and the mother can keep an eye on her. They both have 10 or so years to do. I was very surprised that not only the judge wanted them at the same institution, but that the DOP actually followed through on that recommendation. I am glad that they can maintain their loving relationship - especially with so much time to do. It's funny to hear the two of them squabble like normal mother/daughter relationships.
There are at least six women in my unit who share my first name. One woman has a girlfriend who screams our name all the time to get her attention from upstairs. I can't help but turn around every time, knowing full well that no one screams my name in the unit (my acquaintances tend to be a little more respectful of everyone). I considered a nickname, but I just went back to my name 5 years ago, after going more than a decade with a nickname. I don't need to get started with another nickname. I guess it would be easier if everyone just called me by my last name - I am the only one here with it - but then it would be like I was playing on a sports team. That's the last time in my life where people all referred to me by my last name.
I was glad that no one gave me their own "nickname" upon my arrival. There are a couple people who call me "genius," which I am not, but for some reason, since they think I'm 20-something, and I know more than a 20-something person should know (I'm 40 after all), it's just a nickname of assumptions that are not true. Plus, there are the students who call me "Ms. Tutor." I don't mind that name. It's the way that they see me.
Names are really important to people and their identities. My identity is not necessarily attached to my name, as I share my full name with someone who is famous, has published under the name, and even owns a URL under my name. If people don't know me, they actually think I could be her. I've often thought about changing my name, even if just my last name, which I may still do, so I am no longer confused with this other more-famous woman (whose politics are very different than my own). Perhaps marriage will one day change my last name, or I will just use Dragonfly Hazel for a while. Although, I may seem a bit flighty with the name Dragonfly. It's a good pen name and I love that so many appreciate my writing. I think what I do in my life and for others is much more important than the name I am known by.
Thursday, October 31, 2013
Happy Halloween
It's not a federal holiday, so nothing special for Halloween. Although, I have heard there may be cupcakes during lunch. You may notice from my posts, that food seems to come up a lot. I've thought about why everyone here is so obsessed with the food - which is often barely edible and sometimes wonderful... I think it's because in prison, it is the only nourishment we get. Prison takes away our right to nourish most parts of our life - we are not allowed to love openly, we cannot have any touch with anyone, we can only learn what they allow us to learn, we can't express ourselves through style, we can't take a bath - all the ways we nourish ourselves on the outside are pretty much taken away from us.
They have to feed us, though, and once in a while - the food is good. Everyone talks about the "treats" they give us once in a while and it brings a smile to many faces. If, in fact, there is a cupcake today, the lines will be very long for lunch, as everyone wants a little bit of nourishment. It will be even better if it is decorated for Halloween!
I will spend most of today under desks and tables... I am hooking up computers in the education department. All classes are cancelled for the rest of the week, while we get the department fully computerized to help make the shift for all our GED testing to be done via computer (which is mandated for January 1st). For two hours yesterday afternoon, Freckles and I crawled under tables and unplugged old computers and plugged in the new computers. It was hot, and for the first time, I was allowed to take off my outer buttoned shirt (down to my t-shirt) in the education department. Freckles and I knew we'd both feel the strain of crawling around on the ground in our bodies later, but for the first time since I have been here, I was feeling like my old self again... Everyone at home calls me for their electronics help, and now I was able to do it here. We hooked up 26 new computer systems yesterday. Overall, the department is getting well over 100 new computers installed this week.
It does cause a problem for the GED team, however. Many, many, many of our students do not know how to type. I sit in the email lab, and most people are searching and pecking on their keyboards. If they are going to take a timed GED test using computers, we have to get them comfortable typing - otherwise, they will run out of time on their tests.
Also, these computers will NOT have Internet at all. So, still no googling. In fact, I learned that if an inmate somehow gets on the Internet, it is considered, "escape by computer" - a MAJOR offense. Since it is an unlawful connection with the outside world - it is equivalent to escaping from prison. It's no different than how they treat inmate death - "escape by death." I kid you not...
Well, happy Halloween. Today, I decided to dress as a prisoner. Unfortunately, everyone else around me have the same costume on!
They have to feed us, though, and once in a while - the food is good. Everyone talks about the "treats" they give us once in a while and it brings a smile to many faces. If, in fact, there is a cupcake today, the lines will be very long for lunch, as everyone wants a little bit of nourishment. It will be even better if it is decorated for Halloween!
I will spend most of today under desks and tables... I am hooking up computers in the education department. All classes are cancelled for the rest of the week, while we get the department fully computerized to help make the shift for all our GED testing to be done via computer (which is mandated for January 1st). For two hours yesterday afternoon, Freckles and I crawled under tables and unplugged old computers and plugged in the new computers. It was hot, and for the first time, I was allowed to take off my outer buttoned shirt (down to my t-shirt) in the education department. Freckles and I knew we'd both feel the strain of crawling around on the ground in our bodies later, but for the first time since I have been here, I was feeling like my old self again... Everyone at home calls me for their electronics help, and now I was able to do it here. We hooked up 26 new computer systems yesterday. Overall, the department is getting well over 100 new computers installed this week.
It does cause a problem for the GED team, however. Many, many, many of our students do not know how to type. I sit in the email lab, and most people are searching and pecking on their keyboards. If they are going to take a timed GED test using computers, we have to get them comfortable typing - otherwise, they will run out of time on their tests.
Also, these computers will NOT have Internet at all. So, still no googling. In fact, I learned that if an inmate somehow gets on the Internet, it is considered, "escape by computer" - a MAJOR offense. Since it is an unlawful connection with the outside world - it is equivalent to escaping from prison. It's no different than how they treat inmate death - "escape by death." I kid you not...
Well, happy Halloween. Today, I decided to dress as a prisoner. Unfortunately, everyone else around me have the same costume on!
Wednesday, October 30, 2013
From Dragonfly: Hambuger Day
Wednesdays are always hamburgers for lunch. It is also the only meal we get a dessert. Today was chocolate pudding. I guess some prisons give lots of desserts, but not here. The hamburgers are cooked well and we are even given fresh tomato, onion, and pickles to put on the bun. We are given a slice of cheese (not melted). On the side is either homemade (not crisp) fries or lay's potato chips. I don't like the homemade potato fries. This is a favorite meal for many people here. I've never been a "weekly" hamburger eater. My step-father, on the other hand, would eat a burger every day. But, it's lunch and I eat it, nonetheless.
Wednesday is also hump day - as it is everywhere. By Wednesday, I am usually very tired. I work from 7:30am-8pm on Mondays and by the time I get off work on Tuesdays at 5:00pm, I can barely walk or stay awake. When I walk into my unit on Tuesday nights, my friends already know that I will likely spend most of the night in my room, reading, on my bed. When I get up to walk to the restroom, people actually laugh, because I am walking like an old lady. It's been worse lately, with both my legs/feet in pain at night. Yet, there's nothing I can really do about it here!
Tonight, I will probably be more awake than last night and by tomorrow, I will be over the "hump." Thursdays are usually good days for me. By Friday evening, I pass out around 6pm and can sleep until morning - except that I have to stand for 9pm count. I keep wishing that my body will get better, that somehow, something will reverse itself and I will just be healthy again. I fear that's not occurring at the moment. But, I make the best of it. I may walk slow, but I don't stop walking. I can use an elevator, but I choose to walk up/down the flight of stairs to the chow hall (although I am glad I no longer live 24 stairs up in my unit!).
I am trying to focus on the health in the 4 areas of my life - emotionally, spiritually, physically, and mentally. Given my location at present, all these can suffer at various times. However, emotionally I am strong from my recovery program. I always lean on G.A. when I am feeling emotionally spent. Mentally, I take care of myself by talking things out and making sure I am living one day at a time. I will get too overwhelmed if I go much further out than that. Spiritually, I have always struggled. Not with my religion - I am Jewish - but with prayer and the concept of God. However, my recovery has helped me there too - as I do believe in a higher power and I know that I cannot control everything or anybody. I only can do the next right thing. I say the serenity prayer often, and that helps a great deal. There is the tiny Jewish community here, but I am unable to attend their Tuesday afternoon group and I am okay with that fact. I'd rather have my job.
So, the area I always struggle the most with is physical health. I've always been overweight and I accept that I will never be thin. My goal, always, is to be healthy. I've lost almost 20 pounds since arriving at Carswell and I suspect the pounds will slowly continue to fall. Even with burgers every week, the weight is coming off. I hope that it is a sign that I am finally losing the weight put on by months of prednisone use last year. My face is still round due to the pills. If I lose another 20 pounds, I will be at a weight I haven't been in more than 10 years. However, so much about my body is out of my control. Ever since I got sick last year, I struggle with pain, swelling, and other symptoms. Medication helps, but nothing has stopped it. Some of the best rheumatologists in the country have seen me and helped to diagnose me. So, what do I do when one of the 4 areas of my life - physical health - is so out of whack??
Acceptance. Acceptance is the only way I can keep my physical health, and not lose my emotional, spiritual, or mental health at the same time. Sometimes it is really hard. But, I know that I can only do what I am capable of doing and that I have a whole life to live, even with these physical issues. I know I will survive anything... I mean, I am surviving Carswell and weekly hamburger day after all.
Wednesday is also hump day - as it is everywhere. By Wednesday, I am usually very tired. I work from 7:30am-8pm on Mondays and by the time I get off work on Tuesdays at 5:00pm, I can barely walk or stay awake. When I walk into my unit on Tuesday nights, my friends already know that I will likely spend most of the night in my room, reading, on my bed. When I get up to walk to the restroom, people actually laugh, because I am walking like an old lady. It's been worse lately, with both my legs/feet in pain at night. Yet, there's nothing I can really do about it here!
Tonight, I will probably be more awake than last night and by tomorrow, I will be over the "hump." Thursdays are usually good days for me. By Friday evening, I pass out around 6pm and can sleep until morning - except that I have to stand for 9pm count. I keep wishing that my body will get better, that somehow, something will reverse itself and I will just be healthy again. I fear that's not occurring at the moment. But, I make the best of it. I may walk slow, but I don't stop walking. I can use an elevator, but I choose to walk up/down the flight of stairs to the chow hall (although I am glad I no longer live 24 stairs up in my unit!).
I am trying to focus on the health in the 4 areas of my life - emotionally, spiritually, physically, and mentally. Given my location at present, all these can suffer at various times. However, emotionally I am strong from my recovery program. I always lean on G.A. when I am feeling emotionally spent. Mentally, I take care of myself by talking things out and making sure I am living one day at a time. I will get too overwhelmed if I go much further out than that. Spiritually, I have always struggled. Not with my religion - I am Jewish - but with prayer and the concept of God. However, my recovery has helped me there too - as I do believe in a higher power and I know that I cannot control everything or anybody. I only can do the next right thing. I say the serenity prayer often, and that helps a great deal. There is the tiny Jewish community here, but I am unable to attend their Tuesday afternoon group and I am okay with that fact. I'd rather have my job.
So, the area I always struggle the most with is physical health. I've always been overweight and I accept that I will never be thin. My goal, always, is to be healthy. I've lost almost 20 pounds since arriving at Carswell and I suspect the pounds will slowly continue to fall. Even with burgers every week, the weight is coming off. I hope that it is a sign that I am finally losing the weight put on by months of prednisone use last year. My face is still round due to the pills. If I lose another 20 pounds, I will be at a weight I haven't been in more than 10 years. However, so much about my body is out of my control. Ever since I got sick last year, I struggle with pain, swelling, and other symptoms. Medication helps, but nothing has stopped it. Some of the best rheumatologists in the country have seen me and helped to diagnose me. So, what do I do when one of the 4 areas of my life - physical health - is so out of whack??
Acceptance. Acceptance is the only way I can keep my physical health, and not lose my emotional, spiritual, or mental health at the same time. Sometimes it is really hard. But, I know that I can only do what I am capable of doing and that I have a whole life to live, even with these physical issues. I know I will survive anything... I mean, I am surviving Carswell and weekly hamburger day after all.
Tuesday, October 29, 2013
From Dragonfly: Insight
People in prison can see themselves in many different identities. Some see themselves as crooks. Some as hustlers. Some work hard to see themselves as superheroes, others as victims. Some inmates are ultimate athletes, others as patients. There are a few that see themselves as carpenters, electricians, or even architects. Some inmates see themselves as children, others as elderly. There are inmates that are ultimate learners, taking every class offered; and inmates that see themselves as ultimate criminals, learning the ins and outs of everyone's crimes. There are survivors and jailhouse lawyers and mothers and grandmothers, and, even, daddies. There are lots of identities in prison, and most people try to wear one identity really well.
My identity is "Ms. Tutor." Wherever I walk, someone will say, "that's my tutor," or "hi, Ms. Tutor." Yes, they are supposed to call me by my last name, but for some reason, inmates have a hard time saying it correctly (as do the C.O.'s) even though it is only 2 syllables and is not all that difficult. In my unit, random people, that I don't really know, will walk up to me and ask me for tutoring help on their homework. I mostly help people with math - fractions, decimals, percentages, geometry and algebra. I like algebra the most. I also like percentages, because I never forgot the equation I learned as a child, "is over of equals percentage over 100." I realize this just brings out the nerd in me a whole lot more, but I wear that identity proudly as well. :-)
I do not try to be "Ms. Tutor" all the time. Once I am out of work, I take off my required uniform and put on shorts and a t-shirt, just like everyone else. I sit at a table with a bunch of women and work on crochet or friendship bracelets (yep, still making them). But, the identity doesn't leave me. Anyone who asks for help, I say, "yes." It's not like I'm doing anything more important than them WANTING to learn for passing their GED. I know that all the other tutors help people outside of work, too. It just comes with the job!
Plus, now, I am also teaching my U.S. Government course on Monday nights. That brings in different students - as it is adult continuing education. While the curriculum is set for me, I am able to be flexible in some of my teaching strategies. For example, when covering the three branches of government and checks/balances last night, I had the students divided into Executive, Judicial, House, and Senate and they had four laws/bills that some were trying to pass or appeal to the supreme court and based on what each branch did, the law/bill could be stalled, signed into law, found unconstitutional/constitutional by the courts, sent back down for rewriting, etc. In a 20 minute period, only 1 of the 4 laws/bills were fully signed and found to be Constitutional. The students felt that they understood the concepts and the roles of government much better.
My young appearance does get in the way sometimes. This is nothing new for me. When I was practicing law, no one believed I was an attorney, as I looked too young. But, I was in my 20's then. Now, as I am 40 years old, people here think I am in my 20's. For some reason, that makes people unsure on whether to believe what I say - "how could a 20-something year old know so much." When they find out that I am 40, suddenly they go, "ohhhhh, now that makes sense." Not one person I've met here has been within 5 years of guessing my correct age. Yes, I do look that young!
Some people think that since I am so young (they are putting my age in my 20's), I must be a genius. I am not. Not by a long shot. There are geniuses here - I recently met a member of Mensa - who graduated high school at 15 years of age. I will call her Nurse, as she was a nurse and health administrator on the outside. She is only a couple weeks into her Carswell experience, also a self-surrender, and still appears shell-shocked by all she sees. With her background in medicine, she is challenging the medical staff here to do the right thing - give cotton balls and alcohol wipes after people check their gluten level (sharing the same machine); provide people with the correct medication (including herself); understand medical conditions; etc. In just a couple weeks, she has already gone to the warden on several issues. I think the story that got her in here, as well as the story she will tell once she is released from here, will make a book! She says she is planning one. I suppose her identity is author and/or health advocate.
I'm glad my identity matches my identity on the outside. I am a teacher. I like to help others achieve their goals. I am very grateful I am given the opportunity to share this identity with the people inside Carswell.
My identity is "Ms. Tutor." Wherever I walk, someone will say, "that's my tutor," or "hi, Ms. Tutor." Yes, they are supposed to call me by my last name, but for some reason, inmates have a hard time saying it correctly (as do the C.O.'s) even though it is only 2 syllables and is not all that difficult. In my unit, random people, that I don't really know, will walk up to me and ask me for tutoring help on their homework. I mostly help people with math - fractions, decimals, percentages, geometry and algebra. I like algebra the most. I also like percentages, because I never forgot the equation I learned as a child, "is over of equals percentage over 100." I realize this just brings out the nerd in me a whole lot more, but I wear that identity proudly as well. :-)
I do not try to be "Ms. Tutor" all the time. Once I am out of work, I take off my required uniform and put on shorts and a t-shirt, just like everyone else. I sit at a table with a bunch of women and work on crochet or friendship bracelets (yep, still making them). But, the identity doesn't leave me. Anyone who asks for help, I say, "yes." It's not like I'm doing anything more important than them WANTING to learn for passing their GED. I know that all the other tutors help people outside of work, too. It just comes with the job!
Plus, now, I am also teaching my U.S. Government course on Monday nights. That brings in different students - as it is adult continuing education. While the curriculum is set for me, I am able to be flexible in some of my teaching strategies. For example, when covering the three branches of government and checks/balances last night, I had the students divided into Executive, Judicial, House, and Senate and they had four laws/bills that some were trying to pass or appeal to the supreme court and based on what each branch did, the law/bill could be stalled, signed into law, found unconstitutional/constitutional by the courts, sent back down for rewriting, etc. In a 20 minute period, only 1 of the 4 laws/bills were fully signed and found to be Constitutional. The students felt that they understood the concepts and the roles of government much better.
My young appearance does get in the way sometimes. This is nothing new for me. When I was practicing law, no one believed I was an attorney, as I looked too young. But, I was in my 20's then. Now, as I am 40 years old, people here think I am in my 20's. For some reason, that makes people unsure on whether to believe what I say - "how could a 20-something year old know so much." When they find out that I am 40, suddenly they go, "ohhhhh, now that makes sense." Not one person I've met here has been within 5 years of guessing my correct age. Yes, I do look that young!
Some people think that since I am so young (they are putting my age in my 20's), I must be a genius. I am not. Not by a long shot. There are geniuses here - I recently met a member of Mensa - who graduated high school at 15 years of age. I will call her Nurse, as she was a nurse and health administrator on the outside. She is only a couple weeks into her Carswell experience, also a self-surrender, and still appears shell-shocked by all she sees. With her background in medicine, she is challenging the medical staff here to do the right thing - give cotton balls and alcohol wipes after people check their gluten level (sharing the same machine); provide people with the correct medication (including herself); understand medical conditions; etc. In just a couple weeks, she has already gone to the warden on several issues. I think the story that got her in here, as well as the story she will tell once she is released from here, will make a book! She says she is planning one. I suppose her identity is author and/or health advocate.
I'm glad my identity matches my identity on the outside. I am a teacher. I like to help others achieve their goals. I am very grateful I am given the opportunity to share this identity with the people inside Carswell.
Monday, October 28, 2013
From Freckles: Bruised but not Broken...
For those of us who were not locked up during our pretrial and/or after sentencing, we were fortunate enough to have the time to mentally prepare for our prison destination. But, is there really a way to totally mentally prepare?
Contrary to popular belief, this is not "club fed." Yes, we have exercise facilities, outdoor sports activities, bands, seminars and evening adult continuing education classes. Our stresses may appear to be few compared to you on "the outs." We have three meals a day, a set "bed" time, no monthly bills to stress over and no clothing choices. We have five pairs of underwear & 5 t-shirts; so our 2 designated laundry times per week are sufficient.
However, sometimes, just the daily trials and tribulations are enough to push us to a breaking point. There is a "pill line" that medical patients need to wait in up to 3x/day and sometimes up to 3 hours, just for medicine. Then, there's even the instance where you get up to the window and are told your medicine is "discontinued." WTF does that mean? The individuals working the "window" are contracted and know nothing about the BOP workings. So, you go an entire day without your medication and a trip to "sick call" goes on your calendar for 6am the following day. if the following day is Wednesday or the weekend, you are SOL, there is no sick call on those days. Once there, you sit from 6am until sometimes noon or after. You get to see a PA - the Docs here are like the Wizard of Oz; you rarely see them. Some of us have restrictions that preclude sitting more than an hour or two - again, no regard, we're treated like cattle. Once the PA sees you and tells you "we are weening you off your medication," it's shock. This person has NEVER seen me, they have no clue. But, we "Deal."
We miss loved ones birthdays, our anniversaries, holidays, and most of a "normal" existence. We make $0.12-$0.40 cents per hour - enough to maybe buy some hygiene products and snacks. We are charged 5 cents/minute for email - even if just reading them and 23 cents/minute for phone. We have to rely on y'all (yes, we are in Texas - ha) to send $$, so we can afford to survive. Not everyone has a "hustle" like dragonfly - Ha! :-)
We've lost our freedom and our independence - we don't know if today's the day we anger an M floor patient or crazy in pill line and get knocked on our butts. This my friends, is stress - we're pushed sometimes daily, sometimes monthly, to our breaking point. We cry, we get frustrated, we rant. Thank god some of us have people in here we can honestly call "friends" and who can get us through days like these. It's hard to make our friends/family in the "free world" understand.
The people here try daily to break us. Please keep that in the back of your mind when we're "suntanning" on a gorgeous Texas afternoon watching/playing softball.
Godspeed my friends... "Freckles"
(From Dragonfly - an interesting and honest perspective!!!)
Contrary to popular belief, this is not "club fed." Yes, we have exercise facilities, outdoor sports activities, bands, seminars and evening adult continuing education classes. Our stresses may appear to be few compared to you on "the outs." We have three meals a day, a set "bed" time, no monthly bills to stress over and no clothing choices. We have five pairs of underwear & 5 t-shirts; so our 2 designated laundry times per week are sufficient.
However, sometimes, just the daily trials and tribulations are enough to push us to a breaking point. There is a "pill line" that medical patients need to wait in up to 3x/day and sometimes up to 3 hours, just for medicine. Then, there's even the instance where you get up to the window and are told your medicine is "discontinued." WTF does that mean? The individuals working the "window" are contracted and know nothing about the BOP workings. So, you go an entire day without your medication and a trip to "sick call" goes on your calendar for 6am the following day. if the following day is Wednesday or the weekend, you are SOL, there is no sick call on those days. Once there, you sit from 6am until sometimes noon or after. You get to see a PA - the Docs here are like the Wizard of Oz; you rarely see them. Some of us have restrictions that preclude sitting more than an hour or two - again, no regard, we're treated like cattle. Once the PA sees you and tells you "we are weening you off your medication," it's shock. This person has NEVER seen me, they have no clue. But, we "Deal."
We miss loved ones birthdays, our anniversaries, holidays, and most of a "normal" existence. We make $0.12-$0.40 cents per hour - enough to maybe buy some hygiene products and snacks. We are charged 5 cents/minute for email - even if just reading them and 23 cents/minute for phone. We have to rely on y'all (yes, we are in Texas - ha) to send $$, so we can afford to survive. Not everyone has a "hustle" like dragonfly - Ha! :-)
We've lost our freedom and our independence - we don't know if today's the day we anger an M floor patient or crazy in pill line and get knocked on our butts. This my friends, is stress - we're pushed sometimes daily, sometimes monthly, to our breaking point. We cry, we get frustrated, we rant. Thank god some of us have people in here we can honestly call "friends" and who can get us through days like these. It's hard to make our friends/family in the "free world" understand.
The people here try daily to break us. Please keep that in the back of your mind when we're "suntanning" on a gorgeous Texas afternoon watching/playing softball.
Godspeed my friends... "Freckles"
(From Dragonfly - an interesting and honest perspective!!!)
From Dragonfly: Two Realities
My mom has been good at sending me a couple books to read to help the time go by... unfortunately, I read the books in a couple of days and then seek out more reading. Anyway, two books that she recently sent me, I'd like to mention here. The first is John Grisham's novel, "The Racketeer." I had no idea what the book would be about. However, once I read the first line (about once being an attorney but now being in federal prison), I was shell-shocked... was this book going to be my story??
Well, no, it is not my story at all. The main character is a male and in a federal prison camp. There are a lot of differences in our daily prison lives, just for those two differences. At the same time, Grisham does an EXCELLENT job of describing life in federal prison, the prison system, and the main character's couple months at an FCI (similar to where I am now). I've already shared the book with South and Freckles, and we are all like, "wow, he really did his research on what our lives are like!" However, just like when I read "1L" before my first year of law, all people's experiences are unique, so don't get hung up on the specifics.
Another book I just read (compliments of my mother) is "The Storyteller" by Jodi Piccoult. This book I highly, highly recommend!!! Anyone who knows me, knows I am a big Piccoult fan. Every book of hers is totally unique and she does the most incredible research into her characters. They are multi-dimensional and the reader understands the conflicted lives of the characters. Piccoult knows how to tell a great story!
This book, however, was the perfect read for me while in prison. I don't want to give away too much of the storyline, but it surprisingly becomes a novel about the Holocaust. The story told, with vivid detail, gives insight to life in the German prison camps (nothing like the U.S. federal prison camps we have here and now). It was actually a reality check for me. I have SO MUCH to be grateful for! I am fed three meals a day (even if I do not enjoy them - they sustain me). I have clothing that is clean. I have access to some health care (even if it is mediocre). I have my own bed. I get paid for my work, rather than just rations (even if it is $0.12/hour). Only a couple of people faint in front of me each week (there, they were dying). I know that I will be heading home. That is the thing to be most grateful for!
Well, no, it is not my story at all. The main character is a male and in a federal prison camp. There are a lot of differences in our daily prison lives, just for those two differences. At the same time, Grisham does an EXCELLENT job of describing life in federal prison, the prison system, and the main character's couple months at an FCI (similar to where I am now). I've already shared the book with South and Freckles, and we are all like, "wow, he really did his research on what our lives are like!" However, just like when I read "1L" before my first year of law, all people's experiences are unique, so don't get hung up on the specifics.
Another book I just read (compliments of my mother) is "The Storyteller" by Jodi Piccoult. This book I highly, highly recommend!!! Anyone who knows me, knows I am a big Piccoult fan. Every book of hers is totally unique and she does the most incredible research into her characters. They are multi-dimensional and the reader understands the conflicted lives of the characters. Piccoult knows how to tell a great story!
This book, however, was the perfect read for me while in prison. I don't want to give away too much of the storyline, but it surprisingly becomes a novel about the Holocaust. The story told, with vivid detail, gives insight to life in the German prison camps (nothing like the U.S. federal prison camps we have here and now). It was actually a reality check for me. I have SO MUCH to be grateful for! I am fed three meals a day (even if I do not enjoy them - they sustain me). I have clothing that is clean. I have access to some health care (even if it is mediocre). I have my own bed. I get paid for my work, rather than just rations (even if it is $0.12/hour). Only a couple of people faint in front of me each week (there, they were dying). I know that I will be heading home. That is the thing to be most grateful for!
Thursday, October 24, 2013
From Dragonfly: Entitlements
There's a lot of people who feel they are entitled here in prison. There are the women who think they OWN the table they always sit at. The women who are entitled to the one TV room. The women who can do anything against the rules and not get in trouble (believing they have the C.O.'s in their pocket). Entitlements are everywhere.
One area of entitlement I've come into trouble with is the laundry room. We all have our set times for washing and drying. Being so overcrowded, the laundry times start at 4:45am and end at 2am the next day. These washers and dryers are constantly running. There are some women in the unit who believe that an empty washer or dryer is automatically theirs. Every Wednesday night, at my laundry time, I face the same issues. One woman believes that she can use 2 of our 3 dryers at the same time. Why? Because she is making money doing other's laundry and overloads the washer with more than a single load. What happens is that when I am ready to move my laundry into the dryer at my time, the assigned dryer is being used. I've explained to her every week, that I have the dryer at 9:15pm, but she makes excuses that she cannot understand me and fights with me at the top of her lungs. She argues that the dryer is taking extra time or that she has permission to use a second dryer. Neither of these is true. For two weeks in a row, the C.O. has stepped in and told this woman that she must release my dryer. Talk about a red 'X' on my back. The laundry room is next to the C.O. office and he can hear her screaming. Doesn't change anything, though, because the following week, she does the same thing all over again. Last night, in order to allow the person washing to get their clothes into the washer on time, I had to stand, with all my wet clothing in my arms, for more than 5 minutes because my dryer was not available at my scheduled time. It was another inmate who finally stepped in, and then the C.O. I do my best to not fight with anyone. It's a direction I certainly don't want to go while in prison. But, every Wed., my anger increases. It may seem like such a stupid little thing, laundry time. But, if for some reason I can't get in the dryer on time, then my dryer time will be shortened (and we cannot hang our clothing to dry) and/or I will be forced to stay up til midnight to finish my laundry (which is hard with a 5:40am wake up). I am not the only person with this issue. These women are in the laundry room, claiming the irons, and making everyone else's life difficult seven days/week. It's their hustle - doing other's laundry - and they are not going to give in.
Another area of entitlement is that darn TV room. It is the only TV (except the news/sports TV) where inmates can listen without headphones. It has a door, and about 20 people can fit in the room (tightly). For the first three weeks of the new season of shows, about 12 of us crammed into that room on Thursday nights to watch CBS - "Big Bang Theory," "The Crazy Ones," etc. How we sign up for the TV is on Sunday nights, based on our badge number. One Sunday even numbers sign up first and the next week it is odd numbers. Since there were 12 of us watching, we were able to have someone get the room in Thursday nights. However, there was a group of women who claim that room for themselves. They are in the room day and night and were very angry that we were signing up for the room on Thursday nights. So, they took action. They gave all their badge numbers to one woman (who is responsible for the sign-up sheets) and she signs them up for every night BEFORE sign-up. One night, someone with our group was signing up for the TV and third in line... well, when she got to the front, all 7 nights was already signed up for... Since she was 3rd in line, we absolutely knew what was happening.
Here's the issue, though. If we say something to the C.O.'s, everyone will suffer. All the TVs will become off limits. That's how things work here. The bad acts of a few will result in punishment of the whole. So, for the last three weeks, we have allowed these individuals to be "entitled" to their TV room. We do not get to watch our shows. Mind you, the same thing they watch in the TV room (The Voice or X Factor), is also playing in the Atrium. We just accept this entitlement. That's how things go here. If you do not want to fight over STUPID issues, you just let them slide. Then, you find yourself just accepting the way things are. There are those in power, even among the inmates, and those without power (those of us trying to avoid losing good time or going to the SHU). This is just daily life in Carswell...
I found myself stuck with an entitlement yesterday. In the middle of my afternoon class teaching, the teaching staff came into my classroom and informed the students that since our teacher is not here (she's been gone over a month), they are dismantling the classes and moving all the students to other classrooms. Another teacher had been supervising me, but that was supposed to be only temporary. I sat in my chair, at my desk, stunned. I knew the students were doing well (in fact, many tested yesterday on a status check called a "TABE" and they are all moving up one step closer to taking the GED). Two students learned they passed the GED this week. Two more students are waiting for their GED scores. I'm so proud of the work we've been doing.
The teacher announced that I will be moving to his classroom as a third tutor. This was the first I've heard of this. I am being moved from a classroom where I was head tutor, responsible for curriculum, teaching, grading, and working directly with the teaching staff, to a third tutor, which means for now (at least) I will not be teaching. They made sure I knew that this was not a reflection on my work, as they know the students have been learning. It is just that they are not allowed to have a classroom without a staff teacher assigned. I knew this could occur, but I did not realize there would not be another teaching tutor position immediately available. In the new classroom I will have no desk, no curriculum planning, and I will just be more of a grader/gopher (they will ask me to do what they want around tutoring and I will do it). Sometimes, these extra tutors are asked to do more manual labor. It didn't really hit me until I was back at my unit, how unbelievably sad I am.
I've found 7 hours/day of time where I feel useful and almost forget I am in prison. My students and I were getting along well, had found a rhythm with the curriculum, and were making things work (even without a staff teacher). It was the time of every day that I was not stressed out. Working as a tutor has been the highlight of my days here. With this change, I am just sad and mad that I am losing this one thing I love. The head tutor in the classroom I am moving to, has 7 more years here. She is not going anywhere. So, grading papers it will be for me.
These feelings I had, were my entitlements. In a way, by being a teaching tutor, I actually was happy. I believed I could keep this position as long as I did a good job. However, I am just an inmate. I need to keep reminding myself that. As an inmate, my life can change here without notice. This change to my job is exactly what happens to other inmates every day. The anger I felt at the change was, likely, more about the fact that I have no rights, than the necessary change they were doing for the students in the classroom without a supervising teacher. I am not in prison to work. I am here to do my time and get home. I said the serenity prayer a lot last night. I did not sleep well. But, today, I am at acceptance. There is no where else healthy that my mind can be at while I am in this place.
One area of entitlement I've come into trouble with is the laundry room. We all have our set times for washing and drying. Being so overcrowded, the laundry times start at 4:45am and end at 2am the next day. These washers and dryers are constantly running. There are some women in the unit who believe that an empty washer or dryer is automatically theirs. Every Wednesday night, at my laundry time, I face the same issues. One woman believes that she can use 2 of our 3 dryers at the same time. Why? Because she is making money doing other's laundry and overloads the washer with more than a single load. What happens is that when I am ready to move my laundry into the dryer at my time, the assigned dryer is being used. I've explained to her every week, that I have the dryer at 9:15pm, but she makes excuses that she cannot understand me and fights with me at the top of her lungs. She argues that the dryer is taking extra time or that she has permission to use a second dryer. Neither of these is true. For two weeks in a row, the C.O. has stepped in and told this woman that she must release my dryer. Talk about a red 'X' on my back. The laundry room is next to the C.O. office and he can hear her screaming. Doesn't change anything, though, because the following week, she does the same thing all over again. Last night, in order to allow the person washing to get their clothes into the washer on time, I had to stand, with all my wet clothing in my arms, for more than 5 minutes because my dryer was not available at my scheduled time. It was another inmate who finally stepped in, and then the C.O. I do my best to not fight with anyone. It's a direction I certainly don't want to go while in prison. But, every Wed., my anger increases. It may seem like such a stupid little thing, laundry time. But, if for some reason I can't get in the dryer on time, then my dryer time will be shortened (and we cannot hang our clothing to dry) and/or I will be forced to stay up til midnight to finish my laundry (which is hard with a 5:40am wake up). I am not the only person with this issue. These women are in the laundry room, claiming the irons, and making everyone else's life difficult seven days/week. It's their hustle - doing other's laundry - and they are not going to give in.
Another area of entitlement is that darn TV room. It is the only TV (except the news/sports TV) where inmates can listen without headphones. It has a door, and about 20 people can fit in the room (tightly). For the first three weeks of the new season of shows, about 12 of us crammed into that room on Thursday nights to watch CBS - "Big Bang Theory," "The Crazy Ones," etc. How we sign up for the TV is on Sunday nights, based on our badge number. One Sunday even numbers sign up first and the next week it is odd numbers. Since there were 12 of us watching, we were able to have someone get the room in Thursday nights. However, there was a group of women who claim that room for themselves. They are in the room day and night and were very angry that we were signing up for the room on Thursday nights. So, they took action. They gave all their badge numbers to one woman (who is responsible for the sign-up sheets) and she signs them up for every night BEFORE sign-up. One night, someone with our group was signing up for the TV and third in line... well, when she got to the front, all 7 nights was already signed up for... Since she was 3rd in line, we absolutely knew what was happening.
Here's the issue, though. If we say something to the C.O.'s, everyone will suffer. All the TVs will become off limits. That's how things work here. The bad acts of a few will result in punishment of the whole. So, for the last three weeks, we have allowed these individuals to be "entitled" to their TV room. We do not get to watch our shows. Mind you, the same thing they watch in the TV room (The Voice or X Factor), is also playing in the Atrium. We just accept this entitlement. That's how things go here. If you do not want to fight over STUPID issues, you just let them slide. Then, you find yourself just accepting the way things are. There are those in power, even among the inmates, and those without power (those of us trying to avoid losing good time or going to the SHU). This is just daily life in Carswell...
I found myself stuck with an entitlement yesterday. In the middle of my afternoon class teaching, the teaching staff came into my classroom and informed the students that since our teacher is not here (she's been gone over a month), they are dismantling the classes and moving all the students to other classrooms. Another teacher had been supervising me, but that was supposed to be only temporary. I sat in my chair, at my desk, stunned. I knew the students were doing well (in fact, many tested yesterday on a status check called a "TABE" and they are all moving up one step closer to taking the GED). Two students learned they passed the GED this week. Two more students are waiting for their GED scores. I'm so proud of the work we've been doing.
The teacher announced that I will be moving to his classroom as a third tutor. This was the first I've heard of this. I am being moved from a classroom where I was head tutor, responsible for curriculum, teaching, grading, and working directly with the teaching staff, to a third tutor, which means for now (at least) I will not be teaching. They made sure I knew that this was not a reflection on my work, as they know the students have been learning. It is just that they are not allowed to have a classroom without a staff teacher assigned. I knew this could occur, but I did not realize there would not be another teaching tutor position immediately available. In the new classroom I will have no desk, no curriculum planning, and I will just be more of a grader/gopher (they will ask me to do what they want around tutoring and I will do it). Sometimes, these extra tutors are asked to do more manual labor. It didn't really hit me until I was back at my unit, how unbelievably sad I am.
I've found 7 hours/day of time where I feel useful and almost forget I am in prison. My students and I were getting along well, had found a rhythm with the curriculum, and were making things work (even without a staff teacher). It was the time of every day that I was not stressed out. Working as a tutor has been the highlight of my days here. With this change, I am just sad and mad that I am losing this one thing I love. The head tutor in the classroom I am moving to, has 7 more years here. She is not going anywhere. So, grading papers it will be for me.
These feelings I had, were my entitlements. In a way, by being a teaching tutor, I actually was happy. I believed I could keep this position as long as I did a good job. However, I am just an inmate. I need to keep reminding myself that. As an inmate, my life can change here without notice. This change to my job is exactly what happens to other inmates every day. The anger I felt at the change was, likely, more about the fact that I have no rights, than the necessary change they were doing for the students in the classroom without a supervising teacher. I am not in prison to work. I am here to do my time and get home. I said the serenity prayer a lot last night. I did not sleep well. But, today, I am at acceptance. There is no where else healthy that my mind can be at while I am in this place.
From Dragonfly: Making 100
I've mentioned before that we have inspection weekly in our unit. Every unit does. It is done by someone who works in psychology (from what I've been told). Not sure the connection. Anyway, we never know what weekday we will be inspected. And, while formal inspection can happen any day, we have an informal inspection by our C.O. every day. So, here's what we need to do to prepare for inspection:
1) Every bed MUST be made properly. This means that our covers are tucked under the mattress smoothly on all 4 sides. Any sheets/blankets not already on the bed, must be perfectly folded and piled at the end of the bed.
2) Shoes not being worn, must be under the bed and against the back wall. One laundry bag per inmate can also be under the bed and out of site.
3) Our lockers must be closed and locked.
4) There are hooks/string outside the lockers. We can have the following hanging using separate hangers on the hooks/string: One fully pressed uniform, one towel, a winter coat. That is all. Everything else we own, MUST be inside our locked locker.
5) Our unit must be dusted; this includes windows, the bars on our windows, top of lockers, top of personalized picture boards, the built in table and stool, and our bunk beds.
6) Our floor must be swept and mopped.
7) Our trash can must be emptied, cleaned out, and turned upside down.
From 7:30am-3:30pm Mondays-Fridays and from 9:30am-3:30pm Saturdays-Sundays, our rooms MUST be in this cleaned shape. If we were to lie on our bed, we must lie on top of our fully made bed. Those are the rules. Every person in the room must help with the cleaning. My days are Saturday and Sunday, because I am the only one in the room with a M-F job outside the room (they are all usually still asleep when I leave for the day). We all make our own beds and lock our lockers.
The formal inspection starts with a score of 100. If something is found wrong in any room they check (random checks), the score is lower. For the last 3 weeks, we have had a perfect 100, but prior to that, we were usually down around 95 or 96 (not good!). In addition to searching the rooms, formal inspection looks at the bathrooms, laundry room, atrium, TV rooms, etc. Nothing is off limits in the unit. For these reasons, many people work as "orderlies" in the unit. They are the people who sweep and mop the common areas, clean off all our tables, wash all our showers and toilet areas, clean the laundry rooms, empty large trash cans, and ensure all public space is clean. Two of my roommates, Army and Braids, work as orderlies. They usually have to clean their area 2x/day, as well as whenever we know that the inspector is on their way.
Our daytime C.O. stresses our cleanliness a lot. For that reason, she does a daily check of our space. If anything is out of place, she will choose to do a "locker check" as well (where she unlocks our locked locker and goes through it looking for contraband). This is a very scary thought for many inmates. They may have food they didn't purchase, craft projects without permission, food from the kitchen, weapons (hopefully not), too many books (yes, we are limited), too many shorts/tshirts (we are limited there as well), etc. If she finds something we are not supposed to have, she confiscates them. If we can't prove we are supposed to have the item(s), they are gone forever. Therefore, a good inspection is important every day.
Our C.O. seems to be having difficulties with the inspector this week. For that reason, the inspector has said that he will come EVERY DAY for formal inspection. So far, he's checked it out twice. This is stressful on everyone in the unit. Our weekly score is important - it decides our order for the following week's meals, and, therefore, access to all other places on campus. Being able to eat early in the rotation can mean a difference of 1 1/2 to 2 hours some nights. Until released for our meal, we are locked in our units. Not sure if a daily inspection will yield a 100 for the 4th week in a row, but I can say that the stress of the daily clean seems to be on everyone these days!
1) Every bed MUST be made properly. This means that our covers are tucked under the mattress smoothly on all 4 sides. Any sheets/blankets not already on the bed, must be perfectly folded and piled at the end of the bed.
2) Shoes not being worn, must be under the bed and against the back wall. One laundry bag per inmate can also be under the bed and out of site.
3) Our lockers must be closed and locked.
4) There are hooks/string outside the lockers. We can have the following hanging using separate hangers on the hooks/string: One fully pressed uniform, one towel, a winter coat. That is all. Everything else we own, MUST be inside our locked locker.
5) Our unit must be dusted; this includes windows, the bars on our windows, top of lockers, top of personalized picture boards, the built in table and stool, and our bunk beds.
6) Our floor must be swept and mopped.
7) Our trash can must be emptied, cleaned out, and turned upside down.
From 7:30am-3:30pm Mondays-Fridays and from 9:30am-3:30pm Saturdays-Sundays, our rooms MUST be in this cleaned shape. If we were to lie on our bed, we must lie on top of our fully made bed. Those are the rules. Every person in the room must help with the cleaning. My days are Saturday and Sunday, because I am the only one in the room with a M-F job outside the room (they are all usually still asleep when I leave for the day). We all make our own beds and lock our lockers.
The formal inspection starts with a score of 100. If something is found wrong in any room they check (random checks), the score is lower. For the last 3 weeks, we have had a perfect 100, but prior to that, we were usually down around 95 or 96 (not good!). In addition to searching the rooms, formal inspection looks at the bathrooms, laundry room, atrium, TV rooms, etc. Nothing is off limits in the unit. For these reasons, many people work as "orderlies" in the unit. They are the people who sweep and mop the common areas, clean off all our tables, wash all our showers and toilet areas, clean the laundry rooms, empty large trash cans, and ensure all public space is clean. Two of my roommates, Army and Braids, work as orderlies. They usually have to clean their area 2x/day, as well as whenever we know that the inspector is on their way.
Our daytime C.O. stresses our cleanliness a lot. For that reason, she does a daily check of our space. If anything is out of place, she will choose to do a "locker check" as well (where she unlocks our locked locker and goes through it looking for contraband). This is a very scary thought for many inmates. They may have food they didn't purchase, craft projects without permission, food from the kitchen, weapons (hopefully not), too many books (yes, we are limited), too many shorts/tshirts (we are limited there as well), etc. If she finds something we are not supposed to have, she confiscates them. If we can't prove we are supposed to have the item(s), they are gone forever. Therefore, a good inspection is important every day.
Our C.O. seems to be having difficulties with the inspector this week. For that reason, the inspector has said that he will come EVERY DAY for formal inspection. So far, he's checked it out twice. This is stressful on everyone in the unit. Our weekly score is important - it decides our order for the following week's meals, and, therefore, access to all other places on campus. Being able to eat early in the rotation can mean a difference of 1 1/2 to 2 hours some nights. Until released for our meal, we are locked in our units. Not sure if a daily inspection will yield a 100 for the 4th week in a row, but I can say that the stress of the daily clean seems to be on everyone these days!
Tuesday, October 22, 2013
From Dragonfly: The Great Outdoors
I've had several people ask me about what happens on the outside of the prison buildings. We are based on a compound with a good amount of outdoor space. There is a ball field, soccer field, sand volleyball, horse shoes, half basketball court, walking track (concrete), many benches, and more. We have a building called "outdoor rec," where inmates can borrow sports equipment in exchange for their i.d. There are softball teams that are playing each other right now. I think that ends in a week or so. I guess they do summer volleyball (if there is enough interest). There are tournaments, walks for cancer, outdoor karaoke days, and more. However, these events are very rare. I've seen one each since my arrival. Any time there is not a requirement to be in our housing units, inmates are outside doing something. There are many benches set up by the housing units, where inmates just sit and talk and/or wait for "open move" so they can go in to their unit. There's a covered area of benches and tables, in case it is raining as well.
It sounds nice, right? Well, each area of the outdoors is controlled by a group (for the most part). You don't want to wander, accidentally, into space that is not yours. Inmates believe they are "entitled" to own a table or a bench. It can get really old fast, if you don't intend to fight. So, unless I am sitting on a bench or the edge of the grass waiting for open move, I don't spend a lot of time outdoors.
I do walk between the buildings and enjoy the fresh air throughout the day. I, also, will meet up with Freckles at times by outdoor rec (now that she has moved out of the housing unit). We will sit on a bench by the walking track and talk or last weekend, I brought a crossword book and we did a crossword together. WE are nerds and proud of it! Ha.
Also, the weather was way to hot and sunny my first months here for me to be outside. A lot of sun is bad with the medication I am on. Also, the humidity was crazy with 90+ degree weather every day. Now, I'll sit on a bench outside between lunch and work (about 20 minutes) and enjoy a 60-something or 70-something degree day. Much more my style. Even my hair is less wavy now that the humidity has lessened.
There is always trouble brewing outside... people getting caught having sex, fights and more fights, dealing pills, smoking (not allowed), etc. I really do not want to be in the wrong place at the wrong time!! This is why I spend most of my down time in my unit. I can easily go to my room if something is brewing (3 fights in our unit just yesterday), and I can work on crafts, talk with people, make a meal, or watch TV at the atrium tables. It feels safer and I am not 100% on guard. That is more my style.
It sounds nice, right? Well, each area of the outdoors is controlled by a group (for the most part). You don't want to wander, accidentally, into space that is not yours. Inmates believe they are "entitled" to own a table or a bench. It can get really old fast, if you don't intend to fight. So, unless I am sitting on a bench or the edge of the grass waiting for open move, I don't spend a lot of time outdoors.
I do walk between the buildings and enjoy the fresh air throughout the day. I, also, will meet up with Freckles at times by outdoor rec (now that she has moved out of the housing unit). We will sit on a bench by the walking track and talk or last weekend, I brought a crossword book and we did a crossword together. WE are nerds and proud of it! Ha.
Also, the weather was way to hot and sunny my first months here for me to be outside. A lot of sun is bad with the medication I am on. Also, the humidity was crazy with 90+ degree weather every day. Now, I'll sit on a bench outside between lunch and work (about 20 minutes) and enjoy a 60-something or 70-something degree day. Much more my style. Even my hair is less wavy now that the humidity has lessened.
There is always trouble brewing outside... people getting caught having sex, fights and more fights, dealing pills, smoking (not allowed), etc. I really do not want to be in the wrong place at the wrong time!! This is why I spend most of my down time in my unit. I can easily go to my room if something is brewing (3 fights in our unit just yesterday), and I can work on crafts, talk with people, make a meal, or watch TV at the atrium tables. It feels safer and I am not 100% on guard. That is more my style.
Monday, October 21, 2013
From Dragonfly: Making Bracelets
I'm a hustler. I've never been a hustler, but it appears I am one. The other day I was making some "friendship style" bracelets out of embroidery string. It is a "talent" I've had due to my camp days. I make them in two styles. I decided to make some for Star's daughters. I was bored. Other people saw me doing it and asked, "how much do you charge?" Ummm, nothing. That makes a bad hustler, but it's against the rules to sell items for commissary here. It doesn't stop anyone, though. It's how many people here get goods from commissary. For example, a painted mug may cost a jar of peanut butter, a package of cookies, some tuna, and a ranch dressing. A Christmas stocking (more expensive) may cost a 6-pack of soda, chips, taco meat, mozzarella style cheese, and a raine of yarn. All these exchanges for goods are against the rules, but people do them to survive. My bracelets are popular, and I need to purchase embroidery string to make them, so they cost me money to make. It takes about 45 minutes to make a decent one, so time is involved as well. My roommate told me to charge $3 for 1 or 2 for $5. I sat on it for a day, but couldn't do it. I currently have 3 orders for bracelets, totalling 7 bracelets. They want different colors. One wants a different tying technique I've not used, but must learn. I put my crochet down to start making these (it hurts my hand way less), but I want to finish the project I've been working on there. So, I'm not sure I'll be in the business of making bracelets very long. Plus, anyone can learn to do them the same way, so competition will come (which is more than fine with me). They will likely charge the $3 per bracelet and be paid in a lot of commissary goods. That's surviving in prison.
I never thought I would have ever been part of the underground market. As you know, I've said that I will not engage in that market at all. Within weeks here, though, one realizes that they must, unfortunately, engage in activities (like food trades) they never imagined they'd do. People sneak butter out of the dining hall because they need it for their recipe, and there's no way to purchase it. People ask others to make cards for them to send to loved ones, because the lined paper and basic envelopes lack fun. People ask others to do their hair, to do their homework (unfortunately), and to do their laundry. There are even people here who get goods for making other people's beds. They bring in no money, or such little money, that they must hustle to survive. How else could they afford their deodorant or shampoo? The stuff the prison gives us is horrible. Everyone needs something and people are willing to make it or do it, to survive here as comfortably as possible. I can't say that I've never engaged on this market. There have been moments when I've needed something, or someone else has, and a choice is made. I hate that it is not possible to just get butter or not to have to choose between a meal and doing one's own laundry. But, such is reality in prison. Sometimes, the hustlers win out. It just is what it is.
I never thought I would have ever been part of the underground market. As you know, I've said that I will not engage in that market at all. Within weeks here, though, one realizes that they must, unfortunately, engage in activities (like food trades) they never imagined they'd do. People sneak butter out of the dining hall because they need it for their recipe, and there's no way to purchase it. People ask others to make cards for them to send to loved ones, because the lined paper and basic envelopes lack fun. People ask others to do their hair, to do their homework (unfortunately), and to do their laundry. There are even people here who get goods for making other people's beds. They bring in no money, or such little money, that they must hustle to survive. How else could they afford their deodorant or shampoo? The stuff the prison gives us is horrible. Everyone needs something and people are willing to make it or do it, to survive here as comfortably as possible. I can't say that I've never engaged on this market. There have been moments when I've needed something, or someone else has, and a choice is made. I hate that it is not possible to just get butter or not to have to choose between a meal and doing one's own laundry. But, such is reality in prison. Sometimes, the hustlers win out. It just is what it is.
Friday, October 18, 2013
From Dragonfly: Time Management
There is no such thing as time management in prison. If I have to be at two places at the same time, I have to be there, there is no waiting until I'm done with what I am doing. Having a job, makes it nearly impossible to do everything I have to do. For example, my enbryl shots are on the call-out sheet for 7:45am on Mondays and Fridays. However, I am at work starting at 7:30 and start teaching at 7:45 am. The nurses were cool with this before, and allowed me to come in at 10:30am, when my second class leaves for the morning. It was working great. However, new nurses are doing the shots, and they will NOT be flexible. If I have to go to the 7:45am call-out, I will not be able to get to my classroom until AT LEAST 8:45am, when the next "open call" occurs. Sometimes, they don't take us for an hour, and those days, I wouldn't be able to work until 9:45. Today, since I couldn't leave my job (no one to take over my class), I have not gotten my shot. I went up there a bit ago, but was told to come back at 12:45... but I start work again at 12:30pm. It's a lose-lose situation and I hate being in it. Plus, the nurses failed to put me on the call-out today, so I can't leave work without an official call-out. So, I will probably not be able to get my shot today. :-(
These kinds of predicaments happen all the time... breakfast or laundry or commissary (all at the same hour)... medical sick call or job responsibilities... seeing your case worker or job responsibilities... seeing your counselor or job responsibilities... Every day is a conflict. Those without jobs can go to the open house hours of medical, case workers, or counselors any time. Those with jobs cannot. Without being able to talk to them during their open house, we cannot see the status of our case, request updates, or push them to work on our files. They need us to check in with them now and then...
I always considered myself good at time management. In prison, it is an impossible skill. Somehow, we are to do magic, and be in multiple places at the same time. So instead, we must push important things to later, hoping that we will get a day off or some random time or be called out to a meeting (which rarely happens).
These kinds of predicaments happen all the time... breakfast or laundry or commissary (all at the same hour)... medical sick call or job responsibilities... seeing your case worker or job responsibilities... seeing your counselor or job responsibilities... Every day is a conflict. Those without jobs can go to the open house hours of medical, case workers, or counselors any time. Those with jobs cannot. Without being able to talk to them during their open house, we cannot see the status of our case, request updates, or push them to work on our files. They need us to check in with them now and then...
I always considered myself good at time management. In prison, it is an impossible skill. Somehow, we are to do magic, and be in multiple places at the same time. So instead, we must push important things to later, hoping that we will get a day off or some random time or be called out to a meeting (which rarely happens).
From Dragonfly: The Neighborhood
Living in the unit is just like living in any neighborhood - except it's all women (minus a few boi's here and there). There are the old ladies who hang out on their sitting walkers, just like the ones that would be on their front stoop, watching the madness, but keeping as far away as possible. There are the ghetto kids, loud, obnoxious and seeking attention. Going in and out of the SHU is a part of their normal existence. There are the drug pushers - those who somehow steal their meds before they are swallowed and sell them for a pretty penny. There are the hustlers, who will do absolutely anything to get what they want, but never spend their own money. There are the rich kids, who have a new pair of tennis shoes practically every month. There are the welfare kids, who need to look to the trash to find a used pair of tennis shoes. There are the whores, who will sleep with practically anybody, and the lovers, who will only sleep with each other. There are the prudes, who are disgusted by the scenes of affection, and the voyeurs, who do not participate, but love to watch. The gossip is rampant throughout the neighborhood, regardless of what "clicks" one fits in. There are racists, republicans, democrats, and non-political people. There are those that feel "entitled" based on however they were treated prior to coming the neighborhood. They will make anyone that stands in their way of leisure feel sorry they crossed their path. There are the news junkies and the sports junkies. There are the equivalent of old men, who play cards every day to pass the time. There are the servants (unfortunately), who do other people's laundry and iron every day for survival. There are immigrants and citizens to the neighborhood. There are too many languages to count. People tend to hang with "their type," even if they are friends across the lines. Everyone is fearful of the "police" and what they will do when they enter the neighborhood. Suddenly, everyone will behave... some will "suck up" to the police, most just try to keep their head down. There are those people who live solely in the past and what their lives were like before coming to the neighborhood, and those who live in the future imagining what life will be like once they get out of the neighborhood. There are those who are high all the time and those who are trying to stay off drugs, but have a hard time doing so. There are the kids who wear their pants below their butts, and those who look like nerds. There are kids who always have big headphones on, and those who ask them to turn down their music. Yep, being in 1 South is like being in any city neighborhood. We can't escape the reality of what got us here and we all have to deal with each other's existence one way or another.
From Dragonfly: Looking Out for South
I've mentioned the medical care and South before, but I have to write about this morning's reality. South has continued to have breathing issues. She has gone to sick call three times. They keep just sending her back to the unit with no real answers. This morning, I saw her by the bathrooms, literally about to pass out. I grabbed a chair and sat her down. She had tears in her eyes. She has NEVER cried before - not even when missing her family. She is a strong woman who tries not to show emotions. But this morning, the tears came. She told me that she is "just done." She had severely labored breathing and had been up since 3:30am without the ability to breath easily. She used a nebulizer and her inhaler, but neither was helping. I went to the C.O. on duty and asked him to help. I wanted to be able to take her to the medical clinic.
He said, "again?!?!" looking really annoyed. Since South keeps having this breathing trouble, he now thinks that South is trouble and FAKING! I can tell you, she is NOT FAKING. The woman went from being a strong, capable woman to frail and ghostly within just the last two weeks. Each time we've taken her to the clinic, they spend some time observing her, see that her oxygen is falling into the 80's and her blood pressure is high, but then send her back to the unit. She had to borrow oxygen and a nebulizer.
The C.O. then turned to me and asked me, "what does she want? does she want to be moved? no one needs this much help - especially if they keep sending her back..." blah, blah, blah. I just looked at him and said, "I am not a doctor, but she can't breath. I just want to help her." He did not. He called the Physician's Assistant on duty and told him, "it's her again... she says she can't breath well... I think something else is wrong with her... she just keeps complaining..." I couldn't believe my ears. We are in a MEDICAL FACILITY. People here are sick, some are sick and the doctors are not giving them the right medications or they have flare ups. To see the staff here acting so callous just makes me sick. One woman died from negligence last week. But, this time, it's South.
I had to go to ANOTHER unit to beg for a wheel chair to take South to the clinic. Our C.O. would not help. Thank god the other C.O. took her/us seriously. South waited 15 minutes in the clinic before someone took her in the back to the observation room. At that point, I had to return the wheelchair to the unit I borrowed it from and then go to work (I will get written up if I am late, even if it was to help another inmate).
I just saw Star and another inmate in line for lunch. They said that South is back in our unit and on 24 hour oxygen now. She also has a walker with a seat. I'm glad they are doing something for her. They are also getting fluid out of her lungs somehow. It shouldn't have taken so long to help her, but I hope this all works. I pray that tomorrow morning I do not have to face my C.O. again. So disrespectful! We may be at a medical center, but people will do anything to avoid being seen medically here. I'm just going to put my prayers toward South and hope that she feels better soon. I'm afraid what will happen if her health continues to decrease.
He said, "again?!?!" looking really annoyed. Since South keeps having this breathing trouble, he now thinks that South is trouble and FAKING! I can tell you, she is NOT FAKING. The woman went from being a strong, capable woman to frail and ghostly within just the last two weeks. Each time we've taken her to the clinic, they spend some time observing her, see that her oxygen is falling into the 80's and her blood pressure is high, but then send her back to the unit. She had to borrow oxygen and a nebulizer.
The C.O. then turned to me and asked me, "what does she want? does she want to be moved? no one needs this much help - especially if they keep sending her back..." blah, blah, blah. I just looked at him and said, "I am not a doctor, but she can't breath. I just want to help her." He did not. He called the Physician's Assistant on duty and told him, "it's her again... she says she can't breath well... I think something else is wrong with her... she just keeps complaining..." I couldn't believe my ears. We are in a MEDICAL FACILITY. People here are sick, some are sick and the doctors are not giving them the right medications or they have flare ups. To see the staff here acting so callous just makes me sick. One woman died from negligence last week. But, this time, it's South.
I had to go to ANOTHER unit to beg for a wheel chair to take South to the clinic. Our C.O. would not help. Thank god the other C.O. took her/us seriously. South waited 15 minutes in the clinic before someone took her in the back to the observation room. At that point, I had to return the wheelchair to the unit I borrowed it from and then go to work (I will get written up if I am late, even if it was to help another inmate).
I just saw Star and another inmate in line for lunch. They said that South is back in our unit and on 24 hour oxygen now. She also has a walker with a seat. I'm glad they are doing something for her. They are also getting fluid out of her lungs somehow. It shouldn't have taken so long to help her, but I hope this all works. I pray that tomorrow morning I do not have to face my C.O. again. So disrespectful! We may be at a medical center, but people will do anything to avoid being seen medically here. I'm just going to put my prayers toward South and hope that she feels better soon. I'm afraid what will happen if her health continues to decrease.
Wednesday, October 16, 2013
From Dragonfly: Some Days Will Be Lonely
Yesterday was a tough day for me. It was a federal holiday, so I didn't work. I also didn't feel too well. But mostly, I was just plain old bored and lonely. Sure, I had several friends around. But, they aren't my close friends. They are special in their own way, as we go through this experience together, but my selfless friends from the outside, that keep in touch with me, send me positive thoughts, and/or just care as much as they do - I miss them a lot! I know that once all this is over, my life will move forward, but the life I left will be forever changed. Changes can be good or bad, but any change can be difficult, as I really enjoyed the life I was living before incarceration. Not the life that led to my incarceration, but the life I built through recovery, friendship, love, and compassion.
Some days, I wish I could go to sleep early and just wake up in another day. I could count that day done and be one day closer to my release. There are people who CHOOSE to violate their probation so that they do 10 months inside, rather than 3 years "on paper" (supervised release) on the outside. I can't ever imagine making that decision. Every day in here is long. Every day in here, I am away from everything and everyone I love. I feel more and more distant from the life I once lived.
I read a lot yesterday. I am reading so many different authors, sometimes the stories get mixed up together. I'm reading about 3-4 books every week. This is the most I've read in my life! I am still enjoying crocheting, but my hands only allow me to crochet for a while before it is too painful. I am catching up on letter writing, best I can. But once again, my hands have difficulty writing for too long. I miss typing letters, on my computer!
I wrote a new list yesterday... things I am missing from the outside (other than people). The list includes:
- Eating a fresh ice cream cone
- Walking barefoot on the grass
- Having a puppy lick my cheek
- Walking on carpet
- Showering without shoes on
- Getting a pedicure
- Wearing a necklace
- Wearing colors
- Searching the Internet
- Grocery shopping
- Dinner with friends
- Sushi
- Riding my scooter
- Driving a car
- Going to a movie and, also, eating movie theater popcorn
- Wearing jeans
- Wearing my hats
- Fun socks!
- Doing laundry on my own time
- Skyping
- Text messaging
- Refrigerating my food
- Soap in bathrooms
- Not carrying around my toilet paper
- Phone calls that aren't timed
- Playing dorky video games
- Drinking a chai tea latte
- Studying at a cafe
- Researching something important
- Writing papers (not kidding!)
- Reading a newspaper
- Watching Netflix (Doctor Who, Movies, etc.!)
- Spending a lazy day in bed
- Wearing sunglasses
- Throwing a stone into a pond
- Planning a vacation
- Short road trips
- Geo caching
- Decorating my home
- Sitting on a couch
- Silence (!!!)
- Attending G.A. meetings
- Listening to NPR
- Seeing a good play/musical
- Exploring new restaurants
- Smelling fresh flowers
- Giving friends gifts
- Sitting by a fire getting warm
- Cuddling with a dog
- Hearing my favorite tunes
- Surfing television channels
- Facebook updates of my friends
- Taking photos
and much, much more!
Some days, I wish I could go to sleep early and just wake up in another day. I could count that day done and be one day closer to my release. There are people who CHOOSE to violate their probation so that they do 10 months inside, rather than 3 years "on paper" (supervised release) on the outside. I can't ever imagine making that decision. Every day in here is long. Every day in here, I am away from everything and everyone I love. I feel more and more distant from the life I once lived.
I read a lot yesterday. I am reading so many different authors, sometimes the stories get mixed up together. I'm reading about 3-4 books every week. This is the most I've read in my life! I am still enjoying crocheting, but my hands only allow me to crochet for a while before it is too painful. I am catching up on letter writing, best I can. But once again, my hands have difficulty writing for too long. I miss typing letters, on my computer!
I wrote a new list yesterday... things I am missing from the outside (other than people). The list includes:
- Eating a fresh ice cream cone
- Walking barefoot on the grass
- Having a puppy lick my cheek
- Walking on carpet
- Showering without shoes on
- Getting a pedicure
- Wearing a necklace
- Wearing colors
- Searching the Internet
- Grocery shopping
- Dinner with friends
- Sushi
- Riding my scooter
- Driving a car
- Going to a movie and, also, eating movie theater popcorn
- Wearing jeans
- Wearing my hats
- Fun socks!
- Doing laundry on my own time
- Skyping
- Text messaging
- Refrigerating my food
- Soap in bathrooms
- Not carrying around my toilet paper
- Phone calls that aren't timed
- Playing dorky video games
- Drinking a chai tea latte
- Studying at a cafe
- Researching something important
- Writing papers (not kidding!)
- Reading a newspaper
- Watching Netflix (Doctor Who, Movies, etc.!)
- Spending a lazy day in bed
- Wearing sunglasses
- Throwing a stone into a pond
- Planning a vacation
- Short road trips
- Geo caching
- Decorating my home
- Sitting on a couch
- Silence (!!!)
- Attending G.A. meetings
- Listening to NPR
- Seeing a good play/musical
- Exploring new restaurants
- Smelling fresh flowers
- Giving friends gifts
- Sitting by a fire getting warm
- Cuddling with a dog
- Hearing my favorite tunes
- Surfing television channels
- Facebook updates of my friends
- Taking photos
and much, much more!
Tuesday, October 15, 2013
From Dragonfly: Sexuality and Gender
I wrote something about sexuality and gender early in my stay here and sent it to Cache. Maybe, if she has time, she will share it with everyone. However, I just want to write about a conversation in my room yesterday. It started with a young, very masculine, boi coming to our room to talk with one of my roommates. I asked my roommate if this young woman is actually transgender in the outside world. I worry about how these F-to-M trans people have to claim to be female in prison in order to have the safety of being at a women's prison. There seem to be a lot of them. Based on my knowledge of the LGBT community and work specifically with trans individuals, I worry about how their identity may be conflicted while incarcerated. Anyway, Army said, "yes, I think they do identify as male in the outside world." That made sense to me.
Anyway, then Bandanna, my roommate who identifies as lesbian and has been locked up for 12 years since she was 19 years old, starts going through a trans-phobic dialogue. She also indicates that any woman who has ever been with a guy can't be lesbian. Braids, my other roommate, then pipes in about how if someone is male identified, they are still a woman if they have female body parts. Isn't this the same kinds of arguments we all hear on the outside?
I try to explain that there is a difference between gender and sexuality. There is also a difference between identity and behavior. Okay, other than to Army, I'm talking to two walls. Bandanna and Braids are certainly NOT open to anything I am saying. Well, I guess most people in this world wouldn't understand this either. I speak from an academic and personal experience point of view, they speak from emotions. No one can ever agree when you come at things from different perspectives. I finally just said, "yeah, okay," and left it at that. I have to remember that I am surrounded by people who lived in very different environments than I have. Not that my environments were any better than theirs, but we have different life experiences to base our understanding of things on. I just wish I could have some way to help against the homophobia and transphobia that exists behind these walls.
It may sound funny that I talk of homophobia, when nearly 90% of the women I meet are having relationships with other women. Most see it as a "choice," very different from identity and very different than the reality of LGBT people on the outside. It's like actual attraction/love has so little to do with these relationships. They are distractions from the reality here. They are a way to put our energy on other people and not focus on ourselves and the growth we need. Having been a scholar and advocate of the LGBTQ community for years, I am totally taken aback by the reality of these existences within prison. It is night and day from what we see outside prisons. Once these women leave prison, most are looking forward to being back with their boyfriends, husbands, or finding some new guy. These relationships in here are just a way to pass the time (not all, but it appears that way for the most part).
As for me, I am sticking with what I wrote before I ever came to prison. I am not interested in anything other than friendships. Danbury "informed" me that she believes two different women have crushes on me. I think she's nuts. I don't see it and I also am not interested in anything. I just want to do my time and get home to my friends and family. That is all I want. I appreciate my friendships/acquaintances. I actually hope to keep in touch with a few of them upon my release (when we are allowed). But, my goal is to get through this on my own. I walked in by myself and I will walk out by myself. One of the scariest things I've heard (more than once) is when one woman is near release and her girlfriend asks her to not go - to get in trouble or refuse halfway house in order to stay longer. Nothing could be MORE selfish! No one should WANT to be in prison any longer than they have to. These women should be happy for their girlfriends. If they really loved them, they would want what is best for them. Being in prison, is not what is best! If for some reason it is meant to be that they are to be together, it will happen, one day, when they are both free.
Okay, off my soap box and back to reality...
Anyway, then Bandanna, my roommate who identifies as lesbian and has been locked up for 12 years since she was 19 years old, starts going through a trans-phobic dialogue. She also indicates that any woman who has ever been with a guy can't be lesbian. Braids, my other roommate, then pipes in about how if someone is male identified, they are still a woman if they have female body parts. Isn't this the same kinds of arguments we all hear on the outside?
I try to explain that there is a difference between gender and sexuality. There is also a difference between identity and behavior. Okay, other than to Army, I'm talking to two walls. Bandanna and Braids are certainly NOT open to anything I am saying. Well, I guess most people in this world wouldn't understand this either. I speak from an academic and personal experience point of view, they speak from emotions. No one can ever agree when you come at things from different perspectives. I finally just said, "yeah, okay," and left it at that. I have to remember that I am surrounded by people who lived in very different environments than I have. Not that my environments were any better than theirs, but we have different life experiences to base our understanding of things on. I just wish I could have some way to help against the homophobia and transphobia that exists behind these walls.
It may sound funny that I talk of homophobia, when nearly 90% of the women I meet are having relationships with other women. Most see it as a "choice," very different from identity and very different than the reality of LGBT people on the outside. It's like actual attraction/love has so little to do with these relationships. They are distractions from the reality here. They are a way to put our energy on other people and not focus on ourselves and the growth we need. Having been a scholar and advocate of the LGBTQ community for years, I am totally taken aback by the reality of these existences within prison. It is night and day from what we see outside prisons. Once these women leave prison, most are looking forward to being back with their boyfriends, husbands, or finding some new guy. These relationships in here are just a way to pass the time (not all, but it appears that way for the most part).
As for me, I am sticking with what I wrote before I ever came to prison. I am not interested in anything other than friendships. Danbury "informed" me that she believes two different women have crushes on me. I think she's nuts. I don't see it and I also am not interested in anything. I just want to do my time and get home to my friends and family. That is all I want. I appreciate my friendships/acquaintances. I actually hope to keep in touch with a few of them upon my release (when we are allowed). But, my goal is to get through this on my own. I walked in by myself and I will walk out by myself. One of the scariest things I've heard (more than once) is when one woman is near release and her girlfriend asks her to not go - to get in trouble or refuse halfway house in order to stay longer. Nothing could be MORE selfish! No one should WANT to be in prison any longer than they have to. These women should be happy for their girlfriends. If they really loved them, they would want what is best for them. Being in prison, is not what is best! If for some reason it is meant to be that they are to be together, it will happen, one day, when they are both free.
Okay, off my soap box and back to reality...
Sunday, October 13, 2013
From Dragonfly: It Takes Two Months
I guess you could say that I'm acclimated to the prison life now. I know what I'm doing, where I'm going, who to avoid, who to talk with, most of the rules, and how to spend my time. I used to be in my room 80% of the time, but now, I am closer to 25% of the time. Living on the first floor, near the open atrium, made all the difference. I tend to hang out at one of the tables, with South, Danbury, Freckles (before she was moved), Star, Appeal, and others that happen along. We usually are working on some craft idea, making dinner, or watching one of the TV's. I wish we gossiped less, but that is the par for the course in prison. What happened to whom and when... the highlights of the day. For example, a new officer was working on our unit last night. She searched numerous lockers and made rounds, making sure her chains weren't jingling so she could catch people doing things they weren't supposed to be doing. Every time she found something "wrong," we just sat there, watched (like everyone else sitting at the tables) and then gossiped. It is not the right thing to do - as any of us could be on the other side of that gossip any day. I try to know what is going on, but I try to not judge the person getting in trouble. The rules here do not always make sense and, often, until we are caught doing something we aren't supposed to be doing, we don't even realize that we are doing something wrong!
Yesterday, was a good afternoon. I sat in the tv news/sports room and watched college football. The team from my university was playing and won big. Unfortunately, the other games we were watching due to other fans in the room, didn't fare so well. It was nice to be rooting for my team, though, and have a little normalcy for a couple hours. Star and South watched along with me. Army and Ark were there too, but they were watching other games. We had to flip back and forth a lot between the various games any of us were keeping an eye on. Too bad they don't have a screen within a screen tv and we could watch numerous games at the same time!
I also wrote a couple letters yesterday, but realized quickly that the pain in my right arm/hand, made it impossible to write as many as I had hoped. I need to just write 1-2 letters/day and know that I can't get back to everyone as timely as I want to. I hope today can be as easy a day as yesterday. There's no telling. Any moment can change a day around here. I guess it takes two months to be able to just accept that this is life for now. Every day feels like a week, every week, a month, and every month a year. In my head, I've been here 2 years, rather than 8 weeks. Still more days to do than days til I am home. One day at a time.
Yesterday, was a good afternoon. I sat in the tv news/sports room and watched college football. The team from my university was playing and won big. Unfortunately, the other games we were watching due to other fans in the room, didn't fare so well. It was nice to be rooting for my team, though, and have a little normalcy for a couple hours. Star and South watched along with me. Army and Ark were there too, but they were watching other games. We had to flip back and forth a lot between the various games any of us were keeping an eye on. Too bad they don't have a screen within a screen tv and we could watch numerous games at the same time!
I also wrote a couple letters yesterday, but realized quickly that the pain in my right arm/hand, made it impossible to write as many as I had hoped. I need to just write 1-2 letters/day and know that I can't get back to everyone as timely as I want to. I hope today can be as easy a day as yesterday. There's no telling. Any moment can change a day around here. I guess it takes two months to be able to just accept that this is life for now. Every day feels like a week, every week, a month, and every month a year. In my head, I've been here 2 years, rather than 8 weeks. Still more days to do than days til I am home. One day at a time.
From Dragonfly: 101 Uses of a Maxi-Pad in Prison
There are just a handful of items provided for free in prison. One of those items is basic maxi-pad. Obviously, this is because at a woman's prison, you cannot expect women to not have menstruation protection. So, since they are free, women use them for all kinds of purposes... here is a list of the HIGHLIGHTS of I wrote when I came up with "101 Uses of a Maxi-Pad in Prison." All these are true observations... either by me, or someone within my unit. Thank you to Freckles, South, Danbury, Star, Appeal, and more for the suggestions!!!
1. Coaster
2. Hanger Padding (to avoid wrinkling)
3. Mop
4. Duster
5. Shoulder Pads
6. Eye Mask
...
10. Shower Shoes
11. Ear Plugs
12. Door Stop
...
14. Toilet Paper
15. Shoe Insoles
16. Heel Lifts
...
19. Pot Holder
20. Curlers
21. Tape
22. Tampon
...
25. Under Boob Cooler
26. Ice Pack
27. Hot Pad
28. Toilet Bowl Warmer
...
31. Knee Pads
32. Shin Guards
33. Bookmark
34. Dildo Stuffing (made with a rubber glove on the outside...)
...
40. Makeup Remover
41. Paper Towel
42. Band-Aid
...
48. Face Mask
49. Paper
50. Bra Stuffing
51. Air Vent Cover
...
53. Body Roll Moisture Absorber
54. Pantyliner/Pee Pad
55. Bra Extension
56. Sweat Band
...
60. Eye Shadow Brush
61. Kleenex
62. Bib
63. Tupperware Cover
64. Toilet Paper Holder
65. Walker Bottom/Foot Pads
...
68. Toothbrush Holder
69. Drying Rack
...
74. Wheelchair Grippers
75. Shoe Arch
...
80. Picture Hanger
81. Cup Cozy
...
90. Lactation Pad
91. Pedicure Toe Separator
92. Eye Glass Cloth
93. Hair Bun Holder
...
97. Sponge
98. Medication Creme Applicator
...
And the 101 use for a maxi-pad in prison:
101. Menstruation
1. Coaster
2. Hanger Padding (to avoid wrinkling)
3. Mop
4. Duster
5. Shoulder Pads
6. Eye Mask
...
10. Shower Shoes
11. Ear Plugs
12. Door Stop
...
14. Toilet Paper
15. Shoe Insoles
16. Heel Lifts
...
19. Pot Holder
20. Curlers
21. Tape
22. Tampon
...
25. Under Boob Cooler
26. Ice Pack
27. Hot Pad
28. Toilet Bowl Warmer
...
31. Knee Pads
32. Shin Guards
33. Bookmark
34. Dildo Stuffing (made with a rubber glove on the outside...)
...
40. Makeup Remover
41. Paper Towel
42. Band-Aid
...
48. Face Mask
49. Paper
50. Bra Stuffing
51. Air Vent Cover
...
53. Body Roll Moisture Absorber
54. Pantyliner/Pee Pad
55. Bra Extension
56. Sweat Band
...
60. Eye Shadow Brush
61. Kleenex
62. Bib
63. Tupperware Cover
64. Toilet Paper Holder
65. Walker Bottom/Foot Pads
...
68. Toothbrush Holder
69. Drying Rack
...
74. Wheelchair Grippers
75. Shoe Arch
...
80. Picture Hanger
81. Cup Cozy
...
90. Lactation Pad
91. Pedicure Toe Separator
92. Eye Glass Cloth
93. Hair Bun Holder
...
97. Sponge
98. Medication Creme Applicator
...
And the 101 use for a maxi-pad in prison:
101. Menstruation
From Dragonfly: Don't Have a Medical Emergency
This morning I woke to news that South had been brought into the Clinic first thing in the morning. She was having difficulty breathing. She has COPD and is supposed to be on a specific medication, however, they denied her that medication here due to it not being in the formulary. She has been to the clinic 3x in the past week about her breathing. Anyway, when I got to the clinic for my shot of Enbryl, I found South sitting in a wheelchair (she does not usually have a walking aid of any type) and in the waiting room. I asked what happened, and she told me that she had respiratory issues while in the restroom this morning. She could not walk or talk for several minutes. Scary!!! Anyway, she was brought into the clinic. At the clinic, she was observed and released. They did nothing. They did not put her on oxygen. They did not give her any medication. I wheeled her around to a call-out she had in the lab and then we sat outside until open move, when we could go back to our unit. The poor thing - she was just so upset and I don't blame her.
Yesterday, I got news that another woman in our unit is in the hospital. For over a week, I've heard her complaining at the Clinic that her leg is hurting her and that something is wrong. She is diabetic and on dialysis. No one would change her to a first floor room, or do anything about her leg. Well, it burst. Literally. She is now at the hospital having her leg amputated. She had even talked to higher administration here to try and be taken seriously. So sad!
No matter how sick anyone is here, there's always someone sicker. Everyone seems to have had their medication regiment changed since arriving. At least everyone that is medical. For those who need pain medication and/or insulin, they literally spend their entire day in lines waiting for their medications. They go to insulin line before breakfast, lunch and dinner and then go to pill line just after breakfast, lunch and dinner. For some, they can be in lines for 3-5 hours per day awaiting medications!!! They do not dare skip their medication, because no one wants a medical emergency here.
My health is pretty much the same as it was before I got here. I do get a lot more headaches/migraines - but that's because I was taken off my migraine medication. I'm dealing with it, though. My health wasn't perfect before I got here, but I do not believe it to be any worse. I learned this morning that being on Methotrexate and Enbryl will automatically keep me a 3 care level. That means I will not be allowed to go to halfway house/home confinement early. I'm not giving up. I never give up. But, even though I am capable of working and taking care of myself, I am seen by the prison as needing medical assistance on a regular basis. Level 3 literally indicates that the person cannot do daily living activities for themselves. Yet, I am. Doesn't seem to matter here.
Okay, so there's gossip (inmate.com) about the visit to our facility yesterday from a bunch of federal judges. There's no way to know what is true or not from this gossip. However, people "heard" that the judges said that the prison needs to reduce the number of inmates by 840 people (that's about how over-crowded we are). Also, inmate.com gossip says many of the Mexican inmates caught at the border will be sent back to Mexico early (so many of them are given 4-7 year sentences and then are deported to Mexico - they were caught at the border and never spent a day in the U.S. except in prison... yet the U.S. pays over $27,000 to house and feed them in prison... I just don't understand why our immigration policies are what they are... just let these women go back home to their families!). Anyway, I digress. No politics (for now).
One thing is true, people are being shipped out of here daily... a lot are going to the new prison (Aliceville). Not the medical people, just the one's here because it was closer to their homes or they came for RDAP. These new policies, if they exist, will not likely change anything about my amount of time here. Some people are being sent home. One woman was called to R&D this morning and released. She didn't even know she was getting out. They told her to not even go back to her locker and pack - they would send everything to her. Here one day, and released the next unexpectedly. Gosh, wouldn't that be something!!!
Yesterday was Danbury's birthday. I wanted her to feel special - even for just moments - in a way that is nearly impossible here. South and I bought all the ingredients and we had someones help to make a real chocolate cake. I can't believe we made a cake (which formed in the microwave!) out of chocolate cookies, a coke, mayo, chocolate pudding, milky way bar, and a Hershey's bar. This formed both the cake and the frosting... I can't believe how good it was - truly death by chocolate!! South loved it! Also, we made a potato log for dinner (made with potato chips, corn chips, chicken, queso, Velveeta, and spices). We also had cheesy rice with small pieces of beef and spices as well. Not the healthiest meal I've ever had!!! Today for lunch, we made pizza with Goya crackers, queso, marinara sauce, pepperoni, mozzarella, and Parmesan cheese. These are all typical meals made from commissary food. The chow hall is nearly out of food (not sure if it is due to the gov't shutdown) so the meals in there are not so good either. Crazy stuff!
I've officially learned two crochet stitches - single and double. I'm making something, but I have no idea what it is - maybe a scarf. My right hand and wrist kind of go numb fairly quickly, so it may take me the rest of the time I'm here, but I have nothing else to do! I'm way behind on writing folks... I'm going to try and get some letters out this weekend. Sometimes, there is just nothing really to say. But, since I love receiving mail, I best be a good pen pal and write back!!!
My school should have my letter in hand by today. Tomorrow would have been my deadline. It was mailed out on Monday morning. It will likely be a couple weeks until I hear anything back. I will, of course, share their response. I am not going to worry too much about it until I know my fate. Must live in the day - not the future.
Yesterday, I got news that another woman in our unit is in the hospital. For over a week, I've heard her complaining at the Clinic that her leg is hurting her and that something is wrong. She is diabetic and on dialysis. No one would change her to a first floor room, or do anything about her leg. Well, it burst. Literally. She is now at the hospital having her leg amputated. She had even talked to higher administration here to try and be taken seriously. So sad!
No matter how sick anyone is here, there's always someone sicker. Everyone seems to have had their medication regiment changed since arriving. At least everyone that is medical. For those who need pain medication and/or insulin, they literally spend their entire day in lines waiting for their medications. They go to insulin line before breakfast, lunch and dinner and then go to pill line just after breakfast, lunch and dinner. For some, they can be in lines for 3-5 hours per day awaiting medications!!! They do not dare skip their medication, because no one wants a medical emergency here.
My health is pretty much the same as it was before I got here. I do get a lot more headaches/migraines - but that's because I was taken off my migraine medication. I'm dealing with it, though. My health wasn't perfect before I got here, but I do not believe it to be any worse. I learned this morning that being on Methotrexate and Enbryl will automatically keep me a 3 care level. That means I will not be allowed to go to halfway house/home confinement early. I'm not giving up. I never give up. But, even though I am capable of working and taking care of myself, I am seen by the prison as needing medical assistance on a regular basis. Level 3 literally indicates that the person cannot do daily living activities for themselves. Yet, I am. Doesn't seem to matter here.
Okay, so there's gossip (inmate.com) about the visit to our facility yesterday from a bunch of federal judges. There's no way to know what is true or not from this gossip. However, people "heard" that the judges said that the prison needs to reduce the number of inmates by 840 people (that's about how over-crowded we are). Also, inmate.com gossip says many of the Mexican inmates caught at the border will be sent back to Mexico early (so many of them are given 4-7 year sentences and then are deported to Mexico - they were caught at the border and never spent a day in the U.S. except in prison... yet the U.S. pays over $27,000 to house and feed them in prison... I just don't understand why our immigration policies are what they are... just let these women go back home to their families!). Anyway, I digress. No politics (for now).
One thing is true, people are being shipped out of here daily... a lot are going to the new prison (Aliceville). Not the medical people, just the one's here because it was closer to their homes or they came for RDAP. These new policies, if they exist, will not likely change anything about my amount of time here. Some people are being sent home. One woman was called to R&D this morning and released. She didn't even know she was getting out. They told her to not even go back to her locker and pack - they would send everything to her. Here one day, and released the next unexpectedly. Gosh, wouldn't that be something!!!
Yesterday was Danbury's birthday. I wanted her to feel special - even for just moments - in a way that is nearly impossible here. South and I bought all the ingredients and we had someones help to make a real chocolate cake. I can't believe we made a cake (which formed in the microwave!) out of chocolate cookies, a coke, mayo, chocolate pudding, milky way bar, and a Hershey's bar. This formed both the cake and the frosting... I can't believe how good it was - truly death by chocolate!! South loved it! Also, we made a potato log for dinner (made with potato chips, corn chips, chicken, queso, Velveeta, and spices). We also had cheesy rice with small pieces of beef and spices as well. Not the healthiest meal I've ever had!!! Today for lunch, we made pizza with Goya crackers, queso, marinara sauce, pepperoni, mozzarella, and Parmesan cheese. These are all typical meals made from commissary food. The chow hall is nearly out of food (not sure if it is due to the gov't shutdown) so the meals in there are not so good either. Crazy stuff!
I've officially learned two crochet stitches - single and double. I'm making something, but I have no idea what it is - maybe a scarf. My right hand and wrist kind of go numb fairly quickly, so it may take me the rest of the time I'm here, but I have nothing else to do! I'm way behind on writing folks... I'm going to try and get some letters out this weekend. Sometimes, there is just nothing really to say. But, since I love receiving mail, I best be a good pen pal and write back!!!
My school should have my letter in hand by today. Tomorrow would have been my deadline. It was mailed out on Monday morning. It will likely be a couple weeks until I hear anything back. I will, of course, share their response. I am not going to worry too much about it until I know my fate. Must live in the day - not the future.
Thursday, October 10, 2013
From Dragonfly: The Finer Things in Life
For just one hour this morning, I almost felt normal - like I was not sitting in prison. It was my first haircut since I arrived. Carswell has a cosmetology school as part of it's educational offerings. The classes are always filled. The women in the classes start cutting real hair (not just mannequins) after about 6 weeks of learning every weekday. The school offers free haircuts and other hair services (braiding, highlights, color, twists, deep conditioning, etc.) for free to inmates. We have to buy our own products in advance. We must bring our own shampoo/conditioner. If we want color, we must purchase it at the Commissary and then have them pick it up (we can't bring it back to our units). That way our color is on hold in Cosmetology until our next day. The way it works here, is that once you are on the list, you are called in for an appointment every 3 weeks or so. Today was my first appointment, my next is October 31st. We can have only one thing done each appointment. Today, I had a haircut. Next time, I am going to do highlights.
The cosmetology school is right down the hall from where I work, but I'd never been down that hall. Once you enter, it is like a little bit of normalcy. There are chairs for waiting clients, shelves filled with different magazines, and even music in the background (I heard some Journey, John Mayer, and Pink!). We are brought into the salon area, once our name is called, and it looks just like any salon - well, any salon at any cosmo school. There were a lot of hair stations for the students and graduates to work from. There is a line of hair washing stations, just like at home. They put a cape over your clothes and towel around your neck. Everything is done correctly.
I decided to finally get my hair done because it was growing out in every direction. Just before my sentencing, Survivor and Faith talked me into getting my hair cut (yes, my hair was not so good then either). It was cut fairly short and in layers. I hate layers. I want my hair about shoulder length, now, but the layers are a nightmare - especially since my hair seems to want to be very wavy in Texas! So, my hair was cut to the hair line in a nice sort of bob. My bangs are still growing out, as well as some side layers. It sits better, though.
When cutting my hair shorter, I was actually conscious about how short I was wanting to go, for I did not want to be seen as a "boi" when it was complete (boyish hairstyles usually indicate the inmate wants to be "boi" - whether or not they are homosexual). I have looked like a boy much of my adult life and I don't care about it on the outside. However, in prison, if I want people to pretty much leave me alone, I don't want to stand out. Boi's, here, are usually sought after for relationships. I've made it clear that I am not interested in a "prison romance." Not only is it against the rules, but the sneaking around, making out in bathrooms, and other things are totally "junior high." I choose relationships that are mature, healthy, and leave me without any guilt. These could not exist within a prison environment. My friendships are enough for me.
An inmate just tapped my shoulder. They are from the same state as me and we root for different college football teams from our state. We enjoy watching Saturday Football and giving each other sh*t for their teams' behavior. Good, innocent, fun! It's nice to still have a little bit of normalcy with college football Saturdays!!
So football and haircuts... one is quite feminine, the other not so much... but they both give me moments of the finer things in life and are welcome distractions in a place such as this.
The cosmetology school is right down the hall from where I work, but I'd never been down that hall. Once you enter, it is like a little bit of normalcy. There are chairs for waiting clients, shelves filled with different magazines, and even music in the background (I heard some Journey, John Mayer, and Pink!). We are brought into the salon area, once our name is called, and it looks just like any salon - well, any salon at any cosmo school. There were a lot of hair stations for the students and graduates to work from. There is a line of hair washing stations, just like at home. They put a cape over your clothes and towel around your neck. Everything is done correctly.
I decided to finally get my hair done because it was growing out in every direction. Just before my sentencing, Survivor and Faith talked me into getting my hair cut (yes, my hair was not so good then either). It was cut fairly short and in layers. I hate layers. I want my hair about shoulder length, now, but the layers are a nightmare - especially since my hair seems to want to be very wavy in Texas! So, my hair was cut to the hair line in a nice sort of bob. My bangs are still growing out, as well as some side layers. It sits better, though.
When cutting my hair shorter, I was actually conscious about how short I was wanting to go, for I did not want to be seen as a "boi" when it was complete (boyish hairstyles usually indicate the inmate wants to be "boi" - whether or not they are homosexual). I have looked like a boy much of my adult life and I don't care about it on the outside. However, in prison, if I want people to pretty much leave me alone, I don't want to stand out. Boi's, here, are usually sought after for relationships. I've made it clear that I am not interested in a "prison romance." Not only is it against the rules, but the sneaking around, making out in bathrooms, and other things are totally "junior high." I choose relationships that are mature, healthy, and leave me without any guilt. These could not exist within a prison environment. My friendships are enough for me.
An inmate just tapped my shoulder. They are from the same state as me and we root for different college football teams from our state. We enjoy watching Saturday Football and giving each other sh*t for their teams' behavior. Good, innocent, fun! It's nice to still have a little bit of normalcy with college football Saturdays!!
So football and haircuts... one is quite feminine, the other not so much... but they both give me moments of the finer things in life and are welcome distractions in a place such as this.
From Dragonfly: Nothing is Permanent in Prison
The reality of living in prison, is to know that things change all the time. One minute, you are getting used to your roommate, the next they are moved. You may love something they sell in commissary, but they choose to stop selling it. You may make a good friend, but then they are sent to halfway house. You may get used to having a microwave, only to have it taken away from the unit for days at a time. You may enjoy watching a specific tv show, only to find out that you can't watch it. You may want to play softball, only to be told that you were kicked off your team. You may be expecting roast beef, and be served pork roast instead. Everything changes and nothing is permanent. The goal, don't get too comfortable, ever.
Today, a major change is occurring that affects me. Freckles was officially accepted into the RDAP program (residential drug and alcohol program). She is being moved out of my unit and also will not be able to tutor anymore in Education. RDAP is a very intensive 9 month program. The incredible news for her, is that once she completes the program, they will let her out 9 months early... so she will be able to go to halfway house/home confinement in October, rather than summer, 2015. Of course, for her, that is wonderful!!!!
I will miss my daily chats with Freckles. She, too, is from the Midwest and we enjoyed watching Saturday college football together. We also did our breakfasts together. She is someone I have found that I can trust in here.
Soon, South and Danbury will also be moving on. South is probably going to go to home confinement within a couple months. Danbury is officially released in December. I've made other "friends." There is Star (a young, pregnant woman), Army (my roommate), Ark (Army's best friend), and many more. But, since I have been here, Freckles, South and Danbury have been my closest confidants. All will be heading to greener pastures, I hope.
The crazy thing is that once we are each released from prison, we cannot communicate legally - not until we are off supervised release (for me, 3 years). So, keeping in touch and knowing how one another are doing is a little tricky - and I certainly do not intend to get in trouble while on Supervision. However, there are some good people in prison. People who are genuine, scared, kind, honest, and good. Even among the chaos that exists, friendship can and does occur.
Good luck to Freckles! I will see her in passing and, perhaps, on the play field. But, I will miss our being able to support one another through this crazy experience. I know her spouse is happy that she will be going home earlier. I am as well.
Today, a major change is occurring that affects me. Freckles was officially accepted into the RDAP program (residential drug and alcohol program). She is being moved out of my unit and also will not be able to tutor anymore in Education. RDAP is a very intensive 9 month program. The incredible news for her, is that once she completes the program, they will let her out 9 months early... so she will be able to go to halfway house/home confinement in October, rather than summer, 2015. Of course, for her, that is wonderful!!!!
I will miss my daily chats with Freckles. She, too, is from the Midwest and we enjoyed watching Saturday college football together. We also did our breakfasts together. She is someone I have found that I can trust in here.
Soon, South and Danbury will also be moving on. South is probably going to go to home confinement within a couple months. Danbury is officially released in December. I've made other "friends." There is Star (a young, pregnant woman), Army (my roommate), Ark (Army's best friend), and many more. But, since I have been here, Freckles, South and Danbury have been my closest confidants. All will be heading to greener pastures, I hope.
The crazy thing is that once we are each released from prison, we cannot communicate legally - not until we are off supervised release (for me, 3 years). So, keeping in touch and knowing how one another are doing is a little tricky - and I certainly do not intend to get in trouble while on Supervision. However, there are some good people in prison. People who are genuine, scared, kind, honest, and good. Even among the chaos that exists, friendship can and does occur.
Good luck to Freckles! I will see her in passing and, perhaps, on the play field. But, I will miss our being able to support one another through this crazy experience. I know her spouse is happy that she will be going home earlier. I am as well.
Tuesday, October 8, 2013
From Dragonfly: Food Creativity
I've talked a lot about creativity in prison, but I have not talked much about the food creativity. This is where commissary and other means to get food comes in. There are plenty of edible meals in the chow hall, but every so often, there is a meal you just don't want/like. Or, you are not feeling up to the walk and long wait. Or, you just need something a little different. Or, like many people, you've been here long enough to prefer your own creations to the kitchen staff's creations. Whatever, the reason, there are choices - as long as you can afford them.
The number one way people get their food for use in their unit is through their commissary purchases. As I've mentioned before, there are many different kinds of items available - for a slightly higher price than we would pay on the outside. Categories of food available include: rice, tortillas, cheese, spices, condiments, coffee, ramen soups, cookies, crackers, pudding, ice cream, candy, chips, packaged meat/soy products, and more! From these purchases, people can make roll-ups, potato logs, cheese cake, tacos, chicken and rice, and much, much more!
There are additional ways (legitimate and not) that people "somehow" get foods. One way is what they can get from their meals in the chow hall. We are allowed to remove any whole piece of fruit and/or dessert with us for later consumption. These tend to be apples or oranges. Dessert is just on Wednesdays and is usually either a home-made cookie or packaged pudding. Some people sneak other parts of their meals out (baked potato, bread, sliced cheese, sugar, butter, and much more). How they sneak it out and where they put it on their body is always a mystery to me! The most illegitimate way inmates get food is through the kitchen. I do not ask questions and know nothing about how people get their additional items from the kitchen (brown sugar, blocks of butter, tomatoes, onions, etc.). All I know is that people have stuff and you never ask how they got it or where they got it from. With these additional items, apple pie, caramel, potato soup, and thinks that smell very yummy are also prepared for meals in the unit.
The next challenge is how inmates cook their meals. In most units, inmates have whatever Tupperware they may have purchased from commissary (or from another inmate), and a hot water spout. The prison got rid of any food they believe required microwaves. I live in the only unit with a microwave - there is one little microwave for 264 women! In units without a microwave, inmates use wax paper (not sure where they get that!) and IRON their food! How else would you melt your cheese??? An additional way food is cooked is through their large thermoses. They fill the thermos with hot, hot water and then put whatever needs to be cooked in a plastic bag in the thermos. This can heat meat, cheese, pizza sauce, etc.
With all these limitations, I still see the most amazing meals being prepared. Pizza is made on Goya crackers or tortillas, with pepperoni and three kinds of cheeses (none of which require refrigeration). Cheesy rice and taco meat rolled into tortillas is wonderful. Baked potato, cheese soup was last night's new adventure in cooking. Cheese cakes made with fruit or just plain vanilla or chocolate are prepared in multiple sizes. Popcorn balls, made with melted marshmallows are the bomb! There's also honey buns with melted chocolate and Graham cracker crumbs, smores, or granola toffee bars that can be made. Noodles (made from the ramen) with beef, chicken, or even seafood is possible! The possibilities are endless!!!
Last night, a fellow Tutor made crepes... a flour tortilla with butter marshmallows, and cinnamon, then another tortilla on top - ironed to perfect crunchy harmony. In my unit, we can prepare this in our microwave, although, we waited over 2 hours to make our dinner last Thursday.
This week is Danbury's birthday. We are trying to plan a special meal, plus dessert for her. Commissary was out of most of the items we needed to purchase, when I was allowed to shop yesterday. South will try to get them on her shopping day - Thursday. If not, we will, undoubtedly, still come up with a fabulous, celebratory meal! It's just a little different how we go about doing it in prison!
The number one way people get their food for use in their unit is through their commissary purchases. As I've mentioned before, there are many different kinds of items available - for a slightly higher price than we would pay on the outside. Categories of food available include: rice, tortillas, cheese, spices, condiments, coffee, ramen soups, cookies, crackers, pudding, ice cream, candy, chips, packaged meat/soy products, and more! From these purchases, people can make roll-ups, potato logs, cheese cake, tacos, chicken and rice, and much, much more!
There are additional ways (legitimate and not) that people "somehow" get foods. One way is what they can get from their meals in the chow hall. We are allowed to remove any whole piece of fruit and/or dessert with us for later consumption. These tend to be apples or oranges. Dessert is just on Wednesdays and is usually either a home-made cookie or packaged pudding. Some people sneak other parts of their meals out (baked potato, bread, sliced cheese, sugar, butter, and much more). How they sneak it out and where they put it on their body is always a mystery to me! The most illegitimate way inmates get food is through the kitchen. I do not ask questions and know nothing about how people get their additional items from the kitchen (brown sugar, blocks of butter, tomatoes, onions, etc.). All I know is that people have stuff and you never ask how they got it or where they got it from. With these additional items, apple pie, caramel, potato soup, and thinks that smell very yummy are also prepared for meals in the unit.
The next challenge is how inmates cook their meals. In most units, inmates have whatever Tupperware they may have purchased from commissary (or from another inmate), and a hot water spout. The prison got rid of any food they believe required microwaves. I live in the only unit with a microwave - there is one little microwave for 264 women! In units without a microwave, inmates use wax paper (not sure where they get that!) and IRON their food! How else would you melt your cheese??? An additional way food is cooked is through their large thermoses. They fill the thermos with hot, hot water and then put whatever needs to be cooked in a plastic bag in the thermos. This can heat meat, cheese, pizza sauce, etc.
With all these limitations, I still see the most amazing meals being prepared. Pizza is made on Goya crackers or tortillas, with pepperoni and three kinds of cheeses (none of which require refrigeration). Cheesy rice and taco meat rolled into tortillas is wonderful. Baked potato, cheese soup was last night's new adventure in cooking. Cheese cakes made with fruit or just plain vanilla or chocolate are prepared in multiple sizes. Popcorn balls, made with melted marshmallows are the bomb! There's also honey buns with melted chocolate and Graham cracker crumbs, smores, or granola toffee bars that can be made. Noodles (made from the ramen) with beef, chicken, or even seafood is possible! The possibilities are endless!!!
Last night, a fellow Tutor made crepes... a flour tortilla with butter marshmallows, and cinnamon, then another tortilla on top - ironed to perfect crunchy harmony. In my unit, we can prepare this in our microwave, although, we waited over 2 hours to make our dinner last Thursday.
This week is Danbury's birthday. We are trying to plan a special meal, plus dessert for her. Commissary was out of most of the items we needed to purchase, when I was allowed to shop yesterday. South will try to get them on her shopping day - Thursday. If not, we will, undoubtedly, still come up with a fabulous, celebratory meal! It's just a little different how we go about doing it in prison!
From Dragonfly: ...and a Wake Up
There's a saying here in prison. It goes, "____ days and a wake up." Some will say, "100 days and a wake up." Others may be a little giddy and say, "One day and a wake up." What does it mean? It means that in that many days (plus one night's sleep), they are being released. For example, today a very nice woman is headed home. She is a professional marketer and, also, is going to start her own non-profit related to women prisoners. Yesterday, I saw her in the tv room and said, "all you have now is a wake-up." She was all smiles! I wished her well this morning and hope that she can find serenity by finally walking outside the gates of this prison!
I do not count my days yet. I do not know how many more "wake ups" I will have. It is more than I've been here, so it is not soon enough. Plus, I don't know yet if I can get my care level decreased. The 4-5 month difference in when I can leave Carswell is substantial to my number of "wake ups."
At least my wake "wake ups" are comfortable now. Yesterday, my new crocheted blanket was completed. It is aryn (off white) and cafe (brown) and done in a waffle type stitch (can't remember the exact name of the stitch). It is soft, warm, and only MINE! My other blankets have been owned by countless women before me. My pillow has been slept on by many, many heads. I try not to think about it, as it would make me nervous (this is a medical facility... we have no idea the illnesses of the people around us or before us).
I, also, finally was listened to on my pillow issue (being allergic to feathers). I was given a plastic "hypo-allergenic" pillow cover that zippers. I put it on my pillow and my pillow case (stained before I even received it) on top. The pillow cover, at least, was brand new in package. It is kind of like having a hospital pillow, as the plastic case crunches with movement. At least the feathers are not against my face anymore.
All this does not help me get very many zzzzzzz's. There is never time of full quiet on the unit. With open doorways, we can even hear snoring from 5 rooms over. Also, people talk, and talk, and talk. The ice machine bangs, turns off, turns on, releases ice, etc. Plus there is never darkness. There are lights on every night. The C.O. decides which "safety" lights he wants to keep on. It appears that every C.O. has their own choices. None leave the room dark. Plus, there is a huge pole with 6 lights on it that shines in my window. If I wanted to, I wouldn't even need my book light to read. Freckles made a very creative eye mask. I may soon follow suit.
It seems my best sleep is when I can get a nap in. Nearly every day, I fall asleep at some point when we are preparing for count. I don't sleep long, but my roommates are always waking me to stand up. Somehow, I don't hear the C.O.'s yelling, "Stand Up Count!" This must be a very deep sleep!
I am awake every morning before 6 am. My friends would know that it is a very different schedule than I used to keep. Mornings are hard, but I get myself up, showered, dressed and by the time Freckles and I walk to breakfast, I am mostly coherent. By now, 7:15am, I am thinking and ready... it's time to go to work!
I do not count my days yet. I do not know how many more "wake ups" I will have. It is more than I've been here, so it is not soon enough. Plus, I don't know yet if I can get my care level decreased. The 4-5 month difference in when I can leave Carswell is substantial to my number of "wake ups."
At least my wake "wake ups" are comfortable now. Yesterday, my new crocheted blanket was completed. It is aryn (off white) and cafe (brown) and done in a waffle type stitch (can't remember the exact name of the stitch). It is soft, warm, and only MINE! My other blankets have been owned by countless women before me. My pillow has been slept on by many, many heads. I try not to think about it, as it would make me nervous (this is a medical facility... we have no idea the illnesses of the people around us or before us).
I, also, finally was listened to on my pillow issue (being allergic to feathers). I was given a plastic "hypo-allergenic" pillow cover that zippers. I put it on my pillow and my pillow case (stained before I even received it) on top. The pillow cover, at least, was brand new in package. It is kind of like having a hospital pillow, as the plastic case crunches with movement. At least the feathers are not against my face anymore.
All this does not help me get very many zzzzzzz's. There is never time of full quiet on the unit. With open doorways, we can even hear snoring from 5 rooms over. Also, people talk, and talk, and talk. The ice machine bangs, turns off, turns on, releases ice, etc. Plus there is never darkness. There are lights on every night. The C.O. decides which "safety" lights he wants to keep on. It appears that every C.O. has their own choices. None leave the room dark. Plus, there is a huge pole with 6 lights on it that shines in my window. If I wanted to, I wouldn't even need my book light to read. Freckles made a very creative eye mask. I may soon follow suit.
It seems my best sleep is when I can get a nap in. Nearly every day, I fall asleep at some point when we are preparing for count. I don't sleep long, but my roommates are always waking me to stand up. Somehow, I don't hear the C.O.'s yelling, "Stand Up Count!" This must be a very deep sleep!
I am awake every morning before 6 am. My friends would know that it is a very different schedule than I used to keep. Mornings are hard, but I get myself up, showered, dressed and by the time Freckles and I walk to breakfast, I am mostly coherent. By now, 7:15am, I am thinking and ready... it's time to go to work!
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