A NutriBullet

Sporty and T.S. brought home a NutriBullet today. If you are not familiar with this gizmo, it is a pulverizing blender used to make juices and liquid meals. Throw in spinach, kale, cucumbers, berries, peanut butter, yogurt, protein powder, ice, carrots, corn, milk, water, pineapple, coconut milk, well, not all these things at one time, but choose like 4-6 items, pulverize, and drink. I tried one with berries, pineapple, milk, and ice. It was good, but lacked sweetness somehow. Back to the drawing board.

I'm sure we will use this new toy over time. A smoothy in place of a meal can be a healthy choice. I know one woman who juiced for nearly 4 months and lost a ton of weight. She used kale as a base and every juice was green. Guess you can get used to anything!

It's really amazing the technology we have these days, and how little of it is offered in our prisons. There are so many women at Carswell who could barely chew food, how great it would be to offer them a quick nutritious meal in a cup! Big problem is that the ingredients are nearly impossible to get in the Feds - no berries, no kale or spinach, no cucumbers, no fresh carrots, no pineapple, no yogurt, etc. The only possible smoothies would include apples, oranges, and milk (and bananas on Wednesdays and Fridays). It's a miracle we can maintain any health in prison, with so few nutrients being served.

My friends and I started to notice that we were bruising super easy over the last several months. The lack of nutrients were also showing on our nails and in our eyes. I'd get a bruise and wouldn't heal from it for weeks.

Just two weeks home and my nails are healthy and I don't have a single bruise on my body. Eating normal has already improved my nutrition big time. It's just crazy to think how unhealthy people get from having to spend years on the prison diet!

I wish I could send my friends a nutribullet and the ingredients they need to have a healthier diet. Granted, everything would probably be sold for 10x cost on the underground market, but it would be so nice to see people healthier while incarcerated. Even without the bullet, it would be nice to see more nutritious food offered, period!

Tomorrow, I'm going to make a chocolate, banana and peanut butter smoothy. Something tells me that it won't be my most nutritious option. But, it should taste damn good!!!

A New Meeting

Sporty and I started a new gamblers anonymous meeting tonight. Four people attended, which is good because it is not advertised yet. I chaired the meeting and it felt great! We were able to celebrate Sporty's 6 year anniversary, which was wonderful as well.

The two others at the meeting have been in GA for years, but struggle to stay clean. They are both back just a few months since their last relapses. It's so hard to see people struggle so much with this debilitating addiction. There's no magic cure, we can just pray that at some point they will be able to surrender fully to recovery. Only recovery can really help when the urges to gamble are so strong. Recovery is so much more than attending meetings - it's working the steps, checking in with a sponsor, getting involved, finding ways to fill the void, connecting with fellowship, believing in a higher power, and most of all ACCEPTANCE that we really do have an addiction.

I was very lucky when I came to GA. The meetings I attended were filled with people who worked the full program and achieved many years of clean time. I even know a couple with more than 45 years in the program. With so many people relapsing, it's inspiring to meet people who have not only stayed clean, but who continue to attend meetings and share their wisdom after 5, 10, or more years.

It's really weird to think that I may be one of those people now. Where I live now, there's only a handful of people with more than 5 years clean. Even fewer that have done the steps and really done the hard recovery work. I suppose it's a gift that Sporty and I have something to offer this community - the wisdom gained from our meetings where we used to live. Paying it forward.

I imagine it'll take a couple months for the new meeting to be strongly attended. That's okay, we've helped start two meetings in the past. We won't get discouraged. What matters is that we are giving people another night of the week to attend a GA meeting if they need it. Even if it's just the two of us some weeks, it'll be okay. We only need two people to make it a meeting. And, as is said in any recovery program, meetings make it!!

Things I Enjoy Being Home

-Sleeping without a bra on

-Taking a shower barefoot

-Spending real time with family

-Choosing my own time for "lights out"

-Using the Internet

-Healthy food choices

-Driving a car

-Sleeping in my bed, not on top of an already made bed

-Wearing all color clothing

-Texting my friends

-Hugs

-No lines for email

-A dish washer

-So many pens to choose from

-Playing fetch with Superdog

-Cooking with a stove 

-Relaxing on a couch

-Opening my windows for fresh air

-Watching TV with sound

-Attending GA meetings

-Friends stopping by

-Being in control of the thermostat

-Playing with my iPhone

-Doing laundry whenever I want

-Decorating my room

-Not hitting my head constantly on the bunk above me

-Sleeping without someone snoring next to me

-Not eating on my bed

-Refrigerating my mayo, cheese, and cream cheese

-Enough closet space

-So many shoes to choose from

-I never run out of things to do

-A stuffed animal is not contraband

-Non-feather pillows

-Microwave popcorn

-No full body searches

-Wearing shorts to lunch on a weekday

-No granny underwear

-I can keep my calendar electronically and make my own appointments

-I can listen to any song I want at any time I want

-It gets dark

-I don't need ear plugs to sleep

-I get to make many choices throughout the day!!!

First Conversation with my P.O.

I am not yet under the supervision of my probation officer, since the RRC is in charge of my supervision. I've never met him either, since I had no supervision prior to my self-surrender, so I decided to give him a call yesterday. I'm curious about what supervision will be like and how much freedom I'll actually have. Obviously, not freedom to do anything bad, but will I still have a curfew? Can I plan to do a special weekend away with my close friends? Etc.

My P.O. seemed like a nice guy when I talked to him on the phone. He knew exactly who I was with just my name - he's talked with Sporty a couple times since I'm living with her. He didn't want to answer any questions until my official out date - July 2nd. He was like, "wow, that's right around the corner, isn't it?" So, we made a time for me to meet him at his office that afternoon and he said he will give me all the details then. It's crazy that people only tell you what to expect when the day arrives... No ability to prepare oneself. Just another unknown in the future.

I tried to see if my 2x weekly check in could get transferred to him for the remaining time of my home confinement... His office is 15 minutes away, the RRC is 1 1/2 hours away. It isn't possible. So, after this morning, I have 3 more times of that ridiculous drive.

I did get him to answer one question in the positive, though. He says I'll be limited to the western side of my state for the first 60 days or so of my supervision, which will allow me to do my special annual weekend retreat with my close GA friends. Eleven of us will be doing the retreat this year and since I had to miss last year's, I'm super pumped for it. I started this retreat, but it has really become part of all of our lives. I do a lot of the organizing, still, and I've already planned some weekend activities! I can't wait to sit around a campfire and eat s'mores!!

Also, even though I'm restricted to the western side of my state, my P.O. gave me permission to attend a Queen (with Adam Lambert) concert next month on the eastern side of the state. I've been a Queen and Adam Lambert fan... the two together just sounds like an amazing concert! Glad my P.O. said yes. He sounds like a pretty reasonable guy!

I don't know what my life will be like once supervision starts (being on paper, as we call it in prison), but I know it should be more relaxed than my home confinement. It's just one more step closer to real freedom. I think it really depends on who your P.O. happens to be. As long as mine has a sense of humor, I think it'll be all right.

Thunderstorm

Last night there was an enormous thunder and lightening storm. It's the kind of storm no one could sleep through. I woke with a startle from very loud thunder - my body literally leapt in the air from a deep sleep. Loud and surprise noises have that affect on me whether I'm awake or asleep.

Survivor told me today that I don't sleep well. To me, I'm sleeping better than I have in nearly a year -other than last night. This morning, I didn't get out of bed until after 9am! Once I was able to fall asleep, I slept! There's no better feeling than waking and feeling well rested.

I've just put a new goal on myself. As I mentioned before, survivor recently had breast cancer and is thankfully a true survivor! Last summer and earlier this summer, a group of friends have done the Avon 2-day walk for breast cancer. Last year, I was too sick and facing the legal stuff. This year, well, we all know what I was doing this year. So, next year I'm going to walk! I am going to train and work hard and I'll do my best to do at least 13 miles each day. I can do it! Plus, I'll have a bunch of friends walking too! As a kid, I walked 18 miles in a day each summer for Israel as part of my Hebrew school, I certainly can do this for breast cancer!

Survivor and I did one of our favorite things today - we went thrift store shopping. For less than $25, I picked up 8 pairs of pants/shorts that fit! I kept singing the Macklemore song in my head, "I'm gonna pop some tags, only got $20 in my pocket." For a while, thrift stores will be my go to place for my clothing needs!

Speaking of money, I also learned today that I'm approved for food stamps. I've never been on public assistance before, and now I'm on Medicaid and food stamps. I went from a hard-working, tax paying adult to now being a felon on public assistance. I continue to question why it makes sense to take people away from being responsible adults and force them into poverty. I'm going to do whatever it takes to get off food stamps as soon as possible, but I'm really glad I have a way to afford feeding myself for a while. Just an FYI, anyone with a federal drug conviction cannot qualify for public assistance. 

It's thundering outside again. The rain sounds calming, but the thunder is disturbing. I suppose that's kind of like my life right now. There's a lot of calming things going on, but the thunder keeps trying to make me jump.

The Good and the Bad

My meeting with the professor went fairly well. There are steps to take and things I need to do, but she at least didn't say "no." I asked if the department would consider a fall admit. They've never taken on a student outside of the normal deadlines... Which would mean applying in winter and if admitted, starting in fall, 2015. I'm really hoping to be able to get into school for this fall, especially since I already have my graduate assistantship/ funding.

It might have been because two different faculty members from my previous department saw me in the building, or by coincidence, but just after that meeting, I received a fairly nasty reply to my email requesting a meeting sent to my old department chair. She made it pretty clear that I would not be re-welcome back into the department given the circumstances of my departure. Pure judgement without once talking to me. It's a closed door - I knew I would have plenty of those!

Having Survivor in town has been great! I'm incredibly fond of her and enjoy her company. We can talk for hours, or just sit and relax, and we are perfectly happy. I'm so glad she chose to visit!!!

I think I'm enjoying food way too much since I've gotten out. I have a stomach ache right now. I really need to be much more conscious of what I'm eating and how much... Perhaps those seconds at dinner were not necessary- even though they tasted great going down!! Luckily, I have a very active workout planned for the morning.

Nervous

I want to write that I got this and I'm holding my head up high and can take on the world. Reality is that I'm totally nervous. I'm sitting on the first floor of my school of education building waiting to meet with a professor I don't know and tell her my whole story in hopes she will support me joining her department... Even though the department works collaboratively with my old department a lot. It's a good match for my interests, but I can't help but feel like I'm sitting somewhere I'm not wanted.

A professor I took a class with, and even traveled overseas with, walked by a bit ago. He saw me, I saw him, so I said, "hi," and he said, "how are you," and I said, "good, thanks," with a smile on my face. He kept walking and I kept sitting, but my stomach dropped. If the department doesn't know I'm back in town yet, they will now. It's okay, just everything makes me nervous.

I actually don't care what they think of me. In fact, I look so much better than the last time they saw me. Plus I'm more confident in a good way. This place just used to feel like home to me, I pray it will again.

In order to not get stuck in my head, I walked next store and found T.S. having lunch. It was my first time ever bumping into her on campus, as I was gone her whole freshman year. She sat, talked to me and hugged me when I headed back to the school of Ed. She took the parent role for that minute. 

I need to concentrate on all the good in my life and get my head away from the "what ifs."I know, easier said than done. Entirely possible, though. I just have to remember, no one gets to tell me that I don't deserve my education! I'm here to move forward, not stare at my past. This is a perfect time for the serenity prayer.

SERENITY, ACCEPTANCE, COURAGE, WISDOM

A Full House

Last night felt so normal. We did a "make your own pizza" dinner and I had my friends with their daughters (6, 3, and 1), Survivor, Sporty, and T.S. all here. It was wonderful to be surrounded by the little ones. I just love the imagination and freedom of kids.

This week, I get to spend a couple days with Survivor. She drove in yesterday. She told me the story of the day she dropped me off at the Carswell parking lot. She couldn't drive away. She captured photos of the van taking me onto the base- a photo of my hand held up on the window, saying "goodbye." I guess she cried for the both of us. I was too numb.

Perhaps a year has passed since I've seen my friends, but when we are together, it's like there's been no time at all. We laugh, we share, we still have the deep connection. I'm so lucky to have so much love in my life.

Yesterday, I heard from a friend from my 90's law school days. We are still connected via Facebook and were incredibly close in school. She just read my blog and wrote me a multitude of messages showing her support of me. Even though we've only seen each other 2-3x since our graduation, and now live on separate continents, she will always be important to me. Her friendship was instrumental in helping me survive law school. We would take unexpected long drives to somewhere just to relieve studying tension and cook chocolate chip cookies. We traveled over winter break together and found ourselves often at one another's home hanging out. It's amazing that so much time could pass, but the memories and friendship are still strong.

Today is another meeting with a professor on my campus. It's a department I'm considering to continue my education. I don't expect anything to happen today in terms of decisions, but I hope she'll keep an open mind as I share my story. Even if 40 doors are closed to me, I need to keep on knocking.

Life is feeling nearly normal now. I'm comfortable in my home. I'm starting to get on track with working out, making plans, and enjoying what freedom I have. I don't really know what makes a life "normal," but this is a good life.

Two Weeks at Home

After two weeks on home confinement, I really question why this is not a viable option for so many non-violent offenders that are sent to our federal prisons. I am culpable for my actions, I am able to take on real responsibilities and work, I can maintain community ties, and I'm much more likely to be able to meet my restitution requirements. I'd like to say that there was some benefit I received by doing my time in a prison, but the benefits I received were of my own doing. There was no program, staff member, or opportunity offered by the BOP that made it make sense for me to be in prison. Here, I'm still under BOP custody, AND I'm able to be a much more productive member of society.

I admit home confinement isn't the right fit for everyone. You have to be fairly independent. You have to accept limitations to freedom. You have to marry your home phone. You have to be able to support yourself or have someone willing to help you out. You have to follow lots of rules - some that may be illogical. You have to keep your home alcohol and drug free. You have to have healthy outlets for stress at home. You have to be willing to go wherever the BOP wants you to go and whenever they want you to. You have to be able to answer your phone out of a deep sleep in the middle of the night. You have to allow strangers to randomly stop by anywhere you are supposed to be to ensure you are there.

I am doing pretty well on home confinement. I really have no complaints. Due to my health, I've had a lot of practice spending long periods of time at home. I'm also lucky to always have the great companionship of Superdog, who still rarely leaves my side. Having a pet at home can make home confinement much more bearable.

I have just over two more weeks until I'm officially at my "out date" and supervision starts. I'm hoping the last year has helped me slow down enough, that I don't try doing everything my freedom gives me at once. Supervision will come with its own set of challenges that I imagine I will face. Even so, this home confinement options seems like a good option for so many people. With the prisons overcrowded with too many non-violent offenders, a home confinement sentence in lieu of prison should be considered a much more viable option and better for community as a whole!

100 Things

Sometimes, I can't help but get caught up in the negative. I think writing yesterday's blog actually led me to thinking about the haters too much. I did the thing I should never do, I googled myself. It's like I was asking to be punished.

Once my head was filled with all the anti-me crap out there, sleep was impossible. I went to Sporty's room at like 3am, woke her up, and said I couldn't sleep - just like a toddler does to their parents. She works my same program, so what she said to me was the advice I would give someone else... Make a list of 100 things I'm grateful for. She meant to write one in the morning, but instead I just started going through my head and naming things - ga, people, house, being home, clothes, walking, cooking, education, places I've traveled to, etc. the list got long, although no one counted it, and I was able to sleep - my head now filled with positive things instead of negative. 

The Internet is a wonderful thing - we can find the answer to nearly any question at lightening speed. When a child asks, "why is the sky blue?" We can give them the scientific reason. I don't know can nearly escape our vocabulary. Instead it's, "well, let's google it..."

It can also be an enemy. The Internet has a much longer memory than people. Yesterday's news can resurface. It doesn't know to let go of the past or not worry about an unknown future. It finds answers based on popularity, not timing. Words, not thinking.

If ever you make the mistake I did, and google yourself, try making your 100 list. Then, remember, words are words and may live forever, but people are able to forget, forgive, and move on.

I'm Not Ashamed

After my three hour drive for a ten minute meeting at the RRC today, I met a professor/friend for lunch. It was a wonderful lunch meeting and very nice catching up. She knows my story and supports me. I told her the story of my admission being revoked. She knew a bit of it, but I told her it all. She's willing to be a reference for me as I work to get back in. I'm grateful.

The conversation did lead me to feel as if I'm defending myself. Could I still get a job as a professor? How will it be if I'm working along with people from my old program? Hard questions for me to answer, but I just smiled and said things like:

"I'm not afraid of haters, they are everywhere, I can work with anyone. Their  judgement is on themselves, not me..."

"I will get back into (my school) and I will walk across that graduation stage one day. To all the nay-sayers out there, I'm doing this for myself, for everyone who has made mistakes in their lives, and because what matters is who I am and what I do today, in recovery, not who I was and what I did in addiction..."

"I'm not concerned about where I will work, that's years away... Will I get a job? Yes. But for now, my concern is about taking it a day at a time and for right now, all I need to concern myself with is getting back in school..."

"I will not be ashamed of who I am, the experiences I've had, or the fact that I went to prison. The experiences made me more passionate to help others, more passionate to continue my education, and more passionate about the value of overcoming hardships. This is not my end, it's yet another beginning..."

People want to hear the horror stories of prison, and there are tons. I hadn't shared with you all, yet, the reality of learning that several staff members at Carswell were reading this blog and let me know. It kept me from sharing certain things, I always had to consider protecting myself. I'm home now, though, so I can share more openly and I will... However, even though I just experienced hell, it doesn't mean I want to dwell on the negative. I'm stronger now and that experience helps me know that I can overcome anything. I'm not happy about the experience, but I can focus on what I learned and the good people, rather than the horribleness and the bad people.

Being home has helped me immensely in getting past some of my walls of protection I built, but I have a feeling that some healthy walls may remain. These walls will allow negativity to bounce away from me, haters to have no impact on me, and shame to be nonexistent. We can only feel ashamed if we allow ourselves to do so. 

I have nothing to be ashamed about. I had an addiction. I committed a crime to feed my addiction and irrationally believed I wasn't doing anything wrong. I apologized openly in court to a packed courtroom. I put myself into recovery and surrendered fully to the program. I have not gambled in over six years. I've learned why I developed an addiction and have taken as many steps as possible to avoid a cross-addiction. I help others dealing with the same. I got myself into a top education PhD program. I worked hard over two years - earning fellowships and scholarships and passing my initial comprehensive exams. I went to prison with my head held up and I survived the experience. So, no, I am not ashamed. To be honest, I'm humbly proud of myself. I owe my success to so many people, and hope to pay forward as much as I am able. I will be an example of someone who can make something of themselves after prison, and by doing so, I know I will help others not give up on their goals/dreams either.

Anyway, lunch went well, although I hate that my time is limited. We would've kept talking. I have a feeling I'll be working with this professor friend of mine sometime again in the near future, and I know she carries no judgement of me. That's the way I hope I am when a future student comes to me with their hope for a second chance. There's no shame in asking for help and reaching out, the only shame is not reaching out and keeping it all inside.

Almost Normal

For two days, life was nearly normal (whatever normal means). I think this was one of the best times I've had with my parents visiting me. Perhaps nothing was different on their end, but everything rolls over me now. Maybe they were nicer than usual. I don't know. We had about 24 hours together and it was really nice.

When I was told that I'd get home confinement, I really didn't know what that would look like. I though it went through probation, but it goes through the RRC (residential reentry center) that I stayed at. Some people are tethered (electronically monitored), I am not. Some people have to pay fees for being on home confinement, I do not. Some people only have curfews and can use their days however they want, that's not me either. However, with advance notice, I can do many things, as long as it can be verified. I'm not allowed at a park or to take a walk outside, because no one can verify that. I can do a lot of things, though.

Yesterday, I went shopping with my parents and out for a good steak dinner. I had my verification sheets all prepared in advance and knew what times I needed to be home by, in order not to violate. We went to the store for shopping, I walked up to the manager, and I asked if she would sign the verification with my time of arrival. She refused. She called her supervisor and said, "I'm not putting my name down in this..." Well, I was in a quandary, I was already there and now I couldn't get my necessary verification. So, I called the RRC on what to do, my parents were pissed at the manager and restless, so I ignored them, and the person at my RRC said to just save the receipt. Problem solved. 

My parents helped me buy some workout equipment (mat, hand weights, resistance band, etc.) and some food. I'm so grateful! The money that would've bought me a plane ticket home from Carswell, is now helping me stay active and eat healthy. Thank you parents!!!

I got home literally at my end time on the dot... Careful to always leave enough time to get home... Just before I left home and when I got home, I called my RRC. They note every call, time, and location.

Today, my step-father made his famous pancakes for breakfast and then we went to see the film "Chef." I must admit, it was a great first film to see in ten months. It's about having passion for what you do, I know a little about that. Who wants to wake up every morning and hate going to their job??  To verify the movie, I just had to keep the ticket voucher.

Last, I had lunch with my folks. The people there had no problem filling out my verification form, neither did the people at the steak house last night. But now I know to be prepared for people to possibly refuse to sign. Thing is, while my parents got visibly upset that the manager at the store wouldn't sign, I didn't. I just needed to ensure I could take care of the problem by calling in. The manager was rude, but not half as rude as many of the CO's I had to deal with at Carswell. I'm so used to things not going as they are supposed to, that it doesn't even phase me. However, I won't choose to shop in that store again in the near future.

Tonight, Traveler stopped by and we did some more catching up. She is absolutely one of the best people walking this earth. What always amazes more is that she doesn't even realize it. I can learn a lot about being humble by spending time with her.

Being out so much over the last few days really felt good. I look forward to many more days of near freedom. My life may not be normal, but sometimes normal is overrated. I'm just glad to be here and I can handle any limitations. They certainly won't last forever. My normal after all this may be entirely different than my normal before my self-surrender. So, maybe I'll just stay "almost normal."

The 6am Call

For the last week, it never fails. Someone from the "bubble" calls me to make sure I'm home. I guess that makes sense, since my technical curfew is 9pm-6am, but since I had no permission to be out yesterday or this morning, they could've let me sleep in until at least 7.

Okay, I know that I woke in the 6am hour, if not earlier, in prison. I'm home now, though, in a nice comfy bed, with my window open and fresh air pouring in, and no where to go. I'd like to sleep in. But no, that phone rings next to my bed and I must answer it.

It's actually difficult to be married to my house phone. I carry it around, put it down, and then find myself upstairs when it's downstairs, or downstairs when it's upstairs. I can't do stairs fast, so I have sent T.S. on the phone chase more than once while it was ringing.

I'd forgotten how many spam calls one gets on a house phone as well. It took me only days home to add the number to the national do not call list. Calls still make it through now and then. No, I am not interested in your product. No, I cannot answer questions about cleaning products. No, I am not interested in a magazine subscription. No, we are not selling this home (it is a rental in a rental community). 

Every time the phone rings, I believe it's the RRC checking up on me. They keep a log of their calls here and my calls there, ensuring I am where I am supposed to be at any given time. This is why you must have a home phone without call forwarding in order to be on home confinement.

Luckily, there are digital options to have a home phone. Comcast gives us ours. Many newer homes don't even offer a plug for analog phones anymore. This place does, as it is a 70's townhouse. My old apartment did not. So, if the power goes out, I pray the RRC doesn't try calling here, as I will only have my cell phone and cell phones are not allowed for check-ins. Good thing I only have 3 more weeks - six more drives to the RRC - and then we can cancel the home phone if we want to.

I should try to be productive after the 6am phone call. With white noise the only sound I hear, though, it's just too comforting to stay in bed. Today, though, my parents are coming, so I best at least get up and try to clean a bit before their arrival. So I guess I should thank the RRC for being a very precise alarm clock every morning.

Health Insurance

As promised under the new healthcare law, my journey to having health insurance upon coming out of prison was quick and smooth. All I had to do was go to my states' public assistance website, answer some questions about myself and my current lack of income, and I was immediately approved. Yesterday, I received my health coverage card.

I could select a plan that will have a monthly cost, but instead I qualify for Medicaid - simply due to my finances. The state I live in is an "expanded Medicaid state." More than half the states are as well.

My next step is to select which healthcare plan (there are four available) I want. They vary by doctors, medications, etc. I've talked to one already, and they will cover my enbryl with a doctor's notes and it must be pre-authorized. The same was true on my old non-Medicaid plan - so this is good news. I'm calling all four health plans to see which is best for me.

It's so relieving knowing that I have healthcare coverage. As someone with a chronic health issue, having coverage is not an option, it's a necessity. Actually, I believe it's true for everyone, but chronic health issues cause great financial stress with specialist bills, frequent labs, and hospitalizations.

So, do not hesitate to seek your healthcare coverage immediately upon release. There's no reason not to take care of yourself. No insurance plan is perfect, but having no insurance is a recipe for disaster and desperation. I'll select my Medicaid plan today and will have the peace of mind knowing that I can seek medical assistance when I am in need.

Six Years

Today marks my six year GA anniversary. It was also my first GA meeting since before I went to prison. It was a great meeting and I was happy to hear a lot of recovery in the room. Giving my therapy, I knew I was where I was supposed to be.

A lot of people get some clean time in and then they choose to stop going to meetings. Their lives get busy, they have money again, they believe they can stay clean on their own. Too often, we see them walk back into a meeting weeks, months, or years later. They are once again devastated by their addiction and need help. I've never seen anyone walk into a GA meeting and say, "you all were wrong, I went back out and it was great!" The first gamble to a compulsive gambler is like the first drink to an alcoholic. There is no good that comes out of it.

Also, it's those with a decent amount of recovery time that are so important to newbies who need to hear our stories of recovery, have us to sponsor them, and guide them through the steps. Those who were already in the program helped us and we now pay it forward to those that are new. I gave my contact info to two people who requested it. That's what we do.

There's also no magic time when you should start recovery. Some are successful early after discovering they have a problem, others have to face dire consequences to their addiction. As a rabbi once said in her sermon, "you never reach rock bottom, you just stop digging." The only real rock bottom is death and I pray most will find recovery before that extreme consequence.

Sporty and I have decided to start a new GA meeting in the area. It will start in 1 1/2 weeks. We've successfully helped start two others that are strong today (where we used to live), so we hope this new meeting here, on a night that had no local meeting) will be successful.

I never thought I'd connect with a 12 step program. I also never really understood what it was. At first, it can be very intimidating, but if you keep going back, it becomes comfortable and safe. If you struggle with an addiction, give yourself the gift of recovery. Will power alone doesn't work in the long term.

I gambled for 14 1/2 years, so 6 years of recovery is still nothing compared to my loss of such a long amount of time gambling. I plan to keep going to meetings for the rest of my life, sponsor others, rework the steps, and know that if ever I am in need of a friend, all I need to do is call someone else in recovery or go to a meeting. Yes, it's that simple.

First Real Outing

In order to go anywhere, besides the RRC, this month, I have to let my CW know and have it approved. This morning, I did my 3-hour driving for 10 minutes with my CW in order for her to approve my schedule for the week. This includes: meeting with an assoc dean at my school, going grocery shopping, going to a couple meals out with my parent (mom and stepdad who are coming Wed-Thurs), seeing a real movie at the theater, and attending GA meetings. All approved. I had to provide an address for each place and I will have to have a form signed at each location - worth it!!!

After my drive back, I went immediately to my campus. I forgot how much construction happens in summer and had to go in several circles to get to the building I needed. The Associate Dean was waiting for me and was incredibly kind. He was not at all phased about having to fill out the attendance verification form once I said I was on home confinement. 

Anyway, as I knew, the grad school has very little to do with whether I get back into my school or not. It's all done on a departmental level. However, it's good I met with him, because he helped me figure out how I can take classes before formal admission, if I need it. Also, given that I may already have my grad assistantship lined up, he didn't see an issue for me to be admitted outside of the typical cycle (which would have meant waiting a full year to start back up once readmitted to the school). He did encourage me to consider other departments, which I am.

The Assoc Dean gave me advice that fits well with my own thoughts -use the past as an asset, not an incumberance. I certainly have even more passion for the value of education! He literally said, if you talk to them like you just talked to me, I think you'll have a chance. The biggest hurdle will be whether the programs think that having me as a student will harm their reputation. I need to turn it into an asset to have me.

It felt good to be on campus. It's where I belong. I may have to knock on 40 doors, but I just finished the first one and it was a positive experience. Plus he told me that his door remains open to me. That's a good thing.

After the meeting, I called my former supervisor from my graduate assistantship. That conversation also went super well. She'll be talking to her boss today and trying to get permission for me to help them out this summer, and in my old job once I am able... While her boss works out of the same office as my old advisor, I believe he knows my work enough and is an independent thinker. I pray he allows me to continue on. 

There are many, many more things I will need to do in order to move forward with my phd work, but at least I'm trying and I have certainly learned to jump through hoops!

Being home

Five days on home confinement so far, and I have to say, "life is good!!" There are so many things I can do and I'm loving it! I am married to my house phone (the rrc does call at any time they want to check to ensure I'm home --- midnight, 3am, 6am, 10:30am, noon, 3:00pm, 6pm, etc. They only call 2-3x per day, but I never know when the phone will ring). I always get a call that wakes me up.

Sporty set up a nice home for me to come to. It's a 70's rental townhome, so the floors squeak with every single step. Even little superdog can't avoid squeaking the floors. At least no one sneaks up on me!

My room seems huge to me, even though I don't have the master. In fact, my full size bed feels enormous. I roll over and don't hit a cinder block wall!!! I am still working on getting my room set up, but I take little steps every day. I have boycotted making my bed for a couple days, but I hate walking in my room and not having my bed made, guess I'll have to find something else to boycott.

Superdog follows me everywhere and sleeps next to my bed. She always slept with T.S. when she's home (which she is for the summer), but ever since my second day here, she barely leaves my side. I haven't lived with her in 3 years, so maybe she thinks if she keeps an eye on me, I won't leave her again. I don't know, but having the constant companionship of a wonderful dog makes home confinement much more tolerable!

I am able to get fresh air. My house phone in my pocket, I can sit just outside my front door, let Superdog relax with me, and enjoy being outside. I wish I could take walks, but that is not allowed.

I am still working out, though. Actually, it took me a couple days to get back into my daily habit. I discovered free workout videos on comcast on-demand. Many need weights and things I don't yet have, so I've stuck mostly to Pilates and yoga. It feels good to continue that morning tradition. 

Food is amazing!!! I forgot how good things could taste!!! This week's highlights include pizza, Chinese, chipotle, real salad, salami and provolone sandwich, ice cream, cheese omelette, home-made waffle, bacon, raisin bran cereal, taco salad, edimame, and Arizona Arnold Palmer tea/lemonade. It's a good thing I am working out!!! I've actually lost weight.

I've left the house only once. I had to drive myself to/from the rrc (3 hours total driving). My appointment there lasted 10 minutes. What a waste of gas. But it got me out and back being comfortable driving. I listened to radio and heard some current music. I'm really behind the times now. I'll repeat that trip 7 more times. Instead of counting down hamburger days, I will count down trips back to see my CW.

I've been enjoying catching up on some movies. I watched Hunger Games 2 and Frozen, so far. Oh, and just the first episode of the second season of "Orange is the new Black." I've been asked by tons of people if I think I could handle watching it. I said, " hell yes, it's hilarious..." I actually really want to watch it, but in just the first episode I was thinking, "wow, yep, that's pretty accurate," a couple times. The first episode lacked the humor and really went for the drama. I'm sure the humor will be back soon. Or, perhaps, I couldn't see the humor in something I just lived through. Although, I really saw humor every day living the reality of prison. As we would say, "you can't make this s**t up!"

I have started my job of doing everything to get back in school. I officially have a meeting with the associate dean of the graduate school and have reached out to a couple professors to talk with. The ultimate decision to let me in school lies at the departmental level, so hopefully I'll get more meetings set up soon! I'm nervous, but know I can do this!!

Survivor did a nice job on my finances and it looks like I can sustain paying minimums on my bills for two months while I work everything out. That's with the incredible generosity of many friends who donated funds to me while I was away and Sporty allowing me to share the townhome for free for a while. Everyone's generosity does not go unnoticed!!! Thank you friends!!!!!

In fact, friends have been stopping by, and it's been wonderful. I've seen Cashe a couple times (even watched some Doctor Who!). Joy, Traveler, and others have also stopped by. It's so nice to see them!!! For me, it doesn't seem like almost a year passed, but catching up, I realize how much their lives have moved forward. My perspective seems to be that life just stopped 10 months ago, but for others there are new babies, dissertation proposals defended, graduations, new jobs, people moving, new relationships, and so much more!! Even though I learned much of these things in letters, somehow it wasn't as real to me until I was home.

I think this month of home confinement will go by quickly. I'm keeping myself busy. I'm enjoying downtime with T.S. and reading recovery books with Sporty. Tomorrow is my 6 year G.A. recovery anniversary. I have permission to go to a meeting. Slowly, life is getting more and more "normal."

I had a hard time figuring out which remote went to which device.

Rules of Home Confinement

I had to sign two forms for home confinement, one was specifically by the community corrections place I was staying and the other by the Feds... I'll start with the Fed Rules (this is a blanket form, so not everything applied to every person) - parts in parenthesis are specific to my situation:

I understand and agree to abide by the following conditions during my period of Home Detention:

1. I will reside at my approved residence.
2. I will conduct myself in a lawful manner.
3. I will accept phone calls from RRC/Probation Staff, verifying my presence at my home and at my job site. I agree to maintain a telephone at my place of residence without "call forwarding," or "three-way calling" for this period and will, when requested, provide copies of my telephone bill to the Center/Probation staff. I also agree that if my confinement is to be electronically monitored, I will wear any electronic monitoring device required, follow procedures specified, and comply with any telephone and computer access restrictions as they apply to the monitoring device requirements.
4. I will accept the visits of RRC/Probation personnel to my job site and home.
5. I will return to the RRC/Probation at least (twice) weekly on (Monday and Thursday at 9am) for program participation, and more often if instructed to do so.
6. I understand I must continue mental health/psychiatric treatment, substance abuse treatment, sex offender treatment on Home Detention.
7. I will not own or possess any deadly weapon or knowingly be in the company of a person possessing the same.
8. I will remain steadily employed at: (Independent employment or school) ___ and will not change employment without prior approval of RRC/Probation staff.
9. I will not knowingly associate with persons having a criminal record, nor frequent places where illegal activities are conducted.
10. I will not drink alcoholic beverages of any kind; nor will I enter any establishments, such as bars or liquor stores, where the sale and/or consumption of alcoholic beverages on the premises is the primary business of the establishment.
11. Except as medically authorized, I will not use or possess narcotics, or other controlled substances, nor be in the presence of persons possessing the same.
12. I agree that during the Home Detention period, I will remain at my place of residence, except for employment, unless I am given specific permission to do otherwise.
13. I will not own or drive a motor vehicle without proper authorization.
14. I will abide by special instructions given to me by the RRC/Probation, e.g., electronic monitoring program participation.
15. I will submit to urinalysis or alcohol testing as requested by the RRC/Probation. I understand that ingestion of poppy seed food products may result in positive test results for unauthorized drug use and is therefore prohibited.
16. I agree to pay subsistence for the cost of my participation in home detention.
17. I understand that I am personally responsible for all costs of my housing, meals, and general subsistence, while I am on Home Detention.

RULES OF HOME CONFINEMENT
1. Report two times, in person to the ____ facility each week.
2. Telephone (the facility) each day after returning to your residence from place of employment.
3. Accept a telephone call at place of employment, from (facility) staff, when working.
4. Follow curfew of 9:00pm-6:00am. The only exception is for work.
5. Make copy of pay checks and pay subsistence each time you are paid.
6. Submit a urine sample and take a pbt each report day.
7. Provide signed verification from all appointments.
8. Call (the facility) two (2) times each day from your residence.
9. Accept telephone calls from (the facility) staff at your residence each day.

I understand that if (the facility) calls my residence and I do not answer, or make a return telephone call within 30 minutes, I will be ordered back to the (facility).

Homeward Bound

I'm going home, I'm going home, yes, yes, yes, I'm going home! At 11am I heard my name. I'd just started doing hall laps for the second time today out of pure boredom. I walk up to the bubble and I'm told, "go get your stuff." I look at her and say, "I'm going home?" "Yes, you're going home." Hurray!!!!! Tonight begins my next step closer to a 'normal' life.

I asked if I could make some phone calls - look for a ride - but what time I'm actually released is unknown. I still need to meet with my CW.

Five nights here. It's not a true HWH, for some it's rehab, others for drug court, for all it's a locked facility. I'll never know (I hope) the experiences of a true HWH. Perhaps Freckles will and that will inform us as all.

I was just called to the CW's office. I signed more forms (some that should've been signed when I arrived), went over this week's goals - no reason to leave home, except try and go to a GA meeting on Wednesday, and went over all the rules of home confinement (shared in a separate entry). My curfew is 9pm-6am, but I need advance okay to leave and do anything. I will be called on my home phone at least 3x/day, including in the middle of the night. The home phone and I will be best friends!!

I need to take a "rules test" for staying here, even though I am leaving. They need to take my photo. Then I'm allowed to call to get a ride home. I'll likely be out after dinner.

12:35pm I'm sitting in the tv room. My leg always shakes, but it's going especially crazy. I'm so happy to be going home! I should be in my room until 1pm according to the rules, but I no longer have a room. I'll be in the not so comfy chairs for the next six hours. I'm fine with that. They are certainly better than the blue benches at Carswell. I can be patient for anything now.

I had to pick up a bunch of "Request for Time Out" slips. Once pre-approved, anywhere I'd like to go, I need to pre-fill out the form and bring it with me when I go. All places outside my home will need to sign the form when I arrive and leave. Every Monday I will go over my schedule with my CW, so my week's activities will all need to be determined before the Monday.

It turns out my PO will have nothing to do with me during my home confinement. I will still do all my reporting here. There's so much the BOP is wrong on in the info they share with us. I hope my experiences help others get a feel for what to expect - or rather - expect nothing, because whatever you think is going to happen, it is rarely ever right. What they tell you will happen, is also rarely ever right.

A bird just flew into the window where I'm sitting. It fell straight to the ground. I'd check on it if I were allowed outside this building. Once home, I can sit outside, as long as my phone reaches in terms of reception. I will certainly take advantage of being able to get some fresh air.

I've warned T.S. and Sporty to be gentle with me, in terms of wanting me to catch up on a year's worth of everything right away. I said we should make a list of everything they want to show me (T.S. video blogs, pictures, movies, tv shows, new music, etc.) and we'll so a little every day. It's a little overwhelming to come back to a 'normal' life and it is certainly okay to do it with baby steps. Sleeping on a real bed, access to a refrigerator, playing with my dog, choosing my own clothes, using an oven, wearing a cute hat, playing on my iPhone, using the internet, writing directly into my blog, and communicating to anyone at anytime using a choice of mediums are things I haven't done in nearly 10 months.

Instead of seeing life as it was before I was locked up, my head is still in prison mode. I had a small sandwich bag last night and I turned and asked if anyone needed it before I threw it away. We don't throw things away in prison that can be repurposed. The good thing was that I didn't horde it in my locker (Red would be proud). Anyway, no one needed my sandwich bag and it went to the garbage.

I guess the good thing is that I certainly will have plenty of things to keep writing about for a while. I've now had this odd HWH experience, next will be a month of home confinement, then the transition to supervision. I'll be updating on new hoops I need to jump through, successes, learning points, and failures. A new chapter is beginning.

Before I finish uploading everything I've written from the last week, I need to out out a very special "thank you." Traveler has been keeping this site from literally around the world. She has responded to individual emails, made adjustments when necessary, and has truly been the Dragonfly Hazel alter ego for 10 months. While there are a lot of thank you's I owe to all the people who made my life better while I was away, this very special thank you goes to Traveler - because she really made it possible for you all to follow my adventures and for more than 40,000 hits to occur in such a short span of time. Thank you Traveler - you are officially off-duty and I will forever be grateful to you!! This pic is for you:

Food

I'm still waking on Carswell time. I asked the woman in the bubble if I could sit somewhere and write at 5am, not allowed, so I wrote in my not so comfy bed using my book light. I spend about half my day in this bed.

At 6am, I was allowed out of my room, so I drank an OJ (out of vending machine) and walked the halls for 30 minutes. I was missing Freckles - we walked together most mornings.

Breakfast was at 8:15am, but by then, my stomach was feeling pretty funky. By lunchtime - very funky. It must be the OJ - I hadn't had real OJ in nearly a year. It's like introducing things into one's diet during an elimination diet. I hear many foods may cause me a reaction. Unfortunately, there was no way for me to get any Pepsid, Imodium, or the like, so I have had to just face bouts of "ugh" through the day. So be it.

There's no programming here on Sundays. Some residents get furloughs with their families, many go to AA/NA meetings, others work - some of us continue to be locked in this building with nowhere to go. The one other non-smoker and I bonded over no fresh air.

So, we watched a movie with Kevin Costner called "Dragonfly" and I thought, "how aperpo." It was alright. Now, they are watching Step Up 2. A room filled with young women, slightly older than T.S. I would be watching something different, perhaps one of the movies they have that are considered structured time - "Walk the Line" or "Silver Lining..." about characters dealing with addiction...

9:15pm We are watching "The Hunger Games." We have 1 & 2, but due to smoke breaks, dinner saves, pill line, etc we will only get through #1 tonight. I'll watch #2 at home. I am still in hope of going home tomorrow. I am thinking it must be true, because I am on the last page of this journal - a journal Freckles got me during the merry-go-round. So, I guess I need to go home to get a new notebook :-)

Since I get a night time medication, I automatically get a snack - bologna sandwich with mustard and a small cranberry juice every night. I give away the sandwich and drink the juice.

I love the line just spoken in Hunger Games, "Hope is the only thing stronger than fear..."

Hall Walking

In 2008, not only was my family trying to handle my crisis, but we also had another one - my maternal grandmother was moving back due to her Alzheimer's diagnosis. She'd married just a few years ealier to her high school sweetheart, after my grandfather passed away. The old high school sweetheart turned out to be too overwhelmed to be able to care for my grandma, once her memory issues (mild at the time) started to impact their lives. He was actually a jerk and one good thing of my grandma's Alzheimer's (much more advanced now) is that she only remembers her 52 years married to my grandfather, whom she refers to as the love of her life - even though his name now escapes her.

My grandma actually asked us to move into an assisted living place - one she enjoyed going to for daytime activities. Sporty worked there, so we knew she'd get good quality care. They also offer all levels of care - so she started in an apartment, then a studio, then a room with nursing care, and now she's in a full care room.

My grandma had always been active and when she first moved there, she would walk the halls - sometimes a couple times/day- doing laps like many people do at malls. She wanted to stay fit - she was always tiny waisted.

Now, I find myself following in my grandma's legacy - walking the halls. It actually makes me think of her, which is a good thing. My grandma learned to make the best of being locked inside her assisted living home and I can, also, make the best of living in this converted old nursing home turned rehab/HWH by trying to stay active and walk the halls.

VISITATION
I did end up getting permission to have T.S. and Sporty visit me today. They only allow 1 hour visits - so they traveled 3 hours total and spent an hour with me sitting in the cafeteria. Only two of us had visitors. From 4-5pm, there's another visitation time, but I was only allowed a single visit for the weekend.

It was a good visit. We hardly got enough time to talk. T.S. needs me home to help make her room more comfortable. A lot of my stuff is in boxes in the basement storage. We may struggle with three adults sharing a single vehicle, but I'll use Hope whenever I can. I'll also take the bus. I'm too grateful to be going home to be picky. The bus stop is 2 blocks from where I'll be living. I'll only need a car on the days I have to check back in here. I know we'll figure out how to make it work.

I'm off to lunch and then my laundry duty for  a bit. I'll probably finish my book after. Then a couple hallway laps. I miss my friends - both those on the outside and those I met inside.

5pm I finished the Tami Hoag book I was reading - spending far more than the one hour they allow us to read each day. It's saturday, so many watched a lot of tv/movies. I chose to read.

I'm not sure if it is due to the younger age here, but people don't seem as serious about being locked up. Then again, most go out often - work, shopping, AA/NA meetings... They eat McDonald's and Taco Bell when they are out (whether authorized or not) and really don't show the gratitude of having this experience over jail/prison.

Turns out many of them were meth manufacturers and users, much like the people I met in prison. However, they avoided federal conspiracy charges or turned state's evidence. One woman I met testified against the big wigs and was sent here instead of facing 10-20 years in prison.

People staying here have to pay rent. I do not. Those with jobs must give 25% of their income as rent. Those without jobs are also assessed a rent, but I don't know how it is decided. Any resident that works a full kitchen shift received $6 off their rent. If they "volunteer" enough shifts, they can pay off their entire monthly rent.

Since we are not supposed to sit in our rooms, I joined others in our only other space - the tv room. They put on a scary movie, though, so I'm trying not to pay attention. I have no blanket to hide under and no hand to squeeze. I don't do scary well - especially when the suspense music constantly makes my heart skip a beat in fear.

T.S. and Sporty brought me some more clothes. Clothes that were once tight to too small, are falling off me. It's a good feeling and I hope I can at least maintain, if not lose some more weight. I already told T.S. that I'm getting her up every morning to work out with me. At 19, she likes to sleep, but she will have work and classes this summer, so she is truly transitioning into a young adult. She's decided to look up recipes on Pintrest and she wants to cook dinner once a week. I welcome her wanting to do so, although the ingredients will still be bought by Sporty and myself.

I haven't seen the sunshine for 1 1/2 days. Well, I see it through windows, but I want fresh air. I'm going to ask if I can get some fresh air at the courtyard outside of the House Smoke times. I should also be allowed some outside time, even if I don't smoke. Time for me to go... I can't keep being in this room... movie is really scary...

Locked Up

12pm I spent the morning in my room, because everyone here is working on some programming, except me. Of course, I fell asleep. It's still way uncomfortable on my bunk, but it's better - I'll take better! I used my exercise band and did what I could. Then, I went to see when my intake would be. I was told they'd get me, and it was supposed to be this morning. When I found the staff that does the intake, she said, "gather everyone that's new and we'll do it now...," but everyone that's new is in a meeting, so now it's rescheduled for later this afternoon.

I, also, inquired on whether I am leaving today. My CW already left for the day. The other CW said she'd look into my file. I'll be here, locked inside, for the weekend if I am not given the approval to head home. I'm building anxiety, but the serenity prayer is a constant chant in my head. I wish I could go for a walk, get some sun, or be doing something productive. At least lunch was good - chicken patties, broccoli, and chips. They use these plastic adobe looking round plates, so every meal feels southwestern - ha! In this meal, I used my handy dandy spork for the broccoli and to spread my mayo. It really is the all go to tool. I will never down the spork again!

They haven't placed me on a house job, because I am leaving so soon. CW didn't approve my visitors for the weekend - I really think she thought I wouldn't be here. I hope the other CW can help make it happen!

1pm. I met with the nurse. He was a nice guy. We talked about medical care in the BOP and later, as he did my assessment, he told me I was medically knowledgeable. Yeah, I have some background on the stuff. All vitals were good - no follow up necessary.

I am not going home today... There are no notes from my CW, so there's nothing they can do until Monday. Seems the workers here are as capable as those at Carswell. Tell you one thing, drop the ball, and you are left with staying longer.

Intake was filling out a bunch of forms. The CW kept telling me that they were not relevant to me because I'm not programming, so just skip it or sign my name at the bottom. Since I'm here more than 24 hours, they need to have the paperwork in my folder. Glad it'll look to their bosses that they are dotting their i's and crossing their t's. There's a packet of papers about programming that I have to complete this weekend. One was a drug/alcohol assessment. For every question my honest answer was "no" or "n/a."

When I start my organization in the future, no one will be told that there is no programming for them. Every resident will receive their own plan to follow - individual and group opportunities. For this weekend, I was told to just get used to this place and the many rules. I believe a different/real HWH would have been more appropriate for me...

LAUNDRY WARS???
3:30pm The laundry room contains two front loader washers and dryers. Too bad, one of them is broke. The procedure is that we sign up in advance for a laundry machine. Since no one was signing up for one of them, I correctly deduced something must be wrong with it. Even so, there are plenty of open times for the working one. I chose 3:15pm. My short stay seemingly longer and lack of clothing choices (T.S. brought me plenty of undergarments, but not much in terms of shirts/pants and no pj's), I really need to wash.

So, at 3:15pm, I get whatever blah powder laundry soap the staff in the bubble gives me and go to the laundry room. The washer still had a good 30 minutes left. In Carswell, this would be war. So, I go back to the bubble and inquire about procedure if laundry is running late. I don't want trouble. No trouble, here, just go in when it's empty - oh, how the real world works... No screaming down the hall, "Washer #2!!"

IRONY
5:30pm I write about laundry, go to eat dinner, and as I'm exiting, I'm told I'm officially on laundry detail as my house job. Ummm, okay.

This is institutional laundry - sheets, blankets, towels, etc. Wash, dry, fold, repeat. Plus, make sure we have five sets ready at all times - impossible, because we only had two towels, 1 wash cloth, and 2 pillow cases, so anyone who gets a set will be missing one or more things. No wonder it took me so long to get a pillow case!

It's downtime after house jobs, so I folded, swept the floor, and went to my room. All I have for the rest of the night is the phone at 7pm and pill line at 9pm. #2 is in her bed grunting, but doesn't appear to be doing anything to herself this time. #1 is in her usual pissy mood. She keeps the room door wide open, #2 wants it closed. I'm just minding my own business.

I walked some hallway laps before dinner. The two hallways we can use make an "L" shape (with the bubble at their intersection). One hallway is about 50 yards, and other about 100, so back and forth, back and forth.

I learned this building used to be a nursing home. I can see it - the doors are extra wide, bathrooms without showers, etc. Based on it's look, though, it was probably never a "nice" nursing home. It's very institutional - cinder block walls, ugly linoleum floors. On the room ceilings, the rails are still there for the separator curtains that once separated the two residents in each room for privacy. Now, I know why there are so many hospital beds - they must've come with the building! Also, these old sheets and blankets - wow, it must have been a foreclosure!

You Don't Look Like a Felon
8:30pm For the umpteenth time since my arrival two days ago, I was told, "You don't look like a felon... what'd you do?" I answer honestly and no one can figure out why I was prosecuted. They don't understand what fraud means. I've had a lot of time since my crime, but it doesn't make me any less guilty of it.

Today, two different young staff members made the comment, including the young women who first processed me. They are new grads with bachelors in Criminal Justice. I used to teach their courses at a community college. In another life, these young women could have been my students. One talked to me about law school. A resident also talked to me about law school. She is also a fed case and she's applying to my same university. She did her undergrad there, too. I'm glad she doesn't see her felony as the end of her career goals - just like I don't. I pray she's successful!

There have been tears here today - people dealing with family issues, inability to take their narcotic drugs (not allowed at all), a woman discharged saying goodbye, a funeral of a friend, and more. Most are fairly new to being sober and don't yet know how to deal with emotions or handling difficulty. They just smoke, smoke, smoke. I feel sad for their struggles. 

I finished all the paperwork I was told to fill out this weekend. One question I found specifically interesting is "what is a victim?" I answered, "someone who believes life is happening "to" them, rather than an opportunity to learn and grow. My answer hadn't prepared me for the next question - very fitting based on my writing over the last 24 hours, "who were my victims?" This time I answered incredibly different - again listing all the people my actions hurt. Life didn't happen "to" them. They still hold anger and resentment, years later. Yet, I don't like the term "victim," I prefer "survivor." I guess they are the survivors of my addictive behavior. Are they victims or survivors? I don't know. Perhaps because of this time of the year - May 5th, 2008 my last gamble, May 11th, my unintentional intervention, June 9th, my first GA meeting (my clean date) makes this a good time to reflect on all the people I hurt, the community, the staff, friends, family, and myself. I must live in the present, though, and right now I must just keep moving forward and do good in this world. I may never make my victims/survivors whole or happy, but maybe I can help enough other people to make up for my past and my addiction.

FIRE DRILL
11pm Laying in bed, reading a 1990's book by Tami Hoag - "beep, beep, beep... beep, beep, beep..." Fire alarm. #2 runs out - she immediately falls to the ground outside, covering her ears. At Carswell, the flashing lights caused several seizures during each drill, for #2, it's the sound that causes her seizures. She didn't have a seizure tonight, though. UGH, the alarm just started going off again... #2 just made another run for it out the door. We were told not to go, but she was already out. They are saying she's AWOL, but she's just outside the door, covering her ears. It's still going off 5 minutes later, my ear plugs help a little.

Anyway, during the first fire alarm at 11pm, we exit the building and they do roll call - 40 men and about 50 yds away are the 40 women. There's a big racial difference between the men and the women. 90% of the men are African American, only 3 of the women are. Not sure why. Two men didn't get up, so we are warned - fire alarm again tomorrow night at 11pm. Something to look forward to.

It's past lights out, but #2 is still not back and the fire alarm finally shut off. Conversations are still loud in the hall. It may be a long night!

Halfway House v. Federal Prison

I know I am not having a real halfway house experience. This place is a community lockup/rehab. However, based on my personal experiences, I thought I would provide a breakdown of the differences...

Dress/Attire
HWH: You can have your own clothes with some restrictions; no shorts; must have no jeans on at dinner
Prison: Uniform and the greys you purchase; dress in anything for breakfast and dinner, dress in uniform all day and for lunch; you will get sick of khaki or whatever color your uniform is

Fresh Air
HWH: Only allowed outside for smoking and pre-approved furloughs (work, etc.)
Prison: Allowed out on all open moves with a pass during the day and without a pass at night; if at a camp - you do not have to wait for open moves

Passes
HWH: Put in paperwork in advance to get possible approval to go to store, library, time with family
Prison: Stand in line at half hour to get a pass to stay on compound and go to rec center, outdoor rec, the chapel, library, etc.

Visitors:
HWH: Fill out form about one week in advance to get approval; visits last 1 hour and are allowed 3 days/week.
Prison: One someone is approved they can visit any Saturday/Sunday between 8am-3pm.

Narcotic Medications
HWH: None allowed, even if prescribed
Prison: Wait in long pill line to receive prescribed narcotics

Physical Activity
HWH: Do what you can in your room/on your bed.
Prison: Get pass and go to the rec center where there's equipment to use and/or go to outdoor rec and walk the track or join an organized sport.

Reading
HWH: Allowed for one hour per day.
Prison: Anytime during your down time.

Urine Tests
HWH: As often as 1-2x per week
Prison: 1-2x/year unless you have a dirty UA

Rooms
HWH: 2-3/room in 10x20 with a door
Prison: 4/room in 7x10 with no door

Bathroom
HWH: Attached to room, shared by two rooms ~ 6 people
Prison: Community, shared by 150-300 women

Showers
HWH: Open room with 5 shower heads
Prison: Private stalls with doors

In-House Jobs
HWH: Everyone is put on a work crew doing cleaning type work
Prison: Choices of jobs throughout the institution, only orderlies are responsible for large institutional cleaning

Outside Jobs
HWH: Allowed any legal job
Prison: No jobs off the compound. Some camps have employment deals with local businesses.

Library
HWH: A selection of about 50 books published in the 1990's and earlier
Prison: Thousands of titles from classics to current; all vampire books are not allowed

Food
HWH: Follows a four week schedule; no set food service workers; institutional grade food
Prison: Follows a five week schedule; food workers with experience; institutional grade food

Travel
HWH: No shackles; can have own car/scooter or take the bus
Prison: No leaving

Sleep Wear
HWH: In any proper pj's
Prison: the provided pj's or tshirt and shorts; must sleep in bra

Healthcare
HWH: Your own doctors and your own insurance
Prison: Their doctors, free

Money
HWH: Pay cash for snacks, taxi, soda, phone use
Prison: All funds are deposited into your account by an outside entity

Rent
HWH: Pay 25% of income
Prison: Free; in rare instances you pay for your bed

Commissary
HWH: About 12 snack foods available
Prison: All hygiene, food, snacks, spices, clothing, etc.

Down Time
HWH: Only one hour/day in room allowed besides specified room times
Prison: Anytime you are not working you can be in your room (unless it's inspection)

Cleanliness
HWH: I'm thinking the bathroom hasn't had a good cleaning in years
Prison: The orderlies clean it daily.

Count/Roll Call
HWH: They come around and look for you and mark you off
Prison: Stand count 2-3x/day.

Phone
HWH: Unlimited calls in 15 minute intervals ($1/15 minutes); must sign up earlier in the day for a later time slot
Prison: 15 minute calls; wait 30 minutes between each call (about $3/15 minutes)

Email
HWH: None
Prison: Access through TruLincs

Smoking
HWH: Various times through day
Prison: None

Television
HWH: Videos/television after 9pm
Prison: Available most of the day, own a radio to hear

Ages
HWH: Avg age around 24
Prison: Avg age around 35

Diversity
HWH: 90% Caucasian
Prison: 25% Caucasian, 50% Latina, 23% African American, 2% Other

Recovery
HWH: Drugs & Alcohol Only
Prison: Drugs & Alcohol Only

Room Cleaning
HWH: 1x/week
Prison: Every day

Beds
HWH: Pancake thin mattress on a bunk bed
Prison: Usually bunk bed with mildly thicker mattress

Pillows:

HWH: paper thin: plastic cover; unsure of inside material (if there is any)

Prison: Feather pillow; Throws feathers out of seams everywhere in room; cloth striped cover

Staff
HWH: Young; Just out of college
Prison: Older, many nearing retirement; Mean

Lockers
HWH: Wait in line and ask permission to get into a 1'x2' locker; Lock and combo provided
Prison: 3'x2' locker with own lock available anytime in room

Education
HWH: Get a book and study on your own
Prison: GED and adult ed classes available

Shots/PRN
HWH: Five non-serious or one serious PRN = lose privileges for a week
Prison: Any non-serious will be punished, serious will go to SHU

Unit Relaxation/Work Space
HWH: Small sitting room or dining hall
Prison: Atrium, TV rooms, Desk in room

Appointments
HWH: Hung at window in handwriting or told
Prison: Call-Out sheet provides all appointments for the next day

Ice Water
HWH: No ice available
Prison: Ice available in the unit anytime

Case Worker
HWH: one for every 20 residents
Prison: one for every 250 inmates

Paper/Pencils
HWH: Bring your own
Prison: Provided for free

Time Spent in Institution
HWH: 1-6 months
Prison: 6 months - 50 years

Recovery Programs
HWH: Drug/alcohol program available
Prison: Drug/alcohol program available; gets you time off your sentence

Religions
HWH: 99.9% Christian
Prison: 90% Christian; 5% Muslim, 5% Other

Distance
HWH: Within hours of your home
Prison: Anywhere within 3,000 miles from home

The Comments

Okay, I can't help myself. I keep going back to those nasty comments - likely made by other students who I was not close to in my phd program. One comment said something like, "I hope you weren't referring to yourself as a hero..." and went on to bash me. I would think it was perfectly apparent that the hero was my former adviser, whom I had so much respect for. I know I have to just "let go" of the judgement and negativity toward me.

I wish I had some way to fully make whole what my actions took away from this world. The board of an amazing small organization made the decision to close the doors due to my embezzlement. There are victims - an entire community, my staff, etc., due to what I did. Are some acts just so unforgivable? If a former gang member who killed someone can turn their life around and do good in the world, can't I?

My journey to where I am today took me to depths of irrational thoughts and actions that are outrageous. However, I cannot change the past, not live in the past. All who believe I am unforgivable have a right to do so. However, I am not an enemy to my community because I did something wrong. Which would have been the bigger tragedy? To have followed through on the suicide my actions led me to believe was my only way out or for me to learn, grow, and give back every day so that someone else may never end up in the same desperation?

For those nay-sayers in this world, people who think that I could of/should of been able to control my actions knows nothing of addiction, of the depths of self-hatred that fuels the desperation. No matter how capable, smart, caring, or giving you are, addiction will make all the good disappear. Once in recovery, should people keep judging?

I've made amends to those I could, I'm paying restitution, and I try to give back to all my communities. I can never make whole what we lost. You can never make it worse for me than I make it for myself. I believe, though, in second chances. I believe that everyone can change if they want to. I surrendered myself to recovery and change. I became a PhD student after making those changes.

You can call me names, unfriend me, bad mouth me to others, gossip, kick me out of school, but what you cannot do is make me give up my recovery, my gratitude, my love of life, my real friends/family, my ability to smile, laughter, my desire to make the world just a bit better, my "paying it forward," or even my ability to separate who you are from the judgment you throw at me. I forgive all who demean me. I forgive all who judge me. I forgive all who intentionally choose to hurt me. My life has purpose and I will keep doing the next right thing no matter how many judge me, how many dead ends I cross, how many metal slabs I have to sleep on.

I'm actually glad the comments are there. They will always keep me humble and remind me that I did a terrible thing. I hurt an already vulnerable community. Sham me, throw stones, but, perhaps, in time, you can talk to me, hear my story, and maybe even you can discover forgiveness.

AWOL

10pm. Earlier today a new woman checked-in. Her mom and son were here dropping her off. It seemed her son had special needs. The new resident hugged her mom and son goodbye and her mom told her she was proud of her. She'd get one phone call tonight and then she'll be allowed to call again in a week - she's in an intensive program that will save her from going to jail/prison. I'm not sure her full story, but one or more serious DWI's got her in here. I had dinner with her. She didn't touch her food.

About 15 minutes ago, she stood behind me in the bubble line. She seemed okay for her first night here. I don't know what she asked the woman in the bubble, but 10 minutes later, she had her sneakers on and she ran out the back door. She's officially AWOL.

She's from a couple hours away from here, so she didn't go home. A bench warrant will immediately be put out on her. I just imagine the reaction from her mom at home, as she will have to care for her grandchild that much longer, while Mom goes to jail.

The gossip has spread among the women here. They are surprised she didn't give it at least one day. Turns out three different people - two females and one male when AWOL just this week. Back to the realities of addiction - you can't force someone into recovery. I pray for the woman and her son that this is her last hurrah and she surrenders herself to getting well. If not, she's looking at the three promises of addiction - prison, insanity, or death. Now I know why there's a door with an "AWOL Closet" sign on it. The newbie's stuff will go in there tonight.

Ouch

What a difference a day makes. The pain I feel in my back, neck, and shoulders is indescribable. I get up to do some stretches and the top bunk is too low for me to do so. I move to the cold, hard floor instead. I went to sleep without my medication and still no towel. I wish I could take a walk, but there's no where I can go to do so. I now see why I was not medically cleared for RRC/HWH.

6:45am is mandatory meeting time where they do a roll call and you let them know what meals you will eat here for the next 24 hours. I said, "lunch save," which means I may not be here for lunch at 11:45am. I went to the bubble to see about my meds - but none are approved still. I try to explain that my medication regiment is important, but there's nothing that can be done until someone approves them, and it's not her.

I wanted to make sure I wouldn't have difficulty getting my injection for my doc appt that morning, and she said, "your insulin?" I explained that it's not insulin and is very expensive medication. Turns out it made it to the fridge, but they didn't have the boxes handled correct side up. I was able to fix that. The woman in the bubble looked at me with eyes telling me to not ask any more questions. I walked away without any of my medications for the last 24 hours and said I'd be back at 7:30am to pick up my injection.

The 40 women here are averaging in their mid 20's. There are only a few other women here who kinda look about my age. The BOP folks, like me, all seem a bit older. This morning, one of the BOP folks told me that she just got there from Lexington. She knew Lola before Lola transferred to Carswell. Small world.

I put my blanket on the floor to do some stretching, but my body hurt too much and I could barely do anything. I pray some stuff gets answered today for me. Here's my list so far:

• Can I get a medical mattress?
• What will procedure to give myself my injections be?

Time out, my roommate is masturbating with herself and grunting loudly - never dealt with it quite that way in Carswell ---

• Can I have a towel?
• What does home confinement orientation include?
• How can I get on the public assistance website so I can sign up for health insurance?
• Can I attend a GA meeting?
• Can I go to the library?
• Can I have visitors?
• Can I have a bedside table/set of drawers like everyone else?

12:30pm. I am back from my doctor appointment and laying on the hard bunk I am assigned. I ate breakfast with Pink and Lexington. They both should be on home confinement, but this place is holding them - sounds familiar. Scares me a bit, but I need to put my future in god's hands and just get through today.

We have to bring a bright orange spork with us to every meal. We each get one. It is our spoon, fork and knife all in one. Breakfast was cereal and toast. I was given frosted flakes. No healthier options. Oh well.

T.S. was at the door when I came out of breakfast. She looks so good, gosh I missed her. I walked to the door to ask her if she brought me the clothes I requested. I then was screamed at - didn't know we couldn't approach the door. Anyway, my few items she brought were searched and I quickly headed to my room to change out of my greys - finally!!! No time for a shower - and I still don't have a towel anyway.

Outside, I was finally able to give T.S. a great big hug. I'm tired and worn out, so, I wasn't very engaging as T.S. drove me 1 1/2 hours to my doctor appt. I did get to put one quick Facebook post up - a self pic with "I'm back... sorta!" I'm not sure of the Internet rules, so I don't want to be online until I'm given permission to do so. Another thing I did was "unfriend" more than half the people on my Facebook. It's not that I don't want to be their friends anymore, I just want to wait until I know they choose to be a friend and not a hater. Those I know support me, I kept. I was especially glad I chose to do that BEFORE I stumbled on a bunch of negative comments from an earlier dragonfly hazel post. They judge me without really knowing the story, thinking I am not worthy of a second chance or being in school. I thought to myself, these people know nothing of who I am and if I chose not to tell them my deepest past secrets, then that was my right. I didn't lie, I used discretion and I chose to tell those I was closest to and trusted - isn't that what we all do? So, I decided I want my Facebook friends to be those who I can put into my circle of trust. I will share this site with them. I will happily add back those I took off, if they want to continue a friendship knowing all of me.

Meanwhile, while I am capable of deleting these past negative comments on my writings/feelings, I choose not to. Everyone has a right to their own opinions. People can think anything they want of me. They are obviously perfect human beings, never dealt with addiction, and never felt true desperation. As for me, I live with my mistakes, my crime, the reality of what I did, and I choose to try to do the next right thing. I did a lot of good things, even when I was destroying myself, but never was I proud of myself until I got into recovery, got healthy, and learned forgiveness - especially to forgive myself. I don't need anyone to like me, as long as I like myself. Luckily, I have an incredible community of support, who also practice love, compassion, forgiveness, kindness, and honesty. I think I'll keep my energy flowing in their direction.

So, we get to my doctor's appointment just in time. I am weighed - down like 45 lbs since I was here a year ago. Once I am in a patient room, I immediately say, "I just want to make sure you know, before you spend any time with me, that I don't yet have any health insurance..." It didn't seem a problem to them.

I answered all their pain/health questions I need to answer every time I'm here... I just got pulled into a meeting with my case worker, so more to report, but first back to my doctor appt... I'm asked if I have anything specific to address. I say, "many things, but today let's just concentrate on immediate needs..." I am to continue my medications, she gave me an update of my medical restrictions, and I'll come back in two months for a more thorough appointment.

So, we go through a typical visit, an hour long, and I give myself my enbrel injection in front of the nurse, and may medical record is updated. I got the form showing where I was and what I was doing signed, a copy of my medical needs, and went back to T.S. - they only charged me $10 for my visit!!!!

Driving back to the community facility (can't call it a HWH, because it is not one), I was better able to talk with T.S. as she drove. Gosh, I've missed her. We got me back to the facility 20 minutes before my "pass expiration" I waited at the door to be let in, pat down, stuff searched... I signed in and handed them my verification form. My case worker (CW) immediately requested my home phone bill - the phone that is a house phone with no call forwarding --- sporty had sent it in with T.S., so I was ready. Her asking for it meant she must be working on my file - that must be a good thing!

I head to my room to relax, first asking permission to go into my locker to put my personal items in there - health records, license, debit card, etc. About 20 minutes later, I was told to go see CW. I had to ask where to find her, I'm new after all. There is a "wing" to the building that is all administration and I found her office down that corridor.

Good news immediately - someone is heading toward where I live tonight, and if they can do the home visit, my time here will be way less. I asked if there's any possibility I could be home for the weekend - she said a slight one. I'll hold on to that hope! First, Sporty needs to be home when they show up tonight - she's busy being oriented for her new job, so I pray we can reach her in time. Also, I need to fill out a form that I'll have access to Sporty's car and Sporty will need to write a notarized letter, that I have permission to drive her car. So, there's lots to do immediately - I can handle that!

CW also told me that my intake will be tomorrow morning, but "you won't be expected to complete any programs..." She did read my file and saw she can't really hold me here medically. She is working to get me out of here! I will be meeting with the nurse as well tomorrow, but CW told me to not emphasize anything wrong with me, because I won't be there long enough for the nurse to do anything for me. Sweet words to my ears.

I signed a bunch of papers and asked the questions I had come up with that were still relevant. She told me she'd find me a second mattress and pillow. She was reluctant to give me a medical bed, because I'm LEAVING so soon... I am okay with that!

I told CW that I promised region/BOP that I'd sign up for health insurance through the ACA website within 24 hours. CW said, "well, that's not going to happen..." No access to internet here. I'll have to wait until I'm home.

Under home confinement, I will have to come to the institution every Monday and Thursday morning., I will need access to a vehicle - Sporty's. We'll work that out. I won't have any electronic monitoring. I will always have a 9pm curfew, except for work or school. I'll have to call in frequently and be home for their random calls on the home line. I can't go anywhere without advance approval.

CW asked me a bunch of questions. I asked if I am here for the weekend, could I attend a GA meeting. She said, "what's that??" I'm so used to that response, but this is a place of recovery, the serenity prayer is in the dining hall like 12 times, yet she doesn't know of GA. Such a misunderstood addiction!

When the meeting was over, I was happy on "hope," so I called T.S. She has plans but will cut them short to be home for the home visit if her mom can't be. She's such an amazing young woman! By the time I saw SW at the bubble that afternoon, both Sporty and T.S. had called her and said they'd be home. I also called survivor - I so miss her. I haven't seen her since she dropped me at the gate the first day. It was a short, but good, call.

SW helped me find a second tiny mattress and another flat pillow. Pink got me an old stained but clean towel. I'm not getting a chest of drawers/night stand, so be it. Home is closer now. I feel it.

Speaking of home, I finally reached Red's MIL. She had not gotten my message from yesterday - not sure why not. So, I start telling her about Red, the Marshalls, etc. She had no idea what I was talking about. She picked up Red at the bus and she's home now. I guess the Marshalls didn't show. She'll still take care of the charge, but she's home with her babies. That brings me so much peace!!

5pm. I was given access to my approved medications finally. Dinner consisted of a meat and macaroni dish that I can't quite describe (gross), carrots, cornbread, and 2 more slices of white bread.

Still more to write for the day... but taking a break... more entries to come asap.

It's a Hard Knock Life

Okay, I obviously wrote too much, while I was offline... back to what I'd written longhand...

My large medicine box could not fit in the overhead compartment or under my seat on the smaller plane. Luckily, the flight attendant could move me to the back of the plane, where there was more space...

Arrive at the small town "international" airport (they must go to Canada or something for it to be considered international) and follow signs to ground transportation. I found a counter with taxi/sedan/limo on a sign. I'm told that all transportation must be arranged through them. I give my HWH address and they have me pre-pay $29 for the trip. I was given $55, so I'm not complaining. Meanwhile, an older lady comes to the counter to get a taxi home. She's charged $39 and is pissed, "it used to be only $19!" She gives in, of course, we all need to get to where we need to go... but lo and behold, they have only one car available - we are asked if we would mind sharing the taxi. I ask for a discount. We are each given $5 off our trip and we then agree. Poor lady didn't yet realize I was going to the absolute opposite side of the town than she was, so her ride would be twice as long. It's a small city, though, so we are talking the difference between 10 minutes and 20 minutes. So be it.

We go to the "taxi" and it's actually a sedan. Okay, we can travel in style. The lady asks me a bunch of questions. Picture her - very trendy dresser, fancy earrings, late 60's, grandmother for sure... Discretion definitely came in handy. She asked where I was traveling from, how long I was there, why I have such a big box of medication, what's medically wrong with me, etc.

So, what I did not say is, "I just got out of prison this morning, where I spent nearly a year, got no medical care except for my medication (well, most of my medications), and I have serenegative spondyloarthropathy... you are about to drop me off an an unnamed/unsigned large building in a bad neighborhood where I will spend more time with other felons, drug abusers, and other needing a hand up..." Nope, I didn't say that. I could just see her eyes bulge out of their socket. Instead, I just said, "I was in the Dallas/Fort Worth area for several months. I have to travel with my medication for an autoimmune condition. I'm going to a place to see someone." Enough said.

So, I'm dropped off at the front door of the RRC/HWH - it looks like a business office. I go to the main door, oops - men's side - I need to carry my stuff - big box included (tape handles broke off) - and make my way around the building and along a path to the women's side. I find the right number door, and go inside.

You know the look of old seedy motels, well, that's the feel when you walk into the women's side of this place. The men's side has a stained glass window and looks nicer, but you walk in here and there's a desk called the "bubble," where the staff members sit behind a plexiglass with a slot open at the bottom like a bank, and a talking hole too high for my height. Women were everywhere, doing a million things - going in/out of lockers, getting cigarettes, cleaning floors, going to meetings, sitting in a small courtyard, on the phone, asking for mail, asking for laundry soap, buying snacks, coming in from school/work, taking urine tests, getting alcohol breath checked, etc.

I stood at the bubble to be processed in. The young woman is new, never processed anyone before, and didn't know where to begin. It was 5:15pm. I just stood there, taking in the grittiness of the place - everything is old and warn down.

It became quickly apparent that the BOP inmate is the exception to what they usually have here. Most are here for drug/alcohol issues - there are a number of programs - rehab, drug court, swift and sure, and others that they do while in there. It is not a real halfway house, it is a locked down community correctional place. Only four other federal inmates are here on their "halfway house" time. I met one, she knew Danbury. She was supposed to be on home confinement weeks ago, but she's still here.

Anyway, a male staff member from the men's side comes to finally help me get processed in. I answer questions - out address, past drug/alcohol abuse, suicidal tendencies, medical issues, etc. There's not enough room on the form to list all my medications or medical issues. Meanwhile, I am still standing and I have to use the restroom. So, this gives us the time to do my urinalysis and my strip search. Squat, spread 'em, cough - yep, once again. My breath is checked for alcohol "0.0." I'm back standing at the bubble for a while longer. It's after 6pm, so I ask for a chair, and they allow me to bring one up to the bubble. So, I sit down, lower than any openings in the plexiglass and attempt to hear their questions and provide answers. A ton of people continue to need the young staff woman's attention and the guy has to go back to his side of the facility, so, she gets pretty flusterred. Meanwhile, my box of medication is still sitting there - along with all my belongings - for her to sift through. At 6:35 pm, I ask if there's any way I can get something to eat. I know she is still processing me in, but I'm getting hungry and she keeps getting pulled away. She disappears to the kitchen and comes out with a sack lunch. Two peanut butter sandwiches on white break, packaged grape jelly (the same jelly we had at Carswell!!), pretzels, and bright blue sugar drink. I made a sandwich , ate a couple pretzels, took a swig of the blue juice (dumped the rest - too sweet), and at least felt satisfied.

Back to the bubble. I'm taken on a quick orientation walk by another resident and she quickly goes through lockers, laundry, tv, phones, meal times, count, smoking, schedule, showers, etc. I remember about two things she said. However, I won't forget the showers - thing gym class with one open room with five shower heads - no dividers, no curtains - just open - UGH! I also learn that I'm allowed no shorts, no t-shirts, no hoodies --- okay, there goes my entire wardrobe!

Back to the bubble. I'm assigned a room - they seem reluctant to have to place me there, but it's the only lower bunk available. I'm put on a bunk with a mattress thinner than anything at Carswell on a metal frame. The bunk above it is really low, I can't sit on the bunk without hitting my head. I can't swing my arm to pull up a blanket without hitting the top bunk by accident. This place has hospital beds - about 50% of the residents are sleeping on decent medical beds. They don't have medical issues, they just were in the rooms first. I'm given a sheet and a blanket. Pink (Danbury's friend) comes by as I'm making my bed. I ask about a pillow, a set of drawers, some hygiene products, and a towel - all stuff that is supposed to be supplied. It's now after 7pm, and I'm still not fully checked in.

I am given a locker, a lock, and pretty much everything I brought from Carswell is in that locker now (the locker sits by the bubble and we have to ask permission to go in/out of it every time). My roommates both have the same first name. So, I refer to them as #1 and #2. They provided me with 3 shelves, of the 12 available in the closet. I don't have many clothes yet, but not sure that will work in the long run... they also take up 100% of the hanging closet space.

I am given 15 minutes to make a call. We can use the phone for $1 for 15 minutes - one or more calls - but 15 min total. We must sign up and pay in advance. There's only one phone available for long-distance calls. I try calling Red's MIL quickly - still no answer. I call Sporty. She's been worried sick about me. Everyone is texting each other asking if I'm out, if I got here, etc. I'm out, but I am not free. I'm still locked in a secured environment. I need permission for everything. I am still wearing my prison greys. I was self-carrying my meds, here, I have to wait in a pill line for all my meds. I will do my best to get acclimated - this is not forever.

#2 has already tried to sell me a pair of sneakers and to borrow 50 cents. I showed no interest in the shoes and I have no change. At about 8pm, I'm back at the bubble. It appears my intake is over (3 hours), but I have no pillow case or towel. The pillow I am given has no stuffing at all. it just lies flat. I also still need some hygiene products to wash up with. I go to my room to lie down, write and hope that some of the things will be provided at some point.

The pillow case arrives thirty minutes later. It smells, but so does the blanket and sheets. All appear to be like 20 years old and yellowing. It takes me minutes to get up from the flatness of the mattress on my bed. I will talk to them tomorrow about finding me something better. This place is not set up for accommodating medical needs. In fact, it's pill line time and since they haven't put my pills in the computer yet, they won't provide me with any of them. At 9pm, the box of my enbryl is even still sitting there, rather than the medication going into a fridge like it has to.

An unfortunate thought hits me at that moment - I would rather be back at Carswell. I want to take a shower and put on clean clothes. It feels like I am laying on a metal slab on the bed I'm provided. I'm all of HALT - hungry, angry, lonely and tired.

The room I am in is a suite- like at a college dorm, with a bathroom between two rooms. Everything here is old and dirty. It's my home confinement date, I don't understand why I am not going to my home confinement and instead have a new lock-up experience. I kind of feel like I'm at an orphanage right now - "It's a Hard Knock Life" (from Annie) keeps playing in my head.

I say the serenity prayer over and over again. I have a lot to be grateful for. I think about Red, possibly locked up at county, and I know I have nothing to complain about. I am even better off than the poor new young woman who is working at the bubble. She seems so overwhelmed and looks totally dazed. There are about 40 women here, but the chaos and drama already matches Carswell - except I hear no real fighting. It's loud, though, very, very loud. Music, talking, laughing, doors slamming, water running, shoes sliding, etc.

Whoa, #2 just got naked facing me - with leapard print undies on and I really did NOT want to see her naked. I'm actually glad my glasses are off, so I'm really only able to see a blur. It's a big enough room that she did not need to do that right next to my bed!

My suite mates are gossiping and talking about guys and drugs. I'm still in prison. It's just a smaller, older, less organized one. I should have brought my crochet blanket to work on!

10:15pm. I'm laying on metal. I am using my prison swearshirt to prop up my head. My back and neck are aching and I'm soooooo tired. My meds are still not in the computer, so I was not allowed to take any of my nighttime medications. I just received my hygiene pack - a plastic cup, same body soap/shampoo we had at Carswell, prison deodorant, a mini-toothbrush, scary toothpaste, and a mini-razor. Oh, and a spork. A plastic orange sport. I am hoping to get a towel still.

I never thought anything could be less organized than Carswell, but I was wrong. I hope I get my meds soon. I look forward to seeing T.S. in the morning. It'll be a better day!! I'm sure this place will get better as well. I'm not behind a fence anymore. I can wear my own clothes, and I'm much closer to friends and family!!