Letters of Recommendation

In order to be admitted to the criminal justice program at my University, I needed to include three letters of recommendation. For some reason, two of the letters were shared with me when sent to the department. Most professors do not share their letters, but these did and it was a blessing to read their words.

I know that I have a couple degrees, but I never felt worthy of them. I never believed myself smart enough - always comparing myself to the smartest people in the room and falling short. I always felt like an impostor. The "fake" me was earning these rewards, the "real" me did not deserve any of them. Even when I walked across the stage to gain my diploma from law school, already hired at a firm, it didn't feel like I'd earned that right.

My mind was sick. I didn't believe in myself. I saw all accolades as lies. Everything good that happened to/for me was by chance. I hated myself and knew deep down that everyone hated me too. The emotional illness feeding my addiction was all-consuming.

When I applied the last round to my doctoral programs, I cast a wide net. I did not know how programs would rate my past experience, as I was not always working directly in the education sphere. I was surprised to be accepted to my top choice and several other top schools. On paper, I look good.

So, what happens when you go from what's on paper to who I am in person? In my younger years, I was able to sell myself, but I did not believe a word I said. Even though on paper it was the truth, I felt disconnected from it. Undeserving. Although I'd been in recovery several years before my last round of applications, some of that still lasted... Was I deserving this opportunity in this program?

It was not until I finished my first year in the doctoral program, that I fully realized I was capable and that I did not have to be the smartest person in the room to succeed. We all have our own gifts and we each bring something different to the classroom, to our research, and to discourse. If we all interpreted everything the same, then no change would ever occur. No scholarship would need to be published. By the time I was in my second year, I felt secure, intelligent enough, and capable. I'd earned my right to be a doctoral student.

Now, here I am (re)applying to graduate programs. I have no fears of my worthiness. I earned enough high marks in my doctoral program to equal any top applicant. It's not intelligence that makes the difference between who succeeds and who fails, it is motivation, passion, and of course hard work. Looking back at my lifetime of success, now, I'm able to see those same qualities throughout. My success was not as an impostor, it was from hard, motivated work. 

When reading the letters of recommendation this week, I can officially accept that they are writing about the "real" me. I'm a whole person, with successes and failures, but even with my worst failures that led to unimaginable consequences, my successes still win out. I learn from my failures and try to do the right thing. No person is perfect, even if I held myself to that unattainable goal for most my life.

I will share with you one line from one of the letters. It said that I was probably "the top undergraduate that [she] had in [her] 30+ years of teaching." I have no idea if it is true, but it does not matter, because she believes it to be true and my being her student led to us both growing as people. I did not do my undergrad at some top university that earns accolades. It was a state school, and not the flagship state school. I never knew if I would have been accepted to a top school, I never applied. I left high school early, needing to leave my home life, and went to the furthest college I could and still be an in-state student. I do not regret that decision, as it allowed me the opportunity to learn from and work with the professor who wrote that line in one of my recommendation letters. Everything happens as it should.

I will sit down this weekend and write thank you letters to my three recommenders. Whether or not I am admitted, I know they put thought and effort into their pieces of the admission puzzle. I know I've earned their praise, even if it is sometimes hard to accept. I am smart and capable and I will add something unique to any program and classroom. I now know and accept that fact.

Supervision

It has been over a week since I met with my PO and I haven't heard from him, he has not stopped by, and I don't (yet) feel any strings pulling me (imagine a puppet). With the restraints of the past year, I feared supervision still resulting in the feeling of being contained. Instead, I feel remarkably free.

My only limit that I really feel so far, is the inability to travel out of state. Truth is, though, finances won't allow me to travel anyway. Without my scooter, I don't even have a current method of transportation. I'm taking public buses to/from campus everyday for my no-pay job. Luckily, I have a lot of quarters. So, my travel consists of where the local buses can take me and I'm comfortable with that fact.

Actually, there is one drawback. The 2pm bus I take home from campus everyday is the last trip before leaving work for the bus driver, so, he drives like a maniac! He swerves, he hits curbs, he drives in the middle of the street... I actually got motion sickness the other day and had to wear those motion sickness arm bands on his bus trip the next day. Luckily, today was his day off, so my ride went smooth and the geeky arm bands stayed in my satchel.

The bus stop is a couple minute walk from my home. Last year, when I was so sick, I wouldn't have been able to walk it. Now, I enjoy every bit of the walk - especially with the nice weather (although I understand the weather down at Carswell is so hot that they are closing the compound... It's never good to keep the inmates all cooped up for too long...). 

I imagine sometime soon, I will see my PO at work or home, or perhaps he will call. I'll be able to tell him about my application into the university, loving being back at my job, and that my goal is to be officially hired and start earning wages on August 15th. 

In the meantime, life is about trying to not spend money (never easy), keep my health up, stay grateful, and keep moving forward while I never forget the people I care about. I won't throw people away that matter. As long as I know I'm doing the next right thing!

I'm going to get to some of those questions a few of you wrote to me after the friend update very soon. I want to spend some time on them. I was also asked to be a guest blogger on someone else's prison related blog. I've never done that before, so I'm trying to work on the right topic. I never run out of things to write, but as all this blog's readers can attest to, some blog posts are better than others!!

I am not going to tell my PO at the present time about the fact that I'm starting to write a book - well, actually working on three books. One has been within me for many, many years, but I didn't know how to end it until now. Another has grown out of my recent experiences. The third is the book I wish I had to prepare myself for self-surrender. I have a lot of dreams and goals in my life, and now I'm embarking on one I've had for more than 20 years - to write a book that sells! I believe I have it in me.

Anyway, this post has certainly swayed around topics quite a bit, but the most important item I'm sharing is that being on "paper," "street time," "probation," "supervision," (whatever you choose to call it), isn't so bad. You no longer have someone pulling all your strings and controlling all your movements. You have choices and as long as you choose healthy, legal things, you will do just fine!

Keep your fingers crossed that the bus driver has tomorrow (oops, after midnight... today) off as well!!!

Opening the Door

Many of us have a lot held in. We have things we don't tell everyone, just our closest friends and family. It's normal to use discretion when we talk with colleagues- they don't need to know everything about us.

It is pretty great, though, when someone opens the door to a conversation you never thought you'd had. Yesterday, I realized that I did just that for a work colleague. She is very work oriented and while I know some basic things about her life and grand kids, I don't know all that much about her personal life.

While driving and walking to a meeting, yesterday, we started talking about nutrition and food. I was telling her about how food crazy I've been since coming back. That's when she revealed that when she picked her nephew up from prison, he was craving certain foods. She and I then talked a bit about her nephew and I could sense she was happy to be talking about him without any judgement coming her way. She has loved one or more people who have had an experience similar to mine and that was all that mattered.

In the past week of work (for no pay), I'm feeling great being in my old office and doing work that matters. From the very beginning, when I was first hired, we all felt that this was a perfect fit for me and the organization. Being back, I sense that everyone still feels that way.

In a couple weeks, I'll know my status for reentry into my university and whether I can accept the graduate research assistantship so I can continue working there. There's a part of me that knows this is all going to work out! Even if it didn't, though, it's good to know that I'll have this office of wonderful colleagues that I feel safe being open with, and they feel safe being open with me.

Hyper Sensitivity

Tonight someone asked me about the day I left Carswell. They wanted to hear how I felt, not just what I did. It's always so much easier to just go through the motions of the day, rather than how it all felt. At first, I said, "anxious," but that's not really the right thing. The closest I could get was, "hyper sensitive."

On the day you walk out of prison and into the rest of the world, everything is suddenly new once again. You get so used to the limitations and realities of life incarcerated, that you don't realize how insane everything is. There are bright colors everywhere. Signs advertising everything. Music. People on cell phone walking and not paying attention. People annoyed being in a short line. Space that has no specific purpose. Artwork. All kind of haircuts. Children. Laughter. Polite security people. Routines. Smiles. People who say, "excuse me," and, "thank you." Rude folks that bump into you. Smells ruminating from restaurants. The smell of McDonald's fries. People running places. Laptops. Pay phones. Calling cards. Cash. Empty chairs. Strangers. All kinds of shoes. Moving sidewalks. 

There's so much and it's all at the same time. Nothing happens fast at Carswell, but everything happens fast in the real world. Strangers talk to you. People sitting next to you are interested in what you are reading. You appear to be the only person without a cell phone, and everyone else's face is buried in theirs. I noticed it all. I tried to capture moments in my writing. There is so much we take for granted on the outside. I don't want to take anything or anyone for granted.

I'll keep thinking about the best words to describe that day, but for now hyper sensitive works for me. I noticed the little things that we usually stop noticing. After prison, tattoos are normal and dressing up is not. Pen and paper is normal and texting is not. A cafeteria is normal and a restaurant is not. A see through bag is normal and luggage is not. Grey and khaki are normal, red and black are not.

I'm home long enough now that I'm starting to get used to everything once again. T.S. did not want me to bring my cell phone with me to watch softball tonight, since I'm constantly using it. I left the phone at home. I'm back to posting nearly everyday on Facebook. I'm driving and not always paying attention to the constant advertisements in my face. I'm back to enjoying working with data and evaluation tools (total geek). 

I'm still quite aware, though. I walk a lot more, even if I don't have to. I try to make sure I thank people properly for everything. I'm more sensitive to the costs of things. I try to avoid khaki. I care about how I look a lot more. I tell those I care about that I love them every time I say goodbye. I still read my Peace a Day at a Time book every night before bed. I care less about what people think of me and have a lot more gusto to go after my goals. I say prayers for my friends still locked up and hope they will get opportunities to experience the hyper sensitivity soon as well.

At no point did I feel excited or particularly happy on the day I left Carswell. The minute Red was put in a cell, I felt the crushing reality of still being in BOP custody. Anything could happen to any of us at any time. I was at peace, though. I knew that I was walking out of the fences and cinder block walls for good. I was one step closer to freedom!

Healthy Goals

I think it's really important that we not only set goals around work when we are released, but we also set goals that will keep us healthy in mind and spirit. For me, that means trying to remain active and continue to lose weight. Even maintaining my weight loss would be a plus.

While I was in prison, it appears activity trackers became very popular. I was curious and put out on Facebook which ones were recommended. I keep a wish list for holidays, etc., and I was putting the recommendation on there. One of my incredibly generous friends had a different idea and yesterday I received a fitbit flex in the mail. Wow!

Now I can track my activities, steps, calories, sleep, and more! How wonderful!

So, here's the irony of it all... I am free, but I choose to have a device that tracks me and everything I do. I've never been handcuffed, yet I choose to wear a tightish "cuff" around my wrist. While I am no longer counted in my bed three times a night by security, now every time I roll over is being counted. I went from having to be monitored to choosing to be monitored. Ah, what is this world coming to?

I have to say, though, I already love my new fitbit flex. Yesterday, it motivated me to add in one more exercise video to my evening and I went for a short walk. I learned that I rolled over in my sleep 19 times (not to good at resting) and it offered me a silent way of waking by vibrating my wrist. I'm already excited to see how many steps a full day includes and if it will warn me that I've been too lazy when I spend my day at a computer. 

I know there are all kinds of ways to keep healthy. I'm not doing it all perfectly. However, something tells me that this little monitoring device might help me reach my goals and have fun doing so.

Friend Updates

I thought you may want some updates on some of my FMC Carswell friends. I'll start with Freckles. If you remember, Freckles was to finish RDAP and move to a halfway house by July 8th. She did graduate last week - yay!!!!! However, she finally received her HWH date and she isn't leaving until mid August. Another casualty of paperwork not being processed on time. She's keeping positive as always, but it's been a tough couple weeks. Like with what happened with me, somehow Freckle's name was put in the middle of some untrue gossip and it led to her dismissal from the department of education. She's an amazing tutor and it's sad that people can make stuff up and get people in trouble based solely on gossip. It gives her time to relax her last month there, so I guess not all is lost - and I know she will continue to tutor folks for free if they need it.

South, yes, I know, you haven't heard about South in a long time. Well, she's doing alright. Somehow, when she left Carswell, she learned that she had an additional six months home confinement. It is crazy that this was not known prior to her incarceration. She never should have been in prison, and now she continues to be under BOP custody. It ends in August. She's doing well, though. She is much healthier now that she has all her medications and can see her doctors.

Lola is doing well at the Carswell Camp. Her husband also made it through his heart surgery alright and is going back to work this week. Lola does not have as good a job at the camp, than she did at the FCI, but it's much more relaxed and she seems good.

Taz is seeking pen pals. She still has a couple years to go and she likes writing with folks. I imagine it would be hard doing time with no outside support or funds. She is also facing some unknown health issues and they say she needs immediate treatment, but have not yet told her for what...

Red is at home, working, and being a mom to her three kids. It took her about a month to find a job, but she was persistent and she did it! She plans to start classes at the state college and has many dreams and goals. I have no doubt she will reach them!

Mama is still trying to get transferred closer to home. The paperwork has been filed, so now it's a waiting game. Her parents are still fighting for custody of Mama's sons, whose father refused to return after a scheduled visitation many months ago. The judge seems to be on Mama's side and even the father seems to realize that raising two boys under 7 years old is a lot of work. Since he took the boys, Mama has not spoken with them once and she prays to hear their little voices again soon!

Danbury is not listed in the state incarceration database where she was fairly sure she would be after her release. I pray that means that she is home, close to her kids and her mom, and moving forward with her life. Somehow I believe our paths will cross at some point in the future.

It's important to never forget that there are decent people who are incarcerated. Most did commit a crime, but many are punished far beyond what would be reasonable - especially the women who find themselves at FMC Carswell. I'll do my best to make updates when I can.

I've written a lot over the last year, and once in a while I receive emails from folks asking me questions. I was thinking, I need to put it out to everyone. Do you have any questions you want me to answer or issues you want me to write about? You can leave a comment/ question anonymously (or not) at the end of this post. Also, if you have any particular favorite posts from this blog, I'd love to know which you have enjoyed or found insightful. Let's make this post a bit more interactive and I look forward to answering your questions and getting your ideas and favorites!

School Update

Last week, I had the opportunity to meet with a professor of criminal justice at my school. We talked about the possibility of my joining the department this fall. On Thursday, I received an email inviting me to apply, even though the official deadline was at the beginning of the year. He'd already talked with other faculty, and they will consider my late application due to extenuating circumstances.

However, initially, if admitted, I would not be a doctoral student, but a master's student in criminal justice. They only accept five doctoral students per year, and their incoming cohort was selected in December. The professor I met with came up with the idea of my applying to the master's program, taking doctoral level courses for this year, and applying into the doctoral program this fall, for fall 2015. Meanwhile, my first year courses would transfer into the doctoral program, so I won't be another year behind. I can also transfer in my credits from many of my education courses as electives.

I know what many may be thinking, why am I considering this switch from education to criminal justice? No answer is easy, but let me start with my past. When I attended law school, I knew I'd never want to practice criminal law - the system is just too flawed. Innocent people are locked up, guilty people go free, racial disparities are huge, and money buys freedom. I could never see myself advocating to find a loophole allowing a rapist to go free or prosecuting a person who I know will spend more time in prison just because of the color of his skin. Instead, I focused more on civil areas of law - employment and family law. 

I did assist a criminal law professor on an interesting research project. We looked at racial disparities for sentencing on similar amounts of crack cocaine. The findings were very telling of the racism within the judicial system. I also did a bit of criminal law research when I was working with an appellate level judge. Other than my own case, the only criminal law cases I ever stepped in a courtroom for was a teen's petty theft (friend's son) and a few traffic violations. 

In the early 2000's, I taught for six years at a college part-time. I mostly taught courses related to business law or for paralegals. However, I was asked to teach a couple criminal justice courses (intro to criminal justice and criminal law). While I never wanted to practice criminal law, I really enjoyed teaching it to college students considering a career in law enforcement. Maybe I could help them understand the ethics behind the choices they will make on the job.

Fast forward to my life over the past year, and I witnessed first hand how flawed our justice system continues to be. From the fact that people are threatened to take plea deals for far more than anything they actually did, to the treatment of inmates in prison, I knew that my future would somehow include connecting my passion for education and the need to advocate change within the criminal justice system. There needs to be more alternatives to imprisonment, and more programs to help people become healthy in mind, body, and spirit while paying the consequences of their prior actions. I want to be a part of the solution... I've always believed that you should never complain unless you are willing to try and change the situation. For me, I want to ensure that people, especially women, have a more humane experience through our criminal justice system. I, also, believe that education, as a preventive medium, as well as a way to combat recidivism is a way to bring my varied interests together.

So, over the next week, I will complete the application process. I struggled to identify my three references, but even though I am not asking anyone from my former department, I was able to ask three wonderful professionals, including two faculty I've worked with, who are more than happy to give me positive and supportive letters, despite their knowledge of my past. 

No matter how many may try to shame you, there are good people in this world that can see you for the person you are. Just keep doing the next right thing. Never give up on your dreams. You have to maintain hope.

I don't know if I will ultimately be accepted into my university's criminal justice program, but applying and putting my best self forward is the only way to find out. I know the Director of the department liked me (in fact, he wants to hire me on the side to tutor his son in algebra based on my sharing what my job was in prison!). No matter what, though, I found another open door (so far many more open doors than closed doors), and being open-minded, honest, and willing are taking me one step closer to getting back in school.

Independence Day

Officially, this is my 319th day from my self-surrender. The holiday and one day credit from the day of my arraignment, allowed my release day to be two days ago. It's officially Independence Day.

I thought I'd be more excited to celebrate this year, since I am no longer in BOP custody. Instead, I am thinking of my friends, locked behind the Carswell fence, and far from freedom. It always pissed me off a bit, at 8am every morning, hearing the Star-Spangled Banner playing out of the base speakers. Is this really the land of the free? I truly believe some people should be in prison, but I sit here and think about a friend, already inside for eight years, away from her three sons, for a conspiracy drug charge. She wasn't the ring leader, but mandatory minimums resulted in her kids growing up without a mother. I'm not an advocate for the legalization of drugs, I'm actually quite conservative when it comes  to issues around drugs, but I don't like how we criminalize it either. 

The drug industry exists for several reasons- one is addiction, and we shouldn't be criminalizing addiction. The other is because the demand in the U.S. outweighs the supply available. Drugs make money and we live in a capitalistic society. In some communities, the drug trade is the only answer out of poverty. It's a very sad reality, but true. My PO made it clear that I was a rare client - someone without a history of significant drug use.

I took a short break between writing the above and now writing... We drove to a parking lot in our town, parked, and we look up and there's fireworks going off in every direction I look, including straight up. This is a strange city for 4th of July. Instead of one big fireworks show, there are about 4-5 going off in every direction. It's like chaos in the sky. Plus, it's a state that allows people to do their own fireworks, so there are people setting off their own fireworks, too. We were driving down a main thoroughfare and a group set off a huge firework right in the middle of the center lane (three lane one-way road leading directly to downtown). Ummm, really???

As a kid, I was the child, under a bunch of blankets, crying at the noise set off by fireworks. I still don't enjoy the noise, but now it's like any other annoyingly loud noise. I do enjoy the beauty, though. I really love fireworks displays set off to music - those take my breath away. There's nothing like that here.

One cool thing I see in the sky, are these Chinese type lanterns with candles flying up into the clouds. I think they are selling them across the street. 

Okay, you can't really tell what that is, but it's a lantern flying up in the sky. I am imagining it to be a wish lantern and if it is, I hope thier wish comes true!

Once the official show started tonight, it was full of color. It reminds me of the night that Lola and I watched random fireworks above the FMC Carswell rec center. I think they are allowing the women to stay out an extra hour tonight and watch the fireworks set off by the military base. I know that just when the fireworks are getting good, it will be inmate recall and a big sigh will communally connect everyone for just a moment.

Here are some pics from tonight's fireworks:

Now, at 11pm, I am out at Denny's with Sporty, T.S., and T.S.' younger sister Hype (9 yrs old), and Hype's niece Minnie (2 1/2 yrs old). T.S. and Hype share a father and Hype's other sister is the mother of Minnie. Okay, no reason to go into their full family dynamics. What matters is that we don't define family entirely by blood, but by love. Anyway, we are at Denny's and they have a $2 menu, which is right up my alley. 

$2 pancakes at Denny's

I really didn't want to be eating after 8pm when I got home, but that hasn't worked so well. I'll have to work on it.

So, it wasn't a bad Independence Day. The fact that I'm out past eleven is what independence allows. In the end I had a good day. I'm thinking of my friends who are not so free, and also grateful that being incarcerated is behind me.

Happy Independence Day to all celebrating!

First Meeting with P.O.

I need to start by apologizing for not posting yesterday. By evening, I was really not feeling well and fell asleep in my clothes until morning (although I was woken a few times). I'm much better today, plus I was given the opportunity to start volunteering at my old job on campus, so today was a great day!!!

My first meeting with my PO went for 2 1/2 hours. He promised it would be the longest meeting we ever have. Here's pretty much what the meeting entailed...

The PO's office is in the downtown region of the smallish city I live in at a federal building. I walk in and I'm literally the only person in the entire entryway, except for three security officers. I'm immediately asked if I have any electronic devices - ummm, yeah, my cell phone. I'm told I cannot bring my phone into the building and I must go and put it in my car - along with any weapons I may be carrying. I say something like, "I almost took the bus here, it's a good thing I drove," which is followed up by them with, "yeah, it is..." So, if I took the bus, I wouldn't even be allowed to check the phone with security, I just would not be allowed in - period.

So, I go back to the expensive garage I had to park in, leave behind my phone (I don't have weapons...) and walk back in. This time, I go through the metal detector, which shows two 'hot spots' on my body - left hip and upper back. So, the only female guard wands me - it goes off on my zipper, my bra straps, and my bra closure. I think they have it all set a little too sensitive. After being pat down (I'm used to this), I am told to go up to the second floor and keep turning left.

I am the only one going up a grand staircase and on the second floor, the only person I see is another guard. This place is eerily quiet. If you wanted a good place for a haunted house, I think I found it. So, in the silent corridors, I turn left, left, and left and find myself at the federal probation office. It says, "come on in."

So, in my head, I had a picture of what a PO office would be like. Folding chairs set up in rows. Screaming children. Scary men with hating eyes. Okay, the DMV, only more chaotic and scarier. Instead, I walk in and it's empty. It is a small waiting room, with six cushiony chairs, a lamp, some brochures, and bullet-proof glass separating the waiting room from the administrative desk next to the door that leads to all the professional offices. With the box of tissue next to the table lamp, it looked exactly like a therapists waiting room. Once again, it was eerily quiet. The admin person was away from her desk, so I just sat down and comfortably waited in silence. I whispered the serenity prayer to myself.

My PO came out to introduce himself about ten minutes later. He has one of those names that is spelled a way that you think it's a common name, but in fact it's pronounced entirely different and you'd better not goof it up. He handed me an 80 question survey to assess my drug/alcohol abuse, mental state, and  thoughts about my acceptance of my crime. It's the kind of psychological survey that asks each question in three different ways to ensure honesty. I finished it in under five minutes.

The admin person showed up, opened the door, and asked if I was who I am. I guess they weren't expecting anyone else. This place was soooo empty - I mean, don't they have people that need to check-in? She explained she had been entering my information all morning into the computer - procrastination??

My PO brought me to his office. I discovered he has a law degree and he told me he's been working on all sides of the criminal process for a long time. He seems to like being a PO. He kind of made it clear that my educational/ professional background and my type of crime was not typical of the people he supervises on release. He said a lot of, "I guess I don't need to do [blah, blah, blah] with you..." It didn't stop him, though from being very tough on my restrictions on supervision.

Important to note, however, is that it is entirely possible to be released from supervision early. How does one do that? Follow ALL the rules, don't make them nervous about any behavior/ decisions, and always check in when you are supposed to. I have a goal of being off supervision by June 30, 2015. 

I had to do a drug urine test. A female PO watched me through one-way glass while I made a mess trying to catch enough liquid. I hate doing urine tests. I was embarrassed about the mess, and tried cleaning up the drips best I could. She said to not worry, they clean it up every night. Whew. 

My PO and I went through a lot of paperwork. There were forms I had to sign - like the fact that I'm prohibited from owning a gun or explosive device. I had no idea that some fireworks count as explosive devices under that rule and not only can't I do them, but no one around me can either. My PO said that a sparkler is the most advanced firework he would recommend.

It took a while going through all my rules and restrictions. He gave me a map of my state and showed me what constitutes my district. That is where I can freely travel. However, he is allowing me to the eastern side of the state for day-trips or quick outings. He may permit me to stay overnight on the eastern side for a GA conference coming up in August.

I am not allowed to travel anywhere else for 60 days. After that, I have to submit a travel authorization form at least 10 days prior to any trip I want to take. At least I no longer have to call in before/after every time I leave my house!!

I have to check-in once a month through a computer site. There's a report I will need to fill out each time. No matter what your crime was, the reporting is the same for everyone. The only other times I have to check in are when I'm needing to travel, I've had any police interaction, I'm called and told to come in, or my PO randomly stops by my home or work.

My PO is in support of my trying to get back in school. He knows that a job awaits me when I'm readmitted. So, for the next several weeks, my energy should go to that, and not finding an outside job. If I learn that I will not be back in school this August, I need to find a job and let the job on campus go. He gave me a bunch of job search forms to use as I apply for anything.

I have a form that needs to be signed at each GA meeting I attend. He needs proof that I'm as involved in GA as I claim. No problem. I told him about how Sporty and I started a new meeting for Friday nights. He said he may have some people to send to it (so much for not being around other felons -ha). As for that rule, I immediately got permission for Survivor and Hansome to be allowed contact with me, even though they have past felonies. When I explained how involved with GA these two are, he said he'd rather see me hanging with them, than people doing drugs who aren't felons. I hadn't realized that was the either/or scenario I must choose between.

My judge is also REQUIRING me to be in mental health treatment. My PO doesn't know why that is part of the judgment. So, he's sending me for an assessment at a catholic charities mental health center. I inquired on if it's a religious type of counseling, since I'm Jewish. He said that it's not religious, they are just the charity running it. I have to call for my intake within one week.

So, other general conditions of supervision include that I cannot commit another offense, I must allow them to collect my DNA anytime, I must support my dependents and meet family responsibilities, I must maintain a job unless given permission for school or other reasons, I have to give two weeks notice before moving or changing employment, no alcohol (it actually says no excessive use, but my PO wants me to refrain... fine with me!), I cannot be anywhere illegal activity is going on, I cannot be a special informant, and I must inform my employer about relevant information surrounding my felony (since I have a money crime, if I want to work at a bank, they must be notified... if I want to work at a bakery as a baker, they don't because it doesn't connect to the job duties...).

My judge added nine special conditions to my supervision, which my PO said is quite a lot and we agreed that she must've really disliked me. My PO will have access to all my bank accounts, tax records, and anything else financially-related I have. I cannot purchase or sell any assets without permission. I informed my PO about Hope and the fact that I may need to purchase a replacement scooter- he was okay with that. While it says that I cannot use any credit, get new credit, or loans, my PO thought it okay to reasonably use my existing credit and he'd okay necessary student loans. I am not allowed to gamble, nor frequent any place where gambling is occurring. I'm required to participate in a credit counseling program - although, my gambling debts are no more and within GA we believe in paying off our debts - not doing bankruptcy or working with a scamming debt consolidator. My PO agreed that the condition is a little out there and is checking with his supervisor on what we should do. So far, I like the reasonableness of my PO!

The big condition, of course, is my restitution. He started the conversation by saying he's seen people's restitution much, much higher than mine. Me, too - I know people who have millions due. While mine is not nearly like those, it's still a lot to come up with. The judge set my amount due at 10% or more of my income - no matter what my income is. So, if with my grad assistantship I am receiving $1200/mth - I would have to pay $120/mth. With a low income, 10% is a lot! Now, when I'm earning $3,000/mth in the future, and I owe $300/mth, at least I can live on $2700 minus taxes. My hope is to pay off my restitution faster than the 10% per month as I am able, so I can rid myself of the monthly payments.

So, that's what happened yesterday. Other than a contraband cell phone, urine dripped on the floor, setting off a metal detector, and a very expensive parking garage space, my 2 1/2 hours went pretty well. I hope my PO is able to see my seriousness in taking on these responsibilities, my acceptance of the situation, and my growth that helps me ensure that I am always trying to do the next right thing. I have no idea if my first PO meeting was typical, but it was okay. Okay, these days, is good!

The federal building was just as quiet as I made myself downstairs and back outside. Is it really possible that I was the only client visiting the entire building of offices yesterday afternoon? With budget shortfalls, maybe they are all on furlough... 

Last Day of Home Confinement

Of all my time in custody of the BOP, this last month went the fastest. I am suddenly on the cusp of my out date and the almost freedom that provides. I am so grateful that I've been allowed to spend this past month at home, surrounded by my loved ones. Even though my movements were limited, it was really a great month!

I was told yesterday that there is very little anyone can do for Hope. They no longer make the scooters, so parts are scarce. State Farm told me that they may need to "total" her. I guess I may be starting my almost freedom by purchasing a replacement scooter. I guess it's a time of new beginnings.

I also start work, well volunteering at my old job, this week on Thursday. I will be working about 20 hours per week doing both my old job and helping cover the work of a long term employee who recently had a stroke. They need me right now and I'm so happy to be able to be there, helping high school youth find their way to college. The youth specifically asked for me to do some diversity and acceptance exercises with them when they spend a week staying on campus. I did some of the exercises last year and they asked for me again. I have purpose!! When I used to run the summer camp I helped found, I did many of the same exercises with the teenage youth, and they always asked for it again the next year. I discovered that youth want a safe space to explore issues in an interactive, experiential way.

This leads me to where I am presently on my journey back into school. I have no definite inroad yet.  Today, I have a rescheduled meeting with a professor of a non-education based program. I'm always a little anxious telling my whole story, but I still tell all, as at this time I have to. I'm going to just spend some time with the serenity prayer before walking into the building.

While I haven't been as productive as I could have been these past several weeks, I feel as if I'm starting my almost freedom with some good possibilities in life. I also know that I need to keep my mind open to all possibilities that may be sent my way. There is good ahead for me, I just need to allow the journey to unfold.

I'm doing nothing particularly special to mark my last day of home confinement, but I am going out for a good dinner tomorrow night to celebrate my first day of almost freedom. That dinner will follow a 3-hour morning drive to go to/from my not a real HWH/RRC to pick up my end of custody paperwork (they couldn't give me it yesterday when I was there, only tomorrow), and my afternoon meeting with my probation officer (PO for now on). I've spoken to him once, but will meet him for the first time tomorrow. So my first day of almost freedom, won't feel so free at all. 

I'll think through some home confinement tips to share with you all and post them soon. I sincerely believe that we should be leaning on home confinement for non-violent offenders as a real answer to the prison overcrowdedness issue. Even if I had to wear a monitor, which I didn't, it would have been a much better option.

So, my last day of BOP custody. It had better be my last day EVER!! I know a lot of people violate probation/supervision, but I will walk a safe and narrow path. I have but one goal, full (not almost) freedom for the rest of my life.

A Daughter Writes

Many months ago, I wrote about a daughter who reached out to me about her mother who had just self-surrendered. They were readers of this blog and the daughter was worried about how her mom was doing. It took me a couple days, but I figured out who her mom was (she had the wash time just before mine) and I introduced myself. Turns out, she had Danbury's old bunk. Later, when I was moved upstairs, we were neighbors. Small world.

This past week, the world became even smaller for another reader of this blog. Once again, it was her daughter that reached out to me. She and her mom read this blog and she told me it helped them prepare for her mom's self-surrender. My heart sang when I read that. Well, she informs me that her mom was placed in MY old bunk. Out of 1800+ bunks in the facility, this new woman is given my bed!!

The daughter wrote me because her mom is having a difficult time adjusting. It was her first week there, and we all go through that. Here's a bit of what I answered:

"The advice I would give her includes:

1) make a couple friends - safe to usually start with other self surrenders, or people transferred there from a camp. They are also non violent and have many of the same issues dealing with medical. 

Tell her that she does not need to buy everything immediately and what she does buy, is for her only. Young folks and broke folks seek newbies to try and claim they are broke or hungry and take advantage of folks - especially older folks.

Keep her income no more than $300/mth. That way her frp will stay under $50. Tell her to transfer funds she isn't immediately using onto the phone, corlinks, and into her out account for saving. She can transfer corlinks and money in her out account back to her commissary account when she needs it. 

She should buy a radio, but the mp3 just sucks money... Go with the cheapest radio. Most often it's used for watching tv and the basic one actually has the best reception.

If your mom can physically, she should try to walk the track every day for some activity and stress relief. There's a wonderful woman who teaches yoga in the rec. The rec center has a lot of craft classes, too. Most important is finding things to stay busy.

Since your mom is still in her orientation period, she will hear about "sex" and std's a lot. They try to scare folks from being "gay for the stay." It will calm down when she's past her first two weeks.

Her room is her safest place, and unit 1 North is the safest regular housing unit; so hanging out in the atrium is fine. She will meet others by going and sitting with folks watching tv."

I, also, gave some names of friends there for her to seek out for friendship and advice. Those first weeks are the toughest. We are not yet gone long enough to have acclimated to such a different life. Medically, we are neglected as we fight for our medications, stand in the awful pill line, and wait hours/days to be seen in the clinic. From the very start, we try to do whatever we can to get medically cleared and transferred to a camp. Most wait over 6 months to be cleared and another several months for transfer approval. 

The entire experience can be very draining physically, emotionally, spiritually, and mentally. Plus we are given the horrible advice of not to cry. So, we try to hold in all our overwhelming emotions. It's truly a recipe for disaster. At some point, most of us break, and we have a good cry. Acceptance comes after that.

Getting to acceptance is really key to getting out of that initial funk. Those of us who self-surrender usually do not have more than months to several years on the inside. Living one day at a time, being your own advocate, trying to keep yourself as healthy as possibly, and keeping busy, will make the time pass.

It's hard in there, but you do not have to become "hard" to endure it. A good cry with friends will help relieve tension. Check out books and get lost in their stories. Write family and friends. Visit religious services, if you seek spiritual connection. Sign up for ACE classes. Take a daily walk. Make an appointment to visit the salon (Cosmo school). Sign up for hobby craft classes. Play games in the rec. Watch sports or join in at outdoor rec. Find employment. There are options to keep your days busy. The best thing is that days end early - 9pm rack up time. So, once dinner is over, you are nearly at the end of the day and you are one day closer to going home.

For those on the outside, send lots of cards/mail/books. A nice journal from Amazon is a great gift. Send crossword or word seek magazines. Subscribe your loved one to their favorite magazines - people, us, cosmo, newsweek, entertainment weekly, reader's digest, tv guide, even the national enquirer are commonly seen at mail call. Letting your incarcerated loved one know that they are loved and cared about is incredibly important. Remember, you are going through this experience too, even though you are not incarcerated.

Everyone adjusts at different amounts of time. For some it's weeks, others months. Sometimes our medical condition makes adjustment very difficult; sometimes there are family issues on the outside that make it hard. Remember that no one can solve all their problems at once, so try to tackle just one thing at a time.

One day, you will be walking the compound and you'll realize that you are halfway through your sentence, that you are able to smile and laugh, that you have incredible friendships, and that you are stronger than you realized. It may be a brief moment, but it will happen. Try to make a list of things you are grateful for at the end of each day. In the morning, read that list before you start your day. You will survive this experience!

I hope the woman who sleeps on my old bunk feels some positive energy left by me. I pray she finds some comfort and that people are kind to her. I hope her medical issues are adequately addressed and she finds healthy ways to deal with the bureaucracy.  While each day feels like a week, each week a month, each month a year, when you look back, you will realize those days, weeks, and months add up and, soon, you will be planning for home.

Thank you to the daughters who love their moms enough to help them through this experience. It is not easy on anyone, but knowing that someone cares enough to reach out for you usually goes on top of that daily grateful list!

Recovering Hope

When I was deciding which university to attend for my doctoral program, I was very specific about the location. I did not want an urban campus. I did not want to have to live too far away from campus. I wanted to ensure that I could use a fun and cute motor scooter as my transportation to/from campus on warmer days. Before I selected my campus, I'd selected my preferred transportation.

The school I selected was definitely the right fit in many ways. It, also, was the perfect school to ride around on a motor scooter. Within a month of moving to the area about 6 miles from campus, I went in search of my future scooter. I was thinking Vespa. They are just so darn cute!!

Instead, next to the Vespas in the showroom were two smaller, less expensive, scooters bearing the name Schwinn. One was tan and white, the other pink and white. The pink one was called a "hope 50." I fell in love. Not only was she the cutest scooter in the shop, but a percentage of her sale would be donated to breast cancer research. She was also a bit closer to the ground - and at 5' tall, I liked the fact that my toes on both of my feet could touch the ground at the same time. We were meant to be together. 

After spending a couple days looking up reviews to ensure I wasn't investing in a lemon, I proudly purchased my scooter. I rode around town with my 50cc bike, knowing I was allowed to park at bike racks, and getting over 100 miles to the gallon. Over winter, I would store her. I treated her well, and she treated me well - always making it to the gas pump just before officially running out.

It was the day I brought the scooter home, that I realized I would name her Hope. I don't usually name my vehicles, or give them a personality, but there was something special about this scooter. I was embarking on a new life and that is when I not only named my scooter Hope, but the word hope became my mantra.

Two years ago, in Vietnam, I purchased the perfect pink helmet with white stars on the sides. Scooters are the primary transportation to the families in Vietnam, and they sold really cool accessories. I would not leave the country without a helmet - which cost me the equivalent of about $8 U.S.

While I was in Texas, Joy stored Hope for me in her garage. I knew I'd be coming home to my cute bike and once off home confinement, I'd be able to don my helmet and take her for a nice ride. Just two days ago, I told someone that the first thing I would do Wednesday, is take Hope for a spin. Sporty picked her up from Joy a couple weeks ago, and she is parked on the sidewalk just outside our door.

So, you can imagine my reaction at 12:00pm today, when Sporty announced, "Hope is gone!" I thought she was playing with me. I went to the door, and she really was gone. She'd been stolen. She was locked to the side, so she was either lifted by very strong people or they jacked the ignition and broke the handlebar lock. Didn't matter though. Someone had my bike.

Immediately, I called the police and my insurance company. I had made sure I had comprehensive coverage for Hope, so she was covered in case of loss. The cop was very nice who came to take the report. I said that since I was having "police interaction," I needed to inform him that I was on home confinement. He didn't even blink and said, "no worries."

The officer told me that scooters are constantly stolen and they usually turn up - minus some parts. A bike like mine, though, he was sure would turn up, because it was one of a kind in this area. Plus, if they were wearing the pink Vietnamese helmet, that would be a definite sign. After dealing with the officer and my insurance company, I just sat and felt defeated. 

It was an hour later when I got the call that Hope had been recovered. Actually, she was recovered prior to my police report. Here's the details:

Hope Update: a male was seen by police riding a pink and white motor scooter at 3am. He dropped the bike and ran. The police thought it odd to see a tall male riding a short pink scooter. The scooter, proudly named "Hope" was brought to an impound lot. Hope's ignition and front cover are busted. Her Vietnamese helmet was still intact in the seat. She could not be started. A small scooter shop picked her up and she will be in the scooter hospital, awaiting State Farm examiners to appraise her condition. The owner looks forward to once again riding the streets of her town with Hope in the near future.

I guess there's irony here, I mean here I am a felon and I'm feeling the victim of a crime- a petty theft in reality. Life is not all black and white- there's so much grey in the middle. The guy riding my bike was not caught - he'd dropped my scooter to the road and ran from the scene. I won't know why he stole it. Is he part of a group that sells parts? Was he doing a prank? Did he need to money he'd earn to feed his kids? Was he just a kid? Did he have help? Where was he taking her? 

I'll never have all the answers. I'm just glad to know that hope has been recovered. I'm not sure if the insurance company will deem her too expensive to fix, and instead total her. I know electrically she can be fixed, but the damage to her body is extensive - especially the front hood, by the gas cap, and the side of the bike that went down in the road.

I guess it doesn't matter. I don't need this specific scooter to give me the hope I have. She brought the word into my life, and now it's my duty to keep restoring hope. Even feeling the violation of my favorite object being stolen and perhaps gone from my life forever, could not take away my hope. If I've learned anything over the last six years, it's that people matter so much more than objects. They can be replaced.

Background Check

It was the first time I had to answer that question in the positive, "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" It was on the form I had to fill out to start volunteering at my old job on campus. The plan is for me to volunteer through summer and once I am accepted back in for this fall (if I put it out to the universe will it make it true?) they want to rehire me as their graduate research assistant again. This is how we doctoral students pay for school and get paid - it covers all my tuition, health insurance, and gives me a living stipend. Even though my old job knows all about my conviction and prison time, they really want me back :-)

So, we decided to start with my volunteering part-time as I work to get myself back into school.

So, first, the Assoc. Provost who funds the program had to approve my volunteering/working there. I mentioned before that he has close ties to my old department and former advisor, however he's an independent thinker and knows of my work from several projects I've been involved with on campus. He told my former boss that he trusts her decision on whether I can work there. The next step, though, was passing the human resources background check.

All hires have to have a background check. Also, since this organization specifically works with youth (we help them get successfully through high school and into college), volunteers have to have their background checked too. When I got to the question about having a felony, I put the piece of paper down for a moment. After the question it says, "having a felony does not automatically preclude you from being considered for a position..." Yet, I was still nervous. I would have to mark, "yes," and then write a couple sentences explaining the charges, etc.

I turned the form in on Monday, and since I hadn't heard anything yet, I tried my best to just keep an open mind. No news really can be good news sometimes. Well, this afternoon I received a call from the organization and I was approved. I passed the background check, even with a felony that's not very old. I mean, according to the BOP, I'm still in custody.

So, I'll start volunteering the 3rd, the day after I'm officially off home confinement. One staff member recently had a stroke, so I'll be helping with her job, as well as my old job. I won't be getting paid, yet, but I can't think of a better use of my time and energy. The youth are all on campus over the summer taking classes as part of the program, so I'll be able to be around all that youthful energy. 

In the meantime, it was time for me to consider how else I may make a living, whether I get back in school or not. I decided to submit a couple applications for part-time jobs at the local community college. Once again, that question came up in each application. I know what I have to say, so I answered, "yes," and explained the circumstances. I don't know if it will affect their consideration of me or not. I can't worry about that. I just have to keep knocking on doors.

Since the first door I knocked on was open, I can tell you that we are capable of finding work with that big F on our foreheads. We must be honest, humble, and grateful. We must take responsibility for our pasts. 

Now, I hope this advice will help me through a meeting I have with another department on campus I may apply to as a student... More than one door may be open!

Blogging

This morning I decided to go through my email to see what messages I received while I was incarcerated. I had no idea that I'd received so many emails and comments! Thank you for all your support and for reading this whirlwind of thoughts and observations.

I don't know why it took me so long to read through all the comments. Well, I guess I do. I was not looking forward to reading more comments like from the blog entry about heroes falling I read when I first got out a couple weeks ago. Truth is, that's the only entry that had such hateful and judgmental comments. I feel so much joy, now, knowing that others have found my blog insightful, helpful, and interesting. Writing it has made this whole last year have direction and purpose.

I'm not going to say that I particularly like all the blog entries or that I'm a great writer. However, the ability to reflect openly about experiences is incredibly healing. I had a childhood that was about secrets and hiding. It took recovery for me to realize that all the secrets caused me to become emotionally stunted. Having a blog like this is quite the opposite, I can share the good, the bad, and the ugly. We say in the program, "we are only as sick as our secrets," and I thank god every day that I no longer harbor secrets and the fear of truth.

As time goes forward with this blog, I will share more about the life struggles that led to my addiction and crime. Perhaps a reader will identify with some of the experiences and they will be able to get the help they need before finding themselves at the brink of suicide and self-hatred. The focus of this blog though, will remain on the present and my life now that I have a large "F" for felon symbolically written across my forehead.

Please know that now that I'm home, I welcome comments and questions on this blog or through the link to email me (contact link on right panel). I will do my best to respond to any questions as soon as possible. Also, please feel free to suggest topics you'd like to see appear here. I'm never really at a loss of things to write about, but I want to ensure this blog stays interesting to the readers.

I am so blessed that so many people have found this blog and choose to keep coming back. There are readers from literally around the world - Europe, Asia, South America, etc. When I was leaving to self-surrender, Cache and I were so excited that I had nearly 5,000 hits on this site. Now, we are nearing 50,000. 

So, thank you to all of you! You've helped me through a difficult life experience and given me the strength to keep my hopes alive. I can not imagine life without writing, so you are all stuck with me for the long haul!

Cleaning House

I still need to organize my room. I still have boxes of I don't know what packed in storage. I still have the stuff I shipped home from Carswell in the box. Three weeks home and I've done almost nothing on making my space feel like home. Maybe I'm stuck in a rut.

Best way to get out of a rut?? Make a goal, a reasonable one, and stick with it. For me, that means putting each step into my calendar for the day I am to do it. By the end of July 4th weekend, I will have my room set up how I want it, my things put in their respective places, and all necessary things unpacked (some boxes are just going to stay in storage for a while... three people living in a not-so-big townhouse). This gives me a week to accomplish these tasks. Maybe all I need is to know I'm off home confinement to really get moving.

Today, we have a house cleaner doing some deep cleaning. That will be good motivation for me to get my stuff organized. In fact, I already started, as I needed to clean up for the cleaning lady (isn't that an oxymoron?). I believe a house cleaner should spend their time doing deep cleaning, not moving piles of stuff around to be able to dust.

So, I look forward to accomplishing my home goals. I have a lot to look forward to when I'm off home confinement, I certainly don't want to come home to an unorganized mess. Maybe I should stop this blog post and unpack that box over there...

Never Forget

A lot of people make an active choice to try to forget their time in prison. They are so emotionally wounded from the experience that they prefer to not talk about it, stay away from media that would remind them of it, and put their experience as far away from their thoughts as they can. I get it. Why relive a nightmare over and over again? We need to live in the present, not the past. I really do understand.

I make a different choice, however. I choose to never forget. It would be so easy to enjoy the comforts of home, ignoring that so many are still there struggling... Ignoring the fact that we have a broken justice system (not that it ever worked "right"). I can't do that, though. I believe that I'm meant to have every experience I have, in order to use that knowledge for good, for change, for helping others. I went to prison to pay for my wrongdoings, but I also went to be a voice for prison reform. I witnessed far too many things that were horribly wrong, for me to sit back and do nothing.

Things have gotten even worse at Carswell since I've been home. The prison is so overcrowded, that they turned a unit TV room into another bus stop, housing a dozen more people. People are packed in like sardines, and the failure to provide a safe environment becomes impossible. My unit that once had about 250 people, now houses 310. Sixty more people, yet the resources are not expanded to accommodate them. 

Friends are still there who are past their community program dates. Even Freckles, who is two weeks from her promised HWH date, has no confirmation or travel arrangements. Others are still being forced to max out, like My Bunkie who should have been processed for community programs back in December. She doesn't even have any medical issues!

Fights and drug smuggling/dealing have increased in number, and people are being released from the SHU early, because there are not enough beds to house everyone. Laundry doesn't have enough uniforms or pillows to accommodate newbies, so they don't get their few items guaranteed by the prison. People are serving sentences for non-violent crimes that are more than double those with violent pasts. Inmates continue to be treated like cattle, rather than people.

Worse of all, people are dying. MRSA is allowed to spread throughout the body before being properly treated. People sit on blue benches for hours, begging to be seen at the clinic, only to be told they'll be put on call-out which never happens. People wait in 3 hour lines, missing their meals, in order to get the medication they need. Treatment for cancers and other serious illnesses are held up for months, while the illness spreads and gets worse, sometimes to the point of no longer being treatable. Necessary medications are withheld, because the prison doesn't want to bare the cost. While I was at Carswell for just over nine months, I witnessed the death of nearly a dozen inmates, half of which for things that I believe were improperly treated, or not treated at all. One unnecessary death is one to many!!

So, no, I will not just close my eyes to the injustice of treatment in our prison system. The vast majority of people are locked up for non-violent crimes (at least in the women's prisons). They are not all bad people, they made mistakes and perhaps some deserve to go to prison, but they are still people and equally deserve humanity. I knew our justice system was broken before I witnessed it first hand. Now, I must be a part of the solution.

I do not know what my future holds and in what ways my voice will be heard. I do know, though, that I have a voice and I must use it. I did my time, and got through it alright (albeit with a little PTSD).  However, I will only be able to truly be comfortable with my freedom, if I am doing what I can to help those still on the inside. I will not forget!

Writing My Personal Statement

I was never a procrastinator. I always tried to be on top of all my work, giving me buffer time just in case. Since being on home confinement, though, I find myself staring at things to be done and feeling overwhelmed at the task. It's getting better, though, as I accomplished many things this past weekend.

One item on my "to-do" list has been my Personal Statement for readmission to my school - albeit a different education department. I met with a professor last week and she asked me to send my statement to her, but I kept stumbling over what to say, how much information on my past and imprisonment needed to be included, and emphasizing why this new department is such a good fit for me, when I was excelling in my old department. No doctoral program wants a student that does not really want their program. I was already working with them, I just need to be able to explain so much in a concise and well written statement.

Normally, addiction recovery and incarceration are not items I would encourage anyone to emphasize in their applications to graduate schools. However, given as my admission was revoked, I need to explain my situation and provide enough details that the faculty can understand. It is fairly unique.

I wanted to send off my information to the department by last Friday, but I just couldn't quite get my head around how to write the letter. This is not an uncommon experience, as I often ponder on what I will write before tackling a new writing project. This allows my thoughts to be more honed and the writing process to go easier.

It is also not uncommon for me to find myself awake in the middle of the night, having much of what I want to write written in my head. Such was true last night, where at 3am, I started typing my personal statement on my phone (yes, paper and a pen would have been a better option, but that would have entailed turning on a light, finding paper and a writing utensil, and disturbing Superdog who was asleep on my floor). 

So, I finger typed and finger typed a full statement. I did not make the mistake of immediately sending it off. It desperately needs editing and rearranging. However, it is all there on paper (well, the smartphone screen). The details of my past and incarceration, and yet it focuses on hope and goals and my love of education. I do not know what will happen as I continue my quest to be readmitted to the university and the college of education, but I do know that it's far better to face this all head on, regardless of the outcome.

Once the letter was completed, I sent it off for comments from Survivor and Sporty and I attempted sleep. Ring, ring... 5am and the RRC was checking to make sure I was home. They have the weirdest timing! Where would I be at 5am? Well, I suppose I was out at 5am plenty during my gambling binges...

Anyway, I was able to sneak in about two hours of sleep last night, before having to wake and drive the 3 hour morning trip to/from my RRC. It literally took 4 minutes today to have my breath analyzed (still no alcohol) and fill out the form. No meeting with my CW today. Such a waste of gas.

Tonight, I will finish editing my personal statement and email it off to the professor with a copy of my CV (curriculum vitae). I'll apologize that it took me a couple days to complete her request, and thank her for meeting with me and considering my request for admission. Then, I'll go and get a good night's sleep, as I know she's sending off the materials to other faculty in her department. I need to give them the procrastination time they need to consider my application. I can only hope one of them finds themselves awake in the middle of the night, thinking about how I would make a valuable addition to their  academic department.

Tweeting

I've been in love with technology since I was a kid. My father built our first computer and I would teach everyone how to use it. Things were so simple back then... Excitement was watching a curser (called a turtle) draw lines and make cool objects on a program called "Logo." I'm aging myself here!

I've done my best to stay up to date on technology and software. However, the social media craze came on super fast and I missed the MySpace bandwagon. I joined Facebook later than many of my peers (although I've more than made up for it in updates and photos).  I now have Instagram, YouTube, LinkedIn and blogger as well. However, I never quite understood the Twitter craze and why tweeting was such a wonderful way to connect.

I was wrong. I started a @DFHazel twitter account yesterday, and in just one day, I've connected with numerous people from both the recovery and prison reform worlds. This blog has been visited by new people, and I've found great blogs by others. I'm already making possible friendly and/or professional connections. I get it now...

I've said from the beginning that my story is neither special nor unique. It's great to connect with others whose stories are similar and different from my own. Social media offers us a way to make new networks for collaboration, sharing, connecting, and fun.

I'm planning on making twitter a new daily connection for myself to the world. Feel free to follow me at @DFHazel - I may choose to follow you back as well. There's so much to learn about people.

My next feat will be to build a DFHazel website. It'll be a place to share resources I developed while away, relevant news, and other valuable information... Stay tuned for that to happen in the near future!

A NutriBullet

Sporty and T.S. brought home a NutriBullet today. If you are not familiar with this gizmo, it is a pulverizing blender used to make juices and liquid meals. Throw in spinach, kale, cucumbers, berries, peanut butter, yogurt, protein powder, ice, carrots, corn, milk, water, pineapple, coconut milk, well, not all these things at one time, but choose like 4-6 items, pulverize, and drink. I tried one with berries, pineapple, milk, and ice. It was good, but lacked sweetness somehow. Back to the drawing board.

I'm sure we will use this new toy over time. A smoothy in place of a meal can be a healthy choice. I know one woman who juiced for nearly 4 months and lost a ton of weight. She used kale as a base and every juice was green. Guess you can get used to anything!

It's really amazing the technology we have these days, and how little of it is offered in our prisons. There are so many women at Carswell who could barely chew food, how great it would be to offer them a quick nutritious meal in a cup! Big problem is that the ingredients are nearly impossible to get in the Feds - no berries, no kale or spinach, no cucumbers, no fresh carrots, no pineapple, no yogurt, etc. The only possible smoothies would include apples, oranges, and milk (and bananas on Wednesdays and Fridays). It's a miracle we can maintain any health in prison, with so few nutrients being served.

My friends and I started to notice that we were bruising super easy over the last several months. The lack of nutrients were also showing on our nails and in our eyes. I'd get a bruise and wouldn't heal from it for weeks.

Just two weeks home and my nails are healthy and I don't have a single bruise on my body. Eating normal has already improved my nutrition big time. It's just crazy to think how unhealthy people get from having to spend years on the prison diet!

I wish I could send my friends a nutribullet and the ingredients they need to have a healthier diet. Granted, everything would probably be sold for 10x cost on the underground market, but it would be so nice to see people healthier while incarcerated. Even without the bullet, it would be nice to see more nutritious food offered, period!

Tomorrow, I'm going to make a chocolate, banana and peanut butter smoothy. Something tells me that it won't be my most nutritious option. But, it should taste damn good!!!