And she passed...

I was the last one who spoke to her. I had called her and told her I loved her and to sleep peacefully. She didn't make it through her first night. I'm glad my grandma suffered little if any pain. I learned of her passing during my staff meeting this morning and I stepped out to call my parents and start to figure out arrangements.

I still could not reach my PO. At least this time, his voicemail was not full, so I was able to get his emergency cell number, but he didn't answer that. No one answered the general office line either. I was asked to pick up my aunt and uncle on the way home, so getting in touch with my PO became that much more urgent. Funeral will be Monday, but I need the weekend to put together a beautiful long montage (and find/scan the pictures), and my aunt/uncle need to be in town to be with family (as I do as well).

The montage will give me a nice purpose and gift to my mom, aunt, and uncle. I happen to have vhs tapes of my grandmas wedding (not sure what kind of camera my great grandpa used 68 years ago to film it), honeymoon, some of the childhoods of my mom, aunt, and uncle, old family picnics, and more. I'm currently digitizing them to my computer so I can take clips of my grandma from them to include with pictures in the montage. Some of the videos I don't think anyone even knows about and I don't even know how I got them! I'm going to separately surprise my mom, aunt, and uncle with a copy of the full videos of the childhood one because I know they don't know it exists!

Anyway, none of this matters if I couldn't get permission to go, so I got resourceful and called the regional office. I explained the situation and they gave me the office assistant's direct line here where I go. Voicemail. So, I tried my officer's office one more time. 

He answered!!! I apologized for stalking him and he said he was going to get back to me... About my vacation requests... He hadn't even listened to any of my messages yet!! I explained that I was calling because my grandmother passed away and I needed permission to pick up my aunt/uncle and leave the state for four nights... La la la...

He heard me out. He told me that I can let me mom know not to stress because he will grant me the trip but I needed to go into the office this afternoon. No problem. I went into the office at 2pm. I didn't leave til 3:15. We talked the entire time.

I had to do a vacation request for the trip and I will need to bring back a program from the funeral - I guess people lie about such things. He also granted me permission to attend my friends' wedding reception in November and when I explained the invite was done by evite, he logged into my evite to see it before he granted the permission. 

He was much more reluctant to grant permission for the trip to see my father in December due to the length of trip, modes of transportation, and short time I've been on supervision. I had to promise to stop at another parole office while there and attend at least one GA meeting at each city we vist (we would do that anyway!). Hoops, but that's okay! Permission granted.

She was not only a great grandma though - she was one heck of a great person!!!

When I Feel Limited

Tonight, I officially feel like I'm in custody again. I received one of those calls you never want to receive. My grandma is ill. She has Alzheimer's and we've slowly watched her deterioration over the last 6+ years. For some families, it can be 20+ years. I guess we can be seen as lucky in that regard, although we certainly do not feel lucky. The person my grandma once was is no longer there. She kinda looks like the same person, but she recognizes no one and remembers nothing. She doesn't even remember what foods she enjoys. When I saw her last week, she was still laughing and talking, but she was forgetting how to walk. I told her I love her and she told me she loved me, but I knew that she didn't know who I was. She was always a great actress. I do love her, though.

My grandma was officially put on hospice tonight. It won't be long. My mother told me to come in as soon as I can. I will. If I can. I've left two messages about unrelated things for my P.O. in the last week. I haven't heard back. I dropped off two documents for my P.O. yesterday, he wasn't in. I tried calling my P.O. tonight when I got the news, his voicemail is full and I couldn't leave a message. I couldn't even hear his message where he leaves the "emergency" number, because it is full. Tomorrow, I will have to search for another number to the local office somewhere on the web. I hope it's not too hidden. It seems my P.O. may be on vacation or something.

I can't go to my grandma if I don't get permission. Also, there's always the possibility that since she's likely to pass quickly, my P.O. may limit how long I can go and I will only be able to go in for the funeral. Since we are Jewish, there's the sitting shiva piece... our funerals don't last just one day... I wonder if my P.O. has ever had a Jew on his caseload... something tells me that given where we are located and the low percentage of Jewish people in federal custody, it's not very likely. We shall see what is and what is not permitted. I know my P.O. does not distrust me and I know he has a heart, but he follows protocol. I have no idea of the protocol if he's not in town or off.

I want to be there specifically to relieve some of the tension from my mom and step-dad. I don't want my grandma at the hospital alone and confused as she is going through this. My parents have a lot to do and they also have to work as they will only get some time off for the funeral. I have the weekend off, they do not. I can study there. This is what we do for family and it's one of the reasons I chose to go to school within a couple hours drive of where my family lives.

Wouldn't you know it, though, that this all happened on the day that Sporty and I started our elimination diet. All day we've been eating nothing but limited fruits, limited vegetables, some tuna for lunch, etc. No caffeine, no beef/no chicken/no pork, no beans, no gluten, no grains for me, no nightshade veggies, no to so many foods... and now, instead of completing my two weeks of this elimination diet and then slowly reintroducing foods, I'm going to be traveling and back with my family which means - we need to put this elimination diet on hold. Our headaches and other effects of getting through day 1 will have to happen all over again in a couple weeks when we start all over again. In honor of my grandma, though, I'll keep with her tradition. She always said to avoid "white foods." Those were her words on how she always stayed so thin. She said, "I never put anything white in my mouth." Ha, she cracks me up. I look forward to seeing her soon and telling her one more time, "I love you!"

My Secret Wish

I haven't mentioned this here before. The timing never seemed quite right. I mean, how does one admit that despite all their troubles in the world, they still hope to be called, "mommy," some day? Back on Mother's Day, I wrote about three amazing children I co-parented for a couple years prior to my gambling recovery and who were never mine legally. Walking away from them broke my heart into a million pieces. T.S. has been a wonderful light as a "step" daughter through the past six years. 

I've always wanted to adopt, though, especially out of foster care. I've always wanted to make a forever family with a child who never knew what a parent's love could really be like. Due to my need to have a hysterectomy at 35, I can't have my own, and honestly there are so many kids being raised in foster homes, so that's the direction I want to go.

The big question is, though, am I allowed to adopt? I don't mean just now, during supervision, but even after, as a felon? My crime had nothing to do with children, but an extensive background check is done. I've read the laws and I can only see that they do the background check, not the exact offenses that would disqualify me. In some states, it seems any felony would disqualify an offender. 

I think it's crazy, because if I happened to have a uterus, and I got pregnant, I'd be allowed to raise my child. However, since I can only adopt, I may not be allowed to.  Obviously, I agree that some crimes should keep people from adopting - as we need to protect the children. Any crimes against children or sex crimes of any type at the very least - perhaps also any domestic violence... 

I'm a firm believer in second chances, though. In this case, we aren't only talking about a second chance for me, but also for a child who may be able to have a forever family with me. I've been permitted to work at an organization that helps at risk youth, I have a history of working with youth, I pray that in the future I will also finally have a home full of my own youth!

Car Dealers

Yesterday, I had the privilege of taking a new friend who recently moved here from Africa, used car shopping. He's perfectly capable of buying a car on his own. He's well-spoken, intelligent, in his 40's, and certainly commands more initial don't screw with me power than I would in the situation. As we all know, women are not usually respected by most car salesmen... They talk directly to the males!

As my friend is new to the country, though, and really did not want to be taken advantage of, he was smart to ask someone to come along with him and I was better at negotiating on his behalf than I ever thought I would be. It actually can be fun helping someone else choose a car! Used car salesmen, on the other hand, are not all that much fun.

With Sporty along, who truly was the the expert among us, we looked at several lots and many, many vehicles. My friend was very quiet, asking questions where appropriate and really allowing me to take the lead on negotiations. We found some decent cars, even were given some decent offers within the price range, but it wasn't until we found a Honda van that my friend seemed close to ready to really want to talk numbers. Before we could, though, he needed to show the van to his wife.

Here's where this story gets interesting for me. Honda let us just take the van to where my friend lives to show it to his wife and kids. You know how the dealer usually joins you for a test drive? Not at this place. We did the test drive without the dealer too. At one point I said, "we're going to take the van to Disney World," and the dealer said, "see you in a couple months."

Okay, we didn't go to Disney. We took a test drive. Later, we brought it to where he lives so his wife could see it and get her own test drive. She liked it. Other than a copy of my friends I.D., Honda had no other information on us, not even our phone numbers. Never in all my life have I been given the keys to a car and just told to return it later.

I suppose we look innocent enough and the van isn't a new car. Here's the thing though, I'm a felon on supervision. I can't believe there's a Honda dealership that wouldn't even require someone to leave something behind if they are taking a car without a salesman with them. They were right that they could trust us, I may be a felon, but I have no intention of ever commuting another crime again in my life. I do not think like a criminal or want things the way a criminal does - I prefer to earn them.

We returned the van and my friend will work on his financing tomorrow. It's a good investment for him and his family. It felt good to spend the day helping him and, as Sporty put it to me, I'd hope someone would do something similar for me if I needed that kind of help in another country. 

One more positive came out of it, the guy at Honda offered me a job. Actually I'm sure he was joking, but he said it numerous times. He also said that I am a very talented negotiator. Yeah, I was pretty hardcore in negotiating - even if I am a female!!

A Kindred Spirit

My new CJ friend sent me a PDF of a book chapter that she thought I may like. She said my story reminded me of the author of on of the non-fiction stories. His name is Charles M Terry and he spent his young years addicted to drugs and in/out of state prisons. When he was a bit older, he caught a longer sentence in Oregon and finally got himself clean and found an outlet in education.

After release from prison, he started at community college and eventually went all the way to his doctoral degree in the social sciences. For a while he worked at University of Michigan - Flint campus, later, University of California - Irvine. I could find one book written by him and a journal article, but nothing recent. I can find no mention of him in the last six years.

Early on in this blog, I had found an article about a professor in Texas who also obtained his PHD after prison. I've actually reached out to him and told him that his story provided me hope. Perhaps one day I can ask him how he gets around certain restrictions on research we have due to being felons. The things no one else would ever have to consider who has perfectly clean background checks.

We need to fill the walls of prison education rooms with stories of men like these two guys. Not that every person needs to get their PhD, but that prison and naysayers didn't stop them. Perhaps some day I could do a study of academics with criminal pasts and find some basic ideals - mentoring, hope, determination, ... Who knows what the big characteristics may be. I'd love to hear more stories. Their stories give me even more hope!!!

As for my sentencing guidelines presentation, well, to be honest, we rocked the house! It went really well and I was so proud of the group I worked with, our hard work, our growth of knowledge, and our ability to actually impress our professor. So glad that's now behind me, but I do have lots of thoughts about sentencing guidelines if anyone is ever in the mood for a soap box speech --- what???? No takers???? Okay, goodnight then.

Whoa... What Happened?

Wow, almost a week since I've written and it was not intentional. I'm trying to think to my life pre-incarceration and I can honestly say that I may be in the same town and at the same University, but my day to day reality is so different. 

I know that I wrote before about time management, but it's more than that, this shift in curriculum focus is a huge change in how my courses are structured, work loads, types of assignments, and time commitments. Although my job is the same, we are all helping pull the ranks for a fellow colleague who is still recovering from a stroke earlier this year. It feels great to be busy and needed, but I'm finding little time for taking care of myself and ensuring balance.

As the weeks have now passed into nearly half the first semester behind me, I'm finding my niche in the criminal justice department. I really respect my cohort of fellow students and enjoy the discourse a lot. It's quite different from the conversations I was having around education, and I do hope to find my way to bring all my knowledge and interests together, but I'm feeling completely engaged in the discipline of criminal justice and motivated for a future where my work may be able to influence policy change and add to the dearth of knowledge surrounding women and crime. 

In some ways my life feels so normal now, that I nearly forget that I am still not free. I cannot consider opportunities for the summer that would take me out of state for an extended period or the country at all. I cannot do some types of qualitative research studies, at least for now, because I am not allowed to knowingly interact with another felon. I cannot attend a large conference in Canada, ever, unless I am given special permission from the Canadian government after I am off supervision. 

Aside from the professional limitations, there remain the personal ones. A friend is holding a wedding reception next month and I need permission to leave the state to drive there to attend. My dad is going through his third round of chemo and radiation, as his cancer has now spread to his hip, and I need to get permission to fly to the southwest United States to see him in December. I was not able to drive four hours to watch my 96 year old grandfather throw a pitch to his favorite major league sports team on his birthday (70 other family members were there). I always need enough advance notice to get permission. It's not a big deal, but how many more years does he have?

Supervision isn't bad, though. At least so far, I've had it really easy. Other than day one, I haven't had to pee in any cups, provide any other bodily samples, done any squats and coughs, worn any uniforms, been denied anything unreasonably, had any surprise visits, been harshly questioned about my choices since release, or disrespected. What a difference from life in the BOP! 

I'm still told to walk in front of my PO, in case I have bad intentions (I don't); to stand against the wall as he makes copies (like a good soldier); and I am never treated like a peer. In his office I sit far from his desk with the back of the chair against the back wall. I address him with proper manner. I am not given authority to email my PO, only leave messages on his cell. And although each day for three months has been good, I know that things can change in a heartbeat and it is entirely outside my control. That is the reality of not truly being free and being under federal supervision.

In other news, I chose to tell a fellow CJ student about my past. She and I are on two group projects together and are forming a friendship. As I've written before, I hate talking around subjects or feeling as if I have some big secret life - that's the old me. Anyway, she took it really well, once the shock left her face and her jaw lifted from the table after I started with, "I have something to tell you. I am a felon."

I knew she'd be cool and she even looked at some of my pics of me with folks back at Carswell. People are always surprised that we take pictures. Those $1 photos that take us months to receive with fancy backdrops and we can't touch one another but can pose "appropriately" pictures... As we always said in there, "you just can't make this shit up!"

My friend agreed that I should wait til later in the semester and tell my story to my prosem theory CJ class when I do a more detailed intro of myself that we all have to do during the semester. I wish I could video everyone's jaws dropping as her's did. A bunch of people studying criminal justice with all these preconceived ideas of what and who a felon is... She is me.

I'm letting you down...

It's 4am am I just got home from my school library... It's been that insane for days!!! I'm so sorry I haven't written. I will soon... Much to share... Miss writing here and to all of you out there!

Home Sweet Almost Home

It used to be that when I visited my hometown, I automatically felt like that was home. Now, it's the people that make it home much more so than the places. Spending the night with my folks consisted of small conversation and watching an episode of NCIS New Orleans off their DVR. They weren't on their devices playing Words with Friends, I guess that's an improvement!

Getting my life back on track so fast has been good. I was able to take on all my financial responsibilities and have asked them for nothing. I don't need their advice and when I do tell them about what's happening, they just ask, "are you still working out?" When I tell them about being in a flare up, they look genuinely concerned, but know they are powerless as they watch me pop my pills throughout the day.

We are such different people and my recent experiences are helping me to not have any expectations but to just accept them for who they are. I know they love me in the way they know how. I am loved unconditionally by many and they are as much my family as the one that raised and judges me.

Last night I attended one of my favorite GA meetings. It's a meeting Sporty and I started in my hometown about five years ago. It's a really strong meeting now and there were a lot of familiar faces and many new faces. After I spoke, some people shared that they'd heard about my story in the rooms or that they were at my five year pinning last summer or that they too had the possibility of facing prison. So many of us connected by our pasts and now our recovery. I am so blessed to have found this program and that my story can help others. Everyone's story has that capability, I am not special or unique, I am merely an example of someone who continues to seek hope in the face of adversity. Recovery has given me that tool.

That is why it's okay that life with my family does not need to be perfect. Life is not perfect. My hope is not to change my parents because that is out of my control. My hope is to continue to build my family of choice to be the people that make home feel like home and feeling loved feel like love. I love my family and I know they never doubt that. I love all the people I consider family - even some new ones that I met behind the fences. My hometown may no longer be home, it's truly where my family is that I am at home.

Officially a Flare

I heard from my docs today. I'm officially in a flare - a fancy way of saying that my chronic health condition is acting up. Well, we king of knew that, right? I was already feeling yucky before the flu shot, so perhaps the flu shot was the last straw. The good news is that my doc put me on a high dose of prednisone yesterday and I'm already starting to feel better. I got a good night's sleep and I can function today. Prednisone is like a devil in a white dress... it makes you feel great, but it's really an evil medication. I was once on it for nearly six months. I'm hoping to be off it after just a week and not have to taper the dosage or anything. It's a good goal and my docs are on board with it. I can live and work through mild pain and inflammation, just not the extreme that I was suffering. Too long on prednisone and I'll get "moon face" again - definitely not something I want ever again --- a round face that literally is shaped and bloated like the moon!

Tonight is my last class before a weekend reprieve. Sporty, T.S., and I are headed to our hometown for the weekend. I will celebrate Yom Kippur with my family, attend a G.A. meeting, spend time with Sporty's family, and hopefully see a bunch of my friends as well. It'll be a quick couple days, but it's the first time I am leaving my state while on supervision. It's that reality that I am not quite free to live my life, but I am so grateful that I was given the permission to travel home without any suspicion. I wish I was feeling better, but it doesn't have to be perfect, what matters is that I am going. I'm worried more about the several hour drive, than being there, but we have several stops to make along the way, so I'll get out and stretch, so that will help.

My weekend is not exactly a break, however, as I have two papers and a major presentation due next week. I will be trying to find time for reading, writing, and preparing. Once I am back at school, I will have two days of late group meetings to make up for the inability to meet over the weekend - Monday and Tuesday meetings going to 10pm - because my professors like to put us in group projects. I love collaborative projects, but finding times for everyone to work together can be difficult. I'm all for great technology - like google docs and others online that allow us to edit same documents in real time - but people like to meet, and they seem to see me as their lead. They are all just out of undergrad and not as familiar with the writing protocols or technology. I'm trying to pass the agency on to them, but they look to me to delegate. It's okay, they are incredibly intelligent capable people!!!

For me, I am getting to be creative in my work in several ways. In one presentation, I am using Prezi, which I enjoy so much more than PowerPoint. It makes it so much more fun in preparing for presentations. I am creating graphs/charts with lots of data (which I enjoy). I'm also getting to use my legal brain now and then, which can be fun. I'm really enjoying school.

So, being in a flare sucks. It's hard to sit for a long time in the uncomfortable seats usually available. It's also hard to stand sometimes. It's hard to type sometimes. It's hard to lie down at times. Well, sometimes anything can be difficult. Yeah, flares suck. But, I am not letting it slow me down, because I not only need to do my work, but I like doing my work. Isn't that what we all want?!?!?

An Offender in the Classroom

There is an offender in the classroom. Everyone sits around the table, talking about what causes crime, why people commit crimes, how to best understand the dilemma of criminal justice and we talk about person "x" - those people, those juveniles, those 'others' who have gone through or who will go through our systems of justice. I'm likely not the only one. Sure, some others have gone to court for traffic violations. Perhaps, there are some who faced the realities of our criminal justice system when they were young, or by watching family members stand before the court and/or hugged them goodbye as their family member left them for prison. There are a million reasons these incredibly smart colleagues of mine chose to seek graduate study in criminal justice.

I see everything I learn from the lens of an offender. I see it from the lens as a recovering addict. I see it from the lens of someone who still knows so many people who are away and who talks with other women facing the reality in the future. I'm not just a researcher, I am one of us, one of them... My professor said to a fellow student tonight about conducting research, "the women are all on probation or parole and you are not," and I am sitting in my chair thinking, "well, for me, I am!" I am on supervision. I am who we study. I am also the researcher. I can separate my role of researcher from the research I am conducting, but it does not change my identity. I am a felon who is on supervision.

When my colleagues learn about my history, which will occur at some point (I am not living the double life anymore), I often wonder what kind of reaction I will receive. Will they look back on their discussions and think about the assumptions they made over the prior weeks? Will they feel less comfortable with me because of my background? Will I become an n=1? (One of my professors referred to me last week as an N=1). N=1 means refers to sample size and we as researcher always try for as large a sample size as possible. A sample size of 1 is not at all generalizable - it's one person's story and cannot be explained for anyone else in society. It's once you study a large group of people that you can see patterns and start to understand behaviors...

Anyway, as a convict in a criminal justice program, I am essentially an N=1 when it comes to white collar crime, federal prison experience, experience with federal prisons and chronic illness, federal supervision, felons and graduate school, yadda yadda yadda... in fact, it would be difficult to find too many other "N's" that would be in similar situations as me. Sure, we can study women with white collar crimes, but it would be much lower for those with chronic illnesses as well... in fact the "N" would make the study non-generalizable because you want studies with thousands of similarly situated people if you can... that leaves us with more qualitative research methods, which I enjoy anyway. Plus, my own background can come "into" qualitative research methods moreso than quantitative research methods - I can reveal my background - which is important because I need to reveal it so my research is not criticized for lack of disclosure.

I suppose, this all comes down to the reality that as an offender in the classroom, and as an offender who is a researcher in criminal justice, there is a constant reality of knowing who I am matters when in comes to the work I do and how I interpret what I am reading and doing. I will need to look if there is anything out there about offenders as grad students... if not....hmmmm

I'm so happy to be a grad student. I am learning so much. I have so much to give as well. I belong here still. So, glad I took the risks to get myself back in. Fear would only have stopped me from trying. Maybe my N=1 will help others and one day there will be 2, then 5, and maybe someday there will be 100, and perhaps a real study could be done about us - maybe one day my story won't matter because it will already exist. Something to ponder.

Pain in the Neck

As someone with a chronic illness with medications that result in my becoming immunocompromised, I'm always told how important it is for me to receive the flu shot. Last year, I didn't receive it, because Carswell could not answer the simple question on if it was a live vaccine or not (immunocompromised people cannot take live vaccines). So, they did not give it to me. I got through the season unscathed, amazingly, and now it it once again that time to make the decision, to vaccine or not to vaccine.

Honestly, it's a no brainer for me. If I'm allowed the vaccine, I'm all for it. My doc on Friday learned that I'm able to definitely take the injection, but not the nasal or other forms and so I received my flu vaccine in the early afternoon Friday.

Friday evening, the pain began. It started in my neck, then down spine into shoulder blades and across top of left shoulder. Movement could cause the pain to go as high as a 7.5 out of 10, and I know my pain. 

I've been really working on not complaining and working through pain, but when I could barely move my head Saturday, I knew something was up. It was even worse sunday. I kept trying to figure out if this was part of this "flare" that my doc was telling me about, but it didn't seem to fit anything from my past.

I happened to have a doc appt set up for this morning to get referrals scheduled (thank god) so I asked the doc to look it over. The tightness and pain was incredibly evident and he wanted to give me something strong for the pain, but all narcotics do are make me sick and I'm not able to take Aleve/Ibuprofen type meds. So, muscle relaxers were all he could do. He wanted me to sleep for three days, but I have way too much work, so the only drowsy pill is for nighttime, but today, the daytime pill did nil... Ugh.

Anyway, this is what's wrong with me (this time): since I am immunocompromised, my body reacted to the flu vaccine and thinks it has the flu. Soy neck, muscles, shoulders, are all in flu symptoms, even though I DO NOT HAVE THE FLU! Okay, even to me that sounds weird! I have no other flu symptoms at all, but my muscles are totally in spasms and tight and in protection mode - especially on the side the shot was given. It's rare, but with me, what else is new??

My doc made it clear that I am to still get the flu shot annually, but we will want to make sure I can take a couple days off after and have scripts ready beforehand in the future... 

I can see my request for time off now: "Dear future employers, please give me the next week off so I can recover from the flu shot to avoid the flu so I don't miss a week of work... Thanks!"

Such is life!

Be well and get your vaccine! Trust me, this is not likely to happen to you! 

Sentencing Guidelines

I'm on a group project looking at sentencing guidelines from a historical perspective, pros and cons, etc. - mostly from state perspectives, but I get to throw in some federal stuff. We present in a week and a half.

It's a great group. Very hard working and oh so young!! They are all just a few years older than T.S. I forget how old I must seem to them. They all look to me as thier leader and I try to look to them, but they are less than a month into graduate school and still scared. A feeling I do not share.

Anyway, I think our presentation is looking fabulous! Honestly, I'm learning a lot about how sentencing guidelines came to be. They started to stop the disparities that were occurring in sentencing based on race and gender, but the problem was that (and continues to be) that people are individuals. Ever since thier initial passage 20 years ago, they have gone through amendment after amendment as commissions and legislatures grapple with how mandatory or discretionary the guidelines should be.

Federally, we see the guidelines moving away from mandatory. In over 50% of cases, judges sentence below the guidelines. Drug related mandatory guidelines are reducing this November.  Sentencing guidelines results in overcrowded prisons and the inability for alternative programs to prisons being considered.

Problem is, there are still disparities in sentencing. In the end, I will need to answer, did sentencing guidelines fix the problems of race and gender disparities. The answer is no. People of color are still receiving longer sentences for similar crimes and women receive shorter sentences than men. If it didn't fix the problem, then we need to really consider a better way to fix the problem - perhaps mandatory maximums! Now, that's a concept!!!!

Sit the Season Out

Did I somehow become an athlete? At my follow up with my doctor today, I was told, "well, you're pretty much going to have to sit the season of fall out." She's concerned because my inflammatory markers are continuing to rise. We now have two years of medical records and see the patterns. Fall is my not so good season.

I'm going to stay as active as possible, but the doc wants me to stay to 10 minute spurts of exercise. I'd signed up for a "couch to 5k" walking group for women, and she approved it, as long as I stay walking and don't push myself. If my Achilles goes tight, I'm to stop. As much as I know my docs are right, I didn't like the news.

There was some good news, though. As fall is my bad season, it appears that come early Speing, I should be able to fully jam again. My doc told me to just be ready to be active as soon as my body can handle it and my body will adjust quickly. We will keep testing my blood and as soon as my inflammatory markers are on the decrease again, Jillian Michaels and I will be best buddies again!! In the meantime, my increased fatigue and lack of time management can somewhat be explained by my body's decreased capacity right now.

I won't really be sitting the season out. I won't even be on the sidelines. I may be one of the slowest people on the field, but I'm going to be fully geared up and out and about doing my best. As long as I can get out of bed. As long as I can walk. As long as I can breath on my own. I will not sit life out. I did that for far too long with my addiction and then when I was put behind the fence. I choose to keep moving.

Can I Just Stay Quiet?

Sometimes sitting in class can get interesting for me. Today in my class, we are finally moving beyond policing and starting the conversation about courts. This, I know a lot about. I know the legal side from my J.D. and the defendant side from last year. Can I separate my personal experience from the class discussions? So far, not so well...

Tonight, as the class talked about bail, judge's discretion around setting bail, and then issues around plea-bargaining (an issue that I'm even more passionate about), I couldn't help but through my skepticism about the justice system out. At one point I said:

"It doesn't matter who you are... if you are not extremely wealthy or famous, then it matters not if you have a public defender or a private attorney... you are just going to plea out and end up on prison anyway..."

Oy, I can't believe I said that. The first thing my professor said to me was, "what reading are you basing that on? What empirical evidence?" I wanted to say, "my nine months in Carswell."

Then, interestingly, one of our readings for class was about the 'decision to prosecute,' that took place in the same county of where my crime occurred. I was not prosecuted by the state, so I was one of the cases they did not move forward, so in reading the article, I was interested in trying to figure out why my case was never prosecuted by the state... why did it go federal? I will never know, but it made me curious, especially because this article was specifically written from the same county as my case (albeit well before my case was ever presented to them).

I also continually get a run-around when I mention "federal" issues - I am always reminded - 90% of cases are handled in the states... I keep mentioning that I'm interested in the federal system. Always the minority, ha!

There's such a huge part of me that wants to tell my class my story --- they need to hear the story of someone who went through all these steps and what happened and what it was like... what 'negotiating' a plea really looks like. How I was allowed to go to South Africa still. How I was never really arrested, etc.

Just thoughts...

It's Rosh Hashanah

Somehow I failed to take the day off to go to synagogue or anything like that, but tonight there will be Apple dipped in honey! I have a staff meeting in 40 minutes, so I best get moving this morning...

Time Management

I am officially having difficulty. How did I do it all before? Not only it all, more?? Before I went away, I was doing a lot more than I am doing now... I had the same number of classes, I had the same job, I had the same chronic illness that can slow me down at times, but I maintained a fellowship, I spent more time with friends, I watched far more television, and somehow I seemed to get it all done with a decent night's sleep.

Last night, I was up until 2 a.m. finishing a short paper for a class. I absolutely know what I'm doing. I am not feeling as if I am struggling in school or with the materials (as I did when I first came back to school and needed to learn what APA citation looked like and basic going back to school issues). Now, though, I feel as if I have not figured out my time management, yet. I'm nearly a month into school, so I better get my act together. What I hate most, is that I am finding myself settling down to write here, and falling asleep before I can even get a sentence written. Now, that is a problem. So, I am going to try and write earlier in the day.

I am continuing to find that my interest in the women's pathways to crime framework is where I want to focus my research. So far, most things I read seem to say that white collar female offenders are not influenced by similar motivations as other offenders that fall under the pathways framework (earlier victimization/trauma). However, based on so many stories I heard, I think, perhaps, the wrong questions may have been asked. I think there is a similar pathway to crime for financial related crimes and I'm excited that I already know where my research may be headed (two years into my former PhD program and I was never too specific).

In fact, I think I now have two professors for my "thesis" committee, as I walked into a second professors office during her office hours this week. She at first was a little standoffish, and by the end of our conversation, she was offering me a chair in her office and saying that "if" I am in as an official PhD student, she would like to work with me as a student. Sweet! She actually did a really interesting dissertation topic (just a couple years ago) that falls close to my interests! I still need to select my thesis chair, but not yet...

I have two group projects and am trying to shuffle our meeting times. I love collaborative projects, but they often take more time to complete than working independently. I feel as if I have great groups, though. They are all new graduate students and in that scared deer in headlights mode, so they are working very hard. They do look to me for guidance, as I know the ins and outs of my University and the how to's better, but ultimately, we are all working well as teams. As a master's level vs a PhD level student, there is much more "busy" work, and a lot less theoretical work, discussion, and reading. I am not upset that the professors did not want me in their PhD courses, they did not yet admit me into the PhD program, and I am learning a lot about the building blocks of what I need to know. I just keep getting ahead of myself and trying to take things to the next level and then remembering that I am not there yet. Maybe, if I could just be where I am, I could slow down enough to get everything done...

In the end, I know that everything will be okay. In fact, I know that everything doesn't even need to work out the way I am planning on it to. There are so many ways my life may go at this point and my life is sooooo good. I don't gamble. I'm not locked up. I am mailing off a check to pay a bit of my restitution. I'm visiting my home town in a couple weeks.

So, I guess it's okay that I don't have everything all together. I have people to respond to. I have to get my room fully organized (still). I need to figure out the best studying place in my home (still). I apologize to all of you for not being the daily writer I've become, though, and I will do my best to be better, because I still have much to share and I hope you still choose to want to be a part of this exchange. It's a day at a time, and so for today, I wrote this. See, I'm already doing better with my time management!

Tackling our Demons

A weird title given how amazing my weekend was with my group of friends. We spend about 48 hours exploring ourselves, recovery, the joy of food, deeply connected friendships, and growing older with laughter, tears, little sleep, and a shortage of toilet paper (no worries, plenty of Kleenex!). As always, a mildly adjusted version of the "cowgirls" board game was a hit with laughter bringing happy tears to our eyes.

So, why this title? Well, much of the recovery, at least for me, was about letting go and our self-esteem. A friend brought some amazing materials from adult children of alcoholics and I could see myself in every principle of that program. Even as adults, we never run out of things we can work on. We just need to be open to them and honest with ourselves and our need for held.

I feel as if this weekend allowed me to release a lot of built up demons I've been holding onto around judgement from others, especially family. I choose to release it all and seek no one's permission to be the best person I can be and I don't want anyone so embarrassed of who I am or my past that they feel lies are the only way to save face with others. I will not live someone else's lie. If people cannot accept me for who I am, I must be willing to have healthy boundaries and I deserve love and respect. I will not live in shame! No demons hanging over me!

Picking Blueberries

Our official recovery weekend has started and I feel so refreshed in the outdoors surrounded by friends who understand the same life struggles as my own. The minute Superdog and I parked on the land, a calmness washed over me. This is a place I've always felt peace. I have a lot of history on this land and many memories and no where could I feel more "free" right now than being here.

I had the opportunity to spend several hours with my aunt just catching up and relaxing. It was really just wonderful. She has always had an energy that's fascinated me. She is incredibly talented / actress, writer, and so much more. She's an adventurer, an ex hippy that's still kinda a hippy, interesting in myriad of ways, and usually the natural center of attention. She and my mom are complete opposites, yet that's not to say one is all good and the other bad - just complete opposites, like my sister and I.

Survivor came early and we went to lunch in town. It was wonderful to have that time. I miss my time with her. We used to be able to spend more to together, so today was nice! 

The rest of the gang started arriving a bit later and suddenly it was all of us together, catching up, hugging, laughing, looking at pictures/videos, talking, cooking, eating, gossiping, taking photos, telling stories, blowing up airbeds, making s'mores at a bonfire and so much more!!! Years can pass by and it's like yesterday!!! 

I can't take moments like this for granted, nor people like these women. They are amazing and I am so blessed to have this special weekend every year. It is so good to be surrounded by such love!

The Building Anticipation

I can't help myself. I'm excited for this weekend. It is my weekend that is about friendship, recovery, laughter, sharing, growth, serenity, nature, and so much more. Six years ago, when the first weekend occurred, some of us were practically strangers to one another, and not all of us were yet a part of this group. We had 7 of us that first year and 6 of us are still a part of it - we now have a group of 11. It was intended to be a women's recovery retreat, but we are now the cowgirls, all in G.A., all with years of recovery, and all growing in our recovery as the years go by. 

I for one know how lucky I am to have this particular group of incredible women as my friends. I wouldn't trade any of them in for anyone else. Each one of them is unique and special. They all have the ability to make me laugh and we share the trust that makes tears just as likely. None of us are perfect, nor do we pretend to be, which makes all of us perfect as a group. We accept that we are degenerates, laugh at our inadequacies, and most of all, genuinely care about one another's lives.

We often laugh when we are out together imagining how anyone would guess how this group formed. We vary in age over a 30+ year span, we vary racially, we vary by sexual orientation, marital status, parenthood, some are grandparents, others raising babies,..., some retired, others in college, ... Well, you get the idea. Are we a bowling league? Church group? Nope, just a bunch of best girlfriends in recovery who share a lot in common, even if by the looks of it, we share little in common.

Our retreat will be on about 4 1/2 acres of land owned by my aunt and nicknamed decades ago by my grandfather a Yiddish word for crazy. The land is incredibly serene, with blueberry bushes, a small and large pond, bird feeders, many plants, gardens, and even a blue ceramic cow (don't ask). The house is not set up for 11 to sleep, but we don't care. There are beds that sleep four, and we bring air mattresses to accommodate the rest of us. It's actually quite cozy and regardless of our ages, we find ourselves getting a good night's sleep. 

My favorite place is the screened in porch that I've found peace in since I was a child visiting the land. Aside from seeing my friends, I am looking forward to just sitting in that room, closing my eyes, and releasing as much stress as I can. There is a positive energy there that I cannot define, but I imagine most people have a place in their lives that gives them pure calmness and peace. For me, it is there.

Last year, my friends momentarily considered canceling their weekend because I couldn't be there (incarceration and all). I'm so glad it was only for a second and that they knew the retreat was as much about each of them as it was about me. This year, though, I can't wait to have us all there together. It'll actually be the first time we are all there together in a couple of years. Everyone needs this retreat, not just me, and I can't wait to be part of their weekend memories as well.

Never Get Too Comfortable

I've mentioned before that I've been concerned about the fact that I have not heard back from my PO lately and I need to be making my restitution payments and have some questions. My messages went unanswered, and he doesn't like repeat calls or emails, so it's a sit and wait game. However, I didn't want to violate my supervision either. I knew that this month I must make a payment, but since my case was transferred from one state to this state, I wasn't sure the protocol on where to make payments and last I talked to my PO, neither did he. What a lot of people don't realize, is that restitution is paid to the court clerk where you are sentenced, usually, not to the victims or some other entity. Additionally, all the restitution payments I made while incarcerated are still not showing up on my paperwork as being applied to my overall restitution debt.

This morning, I decided to head over to my PO's office. I guess I can just go there any week day, although I never have been there since my first day of official supervision. I went to drop off two forms. One form was a listing of all the gambler's anonymous meetings I've been to since July 2nd. It actually wasn't all of them, but most of them. It's a technicality that I have to have the form filled out and I attend at least a meeting every week. They have to have proof that I'm serious about my recovery. I am. Included was the G.A. conference I attended a couple weeks ago. He was pleased I went to it. He really doesn't understand how serious about recovery I am.

The second form was my first ever "travel authorization" form. It was for permission to travel to where my family and friends are for the Yom Kippur holiday weekend. It usually takes two weeks to receive approval, but luckily my PO was in, took me into his office for about 45 minutes, and approved me for my first trip out of state on the spot. In October, I will officially be able to take a road trip for a weekend. I'm truly looking forward to it! The fact that I need to go through that process, though, is that reminder - I am still in supervision - possibly for another 2 3/4 years - and my life is not mine to live freely. I have restrictions.

Interestingly, my PO asked me if I've had any "police interaction" recently and I honestly answered, "no." However, Sporty was driving my car last night and was pulled over. She was driving in a turn only lane and went forward, the cop just gave her a warning - this was just last night. Turns out that since it was my vehicle, my name popped up at my PO's office this morning. All was fine, but I guess he would have been forced to check in with me anyway today. I didn't realize that even my vehicle without my being in it made me susceptible to PO questions. It's okay, though, cause I really needed to talk to my PO!

Well, it's really good that I went in, because my PO still didn't have the answers about my restitution payments. That's okay, though, I'm just going to start making the payments to the original court - by check. I hate not being able to make the payment electronically. I like a better paper trail! I've also made the decision to make an initial payment out of the school grant I received. It's technically not income, but my PO never got a response from the court and I don't want to make a wrong move. I'll do whatever it takes to be truly free. I'll be paying on my restitution for a long time, but I want to be off supervision. I just don't want to ever get too comfortable with my life and somehow forget that I need to be doing something or that I have rules to follow and must report in and must pay my restitution on time.

It's actually quite easy to get caught up on normality and almost forget that I can't just jump in my car and drive somewhere or that I can never travel to Canada again or that I have no passport or that I can't just take an Amtrak or buy a plane ticket. My life is monitored. And, it appeared, my car is monitored. I'm at home, comfortably sitting on my couch, writing this blog post, but my life is still under surveillance to a point. I suppose in some ways it will always be - at least until I can actually finish supervision and finish paying off my restitution. Somehow, I will find a day when I am totally free again. Perhaps it won't matter one day. I don't know. I just can't forget that right now, I better keep taking the initiative and check in with my PO from time to time.

Weekend Failure

I'm not sure I should call my weekend a failure. I crossed many things off my to-do list. I've been excitedly planning for my weekend away with a group of my close friends next week - fun shopping included. I've made my third, yes third, assignment listing for the semester (I think this one I'm happy with). I wanted a listing that put together all my assignments from all my syllabi into one easy to read location. I utilized a groupon for a consignment store that was about to expire (very important) purchasing everything BUT the pants I need for the now cooler weather. I earned a free student professional license to a great survey software (SogoSurvey) that I had to jump through hoops to earn, but it was worth the time and effort to get the free professional license.

So, it wasn't a wasted weekend... but I did not cross off too many items on that new, updated, pretty assignment listing that I made. I just didn't have it in me to sit and read. It didn't help that Starbucks made a mistake with my chai order yesterday and instead of one Venti Chai Frappachino, I had that AND an Iced Chai Latte... that's a lot of caffeine for someone who doesn't do much caffeine like ever... I think I was a little too jumpy to be good at much of anything after I made the bad choice of drinking it all... I chose taste over health - go figure!

Speaking of health. I've made the choice to try an elimination diet after next weekend's binge fest with my friends. The elimination diet is meant to identify the foods that cause issues like allergies and other problems. People with chronic health issues, such as myself, have been able to find foods that cause increased inflammation, foods that increase their headaches, etc. After a month or so, I'll be able to identify the foods that seem to cause my system the biggest issues and try to develop a way to limit or eliminate those foods from my diet. Sporty and I bought a book (she's doing it too for other health reasons) and we are reading it chapter by chapter for the how to's and what not to do's. It's a big undertaking, but something I've been wanting to do for some time.

When I first got out of prison, I bought an orange juice at my not real halfway house. I almost immediately felt sick to my stomach. That made me wonder if I was having a reaction to the O.J. since I hadn't had it in so long, my body no longer was used to the juice. I haven't had any since. In that last several months, I've noticed that certain meals have had some similar reactions on me, but I don't quite know what foods are the culprits. So, best way to find out is to do this elimination diet. The reports say that after doing the elimination diet, I should feel really good, have better energy, and even lose a little weight (not a bad thing...). I'll keep you all informed about how it goes.

Maybe the elimination diet will also help me with my ADHD issues and I'll be able to concentrate a little more on my studies. While I did accomplish a lot this weekend, I really do want to put my studies first. I'm not worried. I don't have anything that must be done in the next two day or anything, but I also never want to feel as if I am behind either. We do not do homework in grad school --- we study and that is a thing that is done all week long, not just cramming before class. Well, tomorrow is another day and I will study, yes I will. Perhaps, I will lay off the caffeine before I even start the elimination diet too.

The Reality of Time

As I drove home from work today, I thought how much I looked forward to my G.A. meeting this evening and my weekend days ahead. While I'll spend much of the time studying, they will be slower days without feeling as rushed. This sense of "time" is so different than how it felt when I was incarcerated.

Of course there were weekdays and weekends, and there were days, weeks, months, etc. It is just that it all blended in to each other. Living it felt forever and looking back felt like it was no time at all. Now, a day feels like a day, and a week feels like a week. The idea of TGIF works because a weekend truly feels like a weekend.

Last night I had the honor of being able to talk with one of you, a reader of this blog, who is fearing that she may have to face this similar path I've gone down. It's so overwhelming to face it all - all those unknowns - and feel capable of getting through it okay. It comes right back to this issue of time. It's all just one day at a time. If we look at everything that is or may occur, it's a never ending tunnel of time and possibilities and fears. So, keep your focus on today and what you can do just for today. Tomorrow, you will do the same.

It may feel like forever, but for right now, enjoy your Fridays. Enjoy your weekends and your Tuesdays and your September and everything. Don't put yourself into your own prison prior to actually being put in one physically. Whether we have to go to prison or not will be decided at some point down the road, but for now, we have days to live.

Once we are incarcerated, time may have no real meaning. I think that's why we talk things like, "two days and a wake up," or say we are leaving in a month even though 50 days may separate us from when we leave (I.e. It's sept.1 but they leave oct. 24... They would say a month...). Time has no real meaning until you look back.

Here, in the outside world, time has meaning. So make the best of it. Make time for yourself and those you care about. I love that I can sense time in my life once again.

Personal Space

I've recently noticed another change that I don't know to be permanent or not. While I'm still my mostly extroverted self, I actively choose to be more in my own space these days. I like to study alone. I enjoy sitting away from classmates.  I don't even fret about turning my phone off for hours while I'm in school.

Three years ago, when I was started my education program, it took me about two weeks to reach out to five other classmates and start a weekly study group. We would share thoughts on readings, discuss assignments, and support one another through our core courses. 

Now, I find a cubicle on the quiet side of the library, ensuring that no one is right next to me, and quietly I work through my readings and assignments. I have no problem working with groups, yet have no interest in forming any in addition to project groups already set up in classes. I like my independence and enjoy the space it provides me from others.

I can only imagine this must be a direct result of coming out of the overcrowded reality of Carswell. Tonight in class, nearly everyone say on the right side of the classroom. I don't know why. I sat on the left side. I spread my stuff out. I put my bag on the chair next to mine. I didn't use most of it, but I had an entire row to myself. 

I'm not entirely anti-social. A classmate sat in front of me and behind me. We shared comments now and then. I did notice, we all were a bit less distracted by others, though. We also were known by name quicker by our professor. 

I used to want to feel accepted and "part of." Now, I really don't care. There are certainly people I could see being friendly with - which could happen in due time. I don't need it, though. I have amazing people in my life. I'm happy being colleagues with folks. We don't all need to be best friends. 

I am a little surprised though. It is a change of character of sorts. Prison certainly changes us in unexpected ways!

Analytics

Today I received a text from Cache with a screen picture from this blog. She texted, "I guess I'm 59,000..." Wow, 59,000 hits. It's amazing that somehow she happened to be the person that saw the number roll to that even 0-0-0. I remember before I left for Carswell, Cache and I couldn't believe that this site neared 5,000 hits; not it's close to 60,000 a year later.

I want to thank all of you who are daily or frequent readers who for whatever reason, choose to follow this blog and my daily life. It started, honestly, with friends, but through emails and comments I've made new friends and community with people from all over the U.S. and the World. I know that some of you discover this blog through prisontalk, others through loved ones at Carswell, I'm not sure how others have come across it, but I'm glad you've gotten something out of it and have stuck around.

Through google, I am able to see my analytics/statistics on who is reading this blog. Most of you are in the United States, but certainly not all. There are readers from throughout Europe, Russia, Ukraine, Canada, South America, and many other places. Lately, readership in New Zealand has gone up significantly.

Certain blogs also receive much higher readership than others. Some of my posts receive about 25-40 hits, while the average post receives about 60-80 hits. A rare post will receive over 100 hits, with some over 200 and a really rare one (like the first) with over 1,000 hits. I'm a statistics person, so I find all of this fascinating.

On the average day, this blog receives between 150-200 hits. I think that's pretty good for a blog about a random woman going to prison. I'm glad that so many people find something of interest within these posts. 

I write because I love writing, but I write this blog because of all of you and all the people I hope it can help with information, a laugh, empathy, compassion, and community. I am so grateful for every single person who chooses to read even one post on this blog and who tries to do something positive with what they read. 

Thank you all for getting me to 59,000. I do not see that number lightly. You all are part of the community that has supported me through the unknowns of my past year and I will never forget.

💜💜💜

DF Hazel

A Blog and a Vlog

It's kinda strange having a semi-normal life aside from the life that I'm still acclimating away from. I now work, attend classes, have a keychain full of keys, bring home a paycheck (first one soon!), eat Sushi out with friends, take Superdog on walks, workout in my living room, and I have even joined Sporty in starting a vlog. For those of you new to the concept of vlogging, it is kind of like blogging, only with a video camera and uploaded to YouTube. Videos tend to be shorter than 10 minutes in length (unless you are super famous), and just follow your life (unless you have a theme like cooking, comedy, kids, etc... just like blogs). T.S. has been into vlogging for several years and we are joining into it for a little bit of fun and stress relief. When I was young I wanted to be a film maker, now I guess my thoughts are part of the documentary called life documented on YouTube.

Sporty and I just started our YouTube channel and it's we haven't really explored much about our lives yet. We figure that things about ourselves will naturally surface over the course of time, if we decide to keep the vlog going. It's kind of like when you make new friends. You do not announce all your secrets and reveal your past on the first day and in the first 10 minutes (the length of our first video), but rather over time, as things naturally progress that way.

For me, I do not personally feel as if I have anything to hide. I do want to respect the friends and community of T.S. and Sporty who may watch the vlog who do not know my story - as they do not need anyone to judge them for my past or my story. It's always important to keep a balance of ensuring we try to protect those around us - even when we feel as if we no longer need to protect ourselves.

I guess for at least a while, I will be a blogger and a vlogger... as well as a student, a worker bee, a woman on federal supervision, and many other things. I'm glad I have many identities in this world. I have many positive things to offset the negative and I am able to keep my focus on all the good in my life. I am enjoying this new activity called vlogging. I won't claim to be all that photogenic in the lens, but I certainly have a lot of stories to share with the many potential YouTube viewers!

Now, if I could only get myself to start writing that book...

You'd Do That For Me?

I guess prison really did change me. Before I went, I still had fear of authority. Before I went, I would reluctantly walk up to a professor and insecurely tell them my thoughts hoping they'd think them worthy. Before I went, I feared judgement and belonging and looking over my shoulder and complications and enemies and lies and the truth and losing everything and well... I guess I just was full of fear. 

Maybe the biggest change in me is my lack of fear. Today, I do not fear authority. I walked right up to the director of my academic program, talked access to research with him, and he said, "I'm going to look into that for you." I said, "you'd do that for me?" (All that time in prison, I forgot that people in authority roles really do go out of their ways to help others), and I think I made a good collegial relationship with a very important colleague.

Then, I went directly to a female faculty's office that I want to be on my thesis committee, introduced myself, and we are having coffee together next week. I suppose that's how it's all supposed to happen. I feel as if I'm exuding a confidence I never had in the past - even though I know less about the exact subject matter than in the past, I know how to be a researcher and an academic.

I know where I belong. I am excited to know that the research I may be doing could potentially help many women involved in the federal justice system. Wouldn't it be something if all this experience turned out to help me change the lives of accused and/or convicted female offenders? 

I wish I could share some of this happiness and what is happening with my friends back at Carswell. I wonder how they are all doing. Some may have successfully been transferred by now. Others may still be fighting the system. I wonder who is sick and who is getting out. I pray Taz is well. I imagine Lola and Jin are well at the camp. Is it possible that one of Appeals appeals have won? How much longer does Glitter have? Is Nurse and Cali back in California now? Has Mama seen and/or talked to her boys? Did Curls find a new job? Did they figure out what was wrong with Taz? Has my bunky finally been released? So many women cross my mind. I may not be allowed to reach out to them, but that does not mean I forget.

If I could, I'd let them know that I'm doing what I can to make a difference - one day at a time. It's going to take me years for the degree, but my research will hopefully be useful and help women in the future. All I have right now are my prayers. I'll be doing that for you! 

Reading the Research

I'm under an unbelievable crunch this week. In just three short days, I need to turn in my thesis topic, even though I just started my grad program 1 1/2 wks ago. I'm on a bit of an accelerated plan in order to attempt official entry into the jc doctorate program through their applications due this winter. My feminist theory class has me doing my thesis proposal as my paper for her course this semester. Nothing like taking the bull by the horns immediately.

In order to whiddle my many interests down to a research topic, I have been reading relevant existing research and searching available data archives. For the thesis, my goal is to answer my research question utilizing secondary data (or data that already exists for a different purpose) so that I can build upon it with my own research once I am in the multiple year doctoral program. This thesis' goal is to prove I can write, properly utilize research methods, interprets results appropriately, understand limitations, build an appropriate literature review, determine conclusions, and offer avenues for further studies. 

I've been playing with many ideas, but think I'm leaning toward a theory that focuses on early victimization of females and it's possible ties to future criminal activity. I'm specifically looking at connecting it to women and white collar crimes. From what I can tell, there has not been much research done connecting the theory to white collar crimes. I need to figure out, though, if I could somehow review PSI/PSR data in order to find the early victimization data to connect with the women convicted of the big three white collar crimes (embezzlement, fraud, forgery).

My hope is that after the thesis, I can take this all a step further and see if an addiction link is prevalent for white collar female offenders who were victimized and if that addiction preceded their white collar crime.

As I've been researching articles to find similar and informative studies, I've come across some interesting research. One actually quite bothered me as it said that white collar offenses were an effect of being in high standing and refusing to reach out for help - yet so many I know that committed these types of crimes had addictions, were of average standing in their communities, and were to the point of being physically/emotionally/ mentally unable to ask for help. That's a really different thing. So many studies have been done solely on men, and most not on people struggling with addiction. I hope to help fill in that gap.

From what I could initially find, there's only one large study that looked directly at the impact of gambling on white collar crime (all males). The study concluded that gambling increases in cities had no effect on white collar crimes. It's a fairly old study and perhaps it would be worthwhile to replicate it a decade or more later (now). There's a lot of articles about increases in crimes related to drug addiction.

I found only one journal article specific to women and white collar crime. The researchers found that women committed the crimes to feed their family and/or take care of loved ones. Well, those results certainly wouldn't fit most the white collar offenders I knew in Carswell. In fact, most the white collar offenders I knew, actually had no mens rea (criminal intent) at all when offending. They were the "fall gals" for bigger fish, addicted to drugs/alcohol/men/gambling, and/or abused, etc. Sure, there were certainly the desperate, there were also the intentional forgers and the greedy, but they were the rare ones. We all could tell who they were and usually they planned to walk out and go right back to their not so lawful ways. They are career criminals, like so many others. 

I'm curious about the others though. Those who never really saw themselves as making an active choice to commit a crime. Those who at some point lost the ability to make rational decisions or to be the intelligent, capable person they exude themselves to be to the world. If we can find out some insights into why they commit crime, then maybe we can find the alternatives we need for them from the same prisons as those that chose lives of crime.

Maybe my research can be a step in that direction.

The Positive Energy of Others

Yesterday, a friend from where I used to live came to visit. She arrived in town just prior to the Friday night GA meeting. That's okay, though, because that's how we met - sitting across the table at a GA meeting. It was her that I always looked to when people said to find people within the rooms who represent what you want your recovery to look like. She was happy, attractive, married, intelligent, kind, forgiving, and just emitted off this positive energy that made her someone approachable to all. I was so devastated at the time - but down the road, I wanted my life to look like hers.

We quickly became friends and along the way she assisted me with some of my step work as well as always just been a good person that always brought a smile to my face. Even though longish periods of time may pass when we do not talk, we are always there for each other, like extended family who genuinely care. 

Sporty and she feel very much the same way. So we were immensely pleased that she chose to come out and visit for a night. It started with the meeting, then Thai food, then sitting on the couch for hours catching up, then laughing at YouTube videos, then sleep. This morning we walked to a cafe and sat over beverages and a light snack and talked for a couple more hours until she had to goon the many hour trip back home.

I told her that the 20 or so hours she was here will leave behind an energy that will carry with me for quite a while. She still is that person. Life is not perfect for her. It never has been as it is not for any of us. She is just one of those positive spirits in this world that just feels great to be around. Today, I may not be everything she was or is when I sit at a GA table, but I know that I am one of those positive voices. I learned a lot of it from her. It was a wonderful visit and a quick one and I'm so very happy she came!

"I Want to Investigate Money Crimes"

It was a really, really long day. I'm not complaining. I wouldn't change a thing. I'm happy and have so much to be grateful for. In fact, I actually received actual money today - the excess of a small grant - awarded to me by my school. Problem is, and isn't there always one, I have not heard back from my P.O. (he doesn't call, he doesn't write - imagine whiney mother referring to child) and do not know the protocol on my financial aid. I do not want to put funds toward bills or rent if I have a legal responsibility in a different direction. I do not think it's technically "income," but I know that I needed his permission to begin with and I don't want to make incorrect assumptions... We knows what they say about people who ASSuME things... Ass out of U and Me... In this case just me and the possibility of getting a violation. I'll try calling my PO again tomorrow.

I imagine my finances are being scrutinized much stronger than someone with say a drug crime. For them, it's their blood and urine that's scrutinized. Speaking of scrutinized finances, I found myself engaged in a funny conversation today. I was talking with a fellow student who is freshly out of undergrad and excited to be considering a career in intelligence. I asked where his interests lie and he said that he's specifically interested in money based crimes - white collar offenses. I wonder if my cheeks turned bright red at that moment. If they did, he didn't show it. He then talked about how DEA also sounds exciting. Oy veh. He's a nice guy. I'm sure there may be a time where telling my story could be appropriate, I don't know. 

I kind of want to do a "I can shatter all your stereotypes" workshop for all these folks. I keep hearing things like - Feds don't matter - only 10% of cases go there. Women don't matter because they commit far less crime, and far less violent crime. Discretion is bad in the criminal process (yet discretion allowed me substantial downward departure and I never went through a true arrest). Etc. and... It's only been a week so far!!!!

Best advice I've learned so far - honesty and being humble are your best ways to avoid a ticket or arrest from a police officer. Lies/tears/making up a story is the fastest way to find your way in real trouble. When I told that officer a couple weeks ago that I'm on federal supervision and all about my car just getting back to me, etc., he knew that I was being honest (people don't make up prison!) and it turns out, that helped me avoid a ticket!

In time, I'd like to try and reach out to others who sought degrees in criminal justice grad programs after imprisonment and see how they took to certain concepts. There's got to be a bunch of us out there!

When it All Fits Together

Today was a really long day. Superdog had me awake before 8am and I was trying to sleep in because I knew my day was going to do late. No luck. Since I was up anyway, I should thank Superdog, because I got in a great morning workout. Then I spent several hours reading article for classes and ensuring I would be ready for whatever was to come my way.

I had to once again stop at HR on my way onto campus. This time, they needed my I-9 form (the official federal employment homeland security form) filled out. Guess they forgot about that yesterday. They asked me to bring in my license and either my ss card or my passport - uh oh...

My passport was turned in one week prior to my sentencing (after I was allowed to travel to South Africa). My ss card and birth certificate were NEVER returned to me (after all the work Survivor, my mom, and Sporty did to get them to me in Carswell). They never made it off my counselor's desk after I saw the envelope there weeks before my leaving. As I exited the facility I asked for the documents, but it was either the docs or my freedom. I chose freedom. All that work to get the documents and I didn't need them because I happened to have a valid drivers license on file. The things no one tells you. So, my ss card and official birth certificate probably remain in a pile on that same desk. I wonder whose folder they will accidentally be put in. Perhaps someone who really is 5'2" and African American...

Anyway, luckily, before turning in my passport, I took pictures of every page that had info, visas, or stamps. I'm nostalgic like that. So, I asked if I could just bring in a photocopy of my passport.  Printed the picture of my info page and met the requirements even though I lacked the documents in hand. I have no idea what I would've done to get a document quickly in order for my hire to finally go through. Always more hoops!!

My first class today was on research methods. I feel like I've now done my schooling backwards. I was conducting research and now I'm in basic level methods courses because I'm starting at the masters level, but I'm sure I'll learn a lot and gain some new foundational understanding within the field of criminal justice. Next semester is the statistics side of all this and I'm geeked to be working in numbers and data again.

Three hours later, one class ended and I was walking into my next class on feminist criminology. I already know I'm going to really enjoy this class. Since I'm really interested in issues around women and incarceration/women and crime, etc - this class will help me with usable theory. Truth is that there's no getting around the fact that makes happen to commit more crimes and more violent crimes than women. However, there's very little research available on the experiences of women involved in the system. I have so many questions floating in my head for potential topics. For this class, my professor expects me to write my thesis proposal by December... And use it to show that I'm ready for the phd program as I apply in January for next year.

It felt great in today's courses. I felt right at home and among colleagues - especially in the feminist criminology course which is all phd students except for myself. I was allowed to engage in discourse that reminded me why I love academia and want to be a researcher and a professor. I asked appropriate questions and participated in group discussion. I felt connected and for a couple moments, I forgot that I was just in prison and that I had been kicked out of this university less than a year ago. I just felt a part of- not different.

It's really starting to click and I'm feeling good about this direction. I wish I could share all this with my friends back at Carswell. I miss so many of them and hate that communication is prohibited. They need to know that life really is possible after release... Tell your loved ones, okay? Please tell them.

6,000 Steps in an Hour

I'm still wearing my fitbit flex. I do not always get to 10,000 steps, but I try. Today, though, was a running errands around campus day, which meant a lot of steps! I must admit, I also walked to the wrong building entirely on the wrong side of the quite large campus as well. Oops. 

I successfully turned in paperwork to payroll, human resources, and the parking office. This means I will receive a direct deposit of my payroll. Human resources can run yet ANOTHER background check on me since I'm moving into a graduate assistant role (not just volunteering). I successfully purchased a graduate assistant parking permit for campus. I also checked out two more books for my classes at the business library.

I think the human resources experience was the most interesting. Instead of just dropping off my authorization for my background check, I asked if I could speak with the woman conducting the check. Instead of my going to her, she came up to the desk, so my conversation was public and two other ladies could hear everything. Taking the "I have nothing to be ashamed of" approach, I said that I have a felony and asked how the procedure would go. She explained it and was very kind. I said something like, "honesty is always the best policy," and all three of them agreed, nodding and sming at me. I may be a felon, but one look at me, and I'm so non- threatening. It left me thinking about felon stereotypes and the felon identity. Am I an "acceptable" felon when some others are not - simply because I don't fit into stereotypes? Does that help me move forward quicker. Do I have privilege of some sort over other felons? 

Is it gender? Race? My baby face? 

If someone asked you to close your eyes and imagine a felon, who would you describe? Does OITNB change people's perceptions of felons?

I've become very curious. Perhaps a research topic is there for me to flush out out...

Tomorrow, instead of walking so much, I have six hours of classes. Something tells me that I may think back to my long walks of today and continue to think about felon identity. Both classes require research papers. I think all that walking today helped me clear my mind enough to be ready for a possible paper topic.

Labor Day

So how does a graduate student spend Labor Day? At the library of course! The campus library was open for five hours today, which allowed me enough time to get lost among the stacks and find just two of the books I need for the semester. I ordered a couple from other libraries and will have to either rent or buy the rest. The textbook industry is big bussiness... Over $100 per book and a new edition every other year!

T.S. had to watch a 1940's film noire classic from the video collection at the library, so I had the rare privilege of being able to be there with her without being an adult "embarrassment" to a teenage undergrad. Ha. It actually turned out to be a nice afternoon. Pb&j sandwiches and all.

I start "officially" working this week. In a couple weeks, a real paycheck will be deposited into my account. 10% of my gross pay will start being paid toward my restitution. I will finally be on my path toward getting off supervised release. I feel as if I've been in a waiting pattern for the last three months, just holding onto HOPE and being allowed to circle the skies praying not to run out of fuel or crash. Now, I've finally landed and I'm able to start the real journey of life after prison.

I don't mind that I spent Labor Day working on school, because I was working and I'm so grateful to have all that I do right now!

Family Picnic

Tomorrow is the annual picnic for my mothers side of the family. Growing up, it meant horseshoes, softball, volleyball, grilled hotdogs and burgers, tons of side dishes and people that I had no idea who they were or how they were related. I was pretty much the baby of the family for a very long time, so everyone knew me, loved to squeeze my cheeks (ouch!), and generally were kind for a few words before continuing their adult conversation with others. It didn't matter, though, I always loved the family picnic.

When I moved back to where I grew up, after spending over a decade away falling into all the devastation of addiction and chaos, I took on an important role. My grandma had always been a main organizer of the family picnic, (along with my aunt) but my gandma's recent onset of Alzheimer's had started to make things like organizing large events difficult and my aunt was having a difficult go with things at the time, so, as I was trying to rebuild my life while living in my parents' second bedroom, I also planned the annual Labor Day weekend family picnic. Luckily, Sporty assisted by finding some great kid activities - like a bouncy house (lots of kids now that the next generation has come along) and sports equipment. It was a success, and for the next several years, I continued to organize our family picnic.

Of course, I had to release the reigns once I left to go to school, although, I did visit and attend the picnic. Last year, I'm not sure if there was a picnic. I never really heard about one. I was in Texas, so if there was one, I didn't respond to the email invitation.

A couple weeks ago, I received an email inviting me over to a cousin's house for a more casual setting for the family picnic. It had always been at a wooded area - often on a lot of land or a forest preserve- so not sure how being in the backyard of a home in a neighborhood will go, but I'm just grateful that someone new took on the leadership and is continuing this long family tradition. My mother attended family picnics when she was a little girl. This goes way, way back.

Initially, I'd hoped to ask to go home for this weekend, and possibly attend the family picnic. Federal supervision requires a minimum of two weeks written request and I had to wait 60 days until I could request (September 1 is my 60 days... Tomorrow!) So, for two reasons, I could not request this weekend. It makes me sad that my grandma's Alzheimer's is too far advanced now for her to go to any social functions outside her assisted living community. At least my parents will be there - our side of the family will represent.

I'm not sure I would've found my niche at the family picnic. I often find that I just have so little in common with many members of my family. I suppose recent experiences may make me a bit more interesting to talk with - especially with the popularity of OITNB - but it's the one subject my mom and step-dad would get incredibly angry seeing me talking about - prison! My switch to crim justice might bring on good conversation, but once again, it could lead back to that topic my folks scowl at me for (not that I care really if they scowl at me... But just saying). So, then I just listen to everyone talk about their lives. Their houses, kids, art, cars, careers, vacations, etc and then I wonder, "I'm related to all these folks how?" 

Well, at least they don't squeeze my cheeks anymore, that has fallen on the now much younger kids. While horseshoes may not be part of every family picnic anymore, it may not be such a bad thing. One year, when I was about 9 years old, my horseshoe hit my sister's ankle and put her on crutches. She was not very happy with me.

Plus, these days, I define my family much broader than I did when I was young. I do not solely define family by blood... but I still include them as well...

Like, Really?

Sometimes when you are living a reality, you forget how strange it may appear to people outside that reality or even how odd it initially appeared to you when you first saw the behavior until it became normal to you as well. Let's consider fads like wearing leg warmers, crocs, even women working outside the home. 

In prison, there are many of those moments - they have softball teams here? People play pool in the rec? There's a nicely paved outdoor walking path? They have like 100 aerobic videos and only three television we can use to watch them on? If I want to keep Kosher, I better love sardines? A salad bar consists of iceberg lettuce? My 7am call out to see a doctor may result in my seeing the doctor at 3:30pm? I'm in a medical facility and have bad legs, but I have to stand for two hours twice a day to get my pain medications? I am not allowed to touch another inmates nor communicate with them post incarceration, but I can take a amateur picture with them in front of a professional backdrop that I can keep forever?

It's the last one that came up today. We have out of town guests and we were talking a little about my experiences down in Texas. Somehow the subject of pictures came up, so I decided to share the pictures I have of me with fellow inmate friends. The first thing our company said was, "they had a backdrop?!?!?" She was so shocked! Of course this surprised her. She hasn't seen it on Orange is the new Black yet...

I sometimes think that if they actually showed true reality on OITNB, people would say it was too made up. That's the thing about reality. It's often stranger than fiction. OITNB is loosely based on Kerman's experience, but by this point, loosely is an understatement. She was at a camp, OITNB is an FCI (closer to was Carswell is like). That's okay though, OITNB's TV show's intentions is to entertain, and that it does. 

The truth is that very little in prison is entertaining except those moments when the sarcastic part of you can look around and go, "really?!?!" I still laugh at some of the inconsistencies and insanity. One thing that made me laugh was our niece today, reminding me that it's not quite expected that at prison, we would be allowed to purchase tickets to take pics with our fellow felon friends in front of a fancy backdrop.

Blogging

I need to be honest. I almost didn't blog today. I just wasn't sure what to write about. There's the topic of home confinement and expenses that I'm working on from a reader that asked a question, but with the drama of school this week, I didn't finish preparing it yet (sorry!!). So, that one is coming very soon, albeit quite late.

It's like I feel incredibly busy, yet barely busy at the same time. Perhaps it's just my head that's full on information right now. My task list is incredibly long, yet I'm not trying to get every single thing done in an insane amount of time. Accomplishing what I can, making task lists for the future, trying to remain organized, and reminding myself that I want all this, helps.

So, there is really nothing to blog about and everything to blog about. I suppose life's normalcy is a good thing to report, just 3 months post- incarceration. Three months ago yesterday I walked out of Carswell. So many people get stuck, I'm one of the few who chooses to not forget, yet I've moved forward so quickly. Not sure what statistics I'd fit into. I'll probably be reading about all the people unlike myself in my classes. It will be cool to find some research around people who do thrive post incarceration. 

I hope I have many days where I'm at a loss on what to write. Sure, everyone gets writers block. For me, though, it's also a sign that life is good. I'll happily accept that.

My First Real Criminal Justice Class

There are three areas that criminal justice programs tend to cover broadly - policing, courts, and incarceration. To say that I have a real personal insight into each one of those areas is an understatement. So much so far in this first three hour class focused on a system that conflicts between punishing wrongdoers and due process - yet there is so much grey area in the middle. Students didn't question that everyone is arrested before arraignment, yet I sat in there, an example of someone never technically arrested. The discussion in class was lively and I showed myself to be interested, inquisitive, cynical, flexible, and perhaps a bit annoying (who knows). Well, I hope not annoying - it was the first day of the class.

At one point in the class, we all had to sign up to work together in teams of four on issues. Initially I signed up on the restorative justice team, since I am a trained facilitator. However, six of us signed up and we had to limit each group to four. The professor said something about "flipping a coin," and I said that "I don't gamble," to the whole class which made people laugh. If they only knew that my gambling led me to the criminal justice system they so desperately want to work within. In GA the main book (yellow book) it includes that we cannot "flip a coin," so that's why I ended up just saying that I'd volunteer to go to another team. Now I'm on the Sentencing Guidelines team... Yep, I know a bit about that too. I'll be looking at it all from a federal point of view - I think that will be my specialty. Seems, so far, most everyone I meet, works on the state level.  One Prof already told me it is hard to get fed data - that should surprise nobody!!!

I do not have another class until next Wednesday due to the holiday, so I have time to get my hands on some textbooks, start assignments, and get back in the groove. In the meantime, it's a four day weekend for me. Not sure I've been working enough to earn a Labor Day, so I promise to keep myself busy!

Exactly Where I Should Be

There were several moments of pause for me today. Two professors decided that since I am not yet an official phd student in the department, they are uncomfortable with my taking their courses. So, I signed up for two master's level courses. I must always remember that it is a large part of recovery to humble oneself and I'm sure that I will learn much from those courses. My other course will remain at the phd level and I'm also auditing a one credit phd course that was recommended. I'm fascinated by all the people and their interests. Other than the professors, I think I'm the oldest person in the room by a decade or more. That was not the case in my education courses where the phd courses were filled with people ranging in ages from 20s to 50s.

I miss my old cohort. I really enjoyed my friends and now I sit at a table with strangers who I know will become friends. In the master's courses, many students are looking at this University being just a 1-2 year stop for them, so long term roots may not be their goal. I like learning in collaborative environments, so I hope to meet some people who are interested in doing similar.

My campus has various coffee shops in buildings throughout. After my class today, I wanted a chai tea latte, but the closest cafe I knew of was in the education building and I must admit, a knot filled in my stomach about going there today - the first day of classes - likely everyone from my old program would be somewhere in that building.  So, I went to the website, and actually discovered that a cafe was in the building directly next to where my classroom was. So, I went there. Wouldn't you know it, I bumped into an old friend from my old department as I entered? We were always friendly and I see no reason to be any different, so I asked several questions around how he is doing. It felt good and once again, I hope I diffused any initial weirdness. 

The other truth is that I've been waiting so long for the admission answer, I'm the least prepared I've ever been for a semester of school. Just tonight, after celebrating Sporty's bday with a great dinner, I picked up some notebooks and a folder. I currently have three of the twelve books I need to have (trying to get as many as I can through the library, but I'm still locked out of most systems for a couple days). I need to quickly decide how I will handle all the pdf's professors want read, citation software, studying schedule and locations, opportunities for study groups, update on citation style requirements for this particular program, etc, etc. I've always had these issues answered and myself well organized before the start of each semester in the past.

I walked my campus proudly, though, today. I walked out of my car knowing I belonged there. There can no longer be any doubts. My journey is far from over, but I'm at least starting a new path and can't wait to see where I wind up. I may have an F for felon stamped across my forehead for the rest of my life, but I now get to show you all how unlimited out opportunities are despite our pasts.