A House Full of Students

It's that time of year... a new semester of school. It's hard to believe I am back at school again. So many people I started this journey with are finishing their dissertations or working on them. Some have graduated. I am pretty much where I started, just many more classes in and have a lot more knowledge. With a lot of hope, I think I can graduate in 2018. It will be a lot of work, but I believe I can.

It is not just a new semester for me, it is a new semester for everyone in my house. T.S. is back at school as a college Junior. She is consistently on the Dean's List and I could not be prouder. I would be proud even if she was not earning such top grades, but it is nice to see her work so hard and earn good grades. She takes her studies serious and I know that it pays off to work hard. She lives in a real apartment this year with roommates and is starting to learn what it is like to live like an adult. Guess we have done something right in that direction!

Sporty is also a student this semester! She is starting with a graduate certificate in Addiction Studies!! She will earn that in one year and meanwhile she is applying to MSW programs. We are all full-time students in our home now. We figured that while we live in a low cost of living community, now is the time to take these opportunities and we are doing it!

I am still working at my same graduate assistantship with a slight raise. I also am so grateful to return to a teaching/research fellowship I had before I was incarcerated!!! I started last week and it is SOOOOO good to be working with undergraduates again! Right back where I love to be! It is so fabulous because everyone knows my story and they want to work with me. Same graduate assistantship. Same fellowship. I'm just in a different program of study, but I am happy in my new program of study! I loved my independent study this summer and I'm looking forward to continuing on with it even though it is not for any more credit.

We have another full-time student in my household. You have not heard of her before. She just moved in with us from across the country and is a high school Junior. She is bright, talented, capable, and incredibly sweet, but was not necessarily highly achieving in her high school. She is very close with T.S. and we spent much of the summer with her. After a lot of talking with her and her mother, it became clear that she, I will blog her name as PennyB, would not necessarily graduate high school on time if she continued in the school and staying where she was at. So, it was an opportunity to "pay it forward..." PennyB needed a new chance in life and Sporty and I had the space and passion to offer it, we are now the guardians of PennyB.

She moved in last week and things are already going great. T.S. is so happy to have PennyB here and the two of them haven't stopped smiling since her arrival. We have PennyB registered at a top hybrid high school that she will attend 16 hours/week and do the rest online. It is an amazing program that has received the highest marks from U.S. News and World Report. I am here to help tutor and guide her. When I was young, I needed to be mentored. Now, I get to do that for someone else.

Our lives are about giving back, paying forward, recovery, and gratitude.

I had not told my P.O. in advance that PennyB had moved in. Then I did my monthly report and added her name. I was not worried. I knew that my P.O. would just look at it and smile. There's Dragonfly Hazel helping another youth... I hope I do, I hope I do... Here's to a good semester for us all!

I saw this on some social media site and loved it - so I am sharing it here! Live by it!!

Another Semester

Summer semester has officially ended and fall semester starts in just another week. Today grades posted for the independent study I took over the summer. Another good semester. 

I currently have completed 56 graduate course credits at my university - not including the deferred credits toward dissertation and, now, thesis, credits I have taken. The typical PhD program requires approximately 45 or so course credits and then maybe 24 dissertation credits before graduation. The good news is that by the end of this year, I will have already completed a full year's curriculum of the PhD criminal justice program, plus I will have most (if not all) of my required cognate (an additional required 12 credits) complete. So, there is a slight possibility that I may be able to graduate by 2018 (3 years - just 2 after my "official start!"). As long as I take summer courses, set my sights early on my dissertation topic, and do not waver too much from it.

I am also getting back in front of a classroom this semester!! I was rehired into my old fellowship where I am a co-convenor for a college course. We are called convenors because we empower the students to help design the curriculum  for the class. It's a wonderful program to work with and in addition to teaching with it, I will spend a semester doing research as well.

Of course I still have my incredible job, where we work with high school youth, helping them succeed and get into college. It's our 50th year on campus and we are planning a huge alumni event to celebrate. As the data person, I'll be doing a lot of surveys and research studies.

I also need to complete my thesis, redo my my PhD admissions stuff, take my in class and online courses, and spend time with family. 

Luckily, I'm going to take it all just one day at a time and try to not get overwhelmed! Has it really only been a year since I was writing about whether I would be admitted back into school? Waiting for that decision from admissions was agony!

Here I am. As real a student as you can find. Too much on my plate, but just enough nerd to love it! It's back to school time, actually one of my favorite times of the year (excitement for the unknown!).

Two Years

Two years ago today I self-surrendered to FMC Carswell. It feels like a lifetime ago and it still feels like yesterday. I have the two boxes I shipped home from Carswell still with me. The blanket I promised to finish had not had a single stitch added. The books that I had to bring home with me have not been touched. I shared photos with some people and I actually carry most of them around in my school backpack. I pull one out from time to time. I look at Lola, South, Freckles, Appeal, Mama, others... Some are out, some still in, some I don't know about. But it makes me think of them. They are all in my heart. I want to think of them, pray for them. They were/are still important to me even if I am unable to keep in touch.

I recently took the most amazing road trip with Sporty, TS, TS' little sister, and TS' girlfriend. It started with visiting my father who is on hospice. It's just a matter of time, but he certainly has help on a long time. The cancer is now everywhere. I was glad to spend the time with him.

The road trip took me through 12 states. I spent two nights in the state where I had lived and worked for 10 years and where my addiction had reached its peak. It is where my crime occurred and where my sentencing was given. My last three times there were always emotional and I left in tears. This time, surrounded by family, it was a real vacation. I was able to show the highlights of the state and city I called home. I visited with some of the people I still call friends and who stood by me all these years (even in the courtroom when our other friends sat on the other side) and my tears were of happiness.

I also learned something - some people who sat on the other side of the courtroom (not all, but some) have started to understand that I do have an addiction and that my behavior was not to harm them or the community. Learning this was huge to me as while I know that other people's opinions don't matter, I never had intentions to hurt others or especially my community or the organizations that I was working with!! I was sooo irrational and lost in my addiction at the time. I thank god every day that I have not placed a bet since May 5, 2008. I hope to make a difference for others to help them stop earlier than I did so they do not go down the kind of path I did!!!

I also received a message recently from someone associated slightly with my old school program. They apologized for a message they sent me prior to prison saying that they never wanted to interact with me again. They had heard the gossip and at the time made a judgement based on it. They asked me for forgiveness. I did not hesitate. I hope you will do the same if people who may not have understood your actions and may have hurt you ask for forgiveness. Remember, we hurt people and we want to be forgiven, we need to do the same back. Also, no one knows anyone's full truth. No one knows yours and you don't know theirs. Peace comes when you allow forgiveness in your heart!!!!

Two years and I’m still in school, but still have three or more years to go, a lot more calm, and close to being off supervision I hope. I still believe in paying it forward. I have not been able to hold up to everything I wanted - like keeping in touch with folks - but since I'm studying criminal justice, I know I'm going to help make a difference! 

I'll never forget that day. Survivor dropping me off. The hugs. Releasing everything to her. Knowing she would sit in that parking lot. Trying not to cry. The drive to the prison in the van. Going through processing. Meeting South. My first meal. Fear. Unmatched shoes. A bra too big. Tight undies. A view of the whole housing unit from my bed. Standing count. Sleeping "on" my made bed instead of in it. Fights. Noise. Light. Stairs. Appointments. Boredom. Confusion. No pillow. No change of clothing. And that was just the first day...

What Current Prison Policy Means to People Like Me

People are being released from prison. Obama has commuted some sentences, but even moreso, people who were sentenced under mandatory minimums are starting to get their sentences reduced because Congress passed laws that took a new look at drug crimes. Ten years for a non-violent drug offense really is too long behind bars!!!!

So, what does this mean for people like me - people like Freckles? Well, according to my P.O., the federal probation offices are about to get SWAMPED with people getting out of prison who have spent a lot of time inside. They need to reduce their loads.

Every month, a new list of people are being brought before the judge to have their federal supervision ended early. For some, it's earlier than even expected. The federal probation office needs to release the people who are doing everything right on supervision so that they can handle the new caseload. They are starting with people who had LONG federal supervision sentences - like 5-10 year federal supervision sentences (some already serving 4 years without a single violation). Those people are finally being released fully from federal supervision. Ah, real freedom!! They earned it! Still a felon, but not having to ask permission to leave the state, being able to get a passport again, and not having to check-in all the time - well, that is something!

My P.O. says that my name will be on that list soon --- "perhaps sooner than I thought." I was happy to hear those words. I hope Freckles hears those words soon too! I know her supervision started after mine, but still, I want her freedom too. I believe Lola's supervision is to start soon... I hope it doesn't have to last forever as well. As long as we keep paying our restitution, do the right next thing, stay out of trouble (which we were never in before), and give back to society, I think it's a blessing to be able to move forward with our lives.

I'm not sure when my name will be on that list and sent to the judge. I'm just grateful to know that one day, soon, I will be able to pick up the phone and tell my dad that I'm going to visit and not have to worry about getting permission for the trip.

Hi. It's Been A While.

Why have I not been writing? No good excuses except that I intend to start writing again now, so let me catch you all up with what is going on. Maybe you will understand a little bit. I say no good excuses, because excuses are just excuses, if we want to do something, we will make time to do it!

I'm working on an independent study and my thesis. I have to admit, my thesis has taken a back seat, ever since I was told to stretch it out for another year. My summer independent study has been interesting and I enjoy working with the professor.

So, in all of the, I never wrote when on July 2nd, I reached one year of being off BOP custody!!! Had I been on top of this blog, I certainly would have! I mean, that is a really big deal! One year free of custody. One year of my federal supervision. I guess to celebrate, I went to a beautiful lake town on the 4th and saw the most amazing fireworks!!! Only, I wasn't thinking about the fact that I was one year free. I wasn't thinking about the fact that July 4th was my original date of release. I had my family with me and I was enjoying the moment with them. I guess that's what one year of freedom brought me - a chance to be in the moment!!!!!

Very Interesting Article!

Why Orange is the New Black Differs from Women's Federal Prison

7 Years

Seven years ago, I walked into my first gamblers anonymous meeting. My parents begged me not to go at the time, fearing I would be admitting my wrongdoing. For me, I knew it was the only answer - GA or death. I could no longer live with the person I had become.

My last gamble was in May, 2008, but my anniversary is my first meeting after my last gamble because that is the start of my journey of recovery. Stopping gambling is not enough. I had to change my thinking, understand the underlying addiction, and meet with others who understood what I was going through. June 9th started me on my path. I have not looked back.

Seven years has significance. Not so much in the program, but in the number "7." I'm not talking "lucky number 7." That would be dangerous gambling talk. But in Jewdaism there is signifince to the number 7, and I thought I would share some of that as I considered my GA anniversary and it's important milestone for me. I also think about the fact that I'm just days away from starting my life as a married woman in this 7th year of my recovery...

Much of what I'm about to share, comes from an article written by Rabbi 

Yaakov Salomon (he wrote many more): 

In the beginning... God created 7's.

"Time contains many different entities. Nearly all of them are related to natural phenomena. Days, nights, months, seasons and years are all directly determined, in some way, by the 

constellations. There is one exception -- the week. The formulation of a week seems to be totally arbitrary. Who needs 
it? Let one day just follow the previous one. And why 7 days? The concept of a week and its constitution of 7 days is one that is strictly God-invented and human-adopted. While we may quibble about creation -- how, when, by whom, why -- the world has consensually agreed to the concept of a week."

Kabbalah teaches that 7 represents wholeness and completion. 

After 7 days, the world was complete.

Shabbat is the 7th day of the week.
When a close relative dies, we sit Shiva for 7 days.
On Sukkot we shake 7 species - 1 Lulav, 1 Esrog, 2 willows, and 3 myrtles.
Yitro, the first real convert to Judaism, had 7 different names, and 7 daughters (one who married Moses).
Moses was born and died on the same day - the 7th of Adar.
Our Sukkah huts are "visited" by 7 guests: Abraham, Isaac, Jacob, Moses, Aaron, Joseph and David.
The Menorah in the Temple had 7 branches.
Achashvarosh, King of Persia during the miracle of Purim, held a party for 7 days. 
There are 7 holidays in the Jewish year: Rosh Hashana, Yom Kippur, Sukkot, Chanukah, Purim, Passover, and Shavuot.
In addition to the 613 Commandments, the Sages added 7 more.
There are 7 Noachide Laws pertaining to all humanity.
At every Jewish wedding, 7 blessings are recited (Sheva Brachot).
Each Shabbat, 7 people are called to the Torah reading (Aliyot).
The first verse in the Torah contains 7 words.
Our Matriarch Leah had 7 children - six sons and one daughter.
There were 7 days of preparation for the construction of the Tabernacle in the desert.
Traditionally, the bride circles the groom 7 times under the Chuppah (wedding canopy).
We wind the Tefillin straps around the arm 7 times.
Moses was the 7th generation after Abraham.
Each plague in Egypt lasted 7 days.
In Pharaoh's dreams there were 7 cows and 7 stalks of grain. 
The Biblical contamination period typically lasts 7 days. 
God created 7 levels of heaven. (Hence the expression, "I'm in 7th heaven!")
On Shabbat and holidays, we recite 7 blessings in the silent Amidah.
The world has 7 continents.
The 7 weeks of the Omer correspond to the 7 "sefirot," the 7 behavior traits in which we serve God: kindness, strength, 
beauty, triumph, splendor, foundation, and kingship.
Noah sent the dove and the raven out of the Ark for 7 days to inspect the weather conditions. 
The Jewish New Year of Rosh Hashana occurs in the 7th month -- Tishrei.
There are 7 notes on the musical scale.
We dance 7 circles (hakafot) on the holiday of Simchat Torah.
The smallest allowable dimension of a Sukkah is 7 by 7 handbreadths.
The world has 7 seas.
Joshua led the Jewish People around the walls of Jericho 7 times before the walls fell.
Jacob worked for Laban for 7 years (twice) in order to marry his daughters.
The Holy Temple contained 7 gates of entry.
We recite 7 blessings every day before and after the "Shema" -- 3 in the morning and 4 at night.
The Talmud lists 7 female prophets: Sarah, Miriam, Deborah, Hannah, Avigail, Chuldah, and Esther.
A Jewish servant regains freedom in the 7th year. 
We conclude our Yom Kippur prayers by proclaiming 7 times, "The Lord is God!"
A Jewish wedding is followed by 7 days of celebration.

----////

Okay, that is enough copying of the rabbi's interesting words about the number 7. Now for my reflection. Completeness.

Wholeness.

I will say that I am a much more complete person today than I was seven years ago. I am able to address all areas of my life today openly and honestly. I balance my emotional, physical, mental, and spiritual needs best I can. In recovery, we like to say that it is a road, not a resting place. So, it will never be fully "complete," but in the sense of a 7 that repeats itself, I think this first 7 years has been a good journey.

I have visited three of the seven continents. I shall set a goal to set foot on the other four over the next seven years. Okay, 1-2 may be super difficult to get to, so perhaps my goal will be to visit at least two new continents in my next seven years of recovery and all seven during my first 21 years of recovery (multiples of seven)! I have seen 3 of the 7 natural wonders of the world, I'd like to see all seven- another 7 not already on the above list!

On a more serious note, it also happens to be not 7, but 8, months since my grandmothers passing. we are spending a day in June with relatives at the gravesite doing the blessings over her tombstone and laying her officially to rest next to the love of her life - my grandfather. My grandfather believed in "7's." He used to tell me how important 7's were because he saw me every 7 days (we had dinner as a family every Friday night). 

Today, I privately celebrated my seven years. On Friday night, I will announce it at my meeting. I asked a friend to pick me up a seven year GA coin because I like to carry my anniversary coin in my wallet. Just for me. Brings me a smile. I have my other six. My recovery program counting my days free from gambling and working on doing the best I can one day at a time. I can always do better. I try. 

I still remember day one like it was yesterday. I never want to forget that pain. I never want to ever go back there. In the beginning, God created 7's... Today, he/she helped me reach mine!

Six More Months of Federal Supervision?

I heard back from my P.O. yesterday. We had a nice conversation. He wants me to come in and fill out the travel authorization paperwork again with the details of my honeymoon. I am already authorized for the trip, but he needs to know where I will be everyday and every night. So, we have a date on Friday for me to come in. Yay. I knew he was missing me!

I always want to check in with him when I am doing anything major. He said that it is a good policy. I want to be on the up and up with him as my goal is to not hold anything back and seem to be doing anything weird or funny as I am trying to get off supervision. He appreciated that. I always think the best policy is being an open book with my P.O. so he knows that I am not hiding anything - even if I am just telling him too much... Keeps him off my back.

As for my possibility of release, he said I was too early in asking. I knew that, as it hasn't even been a year. Next month is one year. He did say that they were working on releasing people early just this week, though. He will welcome a call from me after July, though. Not in July, but after... He said, perhaps before the holidays... So, maybe, by December I will be off supervision! He once again said, there is a private process I can go through. I can call my attorney and start a process after a year. That magical attorney that I have on retainer. I explained that I am a graduate student and I will not be having some attorney go to court asking for my supervision to be reduced. I will be asking him to go to court on my behalf. It may take longer, and it is a process, but I intend to stay on him.

He told me to just keep doing what I am doing. Stay going to my GA meetings. Don't be using drugs or get drunk (like I ever do - ha!). Don't get into any trouble. I don't plan on it! Just stay the course and I should see myself off of supervision within 18 months.

So, for those of you facing federal supervision, do the right things. You may not get off supervision at a year, but you will probably get off early. Just do what you are asked to do. I'll keep you updated, as always. Stay clean. Do the right next thing. Take it all one day at a time.

One Year

I've been out of prison a year. In that time, I had the shortest stay possible at a halfway house, a month of home confinement, fought my way back into graduate school, been successful on federal supervision, attended many GA meetings and conferences, survived a wrongful accusation at school, moved, adopted a new puppy, written hundreds of posts, rebuilt relationships, been challenged, grown emotionally, changed my diet, started vlogging, seen a myriad of doctors, laid my grandmother to rest, nearly lost my father again, found strength I didn't know I had, leaned on others, helped others, etc. It has been quite a year!

I've certainly learned what friendship really means. Every relationship in my life has shifted and is valued more. 

I really work on my judgments of others, as I do not want to be judged! I do my best to try to understand first, hearing both sides, except where there is violence. I have a hard time when physical/sexual violence is involved.

I'm also a pretty open book. I tell my story openly. I don't want a double life ever again, so it's just so much easier not fearing the truth. This is me! I am a felon. I am a compulsive gambler in recovery. My job now is to help others like me and pay forward all the advice and gifts given my way.

I still have prison dreams. Not often, but they happen. They are not realistic. I'm okay with them. It's always good to be reminded of where you never want to return. I did not need to go there to keep me from gambling again or from doing something illegal, but going there opened my eyes to a very unforgiving world that few people really understand and so many people get lost within. My hope is to do something about that!

This summer I am doing an independent study with a professor. We are writing a paper around sexuality and gender in the women's prison system. Right now, I am reading everything I can find around transgender inmates at women's prisons, as well as anything academic on same-sex sexuality and relationships. Based on my observations compared to what I'm academically reading, there may be a big gap between what academics think is happening and what really is. Could be interesting to explore further.

So, one year. One year of comfortable sleep. No chasing medications. Driving a car. Work I love. Wearing my own clothes. Money in my pocket. Hugging people when I want. Using a smart phone. Cooking on a stove. Not seeing barbed wire. Using the restroom when I want. No standing count. Not paying for every minute I write on here. Spending time with loved ones. One year!!!

Thank you all for being a part of this last year too! Thank you for continuing to read this blog, and making comments when you do! I love my community and you all are a part of it!!! Who knows what year two will be?!? My hope is that I will be getting off supervision. I'll just take it one day at a time!!!

Grades

Last semester was one of my worst semesters academically since I've been back in graduate school. Instead of A's, B's and C's, my university gives 4.0, 3.5, 3.0, 2.5, 2.0, etc for grades. I've never received lower than a 3.0, well, I received my first and only 3.0 that first semester back - last semester. Whether I'd deserved what felt like a low grade for my work in the class was neither here nor there, it was on my transcript and I was not about to fight the grade. So this semester, with all the drama, the emotional issues, and my health setbacks, plus let us not forget I was in statistics... I was curious about what my grades may be. I wasn't concerned about any 3.0 grades. I knew I was doing okay. Seeing my 4.0s in my classes for this semester, though, truly gave me a smile.

I am not a straight 4.0 student. I never was and I've never strived to be one. I am not and also will never claim to be all that intelligent. I am capable and intelligent enough. I work hard, though.  I was never that student where everything came easy, and it's even harder now because my memory is worse than ever. I will study for days for a test and in multiple ways. My longer term memory is much better than my short term memory.

As a kid, I was in the middle of being an accelerated kid and not. They would promote me to the accelerated classroom because I'd be ahead of the regular classroom, but I'd fall behind the accelerated kids. I never studied hard as a kid. I was not well motivated then.

I have never scored very high on standardized tests. I do alright - high enough to get in to decent schools, but I've never tried to get into the most competitive schools and my scores would have been barriers. Yet, I can tutor people to get great scores, and they do. Always a better coach, than a player!

My average GPA at my undergrad was alright, not great. I had too much "life" going on to fully concentrate on school at times. My law school didn't give grades, but evaluations, I did fine.

Applying to grad schools I've always been very successful, even at very selective schools. That, I believe, has a bit to do with my academics and scores (they open doors), but much more with my essays, resume, and my story of who I am and what I hope to accomplish.

So, what is this blog entry really about? It's about the fact that ultimately grades do not matter. If I am learning or doing my best, I can ask nothing more of myself. I've been given many opportunities in life without a perfect ACT score or GRE score or LSAT score. I've had a less than perfect GPA and still have been accepted to top five programs in the country. This is not to toot my horn, it is to tell you, or your kids, that IT IS OKAY to get a B once in a while or in my case a 3.0 in a class. Your success is based on who you ARE as a PERSON and not on what some numbers say about you. Never give up on yourself or think yourself less intelligent because you don't have perfect grades.

If you always were to get perfect grades, why go to school? School is for learning, not already knowing everything! It's about improving.

Yes. I was happy to see I did well in my classes this semester. They were tough courses - especially stats. Not every semester's grades have been so successful and that's okay too.

An Emotional Year of School

It's my week between classes. The official academic year ended Friday and summer session starts next week. I have a lot of catching you up on. Some you know, some not so much...

I think this last academic semester would have to be one of my most challenging academically and emotionally. I'm sure some of my law school quarters were just as academically challenging, but that was a long time ago, so I don't remember. I can say, that I enjoyed the academic challenge of it, though, and I think I did alright in the end. I should know tomorrow.

I've learned a lot this year inside and outside the classroom. My need for my GA program is stronger than ever. Last week I attended an out of state conference and experienced some amazing fellowship. I had the privilege and humbling opportunity to be both a workshop presenter and a closing speaker. Telling part of my story to a room of GA and GAM-ANON peers gave me so much energy, although I think there wasn't a dry eye in the room when I was done. I'll have to work on that! I need to end in a joke or something! Ha!! I love public speaking...

A year ago this month, I was on a fence wondering if I was going to go home on my home confinement date or not. Every day, I was at my case worker's office for updates. Would I be approved for halfway house? Did they ever get my papers? Right now, I lay in my nice comfy bed and reflect on a tough year of growth, and I am grateful for the experiences. They may not have all been pleasant, but I made my way through them. I did not do anything I am ashamed of along the way. I am doing the best I can at the life being a human. I'm proud to have made it through another year of graduate school.

No More Tax Refunds

Sorry I've been so absent. Between how I've been feeling and our big move, I really have not had any energy. I know I've been bad to you all and I apologize. Today, though, I certainly have something to share that I think others in my position would want to know, so I am writing once again - YAY!!! Plus, I miss you all!

I filed my taxes well in advance of the deadline and anticipated a decent refund, given how little I earned over the 2014 year. It would have been used for the right types of expenses and perhaps some of my restitution as well, although it was not that sizable. Since I already pay 10% of my gross income, I have already paid on these funds. Anyway, after filing, the IRS site went through their typical processing and about 2 1/2 weeks later my taxes had been processed and I was told to expect my deposit on approximately 4/15/2015. Sounded good. Having it right around our move was a perfect time for a little influx of funds.

The deposit did not come, however. It did not come the next day either. The site said that if the funds were not deposited by 4/20/15, to check back. So I did. That's today. This is what it says:

"Your refund has been applied to a past due obligation such as child support, another federal agency debt, or state income tax. The Financial Management Service, who issues IRS refunds, will send you a notice informing you of the reduction..."

Well... okay! Just after my release from prison, I filed my 2013 taxes. I received a refund then too. I was given that refund. I do not know if all my federal refunds will now be held, or if they will pick and choose. I do owe restitution and this is one way to get more funds back, I suppose. I don't know if this is done to all federal individuals who owe restitution or just some of us. I know many people who owe like 10x more than me. I wonder if their taxes are held. I do not know.

I am not angry in the least bit, although it would have been nice to know that this was going to happen so that I was not anticipating a tax refund. I wonder still who receives the funds of my restitution and I wonder how long it will be for whomever it is to receive these funds which will have to exchange a boatload of hands first.

So, if anyone is facing similar, it's good to be aware that you may, or you may not, have your tax refunds withheld. Only time will tell if this is a permanent reality. I'll keep you all informed. This is certainly one of those things that I'm glad I have my serenity prayer for - accept the things I cannot change...

Official Mail from FMC Carswell

It has been ten months since I left FMC Carswell. So today, when I received an official piece of mail from the facility, I was only joking when I said to Sporty, "maybe they are finally sending me back my social security card and birth certificate..." Well, lo and behold, I open the official envelope and what do I find inside? My birth certificate and social security card!!!

The last time I saw those two documents, they were sitting on my case worker's desk in an envelope sent by Survivor. I had seen them on the same desk, in the same pile three weeks earlier. Both times, I reminded her to put it in my folder, as I would need the documents for my release and halfway house. They never made it to my folder. I wonder where they have sat for the last ten months!?!?!? Did they ever make it off my case worker's desk prior to being sent home to me?

I was literally looking up all the details of having to get my new social security card just this last week. I was worried that I may need my birth certificate for my marriage license and I would have definitely need a replacement when I could finally replace my passport. I was lucky that I didn't need my social security card for my current job since I had already worked there in the past, but I wouldn't have been so lucky in the future.

I was told nonstop that I needed these two documents prior to my release. Survivor worked her butt off to get me the documents. She had to send them directly to my case worker. My case worker never did her job with them and I never actually needed them - that's not to say you wouldn't - just that I didn't - and now, 10 months later, I finally have them back. Well, if I'm going to get official mail from FMC Carswell, I'm glad it wasn't them telling me they have a room waiting for me or anything. I'm happy to have my paperwork back. At least they didn't claim to have "lost" it or anything. I guess I officially exist once again!

Prison Dreams

They happen. I had one just last night and they are so very real. I was inside again. I was back in prison. It was a prison dream.

Only, because it's a dream everything is a bit different. People are different. Rules are different. 

In my dream, I had my own room, with a door. I had pictures hanging everywhere, I had recent been on furlough for some reason. I was friendly with an officer. I got permission to keep a "do not disturb" sign hanging on my doorknob. Like I said, it was just a dream!!!! So far from reality!!!

Truth is, pieces of the past deep in through dreams all the time. Sometimes I dream that I relapse. Sometimes I dream that I'm young and running my summer camp again. It's okay to have these dreams. We open ours eyes, and we are where we are, our brain resets to the present.

I find my dream of being in this lax prison of my dreams last night fascinating, though. I suppose it could've been more like a halfway house or prison camp based on how much leniency I was given, but I know I felt like I was in prison at the time of my dream and I was in uniform. I remember the feeling of being surrounded by my people with so many pictures on the walls and door, it was so warm, if not chaotic.

The funny thing in the dream was how I was assessing what I would write in the blog about it all. In my dream I was saying how I was going to write about getting permission to keep the "do not disturb" sign... So I did anyway - yet none of it actually happened - it was just a dream. The only thing that is real is that I actually do keep a blog... I guess my dream knew that!!!

Another Flare

It's been a couple weeks now that I've not been feeling too well. The worse part is the fatigue. Every afternoon I could lay my head down and sleep for hours if given the chance. So, I don't lay my head down. The timing couldn't be worst, finals are a month away, we move in less than two weeks, ... I need to feel good and have some energy!

I need to be working on my thesis. I already feel behind, although it's hard to be behind on a project with a far off finish date, but there is so much to do between now and then. A project of this magnitude needs steady movement. There should never be a "resting" period.

I went to my rheumatologist who upped my medication again, and added yet another pill. I have 10 medications... One that is an injection and I'm just not sure what good it all does. Sometimes I think about starting all over again. A more holistic doctor who will look at everything and we do it one at a time. The problem is that so many medications take pre-authorization and a crazy process with insurance and are like $4,000/month so I should just be glad I'm covered and just take them. But if I feel the way I do, are they really helping me?

My joints hurt. My muscles hurt. I wake up swollen all over. I walk to the restroom like a hunchback. I can barely walk two blocks. I had high hopes that this spring would mimic last spring, and I'd be working out to Jillian Michaels by now.

Many people have it much worse than me and I have a lot to be grateful for, but today I am in pain. I just thought I'd share that. Being in pain is okay though, I know how to work through it, because I will get up, make myself a healthy breakfast, start working, refuse to lay my head down, and put in a full productive day.  Tonight, I will pack some boxes for our move, get some homework done,  and get a good night's sleep. Today, I will just focus on today.

Freckles, RDAP, and Going Home

As I get ready to do my last group with TDAT - that's the aftercare for the Residential Drug and Alcohol Program (RDAP) that I did in Carswell, I'm a little bit in thought about what people have "advised" me of along the way and how I'm glad in some instances I did not listen to them.

As far as the RDAP drug program goes, I was told "don't under any circumstances do it," some prior to self surrendering and others while at Carswell. It's not worth the time off (I got a 9 month reduction and with halfway house my 33 months turned into only 12 at the institution), the program here at Carswell is way too hard you'll hate it and after you release you have to do this aftercare thing - why would you want to do that.  

Well, after my 9 months in the program and 8 months in after care - I'm extremely happy I did it. Another 9 plus months in the institution would've been ok for me but devastating for my family.  The after care is 3 hours of your time per week - in the whole scheme of things not a big deal and I did learn some valuable things about myself and how to deal with others - which in my eyes we can always learn something. Dragonfly Hazel was a big help through all of this - she knew times I was struggling and took her GA experiences and gave me great advice and the biggest piece that helped me every day is that I will not use everything the program throws at me - take what I need and discard the rest. And that's exactly what I did and used it as a huge learning experience.

Why would you go to the HH when it's in the ghetto? Just max out and then you are done with the BOP. That truly sounded like a logical plan - my pre prison self was horrified of even going near where the HH is located let alone having to basically live down there for 5 months before my home confinement date. But again, I'm glad I did it. Think about it - I was extremely afraid and nervous going into prison. I survived and made the best out of a very bad situation. You get comfortable and have a routine so people are uneasy leaving that behind. But the HH is a new chapter, a new uneasy feeling that you too will get over and settle in once again to a routine. The biggest thing that I did not realize while in prison was the toll that my incarceration put on my family. You have it easy in there - 3 hots and a cot so to speak. My husband struggled with keeping everything together with a business and 4 rescue dogs. My sister and mom were horrified that I was going through something like Locked Up that you see on TV. So all those times you call singing the blues and wanting money on your books and being a flat out entitled brat - stop it, you have it easy on the inside. You put yourself there - don't make it any worse on your family than you have to. And being at the HH you have a lot more freedoms than you did in prison - you'll get over the uneasy, horrified feeling (remember I cried my first night there wanting to go back to Texas).

All in all, it's been a ride, another chapter of the white collar girl from the burbs meets prison. As the halfway house peeps call me - Martha Stewart - well, I made it. I've grown and become a better person because of it. Thanks to everyone I've met along the way who helped me grow and become who I am. I've found "friends" in very unsuspecting places - yes even in the ghetto :) And now I'm off - with treats for my group who had endured me for 8 months. I'm sad my friend Vak and Man In the Mirror can't be there with me today - but know they'll be there in spirit. Vak is done and MIM has to work....

----Freckles

---------

Don't worry, Freckles will still be writing updates! I am so very proud of her growth as she has gone through her drug and alcohol program and life at the halfway house. I have never understood why anyone would want to stay in prison longer than necessary. Then again, I too was in for a rude awakening when I was at the reality of a halfway house. We need to change the the way programming happens while people are locked up. Freckles had one experience because programming was available. I had another because it was not. Yet, two women with fraud charges and addiction backgrounds- just different kinds of addictions. Something to think about.

I'm throwing a mini party for Freckles today although she's many states away from me. I'm going to a GA meeting and I'll dedicate my therapy in her honor. I'm not sure how I would have gotten through Carswell without our daily breakfasts. She was my daily laugh, sometimes cry, intellectual, and always confidante. I miss her. I'm so proud of her. Welcome to home confinement Freckles!!!!! You did it!!!! 🎉🎉🎉🎉🎉

Divorced Parents

I always envy those divorced parents who are still friendly and can be friends after the chaos of separation. I have a friend whose parents still spend holidays together. There is her and her son, her mom and step- father, and her dad. Her step-mom used to be there too, but she passed away a few years back unexpectedly. Her mom and her dad are still best friends, but they just were not meant to "be together." Wow, how adjusted is that family?!?

I supposed my family is much more typical. My mom and dad never speak. My dad happened to live across the street and about a dozen houses down from where my mom lives before moving to another state, and my mom never knew he lived so close by. Their spouses hate one another. Everyone bad mouths each other. They complained to my sister and I about one another from the time of their separation until present. Nothing has been amicable.

The hardest part is when there is a celebration or a funereal that forces them into the same place. High school and college graduations they could sit separately, so the difficulty was on my sister and I having to try to make them both happy separating our time in celebrations. Out of town graduations, especially my law schools graduation, got sketchy, due to my step-mom saying something nasty about my mom to my grandpa. Keeping them apart is really important.

We've had a couple funerals lately and after 20+ years of divorce, you'd think things would be calmer, but the stress is still there. Mostly on my maternal side. I think because of protecting my sister, who has not had a relationship with my father in 17 years. Complicated family relationships.

Just this morning I learned that the cancer has spread to his eye and nose. So now my realization is that I don't even know if he will be able to be there and if he is, what kind of condition he will be in. One year ago, I was told his cancer was a death sentence. It had spread to his brain. Then we'd been given so many mixed messages. He's now had it in his bladder, brain, hip, eye, and nose. My poor dad. I love him and I care about him and I pray he will be able to be at my wedding. Most of all, though, I just pray for his health. The weekend of my sisters wedding he asked me if he will be included in my wedding because he wasn't in hers, and I said, "yes," so if that's what he wants then Dad, please have the strength to be here. Most of all, have the strength to FIGHT CANCER!!!!

Having divorced parents that do not get along can be difficult, but I choose to look within myself to figure out what I need to do in my relationships. I honestly understand that my sister has hurt feelings for a reason, my mom does as well. I love both of them. I chose to rebuild my relationship with my father for my own reasons. I will never forget the past, but I do practice forgiveness.

Right now I is the time to practice prayers.

My Lower Extremities

I'm part of a research study. I'm not the researcher, but the one being researched. At the local medical school, they asked for volunteers of people with chronic health issues to pair up with first year medical students so that the students could learn about issues patients face in medical care. It's really cool! I guess I'm one of the more interesting volunteers and much younger than most.

About once a month, two young medical students come over and spend an hour with me. They ask questions, but mostly it's a conversation. I tell them stories of the medical care I've received - doctors advice that worked, bad stories, having to teach my own docs, things like that. This last week, they asked a question that stuck with me, though, what worries me health wise in the future? I couldn't lie. It's my lower extremities.

Prior to my diagnosis and possibly connected or not, I've had six ACL related surgeries on my right knee. The last one was great and my knee seems to be working great, but there is arthritis from all the surgeries and a lack of meniscus. That I can live with.

The real problem is my pain and problems on a daily basis with my lower extremities in general. The worst is from just below my knees to my Achilles and ankles. It's also in my hips. In the past, I've had to use a cane to help me walk. Some days, I'm a good walker, but then I realize that even on my good days, when I think I'm walking good, I'm still limping along way slower than even the slowest walkers. Yet, these are the good days.

So, my worry for the future is that my legs won't hold up. No matter how much I try to stay active, my legs for some reason will not let me. I'm eating healthier. I'm moving more (still wear my Fitbit). I see my doctors. I take my medications. Yet, I'm only 42 years old. If I have this much pain and discomfort now, what will it be like 5-10 years or 25 years from now? I don't want to be in a wheelchair or have to use a walker as a young woman.

Well, that was my answer... But then I came back to reality. Today, I can walk! Today, I don't need to use any aids to help me. Today, I have choices. I had to answer their question and I answered it honestly, but I cannot live in the fears of a future where anything could happen. A medication could come along and make me feel better, I may start feeling like I did last spring again sometime soon (I hope), anything is possible.

Sure there is always fear of the worse to happen in the future, but there are hopes as well. I will concentrate on those instead. For today, I will walk.

Freckles Prepares for FREEDOM!!!

I'm getting ready to enter my last week of home confinement and my last week under halfway house supervision. I release from BOP custody on Monday, March 30th - so I will be at the halfway house at midnight to sign my discharge paperwork and they will fax it over and by 12:05am I will be walking out a free woman. When I first got to the halfway house I couldn't imagine going there at midnight to do all of this - why not wait until the morning? Well, after 8 months of this, I will be there with bells and whistles on before the clock strikes midnight ready to go. Now you may get phone calls after you release, so don't be surprised. Vak got two days of phone calls (midnight and 7am ones) and also a call saying he needed to report or the Marshal's would be notified. So again, nothing can shock me anymore.

I have met with my PO 3 times already. She was the same PO I had on pretrial. She came down to the halfway house the first week I arrived to say "Hi" and see how I was doing. I went down to her office about two months ago and a few weeks ago she popped in. I'm glad that I have her - she has seen me at my worst during pretrial - an entitled, white collar criminal who doesn't deserve to go to prison with a huge attitude. To someone now who was greatly humbled and changed by her experience. She noted the difference and even gave me a hug and was glad to see me. But don't be alarmed if you haven't heard from your PO yet. There is another inmate preparing to release 10 days after me and hasn't even heard from her PO. So again, I don't think there is a specific procedure for them.

I have been emailed some forms to have ready for my PO - she is coming for a house visit on 4/1 to do what they call my "intake". One of the forms is the financial forms - unlike Dragonfly, my monthly restitution was not set by my judge during my sentencing so we now have to come up with that amount and it will start in May. There is another questionnaire that is a psychological behavior based 80 question rate from 1-5 - questions like "I do whatever it takes to get what I want",  "I have helped out friends and family with money that was obtained illegally", "I often have thoughts of hurting myself" - and on and on. Pretty interesting - and again, the one thing this experience has taught me is don't give them too much information - it can sink you. To me, the past is my past, so if I did help out friends with illegally obtained money, so be it - I'm basing it on who I am now or what I would do now which is none of the above including "thinking it's okay to break the law in certain circumstances" - because yes we've all done it - something as simple as jaywalking or speeding because we are late. Am I telling her that - heck no.

I had my last one on one with my caseworker at the HH. It's amazing how now my weekly "notes" in my case file are getting more detailed and much longer. I've had to sign a form stating if I applied or didn't apply for healthcare now that I'm leaving BOP custody. I've had to provide past phone bills that they have misplaced to verify my land line for home confinement. And a survey on how my experience at the HH was. Yes they will get their survey along with an attachment detailing out things they need to hear and a copy will go to the Regional CCM. I have paid my last subsistence, I do get paid again on Friday the 27th, but they will not see that since I'm done. Time does go fast - so I'm now getting ready for another chapter and enter the probation stage. But good news, of my 36 months my PO said likely I will release after 18 and it does not matter that I will still owe restitution it's based on you and your behaviors, so keep your nose clean and fly under the radar at all times - it all follows you out of prison and the halfway house.

-----Freckles
________

I pray that Freckles finds her initial time of freedom wonderful and serene!!! Congratulations Freckles!!! Keep up the good work!

I also hope my PO sees it fit to release me from my supervision after 12-18 months, as Freckles' PO is inclined to do for her. As you can read between Freckles' experiences and mine, there are so many differences just between our two. You can't base anything on someone else's experience. Just go about doing your best and hope for positive outcomes. 

The Real Rock Bottom

In Alcoholics Anonymous they call it the Big Book or sometimes the Blue Book. I think NA has a similar book. Most 12 step programs have some book of readings that are used at most of their meetings. At gambler's anonymous meetings we have a much thinner yellow book that we call a combo book. We also have several more books and pamphlets available just like other groups have. Almost all our meetings include readings from our combo book. Page 2 of that book talks about compulsive gambling and is read at nearly every meeting I've ever been to. The last line talks about how the "depths of our misery are fathomless and many pursue it into the gates of prison, insanity, or death..."

I always think about my gambling and how I was right at those depths with my own actions. My thoughts were no longer sane. I went to prison. I was nearly dead... Just four days from my planned suicide when I was caught (my Devine intervention).

Tonight I learned of yet another suicide by a GA member. I believe it is the third I've learned about since my release from prison. There is no real rock bottom from any addiction - except for death. That is the ultimate price of addiction. At that point, there is no further damage possible. I'm so saddened and affected by each person that I hear about that takes their life from this devastating addiction. Most I hear about have families. Young children that grow up not knowing why suddenly their parent is gone. Spouses in disbelief and with the heartbreak and the financial issues caused by the gambling. People have so little understanding of this addiction, how can we help those left behind?

When in the grips of this illness we can only imagine that gambling will be our solution to our problems. A big win will get us out. That is our sickness. Gambling is both the cause and our irrational solution. When it cannot and does not work, we dig deeper and deeper into trouble and find ourselves so lost and cannot imagine a way out. Our irrationality and inability to solve our problems lead to even bigger and riskier problems. It's a spiral effect that none of us ever imagined we could or would ever find ourselves in. 

Yet, in recovery, we find that there's practically nothing any of us did that someone else in the rooms didn't do. It's the addiction. Once in recovery, we are really different people. We are able to think and act rationally. As long as we can and do stay away from all kinds of gambling one day at a time and work our programs of recovery, we are able to live healthy, happy lives. 

Unfortunately, some people are not ready for the program. I always say that you have to be ready to surrender and be willing to truly give everything to recovery. My way got me in trouble, so I was a sponge to recovery. When we lose someone who takes their life, it just takes me back to how close to me that was. Just four days. It would have been May 15, 2008 if I had done it. It wasn't a particularly special day, it was just the day I chose. I wouldn't have been known by the GA community because I would never have been to a meeting. I would just be another statistic of a compulsive gambler who took her life. However, they probably wouldn't have even have known me as that. They would have just highlighted my crime and said it was due to that. Everything else about me would have been erased.

Tonight, I mourn for the brother who took his life and the others who we may or may not know about. If you are in trouble or even if you are not but ever consider suicide, please know that it is not the answer. I'm proof, as well as so many others I know, that life does go on. There are low days but they get better!!! Reach out to someone if you need to. We are always here for you!

If you or someone you know has a gambling problem, there is help - 1-800-GAMBLER

Suicide Talk Line: 1-800-273-TALK

You Applying for a Job?

Every month or so I make my way downtown to the federal building and go through my pockets to empty myself of all possible metal. I take off my fitbit flex, my necklace, and my jacket. I take my license out of my wallet and hide my wallet in my car somewhere. I search for quarters for the meter. I gather the papers I need and walk to the building. Inevitably I forget that I still have my cell phone or something else forbidden on me and walk back to my car, open it and put that inside, then make my way back to the building. I hand my license to the nice officers behind the metal detectors and then wait for them to tell me to step through. I always set them off. It's always my bra and/or my pants that sets it off. I never have avoided the individual wand and sometimes the pat down. It's okay. I stand with my arms out wide. I know this drill. At least I don't have anything on me that I have to put back in my car. Some people do. For those that take the bus down to the building, they are really out of luck, they won't hold your phone or wallet or anything else for you and you can't bring it in. No purse either. No backpack. No pen. Just your papers, just your i.d. Don't forget your i.d. or you will not be allowed in. There are rules.

I get past security and I walk up the pretty winding staircase to the second floor. I wish I had my fitbit flex on, at least then I could count all these steps for my day. Oh well. Doesn't really matter, does it. I think about it every time, though. It is the quietest building every time I walk it. Nobody is ever in the halls of the federal building. At least not on the second floor. I know my way. Walk partly down the hall, turn left. Walk that hall to the end. Turn left. Walk to the end. The door on the left says "come on in." I do. It's a small waiting room with a window and the same secretary behind the plexiglass every time. I usually have no appointment. My P.O. usually is not in. Turns out he is out of the office all this week. Not surprised.

I sometimes wonder if I am an easy or a difficult person on supervision. I know that I am not someone who they need to worry about doing drugs, alcohol or crimes. I mean, those have to be the most difficult. But, I am not low maintenance. I keep needing to request trips out of the state and leaving the jurisdiction is not forbidden, but it is not encouraged. I can't imagine that too many people travel as much as I have during my first 9 months of supervision. I hope it doesn't discourage them from seeking my early release from supervision. I did bring with me my letter of admission for my PhD program with the funding decisions so that is a good thing to counteract all the requests. Hopefully, that will go in the "good" file. Ha.

So, as I am in the office filling out the mounds of paperwork, a guy comes out from the office of another P.O. and sits in the waiting room. He looks at me and says,"where do I know you from?" I don't recognize him, but that means nothing. He could have a kid in my program where I work. He could work somewhere I shop. Who knows? I say, "I don't know." He then asks me if I am filling out an application to work there... He immediately assumes that I am not a fellow felon. "You applying for a job?" He asks me.

I want to say something about the fact that I am hardly dressed for applying for a professional job, but I just look at him and I say, "no, I am a felon and I am filling out my paperwork..." He looks at me funny and says, "you got in trouble?!?!" He just can't believe it. The way he emphasized the "YOU" was like it was not possible. I said, "I am just like you, nothing different..." I went back to my paperwork. He smirked and got up to do his urine sample in the bathroom. He probably has to do them far more frequently than me. I've done only two since I've been out. Most people in supervision do them at least monthly - some weekly. Most have a history of drugs and alcohol, though. Only thing they will find in my urine test is a combination of the ten prescription medications I take on a daily/weekly basis for my chronic health issues. Not very exciting and nothing that they test for.

The guy came out of the restroom and looked over at me and told me to have a good rest of the day. I told him the same. He smiled at me. I think I demolished his stereotype of a felon for a moment today. Funny that even other felons have the same stereotypes of what we look and act like. We come in all shapes, sizes, genders, ages, looks, races, etc. We are your neighbors, friends, teachers, bus drivers, cleaners, hair dressers, realtors, bankers, attorneys, doctors, jewelers, cashiers, photographers, artists, accountants, taxi drivers, homeless, parents, children, grandparents, bosses, etc. Break your stereotypes of what a felon looks and acts like. Some people are career criminals, most are not. Some people move beyond.

The Arts, Education and Prison

Spring break has come to a close and today was a long day of work and class. Mondays start for me in the office. Then I go to a short seminar. Then I head to a residence hall where my work holds our weekly tutoring session with the high school youth. We have students in several classrooms throughout the hall so I do a lot of running around. It's always exhausting by the time the day is over. Yet, very rewarding. Today I was talking one on one with youth about their schedules for next year and the importance of maintaining a rigorous high school curriculum for college admission. High schools don't necessarily require four years of math, science, language arts, etc., but we do. 

There are some students, though, that schools fail. I don't think the students fail- it's the schools. Often, I believe, these are the students who are creatively inclined, but not necessarily academic. There is one young person I currently work with that is like that. They are an incredible writer. I've read their poetry and even heard their spoken word. They have incredible talent and something worth saying. They are also incredibly smart based on my conversations with them. However, they can not seem to pass a single class - no matter the subject. They are not getting in trouble in school, they just are not interested. Their passion is elsewhere. School must have lost them a long time ago.

This student makes me think of so many of the incredible talents I met at Carswell. I am not saying that this young person will go to prison, I am saying that too many people in our prisons are people that our schools failed. They are incredibly talented souls - true artists in every sense of the word - but somehow were lost in the traditions of schooling. 

As an educator, I think it's vitally important that all our children receive a well rounded education. I also believe that we cannot allow any student to fail simply because the curriculum fails to take into account the reality of different learning styles and talents. Creative souls can learn. They may just need to learn in different types of classrooms and with educators who understand people who think outside the box.

If we want to find a way to lower the number of young people in our prison system, we need to keep them in school and learning. In order to do that, we should consider the fact that our educational system simply does not cater to all our students well. Those with money and in wealthy school districts may have options that help them find options to better meet their needs, but not everyone has those resources. 

Obviously, there are a lot more issues than just those I've mentioned here on this topic, so I will get off my soap box, but I just wanted to write about this. There are many things I never imagined I'd see in prison and one of them is the incredible art and talent of so many young, incarcerated individuals.

Halfway House Time (by Freckles)

Another great Freckles adventure:

How much half way house time does one get? And does this time include my calculated home confinement? This is a question that seems to have no answer. The BOP has a strict policy on home confinement and an exact calculation of "10% of your sentence, not to exceed 6 months" - so that's the no brainer part of the equation. And before I go into the half way house time, no they do not budge on your home confinement date - there was a lot of "inmate dot com" buzz while I was in Carswell about how the HH will release you within 72 hours if you do this, or you can get home early if you do that. Well, hate to burst the bubble, but probably won't happen. Yes I asked, yes we went to BOP, nope was not allowed....and it also seems to be the "norm" that the institution includes the HC time with the HH time they give you. I will use an easy math calculation with a sentence of 30 months - you will get 3 months HC and when they tell you you're getting 9 months HH - you are really only getting 6 HH and 3 HC to equal the 9. So don't think you'll get 9 plus the 3 which is 12. That's probably how it's suppose to be - but again, even the policy is "vague" enough so nothing is concrete and in writing to help the inmates advocate for themselves.

How much HH time is "normal"? Well, with BOP as you will learn there is no normal and there is no standard as to how this is done. I've just reached my 7 month mark of being at the half way house and am on my last month. I have seen so many people come and go - with such a variety of HH lengths. There have been people that were there when I got there and will be released after I leave - these people got 12 months. Most of these people did the RDAP drug program. There are people that even did the program that only got 6 months or less. And in the case where the person got the "or less" - they had to extend out her "max date" so she could complete the 6 month TDAT program. What a shocking surprise to her when her max out and HC date switched - she wasn't notified until she met her case manager at the HH, the institution gave her a HC date of March "no matter what" they said, but in reality with her max date being extended, her HC date will be May. Not a happy camper. But I was also in the program with people that did not have their HH extended to the 6 months to complete the TDAT program - so again, I think this is done on a case by case basis and believe it or not you have a lot to do with how they handle your situation - so as one CO always said "stay under the radar".

So as you advocate for your HH time - know that 12 months can be given and it is given, but tread a fine line when advocating, you can push them "over the edge" which can result in disaster for you. When I was at Carswell even people in the program were only getting 6 months - that was just what Carswell did I was told. They would not ask for more nor would they allow you to even challenge or talk to the warden when you wondered why? Frosty for example was at a men's prison and when he challenged the 6 months and did talk to the warden it almost ended in disaster. The warden approached the person who was dealing with Frosty and said that it's the warden's decision to decide if someone should get more HH time. Well, next time Frosty met with him he was told that "his paperwork could get delayed" ultimately resulting in little to no HH time - so as always, they beat to their own drum. In my case I had to be my own advocate. You need to start pressing the issue - I started when I entered my 2nd phase in RDAP - and was about a year out from my HC date. Needless to say - it was a huge run around, my case load was transferred, but in the end they did ask for 9 months (a July release right after graduation) and I ended up getting an August release which gave me just under 8 months (odd number of days) - which I'll take. I think mine had something to do with my "time served" - it was very coincidental that I left the institution on exactly my one year mark and arrived at the half way house on my 1 year 1 day mark. But again, no one could answer why - and even though someone does know why - I will never know. So I left it as "everything happens for a reason" and moved on and quit trying to find answers.

So know what's out there - what people are being given and how to go about getting it for yourself. No one in prison is going to give you anything unless you ask for it. You yourself are your best - and most likely only - advocate. So start early, know the trends, what's been done at your institution in the past, what's done at other institutions - knowledge is power and sometimes will work to your advantage.  Keep you head up and don't get discouraged - nothing comes easy in the "system" - but we all will get through it.

- Freckles

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As always, Freckles provides much needed prospective on life in the HWH and this experience of trying to maximize time in the HWH and in home confinement is no different. We all know how much running around I did to get myself out of Carswell and Freckles was on my heels. I think she may have set a record for getting them to budge from the initial time they were offering her to what she actually got because of the research she did and her self-advocacy. Life in a halfway house is no picnic, but being close to home, working, seeing family and friends, and starting to earn time at home really makes a difference in your life. Thanks Freckles for another great update!!!!

The Unstructured but Productive Week

As spring break comes toward its end, I can report it has been very productive.

It's been hard to maintain my new healthier eating habits and my body is reacting to the influx of "other" in my system. Between headaches and gut aches, I've decided to start another round of the Whole30 when I get back home this week. I suffered one of my worst migraines in months this week after trying to eat healthy out. There's no way of knowing what the food that brought on the headache was, but the migraine started before we even left the restaurant so I'm sure it was connected. I can't wait to feel healthy again!

After getting back home, I have to meet with my PO and I'm not sure how happy he will be. In May is a regional GA conference that I have been asked to speak at and I would like to. He will enter things into the computer and make notations and I will sit quietly and every so often he will say something and I'll nod my head or answer and then I'll get my response an hour or longer later. It's okay, though, because all of this is worth that and I can jump through these hoops- they are not too high and I at least know what the hoops are, who I need to talk to, and the process. It's a big difference from my experiences on the inside!!

A New Car

Knew that title would get your attention. No, I did not purchase a new car. Sporty leased a new car yesterday. She knew the kind of car she wanted and what she wanted to spend, but like me, anytime something financial is about to occur she gets a little nervous.

I'm not sure if I've mentioned, but I'm pretty sure I have, I met Sporty 6 1/2 years ago in GA. Like me, she was devastated financially, as well as in most areas of her life. Like me, she surrendered to recovery and has done an incredible job rebuilding nearly every aspect of her life. I'm incredibly proud of her. We were not ready for a forever relationship when entering GA. We couldn't even take care of ourselves, with hard work we are now in totally different places.

This doesn't stop us from getting nervous every time we need to qualify for any type of financial product. When gambling, most gamblers ruin their credit either during their gambling or immediately after when they find themselves with so much debt there is no real way to climb out except the long, hard way. Credit scores often plummet and then there's a long road to credit recovery. Which is good, because it is a reminder of the damage we did to ourselves.

Sporty and I sat quietly as the car dealership went and ran her credit. We knew that all the numbers already presented to us meant nothing without qualifying. ALL WAS GOOD! Yay! Unlike so many that have to go with high interest loans and subpar lenders, Sporty was approved for her financing at a low interest at the lowest monthly payments possible. That's a true sign of continued growth and recovery. 

It doesn't happen right away on the first round of things when you enter recovery. The last car was at a higher rate, but was paid off in due time. This all takes time and patience. People who want all the good things in life without any work on their part will live beyond their means and get right back in debt. It's important to live within a budget and plan accordingly. 

I am just proud of Sporty. It was a celebratory day yesterday. Plus, I had the good fortune of driving the new car for part of the ride back to my parents house. It's a great car. Here's to many happy and safe years in the new car. It is a true beauty.

The Realities of Change

It's not until we are within difference that we can actually see that life has really changed. As you all know, I love my family. I love my mom. I have struggled with my relationship in the past with my mom, but I have always loved her deeply. In recovery, it has been much easier, as I stopped with so many expectations and just started being her daughter. I started getting to know my mom for who she is, and I started to let her know me - for better or worse.

The good news is that over the past several years it appears to be for better. My mom and I have developed a good, honest relationship. My honesty may not be what she is used to, but she seems to accept it in me. We enjoy our time together. We can spend entire days together and have good conversations and not run out of things to talk about. These are things that we didn't do in the past. We just had nothing in common. I never felt as if she wanted to spend time with me.

Today, mom and I spent the day doing real mother/daughter stuff. At the end, we were still happy, talking, and enjoying one another's company. It means so much to me. It shows how much I have changed and how much our relationship has grown.

When I started my recovery journey, I never knew that it would change every aspect of my life. I only thought that I had a gambling problem... a financial problem. Reality is that addiction starts from  somewhere and in the end affects every aspect of our lives. Recovery, amazingly, can also affect every aspect of our lives. There is very little about my life that looks the same as it did when I gambled. I'm the same person, but who I am, how I look at things, and especially my relationships with others, are all different. Today I am grateful for my relationship with my mom.

Spring Break

So far I have been to a GA meeting, visited with several GA friends, spent time with my mother, walked a mall, taken a nap, fixed my parents computer, gone grocery shopping, watched four episodes of Parenthood, had brunch with my step-grandfather, and watched tv with my stepdad. My first two days of spring break are going pretty well!

I'm really not used to having so much free time. I feel like I should be opening my statistics textbook or writing my weekly reading summary. I've been balancing so many things, I didn't realize how much I needed a breather. Even my thesis can wait a couple days. I just want to concentrate on me and my health.

For the next two days, I will be with Survivor. I just look forward to some unstructured time with her. We don't get enough of that. It's her birthday today - Happy Birthday Survivor!!!!!

All the people I've spent time with these last couple days have said - "you seem really happy." I really am. I still am. All those ups and downs I write about have nothing on my overall serenity. I'm really good. Life is good. Once you stop looking for perfection and start being grateful for everything in your life, it's so much easier to be happy.

The Broken Anklet

I've worn it for about 14 months or so on my left ankle. It was yellow and blue and made of a string that was lighter on one end and darker on the other. I remember sitting in my bunk and choosing the strings and deciding which pattern I would follow to make the end product. It likely took me about an hour or a bit longer all said and done. I finished it off with a special slip knot so if I had to it could quickly be taken off my ankle. These are not allowed at Carswell, although I made them frequently for others and so did many other people. Bracelets often were confiscated, anklets were safer, because when in uniform and outside our units, they were under our socks. Once I put mine on, I never took it off. Not once. It may have been made of string, but it was something I made and it was a symbol of my individuality. When I walked around my unit in shorts and fake crocs the officers could see it, but others had them too, they were of little concern as long as we were staying out of trouble.

Once I was home, I looked at my anklet all the time. It was starting to fray. Things like this do not usually last beyond a summer at camp (the place I learned to make them). It was stretching out. I kept trying to make it tighter. I made the decision that I would not take it off until Lola was home. When I made the anklet for me, I also made anklets for Freckles and Lola. Freckles is home. Lola still needs to come home. I don't know if she still has hers.

I write of this because it broke off tonight and I'm very upset. I know that Lola has at least a half year yet before she could possibly be going to her HWH. I know the anklet was just a symbol, but I looked at it every day and said a prayer for Lola. I will still do so, but I wanted that connection. I may try to tie it back on tomorrow if I can. It's no longer pretty, but I do not care about that.

I left Carswell 9 months ago. Wow that's as long as I was there. I have not seen Lola in almost a year based on when they moved her. It may have been a long time ago, but I don't want her to ever think that just because I am out and she's still there, I am not thinking of her or that I do not value the friendship she gave me. I may not be able to be a great friend to her due to BOP guidelines, but I will find ways symbolically to stay connected.

The Monthly Report

Like clockwork as it is set to do, I hear the ring - beep, beep, beep... I look to my phone. It is my monthly reminder that my supervision report is due. I also have to pay my 10% restitution based on my gross income for last month. Snoozing the alarm is not an option. There is a deadline and I do not intend to miss it.

The first thing I do once I make sure I am on my computer and ready, is bring up the document I have that gives me all my logins and passwords. Everything is on government websites and none of the logins are easy to remember or changeable. I put everything in a safe and secure place that I know to look to when it's time to do my report and payment.

I usually do my payment first, because I will need to provide the amount in the report, although as long as I know the amount, the order does not matter. Some jurisdictions allow for online payments and others require mailed in payments or allow for phone in payments. Your PO may not actually know. Usually the website for the clerk of the court you were sentenced in has the answer or you can call and ask. My PO lets me pay after the month is complete, that's a conversation to have with your PO about when they expect payments to be paid.

Once I know I've made my payment, I log onto the website for monthly reports. Every federal person on supervision is using the same website so make sure you have a decent internet connection. It is not the most advanced technology.

The questions are pretty basic and most answers are kept from month to month, so I only have to edit changes - even my financials stay in there. I always have to edit the end balances of my bank accounts. I suppose that's a way to ensure we are paying attention. I mean most people wouldn't have the exact same balance in their checking month after month. I had to put in that I had to pay a parking ticket that T.S. got when she parked my car one day. I entered the amount I paid in my restitution. Most months that is the same - 10% of my graduate assistant stipend.

I always review the full report before hitting submit, nervous that I missed something or wrote something incorrectly. I just don't want to do anything that could misrepresent the truth. I haven't had any trouble with my reports so far, but like so many other rituals within the DOJ, I have no idea if and how they are used.

In a month I will likely be packing up my house, just days away from moving to our new digs when I will hear those beeps reminding me that it is once again time to do my report. I will sit down next to my computer, pay my 10% and fill out my report. This time I will need to ensure my PO knows that my address is about to change. Other than that, most answers will continue to be the same. Most likely, of course. The monthly report. The reminder that I am still not free.