Maybe this is Harder than I Thought it Would Be

I'm one week from the end of my first semester and I have to admit that it's been a struggle lately. I've pulled two late nights in a row to ensure projects/papers are complete on time and I will barely get a chance to breath before I have to cram two more papers and preparation for a huge final exam over the next several days. I don't remember it being this physically demanding and stressful before I went to Carswell. It got me to thinking, maybe there really is something to the need to take things slowly once out of prison.

I came out and jumped right in, didn't I? I worked so hard to get myself back in school and put myself on the fast lane so that I can get officially into the doctoral program within a year. I'm tired though. I didn't think about my need for more balance. I hate that I don't feel as if I am communicating with my friends and family as much as I wish I were. All these incredible people did so much for me which I was away and I barely have the energy available to send a note or even a text sometimes. If I had this last five or so months to do over again, I would have chosen to take only the required 6 credits and eased myself in a little bit. That would be my recommendation to others who are just looking to get their lives back to ordinary as fast as possible.

I also notice that I think about everyone I met back at Carswell a lot, especially now during the holidays. They were certainly unique relationships, but so important to my sanity as I did my best to get through the realities of day after day there. As I've been reading, learning, and hearing more first hand accounts of life at prison camps, where most people with crimes such as mine are imprisoned, there is no real comparison to the world in which I and my fellow inmates had to endure. It was a short part of my life, but the affect may take a long time to wear off.

In just a week, this semester will be behind me and I will have a month to be working, starting the analysis for my thesis, and preparing my application for the doctoral program. I will also have opportunity to really catch up on the news - just watching for a moment about the most recent death in NYC of another black man caused by police use of force makes me glad I am entering a field where I may be able to be part of the solution of a major criminal justice issue. In fact, one of my own professors is on tonight as an expert on many news stations. One day I will be a professor and perhaps I will have something to say one day that will not be about my own experiences, but rather about helping and changing the lives and experiences of others.

In the meantime, I need to just take it all a day at a time, accept that this won't be the best semester of work I've done, but I will have successfully completed another semester of school and be closer to my goals. Sometimes it is hard to remember that we need to be kind to ourselves and not expect too much from ourselves, especially when we are already at a stressful state of being. Truth is, I am still happy, I am still so very grateful, and life is a journey and I'm enjoying the ride.