Timehopping and Forgiving My Former Program

I was looking at an application on my phone that has me look back at this day in time and "repost" things to facebook if I think they are funny or interesting, etc. It's called "timehop" and is a fun phone application to see how far I've come. At most, it looks back about 5/6 years, as that is how long I've been a facebook use. Crazy to think how much our lives become used to using something - kinda like I can't believe I've only been writing in this blog for 1 1/2 years...

Anyway, I was reading this day in history and four years ago, I visited my University for the first time. I was visiting my old program. They had a weekend planned for new admits to 'sell' us on the program and the University - and I was sold immediately. It was the "community" I noticed first. I was paired up with a 'buddy' who answered all my questions. The community went out at night for dinner and shmoozing. The faculty were really approachable. Of course, the opportunities offered were one of a kind as well. I kept comparing every other place to here. I knew where I wanted to be.

My next time hope post, a year later, I posted, "It was this weekend last year that [my University] and [my program] just blew me away... Let's do that for the visiting admits this year!..." and that night, as the person now volunteering to do all the evening get-togethers, I posted a reminder for the current students to come out and meet the new folks for a schmooze fest at a local restaurant/bar. It was one year later, I was part of that community that I hailed so much as why I wanted to attend this school.

Most people avoid the conversation with me about my former program and my admission being revoked while I was incarcerated. I mean I am back in - ce la vie. Many of the people I started my journey with are actually graduating this year with their PhD! They will all be gone from our community before this summer. I rarely bump into anyone I know from there, even though we are on the same campus. It's a large University. It's not a conversation I want to avoid, though, and here's why...

I was a part of that community, and to me, I was a valuable part. Everyone who is part of a community is valuable. Where I think my former community failed me is that they never let me have a voice. I was never given an opportunity to speak and tell my story. Decisions were made based on rumors and a lot of one-sided media. I think that is very unfair. As someone who was a part of their community, who volunteered for all their events, who represented them without fail and did an acceptable job at research conferences, who earned acceptable grades in their coursework, and who offered to be honest (but was told by faculty to remain quiet for now), I deserved a chance to be heard. That is where I still felt hurt.

However, I work a program of recovery. In that recovery, I need to practice forgiveness. I also believe that things do happen for a reason. Had I not been kicked out of the program I was in, I would not have found my new program. I never thought I would be passionate about criminal justice, but I am and I am excited to be connecting my education knowledge with criminal justice. Education gave me the tools and preparedness to take on the challenges I have being in a very rigorous program now. I know that over the next 4 1/2 years or so, I will see many more faces of my past program and I look forward to doing so, because I miss many of them. They were mentors and teachers that I admired and continue to do so. I forgive because I have no knowledge of what really occurred behind closed doors. I never will. So, I am practicing forgiveness right now. I am where I need to be. Today, I forgive all the faculty of my old program and also wish well all the students who are moving on to their new lives in the near future. They are truly an amazing community of scholars.

As for the University, I know that they did not follow protocol in dismissing me, but they've done right by me ever since and I'm proud to attend such a great research University. I've said since the day my admission was revoked that I will walk across that graduation stage, and I will. No one around me will know the exact journey that had led to that day - and I'm sure there are other graduates that will have overcome some hefty trials as well. As always, I am not unique or special. I just have a lot of hope and I will persevere!