Back to Prison

I hope the title of this post did not give you a heart attack. Tuesday I visited a large men’s state penitentiary as part of an Inside-Out workshop. Inside-Out is an AMAZING program in which professors teach courses to half college students, half prisoners at the same time. The college students travel to the prison weekly to attend their course. Faculty facilitate a learning process on a topic of interest in a very active and engaging format. The prisoners and students are held to the same standards and receive college credit.

This program absolutely blew me away!! It encompasses so many of my passions: teaching & learning (pedagogy), transformative education, corrections, compassion, and hope! The men at the medium/high security prison displayed incredible leadership, passion, intelligence, humility, and kindness. I’ve known for some time that I want to be certified as an Inside-Out instructor, but now I know that I MUST do it! My next step will be to try and advocate for the funding from my school to help pay for the cost of the training. If at all possible, I hope to do the week long training next summer. Here’s more information on the Inside-Out prison exchange program: http://www.insideoutcenter.org/about-inside-out.html

So, I can’t just write about the program without a true reflection of the first experience I’ve had walking into a prison since my release three years ago. To say that the minute we were driving past the rows of barbed wire and then walking through the prison’s front door flooded me with emotions is an understatement. I suddenly was back to my day of self-surrender where I walked into prison with my personal clothing and brought into a small room and ordered to strip. This of course did not happen Tuesday. It was the first time I entered a prison without having to “squat and spread ‘em.”

Although a different prison than Carswell in nearly every way - men, size, age of facility, traditional prison cells, etc., some things were very much the same. Our group was nearly 60 people and we buses to the prison from our criminal justice conference. We were to arrive around noon and spend 12-4:30ish in the workshop. As you know, though, prison is a lot of “hurry up and wait.” We had to wait in the lobby for over an hour and a half as the institution was running their own schedule and then count took longer than expected. Hearing about count took me right back inside during one of the many counts that didn’t go quickly. I would stand for one count, then another, and another, my feel and legs hurting but no choice but to comply with the COs standing count rules.

We entered the prison lobby where many visitors also stood. Amazingly, this prison allows visitation 6-7 Days per week!!! My group’s privilege immediately apparent as we took up every seat on the lobby benches while visiting prisoner family members were forced to stand and wait.

Once permitted to enter beyond the lobby, we signed in where a C.O. talked with us with respect and another put a visitor wrist band on us. It was still hurry up and wait, as we each had to get our hand stamped and then put it under a black light. The female C.O. joked around with me about our short height resulting in my having to get very close. Did I ever have a C.O. joke around with me and laugh with me when I was a prisoner?

We then each went through the metal detectors. Like at Carswell, many items were forbidden - underwire bras, food/drink, digital watches or fitbits, revealing clothing, bags/purses, etc. While my visiting family and friends had to go through similar processes, I never did prior. Above the metal detector hung a wood sign that said, “Safety is not Convenient.” It took nearly 30 minutes for all of us to move through the entry process.

The workshop was held in a large room that seemed to be a very old auditorium. There were rows of seats facing a stage and a large empty area where chairs were arranged in circles. Inside-Out does nearly all their activities and education in circles.

As we entered this auditorium, approximately 15 prisoners greeted us with introductions and handshakes. They seemed excited about what lay ahead for the afternoon. We were informed to take a seat in one of two circle of chairs, facing outward. In front of each set of chairs, was one chair facing them, the Inside-Out prisoners sat in those chairs. Then one of the prisoners took leadership and ran us through a great ice breaker where the leader gave an incomplete sentence and we each had to give our thoughts/answers for filling in the blank. “The street sign that currently defines my life is_____”, “the future of the justice system looks like ______”, ... there were about ten rounds and a different prisoner sat in the chair facing mine after each question. What a great way to meet so many of the prisoners and get to know them through their answers.

Most of the rest of our activities were in smaller groups of about 7-8 people. Each group was led by one of the prisoners. Activities included identifying the values of a just system, creating a model of a transformed criminal justice system of the future, shared dialogue, and much more. By the time we had to leave after 5pm due to the late start, everyone in the room was transformed. Connection was built as we shared ideas of restoration, wellness, education, Love, compassion, and much more. The depth and intellect of the inside-out prisoners far exceeded anything I witnessed in carswell. Many of these men were lifers, yet they maintained hope, were lifelong learners, displayed incredible teamwork, showed respect for one another, and valued this opportunity.

Interestingly, I of course wanted to observe the prison staff. Although a medium/high security prison,there were three C.O.’s with us throughout the afternoon. They relaxed in the distance and paid little attention to the community building occurring between the prisoners and our group. One C.O. Was on bathroom duty, because only one person could use it at a time. Now this was something I was used to - asking permission to use the restriom. With permission, I had to walk up 1 1/2 flights of stairs to a very old room with supplies and a sink. A heavy door that did not fully close or lock had the sign “visitor and staff restroom.” Everything in the bathroom was aged and sad. I never thought about the fact that in some prisons, even C.O.’s have below adequate facilities. In the case of this prison, though, a new prison is currently being built down the road and this very old building will no longer exist within a year or so. Everyone will be moved. I imagine the prisoners and staff look forward to the change.

I was told by program staff that I should not mention my criminal history to anyone associated with the prison. You all know me, though, that rule was defied as soon as I met one of the male prisoners who asked a question that either required I reveal or a lie. I revealed in the end to about 3 of the prisoners in private conversation. I did not to the C.O.’s. The prisoners were my peers, and I still saw the staff as my enemy. There was a bond I immediate felt toward the men in prison garb, me aware of my privilege of still wearing everything I wore from the free world. One prisoner wore a crochet hat. I let him know I liked it and he said it was contraband. Another inmate made it. Yeah, I understood that. The underground market.

The ability to sit with other prisoners and share stories of similarity and difference was incredible. At this prison, the men can purchase is commissary a flat screen tv for their cells, tablets without internet for music, writing and reading, hot plates, and many other items unheard of at FMC Carswell. In fact their email system is that the men write their emails on their tablet and later plug into a station which downloads them and sends them to the institution to be processed and sent. I can’t even imagine how many more blog posts and how much more detail I could have written during prison, if I were able to do the writing offline first without time limit or cost!!

What an amazing program and amazing day! http://www.insideoutcenter.org/

Using this Blog Again

I have decided to write from my Carswell experiences again. I am writing about being a lesbian in prison and my observations around gender and sexuality. I feel many researchers miss the mark about the complexities of same-sex relationships in women's prisons. Of course, I am just one person and I was in just one prison. Therefore, it is impossible to have generalizations based on my experiences. At the same time, my experience is important and can add to our general understanding of these issues. I will present on this in November at a national conference. I fear that I may come across as too judgmental about what transpires in these complex prison relationships. I am not judgmental at all of how and why women engage in these relationships, it is more the unsafe, unhealthy, and inconsiderate behaviors that I have personal opinions about. I hope to somehow get across in this research that the culture of same-sex intimate relationships in women's prisons is a very important experience for many female prisoners.

It's been interesting reading and reviewing my blog posts on these issues. I read them and feel like I'm right back there in prison. It's been three years, yet the memories are still very vibrant. I am so grateful to have this blog to refer back to, though, people are still reading it. It is still relevant.

I can honestly say that had I had a much longer sentence, I could see myself at some point even defying my early assertions that I would never be in a prison relationship. I do not think I would have allowed it to become intimate, but the culture of same-sex relationships is very strong and everyone wants to be loved. At the time, I was single. I can't imagine I would have chosen to act in any way that could have gotten me in trouble, more time, or put in the SHU, but would I have developed feelings for someone - quite possibly. I am queer and I was surrounded by amazing women.

Had I had such an experience, how would it have been similar or different than those women who are not LGBT in the outside world? I do not know. I do not have the data to know how or why it may be similar or different. I do know that my observations at the time were very much of women taking risks and I am not a risk taker. I abide by the rules, for the most part, and do not have a need for "action." Sneaking around, having sex in public places, asking people to be "look outs," these are behaviors far outside my comfort zone. No matter how long I was in prison, I do not think I would have done any of that.

So, perhaps I would have had an affectionate relationship with someone. I cannot imagine that I would have had an intimate sexual relationship.

So, it will be interesting to write this paper. It's initially for a class and will also be presented at that conference I mentioned. I'm hoping it adds to our general understanding of women's prisons and the relationships that form within them. Just wanted to share with anyone who chooses to read.

Resiliency

Hello community! I hope this post finds people well. I am now a 2nd year PhD student and have some exciting news... I've been awarded a fellowship to study gambling motivated crime at another University - including a month long residency - which will occur next summer. I finally almost feel like I may be on the right track. I never feel 100% adequate as a doctoral student, but the research I am doing is exciting to me and I feel may make a difference for many people in the future.

Why do I feel like informing you all of this?

It is because I am continually trying to use my experience of having an addiction, being in recovery, and the incarceration as an asset, rather than a detriment. Wouldn't it be amazing if people coming out of prison/jail automatically felt that they gained something positive from their experience that could help them in the future? I certainly do not feel everyone should have to experience being incarcerated - especially given the experiences I had. However, we all face so many things that potentially could stop us from chasing our goals/dreams. It is resiliency that helps determine whether these experiences inhibit us or not. While for years "hope" was my word, for the last several months, I have been focusing on "resiliency."

How did I become a person who appears to be resilient? I'm sure there is a lot of research that shows we develop resiliency when we are young. There has to be an underlying belief in yourself. Interestingly, I do not believe I have had very high self-esteem generally throughout my life. However, I often had people who stepped up as mentors and advisors when I most needed support that assisted me with finding solutions to major problems.

For example, I almost dropped out of college as a Sophomore. I was totally lost. I entered college as a theater and film major, but by my sophomore year, I experienced horrible homophobia in my theater department (and in other parts of my life) and was also unable to afford the costs of film and supplies associated with a film major (this was the early 90's - nothing was digital). So, I had no idea what to do. It was an academic advisor and a couple other women in higher education roles, that took me under their wing to ensure I did not drop out. I actually somehow had a semester of being a full-time student without ever entering a course. My credits were based on other experiences offered to me on campus (I was making a video for a sports team, keeping a journal from some leadership experiences, etc.). I could not have been resilient, found a new major, and ultimately graduated my undergraduate institution without this support.

While I often refer to the experiences I had in prison in trying to get out as self-efficacy - an academic word for one's belief that they have the ability to succeed. Perhaps, much of my experience was actually resiliency. I have many people to thank for helping instill some resiliency in me. I think this is why I often say that I am not special or unique. I am just the culmination of the experiences I have had throughout my life. I am sometimes proud of myself for the resiliency in my life. Sometimes, I doubt myself. No concept is simple. Just thought I would share!

Are you a resilient person?

Presenting in Mexico

So, I presented on you again. You being this blog, this experience, this time of my life that now feels forever ago. I am at an academic conference in Mexico City. Had I not gotten off probation early, I would not be here, as I would not have been allowed to apply for a new passport or travel internationally until after July 2nd. Today's presentation was on Collective Efficacy in a Women's (prison) Medical Center. It stemmed from my thesis. I presented with the most remarkable panel of scholars and felt inadequate. I received very positive feedback, though, and was once again encouraged to get this published (academic journals). It's interesting how unique people think my scholarship in this area is, when in fact thousands of women experience what I did on a daily basis and could write this as well. The truth, though, is that few scholarly articles really reflect the realities of life in a women's prison (especially federal and almost nothing on medical facilities). If my writing could help change correctional policy for even one woman, it's all worth it!!

I feel very grateful that I found the way to maintain this blog while in prison. The ability to read some of my experiences really puts any turmoils I currently have in perspective. I mean, if I could survive Carswell, I could survive anything, right?!? I recently celebrated 9 years of being clean from gambling and GA recovery. I went to dinner with two women from my GA group and it was perfect. Fellowship is one of the most important parts of recovery for me.

Here in Mexico, I've felt very alone. I did not travel with anyone here, and I find myself always having difficulty with networking. In fact, today was the first real meal I had with someone (5 days here) and it was a fascinating person who was on the same conference panel as me. Just that one lunch, made me feel so much better. I even went to 2 group conference activities earlier in the week and fails to talk with anyone. I'm like the most introverted extrovert you ever met!

I thank god, though, that even though I was alone all week, I still work a strong program of recovery. It turned out the Airbnb I was staying at was less than a block from a Mexico City casino. I haven't been that close to a casino in years. In our program we know that "caught off guard and under the right set of circumstances" anyone could relapse and gamble again. It's continued attendance and service in GA that helps us be able to make healthier choices. So, I never once even considered entering that casino - even though no one would ever know. For me, just one bet would take me right back to the person I was over 9 years ago. I never, ever, want to be that person, that addict, again. Having paid the huge consequence of being in prison and having a felony for the rest of my life is a constant reminder how low my life could get if I ever placed that first bet.

I learned today that one of my sponsees was just sentenced to about 21 days in jail. She has faced incredible public backlash for her financial crime related to her addiction to gambling. Without that backlash, the prosecutor was recommending probation only. Due to public outcry, she will spend 3 weeks in jail. It may sound insignificant that it is "only" 3 weeks, but I remember feeling that Kay one day was too much! If you read my first 3 weeks in prison, it was overwhelming and fearful. I can only send her prayers and hope she knows I'm thinking of her, because as of right now I do not know where she's been placed. Once I do, I will write to her and visit her when I return to the U.S. from Mexico. I know she read some of this blog prior to sentencing and I can only hope it gave her some insight into the fact that in the end, things will be okay! I just wish I could give her a huge hug right now! Instead I will ask all of you to send her your prayers, and I will give her the pseudonym Peace, because that is what I wish for her!!

I also received news that my first cousin is in hospice. She's barely 50 years old. She's a lovely person too. Cancer :-(. I always had these intentions to spend more time with her and she did me. We always said we'd visit one another, and meant it. Life got in the way. Never let life get in the way of spending precious time with important people. You never know when they may leave your life too soon. One thing I know, though, is she will be one of those dragonflies that Survivor always tells me about - those who have passed and look out for you after. She will be a beautiful dragonfly! I hope to see her before she goes. I want to share one significant experience I had with her. When I was 9 years old, and she was already a young adult, she took me to see E.T. It was the first time we spent time together just the two of us. It was also one of the first times I saw a movie without my immediate family. I fell in love with E.T. and had such an amazing day with my cousin that I still remember it 35 years later. She was one of the first people who talked to me like I mattered. I was more than just a kid, but I had thoughts and she wanted to hear them. Please also send your prayers to her, and I'll call her Drew because Drew Barrymore was so amazing in E.T.!

I'm still not sure as to the purpose of my writing in this blog these days. I hate to fully let it go, though. There have been times when this blog was my best friend and gave me purpose. I could not have survived prison in the way I did, without this outlet and connection to others. It does not get a lot of readers these days, although we did recently surpass 100,000 page views!! Thank you!!! Without readers, this would merely be a diary. I hope I continue to find ways to enlighten, provide humor, and help those that are facing what feels like the end of the world as they know it - prison!

It's Been A While

So, where is my life today.

The post I should've written many mo ths ago is that I was released from Federal Supervision about 10 months early. I kinda knew my P.O. was trying for it, but then I didnt hear from him for a while. Suddenly in the mail, I received official documents from the court that I was released two weeks prior. I was shocked!! No more monthly reports and no more requests for travel. I was free. I do still pay monthly restitution. There's no one telling me to, but I know I owe it and I wouldn't want to find out what happens if I don't pay.

The best part of being free is receiving a new passport, which I did last month.

This upcoming summer I have been invited to present a part of my Master's Thesis (Self and Collective Efficacy in a Women's Prison) at a conference in Mexico City, and I can go!!! I can leave the country if/when I want (except for Canada of course).

I'm almost done with my PhD coursework. I have two semesters to go. Then I'll be doing my comprehensive exams and working on my dissertation. I am doing a pilot research study this summer looking at the consequences (especially legal ones) of compulsive gambling. I am also doing research on transgender prison policies. I have a diverse portfolio. 😄

I have been helping a couple women in GA that may face similar consequences for their gambling as I did. I just keep reminding them to take it all a day at a time, attend meetings, and it will all be okay in the end. Next month will be three years since my release from FMC Carswell. I'm in touch with Freckles and Lola, who are both doing great as well. Life keeps happening, but we are all able to face the ups and downs.

I guess some people get out of prison and try to never look back. South is likely one of those people. I, however, feel that my experience has informed my life in many ways. I need to work to make the prison experience better. I need to help reform our criminal justice system overall. I need to advocate for better understanding of addiction motivated crime. Research will help me do that.

As a researcher who has been to prison, I am officially a part of convict criminology. I don't love the name, but the people are pretty great. They are former inmates like me who use their prison exoerience to inform their research priorities. It is noce to attend conferences for criminal justice and have the support of other former inmates who are also graduate students and professors. My master's thesis fit well within this genre and I am going to try to publish some pieces of it over the next year or so. I am totally a nerdish grad student. Many of my collegues know little to nothing of my past. Many of them know a lot. I do not hide from my past and try to use it as an advantage. It is not always easy, but I always try.

My hope is to graduate in 2019. If I were not kicked out of my original program, I would likely be graduating this year. Traveler is doing just that and I am super excited of her life to come. I will miss having her living in my same city. T.S. is also graduating next month. Her four year's of college life are ending. Despite all our family drama and my absence from here while in Texas, she is graduating with honors. She is an exceptional young woman.

Sporty and I recently gained custody of T.S.'s little sister. She is 12, so we will not be empty nesters anytime soon. Given where my life was just a couple years ago, it is amazing to see how things get back to semi-normal.

I am still at the same job I had prior to incarceration. My Director had my back, even knowing the truth. I was promoted last year into a major role. I am resigning this summer to focus on my degree and research. I have a research assistantship that will carry me through to graduation.

Health-wise I would like to say things are better. They are not. I'm on yet a new biologic medication and have another new diagnosis. I take it all as it comes and hope for more good days than bad. It has not been good lately, but I know it will get better.

I kinda miss the reality of a daily blog. Not sure what I'd write about anymore. My life is rather boring now. I guess that is the best result of the chaos that existed from 2013-2014. Be well all!

This is one of my favorite sayings, nit sure if I shared it before, but here it goes anyway:

Two Days We Should Not Worry
Author Unknown

There are two days in every week about which we should not worry, two days which should be kept free from fear and apprehension.

One of these days is Yesterday with all its mistakes and cares,
its faults and blunders, its aches and pains.

Yesterday has passed forever beyond our control.
All the money in the world cannot bring back Yesterday.

We cannot undo a single act we performed;
we cannot erase a single word we said.
Yesterday is gone forever.

The other day we should not worry about is Tomorrow
with all its possible adversities, its burdens,
its large promise and its poor performance;
Tomorrow is also beyond our immediate control.

Tomorrow's sun will rise,
either in splendor or behind a mask of clouds, but it will rise.
Until it does, we have no stake in Tomorrow,
for it is yet to be born.

This leaves only one day, Today.
Any person can fight the battle of just one day.
It is when you and I add the burdens of those two awful eternities Yesterday and Tomorrow that we break down.

It is not the experience of Today that drives a person mad,
it is the remorse or bitterness of something which happened Yesterday and the dread of what Tomorrow may bring.

Let us, therefore, Live but one day at a time.

Oh Canada... (felon permission to travel to the True North)

If you are like me, you may have thought that once convicted of your felony, your travel days to Canada were officially over.

As someone who has always loved Canada (growing up in the Midwest put me within hours of a border at most times). I love the French language of the east coast. I love the beauty of Brittish Columbia. I love the ability to cross a bridge or a border in my car and be in another country in less than a half a day from I-90/I-94 (which pretty much run the length of the U.S.).

However, once convicted of my felony, I believed that it would be an unreachable country into the future, due to laws that forbid felons from entering. My birthdays of being in Whistler, Canada and trips to Montreal for a change of pace would be something of past memories. My family would still be able to go, but I would be stranded on this side of the border - no Alaska Cruise that "happens" to stop in Vancouver. No academic conferences that happen to be in Toronto or Calgary.

I happened to mention these issues to another PhD student at my school, who happens to be from Canada. We were talking about a conference I cannot attend, because it will be in Canada. She informed me of a couple ways for U.S. ex-felons to gain permission for travel into Canada. The shock that turned into a smile was fathomable as I started to realize that "for now" I may be unable to travel North, but perhaps not "forever." Just like my program of recovery, we have to live in the day and I do not know what the future will bring, but I have a new HOPE that I will once again travel freely and legally to a Country I happen to love.

So, of course, I wanted to share this news with all of you. 

The best way to get permission to travel to Canada is to fill out an application (http://www.cic.gc.ca/english/information/applications/guides/5312ETOC.asp#5312E4) that you have been rehabilitated. The application is something you do in advance and pay approx. $200 to find out if they will approve you. You must be 5 years post-sentencing (including probation) - or 10 years for major offenses (ones that could carry 10 years of prison time). You need to show that you have been rehabilitated and are not likely to offend again. This is done through sharing a lot of documents asked by the application (http://www.cic.gc.ca/english/pdf/kits/forms/IMM5507E.pdf) Documents include: court documents, sentence completion documents, a criminal clearance document, state police and FBI documents, and more. Does this sound burdensome? Yes. Is it worth is? Once deemed rehabilitated, you would be free to enter/leave the country any time. Keep in mind that it can take up to 6 months for a rehabilitation application to be approved.

For those that want it to be simpler and do not plan to travel much to Canada, they can "take their chances" at the border - in a legal way. If you bring proof of rehabilitation to the border (http://www.cic.gc.ca/english/information/inadmissibility/rehabilitation.asp#a2) you may be assessed right there for entry. Immigration officers at the border do the assessment on site.

"You are eligible to apply for deemed rehabilitation at a port of entry if:

• you only had one conviction in total or committed only one crime
• at least ten years have passed since you completed all sentences (payment of all fees, jail time completed, restitution paid, etc.)
• the crime you committed is not considered a serious crime in Canada AND
• the crime did not involve any serious property damage, physical harm to any person, or any type of weapon.

A request for deemed rehabilitation is not guaranteed to be approved.
If you think you are eligible, be sure you have these documents if you travel to Canada:

• passport or birth certificate plus photo identification
• a copy of court documents for each conviction, and proof that all sentences were completed
• a recent criminal record check
• a recent police certificate from the country where you were convicted and from anywhere you have lived for six (6) months or longer in the last 10 years."

It is still a lot to collect and travel with all these documents, but it may mean that you do not have to cross Nova Scotia or Victoria Island off your bucket list.

Everyone who travels to Canada from the U.S. may need to meet some requirements. It used to be so easy to just drive across the border and show your driver's license, but now it is a little trickier:

• "have a valid travel document, such as a passport,
• be in good health,

• have no criminal or immigration-related convictions,

• convince an immigration officer that you have ties—such as a job, home, financial assets or family—that will take you back to your home country,

• convince an immigration officer that you will leave Canada at the end of your visit, and

• have enough money for your stay. (The amount of money you will need can vary. It depends on things such as how long you will stay, and whether you will stay in a hotel, or with friends or relatives.)

You may also need a:

• medical exam and

• letter of invitation from someone who lives in Canada."

Oh great Canada, I am sure I will see you in person again!

Lifting the Fog

Anniversaries, birthdays and special days generally mean a lot to me. For example, today would have been my dad's birthday and marks two years of my freedom. My release from Carswell 2 years ago yesterday but it is the 29th that is the first day I did not wake up in a prison. Today I woke up and reflected on the past two years of how my life has changed, how I have grown, and how things in some ways are not so different. Mostly, though, I am thinking about the post-prison release fog that I was initially under and wondered where I may be in terms of my recovery from the experiences of living within the prison environment.

In recovery, we often talk of the fog that newcomers to our rooms experience at first. It is only with time away from our addictive behaviors and working our recovery program that the "fog begins to lift" and we see/hear the voice of true recovery start. The newcomer will often share things they didn't realize they were doing while in the throws of their addiction due to their irrational thinking/ behavior. They will start to put pieces of their behavior from that time together into patterns and start to understand how the addiction controlled so much of their life beyond just the acts of the addiction - chasing highs, financial woes, withdrawal, planning the next action, lies and hiding behaviors,... addiction consumes one's life and is progressive in its nature. It can take weeks, months, and for some, years for the fog to fully lift on all the ways our addiction hurt ourselves and the lives of those around us. Staying in recovery, talking about it in our rooms, counseling, and being honest, is the way our heads can clear fully from the fog to see our behavior and actions for what they were and recover fully.

What I've realized in these past two years is that time in prison, no matter who one is and the reason for the imprisonment, results in a similar fog. The day to day reality of prison life, with fears of the unknown, survival instincts at their highest limit, emotional abuse from prisoners and staff with little recourse, sights/sounds that no one should have to witness, policies that make little sense and can change without warning, overcrowded quarters, and the loss of the comfort of friends/family/home, results in prisoners undoubtedly needing a little support upon release. The fog prisoners, such as myself carry, includes emotions such as shock, fear, and anger. Even more so, though, we do not have easy outlets (like 12 step recovery programs) to work through how we may be feeling.

When living in prison day-to-day, a prisoner is not necessarily able to see the full picture of what prison life looks like from the outside or how all the little things add up. The concept of becoming "institutionalized," is often talked about, but it is not hard to understand that in order to survive in prison, it is practically impossible to stay 100% away from all the ways prison changes a person for the worst. I walked into prison and within the first week stated, "I am here for myself only...," yet found myself doing for others in ways I never imagined I would (even if it meant I was pushing up against prison rules). I swore I would not be part of the underground prison market, yet quickly learned it was truly the only way to survive. I knew no prisoner who did not at least 'purchase' through exchange of commissary goods some other goods or services through the underground market. I witnessed drug transactions, drug use and abuse within 2' of where I laid my head, saw innocent people blamed for the acts of others and did not speak up, saw domestic abuse and did nothing, became friendly with a woman who chopped her husband into several pieces because he cheated on her, sat at tables and talked with admitted child molesters for hours, snuck food out of the chow hall, and quit a job I loved because I was unable to stand up for myself against a woman bullying me. These are just a few of the experiences I had, and some I never wrote about for fear of what could happen to me from staff or other prisoners. Each day, these things were not as impactful on me as what they all together did even as I only served a short sentence. In many ways, I became institutionalized because I no longer was myself while I was in prison and the longer I was there, the more it felt familiar and the more I came to accept the unacceptable as normal.

Once out of prison, I could not just "jump" into life. Most ex-prisoners do not have to. We face the reality of halfway houses, come confinement, extended probation/supervision. Even as I write of freedom, I have my federal supervision which limits me still. Perhaps I could have been free of that by now too, but my health over the past 6+ months resulted in me not completing the large packet that must be filled out. I plan to complete it very soon and regardless my 3-year supervision will be over within the next year. Will freedom feel any different than now? The only real changes will be not having to ask for permission to travel and I will not have to complete a monthly report online. Perhaps I will set a goal to be off by the end of this calendar year. I like goals with dates.

The real reason I could not jump into life was not due to the Feds' restrictions on me, though, it was the fog. While I could get through my days, I was trying to get back to the life I had prior to prison (I was already in recovery so I am not talking about the life I had that led to my being incarcerated). The fog did not allow me to see that I was no longer the same person, even though I was still a good person and wanted some of the same things in life, I needed to work through how prison had affected me. I needed the fog to start lifting so I could start to put pieces of my time in prison together into patterns and start to understand how that time changed so much of my life beyond just how I thought about it day-to-day. I needed to be able to let go of the fears and learn to accept and live honestly about the trauma I had just experienced. We may be prisoners due to our own past mistakes, but that does not make us any less human from experiencing trauma and being victims ourselves.

Unfortunately, there is not a recovery program for recently released prisoners. In fact, after having built so much comradery with people who understood deeply our pain and fears with other prisoners while inside, we are suddenly cut off from them all and told we are never to have contact with them or anyone else with similar experiences again. It is exactly the fellowship of people who understand because they have gone through a similar experience or are having a similar experience that makes recovery programs so strong. Not being able to have that to recover from the trauma of life in prison, can result in depression, unhealthy behaviors (addictions), and back to the behavior that led them into prison in the first place or to violate their parole (revolving door due to the comfort of prison life).

Often people after prison will choose the decision to leave it all behind. South was one of those people. She was pretty clear that she would go home, pick up her life, and not talk about the experiences. She never kept in touch with anyone from what I know and I pray she is well. What worries me about people who choose to stuff the experiences is how secrets of traumatic experiences can eat away at us. If we are not open and honest about what happened to us, around us, etc., the trauma can come out in different ways (think military soldiers who do not find healthy ways to cope with combat experiences). Of course all people are difference and all prisoners have differing experiences, but based on what I experienced, the lives of those I met while at Carswell, and my criminal justice studies in the last two years, I really think it is openness and honesty with friends, family, and especially other people who went through similar experiences that helps lift our fog and leads us toward healthy decisions and a new life.

One thing that has helped me substantially is my own writing. Not new writing, because I obviously have failed to write as often as I used to, but my old writing from the time of my incarceration. I was able to add to this blog some of my letters that I wrote home as well as some important notes that I wrote while in prison and brought home with me. I added them to the blog on the days they were written. The blog posts and those additional letters/notes are the data for my thesis. It is very non-traditional to use a blog for a thesis, even more so to use one's own. I do not believe there is any thesis of a former prisoner who provides a hypothesis based research study off of data from a public blog maintained while they were in prison. My hypotheses are looking at the existence of self-efficacy and collective efficacy in women's prisons. I additionally look at whether prison staff influence self or collective effacy in a positive or negative way. Finally, I consider whether specific prisoner identity factors affect self or collective efficacy.

If you are curious, for my thesis, those words of self and collective efficacy mean:

Collective efficacy: shared social expectations that lead to control of social space to reduce tension, crime, etc.

Self-efficacy: people are able to produce what they hope to accomplish through their own actions and make appropriate behavioral decisions. This is based on the person’s ability to cope, put in effort, and sustain adverse obstacles without defensive behavior

Through my work on my thesis, I have been able to look back on my prison experience through the eyes of a researcher, as well as relive some experiences. Sometimes, I am shocked reading about what I wrote or sad that I did not include what I wish I could have (such as the full experience and effects of the Christmas night raid). Simply keeping my blog put me on alert and that reality, even today, is something I will never forget. I am grateful for this opportunity to look at the experiences published through this blog from an outsiders point of view, even if I lived them, as they are helping me continue to life my fog, even two years after my release.

I strongly suggest for anyone who is newly released from prison, that they find a healthy outlet to release their full experiences. Holding them in will not help them in the long run. Honestly will free us of the pain and help set us toward true freedom.

8 Years

Mother's Day, 2016. This week marked my 8th anniversary of my "Devine intervention" - my last gamble, getting caught, coming clean with the people around me and myself, stopping my impending suicide, and beginning the path that would start my road to recovery. My life has certainly moved forward a long way, looking back I was in a place of believing myself "broken" and beyond repair. I was unlovable, never good enough, and undeserving of anything and everything in my life (these things I believed). I could not see past my own issues of addiction, shame, guilt, and fear to fully experience anything in my life.

Today, my life is full of wonder and awe. I live in confidence, love, honesty, openness, willingness, peace, and much more happiness. I am married and surrounded by young people. I give back to my community and do my best to do so without expectation of anything in return. I am forgiving. I seek forgiveness when necessary without expectation of forgiveness in return. I try to make healthy choices of mind, body, and spirit.

I make amends for my past in various ways both public and private. I speak openly as a felon and of my crime and those I hurt. I do not hide from my past, as perhaps I can help open minds and educate others. I take my recovery seriously and continue in my recovery knowing that no one is ever cured of addiction and that we must always be there for the new people who walk into our rooms. I give back by taking leadership through participation in Gambler's Anonymous intergroup and helping with area rooms and conferences. I make my monthly reports to my Probation Officer, showing that I have not gambled, have not done anything in violation of my supervision and that I am doing everything I can to ensure I would not find myself in the position to commit an addiction motivated crime again.

I rebuild relationships with those I hurt as much as I can. Any chance I see anyone in person, my openness, honesty, and willingness to speak and ask forgiveness is usually accepted. Those that have chosen to not forgive me, I will never give up trying to make amends to. I shall carry their names with me and if/when the time comes, I shall ask again. It will always be up to them.

I pay my restitution every month. Some months are harder than others to honestly meet the 10% of income threshold. We have 3 college students in our household and our finances are tight. It is a priority payment, though, and it is paid. It is something I do not just because I am told I must, but because it is a very real reminder of where just one gambling bet could take me. I do not have urges to gamble, but if I ever did, I just need to remember that I already have 10% of my income going out because of gambling, I certainly do not need more (besides violations of my supervision, etc.). I could not imagine anything taking me back to gambling, yet 95% of people who start recovery, do go back out. I guess I am fortunate to not have had a relapse (knock on wood). I surrendered to recovery and GA the minute I walked into the door. I knew I had a problem and wanted to find a way to stop. It was no longer fun - I just could not stop. GA gave me a way, as long as I was willing to sit and listen to those who stood in my shoes before me. Crazy to think I am now one of those people who helps the new person now.

Things have not been all roses. I have been sick for months. This academic semester brought with it the Norovirus and several additional infections over a period of time. I've had bronchitis for over 1 1/2 months. One thing seems to get better and the next hits me. My docs have me off all my meds for my chronic health issues in hopes that my body could fight off the infections, but it has not been helping, so my pain and fatigue levels have gone up. It's been very difficult and I was not able to finish my thesis this semester due to my health. I now have a goal of June. The stress of everything with fighting the school appeared to make it all a bit worst.

However, I am alive. I have a job I love. I am looking forward to classes that will challenge and enlighten me. I have an incredible family. I will get off supervision in 2016. I am loved. I am good enough. I deserve the good that happens in my life. What a difference 8 years makes!

I do want to put a shout out to all the Mom's in Carswell or incarcerated anywhere. I remember that day well. It is a very hard day for Mothers. Be good to your Mom today. Happy Mother's Day!

Images of What I Needed Today

According to Probation Services...

I was wondering what official policy is around early release from supervision. I suppose it should surprise none of us that there is a lot of discretion on the part of those in power (not us) to decide who is considered and who is not for early release:

"Can I get off of Federal supervision early?

The short answer is generally yes, if certain conditions are met.  According to federal statue, all offenders are eligible for early release after one year of supervision.  However, it is the decision of the sentencing judge. Some sentencing judges will not grant early release if a significant downward departure was given at the time of sentencing. Others will not consider it until you have reached 1/2 to 2/3 of the your supervised release sentence. Some districts will grant an early termination with an outstanding fine or restitution balance, if payments have been made as ordered during the period of supervision. Other districts will not consider anyone for early termination as long as there is any outstanding debt to the court. A request for early release can be generated by the officer after they have examined your role in the offense, the nature and severity of your offense and criminal history, your compliance under supervision, how any of your codefendents were handled, and if the U.S. Attorney has an objection to early release. This process takes a little while, and again underscores the importance of compliance on supervision and a good working relationship with your officer."

I have not heard back from my P.O. I was supposed to hear by Friday. Either he forgot, did not hear back from the prosecutor in my case, or was just telling me what I wanted to hear. If I don't hear from him by the end of the day tomorrow, I'll be calling him again,

December Supervision Update and More

A couple months ago I posted that my P.O. had stated that I should be off supervision by the holidays (remember?). Later, Freckles posted that her P.O. stated that she was told that nearly no one gets off supervision. Well, it is the holidays... what's my status?

I have been on supervision a total of 17 months of my 3 year sentence. Word was that most people have to do at least 18 months, so there's that. What about the "before the holidays," stuff though? I had to go see my P.O. and I have been pushing him in a cordial kind of way... "any movement?" "anything I can do?"

One thing I did was bring in my Carswell certificate that showed I took a class in financial budgeting. It was a requirement of my supervision that I have a financial course and encouraged that I do it while still incarcerated. I didn't mind doing so. It was informative and Glitter taught it. I went for six weeks and we watched videos, filled out paperwork, took a pre and post test. It was legit. I received a certificate and points on my official paperwork for completing it. It was one of the few educational activities where I was a participant and not the educator. My P.O. made a copy of the certificate last time I was there and we crossed that requirement off my paperwork, or so I thought.

Last week, I talked to my P.O. again due to my needing permission to travel for Thanksgiving, and he informed me that he still wanted me to get in another financial seminar ("I don't care how short or long it is"). I guess pushing these programs while still incarcerated don't count once we are out. Luckily, I had several workshops I'd been to that we could choose from. We selected a workshop I recently attended with the youth I work with where I actually took a selfie with Rev. Jessee Jackson Sr. Telling my P.O. that I had a selfie with Rev. Jackson resulted in his wanting me to text him a copy of the photo. While not nearly as informative as the seminar I attended at Carswell, the one day workshop with Jessee Jackson crossed that "t" and dotted that "i," and there was nothing remaining on my requirements from court for concern. No matter what anything may think of Rev. Jessee Jackson, the workshop was really good and he was inspirational to the youth - also, he was impressive to my P.O. which is all that really matter!!!

So, was that enough? Well, no.

Being qualified to be recommended for early release from supervision and having your P.O. actually seek it are two entirely different things! I had done everything expected of me for the last 17 months - monthly reports, paying more than expected in restitution, maintaining my employment, school, solid family life, no negative police interactions, clean from gambling, active in recovery, etc., but there are several people that must make the decision to ACT before anything can happen and the first level had initially decided to NOT act.

My P.O. informed me that the office was so overwhelmed with "bad" drug dealers that they did not have time to go to court to request my early release. Early release is the lowest priority in such a busy office. With the number of people recently being released from prisons, they are just too burdened to take on the work of early release. He admitted he was going to try to get me released before, but too much work has now piled upon him. I think he could see my disappointment as I just stared at him knowing that he had all the power in that room.

I did not let it entirely go, though. I brought up the fact that travel is a real part of my life - as all our family members live out of state and I am constantly burdening him with travel requests.

Next thing that happened is that my P.O. decided that he would call the prosecutor from my case and see if there would be an opposition to early release. If not, it will be much simpler to go forward. That phone call should have occurred this past week. I am supposed to hear back from my P.O. tomorrow.

My P.O. asked me if the prosecutor was being really tough on me. I said that, honestly, he was tough in the fact that he asked for prison and a year and a day, but that he could have gone with the statutory minimums of 3-5 years. My P.O. laughed and said, "he went for a year and a day?"

I said, "I know, he wanted me to be able to get time off..."
My P.O. said, "exactly." One year and I'd have served exactly 365 days in prison and instead I was able to served about 10 months!

I also said that the prosecutor allowed me to hold on to my passport and go to South Africa between arraignment and sentencing. This fascinated my P.O. "You went to South Africa??"

"Yeah, they said I was a good bet." Meaning I wouldn't run. "I told them that they should use a different choice of words on me."

My P.O. is the one person in the legal system who understands my sense of humor around my gambling addiction. I reminded my P.O. that I am 7 1/2 years clean from gambling. I am also 7 1/2 years since any wrong doing.

I do not know what could happen. Will I be released from supervision before my three years are finished or will I have the opportunity to have a judge consider me for early release? These are outside my control.  I will just keep doing the right thing whether on or off supervision and hope that I continue to maintain a decent relationship with my P.O.

Honesty, Open-Mindedness, and Willingness are three words we learn in recovery --- I think they are applicable in our relationships with our P.O.'s as well!

Gambling Diversion Programs instead of Prison? Why Not??

I am doing research for a research project and came across this article from April. Not only does the article make me mad because the Nevada legislature enacted a law to help people like Ms. Meador and yet the Judges don't understand gambling addiction and don't use the state program that can help her (she would still pay restitution and it's a 3 year commitment!) but the comments at the end of the article are just so ludicrous. It's alarming how little people can understand this addiction even in Clark County, NV - home of Las Vegas! 

Yes, she committed a crime but putting her in a prison where gambling is rampant and she will receive no treatment whatsoever is not the answer. Diversion programs are not a free ride - instead, like drug court, they help people get the recovery they need and recidivism rates are much lower than when sent to prison. Gambling motivated white-collar offenders are not motivated by greed - they are motivated by the next bet, the last bet, debts caused by gambling, and the irrational thoughts and feelings that plague their lives due to the inability to stop gambling.

Treatment for problem gamblers a long shot in Las Vegas courts

My Presentations and a lot of Sleep

As mentioned in a previous post, I am at a conference this week. It is actually one of the largest annual conferences of criminal justice scholars in the world and this year happens to be in Washington D.C. I had two presentations - one based on my autoethnography (this blog) and one based on my summer research project around prison transgender policies. Aside from my part on those two panels, I attended numerous other sessions on such topics as effects on early decisions and programs in cases, sentencing disparities, women and crime, and so much more. I was going to attend a session around prison education, but a professor I had just met who was fascinated by my background insisted I not attend that session as it "would just frustrate me..." and then she followed up with, "you should be teaching on these issues." She had just started talking to me ten minutes earlier because we happened to sit next to each other in the hallway.

Yesterday, during the roundtable discussion on life in prison, I was pleasantly surprised to find 13 people in the room. That is a great turn out for a roundtable- especially given our 8am time slot and that we were opposite a major breakfast event for those in the Sentencing and Incarceration division (which even we on the panel should be attending!) bad timing indeed.

The three other papers being presented were fascinating and I was so happy to be among such a great group of people and research. When it was time for questions, I was surprised when people seemed most interested in my little independent research project on transgender prison policies. I answered each to the best of my ability and several people asked for my email after the session. This was exciting! Yes, I did share my personal prison experience as I am continuing this research to focus on women's prisons, as most policies appear to be written primarily for Male to Female transgender individuals, yet the Female to Male transgender individual appears invisible in most policy. Many transgender individuals (not just drag) are housed for safety reasons in female prisons, yet it is a very complex state by state policy based on several factors including surgery, hormones, and much more! I do not know of any Female to Male transgender individual housed in general population in a male prison. Like I said, complex.

Anyway, following the presentation, one of the professors on my panel walked up to me in the hotel lobby and asked if she could keep in touch with me. She also asked if I will be on the academic job market after I receive my Phd. I explained that it is a far way off... Couple years. She didn't care. She said that I BELONG in academia and that she's going to keep in touch with me. I think I really needed that boost right now with being so buried in my work! I started questioning my goals! 

The bad part of this trip, though, is my health. It's fall and I'm flaring! Fatigue at its worst and pain is awful. I was able to do about 3/4 of a day out before the conference before I could no longer handle the day. I've been in every night. Wednesday night, I passed out before 8pm and woke just in time to catch my uber for my conference in the morning. Yesterday, I only made it half the day at the conference, was asleep at 4pm and woke from 8am-midnight. I'm getting done what I must for my classes, but I'm not getting ahead, going to more of the conference, or taking in this great city of Washington D.C. These are the moments I wish I did not have a chronic illness. I know I will be better than this. I just have to wait it out.

Today, I make my way back home. The conference lasts until tomorrow, but my graduate school travel fellowship did not cover enough for me to afford to stick around. I also miss my family. Sporty is with me, but TS, Penny and the puppies are at home waiting. 

I think I made a decent first appearance at this very large conference. For Dragonfly Hazel's first public appearance, no academic immediately questioned my ability to use this site for research purposes. My life and the lives of so many others are changed through incarceration within the federal women's prison system. We are now one step closer to some new research on the subject!

Freckles TIPS Presentation

I did not have pre-sentence or pre-incarceration supervision, but a lot of federal offenders do. Freckles was under supervision before her incarceration and had some idea what to expect post-incarceration because of it. I, on the other hand, pretty much was entirely free except for being asked to turn in my passport AFTER my academic trip to South Africa which occurred a couple weeks prior to my sentencing. 

Since she was on supervision after her indictment, Freckles received various "assessments" and programs. TIPS is one of them and here she shares that it is now coming full circle...

---------------------------------

From Freckles:

Well - I'm not sure how many of you attended a TIPS (Transition into the Prison System) workshop at your probation office before you were sentenced or self surrendered, but I did and it was the most useless 4 hours my husband and I spent in preparing me for my incarceration.  I've recently been asked by my PO to present at the next TIPS workshop. I know I can't change the world and make the workshop the best thing ever for these future federal inmates, but I'm hoping I can at least have them leave the room thinking they gained some valuable information from me.

I know all of our experiences are vastly different.  From being on pretrial, to sentencing and even through the self surrender process.  But the fact of the matter is that once you are inside those walls, there is so much information that I wish everyone could have access to and even when preparing for release how much the BOP does not do. 

I taught many classes while I was in the system - but I'm not sure totally how to prepare for this?  Any ideas would be greatly appreciated.  Most of you have followed the blog or maybe even been incarcerated yourselves.  What would you want to hear/learn about?  

I know I won't be able to tell everyone everything they need to know - but I'm hoping to at least give them some valuable information that they can hold onto.  Unless you're a "frequent flyer" in the system - I'm hoping to see many faces as horrified as I was and even if for one minute I can give them some peace I'll be happy.  I do know one thing - there is no way to prepare for the "toll" it will take on your family. And until I was released I did not realize that my time away was much harder on my family than it was on me.  So even though we are caged in a system that makes us jump thru hoops, do back bends and flips when asked - we need to keep in mind our loved ones on the outside.  And bottom line - it's still all about our choices and our actions do have consequences long after we realize....

Wish me luck - and I'll post again in January after how everything went...

Presentation

Today Dragonfly Hazel is coming out to more than 3,000 criminal justice academics when I present at a national conference. Wish me luck... Our stories and our lives matter!

Typical BOP False Hopes? (By Freckles!)

A new entry from the one and only Freckles!!! Check it out!!!

While in prison, halfway house or on probation - you always hear about this mythical thing called "early release".  Early release from prison has proven to not be a unicorn as thousands of drug cases have recently seen early release with more to come. But what about early release from probation?  It's always a question to your PO and you're never given a truly straight answer. I'll use my 36 month probation term for our example.  

So I ask my PO about getting released from federal supervision early, not too long after I started my probation with them last spring.  To that I get an answer that with a term of 3 years we can recommend release around the 12 - 18 month mark.  Usually the 18 month mark is what is signed off on by our supervisor in our district.  Ok cool, so thinking if the PO says I'm good to release and even the supervising powers that be say I'm good to release - I should be hopeful that I'll be cut loose correct?  Not so much.  

After my last visit from my PO, she discussed me being turned over to another agent who is for "low risk" individuals. I was honestly shocked since I've had the same person for over a year on pretrial and now for about 9 months - I felt like she was never going to let me go.  

I asked the question again - especially with all these "early releases" going on from the BOP - what are the chances of me being released from supervision early.  Her response was definitely not what I imagined.  I was told that the reason I'm being "given" to a low risk PO is because of the increase in her caseload and that is the way the system is dealing with the influx of people coming into the supervision arena earlier then planned.  I was also told that although it is normal to "ask" to be released early from supervision it rarely happens.  She has seen it happen once and in that case the person did a complete turn around.  The judge sees so many of these that he denies, denies, denies and he needs to be "wowed" to cut you loose. 

Judge? what judge? what about you and your peeps signing off on?? Well, it goes in front of a judge - not your sentencing judge - another bureaucrat that is the early release gate keeper.  I was then informed since I was married, have a house and job - and had all this before I was incarcerated - it's probably pretty hard for me to "wow" the judge (but he doesn't know Freckles and her capabilities). 

So again, I plug along not planning on early anything - my hopes of beaches outside the US and Mexican Fiesta's need to be postponed for yet another 2 plus years. It really isn't a big deal to me - I don't do anything I'm not supposed to - but my state is cut in "half" as far as where I can travel without permission - so even a weekend to a friends cabin that is only 2 hours away needs to be ok'd; but I can travel 5 hours away to another friends cabin just because it falls on the "right" side of the state.  Spontaneity is no longer in my dictionary (for now) - because Freckles has it in her and it sucks not being able to be "me". And yes my PO will approve any travel I do want to do - she's already made that clear and even asks if I have any trips planned.  

So, keep your heads up - but not your hopes. Maybe, just maybe, I'll have the peeing in a cup thing down by the time I release now with the full 3 years!!  And maybe, just maybe, I'll start planning things to "wow" this bureaucrat - that is one challenge that this felon is up for - watch out early release gate keeper - Freckles is coming in HOT!!

Halloween Comes too Close to Home

As a kid, I really enjoyed Halloween. I remember being into my costumes a lot and having a lot of fun with trick-or-treating in my neighborhoods or with friends. I don't remember all that many of my costumes, but I do remember being a vampire my junior year in high school. Not sure why I got so dressed up, but I still have a good picture of that one. I also remember my mom dressing me very inappropriately as an "Asian" person in 3rd grade because my grandma had bought me a kimono on a trip and I happen to have smallish eyes. I sure hope no one was offended! How un- P.C. of us back in 1983 or so.

Anyway, as an adult, I haven't done a lot of costumes. In fact, the last time I dressed up in full costume was around ten years ago, I think. It should not surprise anyone that I dressed as a Queen of Hearts playing card. After being at a party for too short a time because all I wanted to do was gamble, I went to a casino and won their costume contest. I then likely lost whatever I won on their tables. Winnings never stayed winnings...

I love being home on Halloween, now, and seeing all the kids costumes and giving out candy at the door. I haven't lived in the best kid populated neighborhoods for trick or treating, until now, so I'm really looking forward to lots of fun costumes and stuff on the 31st!

T.S., at 20, still gets into costume almost every year and either goes trick or treating with her little sister or she hangs with friends or her cousins. This year her cousin is having a Halloween party. A ton of them are dressing in a theme... They are going in their favorite Orange is the New Black character.

At first when they told me the idea, I thought it sounded really fun. They love the show, as do I- it's so unreal in so many ways, and the moments that are realistic a are so few and far between... It never brings me back there... Except the very last 10 seconds of the last episode of the last season...

Anyway, I had even asked, if I were going, who would I be? "Piper," I was told. Oh, of course!

So, I guess I surprised even myself the other day when I was helping T.S. with something on her computer and I happened to see that she had an internet page open where she is ordering her "khakis." Federal khakis. The same khakis I had to wear for 9 1/2 months. They aren't just wearing clothing to kinda look like uniforms, they are purchasing real uniforms. They will wear badges that will look "real." My daughter will play like she's a federal felon. I know she and my nieces are all just portraying characters, but seeing them in real federal uniforms is not something I would ever want to see. 

They are not costumes. They are the uniforms my friends wear without choice. They are uncomfortable, they are oversized. They are tight. They are real.

I get that this is an emotional response to something that should not bother me. It would not bother the average person. T.S. Visited me at Carswell and took pictures with me while I had to wear my khakis. I never want those roles reversed. Perhaps she will be tasty or crazy eyes or someone else in that uniform - but no one in a federal uniform wants to be in it. I could accept it if it was for a play, movie, television show, etc, but for Halloween it is only a way to make fun of it... Maybe it's still too close to when I was forced to wear it

I said so many times, "I will never wear khaki again," I certainly still wear the color. However, there would be no reason for me to don a federal uniform as a fun costume. I'm sad that the people I love are choosing to do so, but respect that they certainly had no idea that it would bother me in this way.

Ashes to Ashes

This weekend I flew out west to help spread my father's ashes along Route 66, his favorite road. When he was much younger, he would travel the route to/from California and he loved those trips. My step-mom and her daughter chose a beautiful spot last weekend. I said a poem while my step-mom let most of the ashes fall to the earth from about 7,000 feet up. My step-sister's 19 year old son, my step-mom's brother, and Sporty were with us. As the ashes were going and I was emotionally reading a poem she selected about death, my step-mom stepped in a huge puddle and started swearing and that's how most of that went. 

Then she stopped and I noticed that there were still ashes in the bag. Honestly, she would just throw them away. So, I took the bag, went to the side rail, and started just talking to my dad as the remainder of his ashes went with the wind and down to the trees and earth. He would have loved where he is at: 

I know that our choice to donate his body to cancer research took most of his tissue and organs. I'm glad they cremated and sent us what was left to give back to the beauty of the earth!

Being here, though, is not so peaceful. I suppose I should find my serenity in knowing it is most likely my last time here. My stepmother actively chose to prefer to give anything that she wants to give away of my father's to her family and not to me. She would not part with anything of his that would be a family heirloom of my dad's as I am rightfully the next generation of his family. 

Examples such as his bar mitzvah book filled with my family members, his bar mitzvah ring, his yamikah that he has worn since boyhood, pictures of my grandparents, his work awards or desk nicknacks (many he has had since before marrying her), watches, etc. everything. She will either keep it, give it away to someone else, or dump it - but she refuses to give me anything personal of my fathers.

Two weeks ago, she called and said she had a watch and tie of my grandfathers to give me. Now she says she cannot find them. They were given to my dad. Now they were going to go to me. Gone.

I am leaving with some old sweaters and tshirts. She was giving all his clothes away and I insisted I go through them. She was annoyed but I didn't care. They have no value to her - tshirts and sweaters. They certainly are not family heirlooms. I just could not handle leaving with nothing of my father's. 

I know I have memories. I certainly want no money. I just wanted those things that should pass down in the family to stay in the family. I'm his daughter and I'm mourning him too. I know she misses him but things like his bar mitzvah book are filled with my ancestors and belong with my family. Her answer was this, "I'm not giving it to you." My thoughts were, "I shouldn't even have to ask."

Ashes to ashes. Dust to dust. As tears have fallen so many times from my eyes this weekend, I can only thank god that my father is not here to witness how awful his wife is upon his death. I know he loved me and I know he would want what is right. He may be ashes on the earth today. I may be leaving here tomorrow morning. Somehow, someday, I will make sure most his belongings are back with our family.

My LGBTQ Rights

This blog post is not going to be anything I've written before. I usually write here about my life inside and outside of prison, being a felon, or something like that. However, an incident from yesterday has been bothering me and I want to get it out of my head, so best place to do so for me is in writing and best place for me to write is on my blog. Forgive me the liberties I take in writing about a totally different subject in this post.

As you all know, I love my job. I love who I work with and what I do. I feel respected and needed. My boss knows my history and held my job for me. It's incredible. She is incredible. I am so very grateful.

There is one area though that I've always felt a little awkward, and that is around the fact that I am out and proud around my identity within the LGBTQ community. I came out at 18 years of age and we can just say I flew out of the closet. I immediately was named a leader on my college campus at the time. I also became political in the community. It was 1991 and we needed role models, equal rights, positive media, changes in policies and laws, etc. It is one of the reasons I went to law school.

Since 18 years of age, I have never hidden who I am. There is a saying, "silence equals death." I have a great uncle who was gay or bisexual and hid his identity from our family. His silence resulted in his hiding who he was with and when and he died from AIDS in the 80's. I take that saying literally. Had he not felt like he had to hide who he was, maybe he would have found a long-term relationship and lived a happy healthy life. One never knows.

Anyway, my work within the LGBTQ community is all over my resume and CV, I never hide it. I do a lot of volunteering and other work within the community. I was hired with the knowledge of that background.

So, yesterday, I was made a bit uncomfortable when asked about how I handle situations around my "personal life" with the youth of my organization. I was told that the staff don't talk about their "husbands" so there would be no reason for me to bring up my "wife." I was told that our youth may have conservative parents who may misconstrue something I would say to the youth and it would be interpreted as if I were saying that "homosexuality" was okay when it is not according to their parents.... Things like that.

So, I informed the person talking to me that I felt perfectly comfortable in my rights with how I would talk with any youth around the subject. First, one youth who is out approached me about how to figure out what colleges had safe spaces and which did not. I was glad that the student knew there was someone on staff that they could approach to talk about that! 

My role is to listen to the youth. Not guide them. I have worked with youth practically my entire adult life. I am a safe person to come to and to help guide them to further resources. I am not concerned about how parents would interpret my words because I never meet 1on1 with a student in total privacy and my job is to listen and help, not tell a young person how to think or feel.

Students do know that I got married this summer to my wife, however, and so far they have only said "that's cool." I may be the first out adult they know or maybe not. These kids respect me in my role and maybe it helps them break down some stereotypes. 

I'm not going to change being who I am or worry three years into my job. I said that I am no different on staff than the other diversity we offer among our staff members. They didn't see it that way. Homophobia even in the best of places. Trying to see past it.

Glad I was able to write all of this. Thanks for reading!

Supervision Status

I met with my P.O. again this week. I had to meet with him because I needed to fill out the paperwork again for travel approval. I am leaving town later this month to help spread my fathers ashes along Route 66 with my step-mother. It will be a way to officially say, "goodbye." I have no idea if/when I will have any communication with her again after that weekend. I know it will be up to me. She is already making plans on the rest of her life with her family. My father would have no expectations on me to keep in touch with her - I know that. It just seems odd to spend a weekend at "their" home and then leave it on a Monday knowing that she and her family will now have everything and I will never see or know anything of that part of my family again. She has "chosen" to not probate a will and I am still deciding on whether I want to make any trouble about that decision. As his daughter I believe my father would want me to have something and that he likely left me something. As a recovering gambler, I do not want to make his death about my trying to get something of "financial gain." I do not know what his will said and the only way to find out is if I hire an attorney and force probate. Things then become ugly. I may not even be listed in his will - he could have left everything to his wife and just had me as a contingency. If so, she will change the will to leave everything to her daughter and grandson long before anything happens to her. I earn my financial well-being in recovery. I do not expect anything from my father's death. People tell me that I should at least find out. It is so confusing because of my recovery. If money was left to me, perhaps it could help with my restitution payments, schooling, etc. There is no right answer, I just want to keep serenity in my life - yet not be passive to what is lawfully my right.

As for my other trip, I am going to a national conference to make two criminal justice presentations. One I am not concerned about - it is based on the research I did this summer through my independent study. The other presentation is based on my thesis and is all about this blog!! I'm focusing my actual presentation more on the methodology of autoethnography in a woman's prison than on findings, since I have not reached my findings stage in my research yet. This will be when I am at a conference of amazing criminal justice researchers, however, and I tell them all that I am Dragonfly Hazel, I am a graduate student at my university, and I may be seeking employment at their universities in the future. My story will become much more public this November in the Criminal Justice community.

My P.O. approved both trips. He does not know the emotions behind both trips, just the purpose of the trips. He has approved every trip I have requested since my supervision began in July, 2014. I have taken many trips outside of the state. I do not have to ask for permission for trips outside of my district, as long as I stay within my state.

While with my P.O., I once again asked, "is my name going to the Judge for consideration for early release from supervision?" I know that many people are being released from the federal prisons very soon due to the change in mandatory drug sentences and they need to get people like me off the higher level supervision rolls. My P.O. looked at a bunch of stuff on his computer screen and asked me to provide him with updated bank statements this week. He will go to his supervisor. Three possibilities will follow.

1) His supervisor could agree with him that my file is ready to go to the Judge for consideration for removal from supervision. The judge will consider everything to date and I may be released. I have been on supervision 15 months of my 3 year sentence.
2) His supervisor could decide to put me on a lower level of supervision in which case I will be assigned to a different P.O., but remain on supervision for a period of time with some level of contact and some responsibilities.
3) His supervisor could disagree and have me remain on the same level of supervision and I stay with my same P.O. for some period of time until we do another review.

My P.O. asked me "why do I want my supervision to end? what would change?" A very smart question by him... but I already knew my answer. I have no idea what others say to it. I said, "the only thing that would change for me, is my ability to travel without having to ask permission, especially with notice." My mom and stepdad moved down South. My dad passed away. My step-grandfather now lives with my parents down south and is 97 years old. Sporty’s family still lives back in the state I grew up in. T.S. decided last minute to have a pumpkin carving party just last weekend back there and I could not go because I need at least 2 week notice to travel. I want to be able to travel for family things and not have to worry. If something is going on with my aging parents or my step-grandfather, I want to be able to just go. The only thing that changes for me is that.

I will keep going to G.A. - I was going before and I never plan to stop. It's a part of my life. I need it. It is my medicine to stay in recovery!

I will keep paying my restitution. Perhaps some people don't pay it if they don't have to, but I will. In G.A. we believe that repayment of our debts is essential in our recovery. It may take me years and years to pay on my restitution amount that was set by the court, but as long as I continue to pay I am doing my duty and it will be a forever reminder of how far my illness took me. I know I will never forget, but a monthly payment is a good reminder nevertheless. I have no idea where that money goes and I just pray that it is going to a good cause and into the community that felt the most hurt by my actions! When enough money is there, I hope they are able to build a fund that really helps individuals within the community.

I do not know if I will be off supervision in a month, three months, or a year. It could be that I am on it for the full 3 years. I do know that my only way off supervision is to continue to do the right next thing every single day. I am honest with my P.O. every time I am asked a question. I submit my monthly reports on time. I pay my restitution every month. I do my best to be the client/supervisee that he does not have to worry about. I have enough personal worries of my own.

Creativity

With the opportunity to work with students again in a teaching role, I was a little taken aback the other day when the students selected the activity of the day to be painting canvases. While creativity is something I feel should be strongly encouraged, I am not a very astute visual artist.

It turns out, my students decided we would paint ceiling tiles from our learning space rather than canvases (for better or worse). Whatever I painted would exist for an eternity in that 24 hour accessed space at my University. We had less than an hour to visualize and create our new piece of art.

The students in the class are mostly seniors and I was honestly impressed at their skills to take an uneven surfaced tile and create beautiful sunsets, water scenes, trees, school logos, modern art, and more. It was awesome. This is my creation:

Feel free to interpret.

I will say that I did better than I thought I would in many ways, and it does actually have meaning. I liked the idea of painting a ceiling tile, it allowed for texture that I couldn't create on my own.

Future students, grads, staff and more will walk into that room and see the tiles created by this class. I suspect many of the other tiles will stand out, as it should be. I'm just glad that I am not embarrassed that mine will be among the others staring down at everyone in the room. Perhaps at just the right time, the right person will look up, and see that "hope" is staring down at them.

Specific Deterrence

Reading for class tonight...

“Specific deterrence refers to the idea that punishment reduces the crime of those specific people who are punished… A number of studies have tried to determine whether increasing the severity of punishment reduces crime. Most data suggest that more severe punishments are no more effective at reducing crime than less severe punishments. In fact, some studies suggest that more severe punishments may increase the likelihood of subsequent crime… [Studies] tend to suggest that arrested/convicted people do not have lower rates of subsequent crime [than those not arrested/convicted for similar crimes]. Some studies, in fact, find that the arrested people have higher rates of subsequent crime…” 

—— all this from my textbook!!!

Goes on to say - "punishing people does not reduce their subsequent crime."

Hmmmmmmm......

Finding my Dissertation Topic

The entire time I was in my old education program, I never quite knew what I would focus on for my dissertation. I had many research areas I cared about, but what would I want to spend a couple years researching and writing about? I was torn between many topics and never quite solidified with a "yes, this is it!" feeling. In criminal justice, my thesis topic came fairly easy - it is an autoethnography based on this blog and my experiences at FMC Carswell. It is looking specifically at self and collective efficacy in a federal women's prison and will add something to prison research that does not yet exist. My hope is to finish this semester and be working on a publication all next semester.

I am starting to also work on the baby steps of my dissertation at the same time. Sounds crazy, right? However, I need to be doing both right now because I am taking PhD courses while I am still completing this last Master's course and having this extra time on my thesis due to the issues that occurred Spring semester last year. I don't want to have to stay in school an entire extra year and my professors do not want me to either. I'm in an advanced research methods course right now that prefers we use the class to start thinking about our "topic," and I have...

I am going to focus on addictions and crime. After a 30 minute conversation with a professor last week, I am fairly certain the focus will be around the fact that incarceration does not best serve an addict or the victims of addiction based crime. I want to think very broadly in terms of defining addiction - including physical and behavioral addictions - with hopes that the research could help with pre-sentencing and/or placement decisions.

Too many people who are not career criminals or violent criminals are put into our prison system when what they need are programs that will better serve them. I feel that prisons are broken for all, but if we have a system called "prisons" they should be for those that are a "danger" to society. Addicts are a danger to society only because they are first a danger to themselves. If programs can help combat that first issue, they can potentially combat the second.

Our prison system does not help individuals the way we need it to. If someone is an addict, there are many ways to continue to be an addict or cross-addict in prison. The system is not set up to actually help a person connect to other people and start to build the fellowship necessary to really succeed in society post-incarceration. Something different is needed. Some research exists, but most is around drugs and alcohol, little if any around other forms of addiction.

So, I have my dissertation topic. How I will conduct my research is yet to be decided. The exact focus within this topic will be small. Many of the decisions will be decided as I move forward. However, my research will be on addiction and crime. I am excited.