Chicken Tortilla Soup from Scratch

Prior to incarceration, I wouldn't have attempted it. I'm not a cook. Whenever I wanted to help in the kitchen as a child, I was shooed away. Later in life, nothing was ever made except what went in the microwave. I always enjoyed home cooked meals, but doubted my own abilities. Since being home, I've branched out and tried and failed a few times - never ask me to make those puffy Thai noodles unless you want me to burn down the house! But, I've also had some successes! One of those is a wonderful chicken tortilla soup recipe!

It's healthy, has a kick to it, and tastes darn good! I'm proud of myself for learning the recipe, doing a little experimenting, and having decent success with it more than once. It's gonna be a staple food in my life for a while, I can tell!

It's an example that it's really never too late to learn something new. I don't ever think cooking will necessarily come easy to me, but I can never again say that "I can't cook," and Carswell actually taught me that. Carswell also taught me the real value of happiness. Even in my bad days since being home, I've been happy. How could I not be? Life is soooo good! I have everything I need and more! I am allowed to have choice, to think, to dream, to open a door and step outside, to smell fresh air whenever I want to, to ride a bus, to walk a dog, to sleep past six, to wear jeans, to own twenty pairs of shoes if I want to, to use the Internet, to reach out to friends anytime, to eat when I'm hungry, to sleep when I'm tired, to hug anyone I want to, ... What's not to love and be happy about? I can cook in a pot, on a stove, with fresh water, with real chicken, fresh vegetables, and savory spices. I can add any kind of cheese I want, and even sour cream - real sour cream. My mayo is refrigerated, so is my lunch meat and salad dressings.

Sure, about 2 1/2 months, I should be fully acclimated to life on the outside again. I think I pretty much am. My driving is what it always was. My technology geekiness is back full swing, I enjoy wearing a full range of colors and shoes. I spend time with family and friends like no time has past. 

It's different now, though. I know it, and they know it. It's subtle in some ways and not so subtle in others. I have stories of prison life that are now just a part of me. Some are curious, some don't want to hear them. I don't separate myself from any of my experiences. I'm genuinely more content - for better or worse. I'm also willing to try new things - like cook a new recipe... Even if it results in the smoke alarm beeping a few dozen times. Hey, I'm used to that, we had fire drills constantly at Carswell!!!

Couponing

I don't know if it got ten times worse while I was in prison, but the web and app stores seem packed with coupon and discount sites. There's ibotta, retail me not, cartwheel, groupon, store apps like Walmart/ target/ jc penny/ walgreens/ best buy and others that offers discounts and so, so, so many more. As I drive by or walk near a store, my phone literally lights up with offers for the stores I'm near. Yep, I'm still 'choosing' to be tracked.

I'm on an incredibly tight budget with no real income right now, so these discounts and coupons are a necessity of life. Often, I'm using a 15% off on top of a sale item to get even more off. At Target, I can use thier "Cartwheel" application discounts on top of the 5% off red card discounts. Everything helps, even when purchasing toilet paper or deodorant.

Don't pay full price for gasoline, I have a store card for 5 cents off a gallon. Need an oil change, here's $15 off. Want to eat out, groupon has many options, so does several coupon sites. I can get double up coupons at the farmers market - spend $10 in food stamps on fruits and vegetables, get $10 more. Need those shoes? I'll figure out where we can buy them for the least expense, plus get a discount on top of that. There's a way to get a discount on our cellular service. Let's get this discounted Internet service. Don't ring that up yet, I think I have a coupon!!

Since coming home, my life has been filled with a lot of electronic coupons and discount codes. Some are scannable, some I have to print, some I read to them aloud. 90% work. Even I am often surprised. I've even gotten free things, like ice cream, beverages, museum entries, movie tickets, and more using these coupon sites. 

This world is filled with great deals, but it's not always easy to find them. I'm lucky I have access to a smartphone that allows me to take advantage of so many deals. Many people in similar economic situations would not and therefore only those who could afford to pay more have the opportunity to pay less. Kind of backwards, right? It's making me think about the importance of getting technology access to those who are the most disenfranchised in our communities - including mobile access. Think about all the ways you use your mobile devices. Imagine if you could not have that access in today's world. For one thing, you would not be able to take advantage of all the great discounts available for the things your daily essentials.

A Health Update

My doc had ordered some labs that were done yesterday and I just so happened to have an appointment with my rheumatologist today. They were very telling. There was a lot of good news. In fact, I'd say they were the best darn labs I'd had drawn in over two years. As someone with a chronic illness that means a lot. All my CBC and other numbers look really good. However, there were two numbers that were concerning, but made sense. See, the last labs drawn at Carswell actually showed my inflammatory markers as nearly normal for the first time since I'd gotten sick. The sed rate and c-reactive proteins are very important markers for how active my illness is. Since they were low, I had been experiencing less pain and had all that energy and workouts were great. However, lately, my workouts (same ones) have been tougher, my pain has increased, my fatigue has increased, and I've noticed that I just can't do as much. Well, the blood work showed that my inflammatory markers are twice what they were in May and are well above normal ranges. Ah, that explains it!! The doc is raising the dosage of one of my meds and seeing how it goes. She also told me something I didn't know - sometimes flair ups are seasonal and asked if I'd noticed it... Well, it was in September two years ago that my health went really out of control so maybe summer/fall is my bad season. I'll have to track it. In the meanwhile, though, my job is to live with my chronic illness, not let my chronic illness live my life. I'm going to keep working out and adjust as needed and accept that sometimes I just have bigger limitations than other times.

In other news, Freckles is officially out of Carswell and at a halfway house. I'm so happy for her. Like me, not everything went according to her plan, but now she has her own room (I believe), access to a personal phone and vehicle, the ability to see her husband, the ability to work and earn real money (she already has a job), and a chance to move forward with her life. I think since she did RDAP, she will be at the halfway house 4-6 months, but her sentence is cut like a full year and she will be able to do some of her RDAP after care on home confinement. I think Freckles will be good with all the rules. She really isn't a troublemaker. I'm just so glad she is out of that place and able to start picking up the pieces of her life! I'm not sure how I would've gotten through Carswell, especially those last 5 or so months, without Freckles!!

Tonight I watched the DVD of the movie, "Divergent," which is a book series I loved. The movie was pretty good, but I'm glad I read the books first (isn't that usually the case). I hate to admit that I have yet to read a full book since I've been home. I also haven't finished my blanket. I have books to read. I have everything I need to finish the blanket. I have no excuses. I can't even tell you what I'm doing that's taking up so much of my time. I do feel a bit unstructured since I've been home. I never thought I'd enjoy knowing that I'd have 45 minutes at 4pm every day to relax and read or again at 9pm. I certainly don't want a regimented schedule again, plus I have errands and real responsibilities now, but I need to build in some time for reading and hobbies. I really do miss it! Plus, since I can't be working out as hard due to my current state of health, I mind as well be working out my brain and creativity!

Not on My Timeline

I put it out there on Facebook this morning... today was the deadline. It really is a deadline. Today is the absolute deadline for hiring Fall graduate assistants at the University. My job kept waiting to hear that the hold on my admission had been lifted, but the call/email never came. I learned this afternoon that the news will not come for another several days, we can stop waiting, the deadline will pass us by. What it means for my job, I don't know. Grad assistants are supposed to technically start Monday under contract. My benefits are supposed to start the 16th. Since I am not technically a student, I cannot be hired and I cannot be paid, nor can I earn any of the other benefits of a graduate assistant. It won't stop me from coming to work everyday. It's just going to make a lot more work for my supervisor and the organization's secretary to process me in once they are able to. I have no idea what it will look like, how long it will take, and what it will all mean, but I am not giving up hope!

I guess I look at all this stuff and must look at the bright side - I have not been told that my admission is being denied. All I am told is that it is on "hold." It is not on hold indefinitely. It has left the graduate school, now, and sits before a "committee" who is assigned to make a decision on every graduate student who applies to the University with a felony in their background. At this point, I am being held up against the same principles and rules as every other 'similarly situated' applicant, I guess I'm really okay with that. Perhaps I'm more, or perhaps I'm less of a scary character than others. Who knows?!?! Well, in reality, I'm not sure I could be more harmless than I am, but whatever it is they choose to consider from my file, will be fine. With multiple people on a committee, I pray it's not just an arbitrary decision. I should know early next week.

I have no idea if anyone reading this even cares if I get back into school or not. I don't even know why anyone reads this blog at this point. I sometimes feel like I am partially fighting this fight for all of us with felonies and/or addictions in recovery. I want us to be able to say that we do not need to be defined by our pasts. We watch famous people be able to move on and forward so easily from these things, but lay people are never given the benefit of the doubt. We need to constantly prove ourselves and defend our choices. We always have more and more hoops to jump through. The fight is exhausting, but if I can do, and if I can succeed, than I can be proof that others can do it too. We need some of us willing to jump through all the hoops in order to help others know that they just need to keep jumping. So, I'm jumping, and jumping, and jumping. I started jumping at Carswell and I had no idea how fit I'd need to be to continue to jumping once I was home.

There are so many times when I see dead end ahead warnings. Somehow, though, my gut tells me to just forge ahead, there may be a yield, but I can get past the roadblock. Perseverance, passion, belief, honesty, drive, character, humility, gratitude, acceptance, patience, and focus can help a lot. I do my best to never doubt the end goal. I am going to school in Fall. I am working this job. I may be on "hold," but that's just a formality, and it's only temporary. It's just another hoop. I will be going, I am just not able to do it all on my timeline.

It's up to the Grad School

It was only eight months ago that the grad school of this University sent me a letter informing me that my admission was being revoked. This morning I learned that the same Dean requested my new admissions file and is now making the new admissions decision. She'd ended her prior letters to me with "this does not preclude you from reapplying to [the University]." I hope it also does not preclude me from being readmitted to the University. My fate, once again, is in her hands.

The truth is, this may not be a bad thing. As I mentioned a couple days ago, the criminal justice department specifically asked for a waiver of the admissions processing so I can be admitted, which they said would need to be approved through the college of social sciences and the graduate school. So, the Dean requesting the file away from admission could merely be the formality of that process and my admission "could" be coming soon. When I mentioned what occurred to the CJ department in an email, the response was, "Sounds like they're working on it, and we should have word soon."So, I shouldn't worry, right?!?!? I'm doing my best, really!

I guess I should have put together my backup plan already. I'm a planner. I'm usually quite organized. I watch so many people with felonies struggle to get any work. Highly talented people who can't even flip burgers or make beds at a motel. With my health issues, I know that my only chance at work, and especially at paying off my restitution and being a productive member of society, is to be using my brain. I will just keep sustaining the hope that this is all going to work out. There is still time. Tomorrow is the deadline for putting me in the system for my graduate assistantship. We have about 28 hours from the time I am writing this post to receive an answer.

If I do not hear anything before the end of today, I will put together all the courage I have and try to reach out to the Dean in the morning. My hope is to just let her know the deadline we are on with the graduate assistantship and that I am available for any questions or concerns she may have regarding my application. I do not want to appear pushy, but I need this job along with the admission to the University and the grad school will understand that. I pray it won't have to come to that. I can see the worry in my supervisor's eyes. She also does not have a backup plan. She has plans for me that stem far more than even this upcoming school year. It's the organization's 50th anniversary in two years and she already has me on the planning committee.

It's my time to try to put all this out of my mind for a while and go spend some time being in the moment with a friend. I can do that. I will turn off my phone so that I am not constantly checking email and I will take a couple deep breaths and find the courage to let things be what they will be. I know that no matter what, it will be okay. I will be fine. I will persevere as long as I am in recovery.

Great Losses

Today I learned about two great losses. The first was a well known incredibly talented man - Robin Williams, the other, is only going to be well known postmortem, Michael Brown. Robin was 63 years old, had a wife, kids, incredible career, and all the money he would ever need. Michael was 18, just graduated high school, was about to start college (first in his family), had two younger siblings, a loving mother and father, had all the possibilities of the world in front of him, and barely enough money for his family to make it paycheck to paycheck. Robin was Caucasian. Michael was African American/Black. Robin struggled with addiction and mental illness and committed suicide. Michael was shot and killed while surrendering unarmed to a police officer. Michael would have known who Robin was. Robin would have mourned Michael's wasted death like the rest of us. These deaths bring up so many issues that are near and dear to my heart - racism, addiction and recovery, mental illness awareness, suicide prevention, police ethics, classism, power dynamics, and more. I cannot think about the death of one of them without juxtaposing it with the totally preventable death of the other. They were both tragic deaths. I certainly have my own opinion on which is more tragic, but it matters not. The world lost two important souls today because our society closes it's eyes to the most vulnerable populations. It's time we said, "enough is enough!!!"

Tonight, I had to explain to a nine year old about both deaths, as she inevitably picked up on the news of the day through talk, tv, and the Internet. Why do people commit suicide? Why would the police shoot an unarmed man? She lives in a city most of the time and sees tragedy more often than I even know. Yet, she still has that young girl curiosity and although I don't want to lie, I don't have all the answers.

I guess I kind of know. I've been so close to suicide in the past. In 2008, I hated myself so much that I believed I did not deserve to live and I just wanted the pain to stop. Once recovery and therapy started, I was able to quickly move away from that mindset, but it was a very scary time. 

As for the hatred and power behind the extreme racism and fear that must exist for the violence by officers against unarmed people of color, I do not know that feeling. However, I imagine that it is really built in extreme fear as fear drives so much of our negative choices and behaviors in this world! Police actually shoot their weapons rarely and there's a lot of protocol that goes along with the decision to shoot. Somehow, these officers from all over the U.S. are finding some fear based instinct overcoming their police trained protocols, and they are shooting. It's a horrible reality. Couple that with the fact that racism also plays a pervasive role in how long a sentence someone gets in prison and people of color are consistently targeted by the justice system. I don't agree with the riots, but I certainly understand the anger.

I think Robin Williams would try to use some humor to defuse the situation, though. 

"Never pick a fight with an ugly person, they've got nothing to lose."

"We had gay burglars the other night. They broke in and rearranged the furniture."

"If women ran the world we wouldn't have wars, just intense negotiations every 28 days."

Well, you get the idea.

I'd like to think that had Michael survived, he'd had beaten the odds and graduated college. One day, he would have gotten married, bought a house, and had a career he loved. He would have had three children, like his parents. His kids would watch Netflix and one day would stumble on an old Robin Williams movie -maybe Mrs. Doubtfire or Jumanji and Michael would have watched with them. 

What's Tall, White and Has Four Wheels?

Answer: My car! I think I've just added the last key to my keychain to make it the complete set. Before I went to FMC Carswell, I mentioned how odd it felt watching my responsibilities diminish one key at a time. My car keys went to my mom and step-dad who chose to keep the car as their own for the last year, maintaining the payments and insurance. My mom bought a new car a week ago and now it was time to turn my car back over to me. With Sporty and T.S. out their way for the last few days, they were able to drive my car back home to me. Tonight, I had the opportunity to drive it for the first time in over a year. It was wonderful.

Taking back my car comes with the responsibility of paying the monthly payments and picking back up the insurance - both of which will start in September. Through school, I will be able to afford to do so. When the arrangements were made for me to regain my car, we hadn't realized a hold would be put on my admission at the University. However, I truly believe I will be starting this fall and my assistantship will begin in a week. I wasn't taken this far only to not have the opportunity. 

Driving my car for the first time tonight felt really great. My phone immediately synced up with the radio and it felt great on my back to be sitting up, instead of having to lean back, while driving. My folks took good care of it and it had been cleaned before it was turned back over. Only 12,000 miles on the odometer and a small ding on the door. I've got a sweet ride and I'm so grateful to have it back!

I have to admit, though, the car is more than I need. It is a 2013 model. It's a small SUV and very roomy. It has advanced technology and fun bells and whistles. It's not an automobile that someone just getting back on her feet is usually associated with. I had it before I knew I was going to prison. It was the same model as my old car, just a newer one that I traded in for. It seemed to make sense until later when it made no sense at all.

Now, though, I just will love my car. Maybe I'll finally give it a name - like I did Hope. It is a sign of my life moving forward and things coming back together. My keychain is full once again and I'm excited to have my car key back in its place.

The Truth in Social Media

I was looking at my Facebook profile earlier today and it still said that I am an education student at my University. Which, of course, I no longer am. Last night, I discovered a similar issue on my old Instagram account. Throughout the social media world, I am listed as I saw myself prior to my incarceration and have not even thought about updating these things since I've been out... until today...

I imagine I have numerous accounts I don't even think about that are connected to life as it was, not as it is. I do feel, though, that I need to extend my honesty to my social networks and update my information when I discover outdated information. At the same time, I don't need to explain the 9 month gap of my life between August 2013 and May 2014 - if someone asks I'll tell them, but no one's bio says, "and this is the time I was at FMC Carswell." Before I went to prison, I had hoped that I would obtain my PhD by 2016. Now, I am looking at 2018/2019. Quite a difference. These are the changes I am making to my bios.

Experts in the world of social media, employment, and privacy laws warn folks to be careful with what we put out in cyber space. Do you really want your future boss knowing that you were up all night downing shots or that you swear in all your tweets? You may think your privacy settings are such that only those you want will be able to see your updates, but there are a myriad of ways for people to learn about others through social media. When I am about to hire someone, I often google them. I know that people google me as well. I don't need to put anything about my crime or incarceration on my social media, because when they google me, they will learn all about it.

I figure I should just be myself in my social networking world. I am not suave, so I don't need to appear suave. I am not perfect, so I do not need to appear perfect. I'm nerdy, in recovery, bookish, into the arts, a technology geek, quirky, funny, independent, and creative... I think that's what comes out when someone looks at my persona in the social media world.

For ex-felons, it is even more important that we be aware of what our social media presence appears like. Our PO's may be keeping an eye on us through these networks, even if we are unaware of it. Travel outside your region and check-in to a restaurant on Facebook and your PO will know it. Tweet that you are with your bestie from the prison and you may be going back to the prison. Upload a pic to Instagram of you getting high and see how fast your are brought in for a urine sample. Whether you use your real name or not, do not try to play stupid using social media while on parole/ supervision. I truly believe our PO's are much smarter than many of us give them credit for.

All that being said, I don't think for one second that I am really anonymous with this blog. A lot of my friends and family read it and know who I am, obviously. A lot of people I was locked up with know about it. Many of the CO's inside read it - including several that made some backwards comments to me at times about it. It's not hard to figure out who I am - hmmm... one of 4 Jewish women. 5' tall. Entered on August 19th. Left on May 28th. Lived in One North. Gambling addiction. Yaddah, yaddah, yaddah (thanks Seinfeld). I may not use my name, but I did choose to identify myself in numerous ways. I did that because I want to be a real person to everyone who reads this. I did not want this blog to feel like it's being written from a third person point of view.

I have no idea how my PO would or will react if/when he learns about this blog. It is such an important part of my life now. It has almost been over a year of writing nearly every day. I am ten days away from the anniversary of my self-surrender. This blog started as the story of someone preparing for self-surrender, became the story of someone incarcerated, and now talks of like beyond bars. I think it is important that I keep writing. I hope you all feel that although you don't know my direct name or my exact town, that you feel that you know me as a person... I am updating all my social networks, however, I think for now, being Dragonfly Hazel is a persona divide that I am going to maintain for a while.

A Great Meeting

We have a saying in gambler's anonymous - 'there is no such thing as a bad meeting.' However, I will tell you, some meetings are better than others. Some meeting rooms are better than others. But, I do agree, no matter where I go to a meeting, I am always glad I went. I need the meetings and other people need me there. At first, all I did was listen and learn. Now, I listen, learn, and give back. The longer you are in the program, the more you can give back. It's the perfect example of paying it forward.

Anyway, tonight was the new meeting that we started a bit over a month ago. It's still small, but has a good energy and I'm excited to see some people trying to make it one of their regular meetings. I was worried tonight, though, that no one would show. Two of the other 'regulars' were unable to attend, and I wasn't sure of anyone else. Anytime two people are together, we call that a meeting, but someone by themselves, well, I call that sad. Ha.

Anyway, I was pleasantly surprised when two others were there early. It was just a meeting of three of us, but it was a truly great meeting! We spent a lot of time discussing step 1 and the ability to admit that we are compulsive gamblers and that our lives have become unmanageable. This disease is devious. You would think that someone who has lost their home from their gambling losses would be able to admit their problem and see that one's life is unmanageable, but our minds play tricks on us --- just one big win and all our problems can be solved. It an irrational way of thinking and living and what our addiction feeds off of.

One question I received was whether one has to hit the same "rock bottom" as I did or similar in order to be successful in the program. I have watched many, many people be successful in G.A. without having as severe consequences as mine. I've also met many people with more severe consequences as mine. The truth is that the only real "rock bottom" is death - there's always some more damage we could cause if we stay destroying our lives. I'll never forget what a Rabbi said that first Yom Kippur I was in recover during her sermon, "there's no rock bottom, you just stop digging." I truly believe that. However, the people who think they have not reached their "personal" rock bottoms may actually believe they NEED to do more damage to themselves, their families, and their communities before the ability to accept recovery. It's such a baffling and devious addiction.

Anyway, as the three of us went around with our therapies - and I won't share what was said - because what is said in the room stays in the room - but I will say that the honesty and openness was extremely powerful. When I gave my therapy, one member actually had a tear, when I inquired, I was told because of my strength or something like that. Usually, the tears in our rooms are because we are so broken emotionally, but tonight, the tears were because we are strong and capable.

This horrible addiction tries to take all the good out of us, but we can rebuild. We can be humble, gracious, honest, powerful, leaders, role models, givers, successful, meaningful, healthy, caring, and all the things that gambling and our addiction took away from us. We can be emotionally mature, we can have successful relationships, we can be good parents, we can own nice things, we can take incredible vacations, we can live humbly, we can donate to good causes, we can drive cars that are in working order, we can maintain our jobs, we can be promoted, we can pay our mortgage/rent, we can send our kids to college, we can qualify for a loan, we can rebuild our credit, we can join a gym, we can get married, we can move across the country, we can go back to school, we can write a book, we can maintain a blog,... there's so much we can do - as long as we stay in recovery and away from gambling one day at a time. How we do that - we keep going to meetings.

I know that most of the readers of this blog are not compulsive gamblers, nor do you struggle with any addiction, but I imagine you all know someone who does. I truly believe that addiction is addiction and the kind of addiction is the symptom (that's why cross-addiction happens so easily), the disease is the emotional illness and issues that lead to the need to escape reality and/or need some action in one's life. Addicts are unable to live life on life's terms - control (like I talked about in yesterday's blog), and inability to accept things are common issues among addicts. They have shown that compulsive gambler's brains have similar reactions to alcoholics and drug addicts when in action. It's not the form of addiction, it's the inability to say "no." Willpower is impossible for any addict. Please do not tell an addict to just "stop," it doesn't work. Someone who does not get "help" for the addiction will not get better - a dry drunk is still a drunk - sooner or later under the right set of circumstances - they will likely take that first sip of alcohol, that first gulp, that first bottle. For the gambler, it's the first bet, the first $20, the first $100... right back to where they were before they stopped. Perhaps the 12-step program does not work for everyone, but there are many, many recovery programs out there. Addicts need help BUT they need to WANT the help. No one can force someone into recovery. For me, I surrendered. I don't know if there's another way - although I hear, "fake it until you make it," works for some (meaning, keep going to meetings until something clicks with you). Okay, I digressed with this paragraph, but I want readers of this blog to try to be a good friend/ relative to those in their lives who struggle with addiction. Importantly, though, I truly believe you should not help the addict with the addictive behavior - do not provide them money, do not bail them out, etc - make them face their consequences. It may be hard, but if you enable their addiction, they will not be able to get to the a point of surrender. Tough love toward an active addict is the best way to love them. Once they are trying to get healthy, then be there for them in every way possible. If you would have given them money, but held back because of their addiction, save it to help pay for their rehab or to spend time with them. Be there when it is a healthy relationship. You need to make sure you always take care of yourself before you can take care of someone else. [steps off soap box].

Well, tonight was a great meeting and it led to this pitiful blog post. I imagine many more of you are interested in the life and times of a felon, than one of a recovering compulsive gambler. I am both these things and many more. I cannot separate the identities I have. I've made many, many mistakes in my life. They started when I was young and unable to understand the decisions/choices I was making. Each led to another and those led to my being a compulsive gambler and that led me to make the worst mistake of my life and hurt everyone I cared about and a community that had been my home. Today, it leads me to want to go into Criminal Justice and help others who may find themselves on a doorstep not so different than my own. While I hate what compulsive gambling did to my life and the people I hurt, I am actually glad that I am one - because it has made me a better person and has given me the insight into the lives of so many people that are misunderstood in our societies. I was saying at the meeting tonight that we have no recovering gambler role models. There are AA and NA role models in the world. However, there are no well-known GA role models. People don't understand our addiction. Maybe I can be one of the hundreds of thousands of people that can help make that change. Yep, it was a great meeting tonight.

Letting the Control Go

My struggle, as with so many others, is trying to control things that are simply outside my control - which entails all people, places, and things. I don't really try to control people or places, but I certainly do things... but sometimes that does cross over to people and places. My anxiety I wrote about in the middle of the night was connected to this. I want to control both the University and the people working in admissions to tell me the status of my admission on my terms - not theirs. I will always find anxiety and disappointment when I put expectations on others. Truth is, whether or not I know my status tomorrow or next week, it will not matter. I just need to know before the 13th for my assistantship to be able to start officially the following week when it should. That is still several days away, so, I need to allow the people, places, and things responsible for helping make that occur to do their jobs and I need to LET GO.

Perhaps you can tell, but I did have a much better day today. After sleeping nearly 10 hours last night, I woke up bright eyes and bushy tailed and as Sporty put it, "really nerdy today!" I was cracking jokes, making funny accents, and just generally having more pep in my walk. I went into work a little early and immediately produced some good stuff for my supervisor and didn't push her on whether she'd talked to admissions or not. I didn't need to know.

Later in the morning, my supervisor did talk to me about having called admissions and that the conversation went something like this:
"She is admitted and she has gotten all the documents in that we need. We are just waiting for some additional documents..." From whom and from where is unknown to my supervisor and myself. They also said that it could be 10 days (from last Thursday) before we know my status. Well, okay. They said that they told me that, but I would've definitely remembered them giving me a timeline - and they did not. They indicated to me that they would quickly process it because fall semester is about to begin. Oh well - release control!

So, I felt that it was important to let the criminal justice department know what was happening. This is what I wrote to the Director who I first spoke with when I went to visit the department:

"I wanted to give you an update on my admissions status at [the University]. I am very excited to be starting courses with the Criminal Justice program later this month. I just want to make you aware that my admissions has been put on hold at the Admissions office, due to my background of having a felony. It has been on hold since July 7th. They are checking to ensure I am not a harm to the University or community. I am not sure the standard they use in that decision. They told me that I should know my status soon, but I do not know when. I just wanted to inform you of this because I have been unable to register for my courses, although I already have them "planned" and will immediately register and officially enroll once my background is cleared. I, also, thought it would be best to let someone in the department know of the hold on my admission. Please let me know if you have any questions/concerns."

At first, I received a basic response that they appreciate me contacting them and will file my note. Just a few minutes later, though, I received this email from someone else from the Department:

"Thank you... The School of Criminal Justice has asked the Office of Admissions to lift the hold and process admission. Our request must first be approved by the College of Social Science and the Graduate School, but I do not anticipate much more delay. Have a good afternoon, and I'll keep an eye on your admission status as well!"

It was such a pleasant surprise that they did this on my behalf. I cannot control the actions of the College of Social Science or the Graduate School (and as you know I have history with the graduate school), but it means so much that the Department is willing to do what they can to get me through the admission process without my having to ask.

While usually the statement that we cannot control people, places, or things comes from our inability to get what we want. However, in this case, it appears that although I couldn't control people, places, or things today, several people went out on a limb on my behalf on their own. I released control and good things happened. I do not know and cannot control what the University admissions decision will be or when I will receive the news. However, I know that there are many people who have my back through this process and I need to just allow everyone to do what they need to do and I need to get out of the way and stop trying to control everything!

Why I didn't blog yesterday and am instead doing it at 3am

Yesterday was a typical day for someone with HIGH ANXIETY! Okay, I have not heard from my school yet. My boss is pushing me because she needs to get me in the system as a grad assistant before August 15th plus she can't pay me the stipend donated to me for the summer until I'm officially a student and she needs to pay me that before I'm in as a grad assistant and all these things take time to process and I HAVE NOT HEARD FROM ADMISSIONS YET.

Okay, the serenity prayer is played in my head every time I think of these things. Everything will be okay... But, but, but,... What if they think I'm a threat to the university community - me being a big ole felon and all. It's a very large University, which I was reminded of by my doctor yesterday and she said, "they are just so big, they make broad decisions and don't think about the person." Plus my boss yesterday said, "I know you, but they don't." In other words, they may actually think I am somehow a threat to the community. What?!?!?

How can I allow my head to go to all these bad places? I'm always so positive, right? Yesterday, though, I must've woken on the wrong side of the bed because my day included:

- ordering breakfast, paying for it, and then driving off without stopping at the window to pick up my food

- interrupting a meeting in my bosses office twice because I kept forgetting things I needed in order to park on campus

- allowing the car battery to die and needing a jump from campus police when I sat in the car without actually starting the ignition

I did have a fantastic doctor's appointment with a new doc though. She was so thorough and my appointment lasted about 1 1/2 hours and I was seeing someone the entire time. She wants to start me back on my migraine meds, even though I had less migraines at Carswell. It could be the difference in air pressure or something in the environment that triggers them and I have gotten a lot of headaches lately. Surprisingly, the medication was immediately approved by Medicaid even though it wasn't on their list of approved meds. I also got a tetanus shot with whooping cough as well. I couldn't remember when I'd last had the tetanus shot (how does anyone remember those things?). I guess I'll have this handy blog to remind me in the future! By the way, my arm is sore at the muscle they shot me in. Oh well, just another ache and pain.

So after the doctor's appointment I drove six miles out of the way to pick up Sporty from work (I had her car) because I absolutely knew the back way to her work (failure!). We ate dinner. Took Superdog for a walk. Had a headache. Then, I fell asleep at 7:30pm and just woke up around 3:15 am - still in my clothes from yesterday!

Yep, it was a day. I really believed that I would hear by yesterday the status of my university admission. In eight days, my grad assistantship is scheduled to start. I still have twenty days til classes are starting. So, I'm putting all my hope and energy to the universe today that we get word of my admission TODAY and that my work can start their paperwork and I'll know I'm soon to be receiving paychecks and I can register for my classes and I can go buy cool school supplies (I love school supplies!) and my life will be on this exciting new path in criminal justice!

Just a little thing to ask that is entirely outside my control to make happen. Why is my life always a suspense novel???

The Reality of Freedom

Today was a simple day. There were massive thunderstorms last night, so Superdog woke me up shaking, which meant I needed to sleep in a bit. I decided to work from home today and had my boss' blessing to do so. I never changed out of my pj's until after noon.

I worked most of the day preparing reports for work in fun, creative, and informative ways. I took a break around 2pm and did a 1980's jazz aerobic exercise routine that I found on the tv. I heated up my lunch in the microwave and I ate while watching a CNN movie off the DVR.

After Sporty got home, we walked to a restaurant about two blocks from here and enjoyed splitting a soup and sandwich. My student I.D. got us 20% off the bill. I sat on my front stoop and let Superdog do her business on the grass. I spent a while entering bills into electronic payments and deposited a small check via e-deposit through my phone.

Tonight, I did the dishes and loaded the dishwasher. I watched the 7th episode of 24: Live Another Day. I also talked with my mom. Later, I went to my room and read some daily readers with Sporty. I pet Superdog and she is laying beside my bed.

The day wasn't extraordinary, but it was perfect. There are few good days when you are locked up. I'll be perfectly content with many days just like today. We take freedom for granted so often. We always want extraordinary. What we don't realize is that it is the simplest of things that make a day great - and it starts with being grateful for everything we have - including freedom!

Headache

Before my incarceration, I was on a daily migraine medication. I would get headaches all the time. I'd wake up with them and sometimes I'd just have to lay in a dark room for hours. 

I'd had these headaches for years, but only got on the medication a couple months before Carswell. The medication seemed to work, and I only fought about 1/4 the number of headaches. Much more manageable. Other migraine meds didn't work, so I was happy to find one that did.

The one medication that Carswell never approved was my migraine medication. I tried to get it, but it was an absolute refusal from day one. Fighting for my enbrel was most important. Amazingly, I got far less headaches than ever before off medication. I only had a handful of really bad ones the entire time I was incarcerated. Maybe, just maybe, I didn't need the medication anymore.

Since I've been home, my headaches have returned. I now see them come on after meals or in the morning. Perhaps it is an allergy reaction or something in food that I didn't have much exposure to at Carswell. 

Someone said that maybe it is stress. I, however, do not think that is possible. If it was stress induced, I would have had my headaches every day incarcerated! Plus, my stressors today are nothing like the stressors of my past.

In a weird way, perhaps Carswell did me a favor. I was able to learn the imputus for my constant headaches and maybe, now, I will be able to find the exact cause. We never know what good can come out of bad. It may take me a while to find the exact cause, but I think I'm on the right track. In the meantime, I need to go take some aspirin and sleep off this headache.

The Art of Dogsitting

Over the past several days, I have been dogsitting. It's been a blast spending time with these two dogs. They are kind, trusting, funny, and love to be pet. They also enjoy licking - everywhere, including the feet (that tickles). We all took a nap together and to wake me up, one of them licked my ear! I'm glad I chose to dogsit and to get to know these two wonderful animals better.

The thing is that they are pitbulls. Like so many others, I've always heard bad stories about pitbulls, but I also knew that it depends on how one loves and trains the dogs. "Pitbulls are dangerous," "deadly," "mean," etc., are often heard. Some places that allow you to live with dogs, won't allow pitbulls. They really get a bad rap!

Isn't it so similar to how people think of felons? "Felons are dangerous," is what we hear. Yet, not all felons are- just like not all pitbulls are. If you try to rent an apartment as a felon, you get the same denial you do with a pitbull. So, is it that felons = pitbulls? In the eyes of society, which is more dangerous?

I challenge everyone to rethink the generalizations they make about any group. Pitbulls can be trained into killers, humans can too. However, no pitbull is born a killer and no human is either. Not all felons are killers. Not all pitbulls are either. 

These two sweeties certainly have a big bark, but they are as gentle as any well-behaved dog I've known! We must be kindred spirits. The world sees us as bad when, in reality, we only want to make the world a better place!

Monthly Report

There is a required report each month that goes to probation. It's a requirement that it be completed the first few days of the month, although I was warned that sometimes the system crashes. Every person on federal supervision trying to do their report at the same time, that's a lot of server traffic!

Since my supervision started July 2nd, I completed my first report this evening. It was clear skies throughout my reporting - waiting til night is probably a good choice. What was not a good choice, though, was my unprepared self trying to answer detailed questions about all my finances this month. I checked the box, "follow up with my probation officer" on nearly every question. I now remember my PO telling me to track every expense, but I didn't. I tracked the big stuff and my regular bills, but I didn't track every time I bought gasoline or what I spent eating out at a restaurant. I carried a small amount of cash with me and I did not track where every penny went. How many times did I ride the public bus for $0.60/ride? What about when I pooled my money with others and then paid for a meal? Do I report the full amount that I used my debit for, or just the amount I actually paid? I lived within my budget, but I did not track my expenses in the way I need to.

Starting tomorrow, I'm going to carry a small pad of paper with me everywhere. I will track all my expenses there. Early in G.A., I did something similar in order to learn to live on a real budget. Now, I have the duty to report everything to the Feds every month and I don't want any red flags on my file. I did the best I could for July, I guess that's all I can do now. 

It's been easy to forget the supervision reporting requirement since everything was given to me at a meeting a month ago and never revisited. Today was a wake-up call, though, that I need to get my act together. Maybe with the need to record every penny spent, I will be motivated to spend less. It's not like I've had the money to go crazy, but knowing I need to justify purchases should help me stay closer to needs over wants.

I will not complain about the reporting rules, though. It's such a small requirement compared to incarceration. I need to remember that I'm still not quite free, even when it feels as if I am. Some day I'll have true financial freedom. Until then, though, I will track expenses and report in as instructed.

A Felony is a Felony

My university informed me that I need to submit the court documents related to my felony in order for them to make a final admissions decision. Since everything I read stated that it's the department that makes graduate admission decisions, I asked what the official university policy was on admittance of students with past felonies. The woman I was talking to said, "it goes before a committee... We need to make sure there's no threat of harm to the university or students." 

I responded, "it was a nonviolent felony."

She responded, "a felony is a felony," in a rather accusatory way.

I need to disagree - a felony is not just a felony. There are class A, B, and C felonies. There are violent and non-violent crimes. There are repeat offenders and first time offenders. There are juvenile offenders and adult offenders. A felony is NOT just a felony!!

It takes me back to my time at Carswell when C.O.'s made statements like, "you all lie." Just because some people lie, doesn't mean we all do. Just because some people break the rules, doesn't mean we all will. Life is not black vs. white - there's a whole lot of grey in the middle!

So, I'm going to gather the documents...

Ten hours later... I'm now finishing this blog post. I had all the documents I needed to send on my computer except for my release paper which I scanned and added to my electronic legal file. I decided to send my PSR/PSI, the court judgment, and my release paper. There is no list of what I need to provide, so I figured that would be the most balanced of items to send.

With the documents, I sent an email that listed three professionals - two from the university and my PO, that they could speak with if they need to. I have nothing to hide and I want them to see that people in the university are supporting my application.

I also sent the statement, "I hope to be able to officially be enrolled soon. Thank you!!" I wanted to keep the email positive, even though she'd made it clear that not only is a felony a felony, but a felon is a felon in her mind. Without knowing anything about me, she decided I was the same as John Wayne Gacy, Susan Smith, Ted Bundy, and Lizzie Borden.

I emailed the documents to her at 2:30 this afternoon, and I like to think that she chose to look through them before her response at 4pm which said, "Thank you for sending this information so quickly!  I will see that someone reviews this on Monday, I will let you know when I hear something." Quite a change of attitude from our phone conversation earlier. Also, she put, "Best," as the salutation. I hope she realizes she was wishing the best to a real live felon!!!

I could have really talked back to the woman earlier on the phone. I could have shown anger and become belligerent from her judgment. Instead, I hope I chose the higher road, and just maybe, showed this woman that a felon is not just a felon; and a felony is not just a felony.

Probation Flies In

Yesterday afternoon, I talked with my PO and he asked me when I would be home today. I'd always thought that he would just "show up," but he actually set a time with me to come by my home. Well, okay.

This afternoon, he came by with another officer, a woman, who was introduced to me and I immediately forgot her name. I do that a lot. Immediately, my PO says that they do not have a lot of time, so I should take them on a tour of my home.

Superdog was in the basement, since my PO told me that I must keep my dog away from the officers. However, they asked to start the tour with the basement. Superdog is an incredibly well trained dog - does therapy in nursing homes - yet the officers immediately backed away from her and told me to grab her collar and lock her in somewhere. I selected the half bath - poor Superdog had no idea why I was forcing her into a bathroom.

My PO used a flashlight as we moved around the house. It was daylight and I turned on lights as we went from room to room, but I guess he was cool looking like the officers on law and order or CSI. I always wondered why they didn't turn lights on when walking into a crime scene. Not that there's any crime scene at my home. The worst thing he saw was unmade beds and a pile of laundry. 

The place most thoroughly checked was my closet, but more to say that it was really a long closet than to see what was in there (clothes, hangers, bags...). Even the nearly silent female officer made a comment about the long closet. Glad they showed some interest in my place.

I talked to my PO for about ten seconds about what's going on with school, and he said to mention that he will gladly talk to them if they want. I need to fill out a release of information, of course. He also told me to bring a tracking sheet to all my GA meetings, even though the sheet is AA/NA - they really don't prepare for other 12-step programs.

Less than ten minutes later, the officers were heading out the door. I spoke to them with respect and manners. I called him, "Sir," and told her that "it was nice to meet you." I wasn't even thinking about who these individuals are and the power they currently have over me. A small mis-step and I could be headed back to Carswell. 

I am not a danger to anyone. I think my PO knows it. On his voicemail he ends with, "have a drug-free day." Unless he's talking about methotrexate and enbrel, I don't think he's referring to me. I don't know if everyone just gets fly-by stops that are scheduled by their PO's or if they have more frequent interaction, but I'm great with how today went. Maybe next time he schedules a stop, I'll have tea and crumpets waiting (although I don't think he's allowed to accept any food or beverages from a client).

My Civic Duty

When I first realized I'd have a felony, I immediately looked up if that meant I could no longer vote. It turns out every state has it's own rules. Luckily, at some point in the future, I will have the right to vote. Some states forbid felons from voting for life. In how many ways are felons marginalized in their lives? Is my vote not acceptable because I broke the law in the past?

There are few civic duties in being in the USA. The most important is voting. Another is the duty to serve on a jury. Yesterday, I received my first summons since moving to this state. On August 25th I am to show up at the state courthouse. Before going, though, there is a questionnaire that must be filled out within ten days. They mailed the paper form, but I could answer the questions online instead. Something told me that this wasn't going to go well... The questions included:

and

I decided to do some research before filling out the form online. Research showed that jurors cannot have a past felony. In this state, I am barred from ever serving on a jury. In the past it was my law degree that would keep me from being selected for a jury, now I can't even get that far in the process.

I filled out the online questions and immediately, the result was, "Disqualified. You are not expected to show up at the courthouse." The thing is, I would love to do my civil duty and sit on a jury. Of course, in my future, my phd in criminal justice may also keep me from ever serving regardless of what state I live in.

Some people may actually think I'm lucky to be able to "avoid" jury service. I believe the opportunity to have a 'jury of your peers,' is very important - even if our broken system does not result in a real diversity of our peers. In truth, it's a duty everyone should be honored to do. Sure there isn't much pay, but you are ensuring our justice system can work to the best of its ability. 

Since I retain my right to vote, I may look for opportunities to vote on stopping the lifelong marginalization of ex-felons. There are a lot of good people with mistakes in their past. I'd prefer to have people who have overcome their past on a jury, than someone who has never known the reality of inner change.

Nothing is Quite that Easy

My criminal justice program admission email with letter came on July 18th. Since that time, I've gone into my online account with the University to try to register my courses several times. It just keeps saying that I have no enrollment status for next year. There is a process in getting admitted to the University in a grad school program. First, the graduate program recommends you for admission (that's the notice I received on the 18th), and then multiple offices complete their parts so that you can officially enroll and register for courses. So, a bit of a wait is always there, but something was telling me that I should have heard something by now, so I called.

I started with the registrar's office. It seemed like the right place to ask about my enrollment, but they sent me down to admissions. I talked with two different women in admissions, and I finally received my answer, "you answered 'yes' to the application questions about having a felony, so we are doing research around that..." I guess some felons are allowed to attend and others are not. I know many people who have successfully entered college with a felony or serious misdemeanor. I am just to sit and wait patiently for the process to unfold. It is what it is.

I do not for a moment think that I will be denied admission at this point. What gets me is that there is no policy that I can find by the University that states why a student, already admitted by the department, could be denied admission by the University. Everywhere it states, "admission decisions are made by the graduate department." If there is a policy around having a criminal background when applying, I think they should make it clear to all applicants, or at least those that answer "yes" on their application. It's an online application, so no harm in having a little box come up with whatever policy they use.

Well, I know I will officially be starting my studies in less than a month. I know that I will be registering for my courses soon enough. I know that it is absolutely OKAY that the University chooses to follow-up on the background of any student applicant who says, "yes," to a felony. It's yet just one more hoop those of us with criminal backgrounds have to jump through. One would think that my calf muscles would be huge given all the hoop jumping I've had to do this year.

I was proud of myself, though, when talking with the woman in admissions who informed me that I am going through a background check. I had no fear in admitting that I am a felon and in asking if it automatically disqualifies me from admission (it does not). The ability to talk about the truth of my past in a straight forward and non-embarrassed way will be very important as I face the continued road blocks toward my dreams and goals. I must always accept that people will not necessarily understand or accept me and my past. Such is true for many people even without a criminal history.

I think it's important that I write about these issues, as a balance to the fact that I am feeling pretty good about how my life is going. A set-back is not defeat. Defeat is not a dead end. No matter what happens at this point with my University, I know that it will all work out. I just read an appropriate quote last night:

On particularly rough days when I'm sure I can't possibly endure, I like to remind myself that my track record for getting through bad days so far is 100%, and that's pretty good.

I don't know who wrote it, but it's very true. We all have bad days or receive bad news now and then. We will all get past it - we always do.

In the meantime, I am planning my school year and just waiting for that official admissions email informing me that I can register for my fall and spring courses. It will come. Perhaps not on my timeline. But, it will come.

Two Months Out

I left Carswell two months ago today. It feels like forever ago. I can't believe how fast I got acclimated to life on the outside. I'm lucky that I wasn't incarcerated very long and didn't have to get used to the fast changing world. I'd say I'm right back where I was with technology, my biggest difference from where I was before I was incarcerated is that I watch less television. However, Sporty was just given a 60" television, which gets put up on Wednesday, so that may change everything!!! I thought I would want to come home and catch up on all my missed shows, but I spend my time doing other things - walking SuperDog, volunteering, relaxing, reading, preparing to go back to school, taking short road trips, connecting with friends, working out, and eating way too much food! Maybe the food part is a bit too much like life before Carswell!!!

The good thing, though, is that I've done my best to keep active. I found that Comcast offers a lot of fitness videos for free. I have done many of them and enjoyed the variety of choices. I was missing the workouts I did at Carswell to Jillian Michaels for beginners, though. It consists of two dvd's - one is the frontside and one the backside, but I was physically able to do almost all the exercises and I loved the way I felt doing it. Freckles and I both stated that we would purchase the set and keep doing  the workouts as part of our routines.

Turns out that the workouts I was doing via Comcast fitness were good, but not as good. I finally purchased the Jillian Michaels videos and did the frontside yesterday and the backside today and let me tell you, I'm feeling it!! These last two months have not been good on my staying conditioned. I wear a fitbit flex and do what I can to reach 10,000 steps every day (many days I get to only 7,000 or so). I take Superdog on walks. I do the workouts on Comcast. However, nothing works me as hard as that Biggest Loser coach. So, I'm going to keep doing her workouts and I guess I'll carry that little bit of FMC Carswell with me into the future.

In other news, I am officially getting my car back from my parents. Since I will start earning some money in August, I will be taking back my car. It will be nice not having to depend on others all the time for rides. I was also re-approved for my handicap parking permit. While I am fully capable of getting around with traditional parking right now, in fact I chose to walk up and down two floors of stairs at school today, when the weather starts to turn, I will need to have a close parking spot. My body and icy sidewalks don't do well together. I will challenge myself to only use the permit when I need to, and to walk the distance when I am capable of doing so. I think Jillian Michaels and Freckles would approve of that decision.

I was talking with Survivor earlier today and I could only admit that I'm still amazed at how things are coming together in my life. It was so easy while in Carswell to only imagine the worst things happening. No one tells you that it is possible to have life turn out okay after incarceration. They only tell you how hard it will be. If you believe them, then inevitably, your life will be hard. We are able to  cause our own destruction by our negative thinking. We are also able to cause our own success by positive thoughts. We need more stories - more evidence - of what helps ex-prisoners find success after prison. I hope I can help find those characteristics that help people move forward through my research. Perhaps it will help build programs that can be alternatives to how prisoners are treated at the moment.

In the meantime, I suppose I will keep just moving forward and counting the days, weeks and months since my release. There's a strong part of me that knows I HAD to go through the FMC Carswell experience, so I can understand the value of everything in my life. I needed to go through it, so I could do something to make a difference for others. I needed the experience so I could continue to change myself. I'll be able to say that my crime did not and will not define my life. My incarceration did not and will not diminish my future.

Our Paths

Perhaps you've known your path all your life. You grew up knowing exactly what you wanted your life to be like, what career you would choose, and what experiences you would have. Okay, if anyone said, "yep, that's me!" You are not only lying to me, but you are lying to yourself. Life never exactly goes the way we thought it would. Life's path is not straight like a tree's trunk, it's the tree's branches with starting in one direction, veering to the right, then left, left again, going in that direction for a while, then another left, perhaps a u-turn or a large knot we need to get over, and a new path path begins.

Whenever I talk about my life, I always say that you would never know how I went from point A, to point B, to point X, to point T, but here I am, living proof that we need not decide what we are going to do for the rest of our life when we are 18 and just in college, or 22 in our first "real" job, or even 70 and retiring. Life happens. Life changes our paths. If you think about the most interesting people in our lives, it will usually be those who have vast experiences doing many different things and adventures over their lifetime. 

Sometimes our path veers through our own decisions. We go into a career or take a job we really do not enjoy and quit. We get married. We have children. We choose to move across the country. We change our major in college. We choose to commit a crime. We get a divorce. We travel to far away places. We retire.

Often, our paths veer due to things outside our control. We are fired from our job. We write a best-seller (wishful thinking). We are promoted into a leadership position. We experience the death of someone close to us. Our child moves out of the house. Floods. Tornados. Hurricanes. Car accidents. Prison. Friends come and go. Money woes. Stardom. Addiction. Theft. Mental illness. Chronic illness. Broken body parts. Aging. The list of those people, places, and things that are out of our control is endless - the only things we can control are ourselves and the choices we intentionally make.

I believe we do our youth an injustice when we tell them the path we believe they should be on or we tell them that at the age of 18 and entering college (if that is their path) that they must choose their career path for life. How many of us are doing what we thought we would be doing when we were 18 years old? Unless you are 18-19 right now, I imagine that no one reading this would raise their hand to that question. 

Yes, we all have our own paths, we all need to do today what we need to do in order to fulfill our goals at the time. We just need to add in the flexible and creative thinking that allows us to accept change when it comes, accept that sometimes we need to make change in order to find happiness, and that we need to encourage the people in our lives to chase dreams, allow for changes, accept success, move forward from failure, and be able to get over the large knots in our path. Looking back, our paths may not be a straight line, but we will have had the opportunity to try a lot of incredible things in our lifetime.

What brings all this up? T.S. is nervous that she wants to change her undergraduate major for the second time. She is entering her sophomore year. Did you know that the average undergrad changes their major formally or informally five times? It's normal to try new things, stick with some, and want to move away from others. It's also normal to have many interests and experiences that may lead us down paths we never considered before. If someone told me even ten years ago that I would be getting my doctorate degree, I would have laughed. If they told me it was in criminal justice, I would have fallen over in shock.

So, you find yourself unemployed, in a career you hate, with a child who can't stand you, in prison, divorced, lost, on a cruise ship that's broken down, homeless, famous, ill, broke, grieving, moving, getting married to the person of your dreams, being offered an opportunity that you never considered before, and then what???

No matter the ways our paths veer, it will be okay. We have our lives of successes and failures, adoration and heartache - and you will experience them all. Don't be afraid to allow your life to go down a new path. It may be for just a bit or it could lead to yet another knot or veer to the left. All you need to be able to do is come to acceptance and allow for change to make you the most interesting person in the room.

My Friends Inside

There are rules. Serious rules. While on supervision, I cannot knowingly have contact with another felon. That means that I am not to write or contact any of the people I consider a friend who is still incarcerated, or who has a previous conviction (unless I get permission from my PO). Other than those GA folks I received approval for, it will be very difficult staying in touch with those I met on the inside.

I hate the idea that if I want to send a card or something to Freckles, Lola, or Taz, it is a violation of my supervision. Serious violations or repeat violations could land me right back in Carswell. Being as the authorities know of this blog (and may not be happy with all it's content) and know I'm the one maintaining it, I could be an easy target to punish. That, is definitely not something I want to have happen. I never want to be incarcerated again!

So, I have to trust that my friends know I'm thinking of them. Once in a while, I hear of updates, and I'll share some of those with you. For some of my former comrades, it could be years until we speak again. They are never far from my thoughts, however.

Lola LOVES Carswell Camp. Even the food is better on that side of the fence. They have a lot of freedom and the scenery and wildlife is wonderful to watch. Squirrels will literally come to your room's window and look at you until you exit your room with food. That's well trained wildlife! Plus, with Lola in the puppy program, she gets to spend her days with a happy puppy to hug and care for. How wonderful!

Freckles has had to go through a couple tough weeks at the end of her time at Carswell. The accusations that led to her termination from education went viral there, and she is the focus of a lot of gossip. Her birthday is this week, and I just pray our friends do right by her! She has three weeks to go - so ridiculous since she was supposed to get out of there two weeks ago.

Taz is working on a 2255 of her sentence. The 2255 is a basic appeal saying that your lawyer, the judge, or the sentence decision was a mistake. Many inmates file them, few make it to real consideration. Taz had a deal that turned out to be a lie and she never knew that they would pursue federal time for her. She has proof of conversations with promises that prosecutors would keep the case from going federal. She signed and then the federal charges came immediately after. So uncool!

By now, Nurse should have been transferred to Victorville. I pray they give her the protein supplements she never received at Carswell. I'm happy she can see her grand daughter again - that little girl is her pride and joy!

Mama's paperwork has gone through for a transfer closer to home. After losing nearly 150 pounds in less than a year, Mama is off 90% of her medication and all the docs cleared her for transfer. I pray that comes soon - as her sons are finally home with her parents and her family is so happy to be back together again, except for Mama.

I wish I were allowed to communicate with these and other friends. I truly care about their well-being. I guess I'll just keep them in my thoughts and look forward to the day that we can speak again. We've been through our worst together, I look forward to being able to share our best!

The Big Event

I used to be an event coordinator. There was a time when I would have 2-4 events nearly every weekend. Most for nonprofits and fundraisers. In my role as a graduate student now, I am rarely in an event coordinator role.

When I offered to volunteer this summer at my former job, I found myself being put in the role of event coordinator for an Academic Showcase highlighting the work the high school youth do during their summer. In just three weeks, we had to put together the plan for an event with 150 guests. Since I was there last year, I had a feel for what the event would be like. 

Tonight was the event, and it went off without a hitch. In fact, that colleague that decided to donate money on my behalf, gave a second check tonight - doubling the stipend I am now earning this summer. I guess I'm not a volunteer anymore. The donor, also, made a promise to donate the same amount next summer, so they can have me there. I guess I have a summer job next year (often grad assistants are only Aug-May since summer funding is hard to come by). I should receive my full stipend in 2-3 weeks.

Also, another coworker handed me some cash today saying it's to get me through the weekend. She won't let me refuse. This is her third time handing me some spending money. She's the one who told me to accept and not refuse - just say "thank you."

I can't imagine many ex-prisoners being handed money. I have never complained to anyone at work about being a volunteer, I took pride in just the ability to help out an organization I care about. I need to take what is happening and when I can afford it, pay it forward to someone in need. I never knew such kindness from people was possible.

I suppose my lesson from all of this is that we never know what our decisions will lead to. I had no thoughts about volunteering at my old job until I was on the phone with my boss and she informed me that one of the key employees (there are only 4 - small office) had a stroke. I immediately said, "well, then I'm going to come in and volunteer so I can help alleviate all the work" falling on my boss. She had to get permission for me to do so, and I had to pass that background check I mentioned in the past. I certainly had no thoughts that I would be paid, nor that I would become coordinator of tonight's important event.

It really is possible to move our lives forward swiftly after prison. There are no shortcuts and no guarantees. We can't have any expectations. We just need to be kind, humble, and willing to work hard. Now that my legal issues are in my past, I have only good to look forward to and tonight was a whole lot of good!

The Tough Decision

My insurance company paid me enough to replace my scooter with a new one. I started looking at all those available - 50cc maximum- so I can park at the bike racks on campus - and short enough that my 5' tall body can sit and my toes can reach pavement at stops.

There are three models - Yamaha Vino, Honda Metropolitan, and Genuine Buddy. The Buddy won out for several reasons and I was excited at the prospect of purchasing my replacement scooter this Saturday. It's been difficult without any vehicle of my own and it would be well ridden.

The other day, though, I was thinking about the insurance funds and just couldn't shake the feeling that I should not be spending that money on something right now. I still have a month until I receive a full paycheck, rent is due, I'll need to purchase text books, and I can really use some clothes that fit. So, I made the decision to put off purchasing my replacement scooter at the moment. I will revisit it in a month when my finances will likely be in a more comfortable place.

When the time is right, the Buddy will still be there.

One of the most important things we must learn during recovery for a financial related addiction is how to appropriately budget. In my gambling days, I would not have thought about the expenses to come or the importance of a little buffer. The same amount of money I received for a new scooter could be gambled away in a matter of hours. I didn't own a scooter, then. I couldn't spend money on anything but bare essentials, gambling, and vacations that included gambling.

Today, I have a choice. There would be nothing wrong with a decision to replace my scooter now. After all, the funds were given to me for that specific purpose. It just felt more "right" though to put that 'want' on hold and stay concentrated on needs until I know I can afford more.

Incredible Generosity

It's hard to accept other people's generosity sometimes. I love giving gifts, but sometimes it is really difficult on the receiving side. Over the past year, I've had to learn to just say, "thank you," and accept the gifts of friendship, money, books, cards and more from my friends and family.

This week, though, I've been overwhelmed by the generosity of a practical stranger. She works with the summer program at the job I've been volunteering at. She called me and told me that she will be making a donation to the organization so they can pay me for the work I've been doing over the past several weeks. She says she is impressed by my work and wants to give me the funds. Whoa.

Without being too specific, she is donating several hundred dollars, which in turn will be given to me as "project pay." The Director of the organization had to talk with her bosses to make it all work out appropriately. I did tell the generous soul that I could not accept such a gift, but she just poo pooed my statement and told me it was not a choice. So, I'm left simply saying, "thank you," and I'll add this to my missions of paying it forward one day. The funds will help me pay bills until I'm officially hired in mid-August. You hear about angels in this world, but I would have never guessed this woman was one of them. She most certainly is!

As a gambler, the idea of money being handed to me, that was unexpected, would have caused me to believe it was my lucky day and I would have likely lost every penny of it in a matter of hours at a casino. Even if it happened to be a winning day, I would lose even more than I won the day after. It was always a vicious cycle. Money would come into my hands and just as quickly go out.

Now, in recovery, I understand the real value of money. I keep a budget, try to pay more than minimum due on credit cards, and maintain a savings. I have not been able to do much financially since I have not had an official job. Now, though, I know that not only will I have the funds to pay my bills, I will have a slight buffer in case of emergency. I am able to hold onto money now.

I'm still in disbelief that this woman who barely knows me has decided to help me out. I guess it's yet another example of the idea that if you keep doing the right next thing, good things happen. There's a lot of bad in this world and if you focus on the bad, you will just wallow in it. If, instead, you focus on the good, you will be able to experience the beauty of the human heart. I am incredibly grateful to have experienced such beauty this week.

The Public Defender Debate

In my friends update recently, I asked you if you had any questions for me. One reader asked me about my lawyer experience. Specifically, her questions were:

Could you comment/write about the quality of your representation? Did you have a federal public defender? Private attorney? How much did it cost you (if I may ask). Are you satisfied? What recommendations do you have for a rising 2L in terms of connecting with clients, making your life better, etc?

I will attempt to answer this question best I can, as I sit across from T.S. at a Panera trying to not distract her as she studies for her Chemistry course. We have already wasted two hours as we looked at possible replacement scooters for me to purchase, she bought some great artwork online from a friend, we worked on her 2014-15 college schedule, and just generally enjoyed one another's company. We are going to have to be better at this "studying together" thing if we are to do it when Fall semester starts up. Okay, it's weird for a "semi" parent to study with her teenage "semi" daughter, but as you all know, I'm weird. Amazingly, T.S. is an amazing young woman who doesn't mind being around the adults in her family (as long as she is not hanging with friends). Whoa, off topic, sorry.

I remember that in one of my first posts, I mentioned that I had a public defender. I'm going to start with that decision. When I received a notice that charges may be filed against me, I started the process to obtain a public defender immediately. I did not wait for the charges to actually make it to court, I wanted to be prepared. I did not spend much time considering a non-public attorney, as I had very little funds (grad student and former gambler after all). If you are considering hiring an attorney for your defense, unless s/he is your best friend's sibling or something like that, you are looking at a large retainer - no less than $10,000 to retain the services, sometimes more in the ballpark of $25,000. I am so grateful that public defenders exist, because no one should go to court without one. There's a lot of game play that occurs in the courtroom and you need someone savvy enough to understand what's happening and object when necessary.

My only thought about hiring a for-profit attorney was that if I could hire a real savvy one, perhaps they could have kept me out of prison. We all know the O.J. Simpson story. Unfortunately, I am not aware of any best friend's siblings who are savvy attorneys who would have taken on my case for practically no funds. Nor, could anyone no matter how much you pay the attorney, make any guarantees that you will not have the book thrown at you or that you will be found innocent. It's just not something any attorney has within their power.

The other thing I know is that good people become public defenders. It is not a fall back career for lawyers, many great, smart people go to law school to become public defenders. They believe 120% in the belief that everyone deserves to have legal counsel and many believe that they will do something good for their clients. They can be just as idealistic as anyone. Not only that, they choose a career that pays them less than half what they would make if they chose private practice. During my law school days, I was always so impressed with my peers that wanted to work as public defenders.

The bad thing is, though, that you do not get to select your public defender. Depending on the defender, they can be any type of personality and some are just plain burnt out by the system. I don't regret my decision to go with a public defender, though. I could not afford more, and she was a skilled attorney. My assigned attorney had more than 30 years of criminal law experience and over 20 as a public defender. She always returned my calls, answered my emails, and listened to me. I cannot say that she was particularly savvy, however, nor did she take the time to truly understand my addiction/reasons for my criminal behavior. She was very matter of fact, and encouraged me to take a plea from the get-go. I was not planning on going to trial, so it was alright. Something many don't know is that even when you accept a plea, in the federal system they cannot promise you what your sentence will be. The judge decides that. The plea may include what the recommendations will be, but ultimately your sentence is decided by the judge.

My attorney was pretty certain that I would get supervision only, or spend at most 1-3 months in prison. She had no idea that due to my medical issues, I would have to be at a secured federal medical center. Nor, did the judge for that matter. My attorney's jaw dropped to the floor when I was given my 1 year and 1 day sentence. While my sentence could have been much longer, she had not prepared me for a sentence with a real amount of prison time. I told her from the beginning that I could be kicked out of school if I were to go to prison, she kept telling me to not worry about it. Even my pre-sentence report stated that a prison sentence may exceed the necessary punishment for me, due to my nearly 5 years of recovery and growth at the time. I'm not sure any attorney could have predicted how the judge would have decided my sentence. So, I guess I'm glad I didn't allow my family to go into great debt trying to hire an attorney for me. My public defender was fine. At times, she was good. I won't say she was great, but she may have been earlier in her career. I think she's been dealing with the feds too long and knows the limits - so she won't be savvy and push, she gets the job done. Period.

It's important to know how to find a public defender. If you receive any indication that you are going to be charged with a crime, you can contact the public defender's office in the federal district your case is/will be filed in. For example, if you lived in Texas and were going to be charged in Fort Worth, you would call the public defender office in the Northern District of Texas. They will likely ask if you know of any indictment or have received any documents indicating that you will be indicted imminently. They will then send you a questionnaire to qualify you for a public defender. You cannot have significant assets or funds. If you can pay for an attorney, than a public defender is not going to be assigned to you. Once you are assigned a public defender, they will likely get in touch with the prosecutor's office and find out the status on everything.

NEVER TALK TO THE PROSECUTOR'S OFFICE OR FBI WITHOUT YOUR ATTORNEY!!

Anything you say can be warped into an admission. If a prosecutor, state's attorney, private investigator, or the fbi contact you and want to "just talk" or send you a letter, or have any communication at all with you, you should not say anything. Immediately tell them that you will speak to them once you have an attorney. You have the right to that attorney and they cannot communicate with you without your attorney present. But, YOU must request the attorney or say you have one. They will not stop communicating with you unless you say you want an attorney present.

Well, that's a lot of information to digest and I'm not even sure I answered the questions adequately. I do want to answer the final question, though... what do I suggest for a student seeking to become a public defender. Here are some suggestions that come to my mind:

• Every client is not just like the last client. 
• Every person is unique and while some may lie, not all will. 
• While some clients may be guilty, once in a while someone may be innocent. 
• While the system is stacked up against the client, it is your duty to represent them to the best of your ability. 
• Stay aware of the changing law and recent appeals, use them to help your clients.
• Allow your client to tell you their story, if they want to share it. Most people have a reason behind their actions, it may not matter in the law, but it matters to them.
• Don't make any promises.
• Work within the system to make it more just. Be willing to challenge the status quo.
• If you have a client that is going to prison, be available to them just as a check-in before they go. Check in with them once while they are inside. You may not be able to do anything more for them, but it matters to know you were seen as a person and that your public defender still knows your name.
• Prepare for all scenarios to happen in court. Don't let your client see your jaw drop to the floor. Object if something is not right.
• If your client insists they are innocent, try to figure out if someone else is guilty.
• Don't just tell your client to plea if they are innocent, it may result in more prison time to go to trial, but this is their right to freedom they give away if they plea out.
• Be personable.

Well, I'm sure there's more I can say, but know that it's a very important right in the U.S. to have a public defender available to those who need them. It's a noble occupation to select and one that will certainly keep you on your toes. Balance your life between work and home - getting burnt out is never going to help anyone!

For most of us, there is no debate between having a public defender and hiring a private attorney. Money speaks volumes. Lots of money may help get guilty people off and having little money means we are much more likely to go to prison. It's a broken system. However, public defenders are just one piece of the puzzle and are very important to ensure some justice can exist.

A Friend

Something that rarely happens to me occurred yesterday. I was out and about running errands and I ran into someone from my old school program. We were literally standing next to one another, so when we realized who the voice next to us was, we immediately hugged. She was several years ahead of me and working on her dissertation when I self-surrendered, so I had no idea what she did or didn't know about my situation. We were friendly before, and I just didn't see her being too judgmental. In fact, remember that I deleted nearly half my Facebook contacts a couple months ago? Well, she friended me back a month or so ago, so I figured she was okay with me. Turns out, she'd known about why I was gone, but she hadn't known about my being kicked out of the program. I suppose many of the students are not aware of what occurred after I left for Texas.

Anyway, she had read on Facebook that I was accepted into the criminal justice program, so she congratulated me. She then asked me a bunch of questions around what happened to my being in my old program. I told her that it wasn't my choice for leaving and she asked more questions about that. It wasn't a long conversation, we were in a store staring at a shelf of shoes after all, but she was curious and I would be too, so I answered best I could. As we left the store, neither of us buying any shoes, I told Sporty that I really like the person and I was glad to have seen her. 

Unexpectedly, today, I received a message from the friend. She apologized for "ambushing" me with questions. I didn't really feel ambushed, but she said that it must be a difficult issue and she shouldn't have asked so many questions. What a kind thing to do! Most people would ask personal questions and never think twice about it. At some point, this friend of mine thought over our conversation and felt strong enough to reach out to me. I really respect that! I've always had a lot of respect for her, but it's always when things are difficult that we know who our real friends are - or at least the people we want to be friends with...

I've had several relationships adjusted to be closer or further based on this past year. What has been most surprising to me is that the people I now consider to be my closest friends are not the ones I would have necessarily named a year ago. There are some incredible ones who I will always be close with, but others have not been the kind of friends I deserve.

Although, I sometimes know that I am not always a good friend to others. Over the past several years, I've been on the receiving side the majority of the time... Health issues and legal issues weigh heavy on friendships! I still feel as if I'm not always pulling my weight in my relationships.

While I was incarcerated, mail was my favorite thing. However, about half way into my time, I stopped corresponding back much. I became much more dependent on this blog as my writings to the outside world. Honestly, I stopped writing when things got to be the worst in there, someone I cared about went to the SHU and I started receiving threats. Even my job became at risk. Also, I realized I was being kicked out of school. There was nothing good to write about and no one wants to write one depressing letter after another, nor lie and say they are great when they are not. I really owe an apology to all those that were so good to me while I was at FMC Carswell, and I wasn't a good friend back.

I wish I could say that I'm doing better now, but I'm actually not. I started sending thank you cards to folks when I got home, but I haven't finished them yet. I was trying to call and catch up with people, but I barely talk to anyone outside my closest circle. 

I'm finding myself needing a lot more quiet time now, than I did before I was at Carswell. I spend hours doing almost nothing, not even watching tv. I meditate, relax, work out, and play mindless games on my phone. Instead of waiting for the bus this afternoon, I randomly decided to walk a couple miles - something I never would have done in the past - especially with the heat. Even at my volunteer work, I spend less time chatting with coworkers and more time focused on what I'm doing in my office.

I should be calling my friends when I get home, but I don't. I sit on the couch and relax. I take in the quiet. I take Superdog on a walk. Maybe I'm too independent with my time now. I need to make a much better effort at being a friend, though. So many people have given me the incredible gift of friendship. I need to pay those gifts forward. I don't know exactly what the effect of incarceration is that has made me be more distant from those I care about, but I am going to make a conscious effort to be a better friend. I need to learn from the act of kindness from the friend I bumped into yesterday and apologize to all my friends out there. Know I care about and love you. I'm here and it's time I become the giver for a while!