Official Mail from FMC Carswell

It has been ten months since I left FMC Carswell. So today, when I received an official piece of mail from the facility, I was only joking when I said to Sporty, "maybe they are finally sending me back my social security card and birth certificate..." Well, lo and behold, I open the official envelope and what do I find inside? My birth certificate and social security card!!!

The last time I saw those two documents, they were sitting on my case worker's desk in an envelope sent by Survivor. I had seen them on the same desk, in the same pile three weeks earlier. Both times, I reminded her to put it in my folder, as I would need the documents for my release and halfway house. They never made it to my folder. I wonder where they have sat for the last ten months!?!?!? Did they ever make it off my case worker's desk prior to being sent home to me?

I was literally looking up all the details of having to get my new social security card just this last week. I was worried that I may need my birth certificate for my marriage license and I would have definitely need a replacement when I could finally replace my passport. I was lucky that I didn't need my social security card for my current job since I had already worked there in the past, but I wouldn't have been so lucky in the future.

I was told nonstop that I needed these two documents prior to my release. Survivor worked her butt off to get me the documents. She had to send them directly to my case worker. My case worker never did her job with them and I never actually needed them - that's not to say you wouldn't - just that I didn't - and now, 10 months later, I finally have them back. Well, if I'm going to get official mail from FMC Carswell, I'm glad it wasn't them telling me they have a room waiting for me or anything. I'm happy to have my paperwork back. At least they didn't claim to have "lost" it or anything. I guess I officially exist once again!

Prison Dreams

They happen. I had one just last night and they are so very real. I was inside again. I was back in prison. It was a prison dream.

Only, because it's a dream everything is a bit different. People are different. Rules are different. 

In my dream, I had my own room, with a door. I had pictures hanging everywhere, I had recent been on furlough for some reason. I was friendly with an officer. I got permission to keep a "do not disturb" sign hanging on my doorknob. Like I said, it was just a dream!!!! So far from reality!!!

Truth is, pieces of the past deep in through dreams all the time. Sometimes I dream that I relapse. Sometimes I dream that I'm young and running my summer camp again. It's okay to have these dreams. We open ours eyes, and we are where we are, our brain resets to the present.

I find my dream of being in this lax prison of my dreams last night fascinating, though. I suppose it could've been more like a halfway house or prison camp based on how much leniency I was given, but I know I felt like I was in prison at the time of my dream and I was in uniform. I remember the feeling of being surrounded by my people with so many pictures on the walls and door, it was so warm, if not chaotic.

The funny thing in the dream was how I was assessing what I would write in the blog about it all. In my dream I was saying how I was going to write about getting permission to keep the "do not disturb" sign... So I did anyway - yet none of it actually happened - it was just a dream. The only thing that is real is that I actually do keep a blog... I guess my dream knew that!!!

Another Flare

It's been a couple weeks now that I've not been feeling too well. The worse part is the fatigue. Every afternoon I could lay my head down and sleep for hours if given the chance. So, I don't lay my head down. The timing couldn't be worst, finals are a month away, we move in less than two weeks, ... I need to feel good and have some energy!

I need to be working on my thesis. I already feel behind, although it's hard to be behind on a project with a far off finish date, but there is so much to do between now and then. A project of this magnitude needs steady movement. There should never be a "resting" period.

I went to my rheumatologist who upped my medication again, and added yet another pill. I have 10 medications... One that is an injection and I'm just not sure what good it all does. Sometimes I think about starting all over again. A more holistic doctor who will look at everything and we do it one at a time. The problem is that so many medications take pre-authorization and a crazy process with insurance and are like $4,000/month so I should just be glad I'm covered and just take them. But if I feel the way I do, are they really helping me?

My joints hurt. My muscles hurt. I wake up swollen all over. I walk to the restroom like a hunchback. I can barely walk two blocks. I had high hopes that this spring would mimic last spring, and I'd be working out to Jillian Michaels by now.

Many people have it much worse than me and I have a lot to be grateful for, but today I am in pain. I just thought I'd share that. Being in pain is okay though, I know how to work through it, because I will get up, make myself a healthy breakfast, start working, refuse to lay my head down, and put in a full productive day.  Tonight, I will pack some boxes for our move, get some homework done,  and get a good night's sleep. Today, I will just focus on today.

Freckles, RDAP, and Going Home

As I get ready to do my last group with TDAT - that's the aftercare for the Residential Drug and Alcohol Program (RDAP) that I did in Carswell, I'm a little bit in thought about what people have "advised" me of along the way and how I'm glad in some instances I did not listen to them.

As far as the RDAP drug program goes, I was told "don't under any circumstances do it," some prior to self surrendering and others while at Carswell. It's not worth the time off (I got a 9 month reduction and with halfway house my 33 months turned into only 12 at the institution), the program here at Carswell is way too hard you'll hate it and after you release you have to do this aftercare thing - why would you want to do that.  

Well, after my 9 months in the program and 8 months in after care - I'm extremely happy I did it. Another 9 plus months in the institution would've been ok for me but devastating for my family.  The after care is 3 hours of your time per week - in the whole scheme of things not a big deal and I did learn some valuable things about myself and how to deal with others - which in my eyes we can always learn something. Dragonfly Hazel was a big help through all of this - she knew times I was struggling and took her GA experiences and gave me great advice and the biggest piece that helped me every day is that I will not use everything the program throws at me - take what I need and discard the rest. And that's exactly what I did and used it as a huge learning experience.

Why would you go to the HH when it's in the ghetto? Just max out and then you are done with the BOP. That truly sounded like a logical plan - my pre prison self was horrified of even going near where the HH is located let alone having to basically live down there for 5 months before my home confinement date. But again, I'm glad I did it. Think about it - I was extremely afraid and nervous going into prison. I survived and made the best out of a very bad situation. You get comfortable and have a routine so people are uneasy leaving that behind. But the HH is a new chapter, a new uneasy feeling that you too will get over and settle in once again to a routine. The biggest thing that I did not realize while in prison was the toll that my incarceration put on my family. You have it easy in there - 3 hots and a cot so to speak. My husband struggled with keeping everything together with a business and 4 rescue dogs. My sister and mom were horrified that I was going through something like Locked Up that you see on TV. So all those times you call singing the blues and wanting money on your books and being a flat out entitled brat - stop it, you have it easy on the inside. You put yourself there - don't make it any worse on your family than you have to. And being at the HH you have a lot more freedoms than you did in prison - you'll get over the uneasy, horrified feeling (remember I cried my first night there wanting to go back to Texas).

All in all, it's been a ride, another chapter of the white collar girl from the burbs meets prison. As the halfway house peeps call me - Martha Stewart - well, I made it. I've grown and become a better person because of it. Thanks to everyone I've met along the way who helped me grow and become who I am. I've found "friends" in very unsuspecting places - yes even in the ghetto :) And now I'm off - with treats for my group who had endured me for 8 months. I'm sad my friend Vak and Man In the Mirror can't be there with me today - but know they'll be there in spirit. Vak is done and MIM has to work....

----Freckles

---------

Don't worry, Freckles will still be writing updates! I am so very proud of her growth as she has gone through her drug and alcohol program and life at the halfway house. I have never understood why anyone would want to stay in prison longer than necessary. Then again, I too was in for a rude awakening when I was at the reality of a halfway house. We need to change the the way programming happens while people are locked up. Freckles had one experience because programming was available. I had another because it was not. Yet, two women with fraud charges and addiction backgrounds- just different kinds of addictions. Something to think about.

I'm throwing a mini party for Freckles today although she's many states away from me. I'm going to a GA meeting and I'll dedicate my therapy in her honor. I'm not sure how I would have gotten through Carswell without our daily breakfasts. She was my daily laugh, sometimes cry, intellectual, and always confidante. I miss her. I'm so proud of her. Welcome to home confinement Freckles!!!!! You did it!!!! 🎉🎉🎉🎉🎉

Divorced Parents

I always envy those divorced parents who are still friendly and can be friends after the chaos of separation. I have a friend whose parents still spend holidays together. There is her and her son, her mom and step- father, and her dad. Her step-mom used to be there too, but she passed away a few years back unexpectedly. Her mom and her dad are still best friends, but they just were not meant to "be together." Wow, how adjusted is that family?!?

I supposed my family is much more typical. My mom and dad never speak. My dad happened to live across the street and about a dozen houses down from where my mom lives before moving to another state, and my mom never knew he lived so close by. Their spouses hate one another. Everyone bad mouths each other. They complained to my sister and I about one another from the time of their separation until present. Nothing has been amicable.

The hardest part is when there is a celebration or a funereal that forces them into the same place. High school and college graduations they could sit separately, so the difficulty was on my sister and I having to try to make them both happy separating our time in celebrations. Out of town graduations, especially my law schools graduation, got sketchy, due to my step-mom saying something nasty about my mom to my grandpa. Keeping them apart is really important.

We've had a couple funerals lately and after 20+ years of divorce, you'd think things would be calmer, but the stress is still there. Mostly on my maternal side. I think because of protecting my sister, who has not had a relationship with my father in 17 years. Complicated family relationships.

Just this morning I learned that the cancer has spread to his eye and nose. So now my realization is that I don't even know if he will be able to be there and if he is, what kind of condition he will be in. One year ago, I was told his cancer was a death sentence. It had spread to his brain. Then we'd been given so many mixed messages. He's now had it in his bladder, brain, hip, eye, and nose. My poor dad. I love him and I care about him and I pray he will be able to be at my wedding. Most of all, though, I just pray for his health. The weekend of my sisters wedding he asked me if he will be included in my wedding because he wasn't in hers, and I said, "yes," so if that's what he wants then Dad, please have the strength to be here. Most of all, have the strength to FIGHT CANCER!!!!

Having divorced parents that do not get along can be difficult, but I choose to look within myself to figure out what I need to do in my relationships. I honestly understand that my sister has hurt feelings for a reason, my mom does as well. I love both of them. I chose to rebuild my relationship with my father for my own reasons. I will never forget the past, but I do practice forgiveness.

Right now I is the time to practice prayers.

My Lower Extremities

I'm part of a research study. I'm not the researcher, but the one being researched. At the local medical school, they asked for volunteers of people with chronic health issues to pair up with first year medical students so that the students could learn about issues patients face in medical care. It's really cool! I guess I'm one of the more interesting volunteers and much younger than most.

About once a month, two young medical students come over and spend an hour with me. They ask questions, but mostly it's a conversation. I tell them stories of the medical care I've received - doctors advice that worked, bad stories, having to teach my own docs, things like that. This last week, they asked a question that stuck with me, though, what worries me health wise in the future? I couldn't lie. It's my lower extremities.

Prior to my diagnosis and possibly connected or not, I've had six ACL related surgeries on my right knee. The last one was great and my knee seems to be working great, but there is arthritis from all the surgeries and a lack of meniscus. That I can live with.

The real problem is my pain and problems on a daily basis with my lower extremities in general. The worst is from just below my knees to my Achilles and ankles. It's also in my hips. In the past, I've had to use a cane to help me walk. Some days, I'm a good walker, but then I realize that even on my good days, when I think I'm walking good, I'm still limping along way slower than even the slowest walkers. Yet, these are the good days.

So, my worry for the future is that my legs won't hold up. No matter how much I try to stay active, my legs for some reason will not let me. I'm eating healthier. I'm moving more (still wear my Fitbit). I see my doctors. I take my medications. Yet, I'm only 42 years old. If I have this much pain and discomfort now, what will it be like 5-10 years or 25 years from now? I don't want to be in a wheelchair or have to use a walker as a young woman.

Well, that was my answer... But then I came back to reality. Today, I can walk! Today, I don't need to use any aids to help me. Today, I have choices. I had to answer their question and I answered it honestly, but I cannot live in the fears of a future where anything could happen. A medication could come along and make me feel better, I may start feeling like I did last spring again sometime soon (I hope), anything is possible.

Sure there is always fear of the worse to happen in the future, but there are hopes as well. I will concentrate on those instead. For today, I will walk.

Freckles Prepares for FREEDOM!!!

I'm getting ready to enter my last week of home confinement and my last week under halfway house supervision. I release from BOP custody on Monday, March 30th - so I will be at the halfway house at midnight to sign my discharge paperwork and they will fax it over and by 12:05am I will be walking out a free woman. When I first got to the halfway house I couldn't imagine going there at midnight to do all of this - why not wait until the morning? Well, after 8 months of this, I will be there with bells and whistles on before the clock strikes midnight ready to go. Now you may get phone calls after you release, so don't be surprised. Vak got two days of phone calls (midnight and 7am ones) and also a call saying he needed to report or the Marshal's would be notified. So again, nothing can shock me anymore.

I have met with my PO 3 times already. She was the same PO I had on pretrial. She came down to the halfway house the first week I arrived to say "Hi" and see how I was doing. I went down to her office about two months ago and a few weeks ago she popped in. I'm glad that I have her - she has seen me at my worst during pretrial - an entitled, white collar criminal who doesn't deserve to go to prison with a huge attitude. To someone now who was greatly humbled and changed by her experience. She noted the difference and even gave me a hug and was glad to see me. But don't be alarmed if you haven't heard from your PO yet. There is another inmate preparing to release 10 days after me and hasn't even heard from her PO. So again, I don't think there is a specific procedure for them.

I have been emailed some forms to have ready for my PO - she is coming for a house visit on 4/1 to do what they call my "intake". One of the forms is the financial forms - unlike Dragonfly, my monthly restitution was not set by my judge during my sentencing so we now have to come up with that amount and it will start in May. There is another questionnaire that is a psychological behavior based 80 question rate from 1-5 - questions like "I do whatever it takes to get what I want",  "I have helped out friends and family with money that was obtained illegally", "I often have thoughts of hurting myself" - and on and on. Pretty interesting - and again, the one thing this experience has taught me is don't give them too much information - it can sink you. To me, the past is my past, so if I did help out friends with illegally obtained money, so be it - I'm basing it on who I am now or what I would do now which is none of the above including "thinking it's okay to break the law in certain circumstances" - because yes we've all done it - something as simple as jaywalking or speeding because we are late. Am I telling her that - heck no.

I had my last one on one with my caseworker at the HH. It's amazing how now my weekly "notes" in my case file are getting more detailed and much longer. I've had to sign a form stating if I applied or didn't apply for healthcare now that I'm leaving BOP custody. I've had to provide past phone bills that they have misplaced to verify my land line for home confinement. And a survey on how my experience at the HH was. Yes they will get their survey along with an attachment detailing out things they need to hear and a copy will go to the Regional CCM. I have paid my last subsistence, I do get paid again on Friday the 27th, but they will not see that since I'm done. Time does go fast - so I'm now getting ready for another chapter and enter the probation stage. But good news, of my 36 months my PO said likely I will release after 18 and it does not matter that I will still owe restitution it's based on you and your behaviors, so keep your nose clean and fly under the radar at all times - it all follows you out of prison and the halfway house.

-----Freckles
________

I pray that Freckles finds her initial time of freedom wonderful and serene!!! Congratulations Freckles!!! Keep up the good work!

I also hope my PO sees it fit to release me from my supervision after 12-18 months, as Freckles' PO is inclined to do for her. As you can read between Freckles' experiences and mine, there are so many differences just between our two. You can't base anything on someone else's experience. Just go about doing your best and hope for positive outcomes. 

The Real Rock Bottom

In Alcoholics Anonymous they call it the Big Book or sometimes the Blue Book. I think NA has a similar book. Most 12 step programs have some book of readings that are used at most of their meetings. At gambler's anonymous meetings we have a much thinner yellow book that we call a combo book. We also have several more books and pamphlets available just like other groups have. Almost all our meetings include readings from our combo book. Page 2 of that book talks about compulsive gambling and is read at nearly every meeting I've ever been to. The last line talks about how the "depths of our misery are fathomless and many pursue it into the gates of prison, insanity, or death..."

I always think about my gambling and how I was right at those depths with my own actions. My thoughts were no longer sane. I went to prison. I was nearly dead... Just four days from my planned suicide when I was caught (my Devine intervention).

Tonight I learned of yet another suicide by a GA member. I believe it is the third I've learned about since my release from prison. There is no real rock bottom from any addiction - except for death. That is the ultimate price of addiction. At that point, there is no further damage possible. I'm so saddened and affected by each person that I hear about that takes their life from this devastating addiction. Most I hear about have families. Young children that grow up not knowing why suddenly their parent is gone. Spouses in disbelief and with the heartbreak and the financial issues caused by the gambling. People have so little understanding of this addiction, how can we help those left behind?

When in the grips of this illness we can only imagine that gambling will be our solution to our problems. A big win will get us out. That is our sickness. Gambling is both the cause and our irrational solution. When it cannot and does not work, we dig deeper and deeper into trouble and find ourselves so lost and cannot imagine a way out. Our irrationality and inability to solve our problems lead to even bigger and riskier problems. It's a spiral effect that none of us ever imagined we could or would ever find ourselves in. 

Yet, in recovery, we find that there's practically nothing any of us did that someone else in the rooms didn't do. It's the addiction. Once in recovery, we are really different people. We are able to think and act rationally. As long as we can and do stay away from all kinds of gambling one day at a time and work our programs of recovery, we are able to live healthy, happy lives. 

Unfortunately, some people are not ready for the program. I always say that you have to be ready to surrender and be willing to truly give everything to recovery. My way got me in trouble, so I was a sponge to recovery. When we lose someone who takes their life, it just takes me back to how close to me that was. Just four days. It would have been May 15, 2008 if I had done it. It wasn't a particularly special day, it was just the day I chose. I wouldn't have been known by the GA community because I would never have been to a meeting. I would just be another statistic of a compulsive gambler who took her life. However, they probably wouldn't have even have known me as that. They would have just highlighted my crime and said it was due to that. Everything else about me would have been erased.

Tonight, I mourn for the brother who took his life and the others who we may or may not know about. If you are in trouble or even if you are not but ever consider suicide, please know that it is not the answer. I'm proof, as well as so many others I know, that life does go on. There are low days but they get better!!! Reach out to someone if you need to. We are always here for you!

If you or someone you know has a gambling problem, there is help - 1-800-GAMBLER

Suicide Talk Line: 1-800-273-TALK

You Applying for a Job?

Every month or so I make my way downtown to the federal building and go through my pockets to empty myself of all possible metal. I take off my fitbit flex, my necklace, and my jacket. I take my license out of my wallet and hide my wallet in my car somewhere. I search for quarters for the meter. I gather the papers I need and walk to the building. Inevitably I forget that I still have my cell phone or something else forbidden on me and walk back to my car, open it and put that inside, then make my way back to the building. I hand my license to the nice officers behind the metal detectors and then wait for them to tell me to step through. I always set them off. It's always my bra and/or my pants that sets it off. I never have avoided the individual wand and sometimes the pat down. It's okay. I stand with my arms out wide. I know this drill. At least I don't have anything on me that I have to put back in my car. Some people do. For those that take the bus down to the building, they are really out of luck, they won't hold your phone or wallet or anything else for you and you can't bring it in. No purse either. No backpack. No pen. Just your papers, just your i.d. Don't forget your i.d. or you will not be allowed in. There are rules.

I get past security and I walk up the pretty winding staircase to the second floor. I wish I had my fitbit flex on, at least then I could count all these steps for my day. Oh well. Doesn't really matter, does it. I think about it every time, though. It is the quietest building every time I walk it. Nobody is ever in the halls of the federal building. At least not on the second floor. I know my way. Walk partly down the hall, turn left. Walk that hall to the end. Turn left. Walk to the end. The door on the left says "come on in." I do. It's a small waiting room with a window and the same secretary behind the plexiglass every time. I usually have no appointment. My P.O. usually is not in. Turns out he is out of the office all this week. Not surprised.

I sometimes wonder if I am an easy or a difficult person on supervision. I know that I am not someone who they need to worry about doing drugs, alcohol or crimes. I mean, those have to be the most difficult. But, I am not low maintenance. I keep needing to request trips out of the state and leaving the jurisdiction is not forbidden, but it is not encouraged. I can't imagine that too many people travel as much as I have during my first 9 months of supervision. I hope it doesn't discourage them from seeking my early release from supervision. I did bring with me my letter of admission for my PhD program with the funding decisions so that is a good thing to counteract all the requests. Hopefully, that will go in the "good" file. Ha.

So, as I am in the office filling out the mounds of paperwork, a guy comes out from the office of another P.O. and sits in the waiting room. He looks at me and says,"where do I know you from?" I don't recognize him, but that means nothing. He could have a kid in my program where I work. He could work somewhere I shop. Who knows? I say, "I don't know." He then asks me if I am filling out an application to work there... He immediately assumes that I am not a fellow felon. "You applying for a job?" He asks me.

I want to say something about the fact that I am hardly dressed for applying for a professional job, but I just look at him and I say, "no, I am a felon and I am filling out my paperwork..." He looks at me funny and says, "you got in trouble?!?!" He just can't believe it. The way he emphasized the "YOU" was like it was not possible. I said, "I am just like you, nothing different..." I went back to my paperwork. He smirked and got up to do his urine sample in the bathroom. He probably has to do them far more frequently than me. I've done only two since I've been out. Most people in supervision do them at least monthly - some weekly. Most have a history of drugs and alcohol, though. Only thing they will find in my urine test is a combination of the ten prescription medications I take on a daily/weekly basis for my chronic health issues. Not very exciting and nothing that they test for.

The guy came out of the restroom and looked over at me and told me to have a good rest of the day. I told him the same. He smiled at me. I think I demolished his stereotype of a felon for a moment today. Funny that even other felons have the same stereotypes of what we look and act like. We come in all shapes, sizes, genders, ages, looks, races, etc. We are your neighbors, friends, teachers, bus drivers, cleaners, hair dressers, realtors, bankers, attorneys, doctors, jewelers, cashiers, photographers, artists, accountants, taxi drivers, homeless, parents, children, grandparents, bosses, etc. Break your stereotypes of what a felon looks and acts like. Some people are career criminals, most are not. Some people move beyond.

The Arts, Education and Prison

Spring break has come to a close and today was a long day of work and class. Mondays start for me in the office. Then I go to a short seminar. Then I head to a residence hall where my work holds our weekly tutoring session with the high school youth. We have students in several classrooms throughout the hall so I do a lot of running around. It's always exhausting by the time the day is over. Yet, very rewarding. Today I was talking one on one with youth about their schedules for next year and the importance of maintaining a rigorous high school curriculum for college admission. High schools don't necessarily require four years of math, science, language arts, etc., but we do. 

There are some students, though, that schools fail. I don't think the students fail- it's the schools. Often, I believe, these are the students who are creatively inclined, but not necessarily academic. There is one young person I currently work with that is like that. They are an incredible writer. I've read their poetry and even heard their spoken word. They have incredible talent and something worth saying. They are also incredibly smart based on my conversations with them. However, they can not seem to pass a single class - no matter the subject. They are not getting in trouble in school, they just are not interested. Their passion is elsewhere. School must have lost them a long time ago.

This student makes me think of so many of the incredible talents I met at Carswell. I am not saying that this young person will go to prison, I am saying that too many people in our prisons are people that our schools failed. They are incredibly talented souls - true artists in every sense of the word - but somehow were lost in the traditions of schooling. 

As an educator, I think it's vitally important that all our children receive a well rounded education. I also believe that we cannot allow any student to fail simply because the curriculum fails to take into account the reality of different learning styles and talents. Creative souls can learn. They may just need to learn in different types of classrooms and with educators who understand people who think outside the box.

If we want to find a way to lower the number of young people in our prison system, we need to keep them in school and learning. In order to do that, we should consider the fact that our educational system simply does not cater to all our students well. Those with money and in wealthy school districts may have options that help them find options to better meet their needs, but not everyone has those resources. 

Obviously, there are a lot more issues than just those I've mentioned here on this topic, so I will get off my soap box, but I just wanted to write about this. There are many things I never imagined I'd see in prison and one of them is the incredible art and talent of so many young, incarcerated individuals.

Halfway House Time (by Freckles)

Another great Freckles adventure:

How much half way house time does one get? And does this time include my calculated home confinement? This is a question that seems to have no answer. The BOP has a strict policy on home confinement and an exact calculation of "10% of your sentence, not to exceed 6 months" - so that's the no brainer part of the equation. And before I go into the half way house time, no they do not budge on your home confinement date - there was a lot of "inmate dot com" buzz while I was in Carswell about how the HH will release you within 72 hours if you do this, or you can get home early if you do that. Well, hate to burst the bubble, but probably won't happen. Yes I asked, yes we went to BOP, nope was not allowed....and it also seems to be the "norm" that the institution includes the HC time with the HH time they give you. I will use an easy math calculation with a sentence of 30 months - you will get 3 months HC and when they tell you you're getting 9 months HH - you are really only getting 6 HH and 3 HC to equal the 9. So don't think you'll get 9 plus the 3 which is 12. That's probably how it's suppose to be - but again, even the policy is "vague" enough so nothing is concrete and in writing to help the inmates advocate for themselves.

How much HH time is "normal"? Well, with BOP as you will learn there is no normal and there is no standard as to how this is done. I've just reached my 7 month mark of being at the half way house and am on my last month. I have seen so many people come and go - with such a variety of HH lengths. There have been people that were there when I got there and will be released after I leave - these people got 12 months. Most of these people did the RDAP drug program. There are people that even did the program that only got 6 months or less. And in the case where the person got the "or less" - they had to extend out her "max date" so she could complete the 6 month TDAT program. What a shocking surprise to her when her max out and HC date switched - she wasn't notified until she met her case manager at the HH, the institution gave her a HC date of March "no matter what" they said, but in reality with her max date being extended, her HC date will be May. Not a happy camper. But I was also in the program with people that did not have their HH extended to the 6 months to complete the TDAT program - so again, I think this is done on a case by case basis and believe it or not you have a lot to do with how they handle your situation - so as one CO always said "stay under the radar".

So as you advocate for your HH time - know that 12 months can be given and it is given, but tread a fine line when advocating, you can push them "over the edge" which can result in disaster for you. When I was at Carswell even people in the program were only getting 6 months - that was just what Carswell did I was told. They would not ask for more nor would they allow you to even challenge or talk to the warden when you wondered why? Frosty for example was at a men's prison and when he challenged the 6 months and did talk to the warden it almost ended in disaster. The warden approached the person who was dealing with Frosty and said that it's the warden's decision to decide if someone should get more HH time. Well, next time Frosty met with him he was told that "his paperwork could get delayed" ultimately resulting in little to no HH time - so as always, they beat to their own drum. In my case I had to be my own advocate. You need to start pressing the issue - I started when I entered my 2nd phase in RDAP - and was about a year out from my HC date. Needless to say - it was a huge run around, my case load was transferred, but in the end they did ask for 9 months (a July release right after graduation) and I ended up getting an August release which gave me just under 8 months (odd number of days) - which I'll take. I think mine had something to do with my "time served" - it was very coincidental that I left the institution on exactly my one year mark and arrived at the half way house on my 1 year 1 day mark. But again, no one could answer why - and even though someone does know why - I will never know. So I left it as "everything happens for a reason" and moved on and quit trying to find answers.

So know what's out there - what people are being given and how to go about getting it for yourself. No one in prison is going to give you anything unless you ask for it. You yourself are your best - and most likely only - advocate. So start early, know the trends, what's been done at your institution in the past, what's done at other institutions - knowledge is power and sometimes will work to your advantage.  Keep you head up and don't get discouraged - nothing comes easy in the "system" - but we all will get through it.

- Freckles

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As always, Freckles provides much needed prospective on life in the HWH and this experience of trying to maximize time in the HWH and in home confinement is no different. We all know how much running around I did to get myself out of Carswell and Freckles was on my heels. I think she may have set a record for getting them to budge from the initial time they were offering her to what she actually got because of the research she did and her self-advocacy. Life in a halfway house is no picnic, but being close to home, working, seeing family and friends, and starting to earn time at home really makes a difference in your life. Thanks Freckles for another great update!!!!

The Unstructured but Productive Week

As spring break comes toward its end, I can report it has been very productive.

It's been hard to maintain my new healthier eating habits and my body is reacting to the influx of "other" in my system. Between headaches and gut aches, I've decided to start another round of the Whole30 when I get back home this week. I suffered one of my worst migraines in months this week after trying to eat healthy out. There's no way of knowing what the food that brought on the headache was, but the migraine started before we even left the restaurant so I'm sure it was connected. I can't wait to feel healthy again!

After getting back home, I have to meet with my PO and I'm not sure how happy he will be. In May is a regional GA conference that I have been asked to speak at and I would like to. He will enter things into the computer and make notations and I will sit quietly and every so often he will say something and I'll nod my head or answer and then I'll get my response an hour or longer later. It's okay, though, because all of this is worth that and I can jump through these hoops- they are not too high and I at least know what the hoops are, who I need to talk to, and the process. It's a big difference from my experiences on the inside!!

A New Car

Knew that title would get your attention. No, I did not purchase a new car. Sporty leased a new car yesterday. She knew the kind of car she wanted and what she wanted to spend, but like me, anytime something financial is about to occur she gets a little nervous.

I'm not sure if I've mentioned, but I'm pretty sure I have, I met Sporty 6 1/2 years ago in GA. Like me, she was devastated financially, as well as in most areas of her life. Like me, she surrendered to recovery and has done an incredible job rebuilding nearly every aspect of her life. I'm incredibly proud of her. We were not ready for a forever relationship when entering GA. We couldn't even take care of ourselves, with hard work we are now in totally different places.

This doesn't stop us from getting nervous every time we need to qualify for any type of financial product. When gambling, most gamblers ruin their credit either during their gambling or immediately after when they find themselves with so much debt there is no real way to climb out except the long, hard way. Credit scores often plummet and then there's a long road to credit recovery. Which is good, because it is a reminder of the damage we did to ourselves.

Sporty and I sat quietly as the car dealership went and ran her credit. We knew that all the numbers already presented to us meant nothing without qualifying. ALL WAS GOOD! Yay! Unlike so many that have to go with high interest loans and subpar lenders, Sporty was approved for her financing at a low interest at the lowest monthly payments possible. That's a true sign of continued growth and recovery. 

It doesn't happen right away on the first round of things when you enter recovery. The last car was at a higher rate, but was paid off in due time. This all takes time and patience. People who want all the good things in life without any work on their part will live beyond their means and get right back in debt. It's important to live within a budget and plan accordingly. 

I am just proud of Sporty. It was a celebratory day yesterday. Plus, I had the good fortune of driving the new car for part of the ride back to my parents house. It's a great car. Here's to many happy and safe years in the new car. It is a true beauty.

The Realities of Change

It's not until we are within difference that we can actually see that life has really changed. As you all know, I love my family. I love my mom. I have struggled with my relationship in the past with my mom, but I have always loved her deeply. In recovery, it has been much easier, as I stopped with so many expectations and just started being her daughter. I started getting to know my mom for who she is, and I started to let her know me - for better or worse.

The good news is that over the past several years it appears to be for better. My mom and I have developed a good, honest relationship. My honesty may not be what she is used to, but she seems to accept it in me. We enjoy our time together. We can spend entire days together and have good conversations and not run out of things to talk about. These are things that we didn't do in the past. We just had nothing in common. I never felt as if she wanted to spend time with me.

Today, mom and I spent the day doing real mother/daughter stuff. At the end, we were still happy, talking, and enjoying one another's company. It means so much to me. It shows how much I have changed and how much our relationship has grown.

When I started my recovery journey, I never knew that it would change every aspect of my life. I only thought that I had a gambling problem... a financial problem. Reality is that addiction starts from  somewhere and in the end affects every aspect of our lives. Recovery, amazingly, can also affect every aspect of our lives. There is very little about my life that looks the same as it did when I gambled. I'm the same person, but who I am, how I look at things, and especially my relationships with others, are all different. Today I am grateful for my relationship with my mom.

Spring Break

So far I have been to a GA meeting, visited with several GA friends, spent time with my mother, walked a mall, taken a nap, fixed my parents computer, gone grocery shopping, watched four episodes of Parenthood, had brunch with my step-grandfather, and watched tv with my stepdad. My first two days of spring break are going pretty well!

I'm really not used to having so much free time. I feel like I should be opening my statistics textbook or writing my weekly reading summary. I've been balancing so many things, I didn't realize how much I needed a breather. Even my thesis can wait a couple days. I just want to concentrate on me and my health.

For the next two days, I will be with Survivor. I just look forward to some unstructured time with her. We don't get enough of that. It's her birthday today - Happy Birthday Survivor!!!!!

All the people I've spent time with these last couple days have said - "you seem really happy." I really am. I still am. All those ups and downs I write about have nothing on my overall serenity. I'm really good. Life is good. Once you stop looking for perfection and start being grateful for everything in your life, it's so much easier to be happy.

The Broken Anklet

I've worn it for about 14 months or so on my left ankle. It was yellow and blue and made of a string that was lighter on one end and darker on the other. I remember sitting in my bunk and choosing the strings and deciding which pattern I would follow to make the end product. It likely took me about an hour or a bit longer all said and done. I finished it off with a special slip knot so if I had to it could quickly be taken off my ankle. These are not allowed at Carswell, although I made them frequently for others and so did many other people. Bracelets often were confiscated, anklets were safer, because when in uniform and outside our units, they were under our socks. Once I put mine on, I never took it off. Not once. It may have been made of string, but it was something I made and it was a symbol of my individuality. When I walked around my unit in shorts and fake crocs the officers could see it, but others had them too, they were of little concern as long as we were staying out of trouble.

Once I was home, I looked at my anklet all the time. It was starting to fray. Things like this do not usually last beyond a summer at camp (the place I learned to make them). It was stretching out. I kept trying to make it tighter. I made the decision that I would not take it off until Lola was home. When I made the anklet for me, I also made anklets for Freckles and Lola. Freckles is home. Lola still needs to come home. I don't know if she still has hers.

I write of this because it broke off tonight and I'm very upset. I know that Lola has at least a half year yet before she could possibly be going to her HWH. I know the anklet was just a symbol, but I looked at it every day and said a prayer for Lola. I will still do so, but I wanted that connection. I may try to tie it back on tomorrow if I can. It's no longer pretty, but I do not care about that.

I left Carswell 9 months ago. Wow that's as long as I was there. I have not seen Lola in almost a year based on when they moved her. It may have been a long time ago, but I don't want her to ever think that just because I am out and she's still there, I am not thinking of her or that I do not value the friendship she gave me. I may not be able to be a great friend to her due to BOP guidelines, but I will find ways symbolically to stay connected.

The Monthly Report

Like clockwork as it is set to do, I hear the ring - beep, beep, beep... I look to my phone. It is my monthly reminder that my supervision report is due. I also have to pay my 10% restitution based on my gross income for last month. Snoozing the alarm is not an option. There is a deadline and I do not intend to miss it.

The first thing I do once I make sure I am on my computer and ready, is bring up the document I have that gives me all my logins and passwords. Everything is on government websites and none of the logins are easy to remember or changeable. I put everything in a safe and secure place that I know to look to when it's time to do my report and payment.

I usually do my payment first, because I will need to provide the amount in the report, although as long as I know the amount, the order does not matter. Some jurisdictions allow for online payments and others require mailed in payments or allow for phone in payments. Your PO may not actually know. Usually the website for the clerk of the court you were sentenced in has the answer or you can call and ask. My PO lets me pay after the month is complete, that's a conversation to have with your PO about when they expect payments to be paid.

Once I know I've made my payment, I log onto the website for monthly reports. Every federal person on supervision is using the same website so make sure you have a decent internet connection. It is not the most advanced technology.

The questions are pretty basic and most answers are kept from month to month, so I only have to edit changes - even my financials stay in there. I always have to edit the end balances of my bank accounts. I suppose that's a way to ensure we are paying attention. I mean most people wouldn't have the exact same balance in their checking month after month. I had to put in that I had to pay a parking ticket that T.S. got when she parked my car one day. I entered the amount I paid in my restitution. Most months that is the same - 10% of my graduate assistant stipend.

I always review the full report before hitting submit, nervous that I missed something or wrote something incorrectly. I just don't want to do anything that could misrepresent the truth. I haven't had any trouble with my reports so far, but like so many other rituals within the DOJ, I have no idea if and how they are used.

In a month I will likely be packing up my house, just days away from moving to our new digs when I will hear those beeps reminding me that it is once again time to do my report. I will sit down next to my computer, pay my 10% and fill out my report. This time I will need to ensure my PO knows that my address is about to change. Other than that, most answers will continue to be the same. Most likely, of course. The monthly report. The reminder that I am still not free.

Midterms

I've decided that midterms are some sort of hazing ritual that should be made unlawful, just like hazing at fraternities/ sororities. Having every course have exams and papers due at the same time is just mean. People should not be forced to cram study/ write for learning. That is not the best way to learn anything! Plus, since new material was still being taught just last week, there is no way to fully be prepared in advance. 

For me, I have just two courses to worry about, but both midterms are a substantial percentage of my final grades. Other than organizing my notes and knowing my readings for my org theory course, there was no way to prepare for that midterm. Last night the professor posted five questions. My midterm is to choose three and write responses to them - 1700 words per response. It is due Friday. Sounds doable, if my statistics midterm was not smack dab right in the middle of this week...

I've taken statistics before. I've done well in statistics before. Statistics scares me every time I take it! I fully understand about 50% of the content and try my best with the other 50%. There are a lot of stats tests to know, interpret, calculate, differentiate, etc. this stats class bypassed my last stats class by the third week! It goes fast!!! So, for the last week I've studied stats: t-tests, chi-square, hypothesis testing, type I and type II errors, independent and dependent variables, z-scores, normal curves, kurtosis, skewness, binomials, factorials, and more. I can't even imagine what studying for the final will be like!

I love graduate school, but I don't think that rituals such as midterms are necessary for graduate students. Projects that have us synthesize our knowledge and utilize what we are learning are far more valuable. Yes, I will be doing that too. Today I will spend half my day studying, perhaps outlining one of the questions for the org theory midterm as well, and then I will go to work for my afternoon. Tonight, I will come home and have dinner, and then I will once again go back to studying until I can no longer stare at a computer screen.

At least once this week's ritual is complete, the grand ritual of Spring Break will occur and I will have myself a one week break from all of this... Except for my thesis. I have to start my official proposal!

Scaling Down

It's hard to imagine my life prior to incarceration. I lived in a two bedroom, two full bathroom apartment to myself. Every storage space was full of my stuff and I hoarded even more in corners, on desks and shelves, and in cabinets. I had stuff. I've always complicated my life carrying around boxes of things for that rainy day I may want to have them.

I cleared out many of those things with Traveler's help before my incarceration. Many were boxed up and put in storage and then brought to where I now live with Sporty. When I moved back in here, I moved into the second bedroom all set up for me. Only a few of my most important boxes were unpacked, everything else remained boxed in the basement. Eight months later, not a single additional box has been unpacked.

There are several reasons for this. First of all, there's just no room for all my things. Unless I wanted to redo the home, I would become a true hoarder trying to fit everything somewhere. Second, I knew we would be moving at some point, so I'd go through it then. Finally, other than a couple things I really missed, I honestly had no idea what I was missing!

So sad, a life of collecting things and unless they are in front of me, I forget they even exist. Honestly, I learned to appreciate having far less "things" while incarcerated. The most important items in those boxes are photos, a couple items from my travels abroad, and journals. There's also some artwork I appreciate.

So, for the next several weeks Sporty and I have a deal. As long as we are in town (I will be out of town for spring break), we will empty at least one box per day. Many items are going to Goodwill, others are being resorted into boxes for our moves, and many trash bags are being filled. Every box is going through a full inspection and being emptied. So far we have gone through seven boxes and have not even fully packed three new ones. That is progress.

Books may always be the item I have the hardest time getting rid of. I just have an affinity for the written word, especially books I loved reading. They are such a hassle to haul around, but every one is a treasure. I'm trying to practice giving one away for every one I keep. I suppose that is progress as well.

I hope we can continue to make progress at these steps toward pairing down a bit. It can be hard at times. The end result is a much simpler life. I certainly can handle that for a while.

A Letter from the Inside

I received a letter from someone who is still at Carswell this week. It was not someone I was particularly close to, but she took a liking to me immediately when we met. We met through the Jewish activities, although she was far more religiously Jewish than I was - she had spent part of her life living in Israel.

We never lived on the same unit and we did not have the same friends. We were very different ages as well. I was one of very few people who did not know of her crime prior to meeting her and simply talked to her as a person - perhaps that was the difference. 

Had it not been that we both had medical issues we would never have been in the same prison. She was there with a life sentence for being the mastermind behind a famous murder. Her story has been written in books, included on episodes of shows such as "Snapped" and has far greater news headlines than my own. I only knew her as an older lady in a wheelchair - with a pretty brusk attitude - fighting for her rights and her healthcare like the rest of us. She was the unofficial leader of the Jewish community on the compound.

She knows me as "the woman who saved Passover." Last year was a nightmare and everything pretty much fell apart with Passover. Red and I worked together to make sure that we could have a good Seder and everyone was super happy. It really went well. I guess they were talking about it last week and so she wrote me because they are starting to plan this year's Passover - Red and I are no longer there.

I hope we left them all enough of the ideas to make this year's Passover as good if not better. The community may be small, but they deserve to enjoy their holidays just like the other communities do.

How do I feel about the fact that I received a letter from someone who happens to have such a background? It's fine with me. Truth is, we have no idea of the backgrounds of people we talk to or sit next to every single day. I personally do not feel that I have the right to judge someone else. She is already locked up for life. Being kind to her certainly does not justify her past actions but it says that she may be more than just her past. Aren't we all?

Freckles' HWH & Employment

Your HH should be there to help you with your transition. They should be supportive and try to make your job hunting as easy as possible - but from my experience, they truly do the opposite. The first problem is that along with being a job counselor, they are also expected to play police. I understand the accountability issue of knowing where you are, but there are certain things that seem a bit overboard. And one would think they would embrace felon friendly companies, but again, not true.

I'll start off with the "police" function of their job. Things changed dramatically since I first got there - the original employment coordinator was a bit more understanding, however, the new one is 99% police and 1% employment coordinator. Before you could go to a prospective employer to fill out an application by putting in a pass and while you were there you would need to obtain some "proof" that you were there. Easy enough, and not a huge red flag to the employer that you are a felon and living in the half way house. Now the employment coordinator calls the place where you are putting in your application and verifies that you are going there and what time - so basically you need to make an appointment. And then she follows up to make sure you were there when you said you were (even after bringing proof back). I know it's all about full disclosure of you being a felon - but it's also all about the timing of this disclosure. I don't think that the employer being notified before they even meet me helps my chances of getting the job at all and then having someone follow up to make sure that I was there - right there I'd be second guessing their integrity and reliability if someone has to call twice. I believe one should be able to sell themselves, including the positives obtained from their incarceration and be allowed to explain the situation and let the employer decide after meeting you and either wanting to hire you or not. People are close minded - and I would probably say that even I would be a bit "turned off" by a potential employee that was coming in living at a half way house as a felon with the hassles of the phone calls. My employer gets two phone calls a week. One to verify my work schedule for the following week and then another to verify the hours I worked the previous week - never done in the same phone call mind you. It's never easy for my employer to get them this information and not everyone will take a message or forward the information. I would think an email from the boss for your schedule the following week would be sufficient and that your paystub from the previous week would be documentation, nope. They can also do place of employment checks where the pop in and see if you are there. To me this could be done easily enough and they could "fly under the radar". Nope, they make a big scene, are extremely rude and there have been instances where the employer had to call the HH to request certain people do not come back for the checks. Not sure about you and I understand that I put myself in this situation, but it's not anyone's business at my job that I am a felon under half way house "control".

Now one would think once a felon friendly company is found, they would continue to allow residents to apply there. Not the case. This instance involves a large retailer that I worked for over the holidays, so I know they are felon friendly. The HH is claiming that they are "difficult to work with" and did not allow a fellow resident to go and apply at a store in their area. Well, since I was an employee there, I can attest to what they are talking about and it's not the employer being difficult, but the HH. I had my HR manager come up to me one day and ask why the HH was asking questions that were not allowed to ask by the human resource laws that govern our state. They were very rude and out of line stating that "people told them before" and they needed this information. I don't believe it's any of their business on how I'm performing, if I get along with other workers etc - it's their job to make sure I am at work when I say I'm at work and that is it. So once I heard "Frosty" was not allowed to go and apply we asked "why". Our TDAT counselor was able to enlighten us that the employer was brought up in their weekly meeting and they decided that they were no longer going to let residents work their because the employer is "difficult to work with". Of course the story of why was not told and it was left very vague and incomplete. So now it's the "police" violating the HR laws of the state, and when they get an employer who challenges that, they disallow residents to work there. Not fair at all.

There are folders of job leads in the coordinators office that never get put out to residents. Another TDAT resident has been helping her organize and get these out to residents while she awaits the BOP authorizing her to work for a family member. Again, jobs that are felon friendly not being shared with residents. I agree that they may be understaffed - but again, separate the police and the employment coordinator position and you may have your answer. 

I know the BOP is not known for it's finesse and handling of situations - but as we get ready to re-enter society, I think there are things that could be handled a lot differently. So please don't get frustrated when you have some of these things happen to you - yes it's hard enough to obtain employment, but be prepared for other obstacles to pop up in your way and it's how you handle them that will help you in your future endeavors!

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Once again Freckles' adventures help us learn so much about life at the halfway house. It is so true from my experience that everyone you meet that works in the system is "police" first and doing their job second. Such a reality makes administration of their duties so backward and often misguided. Remember that every HWH is different so while we have this experience from Freckles and a completely different type of experience from me, there is no way of knowing how yours may be. If you have ever lived in one, we would love to know whether your HWH also called your employer 2x/ week to check up on you or is this unique to Freckles' HWH?

15 Locations

Since I posted that little survey asking for where you all read this blog from, I've had 20 of you reply - THANK YOU! Many more of you have read that posting, but it is perfectly okay that you have chosen not to participate in the survey. I was just curious to see where folks were reading this from and I thought I would share with you that of the 20 responses, there were 15 different places (states/ countries). The difference would be greater if I include the city location, but I don't want to violate anyone's specific anonymity.

Here is the listing so far:
Alabama
Auckland, New Zealand
Florida
Georgia
Illinois
Indiana
Manchester, UK
Michigan
New Hampshire
Pennsylvania
Sandwich, UK
Texas
Virginia
Washington
West Virginia

That's pretty darn cool! Thank you all for being participants in this blog!! I may not have the largest readership, but knowing that the readership is broad based certainly means a lot! I am really looking forward to making all these writings into something academic over the next several months, but I plan to continue writing - I know my journey is not yet over and as long as I can continue to help those who may be facing the realities of life in prison and after, I plan to continue to write.

I believe Freckles has a new post for me to ensure gets uploaded soon, so be on the lookout for that. If you have not yet participated in the survey, it will continue to be available for you to participate in. Let's continue to grow the list!

A Warmer Climate

I think for the time being I need to write about something a little more positive. I've thought for sometime about moving to a warmer climate after graduation. It will be better for my health and with the winters the way they've been lately, I am pretty sure there's nothing that is going to keep me in the midwest. Chances are, I'll be making my way down to the Southeast, although if T.S. has her way, the entire family will be moving far Southwest - like coastal west - but we will see. There are careers and years that will go in to making these decisions. With the knowledge that my mother is going to be moving away from my childhood hometown within a short period of time to another state and my father lives in another state already, moving out of the midwest once again is not all that hard for me.

I like the idea of new beginnings. Although it wouldn't be entirely new - I'd be bringing people along with me. I'd have my education, my past, my friends, and most of my things. It's not like starting entirely over. However, it is a chance for a freshness of sorts - a new way of life. In a warmer climate, I can plan for outdoor walks nearly every day of the year (when it is not raining). My vitamin D deficiency that I take mega pills for may be no longer. I could potentially grow some of my own vegetables year round. I would have new GA meetings to check out. New beginnings can be fun. Plus a warmer climate means that my friends from the midwest may see my new surroundings as a fun vacation spot!!! Hahaha.

Ah, I dream. I cannot live in a dream world. Right now, I live in a place with many inches of snow and ice on the ground and it is freezing outside! However, one day, I believe I will not live here any longer. I do not know when that is, but it will be one day. Until then, I need to wear four layers of clothing to step outside and just be grateful I have heat in my home and warm boots and gloves. I'm glad I am no longer gambling and can pay my heating and other utility bills on time. But when I close my eyes, I know that I will live somewhere different one day and it brings a smile to my face because soon, the sun will shine on me most days of the year and for that, I am happy.

The Fabulous Meeting

Ah, and then there's hope. My favorite word, once again. Hope, hope, hope, hope, hope. I have it again and I'm smiling. I couldn't wait to get online and write. I spent the entire weekend lost in my head - although watching the Academy Awards was fun at times, my brain never went totally clear - except when Neil Patrick Hauser was in his underwear - what was that??? Now, I'm once again myself. I have HOPE!!! HOPE!!!

I was at work this morning and I received an email from a professor who wanted to meet with me about my thesis. It was a meeting we've been trying to schedule and they happened to have an opening, so I made my way over to their office before my class started this afternoon. They are a professor in CJ, but also have a history as an administrator and we have both worked on a committee on teaching/learning in the past. We'd already set up a summer independent study and I knew that I looked forward to learning from/with them in the future.

We spent a good 20 minutes talking through my thesis around doing an autoethnographic study around the blog entries I wrote between August 19th and May 28th of this here blog. There are some very unique things around doing an autoethnographic study and we talked through some of those issues. It was a good conversation and I was able to answer questions well and they are comfortable with me moving forward with my thesis proposal.

So good to know and remember that there are people that know my hard work and have my back. People who judge me for who I am and require more than circumstantial evidence to pass judgement. People who will go the extra mile. I was told to keep my professor informed of each step as this goes forward and I certainly will. I did not start this day even knowing I would see this professor, but I know that they were put into my day so that I would be able to have hope back into my life. I'm still having this opportunity to think about my life, choices, and opportunities. I just am glad to know that all the fears of what I had are not going to occur. I do not know the future. Right now, though, I still have a lot to be grateful for.

My professor wants to start my independent study early. That will fill up my time after midterms and spring break and give me a little less time on it this summer when I am officially taking 12 credits in order to graduate on time. Plus - I'll have my thesis. Summers usually consist of 3-6 credits due to shorter semesters, so I'll have a lot on my plate. I know I can do it.

Freckles - the HWH and Medical Care

In coming from a medical facility - I really didn't have "high hopes" of prompt or proper medical care while at my half way house. However, there are certain things that we are entitled to since we are still in BOP custody. But once again, the way the half way house administrators handle this stays true to the philosophy of the BOP meaning "backwards on purpose".

Before I left Carswell they administered a TB test so I had my negative results and they renewed all my prescriptions so I had 6 months of refills. The first mistake I made was thinking that the BOP and the HH "talk". There is no direct line of communication and nothing transfers from the BOP to the HH. In BOP's eyes, when you are leaving they believe they are setting things up to make it easier on you, when in reality the HH has no clue. So upon getting there off I go to the clinic to get a TB test (even though I had documentation stating "negative" results from less than a week earlier) and a "basic" physical. When I say basic, it's truly that, all clothes on and just a quick 5 minutes with a doctor, an eye test and height and weight. Well ok, now how do I get my prescriptions filled? Each HH has a budget for medical and dental, since they are to provide you care while you are in their custody. My HH instead uses the FREE Salvation Army clinic. So off I went to a free clinic which in my eyes I really had no business being at. There are other people that need these appointment slots, shouldn't the HH contract with a doctor's office and pay with their funding vs trying to pawn us off on the free clinics? The doctor I met with was very nice, and after getting my prescriptions filled she asked me why I was using their clinic when I had health insurance (apparently they can see that in the computer). I explained to her that the HH told me I had to use their doctor - not true, after one time to their clinic off to my primary care physician I went.

Now on to the dentist - after 2 months of being there I had a filling fall out. It was substantial in size so half of my tooth was literally gone and all was exposed. Once again, they set up an appointment with me at a free/sliding scale clinic down in the bario. Off I went. The dentist was very nice and they did X-rays and worked up a detailed treatment plan on what work needed to be done - including a cleaning since I did not have one now in over a year of being in BOP custody. Odd thing, upon leaving, the receptionist noted that she would be sending over everything to my HH but also "warned" me that NOTHING ever gets approved from them so plan on not getting the work I needed done and to probably be prepared to make other arrangements. Interesting. So me being me, I went on the BOP website and pulled all their "guidelines" on providing dental care, I was going to be armed and informed knowing that I 'would be declined'. And within a few days what do you know - my work was declined. I contacted our regional office and filed some "grievance" paperwork on this matter. Well, apparently our HH was not submitting paperwork correctly and region was upset so region was now coming to our HH to train the caseworkers. Whew, I finally thought I was making headway. Fast forward 3 months later, still no resolution. My casework resubmitted my paperwork for approval. The clinic they have us use does not have the capabilities to send "electronic" x-rays which the BOP requires. Now why would the HH use a dentist that can't even provide the BOP what they need to approve the work - you got it, if it doesn't get approved, the monies don't get spent and they can use them elsewhere. After further run around, I spoke to the clinic and they were not sending anything to my HH due to the fact that they had not yet paid for my initial exam which was over 3 months ago. So now my caseworker informs me they are trying to find a "free" clinic for us to use - my response, was to just shake my head and ask "why"? Knowing I tried, I made an appointment with my dentist. My filling is now fixed and I'm going to get my cleaning today.

There are certain things that as "prisoners" still in BOP custody we are entitled to. But beware, the HH does not make it easy. However, on a good note - the BOP has just informed our HH that while in custody and at the HH the inmates are eligible for "ObamaCare" and the low income medicaid if offered in your state. Because when I arrived they had you sign documentation stating that it was "fraud" to obtain these benefits due to what they called "double dipping". Odd that the state and the feds can not even agree on something as simple as subsidized medical. My advice, as soon as you land at the HH (or prior if you have someone you trust to start the process), get your health insurance in place and avoid the madness and hoop jumping I went through.

At the end of the day I was not fighting for just me - I knew that I would get my teeth taken care of one way or another - but I was trying to hopefully make enough waves that these horrific situations wouldn't happen to future HH resident. Again, a fail - for now. I am documenting all of this and hopefully will get some resolve when I send to our region (after my release of course). In our HH, it is not worth causing any type of friction, they can easily make your re-entry more challenging, which unfortunately they choose to do to individuals on a daily basis. 

-Freckles

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As you all know from my experience, I was able to get on Medicaid/Obamacare as soon as I got home on home confinement from the HWH. My HWH would not allow me to fill out the online application while there. Freckles' experience in another state is very interesting and she happened to have her own private insurance. While in BOP custody, the BOP is responsible for your medical coverage, however they can refuse to cover your treatments, as Freckles experienced- as we also experienced even when locked up.

A Chance to Say "Thank You"

I've been asked to speak at a regional gambler's anonymous conference as a closing speaker. Being the closing speaker is great... less people stick around for the final day, so there is way less pressure. It's also in the region I originally started my GA recovery in - these folks are my family, my people. When I was incarcerated, I received cards and letters nearly every single day from people in those rooms wishing me well and giving me words of strength. Sometimes, entire GA meetings would sign cards and send them in to me to tell me that they were thinking of me. Although I no longer lived within their region having moved to another for school, they still loved and cared about me, especially as I was serving my time at Carswell. This is what the GA program and our recovery programs are all about.

I look forward to my opportunity to share words of hope, wisdom and strength with people in the room. As the closing speaker, I will try to bring the weekend to a close with words of inspiration and thoughts that may help those that are still struggling with gambling. This is my opportunity to do more, though, as I get to practice my program as well. This is my opportunity to thank everyone, whether they are present or not, for all their prayers, letters, cards, and books that made my time away feel as if they were with me all along. I never spent even one hour of my time at Carswell feeling lonely or unloved. My program helped me believe strongly in my higher power, but I also knew that I had all these people back home who cared deeply about me and my wellbeing, even if they'd never even met me. I received cards from perfect strangers who had only heard my story. That's the power of this program. I've only recently been asked to speak and I will not be doing so for a couple months, so the speech is not yet written, but a good part of it will be about the fellowship of GA, the power of that fellowship, and my gratitude toward each and every person in it.

How amazing it is that I am given this grand opportunity to say such a formal thanks. I have to admit that I am nervous. I love public speaking, but I do get nervous. Sounds weird but it's true. I can teach to a classroom of 200+ students with no problem, but I am not talking about myself, my story. I suppose that half the people or more will have already heard much of my story at the closing - more than 100 people attended my 5 year GA pinning prior to my incarceration. The real story starts there, though, doesn't it?!?!

Perhaps one day I will be somewhere and my thanks will be able to go to each one of you, who choose to read this blog. Maybe I'll be speaking somewhere and you will be in the audience. Wouldn't that be something? We never know what the future may hold - one day at a time is all we do know. I hope you all know how much I appreciate you for being a part of my life. If no one read this blog, I would likely still write in it, but it's so much better knowing that people get something out of reading it. So, thank you! Thank you! Thank you!

Timehopping and Forgiving My Former Program

I was looking at an application on my phone that has me look back at this day in time and "repost" things to facebook if I think they are funny or interesting, etc. It's called "timehop" and is a fun phone application to see how far I've come. At most, it looks back about 5/6 years, as that is how long I've been a facebook use. Crazy to think how much our lives become used to using something - kinda like I can't believe I've only been writing in this blog for 1 1/2 years...

Anyway, I was reading this day in history and four years ago, I visited my University for the first time. I was visiting my old program. They had a weekend planned for new admits to 'sell' us on the program and the University - and I was sold immediately. It was the "community" I noticed first. I was paired up with a 'buddy' who answered all my questions. The community went out at night for dinner and shmoozing. The faculty were really approachable. Of course, the opportunities offered were one of a kind as well. I kept comparing every other place to here. I knew where I wanted to be.

My next time hope post, a year later, I posted, "It was this weekend last year that [my University] and [my program] just blew me away... Let's do that for the visiting admits this year!..." and that night, as the person now volunteering to do all the evening get-togethers, I posted a reminder for the current students to come out and meet the new folks for a schmooze fest at a local restaurant/bar. It was one year later, I was part of that community that I hailed so much as why I wanted to attend this school.

Most people avoid the conversation with me about my former program and my admission being revoked while I was incarcerated. I mean I am back in - ce la vie. Many of the people I started my journey with are actually graduating this year with their PhD! They will all be gone from our community before this summer. I rarely bump into anyone I know from there, even though we are on the same campus. It's a large University. It's not a conversation I want to avoid, though, and here's why...

I was a part of that community, and to me, I was a valuable part. Everyone who is part of a community is valuable. Where I think my former community failed me is that they never let me have a voice. I was never given an opportunity to speak and tell my story. Decisions were made based on rumors and a lot of one-sided media. I think that is very unfair. As someone who was a part of their community, who volunteered for all their events, who represented them without fail and did an acceptable job at research conferences, who earned acceptable grades in their coursework, and who offered to be honest (but was told by faculty to remain quiet for now), I deserved a chance to be heard. That is where I still felt hurt.

However, I work a program of recovery. In that recovery, I need to practice forgiveness. I also believe that things do happen for a reason. Had I not been kicked out of the program I was in, I would not have found my new program. I never thought I would be passionate about criminal justice, but I am and I am excited to be connecting my education knowledge with criminal justice. Education gave me the tools and preparedness to take on the challenges I have being in a very rigorous program now. I know that over the next 4 1/2 years or so, I will see many more faces of my past program and I look forward to doing so, because I miss many of them. They were mentors and teachers that I admired and continue to do so. I forgive because I have no knowledge of what really occurred behind closed doors. I never will. So, I am practicing forgiveness right now. I am where I need to be. Today, I forgive all the faculty of my old program and also wish well all the students who are moving on to their new lives in the near future. They are truly an amazing community of scholars.

As for the University, I know that they did not follow protocol in dismissing me, but they've done right by me ever since and I'm proud to attend such a great research University. I've said since the day my admission was revoked that I will walk across that graduation stage, and I will. No one around me will know the exact journey that had led to that day - and I'm sure there are other graduates that will have overcome some hefty trials as well. As always, I am not unique or special. I just have a lot of hope and I will persevere!

Where are they now?

I decided to do some research on my friends left in Texas. I knew some of them may have been transferred away, or were hoping to, so, I went on the federal inmate finder to see where everyone may be at the moment. I was pretty pleasantly surprised to find that many of my friends were no longer behind the fences at FMC Carswell!! Here's what I learned:

Cali has been transferred much closer to home and is at the Dublin camp. I'm sure she gets to spend time with her husband and family.

Appeal is still at FMC Carswell.

My bunkie must either be at a HWH or on home confinement in her region. Yay!

Taz is still at FMC Carswell for a bit longer. She has some new pen pals she is enjoying.

A former education coworker a good person was finally transferred to the Phoenix camp, where she can be close to her husband who is undergoing chemo. I'm so glad she can see him during her visitation hours!

Chi is still at the Carswell camp but she loves it there. She works in rec and it is much better than the prison side of Carswell.

Freckles is out of the HWH (although I think she may still post some stories about it) and is serving time on home confinement in her region.

Lola is at the Carswell prison camp and also works at rec in an administrative type position. She is able to smile and laugh again.

Nurse was transferred to Victorville. With all her situations of being at the wrong place at the wrong time, I'm so glad she finally was transferred to a camp. I imagine she sees her daughters and granddaughter frequently!

Glitter has about three more months at Carswell. I know she may have to serve some state time after that. I pray she doesn't. I don't know why they don't allow sentences to be run at the same time for nonviolent crimes especially.

Star is home with her three kids and doing well. She took her ACT to go back to college. Her baby born in prison is a very healthy boy.

South is healthy and strong. Unfortunately, she's lost some close family members since coming back home. Loss is never easy.

Red is a newlywed and happy. She was recently promoted at her job and is looking to go back to college.

Mama, as you know, is at Lexington and seeing her family every weekend. Her parents finally have custody of her boys.

There are others, of course, but I do not know any updates. It takes a bit of investigating to do this. I wish I gave everyone names so I could report on more. A lot of changes in just over six months. I wonder if that's mostly true due to us being at a medical center or if it would be true at any prison. Anyone you are curious about?

Where are you all at?

So, I get these statistics that "kind of" tell me where my readers are at, but I'm curious where you are 'really' at. Would you all be willing to do me a favor?

When you opened this page, a survey popped up for you to tell me where you read this blog. When you happen to come across this survey, will you fill out where you happen to be reading it? It would be great to see where the readership happens to be. Don't feel as if you have to include your names - this is an anonymous site for all who choose to let it be so... I'd love to see a bunch of folks add their locations... THANKS!!!!