The Real Rock Bottom

In Alcoholics Anonymous they call it the Big Book or sometimes the Blue Book. I think NA has a similar book. Most 12 step programs have some book of readings that are used at most of their meetings. At gambler's anonymous meetings we have a much thinner yellow book that we call a combo book. We also have several more books and pamphlets available just like other groups have. Almost all our meetings include readings from our combo book. Page 2 of that book talks about compulsive gambling and is read at nearly every meeting I've ever been to. The last line talks about how the "depths of our misery are fathomless and many pursue it into the gates of prison, insanity, or death..."

I always think about my gambling and how I was right at those depths with my own actions. My thoughts were no longer sane. I went to prison. I was nearly dead... Just four days from my planned suicide when I was caught (my Devine intervention).

Tonight I learned of yet another suicide by a GA member. I believe it is the third I've learned about since my release from prison. There is no real rock bottom from any addiction - except for death. That is the ultimate price of addiction. At that point, there is no further damage possible. I'm so saddened and affected by each person that I hear about that takes their life from this devastating addiction. Most I hear about have families. Young children that grow up not knowing why suddenly their parent is gone. Spouses in disbelief and with the heartbreak and the financial issues caused by the gambling. People have so little understanding of this addiction, how can we help those left behind?

When in the grips of this illness we can only imagine that gambling will be our solution to our problems. A big win will get us out. That is our sickness. Gambling is both the cause and our irrational solution. When it cannot and does not work, we dig deeper and deeper into trouble and find ourselves so lost and cannot imagine a way out. Our irrationality and inability to solve our problems lead to even bigger and riskier problems. It's a spiral effect that none of us ever imagined we could or would ever find ourselves in. 

Yet, in recovery, we find that there's practically nothing any of us did that someone else in the rooms didn't do. It's the addiction. Once in recovery, we are really different people. We are able to think and act rationally. As long as we can and do stay away from all kinds of gambling one day at a time and work our programs of recovery, we are able to live healthy, happy lives. 

Unfortunately, some people are not ready for the program. I always say that you have to be ready to surrender and be willing to truly give everything to recovery. My way got me in trouble, so I was a sponge to recovery. When we lose someone who takes their life, it just takes me back to how close to me that was. Just four days. It would have been May 15, 2008 if I had done it. It wasn't a particularly special day, it was just the day I chose. I wouldn't have been known by the GA community because I would never have been to a meeting. I would just be another statistic of a compulsive gambler who took her life. However, they probably wouldn't have even have known me as that. They would have just highlighted my crime and said it was due to that. Everything else about me would have been erased.

Tonight, I mourn for the brother who took his life and the others who we may or may not know about. If you are in trouble or even if you are not but ever consider suicide, please know that it is not the answer. I'm proof, as well as so many others I know, that life does go on. There are low days but they get better!!! Reach out to someone if you need to. We are always here for you!

If you or someone you know has a gambling problem, there is help - 1-800-GAMBLER

Suicide Talk Line: 1-800-273-TALK

You Applying for a Job?

Every month or so I make my way downtown to the federal building and go through my pockets to empty myself of all possible metal. I take off my fitbit flex, my necklace, and my jacket. I take my license out of my wallet and hide my wallet in my car somewhere. I search for quarters for the meter. I gather the papers I need and walk to the building. Inevitably I forget that I still have my cell phone or something else forbidden on me and walk back to my car, open it and put that inside, then make my way back to the building. I hand my license to the nice officers behind the metal detectors and then wait for them to tell me to step through. I always set them off. It's always my bra and/or my pants that sets it off. I never have avoided the individual wand and sometimes the pat down. It's okay. I stand with my arms out wide. I know this drill. At least I don't have anything on me that I have to put back in my car. Some people do. For those that take the bus down to the building, they are really out of luck, they won't hold your phone or wallet or anything else for you and you can't bring it in. No purse either. No backpack. No pen. Just your papers, just your i.d. Don't forget your i.d. or you will not be allowed in. There are rules.

I get past security and I walk up the pretty winding staircase to the second floor. I wish I had my fitbit flex on, at least then I could count all these steps for my day. Oh well. Doesn't really matter, does it. I think about it every time, though. It is the quietest building every time I walk it. Nobody is ever in the halls of the federal building. At least not on the second floor. I know my way. Walk partly down the hall, turn left. Walk that hall to the end. Turn left. Walk to the end. The door on the left says "come on in." I do. It's a small waiting room with a window and the same secretary behind the plexiglass every time. I usually have no appointment. My P.O. usually is not in. Turns out he is out of the office all this week. Not surprised.

I sometimes wonder if I am an easy or a difficult person on supervision. I know that I am not someone who they need to worry about doing drugs, alcohol or crimes. I mean, those have to be the most difficult. But, I am not low maintenance. I keep needing to request trips out of the state and leaving the jurisdiction is not forbidden, but it is not encouraged. I can't imagine that too many people travel as much as I have during my first 9 months of supervision. I hope it doesn't discourage them from seeking my early release from supervision. I did bring with me my letter of admission for my PhD program with the funding decisions so that is a good thing to counteract all the requests. Hopefully, that will go in the "good" file. Ha.

So, as I am in the office filling out the mounds of paperwork, a guy comes out from the office of another P.O. and sits in the waiting room. He looks at me and says,"where do I know you from?" I don't recognize him, but that means nothing. He could have a kid in my program where I work. He could work somewhere I shop. Who knows? I say, "I don't know." He then asks me if I am filling out an application to work there... He immediately assumes that I am not a fellow felon. "You applying for a job?" He asks me.

I want to say something about the fact that I am hardly dressed for applying for a professional job, but I just look at him and I say, "no, I am a felon and I am filling out my paperwork..." He looks at me funny and says, "you got in trouble?!?!" He just can't believe it. The way he emphasized the "YOU" was like it was not possible. I said, "I am just like you, nothing different..." I went back to my paperwork. He smirked and got up to do his urine sample in the bathroom. He probably has to do them far more frequently than me. I've done only two since I've been out. Most people in supervision do them at least monthly - some weekly. Most have a history of drugs and alcohol, though. Only thing they will find in my urine test is a combination of the ten prescription medications I take on a daily/weekly basis for my chronic health issues. Not very exciting and nothing that they test for.

The guy came out of the restroom and looked over at me and told me to have a good rest of the day. I told him the same. He smiled at me. I think I demolished his stereotype of a felon for a moment today. Funny that even other felons have the same stereotypes of what we look and act like. We come in all shapes, sizes, genders, ages, looks, races, etc. We are your neighbors, friends, teachers, bus drivers, cleaners, hair dressers, realtors, bankers, attorneys, doctors, jewelers, cashiers, photographers, artists, accountants, taxi drivers, homeless, parents, children, grandparents, bosses, etc. Break your stereotypes of what a felon looks and acts like. Some people are career criminals, most are not. Some people move beyond.

The Arts, Education and Prison

Spring break has come to a close and today was a long day of work and class. Mondays start for me in the office. Then I go to a short seminar. Then I head to a residence hall where my work holds our weekly tutoring session with the high school youth. We have students in several classrooms throughout the hall so I do a lot of running around. It's always exhausting by the time the day is over. Yet, very rewarding. Today I was talking one on one with youth about their schedules for next year and the importance of maintaining a rigorous high school curriculum for college admission. High schools don't necessarily require four years of math, science, language arts, etc., but we do. 

There are some students, though, that schools fail. I don't think the students fail- it's the schools. Often, I believe, these are the students who are creatively inclined, but not necessarily academic. There is one young person I currently work with that is like that. They are an incredible writer. I've read their poetry and even heard their spoken word. They have incredible talent and something worth saying. They are also incredibly smart based on my conversations with them. However, they can not seem to pass a single class - no matter the subject. They are not getting in trouble in school, they just are not interested. Their passion is elsewhere. School must have lost them a long time ago.

This student makes me think of so many of the incredible talents I met at Carswell. I am not saying that this young person will go to prison, I am saying that too many people in our prisons are people that our schools failed. They are incredibly talented souls - true artists in every sense of the word - but somehow were lost in the traditions of schooling. 

As an educator, I think it's vitally important that all our children receive a well rounded education. I also believe that we cannot allow any student to fail simply because the curriculum fails to take into account the reality of different learning styles and talents. Creative souls can learn. They may just need to learn in different types of classrooms and with educators who understand people who think outside the box.

If we want to find a way to lower the number of young people in our prison system, we need to keep them in school and learning. In order to do that, we should consider the fact that our educational system simply does not cater to all our students well. Those with money and in wealthy school districts may have options that help them find options to better meet their needs, but not everyone has those resources. 

Obviously, there are a lot more issues than just those I've mentioned here on this topic, so I will get off my soap box, but I just wanted to write about this. There are many things I never imagined I'd see in prison and one of them is the incredible art and talent of so many young, incarcerated individuals.

Halfway House Time (by Freckles)

Another great Freckles adventure:

How much half way house time does one get? And does this time include my calculated home confinement? This is a question that seems to have no answer. The BOP has a strict policy on home confinement and an exact calculation of "10% of your sentence, not to exceed 6 months" - so that's the no brainer part of the equation. And before I go into the half way house time, no they do not budge on your home confinement date - there was a lot of "inmate dot com" buzz while I was in Carswell about how the HH will release you within 72 hours if you do this, or you can get home early if you do that. Well, hate to burst the bubble, but probably won't happen. Yes I asked, yes we went to BOP, nope was not allowed....and it also seems to be the "norm" that the institution includes the HC time with the HH time they give you. I will use an easy math calculation with a sentence of 30 months - you will get 3 months HC and when they tell you you're getting 9 months HH - you are really only getting 6 HH and 3 HC to equal the 9. So don't think you'll get 9 plus the 3 which is 12. That's probably how it's suppose to be - but again, even the policy is "vague" enough so nothing is concrete and in writing to help the inmates advocate for themselves.

How much HH time is "normal"? Well, with BOP as you will learn there is no normal and there is no standard as to how this is done. I've just reached my 7 month mark of being at the half way house and am on my last month. I have seen so many people come and go - with such a variety of HH lengths. There have been people that were there when I got there and will be released after I leave - these people got 12 months. Most of these people did the RDAP drug program. There are people that even did the program that only got 6 months or less. And in the case where the person got the "or less" - they had to extend out her "max date" so she could complete the 6 month TDAT program. What a shocking surprise to her when her max out and HC date switched - she wasn't notified until she met her case manager at the HH, the institution gave her a HC date of March "no matter what" they said, but in reality with her max date being extended, her HC date will be May. Not a happy camper. But I was also in the program with people that did not have their HH extended to the 6 months to complete the TDAT program - so again, I think this is done on a case by case basis and believe it or not you have a lot to do with how they handle your situation - so as one CO always said "stay under the radar".

So as you advocate for your HH time - know that 12 months can be given and it is given, but tread a fine line when advocating, you can push them "over the edge" which can result in disaster for you. When I was at Carswell even people in the program were only getting 6 months - that was just what Carswell did I was told. They would not ask for more nor would they allow you to even challenge or talk to the warden when you wondered why? Frosty for example was at a men's prison and when he challenged the 6 months and did talk to the warden it almost ended in disaster. The warden approached the person who was dealing with Frosty and said that it's the warden's decision to decide if someone should get more HH time. Well, next time Frosty met with him he was told that "his paperwork could get delayed" ultimately resulting in little to no HH time - so as always, they beat to their own drum. In my case I had to be my own advocate. You need to start pressing the issue - I started when I entered my 2nd phase in RDAP - and was about a year out from my HC date. Needless to say - it was a huge run around, my case load was transferred, but in the end they did ask for 9 months (a July release right after graduation) and I ended up getting an August release which gave me just under 8 months (odd number of days) - which I'll take. I think mine had something to do with my "time served" - it was very coincidental that I left the institution on exactly my one year mark and arrived at the half way house on my 1 year 1 day mark. But again, no one could answer why - and even though someone does know why - I will never know. So I left it as "everything happens for a reason" and moved on and quit trying to find answers.

So know what's out there - what people are being given and how to go about getting it for yourself. No one in prison is going to give you anything unless you ask for it. You yourself are your best - and most likely only - advocate. So start early, know the trends, what's been done at your institution in the past, what's done at other institutions - knowledge is power and sometimes will work to your advantage.  Keep you head up and don't get discouraged - nothing comes easy in the "system" - but we all will get through it.

- Freckles

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As always, Freckles provides much needed prospective on life in the HWH and this experience of trying to maximize time in the HWH and in home confinement is no different. We all know how much running around I did to get myself out of Carswell and Freckles was on my heels. I think she may have set a record for getting them to budge from the initial time they were offering her to what she actually got because of the research she did and her self-advocacy. Life in a halfway house is no picnic, but being close to home, working, seeing family and friends, and starting to earn time at home really makes a difference in your life. Thanks Freckles for another great update!!!!

The Unstructured but Productive Week

As spring break comes toward its end, I can report it has been very productive.

It's been hard to maintain my new healthier eating habits and my body is reacting to the influx of "other" in my system. Between headaches and gut aches, I've decided to start another round of the Whole30 when I get back home this week. I suffered one of my worst migraines in months this week after trying to eat healthy out. There's no way of knowing what the food that brought on the headache was, but the migraine started before we even left the restaurant so I'm sure it was connected. I can't wait to feel healthy again!

After getting back home, I have to meet with my PO and I'm not sure how happy he will be. In May is a regional GA conference that I have been asked to speak at and I would like to. He will enter things into the computer and make notations and I will sit quietly and every so often he will say something and I'll nod my head or answer and then I'll get my response an hour or longer later. It's okay, though, because all of this is worth that and I can jump through these hoops- they are not too high and I at least know what the hoops are, who I need to talk to, and the process. It's a big difference from my experiences on the inside!!