From Dragonfly: Iced In

Grand Rapids/Dallas is at a stand-still, ever since Thursday night's sleet storm. People cannot get out of their homes because their cars are in the garage and their streets are covered in ice. People around here do not have the northerners experience of driving on ice (not that anyone should - I tore my ACL for the 4th time when I fell on black ice on my campus almost 2 years ago). Anyway, the ice has given everyone a couple days at home with their families. This morning, I even saw that a ton of churches cancelled services.

With this storm, many officers have not made it to Carswell. There is only one cleared sidewalk - the shortest distance between the housing unit and the main/medical building. Therefore, the Carswell Compound is closed. They even cancelled visitation for the entire weekend. I feel horrible for any family members who made the trek (possibly from far distances) to see their loved one, only to find out that they cancelled visitation. Now, I need to say that the ice is about a half inch at places and is mostly snowy ice on the grass areas. Back in the Midwest, a bunch of sand and/or salt would have cleared this campus in hours. However, they do not stock these things here, because these kinds of storms don't happen here (usually).

Since it is not a cleared walkway, we are not able to go to indoor rec for days. So, since people depend on the equipment to work out at indoor rec, they are doing laps in the housing units - upstairs, walk a hallway, down stair, walk the floor, back upstairs, walk a hallway, downstairs... and so on. One woman I know walked 3 miles that way yesterday. I wanted to go to indoor rec to order some different colors of yarn for crocheting. The order was due by last night - for delivery in late January... I am hoping they extend the deadline due to them being closed. But, here at Carswell, rules, not logic, make decisions. If I have to wait, I will not receive the yarn until late February. Talk about needing to plan ahead!!

It is also not allowed for anyone to stay outside, other than the walk between buildings. I've seen many people, especially those from  Mexico, trying to touch snow for the first time in their life. I heard one say, "It's so cold." I can't imagine having only seen snow on television and never played in it in real life. Anyway, since they were off the walking path, they got in trouble for being on the snow. My dream snowman was never built.

Everyone is pretty much stuck inside their housing units, now, for the third day in a row. If you want to see restlessness, that's what it is like. I've seen fighting come from nothing, screaming about mundane issues, and rudeness like never before. There are not even enough chairs for the number of people in the unit, so when someone goes to the bathroom, their chair disappears with someone taking it elsewhere and claiming it for their own butt.

I spent the last couple days crocheting, card sending, doing crosswords, reading, and watching football. I was able to sign up for the sports television yesterday in order to watch a couple AMAZING college football championships. I must have looked a lot like my mother does when she sits with my step-dad and watches football. I was crocheting and watching. She knits sometimes. I always watched her and couldn't figure out how she does her knitting and television, but yesterday, I did both as well. Guess I am becoming a better crocheter. Oh, and I crochet like NOONE else... I can't hold the hook and string right because of pain in my hands, but I have a two handed way of doing it that works great. It's slower than most crocheters. My friends say I am 'knitcheting' because it almost looks like I am knitting, but with the single crochet hook.

Iced-in days are very slow. All we do is sit around. The C.O.s that make it to Carswell are restless as well. Yesterday, 18 people had to do "extra duty" because they got into trouble in my unit.

People are also trying to hustle hard this weekend for the things they want. I've been asked for some of my yarn many, many times. I am not engaging in the mass hustle this weekend. I have everything I need and plan to shop commissary again tomorrow (if it is open). People are paying crazy amounts of money for their hustles too --- robes going for $75, food items for 2x their normal cost, and coffee is at a premium right now. In addition, the line for phones and in the email room are absolutely crazy.

I hope that tomorrow becomes a normal day at Carswell once again. Today the weather should be above freezing for a couple hours and then tomorrow it warms up even more. Throughout this week, we will be on a warming trend - not hot, but above freezing. I hope this weekend may prompt Carswell to have weather contingency plans in the future.

I Didn't Want to Lie to You

On 9/11/2013 Dragonfly Hazel wrote a letter to Survivor during a really tough day. It did not start or end with "I am okay." The truth was, she could not lie to Survivor:

9-11-13 

Survivor,

Just finished the final standing count of the day. I’m in my bed trying desperately to stop the water falling from my eyes. I’m telling myself the serenity prayer. I’m repeating that, “other people’s opinions are none of my business.” I am just not emotionally strong or capable of handling the meanness of people here, especially some of my roommates and no one has my back. No matter what kind of “friendship” I think I’m forming, in the end the only person here I can count on is myself. Recovery wise I am strong but part of my recovery was to “feel” again. I had years of barely ever crying in my life, but feeling comes with consequences and my tears are one of those consequences. People tell me to be strong, but I’m not made that way. I am kind and sensitive, both of which are weaknesses in prison.

So, what happened? My roommate [Danbury] made us dinner tonight. I assisted a bit. We had fun and enjoyed the food. My roommate separated the food in 7 pieces, one for each of us, but 3 of the roommates were not here at the time, so the food was put aside for them. Around 8:40pm, I came back to my unit/room from the email office. We all have to be in our room at that time. Well, the roommate who cooked, offered the food to the others and when one of them didn’t immediately take her up on it, I added that the food is really good. Supporting the roommate that cooked. Suddenly, the other roommate [Hust] who had declined the food screams at me to not butt into the conversation. It’s not like it was a personal, private conversation. Then she tells me that everyone in the room is just annoyed and frustrated with me, since I “know” things and sometimes give my thoughts on stuff. Everyone else is allowed to, but I guess I am not. I pointed out that she often gives her opinion on things I’m talking about and/or breaks into conversations as well. We are a ‘room’ and people just talk all the time. They just don’t want me talking. I sure as hell don’t think it’s a good thing to fit in at prison. South, my older “friend,” said nothing, she just reacted facially to the other roommates mean, hurtful comments. That’s the thing about prison, no one has your back, silence is our safety.

So, I just lie down, open my book, start trying to read and hide my tears. But, my friend Chi comes by and wants to talk, so I go out of the room with her and she can see I’m upset, but I won’t’ tell her why, she just knows my roommates can be particularity mean. They are in the bus stop because of their past actions (unless they are new) including time in the SHU, fights, mouthing off, and more. I am stuck here because the minute a lower bunk opens somewhere, there is a new inmate placed in it. I am stuck due to no bed space anywhere.

I get back in my room and my roommate immediately think I was talking about her and I was not. I said nothing, Chi saw I was upset and comforted me, but I have held true to my conviction to tell on no one for any reason, to avoid getting beat up or worse. So, as she is telling me not to talk about her, I reply, “I don’t talk about you.” Such satisfaction she gets from her power trip, I have only been nice to her, but she can’t stand that I have a hard time bending down to get things under beds, that I am educated, that I follow the rules here and don’t engage in the underground market, and that I have commissary funds. She doesn’t like that on my second day, I did not hide food for a different roommate whose locker was being searched and that I said, “I’m here to do my time, not anyone else’s.” She hates the amount of mail I get. She calls me a brat because of my outside community of support. Putting me down is her power trip. She said everyone is annoyed with me, yet who gave her the power to speak for everyone in the room? I didn’t see or hear anyone else nodding or agreeing. These are strong women from the streets, involved in humongous drug rings. Yet, I know that inside they are just a product of unfair circumstances and/or addiction. They have fired guns, been in fist fights, and have high violence tendency. I am a “0” on the prison’s violence scale. They are imprisoned for years, the woman harassing me has been here 10 years. 

Meeting someone like me probably makes no sense to her. Later, as I was reading, Hust came over to my bed, not to apologize per se, but to hug me and tell me she still likes me. I guess she got an earful when I was out talking to Chi. I sat here and she hugged me, but I did not return the hug, no matter how hard she tried. All I said to her was, “Okay” to whatever she said, acknowledging but not forgiving. This is the time between Rosh Hashanah and Yom Kippur and it is important that I forgive, but I need time. Her hug made me think of any abuser, who goes psycho, but then tries to hug for forgiveness. She stated clearly that she does not think she did anything wrong, as she is “warning” me because other inmates will treat me even worse. Like somehow her actions will change me and my personality?!? What if I have finally come to terms to accept myself just the way I am and I do not need a career offender telling me how I should “act.” I am humble, giving, sincere, and honest. I choose to maintain these qualities, even if it means that I am not liked. 

This is not about being comfortable in prison, my goal is to accept responsibility for my past actions and to accept that it means spending months being uncomfortable and out of place in this place. 

People do not have to like me, but I cannot be their verbal punching bag either. I had a harassing supervisor at [a past job] who put me in a bad place, but I had choices and could leave that job and the harassment. Here, I have no choices. I must handle everything with no place to feel safe or accepted/acceptable.

I do not want to be hardened by this experience. Recovery gave me the right to have emotions. I feel prison will try to take it away. Every day, my letters and emails help me hold true to my true self. I will continue to be so grateful for the short breaks they give me from my current reality.

Okay, I know, depressing letter, ugh. But I can’t give a therapy and I needed to get all of this out. Thank you for reading.

Love, Dragonfly

p.s. Sorry I didn’t start this letter with, “I am okay.” I didn’t want to lie to you.

I AM OKAY!

On 8-26-2013 I wrote a one page note with the large words "I AM OKAY" with small statements surrounding the words and mailed it off to Survivor. These statements were my thoughts and observations days into my imprisonment. "I am okay" comes from the C.O. we met the day before my self-surrender who told me to tell everyone I was okay no matter what... Thank you Survivor for holding on to the mail I sent you!

8/26/2013

I AM OKAY!

I am continuing to lose weight.

A salad here is iceberg lettuce.

My favorite meal so far was chicken wings. Tuna came a close second. Nothing good to report for third…

I will start the process to remove my case to [my state] tomorrow. Had to wait for “open house” hours with my case worker.

I buy needed sneakers Wed. Will need $ money for commissary next week.L

I may not be approved to work or for a halfway house due to my “chronic health issues” being immune-suppressed.

I’ve met a couple other white-collar offenders. All well-educated. We are all here due to our health. There are a lot of people here not due to health.

I am going to have to feed myself often through commissary purchases. I’ve gotten sardines 4x and fish to microwave 3x.

I say the serenity prayer at least 3x every day. I hung it on the inside of my locker.

Everyone keeps thinking I am about 25 years old.

There are 3 Jewish women here, among 1,600 inmates.

I want to call in during round-ups and cowgirls weekend. Speaker phone?

You will like South, a woman with me, I told her that you and I will road trip down to [where she lives] and visit. She’s funny, 66, and does not belong here!

I got 17 pieces of mail today! Most by GA folks and cowgirls!

I start a new migraine medication tomorrow. I am being sent outside Carswell to a Rheumatologist for an appointment.

Tomorrow, I will meet my counselor (case counselor) for the first time. He has been out for 3 weeks.

I hope to get visitation approval forms to fill out soon. Been waiting for my counselor.

I have not had a dream since I arrived, but I am starting to sleep a little better.

Have I told you lately how much I appreciate you? How much strength, hope, and wisdom you give me every day, even when we are so many miles apart? ...

Love, Dragonfly 

“I AM OKAY!”

On 8-21-2013 I wrote a one page note with the large words "I'M O.K." with small statements surrounding the words and mailed it off to Survivor. These statements were my thoughts and observations just a couple days into my imprisonment. "I am o.k." comes from the C.O. we met a couple days earlier who told me to tell everyone I was okay no matter what... Thank you Survivor for holding on to the mail I sent you!

8-21-13

I'm O.K.

I’m talking with the education department about a tutoring job.

The drama here is more than you can ever imagine.

There is no GA meeting. I asked the Chaplain if I can start one.

I go to clinic every day for A.M.  appt, vitals, TB test, DNA test, etc.

My pillow is a feather pillow (first night they give you no pillow or sleep clothes)

I stand and walk and stand and wait and stand a lot. I’m tired.

About 50% of the inmates speak Spanish.

Being a self-surrender is very rare and this place is very over-crowded.

There are 3 other Jewish women of the 1,500+ inmates.

Lights out at 10:30pm.

Inmates go crazy on commissary, especially food and seasonings.

I live in 1 south in a room called the “bus stop.”

I’ve become an introvert.

I’ve been hit on at least 3x, but I’ve made it clear I’m not interested.

It takes me 45 minutes standing in line to get into Pharmacy, each meal, and my pill line, no sitting!

It took me until Wed. evening to get into the email system. Lines can be 1-hour long.

There are a lot of inmates waiting to be deported, but here for months.

I have a bank robber in my cell.

One of my roommates just got out of the SHU after 3 months.

I’ve met women with as much as 30 years here.

I have made a” friendship” with South, in my cell and also a newbie self-surrender. She’s 67, here due to Lupus and we trust each other. She worked at a University.

I have 6 roommates (4 have girlfriends).

I am given underwear a size too small originally and all my shirts are too big because they run out of sizes a lot.

I can spend $160 every 2 weeks in commissary. For right now, I need to. Plus $ for email/calls, so $400 in Sept.

I sweated off about 2lbs a day.

Some people are nice.

One woman said she knows 10 cent words and asked if anyone knew what “erroneous” meant. No one here but South and I did.

Mental Health and Physical Health population are together. Many people have no health issues here.

I am having a hard time sleeping, but am sleeping.

I’ve lost 5 lbs. since arriving 48 hours ago, according to the clinic scale.

I’M O.K.