From Dragonfly: Time Management

There is no such thing as time management in prison. If I have to be at two places at the same time, I have to be there, there is no waiting until I'm done with what I am doing. Having a job, makes it nearly impossible to do everything I have to do. For example, my enbryl shots are on the call-out sheet for 7:45am on Mondays and Fridays. However, I am at work starting at 7:30 and start teaching at 7:45 am. The nurses were cool with this before, and allowed me to come in at 10:30am, when my second class leaves for the morning. It was working great. However, new nurses are doing the shots, and they will NOT be flexible. If I have to go to the 7:45am call-out, I will not be able to get to my classroom until AT LEAST 8:45am, when the next "open call" occurs. Sometimes, they don't take us for an hour, and those days, I wouldn't be able to work until 9:45. Today, since I couldn't leave my job (no one to take over my class), I have not gotten my shot. I went up there a bit ago, but was told to come back at 12:45... but I start work again at 12:30pm. It's a lose-lose situation and I hate being in it. Plus, the nurses failed to put me on the call-out today, so I can't leave work without an official call-out. So, I will probably not be able to get my shot today. :-(

These kinds of predicaments happen all the time... breakfast or laundry or commissary (all at the same hour)... medical  sick call or job responsibilities... seeing your case worker or job responsibilities... seeing your counselor or job responsibilities... Every day is a conflict. Those without jobs can go to the open house hours of medical, case workers, or counselors any time. Those with jobs cannot. Without being able to talk to them during their open house, we cannot see the status of our case, request updates, or push them to work on our files. They need us to check in with them now and then...

I always considered myself good at time management. In prison, it is an impossible skill. Somehow, we are to do magic, and be in multiple places at the same time. So instead, we must push important things to later, hoping that we will get a day off or some random time or be called out to a meeting (which rarely happens).

From Dragonfly: The Neighborhood

Living in the unit is just like living in any neighborhood - except it's all women (minus a few boi's here and there). There are the old ladies who hang out on their sitting walkers, just like the ones that would be on their front stoop, watching the madness, but keeping as far away as possible. There are the ghetto kids, loud, obnoxious and seeking attention. Going in and out of the SHU is a part of their normal existence. There are the drug pushers - those who somehow steal their meds before they are swallowed and sell them for a pretty penny. There are the hustlers, who will do absolutely anything to get what they want, but never spend their own money. There are the rich kids, who have a new pair of tennis shoes practically every month. There are the welfare kids, who need to look to the trash to find a used pair of tennis shoes. There are the whores, who will sleep with practically anybody, and the lovers, who will only sleep with each other. There are the prudes, who are disgusted by the scenes of affection, and the voyeurs, who do not participate, but love to watch. The gossip is rampant throughout the neighborhood, regardless of what "clicks" one fits in. There are racists, republicans, democrats, and non-political people. There are those that feel "entitled" based on however they were treated prior to coming the neighborhood. They will make anyone that stands in their way of leisure feel sorry they crossed their path. There are the news junkies and the sports junkies. There are the equivalent of old men, who play cards every day to pass the time. There are the servants (unfortunately), who do other people's laundry and iron every day for survival. There are immigrants and citizens to the neighborhood. There are too many languages to count. People tend to hang with "their type," even if they are friends across the lines. Everyone is fearful of the "police" and what they will do when they enter the neighborhood. Suddenly, everyone will behave... some will "suck up" to the police, most just try to keep their head down. There are those people who live solely in the past and what their lives were like before coming to the neighborhood, and those who live in the future imagining what life will be like once they get out of the neighborhood. There are those who are high all the time and those who are trying to stay off drugs, but have a hard time doing so. There are the kids who wear their pants below their butts, and those who look like nerds. There are kids who always have big headphones on, and those who ask them to turn down their music. Yep, being in 1 South is like being in any city neighborhood. We can't escape the reality of what got us here and we all have to deal with each other's existence one way or another.

From Dragonfly: Looking Out for South

I've mentioned the medical care and South before, but I have to write about this morning's reality. South has continued to have breathing issues. She has gone to sick call three times. They keep just sending her back to the unit with no real answers. This morning, I saw her by the bathrooms, literally about to pass out. I grabbed a chair and sat her down. She had tears in her eyes. She has NEVER cried before - not even when missing her family. She is a strong woman who tries not to show emotions. But this morning, the tears came. She told me that she is "just done." She had severely labored breathing and had been up since 3:30am without the ability to breath easily. She used a nebulizer and her inhaler, but neither was helping. I went to the C.O. on duty and asked him to help. I wanted to be able to take her to the medical clinic.

He said, "again?!?!" looking really annoyed. Since South keeps having this breathing trouble, he now thinks that South is trouble and FAKING! I can tell you, she is NOT FAKING. The woman went from being a strong, capable woman to frail  and ghostly within just the last two weeks. Each time we've taken her to the clinic, they spend some time observing her, see that her oxygen is falling into the 80's and her blood pressure is high, but then send her back to the unit. She had to borrow oxygen and a nebulizer.

The C.O. then turned to me and asked me, "what does she want? does she want to be moved? no one needs this much help - especially if they keep sending her back..." blah, blah, blah. I just looked at him and said, "I am not a doctor, but she can't breath. I just want to help her." He did not. He called the Physician's Assistant on duty and told him, "it's her again... she says she can't breath well... I think something else is wrong with her... she just keeps complaining..." I couldn't believe my ears. We are in a MEDICAL FACILITY. People here are sick, some are sick and the doctors are not giving them the right medications or they have flare ups. To see the staff here acting so callous just makes me sick. One woman died from negligence last week. But, this time, it's South.

I had to go to ANOTHER unit to beg for a wheel chair to take South to the clinic. Our C.O. would not help. Thank god the other C.O. took her/us seriously. South waited 15 minutes in the clinic before someone took her in the back to the observation room. At that point, I had to return the wheelchair to the unit I borrowed it from and then go to work (I will get written up if I am late, even if it was to help another inmate).

I just saw Star and another inmate in line for lunch. They said that South is back in our unit and on 24 hour oxygen now. She also has a walker with a seat. I'm glad they are doing something for her. They are also getting fluid out of her lungs somehow. It shouldn't have taken so long to help her, but I hope this all works. I pray that tomorrow morning I do not have to face my C.O. again. So disrespectful! We may be at a medical center, but people will do anything to avoid being seen medically here. I'm just going to put my prayers toward South and hope that she feels better soon. I'm afraid what will happen if her health continues to decrease.

From Dragonfly: Some Days Will Be Lonely

Yesterday was a tough day for me. It was a federal holiday, so I didn't work. I also didn't feel too well. But mostly, I was just plain old bored and lonely. Sure, I had several friends around. But, they aren't my close friends. They are special in their own way, as we go through this experience together, but my selfless friends from the outside, that keep in touch with me, send me positive thoughts, and/or just care as much as they do - I miss them a lot! I know that once all this is over, my life will move forward, but the life I left will be forever changed. Changes can be good or bad, but any change can be difficult, as I really enjoyed the life I was living before incarceration. Not the life that led to my incarceration, but the life I built through recovery, friendship, love, and compassion.

Some days, I wish I could go to sleep early and just wake up in another day. I could count that day done and be one day closer to my release. There are people who CHOOSE to violate their probation so that they do 10 months inside, rather than 3 years "on paper" (supervised release) on the outside. I can't ever imagine making that decision. Every day in here is long. Every day in here, I am away from everything and everyone I love. I feel more and more distant from the life I once lived.

I read a lot yesterday. I am reading so many different authors, sometimes the stories get mixed up together. I'm reading about 3-4 books every week. This is the most I've read in my life! I am still enjoying crocheting, but my hands only allow me to crochet for a while before it is too painful. I am catching up on letter writing, best I can. But once again, my hands have difficulty writing for too long. I miss typing letters, on my computer!

I wrote a new list yesterday... things I am missing from the outside (other than people). The list includes:
- Eating a fresh ice cream cone
- Walking barefoot on the grass
- Having a puppy lick my cheek
- Walking on carpet
- Showering without shoes on
- Getting a pedicure
- Wearing a necklace
- Wearing colors
- Searching the Internet
- Grocery shopping
- Dinner with friends
- Sushi
- Riding my scooter
- Driving a car
- Going to a movie and, also, eating movie theater popcorn
- Wearing jeans
- Wearing my hats
- Fun socks!
- Doing laundry on my own time
- Skyping
- Text messaging
- Refrigerating my food
- Soap in bathrooms
- Not carrying around my toilet paper
- Phone calls that aren't timed
- Playing dorky video games
- Drinking a chai tea latte
- Studying at a cafe
- Researching something important
- Writing papers (not kidding!)
- Reading a newspaper
- Watching Netflix (Doctor Who, Movies, etc.!)
- Spending a lazy day in bed
- Wearing sunglasses
- Throwing a stone into a pond
- Planning a vacation
- Short road trips
- Geo caching
- Decorating my home
- Sitting on a couch
- Silence (!!!)
- Attending G.A. meetings
- Listening to NPR
- Seeing a good play/musical
- Exploring new restaurants
- Smelling fresh flowers
- Giving friends gifts
- Sitting by a fire getting warm
- Cuddling with a dog
- Hearing my favorite tunes
- Surfing television channels
- Facebook updates of my friends
- Taking photos

and much, much more!

From Dragonfly: Sexuality and Gender

I wrote something about sexuality and gender early in my stay here and sent it to Cache. Maybe, if she has time, she will share it with everyone. However, I just want to write about a conversation in my room yesterday. It started with a young, very masculine, boi coming to our room to talk with one of my roommates. I asked my roommate if this young woman is actually transgender in the outside world. I worry about how these F-to-M trans people have to claim to be female in prison in order to have the safety of being at a women's prison. There seem to be a lot of them. Based on my knowledge of the LGBT community and work specifically with trans individuals, I worry about how their identity may be conflicted while incarcerated. Anyway, Army said, "yes, I think they do identify as male in the outside world." That made sense to me.

Anyway, then Bandanna, my roommate who identifies as lesbian and has been locked up for 12 years since she was 19 years old, starts going through a trans-phobic dialogue. She also indicates that any woman who has ever been with a guy can't be lesbian. Braids, my other roommate, then pipes in about how if someone is male identified, they are still a woman if they have female body parts. Isn't this the same kinds of arguments we all hear on the outside?

I try to explain that there is a difference between gender and sexuality. There is also a difference between identity and behavior. Okay, other than to Army, I'm talking to two walls. Bandanna and Braids are certainly NOT open to anything I am saying. Well, I guess most people in this world wouldn't understand this either. I speak from an academic and personal experience point of view, they speak from emotions. No one can ever agree when you come at things from different perspectives. I finally just said, "yeah, okay," and left it at that. I have to remember that I am surrounded by people who lived in very different environments than I have. Not that my environments were any better than theirs, but we have different life experiences to base our understanding of things on. I just wish I could have some way to help against the homophobia and transphobia that exists behind these walls.

It may sound funny that I talk of homophobia, when nearly 90% of the women I meet are having relationships with other women. Most see it as a "choice," very different from identity and very different than the reality of LGBT people on the outside. It's like actual attraction/love has so little to do with these relationships. They are distractions from the reality here. They are a way to put our energy on other people and not focus on ourselves and the growth we need. Having been a scholar and advocate of the LGBTQ community for years, I am totally taken aback by the reality of these existences within prison. It is night and day from what we see outside prisons. Once these women leave prison, most are looking forward to being back with their boyfriends, husbands, or finding some new guy. These relationships in here are just a way to pass the time (not all, but it appears that way for the most part).

As for me, I am sticking with what I wrote before I ever came to prison. I am not interested in anything other than friendships. Danbury "informed" me that she believes two different women have crushes on me. I think she's nuts. I don't see it and I also am not interested in anything. I just want to do my time and get home to my friends and family. That is all I want. I appreciate my friendships/acquaintances. I actually hope to keep in touch with a few of them upon my release (when we are allowed). But, my goal is to get through this on my own. I walked in by myself and I will walk out by myself. One of the scariest things I've heard (more than once) is when one woman is near release and her girlfriend asks her to not go - to get in trouble or refuse halfway house in order to stay longer. Nothing could be MORE selfish! No one should WANT to be in prison any longer than they have to. These women should be happy for their girlfriends. If they really loved them, they would want what is best for them. Being in prison, is not what is best! If for some reason it is meant to be that they are to be together, it will happen, one day, when they are both free.

Okay, off my soap box and back to reality...

From Dragonfly: It Takes Two Months

I guess you could say that I'm acclimated to the prison life now. I know what I'm doing, where I'm going, who to avoid, who to talk with, most of the rules, and how to spend my time. I used to be in my room 80% of the time, but now, I am closer to 25% of the time. Living on the first floor, near the open atrium, made all the difference. I tend to hang out at one of the tables, with South, Danbury, Freckles (before she was moved), Star, Appeal, and others that happen along. We usually are working on some craft idea, making dinner, or watching one of the TV's. I wish we gossiped less, but that is the par for the course in prison. What happened to whom and when... the highlights of the day. For example, a new officer was working on our unit last night. She searched numerous lockers and made rounds, making sure her chains weren't jingling so she could catch people doing things they weren't supposed to be doing. Every time she found something "wrong," we just sat there, watched (like everyone else sitting at the tables) and then gossiped. It is not the right thing to do - as any of us could be on the other side of that gossip any day. I try to know what is going on, but I try to not judge the person getting in trouble. The rules here do not always make sense and, often, until we are caught doing something we aren't supposed to be doing, we don't even realize that we are doing something wrong!

Yesterday, was a good afternoon. I sat in the tv news/sports room and watched college football. The team from my university was playing and won big. Unfortunately, the other games we were watching due to other fans in the room, didn't fare so well. It was nice to be rooting for my team, though, and have a little normalcy for a couple hours. Star and South watched along with me. Army and Ark were there too, but they were watching other games. We had to flip back and forth a lot between the various games any of us were keeping an eye on. Too bad they don't have a screen within a screen tv and we could watch numerous games at the same time!

I also wrote a couple letters yesterday, but realized quickly that the pain in my right arm/hand, made it impossible to write as many as I had hoped. I need to just write 1-2 letters/day and know that I can't get back to everyone as timely as I want to. I hope today can be as easy a day as yesterday. There's no telling. Any moment can change a day around here. I guess it takes two months to be able to just accept that this is life for now. Every day feels like a week, every week, a month, and every month a year. In my head, I've been here 2 years, rather than 8 weeks. Still more days to do than days til I am home. One day at a time.

From Dragonfly: 101 Uses of a Maxi-Pad in Prison

There are just a handful of items provided for free in prison. One of those items is basic maxi-pad. Obviously, this is because at a woman's prison, you cannot expect women to not have menstruation protection. So, since they are free, women use them for all kinds of purposes... here is a list of the HIGHLIGHTS of I wrote when I came up with "101 Uses of a Maxi-Pad in Prison." All these are true observations... either by me, or someone within my unit. Thank you to Freckles, South, Danbury, Star, Appeal, and more for the suggestions!!!

1. Coaster
2. Hanger Padding (to avoid wrinkling)
3. Mop
4. Duster
5. Shoulder Pads
6. Eye Mask
...
10. Shower Shoes
11. Ear Plugs
12. Door Stop
...
14. Toilet Paper
15. Shoe Insoles
16. Heel Lifts
...
19. Pot Holder
20. Curlers
21. Tape
22. Tampon
...
25. Under Boob Cooler
26. Ice Pack
27. Hot Pad
28. Toilet Bowl Warmer
...
31. Knee Pads
32. Shin Guards
33. Bookmark
34. Dildo Stuffing (made with a rubber glove on the outside...)
...
40. Makeup Remover
41. Paper Towel
42. Band-Aid
...
48. Face Mask
49. Paper
50. Bra Stuffing
51. Air Vent Cover
...
53. Body Roll Moisture Absorber
54. Pantyliner/Pee Pad
55. Bra Extension
56. Sweat Band
...
60. Eye Shadow Brush
61. Kleenex
62. Bib
63. Tupperware Cover
64. Toilet Paper Holder
65. Walker Bottom/Foot Pads
...
68. Toothbrush Holder
69. Drying Rack
...
74. Wheelchair Grippers
75. Shoe Arch
...
80. Picture Hanger
81. Cup Cozy
...
90. Lactation Pad
91. Pedicure Toe Separator
92. Eye Glass Cloth
93. Hair Bun Holder
...
97. Sponge
98. Medication Creme Applicator
...
And the 101 use for a maxi-pad in prison:
101. Menstruation

From Dragonfly: Don't Have a Medical Emergency

This morning I woke to news that South had been brought into the Clinic first thing in the morning. She was having difficulty breathing. She has COPD and is supposed to be on a specific medication, however, they denied her that medication here due to it not being in the formulary. She has been to the clinic 3x in the past week about her breathing. Anyway, when I got to the clinic for my shot of Enbryl, I found South sitting in a wheelchair (she does not usually have a walking aid of any type) and in the waiting room. I asked what happened, and she told me that she had respiratory issues while in the restroom this morning. She could not walk or talk for several minutes. Scary!!! Anyway, she was brought into the clinic. At the clinic, she was observed and released. They did nothing. They did not put her on oxygen. They did not give her any medication. I wheeled her around to a call-out she had in the lab and then we sat outside until open move, when we could go back to our unit. The poor thing - she was just so upset and I don't blame her.

Yesterday, I got news that another woman in our unit is in the hospital. For over a week, I've heard her complaining at the Clinic that her leg is hurting her and that something is wrong. She is diabetic and on dialysis. No one would change her to a first floor room, or do anything about her leg. Well, it burst. Literally. She is now at the hospital having her leg amputated. She had even talked to higher administration here to try and be taken seriously. So sad!

No matter how sick anyone is here, there's always someone sicker. Everyone seems to have had their medication regiment changed since arriving. At least everyone that is medical. For those who need pain medication and/or insulin, they literally spend their entire day in lines waiting for their medications. They go to insulin line before breakfast, lunch and dinner and then go to pill line just after breakfast, lunch and dinner. For some, they can be in lines for 3-5 hours per day awaiting medications!!! They do not dare skip their medication, because no one wants a medical emergency here.

My health is pretty much the same as it was before I got here. I do get a lot more headaches/migraines - but that's because I was taken off my migraine medication. I'm dealing with it, though. My health wasn't perfect before I got here, but I do not believe it to be any worse. I learned this morning that being on Methotrexate and Enbryl will automatically keep me a 3 care level. That means I will not be allowed to go to halfway house/home confinement early. I'm not giving up. I never give up. But, even though I am capable of working and taking care of myself, I am seen by the prison as needing medical assistance on a regular basis. Level 3 literally indicates that the person cannot do daily living activities for themselves. Yet, I am. Doesn't seem to matter here.

Okay, so there's gossip (inmate.com) about the visit to our facility yesterday from a bunch of federal judges. There's no way to know what is true or not from this gossip. However, people "heard" that the judges said that the prison needs to reduce the number of inmates by 840 people (that's about how over-crowded we are). Also, inmate.com gossip says many of the Mexican inmates caught at the border will be sent back to Mexico early (so many of them are given 4-7 year sentences and then are deported to Mexico - they were caught at the border and never spent a day in the U.S. except in prison... yet the U.S. pays over $27,000 to house and feed them in prison... I just don't understand why our immigration policies are what they are... just let these women go back home to their families!). Anyway, I digress. No politics (for now).

One thing is true, people are being shipped out of here daily... a lot are going to the new prison (Aliceville). Not the medical people, just the one's here because it was closer to their homes or they came for RDAP. These new policies, if they exist, will not likely change anything about my amount of time here. Some people are being sent home. One woman was called to R&D this morning and released. She didn't even know she was getting out. They told her to not even go back to her locker and pack - they would send everything to her. Here one day, and released the next unexpectedly. Gosh, wouldn't that be something!!!

Yesterday was Danbury's birthday. I wanted her to feel special - even for just moments - in a way that is nearly impossible here. South and I bought all the ingredients and we had someones help to make a real chocolate cake. I can't believe we made a cake (which formed in the microwave!) out of chocolate cookies, a coke, mayo, chocolate pudding, milky way bar, and a Hershey's bar. This formed both the cake and the frosting... I can't believe how good it was - truly death by chocolate!! South loved it! Also, we made a potato log for dinner (made with potato chips, corn chips, chicken, queso, Velveeta, and spices). We also had cheesy rice with small pieces of beef and spices as well. Not the healthiest meal I've ever had!!! Today for lunch, we made pizza with Goya crackers, queso, marinara sauce, pepperoni, mozzarella, and Parmesan cheese. These are all typical meals made from commissary food. The chow hall is nearly out of food (not sure if it is due to the gov't shutdown) so the meals in there are not so good either. Crazy stuff!

I've officially learned two crochet stitches - single and double. I'm making something, but I have no idea what it is - maybe a scarf. My right hand and wrist kind of go numb fairly quickly, so it may take me the rest of the time I'm here, but I have nothing else to do! I'm way behind on writing folks... I'm going to try and get some letters out this weekend. Sometimes, there is just nothing really to say. But, since I love receiving mail, I best be a good pen pal and write back!!!

My school should have my letter in hand by today. Tomorrow would have been my deadline. It was mailed out on Monday morning. It will likely be a couple weeks until I hear anything back. I will, of course, share their response. I am not going to worry too much about it until I know my fate. Must live in the day - not the future.