Prison Dreams

They happen. I had one just last night and they are so very real. I was inside again. I was back in prison. It was a prison dream.

Only, because it's a dream everything is a bit different. People are different. Rules are different. 

In my dream, I had my own room, with a door. I had pictures hanging everywhere, I had recent been on furlough for some reason. I was friendly with an officer. I got permission to keep a "do not disturb" sign hanging on my doorknob. Like I said, it was just a dream!!!! So far from reality!!!

Truth is, pieces of the past deep in through dreams all the time. Sometimes I dream that I relapse. Sometimes I dream that I'm young and running my summer camp again. It's okay to have these dreams. We open ours eyes, and we are where we are, our brain resets to the present.

I find my dream of being in this lax prison of my dreams last night fascinating, though. I suppose it could've been more like a halfway house or prison camp based on how much leniency I was given, but I know I felt like I was in prison at the time of my dream and I was in uniform. I remember the feeling of being surrounded by my people with so many pictures on the walls and door, it was so warm, if not chaotic.

The funny thing in the dream was how I was assessing what I would write in the blog about it all. In my dream I was saying how I was going to write about getting permission to keep the "do not disturb" sign... So I did anyway - yet none of it actually happened - it was just a dream. The only thing that is real is that I actually do keep a blog... I guess my dream knew that!!!

Another Flare

It's been a couple weeks now that I've not been feeling too well. The worse part is the fatigue. Every afternoon I could lay my head down and sleep for hours if given the chance. So, I don't lay my head down. The timing couldn't be worst, finals are a month away, we move in less than two weeks, ... I need to feel good and have some energy!

I need to be working on my thesis. I already feel behind, although it's hard to be behind on a project with a far off finish date, but there is so much to do between now and then. A project of this magnitude needs steady movement. There should never be a "resting" period.

I went to my rheumatologist who upped my medication again, and added yet another pill. I have 10 medications... One that is an injection and I'm just not sure what good it all does. Sometimes I think about starting all over again. A more holistic doctor who will look at everything and we do it one at a time. The problem is that so many medications take pre-authorization and a crazy process with insurance and are like $4,000/month so I should just be glad I'm covered and just take them. But if I feel the way I do, are they really helping me?

My joints hurt. My muscles hurt. I wake up swollen all over. I walk to the restroom like a hunchback. I can barely walk two blocks. I had high hopes that this spring would mimic last spring, and I'd be working out to Jillian Michaels by now.

Many people have it much worse than me and I have a lot to be grateful for, but today I am in pain. I just thought I'd share that. Being in pain is okay though, I know how to work through it, because I will get up, make myself a healthy breakfast, start working, refuse to lay my head down, and put in a full productive day.  Tonight, I will pack some boxes for our move, get some homework done,  and get a good night's sleep. Today, I will just focus on today.